Batgirl #27

Gothtopia means "the Goth place!"

I understand that shoving "topia" on the back of something simply makes it an ideal place due to cultural baggage. Just like when any scandal (or pseudo-scandal) takes place in the political realm, you know it's a scandal because somebody decides to append "gate" to it. It's like a bunch of children are running things.

The current thing in the media that's pissing on my goat is that Apple iPad commercial where they point out that certain careers are needed for society but it's poetry that we live for. Then they go on to quote some Walt Whitman, appending their own line at the end of the Whitman quote: "What will your verse be?" Fuck you, Apple! You're taking Whitman's poetry about life itself being a poem and a verse and trying to make it a call to arms for people to get out and create (with your product, of course). But Whitman's whole point is that we are here and that is life and we all have a unique identity and that's fucking enough! What we do, no matter what it is, is poetry in and of itself! So take your stupid ass fucking call to arms and shove it up your stupid ass fucking ass!

Since I'm ragging on Apple, let me take a moment to point out when Microsoft did pretty much the same thing about ten years ago. Remember when they stuck "Rainbow Connection" on some commercial about Windows XP or Windows 7 or whatever the fucking product was? Besides the fact that Jim Henson probably shit his grave over that song being used to sell some shitty product, Microsoft didn't even understand the fucking song. It was okay in the original length commercial (I suspect. I can't remember exactly). But like the Apple one out now, after airing a few times, the commercial was cut down in length. At that point, they ended the commercial before the turn in the song! So Microsoft's product was being sold to this: "Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions and only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide." That was it! Unless they left in the next line as well. Again, I can't remember! Anyway, they left the nay-sayers part in but ended the commercial before they can get to the part where the singer says, "I know they're wrong wait and see." Fucking idiots. Get bent.

Now that I'm rage free, I think I'll read about Batgirl. Or whatever her name was in Gothtopia!

Oh, not you too Babs. I'm so sick of everybody's love of bacon. BACON BACON BACON! If you're going to fall in love with meat, might I suggest Linguiça? Perhaps I'd be willing to accept someone falling head over heels for Chorizo as well. But bacon? Too ubiquitous for true love.

Babs is currently living with her father because that's the way life goes when everything is perfect! I mean, Alysia was a decent roommate and all. But if Babs is going to hallucinate extreme happiness, she's obviously going to pretend that her family is all together. Besides, she's probably actually sitting in a hole in the backyard that she dug the night before, chewing on a rotting squirrel and talking to a big orange dog.

Apparently Scarecrow's Happy Gas has caused Babs to become best friends with her greatest enemy, Knightfall. Unless, of course, Babs is really just hanging out with a fire hydrant and making out with her boyfriend Ricky the pile of dead leaves.

Her name is Daybreak because it's the opposite of Knightfall! Um, kind of. Maybe it should be Squirerise?

Meanwhile The Joker Ice Cream Company has decided to try out a new flavor of ice cream on this hot day: Death Toffee. A bunch of people are killed after eating it which they probably should have suspected since it was called Death Toffee. Oh! Maybe the gas made them read Neapolitan. Although I don't think that name is any more encouraging, actually.

Bluebelle and Daybreak decide they need to stop kids all over town from eating ice cream. What monsters!

After stopping one person on the streets from eating ice cream, Bluebelle learns that a bunch of kids are currently on a field trip to The Joker Ice Cream Factory. So she and Knightfall choose to help the kids at the factory rather than chase down ice cream trucks all day in the heat. Let somebody else take care of that bullcrap. The factory probably has air conditioning!

This is Mother Mercy spreading happiness and joy all across Gothtopia.

The news reporter on the scene is named Amanda Holden. I bet that's just her Gothtopia name. Her real name is probaly Nomanda Holdenkiss.

When Bluebelle crashes the ice cream party to stop Mother Mercy, she notices the Joker logo on the wall and suddenly remembers the real Gotham City. And that's when the sniper takes out Mother Mercy and Batgirl decides she'll just pretend that Gothtopia never actually happened. I wish I'd known that before writing this commentary! If she doesn't have to remember what happened then I don't either!

Batgirl #27 Rating: No change. Maybe my memory is getting better after two years of reading comic books and I can stop writing commentaries on them! I bet I've learned how to remember things better now since I do seem to remember a lot of what's happening from month to month. Although that's probably a side-effect of writing the commentaries, right? It's like studying! Ick! I hate studying! I should be playing computer role playing games and console video games and watching all the crap in my queue on Netflix! I should be writing my verse! Stupid commentaries are draining my life away! Hey DC Comics? Would it be possible to do another reboot and change it to The New 26? This stupid project is too much work!

Worlds' Finest #19

This is an equal match-up because The Huntress was trained by Batman #2 who is far smarter and more experienced than Batman #1. Also, she was trained by Catwoman so Batman #1 might have weird feelings about her. I mean, that training will give her a sexy edge. I mean a fighting edge! Oh, forget everything I just said. I hope these two fuck.

The Huntress has been explicitly calling Batman of New Earth "Not-Dad." And who is more apt to be a romantic interest for a young lady than somebody that is so totally not her father that she refers to him as "Not-Dad"? That isn't creepy at all or anything. Is having them punch each other until one of them ends up in the hospital a better plan? Of course not. Sex is always better than violence even in cases of incest. I'd much rather a mother love her children so much that it winds up in intercourse than have a mother kill her children and fly off in a chariot pulled by dragons.

This issue begins Hentai style.

It's cool, Karen. It probably just wants to cuddle.

Karen is currently mining for diamonds to pay her lawyers bills so she can keep thinking about Shakespeare and boys' asses without worrying about bankruptcy. Little does she know, she's stealing from Aquaman! That will be the next Worlds' Finest crossover: "Boring Contact: The Team-Up Nobody Clamored For!"

Since Power Girl is having money problems paying for lawyers to get her company back from Desaad Industries so that she won't have money problems anymore, Helen is probably going to have to take out another loan from Not-Dad. But Not-Dad is probably keeping a close eye on his bank accounts now that Damian is too dead to do it for him. Also, The Huntress and Batman are on the cover wrestling this month. That's a big clue.

I think R.B. Silva has drawn the Boob Window a bit too low. It's actually more of a Cleavage Window than a 95% Chance of a Nip-Slip Window. I'm fairly certain if Power Girl throws a single punch with this get-up, one tit is popping out of that hole.

Power Girl picks up Helen dressed in pajamas to fly her around New York simply to prove that her powers are working. Which, of course, means that her powers are just about to cut out and cause a bunch of trouble. Helen's advice to Karen is that she needs medical help. And since most doctors on Earth are busy trying to get the right to be like Veterinarians so that they can euthanize most of their patients, Karen is probably going to have to contact Superman or Supergirl. Which means she'll probably wind up meeting Dr. Veritas, Omniologist! If an Omniologist can't cure her then that Omniologist is going to have to think up a new career title.

Once Karen gets pissed off at her lawyers at a meeting and nearly burns down the entire building with her heat vision, she'll probably find it prudent to seek professional help. Luckily Eye Lasers don't look like money so the lawyers don't notice them. Their first instincts are to figure out who they can sue when things start catching on fire.

Meanwhile, Helen takes a walk across the set of "Death: The High Cost of Living."

Karen decides to finally visit Superman while Helena figures it's time to introduce herself to Not-Daddy. I wonder when the aliens are going to appear for First Contact! Oh wait! Superman is an alien! That's what the title means! When Power Girl's heat vision went wonky, I thought maybe the title was First Contacts because she was going to need special contacts to keep her power in check. But before that, I thought maybe this was going to be a Star Trek crossover. But now I get it! First Contact has to do with dogs! Power Girl's first meeting with Krypto and The Huntress's first meeting with Titus. So obvious!

I guess the idea of meeting Not-Dad for the first time has fucked up The Huntress's capacity for logic since she decides the first meeting with Batman should begin with her staking out Wayne Manor and then marching right into the Batcave. Maybe if her problem was not getting her ass kicked by Batman enough, this would be a viable solution. But for meeting Batman without arousing his incredibly paranoid suspicions? Big time failure.

Over his video surveillance, Batman watches The Huntress approach the secret Batcave entrance with her Remote Control Bat-Garage Door Opener. It doesn't work but Batman drops his wi-fi encryption so that The Huntress believes she has made it inside undetected. I wonder what Batman has named his wi-fi signal? Since it's paid for by Bruce Wayne, it's probably something disgusting like "MadBitchz." Got to play the secret identity angle at every turn! Nobody would believe Batman would name his wi-fi connection with anything other than a bat pun. He's probably just call it "Batsignal."

All in all, the meeting begins pretty rationally.

At least nobody has hit anybody on the first page. I bet if Alfred walked in right now, Helen would break down in tears.

I hope they talk about Damian for a bit. But only after Batman's suspicions have been allayed or else he might get extra defensive and scream "What do you know about my son?!" and begin throwing Batarangs everywhere.

The Huntress trips a light sensor and winds up in a cage. Batman calmly asks her to explain herself and she starts with, "It's a long story...". And then the Next Month Blurb says that First Contact begins in Batman Loves Superman #8. Oh fuck. I mean, that makes sense and all. But I'd rather have Paul Levitz doing the non-combat dialogue! I probably wouldn't have worried too much from what I'd read from Greg Pak until that stupid Mongul story arc. Now instead of getting some nice moments between Power Girl and Superman and some nice moments between Batman and The Huntress, we're going to get a bunch of dialogue between one couple interplaying with the dialogue from the other couple, shifting the focus from the melancholy of these ladies' first encounter with their fake relatives to the differences and similarities inherent in the way these men view this odd new relationship in their lives. I don't want to read this encounter from the point of view of Superman and Batman, Goddammit!

Worlds' Finest #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Twenty pages and not one punch was thrown! Okay, a woman was stabbed by a fork but it just played in the background over eating eclairs. I like a comic book that doesn't mind skipping physical threats to give the characters time to just deal with other shit. I suppose if you're not really writing to the characters, the only thing a writer can do is escalate action over and over. It's much easier to make Red Robin react to Harvest or Trigon or The Joker than actually make him an interesting human being named Tim Drake. Or, you know, some other example that doesn't just shit on Scott Lobdell. But those examples are harder to come up with.

Green Lantern Corps #27

Time to read this comic written by my bestest friend in the whole entire world, Van Jensen!

I mean, technically, Van Jensen probably wouldn't say we were best friends if asked. He'd probably say, "Who?" But we have spoken to each other a couple of times. Kind of! Through our mutual Facebook friend, anyway. I think I can pretty much say that I'm part of DC's inner circle now. Don't worry! It won't change me at all. I'll still be the same down-to-earth guy I've always been!

So last issue, the Green Lanterns were busy Green Lantering. That's just a short-hand way of saying they were bickering about anything they could possibly bicker about, battling cosmic threats that were either threats created by the Green Lanterns or threats that existed only because of the Green Lanterns, and punching Hal Jordan in his stupid face. This issue will probably be more of the same.

John and Yrra and Vath and Isamot and two other Green Lanterns I don't know by sight but I just scanned page three (not electronically! Optically!) and noticed they are called Oliversity and Iolande are busy trying to find out who kidnapped a couple of Green Lanterns. Oh yeah! That was the big threat they were dealing with from the pages of Green Lantern. A Durlan dressed up like Hal Jordan told the entire universe to quote sit on my fucking cock and spin, dickheads unquote. Most of them did not appreciate the message and decided to take it out on Green Lantern Embassies (called Sector Houses). It might not be the biggest fuck up in Green Lantern history but that's only because the Guardians of the Universe have come up with some real doozies like The Manhunters and The Third Army. Now it's time to clean up Hal Jordan's mess. Again!

I'd better get out a Judd Winick Jar and start putting a quarter in it every time I say "Again!" so that I can pay him his royalties the next chance I get.

Also, I think Hal Jordan needs to take responsibility of this fuck up not because it was his face the Durlan used when telling the Universe to suck it but because Hal Jordan has a reputation that made that message believable coming out of his face.

The Lanterns begin their investigation and this is where somebody who had ever watched at least one episode of any variation of CSI would probably reference that show.

This is exactly how that one actor in that show does it! And the other one too! In that other show. Unless it's the same show?

Meanwhile, a bunch of old Green Lantern foes that were set free from the sciencells before Relic could destroy Oa are traveling together in a starship convoy across the stars.

Evil Star: "Breaker, breaker! This is Evil Star! Can you turn the chicken up on the outback grill cause we got a cinnamon bun greasing up the anal tract!"
Faceless Freak: "Read you loud and clear, Evil Star! My handle is Faceless Freak! I've got a 90210 on that rubber chicken and I'm heating up the pleasure gel. We'll make sure to flip the switch on the molten teapot before that old gag can do the tango."
Zegor: "Wait a second! We're a bunch of bad guys with no Smokey the Bears in sight and we're not fighting yet? FUCK YOU ALL! EYE LASER ATTACK!"
Evil Star: "Holy shit, Faceless Freak! The angels have pooped on the birthday cake! Repeat! The angels have pooped on the birthday cake!"

You're probably all pretty impressed with my trucker speak. Convoy was practically my twentieth or twenty-first favorite film as a young lad! And we didn't have the internet to learn the lingo plus we didn't have anything to record shows on television so we could play things back to get the phrases exactly right. But I think I learned the language fairly well for only being able to catch it a few times when it aired on Showtime!

Eventually some Durlans break up the fighting so that the bad guys can concentrate on killing Green Lanterns.

Apparently this Sector House was hit by the escaped convicts (or the Khund) because it isn't until halfway through the comic book that Phony Hal Jordan shows two fingers to the rest of the universe. And that's when all the other Sector House's around the universe start getting swarmed by angry locals. So John and the gang head over to Sector 0424 to help out Lantern Vode-M.

Pretty soon every bad guy in the universe will have a Green Lantern Ring Draining Weapon. I hope.

John and the Gang rescue the Green Lanterns kidnapped at the beginning of the issue. The also learn that the Khund are working with the Durlans and making weapons using Relic's technology. As the Lanterns leave the ship of the Khund they defeated, they find that they are surrounded by thousands more Khund ships all headed toward Mogo to destroy the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern Corps #27 Rating: No change. Do people really need to read reviews of comic books that have been out for two years? I suppose when writers and/or artists change. But you kind of already know what you're getting with this book. You either read it because you like John Stewart and/or stories about the entire Lantern Corps. Or you buy it because you love Green Lantern and are a completionist even though you hate John Stewart because every Green Lantern story ties to all the Green Lantern books all the fucking time. But it's not like I need to read it and then sum up my experience for other people so they can think, "Oh really? That sounds like the kind of book I want to read!" I don't even know why I add this final paragraph or the ratings! I guess just to tie all these fucked-up commentaries together somehow. Anyway, read this comic book if you like space things! It is the spaciest!

Justice League of America #11

Oh no. It is Clayface. Look out Martian Manhunter. You are about to be mildly inconvenienced.

The issue begins with a recap of recent events by Martian Manhunter but since I don't like any of the recent events in Justice League of America, I won't be discussing them. Instead, how about a fight between Martian Manhunter and Clayface? That should last two panels.

Except J'onn can't seem to utilize any of his 15,000 different powers, so he's choked into unconsciousness where he has a vision. You know what? That doesn't really end on a strong joke, does it? More of a half-assed observation. Perhaps I should make it funny by adding a stupid word: BAZINGA! Ha ha! Oh yeah. Tears in the eyes now.

Martians do not need nipples because they feed their babies Oreo cookies.

Stargirl comes back from wasting time trying to save her stupid family to save J'onn J'onzz because she realized that he and the Justice League of America are her real family. Mostly because her step father's former career as an adult sidekick to a child super-hero embarrasses the hell out of her. Way to pick a real winner, mom! That was probably what Stargirl was thinking and not something which I've ever thought ever in my lifetime at all. Especially when my mom was dating that guy that kind of looked like Doug Henning and could do card tricks and had an orange van with an airbrushed scene of a glorious sunset on it. I wonder if I'd think that guy was as cool now as I did when I was six?

That's not cool, Stargirl. He can't help the way he looks. Oh wait. He's practically the only person in the world that can! Never mind.

Isn't anybody else curious about Clayface's biology? Let's pretend that his magic shapeshifter Native American clay keeps him alive somehow. Fine. Dandy. But how does he see? How does he compute thoughts? Digest? Speak for fucking mother's sake! I suppose, even though I really don't want to suppose this, that if I'm already pretending that magic is doing one thing, I might as well account for magic doing it all! I'm just trying to be extra cautious because I don't want my ability to suspend disbelief splitting into my daily life! Because the next thing you know, I'll be believing in God.

That is so uncalled for. He is not a monster! He's a human being! I think Skylar Merrick said that first. You know, before suffocating himself because he got tired of good looking assholes asking, "What are? 'Elephant Man'?!"

With that final insult, Stargirl breaks Clayface, turning him into a crying lump of tear-soaked clay. Martian Manhunter watches and thinks (no, he doesn't actually "think." He Narration Boxes but whatever. Stupid modern comic book conventions that don't really fucking know how to appropriately make a character think anymore and instead allow them to act as an omniscient narrator) about how this is the first time he's seen Stargirl take control and earn her place in the squad. Of course it's the first time you've seen it! Usually Amanda Waller just forces her to stay in her room when the team goes on missions! Plus, you're a fucking telepath so you probably should have known she had this in her.

As Stargirl helps up J'onn, she continues with her insults!

Why you gotta fucking pick on his appearance now?!

Now that Stargirl has saved (and insulted) J'onn, she offers to fly him wherever he needs to go to begin looking for Firestorm but she's going to Los Angeles to find her family. Also, she tempts J'onn with pigging out on cookies! Maybe she'll be his gateway into the orgiastic land of the Oreos! Also, Despero begins to follow them. Man-Bat too but he sucks and hopefully he just got a stupid cameo and stays out of the plot.

As they fly to Denver, J'onn insults Stargirl's entire generation, so maybe he deserves to be called weird looking. But he does keep it to himself, so at least he has a little bit of tact even if he's looking down his nose at the youngsters all around him as lazy, selfish bastards.

In Denver, Stargirl battles a monster robot while she remembers the sadness at the pit of her perkiness. But she's also noticing something weird about their exploits in Denver. And Despero is there and muttering about how they're breaking away from the template. Why am I even bothering with this comic book?! Everything in it since Forever Evil has just been a mindfuck! The JLA is basically on hiatus until they're ready for their part in the story. So now are Stargirl and J'onn really traveling west? Are they trapped somewhere in the thrall of Despero and only believe they're traveling? Who can tell? I certainly can't!

I'm just going to sit back and finish this comic book now so that I can stop speculating on nonsense that probably isn't even really happening! Maybe I'll eat a cookie too.

Oh well, there were only a couple of pages left. The issue ends with Despero kicking Martian Manhunter out of the sky and declaring him dead before drowning Stargirl and fleeing the scene. Stargirl is still conscious when Despero leaves and J'onn is by no means dead just because Despero put his feet in his back. So Despero is either way too confident in his powers or he's just distracting them so they don't realize that they're still in The Matrix.

Justice League of America #11 Rating: No change. Fuck you, DC. I suppose I should be grateful that you aren't charging $3.99 for every single one of your comics. But I'm not happy that your $2.99 comic books are only 20 pages and I'm certainly not excited that your shiny covered $3.99 comic books now only have 22 pages. Look, I don't want to say this next thing but you've really driven me to shouting junior high school witticisms here: Suck my fucking cock you cock monkeys! Okay. I feel better now. Can Justice League of America actually come out and play soon?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4

What secret? That glass is fragile and breaks? What are we talking about here?

This issue is called "What Any Man Would Do." Okay! I'm ready to argue about something now! I'm a man and I wouldn't do that! I don't know what that is yet but I'm sure I wouldn't do it! Unless what any man would do is lick a butthole and then I have to say, "Oh, yeah. Any man would do that!" Especially Diana's butthole! If you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're wondering how a man must feel when he thinks about licking Diana's butthole, just replace Diana with Dick Grayson and you'll see what I mean! Now I've managed to get everybody but the asexuals all hot and bothered with all this butthole licking imagery. I've probably also grossed some people out but those people just don't know what they're missing and haven't learned how to live and probably think they've made a valid life decision by choosing to not lick buttholes! Anyway, who am I to argue with their obstinacy and wrongheadedness?

Maybe I should change the subject before I start asking Lord Google to show me butthole licking images! Oh! I bet that's "What Any Man Would Do!" Search for pornography on the internet! I guess Wonder Woman is about to check Superman's internet search history. I bet his most often tried search entry is "naked pictures of Lois Lane." You know, just in case that ever happens and good old Jonathan Carroll posts them on his Tumblr, Journalistic Douchebag.

I don't know why but I felt this image of Zod should be left here. Seemed pertinent.

Diana has been trying to get Superman to reveal his identity as Clark Kent to the world so that they don't have to hide their relationship. And now that their relationship has been exposed, she still wants him to reveal his identity so that they can be together whenever they want. She kind of has a point. Superman doesn't need his identity in the same way that Batman does. Superman doesn't have any family that he's trying to protect. At this point, he'd just be protecting Clark Kent's friends and acquaintances. But he only has those friends and acquaintances because he insists on being Clark Kent. Drop the secret identity and stop working at the Daily Planet and he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Oh wait. He doesn't even work at the Daily Planet anymore! Besides, the only people that would be threatened would be Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane. And they already treat Superman as their Get Out of Trouble Free card anyway. They take unnecessary risks in their job because Superman always seems to be around to save them. I don't think much would change if Superman exposed himself. Giggle.

Clark's argument is that he enjoys the difficulty of writing and being a normal person. Right. You know what's not difficult? Being Superman and playing at being a normal person. The safety net really does change everything, Clark.

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman takes out his Phantom Zone lens so Zod can teach him about Doomsday. I'm still unsure about The New 52 history of Doomsday since Superman seems to be unfamiliar with Doomsday in this book but I thought Superman had been killed by him at least once by now. Maybe Superman died from Bird Flu and that's the death and resurrection he was discussing with Alec Holland way back in Swamp Thing #1. Zod also shows Superman that his Menagerie cages are merely Kryptonian Shipping Containers which dissolve when someone says "Default" in Kryptonian.

Where the fuck did Superman get all of his Kryptonian technology? Did he steal it out of The Bottled City of Kandor and have it biggie sized?

Anyway, General Zod shows that the word works on all of the containers equally well and Superman is left to do what any man would do. Not that! Um, something else!

"Faora must be free of the Phantom Zone! I must make her butthole tangible!"

I guess the title applies to Zod as well as Clark. Although it looks like Zod will do anything for love but Superman won't. Now I have to play my iTunes or Meatloaf is going to be stuck in my head. Preemptive earworm strike! "Who Do You Think We Are?" by Alice Cooper will drive Meatloaf away!

Superman is unable to stop Zod from pulling Faora out of the Phantom Zone as "When the Party's Over" by Janis Ian plays in the background.

During this entire struggle, Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about the nature of their relationship and whether she should even care one way or the other if it's hidden or not. I think what it comes down to is Wonder Woman would give everything to save Superman in much the same way that Zod gives everything to save Faora. The question is where does Clark's loyalty lie if he's unwilling to give up his human guise for Diana? Will he sacrifice her for humanity? Will he do what any man would do? Why won't he just get his tongue right up in there? It's not like she uses Kryptonite suppositories.

And another question comes to mind. What would Faora do for Zod? Is she as in to him as he's in to her? Or has she been spending the long, lonely Phantom Zone nights rimjobbing Doomsday? It's a legitimate concern!

The back-up story tells the story of Clark and Cat celebrating their big Superman Loves Wonder Woman scoop. It's mostly a double page spread of Superman and Wonder Woman messing up their underpants as they kiss with a bunch of characters' reactions to their relationship in the background.

They must not have dibs on Krypton.

I usually scan pictures of characters kissing but this shot is more important than the mouth action.

The Man of Steel's penis suddenly pressing against you can't be comfortable. Like running full speed into a piece of rebar sticking out of a concrete wall.

Cat's boyfriend Aaron is an evil genius in the making. He's working on an instant learning machine that downloads whatever you need right into your brain. If you sit in it the correct way. I imagine it does something else if you stick your ass in first.

Lex Luthor reacts to the news in much the same way Batman does. Batman is angry because he always thinks the worst will come of any situation. Luthor is mad because somebody else is fucking his man. Up until now, Superman easily could have been gay and Lex had hope. But now he just has to hope that Superman has found himself an Amazonian beard or else Lex's dreams of a happily ever after have just gone down the prison toilet.

Diana's reaction is to head back to Themyscira to check on her snakes. Clark's reaction is to question why the picture of Superman and Wonder Woman would have been sent to Clark Kent's little blog. That's the kind of question Batman would ask! Oh, and Clark Kent since he's an investigative journalist!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Zod stuff was fairly pedestrian and I was ready to not raise the rank of this comic book but then I so enjoyed the back-up story, I changed my mind. And my underpants.

Justice League 3000 #2

Go go Locus dance power!

Fuck you all! Locus is my new favoritist favorite of all time favorite! None of you assholes like her more than I do so go suck your dad's cock! Again! Ha ha! Good one, me and Judd Winick! Man, I wish Judd Winick read my blog. I bet he and I would be the best of friends. Except for the fact that I'm overly facetious and usually everything less than serious and he seems a bit sentimental and emotionally stolid. I'm going to start coining terms like "emotionally stolid" which cancel themselves out and become non-descriptors! You can't use those without paying me royalties, you thieving leeches. Go come up with your own ideas on your own boring blogs!

Anyway, getting back to me and my inexpressible love of Locus, I just wanted everybody to know that I loved her the most first and every other person out there that eventually likes her is jumping on my bandwagon and you'd better fucking get the hell off of it right now! Geez! It feels so good to be so overly enthusiastic about something that you can only make other people feel bad about the thing you love! It's exhilarating! No wonder people do this shit all the time!

Boy (or Girl although that sounds weird. Watch. I'll start over). Girl, I hope Locus is an awesome character now. See? "Girl" completely changes the attitude of the speaker (which is me!) from a person telling another person something as opposed to "Boy" which expresses something different that I would explain but it's way over your head and you wouldn't understand it at all.

What's wrong with me? Every time I see somebody wearing a normal Superman shirt, I immediately think the "S" is backwards and they're wearing a Bizarro shirt. Is it wishful thinking or do I have a learning disability? "I'm sorry, Tess. You've got Super-Dyslexia. The good news is it only affects Superman's logo. The bad news is you're going to look like a right asshole every time you scream 'Bizarro!' at people wearing Superman shirts."

The title of this issue is "Things Fall Apart" so yet another instance where somebody is pulling lines out of my favoritest favorite of all time favorite poem that I'm sick of everybody quoting already. Just knock it off! You don't get it the way I get it! Especially if the first time you heard it was watching that awful fucking show Heroes (some of it was not awful but most of it was based on lazy story telling so suck it, Heroes!).

This is my favoritest favorite of all time favorite little alien guy that you probably didn't notice while reading this comic book because you're in no way even as close to as observant as I am! Although you might be able to form better sentences than me. At least my Uncle Jerry can't form better sentences than me because he would have corrected me after that last sentence and said, "than I." The big dope!

Currently, The Justice League 3000 Gang are busy trying to invade Flatmas 12 for some reason. They probably need to defeat one of the Five. The Five are like Legion of Doom 3000 but with less members and better technology. One of them is probably named Lucas! I mean Locus!

Terry and Teri, the Wonder Twins, are trying to micro-manage The JL3K Gang since the JL3K Gang really don't know what they're exactly capable of. At this point, their bodies and minds are translations of translations of translations and there have been some fairly glaring errors in some of the iterations so that they don't exactly remember what they are capable and incapable of doing.

Does the Imperium actually need to be taken down? Maybe you should take a closer look at yourselves and ask, "What is it about *me* that I don't fit in?"

As The Wonder Twins discuss the current JL3K Gang mission, Terry (unless it's Teri) mentions "The Persuader." So the Five that the JL3K Gang are going up against are merely The Fatal Five? Did the JL3K Gang simply replace The Legion of Super-Heroes in this future? A future where Cadmus has continued to somehow persist for countless generations? Countless being a figurative usage of the term since I'm sure somebody with a really good calculator could come up with a number. I hope Brother Eye and OMAC have been left in the past. Although I'm sure Maxwell Lord still exists as a talking head or something. He probably runs this entire operation.

Intelligence reports indicate that the fabulous Locus has been seen on Flatmas 12 and this freaks the fuck out of the Wonder Twins. Apparently Locus can control reality which means she can turn forks into spoons or force cats to live with dogs. She can also turn shriveled old cynical hearts into fully blossoming emotional love muscles. *swoon*

Superman 3000 is a stupid prick.

And then finally, at a bar on Flatmas 12, we get our first look at Locus. And she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. She's bitter and angry and resentful and full of venomous words that I can't get enough of! Make me swell with your aural venom, Locus! Take me in your mouth and rend me in half with your vicious, biting words! Lift me up into the cynicism of your desperation! Hug me with your romantic despair! Fill up every one of my orifices with your embittered oratory until I'm black and blue from the anti-coagulants of your spiteful anger! This is one unstolid dream kitten and I've got the biggest love boner in the world.

You can't get in sexual harassment trouble from love boners! They are romantic instead of inappropriate!

If only I'd met this vision in real life at the ice rink I spent so much time in in my youth! Couples Skate? Yes please! *swoon*

Locus is not one of the Five but just the bestest underling any evil organization could ever have! But besides Persuader, Coeval is another one of the Five. Coeval is a "spontaneously generated Glimmernet life-form." I'm sure there's a genius reason why it's called "Coeval" but I can't come up with it. I think it was created when the Universe began or something. Except Glimmernet didn't exist then so maybe something else. Fuck, don't look at me! Come up with your own theories and then tell them to me and then I'll say "Yeah, that's what I was thinking as well" and take the wind out of your sails by showing you that your idea was so beneath me that I'd considered it and discarded it in practically the same instant. I suppose I could also say "meh" and just shit right in your mouth. Anybody on the internet that has ever answered you with "meh" basically pooped in your open mouth. And you probably liked it!

Before the JL3K Gang can get a lay of the land and begin their mission, Locus welcomes them to Flatmas 12.

Get away from her, "Green" Lantern! I don't really know why I put "Green" in quotes but I'm sure it was an incredibly insulting commentary on how clumsy he is with his penis.

Superman quickly gets his ass beat by Locus and then Wonder Woman queues up for her turn. Also Locus begins calling Green Lantern her boyfriend but he's not buying into it. What an idiot. Also, how good can her reality controlling powers be if she can't just make Green Lantern desire her?

Ick. That ability is a bit of a turn off. I think I still love Locus but I'm going to have to be sick while I gaze dreamily at her over the vomit bucket.

So The Flash 3000 has just been broken down to his messy, base constituents. Hopefully one of the powers he has that he didn't know about is reforming himself from a pile of goo.

Locus shrinks Green Lantern 3000 down and swallows him while saying something sexy about being safe and sound inside her. And then she teleports the last living members of the JL3K Gang to a place called Takron-Galtos where Coeval will be waiting to fuck with them.

Justice League 3000 Rating: +2 Ranking. Sure, sure. Locus's character has some sexist and superficial aspects written into it. But I just can't bring myself to be too concerned when she looks at me with those reality distorting eyes and that "I can turn you into dog shit" grin. She's the kind of woman I long to be subjugated by! Until I actually meet her and realize I can't stand her fucking bullshit and she was much better as simply a fantasy which probably speaks to the dangers of projecting your fantasies and fetishes on other individuals. But you can't consider that kind of intellectual mumbo jumbo if you want to live life! You just have to throw yourself into the ring, flawed thinking and dysfunctional habits and all! Go get 'em, you sexist, racist, misanthropic miserable fucking bastards! Grab life by the balls and make a complete fucking cunt of yourself! You can apologize and feel shame later. You know, if you're not a complete sociopath.

Earth 2 #19

DC Comics, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's time to let go of your dependence on the word "unleashed." If you want, I'll allow you to skip straight to Step Nine because y'all got a lot of shit to apologize to the fans for!

Why are you reading this? I didn't invite you! Get the fuck out of here! Are you hoping to hear a secret, sexy tale about how I once masturbated in the employee bathroom of a Kentucky Fried Chicken? Well, um, you aren't going to hear that story because I just made it up! But if I hadn't made it up, I assure you that I washed my hands before getting back to marinating the chicken. But don't try to change the subject! I don't want you reading my New 52 Web Journal anymore! It's off limits to you! I could point you to some other websites that talk about The New 52 but they're probably all Vlogs and those Vloggers are fucking lazy douchebags that just like to run their mouths on camera! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"! Have you ever noticed how much a capital "W" looks like a bird's beak pointing downward?

Okay. Now that everybody is gone, I definitely feel more comfortable. The pressure is gone! I can go back to boring descriptions of the plot without feeling I need to entertain anyone. I hope none of them noticed I wasn't wearing pants during that last paragraph.

Last issue, Replacement Batman shot Joker in the face. It's okay though! Joker was in stasis so I don't think he felt any pain since pain can only be experienced across time. Also, I don't think anybody was really very worried about Joker's euthanasia and how humanely it was performed. Replacement Batman did not shoot Aquawoman or Jimmy Olsen (aka Accountable!) in the face because he needs their help to defeat Flip The Fuck Out Superman (with Super Genocide Power Action!). It seems like a lot of trouble for a couple of people that don't have any Kryptonite on them.

This is Flip the Fuck Out Superman's first big mistake: leaving the smartest people on Earth 2 alive. Jay Garrick is not one of those people. He's probably the 5,653,000,003rd smartest person on Earth 2. And that's being generous.

As Flip the Fuck Out Superman flies off with his prey, Beguile attacks with an army of Parademons. I'm sure Green Lantern will be able to handle that. Wherever he's gotten off to. But Replacement Batman won't be dealing with it because he's just learned from Flip the Fuck Out Superman's pal Jimmy Olsen that there is an alien within the compound that Replacement Batman should probably get his dick into. That's slang for getting his meat-hooks all up in him.

This is the alien! Also, The World Army has some of the tightest uniforms I've ever seen. That guard's pants are disappearing right up inside her.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman deposits his parcel of smart people (and Jay) on the lawn of the White House in Washington DC (that's the capital of the United States of America for all of you Americans out there reading this). He tells Bedlam that Americans love symbols of power and decides to show them one of his own. So he emasculates America by ripping America's most famous phallus out by the roots.

Just in case some people weren't paying attention to the maniac ripping out huge memorials, a few helpful people in the crowd point it out.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman tells America it is fucked by smashing the phallus down into the White House. He must not be a very good lover because he completely misses the Oval Office. If only Red Tornado had been there to guide him in.

Meanwhile in Monaco or Morocco or whatever, Hawkwoman is probably doing something. And over in The Gotham City That Time Forgot, Big Barda and Scott Free are all up to whatever. I just thought somebody should check in with them!

Down in the alien's apartment (his name is Val! Fuck if I know why I typed that. I'll never remember it and will just wind up calling him something stupid), the alien collapses because meeting Batman is painful? I'm sure it will make more sense when I turn the page. Val is probably a Martian and he's picking up on the fact that Replacement Batman hates fucking Oreo cookies. I mean, he fucking hates them. He doesn't hate sticking his dick into them until he orgasms. He might hate that! I'm just clarifying and not declaring that he hates or loves Oreo cookies in an intimate and erotic way.

Oh, that was my other guess but I figured Earth 2 Krypton, being a representation of The Golden Age of DC Comics, was just full of whitey white-ass white Kryptonians.

Terry Sloan must have decided to keep Val (Val-el! He'll probably become Valor!) locked up in the sub-sub-subiest-sub-basement of them all so that he never absorbed any yellow sunlight and remained a weak little nobody. Replacement Batman had better get that Kryptonite out of there quick then because Val doesn't have any added strength or resistance built up from yellow sun exposure.

Oh! I just realized who Replacement Batman is based on that five o'clock shadow! It's Jon Hamm! Or maybe J'on H'amm if he's martian!

Back in Washington, Flip the Fuck Out Superman gives his press conference. It turns out that Apokolips is circling the cosmic drain and Darkseid needs a new home. He has chosen Earth because of its beautiful, beautiful (if somewhat tiny) chairs. Such glorious chairs to sit upon! Recliners! Bar stools! Love seats! Massage chairs! It will be the dawning of a new age of relaxation! And the humans that are strong will live to work in the fire pits and the chair factories! Churning out fire and chair by the ass-load! And Darkseid will look down upon them all and he will see that it is good.

Bedlam has been left in charge of Sloan and Mister Terrific because they are to build an enormous Boom Tube capable of BOOMING Earth into the space Apokolips currently occupies. That makes sense. Darkseid probably weighs more than the Earth and is harder to relocate.

No wait! I really just realized who Replacement Batman is! It's Alfred Pennyworth! Holy shit that would be my favorite thing in the world. It's probably Dick Grayson though. Or maybe it's Alfred's lover?

Replacement Batman sends Lois Tornado off to the Batcave with Jimmy Olsen and Val. He, Aquawoman, and Kym the World Army Security Guard get a lift from Hawkwoman. I guess she got out of the trouble she was in when we last saw her. Perhaps I was supposed to forget about that since it has been quite a few months now.

The issue finishes on a one page epilogue which basically says, "Don't forget Alan Scott! He's still alive! He'll be back!" As if anybody out there thought he was dead. Still no sign of Big Barda and Mister Miracle though.

Earth 2 #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. I really am glad at the turn this comic book has taken over the last half year or so. It's become less about restarting The Justice Society and more about creating a real alternate Earth with new characters and a mysterious history that we'll get to learn about as more stories are told. I fucking love this shit. Even with the Reboot, DC Comics has too much history wrapped up in New Earth. But Earth 2 is innocent and new and full of wonder and excitement, like a puppy humping a newborn in the ear. I always wanted Mera to be the champion of the Aquaman comic book and now we have Aquawoman on the team (although "Aquawoman" is aquaward to say!). And now Replacement Batman has discovered Replacement Superman! I just love that this series can go in so many different directions. In terms of a "reboot," this now feels like DC's biggest success.