Nightwing #26

Does Nightwing consciously choose the stupidest poses he can think of? This is the guy who constantly squat falls around Gotham.

Looking at my Rankings, Nightwing has really fallen far! It's not because of the quality of this comic book although I really haven't been enjoying it as much as I used to. But I'm beginning to notice the overall quality of all of DC's comic books are steadily increasing. I keep seeing titles down in the thirties and forties and thinking they should be so much higher. Then I quickly glance up the list and can't decide which comics should be lower than that comic. So I just leave it alone to let people wonder how I could possibly hate Lemire's run on Green Arrow so much.

Helpful note: I don't. Another helpful note: My rankings barely mean anything.

I have a feeling if a lot of DC's fans didn't feel betrayed by DC retooling the characters and deleting random aspects of their pasts, they would actually still enjoy a lot of the current comic books DC is putting together. I can see how the bond can easily be lost when the company that owns the character tells you the character is not the same character you always loved. So I don't think anybody should be convinced to like the new DC stuff. They'll either continue to give it a chance or leave it. That's the way it should be in a case like this. I'm enjoying more than I'm disliking now (which wasn't the case a year ago) but I still think DC has one major weak point to get over: character building.

When the Reboot began, DC put all of their efforts into "world building." The back of every comic tried to hammer it home to the fans: "We're world building! World Building! WORLD BUILDING!" Lots of comic books crossed over to other comic books to let the fans know how intertwined The New 52 was and how all the stories were taking place on the same world. But the character building really kind of fell to the wayside as the plots and crossovers pushed past and took front and center. Some comic books, like The Flash and Batwoman, went the opposite route and built their worlds around their characters instead of shoving their characters into the world they were building. These comic books are much better off two years down the road than many others. They're really well established and I feel a bond with those characters over many others. Something like Scott Snyder's Batman turned the world into one of the main characters by treating Gotham as Batman's confidant and, possibly if you want to read it this way, his lover. Some books like Azzarello's Wonder Woman were gloriously fun and interesting even though Wonder Woman's character has been a bit of a blank. But he's built her up through her actions and empathy and compassion which show through in her interactions with her siblings as she tries to help Zola and Zeke. But as to her past or history or why the fuck she's set up in London? Nothing! It doesn't hurt that book though because everything else is so fantastic.

This isn't some kind of year end review of The New 52 though, so I'd better stop there and read about Nightwing and his stupid poses.

This issue begins with Nightwing discussing an element that was just recently found a decade ago, named Kanium, which has become the main compound in a new anti-psychotic. That seems fucking weird. They're going to use a radioactive element in an oral medication? I'm assuming it's extremely radioactive if it was discovered just a decade ago. Aren't all the newest elements completely unstable and exist nowhere but in super colliders? I could be way off base with this because I'm digging deep in the caverns of my pseudo-knowledge logic banks and not discussing this at all with Lord Google because we're having a bit of a spat. It is not porn related! Really!

Anyway, somebody has been stealing all of the Kanium from Chicago area hospitals. And Nightwing has set up a trap to discover the culprit!

It's someone named Mali the Mimic. He obviously recognizes her huge butt crack.

Nightwing manages to stop Mali from making off with the Kanium although I think he might have destroyed it in the process. Mali also informs Nightwing, while arguing with herself, that she now goes by the name Marionette. She also gets away so she can return again in six issues where I'll have forgotten all about her.

Except this issue is called "Some Strings Attached" which means she'll be back in the next act.

Dick and Joey have moved out of the apartment they shared with the photographer whose name I can't, unsurprisingly, remember. Unless he moved in with them because Dick did mention it was a three bedroom! So he's probably still hanging out with them but he probably works during the day so he's not home when Dick returns from Nightwinging around the city. But there is a friend of Joey's, a young girl with orange hair named Jen. Look out, Jen! I don't know how old you are but I'm fairly certain Dick is into you.

Oh, there's the other roommate, Michael. And it looks like Dick is already going to ditch his new job to follow this cop's lead.

Oh. The cop apparently meant "especially after this morning" because Dick's first question is, "What, uh, happened this morning?" That's good to know. Dick can keep his job working a place where he gets to hear cops talk about their cases so that Nightwing can go out and beat them to the arrest. He really is a show off, isn't he? That Zero Year issue was no lie!

Later that night, Nightwing's Narration Box gets hijacked by the cop from earlier. He's there on a stakeout with Michael to see if the mask shows up. He doesn't know her name is Marionette but Nightwing does and Nightwing is there too! Because he's a fucking scene stealing bitch ass wanna be cop. He's also probably the only person that can stop Marionette. Although if she does mimic people, if the Chicago cops go after her, won't she mimic them, become corrupt, and turn against herself?

Nightwing's attempt to apprehend Marionette is interrupted by a criminal that was finally tired of getting his ass handed to him by Batman and decided to give Chicago a try.

Looks like he got some dental work done as well.

Michael and Detective Morgan are under his spell even though they're not wearing hats, just like the other drooling cops. It looks like The Mad Hatter has designed an anti-hat brainwashing technique that uses a frequency broadcast over a person's cell phone. It seems a bit of a cheat but I suppose cell phones are really just our modern day headgear.

Nightwing #26 Rating: No change. I bet The Mad Hatter is pissed that he just walked in on Nightwing after he came all the way from Gotham City to get away from the Bat Family. But what better place to come than Chicago which has outlawed masks, right? It's like when a city outlaws gun, gun crime supposedly goes way up. You know what might make crime go way down in a city whether or not guns are outlawed? Allow people to booby trap their homes! So everybody's house would be as dangerous as a room in one of the Cube movies or a sequel to Saw! Oh, sure. A lot of innocent people will be killed and lots of random chaos will be caused by squirrels and stray cats, but what is the alternative? Possibly getting your stereo and jewelry stolen? Fuck that shit! That shit is mine! I'd rather random, innocent people were maimed, beheaded, and eviscerated all over the city before any of my shit was taken away from me!

Suicide Squad #26

King Shark Versus Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark!

It took me awhile to remember to do it while I was sitting at the computer but I finally translated Futurama's Bender's Apartment Number from Binary to ASCII. I kept thinking, "What could it possibly fucking be? It's 00100100, so it'll just be one character. So what the fuck could it possibly be to make it interesting?" And let me tell you, it's perfect. Bender and Fry live in Apartment "$".

Back to Suicide Squad, James Gordon, Jr, had just found out that the "X" in Task Force X was a letter in a sequence beginning with "A" which meant more than twenty different versions of Waller's Task Force were attempted before somebody threw up their hands and said, "Just fucking use super-villains on death row." But even Task Force X didn't seem to be working out as well as Amanda would have liked so Task Force Y had been created. But Task Force Y wants to kill Amanda even more than Task Force X does, so it's been locked in Level Lowest Level until now. Amanda needs it to save her ass since The Thinker is ready to destroy her ass. And also hand OMAC over to The Crime Syndicate.

And while The Thinker thinks he's come up with a great plan to get OMAC by working with Harley Quinn, he's just not as smart as he thinks he is. He proclaimed last issue that she's one of the few personalities that he can't predict (which, I believe, was part of the thrill he was getting from working with her). So she's obviously just pretending to work with him because Waller would have told Harley, "Look. This guy is smart but I'm smarter without having to have a brain that eats away at my internal organs. He wants to believe he's smart enough to control a random element like you. So we'll use that against him and you'll pretend to work for him while really working for me." And Harley said, "Fuck you. Why should I? Get out of here." And Waller said, "I'll get you your own comic book title." And Harley said, "I'm in."

But before The Thinker's plan can backfire in his face, Waller needs to deal with King Shark and keep him from eating her. So she's released Task Force Y. Why? Because he'll eat you.

Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark it is!

Kamo just wants to kill and eat and destroy so when he declares to King Shark, "If you are my son...then you must die!", it's a little bit on the redundant side. My hope is that Kamo swallows King Shark whole and then King Shark explodes out of Kamo's stomach and then King Shark swallows mortally wounded Kamo whole and then mortally wounded Kamo explodes out of King Shark's stomach and then they'll be lying on the floor dying and Kamo will reach out and take King Shark's hand and King Shark will turn his big shark face to his father and a single tear will drop from his eye and Kamo will grumble, "Pussy." Or "I love you!" I suppose it depends on how each ending tests with a test audience! Fuck artistic integrity! Let the people decide!

Meanwhile James has gone off to deal with The Thinker when he's almost killed by OMAC being shoved out of a plane by Harley. Harley appears a moment later because it's not worth thinking about how characters get from one place in time (aboard a plane) to another place in time (James Gordon's back) when all of that action is taken care of off-panel. She probably rode OMAC down or had a jet pack which she discarded or teleported or arrived earlier by bus and was just hiding in the shadows. It's just a comic book! You're not supposed to care about all the behind the scenes stuff!

While King Shark is dealing with Daddy Issues, it looks like James has developed a nice, healthy set of Mommy Issues which Harley is bringing back by pressing her vagina and breasts right up against his back.

That last panel explains why he's a psychopath.

Meanwhile, Amanda reminisces about the day she and her team captured Kamo with a few agents and some pistols even though he's way too powerful to control. The story is a little light on details. But she does mention that she brought back a baby shark that was supposedly one of his children and raised it as her own. That baby shark was King Shark. And if Amanda wouldn't have blown up the island and, I suppose, the pool with his siblings, he'd have a nice big family by now. I'm sure at least one of them has survived and will come visit later. Native King Shark visiting Big City King Shark! Oh what a series of comic mix-ups they'll enjoy!

Amanda is hoping to manipulate Kamo into defeating OMAC by telling him some ancient curse can only be broken by the death of OMAC. After that, he'll be free to head back to his island and eat all the virgins he can stomach.

Above ground, James and Harley become best friends and decide to stop The Thinker together. How do you become friends with Harley, you ask? Well, you just stab her in the back and then put an exploding collar around her neck. Apparently she finds this behavior appealing. I'm kind of sick of her finding that kind of behavior appealing. Are we supposed to think that because she loves The Joker, she likes anybody that treats her like shit? Maybe when she responds with "I...I...I think I love you," it's just because she's got that Keith Partridge song stuck in her head. Anyway, the crux of it all is that OMAC escaped while they were figuring out their relationship.

James and Harley meet up with the new team consisting of Kamo and King Shark. Amanda lets them know that if The Thinker gets his hands on OMAC, they're all going to die. And then OMAC appears with The Thinker's mind downloaded into it. So, I guess they're all dead.

Meanwhile under a mountain in Colorado, Deadshot isn't dead. But he is busy burning up what little oxygen he has left by lighting a lighter! Ha ha! Dumb dumb. I'm sure everybody else survived as well (except maybe Warrant because who the fuck cares about that guy? Judging by his name, he was created to die!). Be with us next time for "Better Off Deadshot," or "One Crazy Bummer."

Suicide Squad #26 Rating: No change. King Shark is the child of a Hawaiian God! Does that gel with all of the past hints we've gotten about his history? I think it does! Did I use "gel" correctly? Should it be "jell"? A cursory consult with Lord Google only makes me realize that this might be another one of those American versus British uses meaning they're both right but you should probably stick with jell if you're American and gel if you're British. Well, fuck that! I live in that grey area that's gray, remember? So I'll do what I like and show my backside to all the editors out there! Anyway, Suicide Squad was okay. Except for the way Harley acted. And except for Deadshot not being in it. And except for, in my opinion, too many revelations about King Shark's history. Matt Kindt has really filled it full of words lately, hasn't he?!

Katana #10

This is my Christmas Present to myself: the final issue of Ann Nocenti's Katana! Merry Christmas everybody! Except for you people that can't stand hearing people say "Merry Christmas!" even if they're just expressing a kindness in your general direction. To you, I say, "Fuck off, motherfucking Scrooge!"

Scrooge was this mean bastard in this book by a guy with a name that always makes me giggle. I wonder why his parents did call him Richard? That would have been the best name. Dick Dickens, Writer! I know acting like nobody knows who Scrooge is is an idiotic statement that isn't even funny so why would I even bother? You're all probably sick to death of Ebenezer's face in its many guises gracing every channel on your television set the last few weeks. I'm not even sure when I last watched the entirety of any version of A Christmas Carol. That's something I should remedy and maybe make an annual Easter tradition.

If I owned a television station, I'd air Moby Dick every Easter. The hunt for the White Whale and the Resurrection of Jesus are kind of similar tales. I just wish the story of Jesus had a character named Queequeg in it.

What was Katana up to last issue, you're probably wondering? Well fuck you! I don't owe you any explanations! Do you think I retained any of that nonsense? Just be glad this comic book is over and you can purge all of your New 52 Katana knowledge because you know this shit will never be spoken of again as soon as DC can escort Ann Nocenti out of their offices.

I should probably stop yelling "Fuck You!" at my readers. Sorry about that. I'm a bit on edge due to the midlife crisis and the stress of passionless small business ownership. You know what's probably a good idea today? Being that it's Christmas and it's a magical day even for Jews and Muslims and Atheists even though none of them actually know it? It's a good day to get drunk! Oh, unless you're Muslim. Sorry. I don't mean to be the fucking devil and tempt you with the deliciousness of falling over and vomiting on the rug only to wake up a few hours later with some shitty Maroon 5 song going on repeat in your head and your friend's dog licking the vomit up while occasionally licking your face. Good times! Why would Allah deny anybody such fun?!

Being that it's only 7:30 in the morning and I will be headed over to the Common-in-Law's house, I probably shouldn't start drinking just yet. But every time I glance at the cover of this Katana comic book, I'm sorely fucking tempted.

Our story begins with a bunch of tattoo artists that are closed during the day but don't bother locking up the shop because they're actually Sword Clan thugs and they're idiots.

But wait! This woman isn't any ordinary flower delivery person! It's Shuntouchable, Mistress of Scarification! And she's come to kill the assholes that tattooed her body with prophecies of the future! They go down in a hail of bullets shouting, "Why didn't we see this coming when we gave her that tattoo of us being gunned down by her?!"

As Shuntouchable unloads on the thugs with her automatic rifle, she speaks 94 words without having to reload. And those words are magical. No, magickal! MAGICKAL! WITH A "K"! You must savor them with me.

Mmm! Mmmm! The sweet, succulent nonsense of money laundered until it's black as chimney soot! SO GOOD!

This is why comic books are so much better than movies! In a movie, Shuntouchable would have kicked down the door and said, "HEY. TATTOO ARTISTS. I INK IT'S TIME TO DIE!" POW POW POW POW DEAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SLOW MOTION DIVING HEADS EXPLODING GLASS CRASHING WOOD SPLINTERING DEATH EVERYWHERE! Pause as she reloads and says, "THIS MAY HURT A BIT!" MORE DEATH AND BULLETS AND DESTRUCTION AND SCREAMING AND NOISE. Then when everybody is dead and Shuntouchable is standing there with her smoking gun, she can look around calmly and whisper, "Talk about body modification." Then she would light a cigarette and causally walk out.

Shuntouchable doesn't actually kill the tattoo artists. She just wounds them with every fucking bullet because she's either a really, really good shot with an automatic rifle, or a really, really shitty one. She tells them to let Coil know that she has a special Body Modification Plan for him. Then she takes a moment to remind everybody that Ann Nocenti is writing this book.

LOOKY THAT! L. O. O. K. Y. THAT! And that's not even the part that makes it so Ann Nocenti! That's just added awfulness!

Oh look! A picture that has fallen on the floor during the chaos! I guess I'll simply assume, for whatever fucking reason, that it's The Sword Clan's Logo! Yes, their Logo! Because they're obviously selling a product and branding is essential to that end. And if they have a logo, that must mean they're a club! Oh joy, wouldn't it be fun to join someday?

What the fuck? Why?! What? But! I mean? UGH!

Meanwhile, Katana is in Japantown feeling like she's been in a bad marriage! Because she hasn't slept and she's been fucking her dead husband's brother after giving up on fucking her sword in which her dead husband had been contained until very recently. Plus, like a bad marriage, she's been chasing a wild fucking kid around trying to kill it so that she can prove to her Sword Club (with their new logo!) that she can sink a boat that is making an extreme effort to stay afloat. I've never been in a marriage (good or bad) so I don't know if the analogy is apt or not. I'm just going to assume it is.

But Katana is pulling herself together now! She's finally realizing that she made a mistake somewhere in her past. I think the mistake was not killing Coil when she had him pinned to a tree but what the fuck do I know? Katana believes it's when she decided to partner with Sickle. That's not a bad choice since it's just one of her bad choices she's made. And since all the choices she's made so far have been bad, she really could have chosen any of them. But she also finally figured out something profound about love!

I think she's speaking metaphorically. Oh fuck, please let her be speaking metaphorically.

Oh yeah. She also let Mona Shard get away because she couldn't bring herself to kill a child. I guess that's okay because I'm sure the Mad Samurai will take care of everything for Tatsu.

And then remember everything that was happening before? Forget that. It was all bullshit that might make sense if you give a shit and really cared about skewing reality and pretending words can have negative values and decided to reread the entire series while fucked up on meth but who the fuck would do that? You know, about rereading the series. Not about the meth. Anyway, Junko is a cop and he's been using Katana to help drive the Yakuza underground and destroy the Sword and Dagger clans. But the cops have all that shit under control now. What Junko needs from Katana is for her to kill the Mad Samurai and end this comic book once and for all.

Don't fucking look at me. You figure this shit out.

I think Ann Nocenti had a stroke while scripting this comic book because she uses the phrase, "What, no one ever lied to you before?" three times in as many pages. Maybe she just didn't want us readers to miss it because she's saying it directly to us as we read.

DC Fan Getting Ripped Off By This Shit: "What the fuck? Was it a dream? Why is everything not the same as it was and totally different in a really stupid way? This is bullshit!"
Ann Nocenti: "What, no one ever lied to you before?"

So, Thrust (remember him? He liked to kill with his erect phallus) has given Shuntouchable the list of all the tattoo artists that worked on her so she could go around giving them tiny little bullet scars all over their bodies. Now he's led her to Coil although he didn't know she was going to bring a machine gun to the fight. But then, no one has ever lied to him before. He takes off so she can get down to business but not before saying one of my favorite Ann Nocenti Character Speeches so far:

There has to be a mathematical formula for writing Ann Nocenti Dialogue. Something like X + Y = Z but written in an analogous yet convoluted way. So a normal writer would write "X + Y = Z" while Ann Nocenti writes "Z - Y + Z - X = X + Y -2Z + 2(X + Y)".

Katana goes off to hunt down the Mad Samurai who is preparing for war. But first she must learn to stop a bullet by fighting with a falcon. While she does that, Shuntouchable decides to tattoo "LIAR" across Coil's face because his tongue is his actual weapon. He should be called Tongue and not Coil. But Katana arrives to stop her! It's a good thing Katana learned how to stop a bullet by fighting that bird because Shuntouchable is using a gun! Wow! It's all coming together in the shittiest way possible!

Also, one of the tattoo artists earlier mentioned a How-To Video about stopping bullets with his sword. Just so the reader would be prepared for Katana learning the technique by fighting a bird so that she could use it against Machine Gun Shuntouchable.

When do we learn this entire series has been a dream?

Like all good gun salesmen, the one that sold the assault rifle to Shuntouchable told her a joke! It was about people who live by swords dying by bullets! This made Shuntouchable realize that all jokes were true! Especially the one about Jesus seeing Peter's house. That one is the truest of them all. But Katana has a joke for Shuntouchable! It's a good joke! A very good joke!

And it's true because the gun seller lied to Shuntouchable about his joke. What, no one ever lied Shuntouchable before?

After Shuntouchable is down and out and Coil is still nearly crippled and the possessed bird is still flying around like a fucknut, The Mad Samurai who is now a twenty foot tall Sumo Wrestler comes crashing through the forest to defeat Katana! And he almost does! (Not really.) But Katana is saved (not really) when the spirit riding the Falcon decides to ride the Mad Sumo Wrestler! And, SURPRISE, it's Maseo! Katana is able to kill the Mad Sumo Wrestler with her Soultaker sword and thus absorb the souls of both The Mad Samurai and her husband at the same time! Proving that her husband actually does love her! For some reason! Plus Ann Nocenti finishes strong on another really good joke where the Sumo Wrestler (who hasn't been killed because, I guess, the Soultaker now only stabs souls riding mortals and doesn't actually hurt the mortal somehow) says, "I'm so hungry." Because he's fat! Get it?!

Oh, well, that isn't the exact end. I really wish it was though! I'd rather she ended on a "sumo wrestlers are fat" joke instead of this final page that I will leave you with. I won't say another word after this. I've had my say. You know my opinion about this comic book. It was awful. I'm almost certain we can bring a class action lawsuit against DC for selling this garbage as entertainment. Do you really think they can find a single witness that will admit to liking this drivel? Not a fucking chance! Anyway, on to the Final Ranking and the last page.

Katana #10 Rating: No change because what's worse than Eleventy Billion?! That's the lowest number there is!

If you think there were any other loose ends or inconsistent plot developments, you're probably just remembering incorrectly. Go have some eggnog. You'll be fine.

Batgirl #26

It's Christmas Eve! This issue doesn't look very Christmasy.

I wish I was getting fucked up on Eggnog right now except I still have to work later tonight, so I probably shouldn't make myself sick. Can a person get sick from the alcohol in Eggnog before they simply get sick of the Egg and the Nog or whatever the fuck is in that stuff. I don't believe I've ever tried Eggnog before in my life! Eggnog backwards is, phonetically, ganja. Okay, it isn't really. It's ganga. But fuck you for actuallying me on Christmas, you nerds.

Yes, yes! I "actually" mean Christmas Eve! Lay off!

I'm only really arguing with the voices in my head now, aren't I?

I'm asking Lord Google about Eggnog now since his name is very similar. Oh man. Now I know why there is alcohol in it. Some jerk came up with a drink made of milk and whipped eggs and everybody else was like, "Oh yeah. This is, um, terrific, Sven!" And when Sven, beaming from ear to ear, turned his back on the crowd to go whip up some more in the kitchen, everybody took out their flasks and started spiking that shit. "If I'm going to drink this asshole's whipped egg drink, I'm very well not going to do it sober!"

It just seems to me that the inventor of eggnog was probably named Sven. Sven Eggnogdotterson.

So, what was Babs up to recently? She'd killed her brother and pissed off her father and failed to stop her boyfriend from winding up in the hospital and given up the name Batgirl. She also hung out with Nightwing in his Annual trying to solve a really simple case. Although I think the artist might have fucked up on that issue which is why the case was so easy to figure out but Dick and Babs were still having a difficult time with it. Or they were just so nerved up from all of the sexual tension in the room that they couldn't think straight. "Hey, why is the killer's name on the list of the killer's victims?! Oh man I hope Dick accidentally rubs up against me and I feel movement!" Oh, also Babs had a new Villain Group after her composed of all the villains she had defeated up until this point and being led by Knightfall. I think that's all the plot points I need to remember! And those are all from my own memory since I reread my commentary for Issue #25 but it didn't have anything to do with the Wanted story arc. Also, it didn't really have much of anything to do with Issue #25! I wonder if I should be taking medication?

Oh yeah! First they were going after Gordon because of something to do with gangs and black market weapons sales and detective work.

I'm really looking forward to Charles Soule's She-Hulk! I don't know why that just popped into my head. I need to concentrate on one comic book at a time here. No wonder I can barely remember anything from month to month.

You know what else is kind of exciting and mildly titillating? The last issue of Katana is next on my stack! So excited to see that comic book end! And that's speaking as a huge fan of the character! Barr and Aparo's Batman and the Outsiders was my first monthly comic book I collected as a wee lad!

So the villains attacking Gordon are The Grotesque (although I'm not sure which one that is. The devil looking guy?), Gretel (the woman with green hair), Bonersmasher (the woman in the domino mask with all the muscles), Bleak Michael (who I think is outside standing guard and acting dour), and The Mirror (maybe? Was that his name? Is he there? Somebody is in a hood or something). There might be more but those are all that I can remember. And Katharsis moved on to Coral City, so she's decided not to take part.

Batgirl crashes through the window on her motorcycle to save her father. She didn't want to appear as Batgirl but it was the only outfit she had seeing as how the Batgirlcave was really just her van. I wonder if Batgirl is going to have to fight Commissioner Gordon at the same time she fights her real enemies? I can see that happening because I still haven't forgiven Gail Simone for that final panel in the first issue of Batgirl. You know the one? The stupid one. I'd describe it more accurately than that but I blacked it out with a Sharpie marker a long time ago.

Oh, here's a handy tip to make early issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws more enjoyable! Black out all of Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! It improves the comic by about 600%. I did the maths.

My best friend Paul from high school did this exact same thing once when some guy attacked us in the only fight I've ever been in. He didn't nail the back flip though. Also, he was just on my BMX Mongoose.

I don't want to go into the whole account of my only fight ever (besides, I'm sure I've already written about it in some other commentary somewhere. You can dig through all 1300+ commentaries to find it yourself) but I will say that I beat two guys with my Hosoi Skateboard and made them flee before me. And if you've ever ridden a Hosoi board, you know the only thing they're really good for is as a weapon. Those boards were fucking heavy. The only thing I regret about that night is that I didn't yell "By Crom!" as I was swinging the board.

Batgirl runs down Bonerbreaker and severs the artery in Gretel's arm in three separate places. The Grotesque just stands buy grinning but I think that's a mask so he might actually be crying. Jim and Babs decide to flee but run into this big jerk.

Great fucking super power, sir. "Look at your reflections! LOOK AT THEM! SO MANY OF THEM! You'll go MAAAAAD!"

Batgirl hurls a batgirlarang into The Mirror's eye because that worked so well against her brother James. But this time, the weapon is filled with explosives and blows up in his face. Wow! I guess Batgirl figured she accidentally already killed one person, who the fuck cares if anybody else dies at Batgirl's hands? Or maybe I should just take it on faith the way I never take it on faith with The Goddamned Batman that these assholes actually know what they're doing. "Oh, oh! We never kill! Break bones? Maim flesh? Nearly bleed out? Sure, sure! But we never finish them off! Once the hospital gets them, it's not our fault if they die! That's what malpractice insurance is for!"

Batgirl reminds me that this group of villains is called The Disgraced. I knew they had a suitably "we sucked the first time around" name but I just couldn't come up with it. Batgirl gives her father some intel on the villains and she mentions that The Mirror is the most dangerous. What? No way! She must be joking! Sure, he killed a lot of people. But all he does is open his cape and yell shit!

Ha ha! "You can walk now!" Good one, Gail! Oh, you don't have to pretend it wasn't on purpose for my sake! I'm cool with tasteless "remember how Babs used to be in a wheelchair" jokes!

Meanwhile, Knightfall has a back-up plan. If The Disgraced fail again (which, I think, their name may imply a really good possibility of that happening), Bleak Michael is to burn down Gordon's house with everybody inside. This Knightfall is a jerk. Too bad for her Commissioner Gordon knocks out Bleak Michael when Gordon takes his My Little Batsignal toy out to the yard to shine a tiny Batsignal in the sky. I wonder if Tiny Batman will respond?

After Batgirl lays down a serious ass kicking, Knightfall calls The Disgraced home. Now they're going to have to think up an even worse name for themselves! And then Gordon sticks a gun in Batgirl's face and tells her she's under arrest. What a dick move! But Babs turns it around on him and points out that sometimes people have to make tough decisions to save other people. Just like Jim did earlier, putting whats-his-name in a coma. Arnold? Samson? Villa Alegre?

Does anybody remember that show? Villa Alegre? The theme song is now in my head! Oh, anyway. That moment between Jim and Batgirl:

Oh, he knows who you are, Babs. He just doesn't want you taking away his Parental Deniability! Parents know things but they don't want to admit to knowing those things so they block them out and pretend to not know them! Don't spoil that for him!

Afterword while James Gordon Junior is hanging out with Knightfall, Barbara gets a call from Ricky's mother (oh yeah! Ricky!) that he's out of his coma and all better! The end!

Batgirl #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. Batgirl ends this issue realizing that she's regained her hope and her strength. I don't really care that much about the hope part of it but I'm glad that she really went balls tits out on the fight against The Disgraced. Her judgment is better and she's not pulling any punches or doubting herself. She's really come together and seems to know what needs to be done against each particular bastard she goes up against. It'll be nice to have a Batgirl with her confidence back. I bet she's even ready to have sex! Good thing Ricky's awake! The worst part about this issue is that Alysia didn't get to make any jokes or even make any appearances for that matter. I'm glad I have my declaration of Alysia being my favorite character of The New 52 time-stamped via my commentaries so I can point out how everybody else jumped on the "I love Alysia" bandwagon! Although since then, I've kind of abandoned her as my favorite when Vampire Tig stole my heart. I know she just wanted to eat it but that doesn't mean she didn't win me over anyway. And now I'm kind of crushing on 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 pretty hard. So Alysia better start getting some on-panel time before I forget her completely!

Batman #26

Idiot. Owls stand on finger bones. Bats hang from them.

Last issue, Bruce Wayne was stabbed in the neck with a syringe by Lucius Fox because Lucius isn't a good friend. Or else maybe there are other reasons, super secret comic book reasons, why Lucius knocked out Bruce Wayne with Knock Out Juice. Maybe he was actually saving Bruce Wayne's life because he knew Dr. Death was lurking in the shadows. That's probably the most probable of all the reasons although it's still Zero Year in this comic book, so maybe Lucius Fox just doesn't really know Bruce Wayne that well. But I'm sure Fox was just helping in a really strange and inappropriate way.

Well, that explains that. Fox injected Wayne with a vaccine which has to be delivered in a solution of Ether and Ketamine. See? He was saving Bruce! And everybody thought Lucius Fox had gone evil! Well, I mean, nobody actually thought that at all so it was kind of a weird cliffhanger to end on. Sort of if Alfred had slipped some Rufies into Bruce's tea and the issue ended with Alfred undressing Bruce and leering. Everybody would immediately not think, "Oh my God! Alfred is going to rape Bruce!" They'd just think, "Hmm, Alfred must have a perfectly good reason for this and it's going to save Batman's life."

Doctor Death is super excited that Bruce Wayne dropped by because he has a great big secret to tell him about something that happened a long time ago! So it's probably either about Bruce's parents or Jesus. Also, Doctor Death probably should have taken a name more evocative of his powers like The Bone Man, or Titties Bonerificus, or The Fluffer. Personally I like The Fluffer.

Speaking of fluffers, did y'all know that Build-a-Bear Workshop has a station with a sign hanging over it that says, "Fluff Me"? A picture of me in my trench coat with my arms spread out like a Christ figure while standing under that sign was the original header picture for Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. That was long before it became my New 52 Blog. Then it was just random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wanted to read. Now, it's random shit and drivel about myself that nobody wants to read but they slog through it anyway so they can stay current on DC's characters without having to give money to a company that doesn't give a shit about its fans. Also, I think some people read it for the occasional dick joke. They're all high-brow dick jokes, of course! I wouldn't debase myself with common or vulgar jokes about phalluses.

Some people might think my "Titties Bonerificus" joke is just low brow pablum but that's because they just don't understand how it's a call back to Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus which is all about an impotent man just trying to get his boner back. Or maybe I was just thinking about Damian's dog and erections. Bruce Wayne was stripping off his belt at the time and I'm only fucking human.

Bruce manages to suck Doctor Death through a jet engine but it just isn't enough to keep The Bone Man down.

Doctor Bonertime should market this serum to gorillas to increase the size of the bone in their penis! How do you send spam email to gorillas?

Bruce's skull is almost crushed but he's saved by the Commissioner ex Machina. Mostly by the Commissioner ex Machina's gun. Seriously though. Where did Gordon come from? Is he following Bruce? I wouldn't blame him. Bruce has been acting pretty crazy since he's come back to Gotham.

Later, Gordon and Bruce have a rational discussion about the past and discuss the possibility of working with each other in the future. They both decide that maybe now isn't the right time to start a partnership and Bruce leaves Jim on amicable terms.

Okay, okay. What really happened is that Bruce flipped the fuck out, told Gordon to shove himself up his own asshole, and then walked out of the hospital with a fractured skull.

The issue ends with Batman being shot up by the Gotham Police at the scene of yet another boner inducing catastrophe.

Batman #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. Seriously. What the fuck is up with this comic book right now? It just feels like not a lot is happening and I've just got next to nothing to say about it. Plus I really fucking dropped the ball and stopped paying attention to the page count on DC's $3.99 Comics at some point. This is the second time I've paid attention to it and instead of being 20 pages with an 8 page back-up feature, they've now become 22 pages with silky glossy covers. Fuck the gloss covers, bitches! Give me back my longer stories! I suppose all of the intrigue about Batman's past is interesting, like what the fuck is going on in the desert with Bruce Wayne locked in a big metal ball in some underground cavern while he receives a phone call from his long dead father? But it would be more interesting if I were reading this story arc all in one sitting instead of having to get these tiny little tantalizing moments from month to month so that I'll completely forget how they all fit together by the time they make any sense.

Anyway, -1 Ranking doesn't mean it's a fucking bad comic book. It just means it's not doing the shit that needs to be done to me to retain the top two spot overall. Where's the butt play? The nipple sucking? Why isn't it trying to get its tongue straight up my urethra? Come on, Batman! Let's get this party going!

Worlds' Finest #18

Superman just took Apollo the Sun God's full load right in his face and he figured out how to handle it. Get a hold of yourself, Kara!

Last issue ended with Kara crashing down out of orbit into whatever river is in New York. Probably The New York river of New York City within New York State. They're not very imaginative up there! I think all of the towns and cities in New York are called New York. It's a really confusing place to visit.

Also, the Shadow Bender got away. And I don't mean Bender as in a robot with a shiny metal ass. I mean Bender as in The Last Airbender cartoon even though I really don't know much about it. I just know they manipulate elements and have tattooed faces and stuff.

The Huntress takes control by remembering that her father once told her to "work with what you've got." The advice was for when she took that job stripping to get through Cat Burglar School but it's fairly applicable in other situations as well, like interviewing for a job or stopping a rampaging Kryptonian from destroying half of New York. And what does The Huntress have? Why, she has a crossbow! And that, really, is about it. So she manages to use one of her trick quarrels to pull Power Girl down into the river which seems like it would probably work to stop a burning woman shooting laser bolts out of her eyeballs.

Oh, it's the East River. So they're even less imaginative than I was giving them credit for.

Even though the East River somehow drains off all of Power Girl's excess power (through osmosis or something!), Kara is still having trouble with her powers cutting out. They leave her once again and she falls woozily into the river. Looks like they're going to have to track down Desaad and hope that his Power Sucker has a switch on it that goes from "Suck" to "Blow." Um, you know what I mean.

Meanwhile there is an interlude where we learn the Shadow Bender is named Tats and she doesn't want the power even though she wished for the power and the power was granted to her by a demon named Xazdi. Now Xazdi expects Tats to cause mischief and chaos and destruction with her power. Tats approached Xazdi with a great big Tumblr Beef with the world and now that he's given her the power to enact some serious fucking social justice, she doesn't actually like the work. But if she doesn't use her Shadow Tattoo Power, she's going to burn up. So she heads back out on the streets to fuck some skinny model shit up.

Then there's one of those moments that I really like about this comic book, when Levtiz is writing to the characters and their overall situation rather than writing to the plot and the current Bad Guy Du Jour.

I think The Huntress's doppleganger would be Helena Bertenelli, right? Except as we saw at the beginning of this series, that was merely one of Helena Wayne's aliases. So The Huntress probably doesn't have a doppleganger. Except this is comic books so she'll probably eventually be surprised to learn there really is a Helena Bertinelli out there!

After Hel and Kara call each other apt names for a bit, they decide to bet on who can find Tats the Arsonist first. My money is on The Huntress because she's practically The Goddamned Batman (maybe even better! Fucking no way New Earth Batman is anywhere near as good as Earth 2 Batman was!) and Power Girl is still having power problems.

And we have a winner! Although what good is winning dinner from Power Girl if The Huntress winds up eviscerated by a pair of Shadow Wolverine Claws?

I have to admit, the above panel is making me feel sexy things in whatever percentage of my being is lesbian. If sexuality is a spectrum, can I just admit to lying down across the whole fucking thing, spread-eagled, nude, and just waiting for an orgasm? Actually, I'm probably on the part of the spectrum that is mostly masturbation.

Tats gets away and runs into the Temple of Xazdi where the Priest guy waits in ambush for The Huntress as she follows Tats inside. But The Huntress knocks them both out because she's the daughter of Catwoman and Batman and nobody fucks with that genealogical bad-assery! But then the statue of Xazdi comes to life and begins choking the shit out of her. Whoops!

Good thing Power Girl shows up to save Helena's life even though that means she's going to have to pay for dinner later. Unless Hel lets the whole thing slide due to Power Girl saving the day and everything.

But you saved her ass with her crossbow after using her to find the perp! I say this bet should have ended in Dutch Territory.

Worlds' Finest #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I wonder if DC is ever going to present a story portraying why Power Girl's breasts are so much bigger than Supergirl's? What differences exist in the two separate timelines that would be responsible for that difference? I bet it's because Supergirl spent twenty years in suspended animation orbiting the sun in a tight, enclosed space that didn't give her breasts room to expand while they absorbed the sun's energy while Power Girl was never confined like that. That seems reasonable enough. I'm sure that also explains why Supergirl's butt is so much better. Somehow.

Green Lantern Corps #26

John just punched Guy in the face a few issues ago. He's been hanging around Supergirl too much.

I suppose this issue takes place pretty much on the heels of the Lights Out! Crossover since John hasn't been seen since then. I think. I don't recall seeing him team up to help Hal Jordan defeat PB Anj, so I suspect after he punches Hal in the face in this issue, he'll take off to go do his own thing. I have no idea what that thing will be seeing as how this comic book is titled Green Lantern Corps and Hal Jordan is the current leader of the Corps.

My mistake. I guess I just didn't recognize John while he was helping capture the Braidsmen. Or maybe he was in the toilet during the entire conflict. Although I do remember 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 being there!

John has been waiting for the Citadel from Oa (which turned out to be an escape pod) to return to Mogo with the wounded Green Lanterns that fled the battle against Relic. One of those Green Lanterns is the Star Sapphire, Fatality. While John waits sexcitedly for his reunion with Fatality, The Citadel comes crashing down on the planet where it is gently guided into Mogo's awaiting anus.

This kiss takes place within Mogo's anus.

Maybe Mogo does have an anus, you don't know! Mogo is a living planet! When's the last time you've done gobs and gobs of research on living planets, hunh? Yeah, probably never ever. So if I want to make a scientific guess that the hole which Mogo is able to open at will, like a sphincter, is an anus, I think that's just as plausible as the hole not being Mogo's anus. And since this is my commentary where I'm in total control and don't have to fear losing any anti-planet-anus sponsors, I'm going to call it Mogo's Anus. It is now a landmark on Mogo!

Once everybody on the citadel is safe and things seem back to normal, Raath or Raam or Grath or whatever the fuck his name is decides it's time to preach to John Stewart about how using the rings goes against God. "Blah blah blah end of all existence! Whine whine whine destruction of everything!" Jesus! Give it a rest already! At least John responds appropriately. No wonder he's the best Green Lantern even though everybody treats him like a second rate bitch and he always gets sent out to take care of the impossible jobs where lots of people die and he winds up feeling like a failure. It takes a strong man to take on those jobs!

See? John Stewart agrees with me! Relic's idiotic theory has still never been proven.

This argument between the Lanterns that take Relic's theory on faith and the ones that would like some actual proof reminds me of something I've wanted to mention which has no real context to comic books but it's been in my head lately so now I'm going to say it! So my friend, Bobby Henline, who was nearly killed in Iraq by an IED was an atheist until that tragic event. Afterward, he found Jesus and God or some Holy Spirit or something. I don't really know for sure because the one time he brought it up, he said, "I haven't told you my Found Story yet." And I responded with, "You mean your Fooled Story?" Yeah, I know that makes me sound like one of your cliche arrogant atheist dickholes but Bob and I have been friends since the third grade and our relationship relies on knocking the hubris out of each other on a nearly constant basis. He once shoved me over a bush while I had my hands in my pockets and I just barely managed to land on my shoulder instead of on my neck! And since I was just fine, we had a good laugh about it and how I must have looked flying toward the street frantically trying to pull my hands out of my pockets without any success. Anyway, Bob's fans and the people of his community love his inspirational story about finding Jesus. And I say, they can have him! I don't mind that when an atheist finds religion, it's almost always because of trauma. But when a religious person loses faith and becomes an atheist, it's almost always through logic and rational thought. The religious people usually think those that become atheists are somehow despairing but they should fucking know better. They're the ones that smell despair and weakness and swoop in with a properly timed, "Have you heard the word of Jesus?"

And since I mentioned "arrogant atheists," I should point out that we are not the arrogant ones. My disbelief does not do anything to your belief. Your beliefs don't matter to me. Just because I don't believe what you believe, that doesn't mean I'm insulting you or belittling you or negating your religion. On the other hand, I'm often thought of as a hellbound piece of shit sinner simply because I don't believe in Sky Cake. I suppose the reason atheists are seen as arrogant is because they believe they're actually in control of their lives while the religious see God as the one in control. So, yeah. I guess in that sense, I'm an arrogant bastard that believes the words I type came out of my electro-organic think organ as opposed to being fed divinely into my soul from on high.

Merry Christmas! Yes, I enjoy Christmas. Fucking deal with it. My favorite Christmas song is "All I Want Is To Hit A Red Dwarf" which is a mashup. But my favorite actual Christmas song is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." My favorite Christmas movie is About a Boy. My favorite Christmas Special is The Year Without a Santa Claus although How The Grinch Stole Christmas is pretty fucking good as well. I once wrote a deconstruction of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that will cause you to never look at that show in a non-racist way again. Looking the article up on Google, I notice I wrote it on December 6th, 2000. Since then, a lot of people have also been writing on the racism of Rudolph although I don't think any of the ones I read really broach the subject as well as I did. I even get the distinct impression some of my shit was stolen by these other people! And probably because of the character I used to write the piece! "Golly gee, this here article makes some really well-thought out points. But the language and spelling will probably keep people from really getting anything out of it. He probably won't mind if I steal some of these ideas and write them up in a proper English article, pip pip!"

I probably wouldn't write an article in a stereotyped voice like this at this point in my life but at the time, it really gave me the freedom to try to look at America with a different set of eyes. I didn't write all of the articles by The Cavortin' Bastard but I'm still proud of a few of the ones I did write, most especially the Rudolph article, the X-Files article, and my thoughts on September 11th written just four days later which encapsulated my feelings which I still feel today. It's easy to look back on what you believed when you're thoughts and actions are motivated by rational thought instead of motivated by fear or political maneuvering.

Anyways, that's a small glimpse into some of the shit I was doing thirteen years ago. If you have a problem with any of it, you can email it to the guy who wrote it thirteen years ago.

Back to Green Lantern, Salaak has gotten word that the Khund have given Jruk's homeworld of Oranx an "offer" of protection. So Jruk, Feska (who should probably check in on her son soon), and Arisia are chosen to go deal with that situation in a nice, calm, talky-talky way. While they do that, John and Hal are going to have a "talk." I put talk in quotes because remember the cover!

Meanwhile, those fucking Durlans are everywhere!

Arisia and Feska learn that Oranx is a Dismemberocracy where politicians fight to the death to decide who has the better way of running things. What a dream system! Anyway, the councilors are about to decide whether or not they will ally with the Khunds. The decision will be made by combat to the death although things might change now that Jruk and the other Lanterns are here. Since this is a Green Lantern Corps book, they can't just sit on the sidelines watching the violence! They are going to have to partake of it!

But first there's that other combat to get to! You know the one! The one portrayed on the cover! Between Hal and John! Geez, aren't you paying attention? Maybe I shouldn't speak directly to the reader as if you were an unperceptive moron. That probably drives away potential followers, doesn't it? Oh, fuck it! Who cares?! I'm not writing this for you anyway! I'm writing this for future me so that I can remember all of these stupid comic books!

Man. There's a lot more pain in John in that last panel than has been alluded to in The New 52.

This is where The New 52 really kind of falls apart. I haven't been given enough information to really get a read on John's "It shouldn't have been you, Hal!" But that line makes me think John has been terribly hurt by Hal's actions in the past and John just can't understand how the Guardians have put this man in the top spot. I know he's scared for Guy and he's concerned for Yrra and those things are directly related to Hal's actions as well. So maybe that's all there is. But the way Green Lantern has really kind of continued from the Preboot to the Reboot without any real changes, it makes me feel like I'm really missing something else between these two.

"...everything except the will to rebuild."

These two pages are a really fucking nice moment between these two guys. I especially like Hal's "I deserved that. Probably" line. And the idea of keeping John the Architect around to rebuild. I like seeing these two patch things up and would love to see Guy Gardner amongst them. Kyle I really don't care about. He's fine off flying about with the Bohemian Guardians and Carol Ferris! Anyway, John sticks around to plan the new home of the Green Lanterns and Mogo creates it.

Meanwhile on Oranx, Arisia is having that moment I had earlier where I said the Green Lanterns can't just sit and watch! But that's what they're doing! Sitting and watching! And Arisia is complaining about it! While Jruk is telling Arisia that they can't interfere, Feska assassinates one of the gladiators. Of course with all the Durlans running around, we all know it isn't really Feska. She's still walking off her anger at Jruk treating her like shit earlier that I didn't mention because of patriarchal reasons. So Feska is probably in big trouble. And maybe Arisia and Jruk too!

The diplomatic mission kind of falls apart at this point and even though Jruk gets his ring to prove that a Green Lantern was not behind the assassination, Vrokull (the Durlan disguised as an Oranxian) declares that they will ally with the Khund to protect them from the Green Lanterns. Jruk knows this place is no longer his home, a place that would not believe his friend Feska, a place that would threaten to kill her. He flies off hand in hand with Feska to head home to Mogo. Umm, Arisia third wheels along with them.

And back on Mogo, a bunch of Durlans have already infiltrated the Green Lantern Corps' new home and are planning their plan to destroy the Green Lanterns.

Green Lantern Corps #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. I think Van Jensen and Robert Venditti have some pretty tight control on this comic right now. I like that Stewart doesn't quite buy into Relic's theory but he's going to have to deal with those that do. And I like that John even mentions how some Lanterns are afraid to head into space because their rings might fail them. Because the problem with the rings really was never satisfactorily solved. We could assume that after the Spectrum was refilled that they just went back to working. But the causal link was never actually established so, really, the smart thing would be not to find yourself in the vacuum of space just in case these rings aren't quite fixed. Plus John knows he needs to deal with training the new recruits and figuring out how to help Guy. He's got a lot on his plate in the upcoming months and most of it will probably be ignored as the Durlans wind up attacking. Anyway, I have good feelings for the future of this series.