Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16

Hey. Hey Tumblr. Lesh me tellsh you a shecret. You're drunk. No wait. I'm drunk. You're kind of cute. Can I put my hand in your crotsch? Yeah. Here I go! Going down. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Shcrolling. Um. Uh. Tumblr? Do you have a crotsch? Your torsho jusht keepsh goink and goink and goink. You're weird. Imma not gonna fuck you now. Good bye.

Hey. Hey Blogshpot, you whore.

End scene! That was my short play, Drunk Guy Fucks Internet. I'm going to win a Pulitzer! Do you win those for plays?

Last issue of Superman Loves Wonder Woman was, surprisingly, garbage. You might think it brings a thrill to my black little hole where my soul would be if souls existed to shovel shit all over a comic book I found poorly written but then you'd have another think coming. I mean, you would if you wanted to keep thinking thoughts until you thought the correct thought. I don't like trashing a comic book written by a writer that I've grown to respect. Peter Tomasi has done some fine work for The New 52 (and apparently some fine Preboot stuff too but how would I know about that stuff? I didn't exist before September 2011. I mean, I didn't start reading comic books until I was summoned from the 34th Plane of the Abyss before September 2011. I mean, I began reading comic books again in September 2011). And since he's written some of my favorite stuff, I hate to slap him in the head and scream, "Don't do bad writing!" I found that doesn't work for Lobdell and Nocenti but it's fun slapping them anyway. Also, I don't believe in actual physical violence. I'm just writing words here, words that express an imaginary situation.

I forget what the point of that last paragraph was going to be so let's move on to the comic book, shall we?

The issue begins with little David Magog remembering his mother being taken away by Parademons five years ago.

"NO! Fuck you Superman and Wonder Woman! How dare you not have any part of my mother being stolen by alien beings!"

I'm glad nobody can see my memories like this! Because when my mom was bleeding out in the car accident, I yelled, "Mom! I hope you have your will squared away so I don't have to worry about a ton of bureaucratic nonsense!"

That was a lie. My mom is still alive. She calls me to discuss Walking Dead every other week or so. She's the one to thank that I'm incapable of emotion because I buried the heart of my secret self deep within me. It was the only way to not completely flip the fuck out when she would watch horror movies with me every weekend. I was just a kid! I thought it was fun! I had no idea it was going to wear my psyche down to a fine polish so that everything in life just slips right past it. Now I can't love and I can't take anything seriously and I keep the rotting carcasses of neighborhood children in my basement.

Shit man. This commentary is getting dark! Maybe I should give you guys my mother's phone number so you can call her and yell at her for ruining my life! Or you could just call her up and discuss the Walking Dead with her. She'd totally love that!

Is that weird that Wonder Woman trusts her mother? Is that a common thing? You might understand why I ask that after having read the previous few paragraphs.

For some reason, Circe doesn't like Wonder Woman. It might have been explained last issue. Or it might be explained in a page or two by Circe herself since villains love to, you know, spill the beans. Literally?

I know why Magog wants to kill Superman! Because Magog is an idiot projecting his rage against Darkseid onto Superman and the other Justice League members. He and David Graves should really begin a support network for people whose loved ones died because a super hero wasn't around to save them. Lana Lang was almost a member of this group but she realized she was acting like a brat and throwing a tantrum because her friend Superman didn't give her parents special life-saving treatment.

Oh, enough out of you! Deal with your guilt in a less destructive way. Have you tried roleplaying games?

Meanwhile some Evil Mister Smarty Pants continues to plan his evil plan using the Fearsome Five and some other b-list villains like Atomic Skull and Major Disaster.

Circe teleports away with Wonder Woman and leaves Magog to murder Superman while he's busy holding the bridge together. Instead, Superman decides to kick Magog's ass with just his eyes.

I guess he uses his feet a bit too.

Superman beats Magog down, fixes the bridge, and breaks Magog's weapon. When he does, he's vaporized instantly! Or maybe just teleported to another location. Who can guess?!

Circe has brought Wonder Woman, encased in asphalt, to the island of AIAIA! Now's where she tells her why she wants to kill her!

Oh, Circe is evil! Trying to stir up all this Amazons are rapists and Wonder Woman is the son of a man shit again!

Superman appears but since Circe is magic, he's not going to be much use. He might look at her angrily and say some bold, righteous words of justice, but in the end he'll just get taken out of the fight by a simple spell. Meanwhile Wonder Woman breaks out of her asphalt tomb and begins bashing in the heads of Circe's ani-men. What does that stand for? Animal Men? Animated Semen? When she's finished knocking Circe's entire army unconscious, Circe tells her she as decided not to kill Wonder Woman now. Instead, she'll have Superman kill as many humans as possible because that would totally hurt Diana's feelings. Although, you know, this is a really good time for Wonder Woman to take some of her anger out on Superman over giving her that stupid flower that turns into a monster if it doesn't get fed on a daily basis. What a douche present! She should knock out at least one of his molars for that shit.

I'm fucking serious this time, Superman. You need to check yourself, brah! This whole thing where you tell everybody in the world that you're not dangerous to the world and you don't plan on becoming a fascist leader forcing everybody to do your whim in a ploy to eradicate evil. But you keep fucking getting mind controlled which is even worse! All of those people in power, all of the citizens afraid of your power, and Lex Luthor...all of those people I'm constantly calling assholes because they don't believe in you...fuck man. I owe them all an apology! Because you are a fucking hazard to Earth! Until you find a way to assure everybody that you won't destroy the world because Queen Bee or Hector Hammond or Circe or Doomsday have taken over your senses, you need to get the fuck off of the planet. At least let Batman rig some kind of Kryptonite Suicide Capsule in one of your molars which he can activate by remote control. You may never plan on hurting anybody on Earth, Superman, but you've proven that you haven't done enough to stop other people from using you to hurt everybody on Earth. You need to go to Mars and figure something out because I'm sick of you going on these mind control rampages!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. I guess this story arc is supposed to be exciting because Superman and Wonder Woman are being challenged by two of their biggest foes, Magog and Circe. But neither one of them are really angry at either one of the heroes! It's all just misplaced rage! Supervillains are supposed to be smart and/or insane. I think these two are just stupid. Okay, maybe Magog went insane as a little kid and then went even more insane when only five years later a super hot witch turned him into a real live man and probably taught him about carnal good times. But Circe is just being a dick because she's pissed off at Hippolyta. Go take your revenge on Hippolyta if you're so...oh. Right. Oh, okay. Carry on then. Beat the shit out of her daughter! I mean, after Superman beats the shit out of her.

Batgirl #39

Spoiler Alert: Batgirl kicks its ass!

Dear Diary!

I drew a pornographic picture this morning! I know! I'm so nasty. And then I did that thing that artists on the interspace do where they take a picture of it along with their drawing implement to show how amazing their work was when it was done with just that one piece of equipment! Close your eyes if you've never seen a penis before, Diary!

I've only ever seen one and it was quick and blurry and on Frankie's phone but I think I got it mostly right here! I had to guess at the balls but since they're called balls, they must look like two balls under the penis, right?!

Godzarks, I sound like such a naive dweebort. I'm twenty-one years old and I've never touched a penis and I'm making up silly words in my bedazzled purple diary! No offense, Diary! But I shouldn't be writing my secrets into you! I should be whispering them into the ear of a manly man as his penis spins inside of me! Or however it works! Ugh! I'm so pent up with vaginal fluid! Can't that drive a woman mad?! I think I have blue ovaries from not getting any! Why are guys such goddamn teases?! I mean the hot guys who I want to ravish my sexiness, not those creeper guys that say things like "Milady" and "I'm a nice guy!" Because usually the next words out of their mouths when you say "No thanks!" are "You cunt!" I am so over guys who have to declare themselves as nice guys because they certainly have never shown how nice they are.

You know what else I'm just about over with right now, Diary? Burnside! Talk about betrayal! Now I know how Superman feels when he saves the day every single day and then Congress calls him before it and is all, "Give us some proof that you won't turn on us and be an evil jerk. Wear this collar!" or whatever. This is why Batman learned that trick where he disappears the second you aren't looking him directly in the eyes! Anyswayze, you probably want to hear all about it, don't you, Diary? Of course you do! That's why you sold yourself to me! So that I'd spread you open and stick my pen inside of you!

So a few nights ago, I found myself being chased by a bunch of crazy, amateur vigilantes. No wait. Let's call them a lynch mob because what they were doing was way different than what B-man and I do! B-man is code just in case somebody finds you hidden in my dirty panties under the bed!

At least my ass looked extremely touchable that night!

I wrote "touchable" because I don't want to seem weird by saying "lickable." Does that make me weird, Diary, that when I think about a guy's tongue in my ass my inner thighs become more spectacular than Angel Falls? When I was much, much younger (like sixteen or something), I remember walking down the street with my best friend Sarah Swayze (it's why I started saying "Anyswayze!" She always said, "Whatevegordon!") and walking in front of us was a hetero couple. The girl had her arm around the guy's waist and the guy had his hand in the crack of the girl's ass, rubbing it! Sarah was all, "Eww! Gross! You're supposed to just cup the buttcheek!" And I just said, partially moaning and growing slightly dizzy with severe jelly legs, "Um, yeah. Right." But really I was thinking how awesome it would feel to have a man's fingers slowly caressing my tailpipe! I almost called it my poop faucet just now but I don't want to think about poop when I'm thinking about a guy touching my butthole! And even though Sarah was my best friend, I couldn't bring myself to tell her that what that guy was doing to that girl was turning me into unsellable swamp lands. I felt like that made me weird! But maybe Sarah was the weird one, right? Maybe most girls like their bucket kissed!

Anyswayze, I was up on this roof with a bunch of normies chasing me down! It's always hard to defend oneself against normal people because you can't really do much without hurting them. They're all so flabby and untrained and have, most likely, never taken a punch in their lives! So I had to run like a coward while trying to convince them that I was their friend! I was there to save the city! I could help Burnside! Didn't these people understand that I was the neighborhood's savior?!

Hmm, now that I write it like that, it seems a bit arrogant, doesn't it Diary? No wonder some people hate Green Arrow. He's always all, "You people can't control yourselves! You've made such a rotten mess of everything that now I have to take you by the hands and show you the way! You're lousy citizens that fudge up every thing you try to do and only one person can save you now!" Then he pulls out his stupid ass bow and arrow and raise them above his head and yells, "Green Arrow!" And he expects everybody to cheer? He's lucky he doesn't get pelted with fruit every time somebody spies him.

Although he is kind of hot. I wouldn't mind climbing up his space needle.

Qadir is cute in that doesn't really perform much upkeep on himself kind of way. But his sister would kill me!

So here was my problem, Diary! No, not the I can't get laid problem. Enough with that! Sex isn't all young women think about, you know! I also think about justice and my thesis! And sometimes I concentrate really hard hoping I can curse Grump Canary into feeling super guilty about giving me a hard time so that she'll come crawling back to apologize. Then I can apologize too and we'll cry and laugh and drink some hot chocolate together. Then she'll tell me that Condom fell off of a building and died and we'll decide to get the Birds of Prey back together! And we'll start by bailing Starling out of the drunk tank and giving her shooting lessons so that maybe she can hit something once in awhile. And then we'll get Poison Ivy on the team because our team needs that bad girl edge even if I'll wind up arguing with her a lot about how we can't be killing people and trying to rape them with mind control lipstick pheromones. I'd probably suggest we steer clear of Katana because remember that time she blew up that hotel that hadn't yet been evacuated? Holy ballsacks, she killed a lot of innocent people that time. I wonder why none of us ever talked about it?!

Anyswayze, back to my problem! Burnside hated Batgirl and not just because I'm unlikable! I mean, I'm not unlikable at all! The reason they hated me was because I had like eighteen thousand imposter wannabes pretending to be me! And one of them was trying to bone my almost boyfriend Liam the Cop! That makes me so mad! Not before I've sullied him first!

Ugh. I keep getting distracted! The problem with having an eidetic memory is that I can't forget any of my problems ever for even one moment and they're all crowding into the front of my brain vying for my attention! So my problem was this: somebody put out a hit on me for $20 Million Scratcheroonies. Scratcheroonies are roughly equal to one dollar. And they posted it all over HOOQ! So now the people I'm trying to date all probably want to kill me! Vagina, no wonder you're full of cobwebs.

So those were just a few of the problems I was having. And I still haven't mentioned my thesis boner. The bad kind of boner, Diary! Not the presumably good kind of boner!

How can I be like the smartest person I know and this old fart academic can make me feel so stupid? To my level of intelligence, he's no smarter than the guy that dishes up popcorn down at the Movieplex. No offense intended, Josh of the cute, tight acrylic pants. But come on. You are kind of dumb. And cute.

So after the disaster of a thesis meeting with Old Mister Bald Fart Crotch (I mean, I totally respect him and everything but let's face it: he's definitely a super villain!), I learned from Cute but Maybe a Bit Too Old Jeremy Office Across the Hall that Grump Canary's band, Ashes on Bumday, were going to be playing the big HOOQ party. And he was all, "She's so hot! I sure would love to do adult things to her!" And I was all, "Poo! She's not so good looking!" And Jeremy was all, "How come when I talk to you, you bite your lower lip until it bleeds?" And I was all, "Stop noticing those things because I have an almost boyfriend and you can't have sex with me because you're old and you think Grump Canary is hot!" And he was all, "Barbara? Barbara? Hello? Are you having a fantasy conversation in your head while I'm talking about possibly smooching on your friend?" And I was all, "Take me now, Jesus!" And Nadimah was all, "Mohammad." And I was all, "Whatever. Either one!"

The point I'm trying to make is school is stressful and messed up! And my home life is stressful and messed up! And my love life is stressful and messed up and nonexistent! And my friendship with Grump Canary is stressful and messed up!

Has life ever been this hard for anybody ever?!

So I found a roof to cry on when I heard somebody call for help! A damsel in distress! I would save the day because at least that was something I knew I could always succeed at! I mean at which I could always succeed! I'm no illiterate! And I kick major ass too! I kind of interrupted my thought there but whatevegordon!

So I'm kicking the asses of these guys in skull masks when the damsel in distress turns out not to be in distress at all! It was a big trick to earn the 20 Million Scratcheroonies! Gah! Now my crime fighting was stressful and messed up too! But wait! What was that, Diary!? Was it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it's...well, yeah, actually it was a bird.

Oh my god. She's so hot. Next to Dinah, I look like a spilled bowl of nachos.

When Dinah said we were going to have a "staff meeting," it was a pun! Because she wanted to train with bo staffs! Staves? Hunh, maybe I am illiterate!

So Dinah and I sparred while we talked over the Mystery of Batgirl Trying to Defeat Batgirl. She was so funny and cute and sexy, I'm surprised I could concentrate on anything. How come the entire city isn't in love with this woman?! Why doesn't she have her own town that she's defending where everybody cheers when they see her fly by in the night and then immediately bring themselves to orgasm where they stand because holy shit her body is on point. I bet her butthole smells like vanilla pudding! How come there isn't a national holiday dedicated to Black Canary?! This woman has everything! Plus she helped me figure out who my super secret super villain was! It was WOPR! I mean, HOOQ!

That explains it all somehow!

So my revelation about Frankie being in trouble was spot on. GENIUS! I mean, I shouldn't be so excited about getting that right! Frankie was in trouble! Kidnapped by HOOQ! Or, um, I guess whoever was running HOOQ and using my brain scan to his advantage. Was it Riot Black, Diary? Don't make me spoil the ending! I'll get to it soon enough (although I might have to take a break and continue this entry later because sometimes life needs a cliffhanger, you know?!). So Grump Canary and I headed on over to HOOQ headquarters where it looked like Frankie was being held captive by the Secret, Mystery Evil Smarty Pants! Canary would be back-up and I would go in boobs flopping and feet kicking and mouth "Hi-ya!"ing! Total action movie rescue and then my life would be all better!

Anyswayze, I found Frankie sitting in front of a computer terminal looking at video of me getting Bat-dressed. She would have to die! I mean, it's cool. It's always better when your roommate knows your secret. It helps explain all the bloody clothing on wash day, you know? And I guess brain scans have really made leaps and bounds in technical advancements because she even had video of me being shot by The Joker which wasn't from my perspective at all but from behind my head! What the hell is up with that, memory?! Also, can you believe that actually happened? Like, when I think about it, it seems like the kind of story that was supposed to just be a daydream and not really a part of your life, say, in canon, but then all of a sudden you wake up and some dick editor was like, "Yeah, yeah! This should be like a true story and shit! Cripple that bitch!" And you're all, "Aw, fuck. What did I do to deserve this?!" But then you're all, "You know what? Fuck this bullshit shit! I'm going to be a bad-ass super hero anyway!" And then it's almost like an out of body experience when you make that transition. Almost as if some Unknowable God that might be called, I don't know, Ostrander or something...almost like he saw your true potential and he lifted you up and set you in the chair in front of a computer and he whispered proudly in your ear: "Do what you do best, Batgirl." And yet another moment in your life begins but this time with a more metaphorical BAM! And you rain hell down on the bad guys calling yourself Oracle because it's like flipping off that fucking editor and writer that one day decided your life didn't mean shit and you were a nobody and maybe it might be a nice, shocking moment to have you shot in the fucking spine. Well, fuck you, life! Batgirl keeps kicking ass!

Oh, also the computer told me that I wasn't Batgirl and that it was. Shit. I guess I was going to have to play five million games of Tic Tac Toe with it to show it the meaning of futility! Also, I could kick it in the face. That's almost the same definition! But the end of this story will have to wait until next time, Diary! I need to pee so bad!

Batgirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I truly love reading this book. Burnside Batgirl has become my favorite Batgirl. Granted, I haven't read a whole lot of Batgirl comic books. Although I was reading Suicide Squad off the shelves and I loved it and I loved Oracle, so if I had to choose between this Batgirl and when she was Oracle in Suicide Squad, I'd have to say, "Fuck you. I don't have to choose at all!" So there.

Batman and Robin #39

Damian's quinceañero goes horribly wrong.

I either need to invest in a notebook or a scribe because, while I was out in the scary world (aka the real world), I forgot the subjects I was going to muse about on this blog. That might be for the best since most readers of this blog think of it as a blog about comic books no matter how many times I point out that it's a blog about the most gifted person ever born to the modern era: Nikola Tesla. It's also a blog about me. I really should start making it more obviously about Nikola though.

Previously in Batman and Robin, Damian had begun to believe that gaining super powers was somehow a shortcut to adulthood. I can see how somebody powerful enough to shove their parents through a wall could make that mistake. But Damian's parents are Batman and Alfred, so even if Damian is powerful enough to turn them into billion dollar paste, it doesn't mean he's going to be capable of it. So that fucking brat had better shape up quick! Especially since there are only two issues left (counting this one!) before Batman can finally give Damian a hug.

This issue begins with Damian using his super speed to round up a few of Gotham's elite criminals. Well, one elite criminal and several nobodies. If you're keeping score, The Penguin is the elite criminal. Killer Croc, Bathead, Smush, Bootface, and Scallop are the nobodies. Okay fine! Killer Croc is a b-list somebody! But you have to admit that he isn't an "elite criminal." At the most, he's hired muscle and a fucking cannibal.

Damian gathers them all up in a room to show them his new super powers.

Tell their friends free trips into space?! Hoo boy!

Damian loses his grip on the rope and almost cleans up Gotham a little bit. But Batman flies by in the Batwing, catches the rope, and lectures Damian.

You might also believe he flipped him off, depending on how good my photoshop skills are.

The next day, Damian and Bruce go fishing the way neither of them love to do. While fishing, Bruce tells Damian how he was able to resurrect him. Turns out the chaos sliver that Bruce used to bring Damian back from the dead also implanted the knowledge within Bruce about how to accomplish the feat. In other words, comic books.

Damian cuts Alfred's suggested father/son time down by flying Bruce and the boat back to Wayne Manor. Now that they've half-heartedly respected Alfred's wishes that they bond in a normal activity, Bruce goes back to running tests on Damian and almost getting sued by Marvel.

Ten years old? I'm forty-three and still feel invincible! Except for my eyesight failing, my lower back constantly hurting, hemorrhoids, enlarged prostate, decreased lung function, hatred of new music, increasing concern over the lawn, fear of youth, decreased sexual appetite except where teenaged girls are concerned and then I'm a leering, drooling pervert, abundance of ear hair, loss of head hair, occasional renal failure, tendency to vote Republican, and the ever increasing strong belief that every random opinion to pop into my head is the wisest and most profound thing ever thought by anybody ever. Besides those things, I still feel sixteen! Also, I might not actually suffer from all of those things. Although I'm getting rather fidgety right now thinking that there might be kids on my lawn!

Damian continues to rely on his new powers instead of his Bat-Training while battling Gotham bad guys and it's giving Batman an ulcer. Unless ulcers aren't caused that way anymore but are caused by viruses instead. What am I? A doctor?! Or even curious about ulcers? Gross! You can Wikipedia that garbage if you're interested.

Batman tries to talk some adult logic into Damian's little kid brain and just like all the little kids reading this right now thinking, "Pshaw! Whatever, old person!", he doesn't believe that age and experience might know something that he's yet to learn. Also, what are you doing reading this, little kid? Does your mom want you to read words like cunt and cocksucker? I didn't think so. Now go back to playing Penguin Club that's probably full of old pervert penguins trying to lure young penguins into seductive, censored sex dens. Or *** dens.

Batman gets called by the Justice League to solve one of their problems, so he leaves Damian alone with the Batmobile. Is this one of those moments where you show your child that you trust them and that motivates them to do the right thing? Or is Batman a naive dickslap?

Apparently Batman just did the pretend to leave but wait around a little bit to see how badly Damian goofs off instead thing.

There are loads and loads of types of people but the two I'm interested in talking about right now are these: one type of soulless, joyless motherfuckers that read the preceding panel and think, "How the fuck is the Batsignal still working?"; and the other that thinks, "Did Tess use that semicolon correctly?" No wait! The other whimsical, gleeful types think, "Ha ha ha!" Or something. I'm one of a third type that really enjoys Tomasi so even though I think about the Batsignal and how it shouldn't still be lit (Damian's super powers, probably!), I still thoroughly enjoy this scene. But if it were Red Hood or Arsenal in this scene being written by Scott Lobdell, I'd tear his fucking head off with my words!

I embrace my hypocrisy and bias and sometimes I even bring it to orgasm.

Damian acting like a complete psychopath earns him a trip to the Justice League Satellite Headquarters Sponsored by LexCorps, so it totally worked. In your face, Batman! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I thought Damian was trying to trick him into transforming. Apparently, Shazam can say "Shazam" without changing. I bet he only changes if he says it with an exclamation point at the end!

While Shazam tries to get Robin to play with him, Superman informs Batman that Godzilla is attacking Japan. I bet battling that monster would be more fun than playing Mario Kart with Billy Batson! Although Damian should pal around with Shazam because Shazam is proof that the Justice League allows minors on the team! They must not care about minors getting injured if they allow Billy to fight with them. And if they refuse to let Robin join, then it shows that the only thing the Justice League really cares about is the way people view them. As long as people think the thirteen year old is a full grown man, nobody is going to hassle them about it.

Robin knows a little bit about the island where the monster is from and it's called Ghost Island. Isn't that the island where Planetary found all the giant monster corpses?

Whoa! What kind of parental gambit is this, Batman?! I bet he just doesn't trust Damian to remain on the satellite all by himself.

Batman and Robin #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I bet Batman learned about some kind of radiation on Monster Ghost Island that negates Chaos Shard superpowers! That guy's always got some kind of plan. Removing Damian's superpowers falls in the parental category of "for his own good." He's gotten careless now that he's begun relying on his powers. Taking his powers away will save this kid's life before his powers fail for a microsecond just as a bullet rips its way through his throat. And then what? I'll have to read another nine months of Batman dealing with his grieving process all over again! And in the middle of that, he'll probably have a five issue story arc dealing with Erin McKilleverbuddy. And who wants to sit through that again, no matter how good they were the first time? Oh, um, and here's my review of this comic book: it gets to be better than Grayson at least until Grayson comes out because this comic book is entertaining. Then pretend I wrote a few trite lines about how the art works with the story and some bullshit.

Supergirl #39

Harley seems super excited to see Kara's Kryptonian Sunstone collection.

I'm sure most of you are wondering why I didn't come up with a dirty caption for this cover. Well, fuck you. I did! You just don't remember the issues of Supergirl where she was floating in the clouds sticking sun crystals in her vagina. Don't take it from me though! Supergirl's quite forthcoming about her use of the sunstones!

I assure you that this panel has not been changed by me. Probably.

And here she is powering up her FWASH! ability.

Look how veiny it is!

This seems like a not very apt time to point out that I've been crying a lot lately. Probably the reason I'm falling behind on my commentaries again. I almost started crying in Starbucks yesterday morning which would have been really embarrassing because the staff seems to be the kind of people that would have pointed at me and laughed. Maybe one would have even come out from behind the espresso maker and kicked me in the groin for good measure. I probably still would have tipped them.

It's not like I've been avoiding doing commentaries because I think my laptop will short out from all the snot dripping down my face. It's just that I've been playing a lot of Magic the Gathering on the Xbox because it keeps my mind off of my stupid dead cat and his stupid dumb dying like a dumb dumb. That was four months ago anyway, so fuck him! I should go dig him up and spit on him! Will that make me feel better?!

If anybody wants to challenge me to a game of Xbox One Magic the Gathering, send me a friend request which I swear I probably won't totally ignore. My Xbox Live name is The Red Lizard.

You know what feature I miss in these Supergirl commentaries? That part where I ended with a picture of her bum! I'm going to start doing that again because she has the cutest bum in The New 52 (way better than Grayson's. I'll fight anybody that thinks different). I stopped doing it because Supergirl had a string of issues without a good bum shot. But Goddamn it, I'm going to make sure it happens from here on out!

Currently, Supergirl and her friends found themselves on a mission for their school, The Crucible. It turns out the mission was to recover Superboy. Kara isn't quite sure she likes the sound of that. But Maxima, not being a super villain at all yet, assures Kara that the Preceptor of the academy would never send them on an horrible, evil, despicable mission.

Hmm. Maybe I should start a "Maxima's Breasts" feature too!

The Crucible isn't anything like it appears to be! Don't trust Maxima! Trust your adorable poochy little gut, Kara! Never fight for the institution! You've already seen that some of the students have rebelled against the school. Maybe you should investigate that! Figure out what that shit is all about.

Superboy decides to go along with Maxima because look at her breasts! I'd go too! It's impossible for a guy to come to a rational conclusion when breasts like that are in eyesight. It's a medical fact! I think it was proven in last May's Neurosurgeons and Asses Monthly. Don't scoff. It's a peer reviewed journal!

Supergirl remains behind to cradle Comet's head in her lap in much the same way that Swamp Thing once cradled Superman's head in his lap in DC Presents #85 by Moore and Veitch.

Back at The Crucible, Preceptor Amata talks to herself about her plans for the good of the academy and its students, so maybe I was wrong about the institution not being on the up and up. Why would she lie in a monologue to herself? It's the only time I'll believe a character! Plus, while she's going on and on about how she shouldn't have sent students into battle nor agreed to recovering the Kryptonian clone, she's attacked by the Vice-Preceptor and Roho. Oh no! The expelled students really are working for the bad guys! And the bad guys are the one guy, Vice-Preceptor Napoleon Complex!

Back on Earth, Supergirl decides to take Comet to the worst place on Earth: Mike-hole's apartment. Ugh! She's still hung up on that piece of shit?! Kara bangs on his front door after midnight and Mike's mom yells to keep it down from up the stairs where Mike-hole isn't allowed to go or else why wouldn't they get a ramp or an elevator? Kara decides to leave Comet in Mike-hole's bed while she goes back to The Crucible. Mike is all, "Sure, whatever! Please ignore my huge fucking boner that I can't cover up because I'm handicapped." And Supergirl is all, "Your arms work fine, Mike. I saw you undo your fly under the blanket." Then she opens up the portal and goes back to school leaving Comet in Mike-hole's bed.

I hope this is where Mike-hole discovers he's gay so he stops hitting on my Supergirl!

Kara heads back to The Crucible where she finds everybody locked in their rooms due to a new mandatory curfew. Vice-Preceptor Short Stuff instituted that policy pretty efficiently. This is a kind of college, right? What college student doesn't organize five dozen different protests when any thing they're used to changes at their school? What college student who is used to studying in the anti-grav lobby all night, getting cookie crumbs and diet milk all over the walls and ceiling just rolls over and agrees to a brand new curfew?! I suppose the laser wielding flying robot sentries are more efficient at instituting rules than human campus security guards.

Immediately upon her return (after a brief battle), Supergirl is captured by Roho and Vice-Preceptor Slughead. Instead of killing her like every other supervillain also wouldn't, the Vice-Preceptor decides to tell her his plans. You know, in much the same way every other supervillain would. His plan (as if anybody reading this doesn't already know)? Clone Superboy! And probably everybody else at the school. Because everybody knows that once you create a clone, the clone is no longer a sentient individual but a cheap, homemade imitation that can be used like a jerk off towel and thrown away when it's gotten too yellow and crusty. Even the good guys in Star Wars were all, "Clones have no rights! Fuck 'em! Nobody will even notice if one clone out of a thousand dies!" Although that one clone is all, "No, please! I want to live! I have a wife and family back home! I mean, the person I was cloned from does but they're in my memories as my wife and kids and that's like totally the same thing from my point of view! Also, I'm a fucking person, right? What the hell?! Just because I look like 999 other guys, it's okay to throw my life away?! Holy shit, where do I sign up for Stormtrooper school?!" And everybody standing around knew it would be too awkward to point out that the stormtroopers were just more clones just like him and the universe was involved in a huge bloodbath of pretty much brother against brother. Or self against self? Or something.

I really don't know my Star Wars canon and I've only seen each prequel once, so I probably got all of that wrong. But it feels right and doing and saying what feels right is life here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea territory! This is the safest place to have feelings! Unless those feelings are negative and directed at me and then you can just fuck off!

Supergirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is my favorite comic book. It might be because I'm in love with Supergirl and I'm reading it with gigantic heart-shaped eyeballs. Although they really should get rid of that awful Mike character. Why would Supergirl be into a psychopathic pedophile dog rapist? I don't have any proof that he's any of those things but I can tell he's probably most of those. He's a dick.

New Guardians #39

Aside from the Green Lantern: New Guardians header, this looks like an exciting comic book!

How many assholes are rooting for Oblivion to murder Kyle Rayner? I'm sure I'm not the only person with both hands up and excitedly shouting, "Ooh! Me! Me!" You know what would be a nice ending? If Carol finds that Oblivion just stocked her refrigerator with fresh cold cuts.

Hmm, speaking of fresh cold cuts....

I, too, usually forget about my leftovers and they wind up going bad.

Kyle Rayner is having a nightmare about making out with his ex-girlfriend's reanimated corpse. At first it seemed kind of hot because she was wearing a loose skirt with no underwear and a belly shirt which exposed her belly button which was way too far down her belly for some rare medical reason. But then she started to rot in his grasp and things got decidedly less sexy from there on out.

It turns out Kyle wasn't kissing his dead girlfriend at all. He was kissing Oblivion, his evil doppelganger. Although he exists solely to destroy Kyle Rayner, so how evil can he truly be? Even Kyle, subconsciously, knows the DC Universe would be better off if he were dead. He really should hang out with John Stewart more often. That should substantially lower his chances of survival.

Kyle resists Oblivion because he just doesn't know what's best for fans of the DC Universe. Stop acting so selfishly, Kyle Rayner, and just let go! Like the poet said, "...go gentle into that good night." Your time is done, Kyle. You were simply a band-aid to cover the festering wound left by DC's decision to make Hal Jordan go insane. But since Hal Jordan is back and doing an adequate job, your role has become redundant. DC Comics is going to have to let you go. Plus, who needs a White Lantern anymore? Especially one that's a comic book artist who can rewrite the universe. I think somebody with some basic science and math skills might be better at the job. One wrong line of universal code and the whole thing will crash.

While Kyle battles Oblivion in his mind, Carol battles Oblivenom on the planet's surface. She's joined by Saysoran, the last living native of this planet.

And a bombshell! If Saysoran's boobs don't flop out of that dress during her laser battle with the all-powerful evil doppelganger of a cosmic crime-fighter, I'm going to find this comic book totally unbelievable.

Oblivion mentions that Saysoran will be the next White Lantern. That makes sense. I was wondering why her breasts were so huge and why she was so scantily clad. But if she's going to be a superheroine, it's good that she's already got the wardrobe for it.

Kyle sends the women away while he battles Oblivion. Not because he thinks they're not strong enough to help defeat Oblivion but because he's not strong enough to defeat Oblivion and he's embarrassed that two attractive women might see him die. A lot of punches are thrown as Kyle says, "I'll stop you!" Then Oblivion says, "You can't stop me!" Then Kyle says, "Oh yeah!" And Oblivion says, "Yeah!"

Once again, the ultimate message is power corrupts.

This is one of the problems with equating super heroes with cosmic police forces. Once you move from simply helping people in need to enforcing laws for the good of the people, you begin to think that you're the only one that knows what's best for everybody else. Removing people's free will for their own safety is usually a mistake. It winds up with you growing a beard, letting your hair go uncut, and finally ending up sitting upon a throne doing your best King Conan impersonation. For the most part, intellectually, I'm sick of these stories about good heroes who become "too good" and wind up being fascist dictators keeping people safe from their own freedom. But when you see how corrupt America's police force is, well, fuck it. I guess these kinds of stories are actually relevant.

Except they're fictional stories about super heroes who are above human fallibility! At least they used to be. Now the only way for a super hero to be interesting is if he or she exists in a gray area where anything goes. I think Superman and Captain America were just too successful at being good. Readers decided that "good" now meant "boring." Minor characters like The Punisher and Rorschach who were meant to be critiques about good guys going too far became fan favorites. Going too far became the norm while doing the right thing no matter what became passé. I just wish more characters fought crime adorably. I can't wait until Maps Mizoguchi becomes a full-fledged super hero.

Oblivion tries to make Kyle Rayner not exist but he's saved by the cavalry.

Is that sexist? Calling Carol the cavalry?

Why is Exeter helping out? I suppose he needed a new job after Kyle freed Relic. I hope Exeter doesn't die next issue! He may have been the best character to come out of this comic book!

New Guardians #39 Rating: No change. Do you think Saint Walker ever gets tired of screaming out some trite line about hope whenever he appears? Do you think he tells his shrink, "You know, there's more to me than hope. This is just my career. I have hobbies, interests, loves. Why doesn't anybody ever ask me about those? No. It's always, 'Saint Walker! I hope you can super charge my ring!' Or they'll call me on the phone and be all, 'I hope I didn't disturb you. *titter*' You know the only person who has even asked me about my cranial sex organ was one of Hal Jordan's nephews! I wish that magic sock puppet maker had never even stitched me together and brought me to life by shooting a load of his semen into my elastic orifice!"

Trinity of Sin #5

Is this what it's like, as a woman, to sit between two men on the New York subway?

I don't have to admit but I'm going to anyway, thinking about getting a glimpse at the other side of that cube is kind of turning me on.

The Trinity of Sin have gotten themselves trapped inside the Cube of Redemption which has no AC and no rent control. Also, the individual units are crucifixes. And the landlord is a gigantic cosmic duck. All in all, it's more accommodating than any truly affordable apartment in San Francisco.

This issue is narrated by The Question, so be prepared to read the phrase "Who am I?" two or three dozen times. Apparently he doesn't have to phrase every single thought in the form of a question even though that's the way the words come out of his mouth when he speaks. Could The Question be Alex Trebek? No, that's ridiculous. I've never seen The Question correct anybody's pronunciation of French.

The Question goes on and on and on (much like The Phantom Stranger before him!) describing his ordeal while hanging on the cross. Glass vultures attack them which is probably symbolic of something my ignorance keeps me from noting. Then they're attacked by glass turtles and lizards and scorpions and snakes. Crawling beasts of the earth. Once again, der! Duh! Why don't I know about more things?! It's probably Biblical! Didn't Joseph once brag to his brothers that he had a dream in which he had a huge, erect cock and all of his brothers had tiny limp cocks? And Joseph shot hundreds of gallons of his seed into grain silos or something? While hot, naked Egyptian women danced around him seven at a time? Does that have anything to do with glass vultures and glass turtles?

The Question decides that since he's narrating this thing, he'd better be the one to break free from the crucifix and help the others. It would be a little bit embarrassing if he had to narrate watching helplessly as Pandora or The Phantom Stranger broke free as he whined and moaned.

The Question is unable to help the other two sinners, so he decides to run across the desert instead where he runs into a bunch of annoying, naked philosophers.

I swear to you that I did not photoshop all of those "Who am I?" questions just to make my earlier prediction of seeing that question asked two to three dozen times come true. Probably.

The Question recognizes these naked philosophers as aspects of himself from the past so he drives them all away at the point of his Spear of Destiny. That probably would be annoying, being accosted by past versions of yourself. I don't even think I'd be able to stand me from just three days ago. Ugh. What a disappointment!

An angel appears and begins lying to The Question. "All men have souls! All men can be redeemed!" Who is this fucker? The newest coach on The Biggest Loser? The angel's name is The Caretaker, so maybe he is! Or she is! I think angels are sexless because the last thing God wants to keep him up all night are thousands of angels banging the crap out of each other.

Here's the scene where they meet:

Caretaker: "Ques! Ques! Can I call you Ques?"
Question: "Who am I?"
Caretaker: "Who you are is not as important as what you do! You are your actions! I mean, you are what you think of the person that is capable of acting in the way in which you acted! You are not your past because who wants to remember that time you touched your dog's wiener? You are not your past because you might never touch your dog's wiener again! You are who you are now! Right now! In this moment! Hey, Ques, are you listening to me?"
Question: "Sorry! I was just over here touching this dog's wiener."

Oh, I forgot the most important part of their exchange! The Caretaker tells The Question that this comic book is called "The Trinity of Sin" and not "The Question" so get the fuck back to his friends and help them. He finds them still on the their crosses engaged in a riotous pity party.

And from that day forward, The Question knew that not knowing was the greatest knowledge of all!

The Question stabs his cohorts in the heart with his Spear of Destiny which rescues them because philosophy. They then find themselves in a garden where they're welcome to stay as long as they want. Which would be fantastic if not for that whole "leaving Earth to rot at the winds of Quackers" thing. So they choose to go back to Dark Earth and kick some duck ass.

Trinity of Sin #5 Rating: No change. I hope this series ends with The Question figuring out who he is so that he's able to move on. And then he'll leave his hat somewhere for Renee Montoya to find. The Phantom Stranger should find that he was set up and was never Judas at all because duh! Just look at his skin color! Pandora should just join the Justice League where every day, Batman can make some condescending remark about her guns. Mostly, I just hope DC drops this whole fascination with this Trinity of Sin bit that has never really been very interesting and just keeps getting more boring the more they write about it.

World's End #20

Mister T-Bag!

Do you think this series will have a big twist ending where Earth-2 actually survives?! The world that ends will be Apokolips and Darkseid will be all, "Wh-wh-wh-what?!" Then Etrigan will cut his head off and keep it by his side for the next thousand years.

Down in the bowels of the Earth, Queen Lantern learns the Green wasn't being entirely truthful about the world ending if Deathspawn made it to the center of the Earth. Yeah, no shit. Somebody has mentioned the world finally ending about sixty times so far and it's still fucking chugging along. Anyway, Green actually might be able to help heal the non-Blue members of Parliament and then maybe they'll come up with a new plan while Alan Scott heads back to Russia to help the Avatars.

So once again, the Avatars are tasked with saving the world even though they have failed every time so far. And by "every time," I mean the one long protracted battle between the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. And by "battle," I mean stalemate. The Horsewomen were only defeated when the Wonders came by to help out. I think the Avatars might actually be useless.

Meanwhile The Huntress and Replacement Batman fiddle around with a busted old computer while a wave of molten metal washes down on top of them.

I'm not so sure about that, Helena. I think Power Girl just paid other people to steal Michael Holt's technology!

Not every superhero needs to be a genius of some kind, guys! You don't have to make Kara into something she's not! It's okay if Kara's strengths are running a business and leading people. You don't have to suddenly make her into a gadget whiz kid too! It would be just fine to have Huntress acknowledge that people forget Kara built up and owned one of the most powerful technology research labs on Earth-Main-Earth. That's impressive enough, you know.

The Huntress gets the information she needs and she and her grandfather escape with just seconds to spare! Probably not even seconds! Probably just one second!

They live to discover Green Arrow hiding out on a deep sea drilling rig that can "transform" into a robot. I bet his name is Jellyfish. Or Texas Tea. I was never much of a Transformers viewer. Were any of the robots in disguise female? If not, was their an explanation for it? Did the females transform into...no, no, no, no. Nothing good can come from me completing that sentence!

Meanwhile Dick continues to lie to himself about how he completely fucked up back in Chicago when the tidal wave was bearing down on everybody.

No, Grayson. You chose to split with your son for poorly plotted reasons! But I guess it was worth it because now we have this boring side plot where Dick mentions once per issue how he needs to find his kid. Also, once per issue, he doesn't mention his dead wife Barbara.

Some people might argue with my use of "once per issue" in that last caption about how often Dick doesn't mention Babs. Well fuck you. What am I? A math professor?

Finally Dick and Ted catch up to Obsidian and Jonni Thunder who were there when Dick gave his kid away for no good reason. They inform him that Brainwave has his son now because Brainwave is mind controlling hundreds of survivors. Why? I don't know yet but I'm sure the explanation will be just as logical as the explanation for every other plot point in this comic book.

*Me, whispering*: That means it will be lousy!

Meanwhile in space, Mister Miracle, Fury, Mister Terrific, and The Sandman realize they don't know how to drive the Multidimensional escape ship Jimmy Olsen discovered. Good thing the owner is still on board to help them. Maybe!

Why is he Mister Eight again? Or is that just a Dig Dug emoticon on his chest?

Finally, Alan Scott absorbs all of the other Avatars and sucks up all the Parliament's power. Now instead of ten useless, mediocre characters, there's just Alan Scott, Green Lantern!

World's End #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. As long as I just keep typing and reading and typing and reading and not thinking about anything, I can mostly stand this comic book. The characters are all just paper dolls without any personality though. I don't think it really matters who speaks which lines. And I get the feeling that nobody is really doing anything important. They're all just fiddling their diddles waiting for the world to end (which it can't do soon enough).