Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

Twat Lobo #1

Should I take a sharpie and add "Twat" to all of the Lobo covers?

When a comic book company is launching a new title, you assume they have plenty of time to come up with the perfect font for the title. Something that encapsulates the identity of the title character emblazoned across the front of their comic! Something that screams, "Do you love Lobo? Well then you'll love Lobo!" Or something. This title just looks like the graphic designer couldn't be bothered to put any time into it because she was headed off to lunch. It looks like a kindergartner wrote it and did that thing where they didn't realize they were going to run out of room so they had to make the letters progressively smaller. I'm surprised that last "O" isn't sideways down the right side of the cover. It also could have been designed by a junior high school boy on his Pee Chee folder in the middle of Algebra, adding hooks to make it look more metal. So in conclusion, I think this font design fits Twat Lobo perfectly well. It's all style with no substance. It's a logo that says, "Sorry. Not Sorry."

This might be the only time I'll ever say this but here it goes: "I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book." Cullen Bunn's Sinestro has been a huge snoozefest so far. And even if this is Twat Lobo whom I hate with the hatred of eleven Biblical sons (who would later have to eat tons and tons of crow and probably even learn how to speak Egyptian) towards the twelfth, I still want this book to be entertaining. Maybe Cullen Bunn has the chops to pull it off. I don't know having only read his Sinestro comic book which, I think it bears repeating, is a huge snoozefest. If this were written by Ann Nocenti, at least I'd be entertained by how horribly written it was! Plus I hate Twat Lobo, so I would receive ample amounts of amusement from his being written poorly.

This first page loses a little something when you know Twat Lobo is talking to the decapitated head of Lobo™ due to DC Comics' earlier advertisements for the series.

So Cullen Bunn decides to dispense with the big battle between Twat Lobo and Lobo™ because...I don't know the because of that. Because too many people were looking forward to it? Because he didn't have a clever way of letting Twat Lobo beat the Lobo™ that everybody knows should win the fight? Because it's old history that has nothing to do with his run as a writer of Twat Lobo, so why give it any time? Because doing it this way makes Twat Lobo look like more of a bad-ass because he easily defeated Lobo™ in the negative space between comic books? I guess I don't really care since I hate the whole idea of Twat Lobo anyway.

I suppose Bunn will need to explain all of this eventually (and probably right here very soon in the first issue! To, you know, get it out of the way and all). My guess is that Czarnians have some ability to grow a whole new self from just a piece of their original selves (but probably not a whole new person from every drop of blood like in the Preboot days) and Lobo™ probably grew from Twat Lobo's detached penis or testicles which is why he's such a raging ball of testosterone. Then Lobo™ did all the stuff that we know Lobo™ did, like destroy all the Czarnians and befriend space dolphins and travel around the galaxy on a space hog with his dog and a few scattered penguins. Unless the Czarnians aren't all dead like Hawkman and Liefeld and some other comics would have us believe.

A scene from Titanic. I mean, Twat Lobo's boring origin.

Twat Lobo's dream or remembrance or whatever it is changes from Titanic to Day of the Dead as all the Czarnians melt into zombie plague monsters. Then he wakes up because you can't have all the mysteries solved in the first issue!

Twat Lobo makes a scared face proving he's not the real Lobo™.

After Twat Lobo shits himself from scary dreams, he gets paid a visit from Rhialla, the alien who supplies him with his kill contracts. This time she has an old standby plot ready to get him on his way! It's the old "Thirteen Ghosts of Scooby-Doo Special." Except replace "thirteen" with "eight" and "ghosts" with "assassins." Twat Lobo must kill eight of the universe's most deadly assassins before they can kill one target on Earth that they're all hunting. Rhialla pretends she doesn't know the target and that it doesn't matter. I have a feeling it is going to matter! Maybe the target is Supergirl because Twat Lobo has a history with her.

For hating someplace so vehemently, Twat Lobo sure utilizes a lot of its cliche similes. And, um, a lot of its words!

Twat Lobo begins his hunt with Gus, a mottled blue pornstached Cyclops-glasses wearing tentacle guy. I suppose the next few pages will be filled with lots of gore and "Sorry. Not Sorries."

I think that's a circumcision threat.

Twat Lobo kills a bunch of goons but then tries to surprise everybody by pointing out how he doesn't kill dogs. He also Narration Boxes a bunch of nonsense that reminds me that Sinestro is a huge snoozefest. Finally, he kills Gus and says his catchphrase which I've been waiting on the edge of pins and needles to hear! "Sorry. Not Sorry." So clever!

Remember, kids! If you ever want to make a list of human beings that suck at being human beings, just check the Twitter hashtag "sorrynotsorry". Every name that comes up is a worthless waste of oxygen sucking carbon.

The target is Florida? That's understandable.

I suppose Earth is the actual target so that must mean the Vogons have put up the money for the contract.

Twat Lobo #1 Rating: So far, it's gripped me as well as Sinestro gripped me. So if you want to read a comic book that you'll forget all about as soon as you put it down and were probably thinking about what you were going to do after reading the comic instead of actually paying attention to the comic while reading it, you should read Twat Lobo! Or Sinestro. Whatever.

Gotham Academy #1

Why couldn't this be a lenticular cover so I could see their underwear from an obtuse angle?

I think Gotham Academy needs a jaunty, tween theme song to get us all in a Degrassi Junior High-like frenzy of super drama and teen hormones! The underwear shot would have done that but it's only available on the Pervy Adult Variant Cover, so the rest of us will have to make due with this great theme song! Sing it with me, okay! It's sung to the tune of whatever song is currently stuck in your head!

Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Climbing up ropes and solving mysteries!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! They wear underwear under their skirts!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Gonna kiss a boy or a girl or whatever!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! Batman? Batman? Batman can suck it!
Gotham Academy! Gotham Academy! GO GO GOTHAM ACADEMY! Teen titans!

That was a short theme song because I decided not to bother with any more of it because I'm not getting royalties.

In their plaid skirts they climb up ropes! GOTHAM ACADEMY!
Always stumbling around in school aged tropes! GOTHAM ACADEMY!
When there's studying, they're playing Wii!
Still pass their tests because they're smarties!
Ditching nerdy hall monitors on patrol!
Gotham Academy Go!

That was a bonus theme song because it demanded to be sung.

Hopefully the Narrator is Olive because then I'm already crushing hard on Olive. If it's not, I'm in love with the Narrator.

Whoever heard of walls being built with stones older than the walls themselves?! Ridiculous!

The Narrator already has me feeling like I'm in an overly dramatized environment ready to totally freak out over the smallest problems that hardly matter at all! So just like Scott Snyder's Batman!

Here we see the main character, Olive Silverlock, being explicitly told by Headmaster Hammer to take her boyfriend's younger sister, Maps Mizoguchi, into the most dangerous and mysterious and secretiest building on campus. It's also possible this is her ex-boyfriend's younger sister!

Karl Kerschl's art is gorgeous and still makes me feel like I'm reading a Macross comic book.

Let's take a moment to study the character's names! Headmaster Hammer is called Hammer Head by the children of Gotham Academy. That must mean he's seen as thick-headed and unreasonable, and a tough father figure making sure that all the nails get pounded in so they're ready to maintain the structure of civilization. Olive Silverlock has silver locks. Plus everybody loves her and/or she's very kind, thus "All Love." Also she probably has a gross, icky pimento-like substance deep in her soul that takes time to become fond of. Maps Mizoguchi must be named for her ability to find her way around things. I'm sure Maps is just a nickname because she always knows how to find a Taco Bell. Seeing how she acts here, my guess is the name Mizoguchi might be more for her brother's sake. It might suggest he's overly fond of ceremony and tradition, or that he is a poet and lover of beauty. His sister just seems like she might be an adventurous little troublemaker whose curiosity is going to get them all in hot water and teenaged drama!

Next, the two intrepid cuckoos go on a Family Circus style adventure across campus as Olive, the Narrator (yay!), thinks about how she's trying to break up with Kyle. She's also thinking what every other teenager on campus is thinking: "Nobody understands me!" Although in her case, it might be closer to the truth because she is the main character and the story is going to focus on her and she probably has some pretty strange ties to The Batman!

On their way to classes (I guess the tour starts later when they have more time to find themselves in the Haunted North Hall of Madness), Olive runs into her Fremesis, Pomeline Fritch!

I don't know why her name is Pomeline Fritch. Because it sounds unlikeable?

Here we meet Pomeline, the truly most misunderstood person on campus! Probably. I'm sure she acts out because she's afraid to let anybody close to her because she's afraid they won't like who she really is. So she never writes comic book commentaries in her true voice because people might criticize that voice and then her feelings would be hurt. So instead, she acts mean and tough and overly criticizes everything she reads as the only means of armor she has to protect herself in a society that scares the crap out of her because she knows she would never be accepted by anybody that actually fits into it.

Or at least that's the feeling I get from the two panels she's in so far (three if you count the back of her head in the Family Circus Dotted Line Runabout!

In Macpheson's history class, we meet a couple of other future main characters!

The girl flipping the bird is my new favorite! Olive can suck it now!

Olive continues to feel differently from any other teenager that ever existed in that she doesn't feel like she fits in. Hey, guess what teenagers?! That feeling never goes away! Ha ha ha! That whole "It gets better" campaign?! It doesn't actually get better! You just become more cynical and calloused and less impervious to assholes that feel worse than you do so they try to make you feel worse than that! That's what we call "civilization"! Everybody just moping about wondering why they don't actually fit in. Some try their dangdest to fit in and put on a happy smile and go about working their forty hour job and kissing their spouse and patting their children on the heads at the appropriate times while shaking their heads in disappointment at other appropriate times. But deep inside, they still just want to crawl under the house and hug their tear-soaked teddy bear close to their heart.

Olive seems to be trying to adjust to herself, seeking the woman she's becoming and how things changed last summer when...well, I don't know yet. Something about her mom. She's trying to separate herself from the people who know her best (Kyle and Maps) so it's easier to transform into a new Olive. But she doesn't like the things she sees in her new self, and so she reaches out to Maps who, it seems, knows her best. And that's how they wind up exploring the Haunted North Hall of Madness which Hammer Head told them to visit earlier by saying, "Don't you dare visit that place, young ladies!"

Maps also may or may not be into LARPing.

A "Welcome Back to Gotham Academy" assembly is taking place later where Bruce Wayne will be speaking. Olive has a Wayne Foundation Scholarship but that doesn't mean she feels like she needs to hear stuffy old Bruce Wayne speak. Hunting ghosts is a far more efficient use of her adolescent time. That statement seems so obvious I'm not sure I should have even typed it! Who wouldn't want to hunt ghosts over hearing some stupid billionaire gentrificationist blah blah blah for a way too high percentage of your lifetime?

Oh my crap! G-g-g-g-ghosts!

The girls climb up to the top of the belfry, ignoring all of the boarded up entrances and crumbling architecture. This school seems really unsafe! Forget the Haunted North Hall of Madness! Why are the students engaged in an assembly directly beneath this crumbling bell tower?! At the top of the bell tower, Olive and Maps see the Batsignal high over downtown Gotham. Too bad Bruce Wayne is downstairs giving a talk to the students! I guess Jim Gordon is going to have to save the day like regular cops in regular cities all over the world: by finding some patsy and pretending the crime has been solved so that the public still feels safe to go about their capitalism.

Part of the Bell Tower balcony collapses and Maps falls over the edge, leaving her hanging from a gargoyle. Unless it's a grotesque. Olive has to save the day by swinging down on the belfry's rope, causing a lot of bonging and disturbing all the bats, including the man that is a bat! Was that poetic? No? Okay, fine! Whatever.

I guess if Martha and Thomas Wayne's commitment to Gotham Academy meant ignoring maintenance for years and years, kudos, Bruce!

Bruce recognizes Olive and, later, Olive freaks out when she thinks Batman is coming for her too. So is her mother in Arkham? Is that why Olive got a Wayne Foundation Scholarship because Bruce felt he needed to help her out while her mom, um, decompresses? Is her mother a super villain?! Oh! I have more questions too! Who is Mr. Trent and why was he speaking at the Welcome Back Assembly? He starred in House of Secrets (the best house, by the way) with Basil Karlo! Does Mr. Trent work at the school and is it a name I should recognize from the five hundred New 52 stories already done on Clayface? Why is there an eye in Olive's dorm room? And why is Olive's dorm room filled with cracks and holes? I don't think Bruce is committed to this place at all! Throw some money at it, asshole!

Gotham Academy #1 Rating: This book is the kind of fun comic book I've been telling DC Comics they need to invest in. But they never listen to me because I usually call Dan Didio a douchebag or Geoff Johns a gopher hole fucker or Jim Lee a guy that scribbles on everything he draws. Maybe I should try to be more like honey than vinegar! Anyway, this book will take over the empty slot at #7 because how can it not? It's cute and whimsical and filled with g-g-g-g-ghosts and Degrassi Junior High School Drama! That's like my favorite thing!

Batman Eternal #26

Oh Red Hood! Batman has had more influence on you than all of the other Bat-children. The only reason you wield two guns is to show how rebellious you are!

For some reason, the Bat Family cares about Batman again! Why? I don't know! Slumber parties at Wayne Manor? You know the kind! The ones where boys and girls mix but they're not quite old enough to want to engage in any kind of sexual behaviour but they still like to lie close to each other, both pretending to sleep, until maybe somebody's arm touches somebody else's leg and they lie there for five hours feeling like their crotches are going to explode! I'm specifically talking about Dick and Babs, of course. Tim Drake was pretending he knew Bruce Wayne was Batman all along and Jason Todd was probably passed out from breaking into the liquor cabinet. Unless these slumber parties took place after Jason Todd was murdered. Those slumber parties were filled with games of "Pin the Crowbar on the Robin" and "Light as a Feather, Stiff as Jason Todd."

Actually, this issue begins with the Bat Family not caring about Batman as much as I thought! They've once again bonded over the need to know what Batman is hiding from them. Once before, they told Bruce "no secrets" and he agreed even though there was that one secret about Dick not being dead but you can't count that one since it was a secret before the "no secret" agreement. But now Red Robin thinks he can waltz into the Batcave at any moment and declare "No secretsies!" and Bruce has to come clean.

Scott Lobdell would probably rewrite this with a ton of Tim Drake Narration Boxes where he thinks, "Now's the part where Bruce tells us all that Hush is behind it. Does he think we're stupid?"

There was a time when I would read a Batman story and I would think every villain he encountered was a challenge. But that was before every villain he encountered was hellbent on breaking Batman. Now every time some villain comes along that's rocking Bruce's world, I just think, "Really? Hush? Why is he so scary?" Or "The Riddler? A guy that tells stupid jokes?" Or "How does The Joker pull off such intricate plans? He's a nutjob!" I think the main thing the Reboot got wrong was that it didn't deescalate the threats to the heroes! Every fucking thing they face is practically the end of the world, if not the omniverse itself!

Also, I can't remember reading any major stories with Hush so he doesn't feel like much of a threat. He just feels like a kid throwing a huge tantrum.

Thanks for asking the only questions that matter, Penny-Two! Especially since I'm incapable of being constructive. I'm better at the other one. The opposite of constructive!

Now is when Bruce tells Julia that Hush is some asshole named Tommy that, strangely enough, led a life that closely mirrored Bruce's. But Tommy turned into a huge dick while Bruce Wayne turned into an obsessive, emotionally closed off asshole who is also a vigilante.

Bruce tells the story of his friendship with Tommy at a young age and it turns out Tommy's life only mirrored Bruce's because Tommy forced his life to mirror Bruce's. Basically it was a tantrum because Bruce's family was important and worth a lot of money and Tommy's family was a disgrace and broke which made Tommy want what Bruce had especially since Bruce didn't seem to want it. Or Tommy just wanted a neat butler with a cool accent that made delicious waffles.

Watch the "Master Bruce" shit, Penny-Two! You're in public and he's in costume!

Jesus Christ. The fact that Lex Luthor is the only person to figure out that Bruce Wayne is The Batman says less about how smart Lex is and more about how fucking stupid the rest of the DC Universe is. Except re-imagined Secret Origins' Tim Drake, of course! That story was a close save, returning Tim Drake to the Preboot genius he was always meant to be!

I'm not a fan of the art in this issue. The bandages stuck all over Bruce Wayne just look like slugs crawling all over his skin. And Bruce himself looks like an over the hill boxer. And The Joker's Daughter on the last page looks like a Garbage Pail Kid. And Alfred, having been transferred to Arkham Asylum to wait on Maxie Zeus, looks like an overweight business man that just woke up after a weekend bender that turned into a thirty-six hour long lemon party.

Batman Eternal #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. Didn't Scott Snyder already write this story except with The Joker playing all the parts? A villain that knows Batman's secrets. Alfred drugged and kidnapped. The Bat-Family worried that Batman has lost control of the city and probably gave away all of their secrets. Oh, sure! A lot more is happening in this than in Death in the Family but I can't help but notice, just under the surface, it's the same fucking story. Maybe I'm just being overly critical right now! It's not like The Ten-Eyed Man made an appearance in Death of the Family! Also, we're twenty-six issues in and not one appearance of Bat-Cow or Titus! Well, maybe Titus. I can't remember. But I don't think so! And definitely no Alfred the Cat!

Futures End #22

Captain Broccoli Head?

Finally! Captain Broccoli Head returns from limbo! I was so pissed that he was benched in The New 52! But now it looks like he's back! And he's steamed! Ouch! I think I just dislocated my pun bone! Also now I'm hungry.

Last issue of Futures End was a complete waste of time unless you're especially into that part of murder mysteries where the detective spends a full chapter repeating all of the clues that she's found during the rest of the book but in a linear, didactic, and patronizing manner so that the stupid cops can catch up and get with the program. I'm actually fond of that part of the book but not because I've been wondering how the detective knew what she knew. I just like seeing extra smart people treat averagely smart people like they're barely competent.

Here's how I think the new Superman Loves Batman movie should open. Superman, Batman, Aquaman, and Wonder Woman will be eating cheeseburgers in a small seaside town when Superman will cock his head and say, "There's trouble in Nebraska!" Aquaman will hang his head and say, "Go on without me. I'll get the bill. Again." Then the others will fly to Nebraska in Wonder Woman's invisible jet where they'll find Blockbuster rampaging across a small farming community for evil and, probably, Republican reasons. They'll land and quickly exit to stand in a pose that would make a great movie poster before Superman flies off and hits Blockbuster with a silo. Batman will say, "No grain, no pain!" while Wonder Woman shifts uncomfortably as she tries to make sure the camera can see both her boobs and her ass at the same time.

I've probably nailed the opening so that when the movie comes out, y'all are just going to think I had access to an advance copy of the script. I assure you I did not and my spot on prediction of the opening scene is simply due to my status as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

This is where I make a stupid segue back to Futures End but since it will be pained, I'll just skip it and get on with the comic book.

Actually, Jason Rusch, it's not a tough issue at all! Stop blaming the Twofers for your problem! It's not their fault that they had lousier superheroes than New 52 Earth who couldn't manage to stop Darkseid!

Lois Lane has posted on her blog about how Superman is a sham...a Shazam sham! Jason Rusch's professor, Doctor Yamazake, has what I expect is supposed to be the typical New 52 Earther reaction. He believes this shows the Justice League has no respect for the people they're supposedly protecting. I think the real reaction would be people reading it and saying, "Hmm, yeah. That makes sense. Why else would Superman have suddenly begun wearing the mask unless it was because he still had those Doomsday bone growths sprouting out from his face." I think the revelation that Superman is Shazam is more comforting than finding out Superman still has a high percentage of Doomsday Herpes running through his veins.

Regular people aren't responsible enough to utilize transporter technology safely! Just imagine all of the Brundleflies that would be roaming the streets!

I think this entire transporter business is simply building up to Jason Rusch and Ronnie Raymond finally merging completely as one happy couple.

On the next page, Lois Lane uses the "sham" word to describe the Shazam/Superman story. Too bad she didn't use that as her headline. Or better yet, her headline should have been, "You Won't Believe What Happens To This Twelve Year Old Boy When He Says His Magic Word!" I know Billy Batson isn't twelve anymore but I can't bring myself to think of him as a grown man. It's less pleasant having a grown man that turns into another grown man. Where's the thematic issues there? Where's the fantasy?

Meanwhile at The Wounder Duck, a bunch of lame ducks are hanging out together being lame. Was that a good line? I think I'm at my best right now! Also, those lame ducks are Ronnie Raymond (lame duck because he can't be Firestorm alone), Billy Batson (lame duck because Lois Lane castrated him on the most popular blog to ever exist), and Red Robin (lame duck because he was written by Scott Lobdell for three years). If this were fan fiction, that bar rag would soon be a cum rag. Was that a good line? Am I back on top yet?! What if I made another lame duck joke?

Speaking of lame ducks and jokes, Justin is currently hiding out in a motel room waiting for Voodoo and her Deadly Friends (that's their version of the Super Friends. They thought about being called the "Deadly Vixens" but decided that was fucking sexist bullshit) to get back from being deadly and/or stripping. Justin, if you don't remember (and I'm sure you don't) is Cole Cash's Dungeons and Dragons playing nerd friend. He might be my favorite character in Futures End.

He may also be the future Oracle because the previous Oracle had too many vaginas.

Voodoo's team is actually codenamed "OPS". That's the worst codename ever. OOPS would have been better. I'm not even going to guess what "OPS" stands for because all of my guesses would be sexist and demeaning. Although I will admit, it's less being sexist that would cause my guesses to be sexist and mostly just being immature. Because if this were an all guy team and they were called "OPS," I'd probably suppose the "P" stood for penis. Maybe it does here as well! "Official Penis Suckers?" Dammit! See? I knew making a guess at the acronym would cause me to put my penis in my mouth!

I wonder if anybody has ever marketed a product called Freudian Slippers? One slipper would look like a cigar and the other one would look like a keyhole. Or one slipper would look like a train and the other one would look like a tunnel. Or one slipper would look like a rocket and the other one would look like a vagina. Also, because our product line wouldn't want to be hetero bullies, we could sell cigars and trains together as well as orchids and keyholes.

Freudian slippers already exist (of course) except they're slippers that look like Freud. What a wasted opportunity. I'd better think up another Freudian themed product! How about a game show called Family Freud? "We surveyed 100 people. How many said they would fuck their mother?"

If I had Voodoo's power, I'd be able to shapeshift into almost four different people and/or animals! Depending on how we're going to define "intimate"!

The website that Justin has hacked into shows King Faraday is only the second to this strike team called "OPS." Their controller is Frank Rock! I guess he enjoyed leading black ops teams so much in the 2000 revival of the Suicide Squad that he decided to get back into it in The New 52.

Meanwhile, for those interested in the main plot involving Batman Beyond, A.L.F.R.E.D. tells Terry McBatman that Brother Eye's satellite is inoperable. But Brother Eye has moved to Cadmus Island where, as we've seen, he's taking control of everyone through the biomonitors placed inside all of the Twofers. And then for those interested in the budding relationship between Hawkman's Penis and Amethyst's Princess Vagina, the scene changes to "Somewhere in Deep Space" where Frank, Amy, and Katar finally meet Brainiac.

This is where I would normally scan the picture of their meeting but it's a double page splash and I hate scanning those. So just imagine a big green penis that kind of looks like Brainiac staring down at the new Stormwatch and telling them that they're on The Blood Moon. So apparently Brainiac gets his power from menstruation now? But before anything really interesting can happen, something interesting happens. Ray Palmer (in costume) and Black Adam appear to rescue the new Stormwatch team!

Futures End #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think I liked this issue better than subsequent issues. I think. Maybe. Anyway, I like Bangers and Mash because now I'm hungry again. I wonder if they'll battle Captain Broccoli Head next issue?

Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Batman Eternal #25

Does Batman ever have a battle with a super villain nowadays that doesn't destroy most of Gotham?

After each episode of Gotham (meaning a whole two times so far), when the show ends and the word "GOTHAM" shrinks down to fit the parameters of your television screen, do you also say, out loud, "Got Ham?" If you do, we're like total samesies!

What do you think was going on in Jason Fabok's head (I wanted to call it a stupid head for no reason except that I have an inherent dislike for all humanity) when he decided Hush needed a little cell phone pouch on the sleeve of each arm of his leather trench coat? I can't think of a worse design! I mean, I can think of a worse design since I have like the best imagination that totally allows me to think up stuff whenever I want to think up stuff. And not just dumb stuff like, well, you know, stuff that is dumb! But awesome stuff like stuff that is awesome! Like unihorns and painbows! And doughnut pancakes! Anyway, I bet Jason Fabok was thinking, "You know what I've never fucking thought in my entire life while out clubbing or razing a city? I've never thought, 'Boy, this trench coat would make connecting to friends, family, and international arms dealers much more convenient if it had little carrying cases for multiple cell phones right on the biceps! And being that hardly anybody is actually ambidextrous (although a lot of internet nerds will tell you they are even if, in reality, they can't even skip rope up to the point where Cinderella kisses the snake), trying to unsnap that case with their non-dominant hand would be really super funny to watch! Plus if somebody can only afford one phone, they can keep pills and condoms in the other one.' Yep, I've convinced myself. Pouches on the sleeves of the trench coat is far cooler than no pouches on the sleeves!" I'm sure that's exactly what Mr. Fabok was thinking.

I have no idea what the DC art editors were thinking by not saying, "That is the stupidest fucking thing we have ever seen since Rob Liefeld walked off the job." But I can imagine what I'd like to imagine they were thinking which was, "I sure wish Hush was female so we could slap some goldarned cleavage on this cover."

The issue begins with Vicki Vale showing more journalistic integrity than Lois Lane has all New 52.

I actually have no idea what "journalistic integrity" actually means. I just thought it sounded like a decent slam of Lois Lane who only cares about stories that will make her more and more popular.

Speaking of journalism because I haven't slammed it in quite some time now, guess what the big news story was yesterday? Unless it was the day before. Oh, time. Why must you be such a harsh mistress of non-stop buttplay? Um, anyway, the big news story was about a couple that gave a one hundred dollar tip to a waiter that was giving bad service because they understood and wanted to "pay it forward," whatever the fuck that means. That's a worse phrase than "journalistic integrity!"

Here's a tip, you lousy-at-your-jobs, fucked up, stupid-as-shit local broadcasters: just because some "thing" or "event" happens and it happens to be liked over a million times by fucking morons that think generosity is the grandest idea since Jesus decided not to fuck Magdalene, that does not make it a news story. That makes it some idiotic thing to pass the time awkwardly with a co-worker when you both wind up digging for change by the candy machine. "Oh, um, hey, uh, did you see that thing on Facebook where the shitty server got tipped money by a couple of people that think they're going to inspire the world with their excessive generosity and kindness?" "What? Stop talking to me. I'm getting Human Resources."

I hope you readers are enjoying this commentary so far because it's the last one you're going to see for a week! Denver, here I come! Also, Doom Bunny, here I come! Um, I mean, to visit.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks (oh fuck me. That phrase is even worse than any of the other phrases that have irked me so far! "Terror attack." Shut the fuck up, you stupid fucking morons! Why am I on this planet? Stop adding the word "terror" to everything! It doesn't mean anything! I mean, it does mean something but it does not mean the same something that the people saying it think it means. What "terror attack" means now, at this moment, in this specific time in our modern era, is "a violent act by brown people with a religion that doesn't follow Jesus." No, wait. I should correct myself instead of just letting myself ramble while spouting incorrect facts. That's what terror attack used to mean. So it was meant the way I defined it during the Bush years (nothing against Bush; just trying to get this all straight in time (although there is a lot to hate about Bush but this isn't anything derogatory towards him specifically)). It had a very specific meaning to propel this nation toward war and then to keep this nation accepting of the war. Now, newscasters generally just call any violent act an "act of terror" because they have forgotten how language works. They're more like parrots than thinking humanoids). Fuck. I'm going to start this paragraph over.

Let's get back to Jason Bard wanting to post this story about terror attacks. As we saw last issue, Cluemaster and Hush have a plan to ramp up the tension of all the citizens in Gotham. Ratcatcher spreading rat feces in local salad bars. Signalman speeding up the traffic signals so they now change at an accelerated rate, forcing all the cars to stop every one or two lights instead of driving steadily through all the traffic lights on one long street like they used to. And now Jason Bard is using the media to fear up the city.

Anybody still living in Gotham after the last six years gets what they deserve. Yeah, I'm victim blaming! Don't tell me you haven't thought the same exact thought from time to time! "Why do people still live in Gotham?" If that thought has ever crossed your mind--and if you've been a fan of Batman for any length of time, it has--then you're a victim blamer! Asshole.

Yeah! Think up a cool name! Like, um, Red Robin!

Red Robin gets thrown to the ground by Harper because they're still in that early part of the relationship where they're overtaken by public displays of training at the craziest of moments. But Red Robin can't have Harper get the better of him so he retaliates with...um...with one of the stupidest Bat-Gadgets I've seen since Batman tried to use the Bat-Lube on Robin in that episode of Challenge of the Super Friends that should probably never air ever again. The thing Robin uses is the straps on his chest medallion. They shoot off of him and wrap up Harper using, um...I don't know...probably magnetism. And they're probably made out of inertrite.

I wonder if the process which makes inertrite wings and inertrite straps and inertrite condoms causes microscopic particles of the stuff to wind up in the factory workers' lungs? I bet it probably does and I bet Bruce Wayne probably doesn't care because it would cost him too much money to stop developing the stuff. Which I don't think he actually develops much of anyway. Why don't we ever hear about anything being inertrite except Red Robin's wings or things in the future with the Legion of Super-heroes? Could it be I'm wrong and Bruce Wayne refuses to give people Inertrite Lung just to have indestructible toys? More probably, I just haven't read enough DC books in the last fifteen years to have encountered mentions of the stuff.

Meanwhile Penny-Two helps Batman figure out that Jason Bard let The Architect out of Blackgate. And by "helps," I mean does all of the work with the Batcomputer while Batman scowls and growls and pitches multiple fits about Penny-Two not doing things the correct, Alfred way.

Jason Todd and Tim Drake meet up in Alfred's hospital room to mention how The Joker's bullshit in Death of the Family killed the, you know, being that it's right there in the title, Bat-Family. Even though it didn't. I mean, you could tell that that was what it was supposed to do. At least the readers and most of the writers got the idea. But if your name was Scott Lobdell, you had no clue what was really going on and so you fucked it all up in the pages of Red Hood and the Outlaws #17 where you showed the whole family still getting along and seemingly trusting each other. Remember that? Right before Jason Todd put on his Joker trapped mask which made him lose his memories but then he didn't lose his memories at that time because it didn't work out for continuity's sake? That might have fooled the dumber readers who, for some reason, don't want to admit that Scott Lobdell is a horrible writer, so they continued to believe that James Tynion IV was the one that erased Todd's memory. That's what DC wants you to believe. But then why did The Joker's trap tell Jason Todd that he just got Tabula Rasa'd, hunh? Answer me that, dumb dumbs?

Anyway, Todd and Drake decide maybe it's time to act like brothers again because they're the only brothers they have now that Dick and Damian are dead. Supposedly dead. You know, currently, supposedly dead.

And his semen!

Please. Why would Barbara Gordon decide to start hooking up with a guy who is practically The Joker's sidekick? Oh, I know why! For the Degrassi Junior High drama that comic book fans love so much! Oooh! Oooh! Who likes whom? Who is fucking whom? Who? Whom? Whom? Who? Oooh! Oooh!

I think I just wrote a Cure song.

Over in Jason Bard's apartment, Batman has a conversation with a hologram of Hush because comic books.

I've been known to throw insane tantrums my whole life. I just threw one yesterday when my printer stopped doing the thing it's supposed to do (you know, printing!). But I've never decided to destroy an entire city because things didn't go my way. Hmm. Maybe next time!

Hush blows up Batman in Bard's apartment after getting photographic evidence of Batman entering the place to frame him for the explosion later. But Batman has experience being in the center of explosions, so he's okay. And that's when the Bat-Family finally comes together again (minus the dead ones). Batgirl, Red Robin, and Red Hood arrive at the scene to pick Bruce up and dust him off and then ask, "Who the fuck is Penny-Two? Are you still fucking telling people your and our secret identities, you cock bag?"

Batman Eternal #25 Rating: No change. Has it become common practice to refer to "identity theft" as "I.D. theft" or is that just another reason I can call my local newscasters fuckbongs? I thought maybe they were reporting on some junior high school kids having their I.D.s stolen when they put up that graphic. That had nothing to do with Batman Eternal because I don't review comic books, remember? I ramble and rant! I'm also headed to Denver in a few hours so that means this is the last commentary for about a week. Unless, for some silly reason, I decide to read Doomed #2 before going because it's the last non-Futures End book I have to read. The Futures End stuff I'll be wrapping up slowly in the coming month for the one or two of you that were actually interested in the resolution of the story of Goggles. Yes, it has an actual resolution. But I need time to write it so that I'm at least somewhat happy with it how it turned out. I don't have to be ecstatic about it though! It's basically just a first, very rough draft. Not that there will be any other drafts of it! But I do have other ideas for it that will mean real fucking writing work. You know the kind! The kind barely any writers ever get to because, well, look at this place! It's a mess! I should probably be cleaning and maybe exercising and then I need to relax and, of course, I've got the business to attend to and I like to occasionally engage in coitus and, well, eating! So much eating to do! I'm sure I can get some writing shoved in there somewhere, right?