Action Comics #33

This is an odd cover for the Doomed storyline. Did my comic book store give me a variant?

I just asked Lord Google what the actual cover of Action Comics #33 looked like and this wasn't it. I think I got a Chinese bootleg copy! I bet the interior will just be random pages from Rise of the Supermen comic books from the nineties!

Once again, the reader is updated on the story by Lois Lane who really sounds like she doesn't give a shit if Superman never comes back to Earth. That Brainiac virus she picked up is really turning her into a huge asshole. I can't wait until that story line finishes so Lois Lane can get back to being regular old Lois Lane. Maybe she'll accidentally pass through that floating, heavenly door in the sky and it will cure her of her psionic powers.

The people of Smallville are all still in comas because of Lois Lane and her assholedom I mentioned earlier. But never fear, nearly dead people of Smallville! Lana Lang, Electrical Engineer, has figured it all out! She's used her special Electro-whatsits to figure out that the brainwaves of the Smallvillains are being projected into space. And now she's going to use her Electrical Engineering Degree to fly a spaceship into deep space, follow the trajectory of the brain waves to their destination, and kick the ass of whatever is receiving the brain waves! Fucking Goddamn Shit! I wish I'd gone into Electrical Engineering!

Superman loves smashing anything made by the American military.

Lana Lang isn't flying into space alone. She has Steel to pilot the spaceship for her. But he's not smart enough to read her Brainwave Sensitivity Meters. So she obviously has to come along to point Steel in the right direction so that he knows who to hit with his hammer when they arrive.

Meanwhile Superman has flown away from Earth in the wrong direction. He's headed to the asteroid belt to beat up asteroids thinking that losing himself in his rage would help cure the rage infection. I know Superman isn't the smartest of DC's heroes but I think he's a little bit smarter than this! You're supposed to go the other way, dumb dumb! To the sun! The sun makes Superman more powerful! That means Superman can fight the infection better! If the Kryptonite could dull Superman so that Doomsday could take over, more yellow sunlight should strengthen Superman so that he could take over! Man, Zatanna should have been called in to switch Batman and Superman's bodies. Batman would be far better at dealing with this situation than Superman.

Come to think of it, Zatanna should have been called in to just say, "Eruc namrepus!" Problem solved!

Are you trying to get your cousin killed, Superman?! Earth's atmosphere is full of Kryptonite! Dick!

Supergirl leads Superman to a planet of lizard people back in Krypton's home solar system. A moon inhabited by the Char is about to explode and she thinks Superman will remember that he's a hero and save the Char. I guess the Char weren't all wiped out by Zod when he was trying to teach the Kryptonians that living in fear and committing genocide keeps a race of people strong!

I forgot to mention, seeing as how the moon was coming apart, that The Eradicator was probably behind it. And some guy with a scarf over his face that warned the Charlinians that he would be back is telling the Char "I told you so." I think that might be The Eradicator but I don't really remember what he looked like. Remember, he was part of the Return to Krypton story arc and I've repressed that memory as best I could.

Superman gets into a battle with The Eradicator and with himself. He's sick and confused and wondering why this kind of shit always happens to him. He's the strongest person in both Marvel and DC and he's constantly getting his fucking ass kicked. It seems unreasonable! How can every Marvel Fan that says they don't like DC because their heroes are too strong be wrong? I mean, they should be right! Superman should be unbeatable! I suppose that's why he's got to deal with this Doomsday thing. He has to come to terms with being the most powerful being in all the comic universes and the responsibility that goes with that. If he can't keep everybody safe from himself then he can't exist. This battle with Doomsday inside himself, this battle to keep himself in control, is a battle to keep everybody in the universe safe.

Or it's just another bullshit story to show that Superman has a tough time just like everybody else. "But I have problems too," he whines to Batman as Batman ages and gets arthritis and slowly loses himself in early onset dementia. Meanwhile Superman stays fit and trim and young and only gets more and more powerful every year. "Ugh. Kryptonian People Problems," coughs Batman as he begins looking under the chair for his cowl which is still on his head.

Lana uses her Extra Advanced Electrical Engineering Degree and the gadgets she created with her superior knowledge of Electrical Engineering to discover the person behind the entire plot: Lois Lane! It really helps that she developed faster than light communication devices that work with bluetooth compatible headsets.

And then Cyborg Superman and his fleet of gigantic alien piranha sperm pass over Steel and Lana's spaceship on their way to Earth. Things are really getting complicated! I guess that's why I'm going to have to read two fucking Annuals that tie into this story. Stupid Goddamned Annuals! Eat a dick!

Action Comics #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like how everything is coming together, even the stupid fucking Lois Lane is now a psychic powerhouse bullshit. It feels like Brainiac giving her power finally works in the context of a story instead of it just being a fanciful idea Scott Lobdell came up with while sniffing a dingleberry he just pulled out of his ass crack.

Batman Eternal #13

I bet drawing an issue of Batman Eternal is a mandatory chore that the artists don't get paid for. "MIKEL! GUILLERMO! Get your pencils ready, you retreads! It's your turn!" Also, whoever yelled that pronounced "Mikel" as "Michael" and "Guillermo" as "Sally." Probably Dan Didio.

I'm going to read a book tonight! A whole book! And it'll be a book for adults with big words and everything! Although it might take me longer than a single night to read a book without pictures since I'll have to draw my own pictures as I'm reading it. Now I wish I wasn't doing this comic book blog so I could do a blog where I post pictures I drew inspired by the very adult books I've been reading. I don't mean "very adult" as in doodads get rubbed on geegaws! I mean "very adult" as in "I'm going to have to look up a lot of words in the dictionary if I want to understand this sucker!" I wonder if I can read Don Quixote in just one night? Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't even finish more than two comic books in one night!

Currently in Batman Eternal, Ex-commissioner James Gordon is being lectured by a serial killer. I'm a lot like that serial killer! It's easy to lecture people with conviction by pointing out how their conviction contains blind spots and fallacies and misconceptions! And then they can't turn it around on you when you don't hold any convictions at all! They'll say, "Well, you're a killer!" And the serial killer (not me! I've hardly killed anybody! Definitely not enough to be categorized "serial") will say, "I know I am! I'm a killer and I kill. What I don't do is say I'm a killer and then not kill! That would make me a hypocrite! Like you!" I italicized the "you" in that last sentence because you're supposed to hear it in your head as a taunting accusation filled with honey and venom. Honey and venom are very similar words! I wish venom tasted like honey! I'd go kiss a rattlesnake!

You know, if venom did taste like honey, that would be great! Because venom is venomous and not poisonous! So I can eat all the venom I want, right?! I just can't mainline it! I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! Am I using too many exclamation points? It's not like there's a limited supply! I'm just really excited about Honey Venom!

Looks like Batman has agreed to a cavity search!

Meanwhile in the offices of the Gotham Gazette, Vicki and her boss are discussing how many hits the Gotham Gazette's webpage gets. You know how many it should be getting? Zero! The only reason people visit online newspapers is because they love to masturbate to pop-up ads and scroll over noisemaking banners! Sometimes you get some extra kink when the site actually tells you that you need to register with the site to be able to read their vapid and inane news stories! I'm getting so hot just thinking about it! Fuck the media! Fuck them right in the ass! You know what the greatest film of all time was? Natural Born Killers! All the President's Men was also pretty good but Natural Born Killers depicted journalism itself bending over All the President's Men (what journalism had been) and anally raping the shit out of it for a few hours. I think journalism was actually still in denial and trying to fool the public into thinking they were a respectable institution. And then Natural Born Killers exposed them for what they truly were and they just said "Fuck it!" and dropped any semblance of honor or respectability.

You know why satire news shows are more legitimate sources for news than mainstream sources of news? Because mainstream sources of news think all opinions are equal. They purposefully misinterpret debates and create new debates based on misinterpreted notions. The media should be calling out politicians who willfully misinterpret other politicians to push their own agendas but instead the media gives all sides equal time. Meanwhile, all sides are arguing against a totally imaginary made-up fact simply to make the other side look like moronic assholes. But satire news outlets call people on their shit. So instead of the normal news allowing a politician to misrepresent another politician in order to make the other politician look like a fool, the satire news sites point out that the first politician is a fool for not understanding anything at all and being a complete and total douchebag.

I hate you, news outlets. I hate you, journalists. I hate you, local news anchors. You have created a platform for the worst people in the world to have voices because you just want to line your pockets with fat advertising revenue. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, assholes. Eat S-H-I-T.

Wow. I really got off track there and I didn't even get around to bitching about "Lois Lane's scathing editorials over at the Daily Planet." Fuck Lois Lane! She's supposed to be the greatest investigative reporter that ever lived in the DC Universe. What the fuck is she doing writing editorials about Jim Gordon's trial? Stop slumming it, Lane! Get your ass back into some sticky situations! And I don't mean Superman's bedroom!

Bandaids, bandages, aspirin, thread, condoms, Anal-Eze, tea, Kryptonite, grappling hooks, dog food, cat food, cow food.

The next scene takes place in the library where Stephanie Brown has been living ever since her father tried to kill her. I think it's time to play, "How Many Panels Until Stephanie Says 'SPOIL!'" It doesn't happen in the first sixteen panels she's a part of although her friend does blow up! I bet that spoiled her night!

Meanwhile Jason Bard's plot to bring down the Jeezly Crow Batman goes off without a hitch. I guess if you look at it from Commissioner Forbes perspective, it completely failed. But that's just one man! All the other Gotham Police on the raid with Bard feel like they've made some headway tonight even if Batman got away!

If the only people Forbes will let his police arrest are Batman and his minions, then start making Falcone's men smell like guano.

This is just the first half of the plan. Obviously Forbes isn't going to allow these men to be arrested. So how to force his hand?

Now that's journalism! Sure, it's manipulative! But it's about exposing the truth and the truth is what scares people in power into doing the right thing.

This is the main problem that journalism has come up against. Journalists and the media somehow think their job is to spread the messages of politicians to the general public. But journalism is supposed to be about forcing transparency. The media is supposed to expose things the government or corporations or local businesses want to keep hidden. The media is supposed to shine a light on the truth and let the people decide if the truth is one they can live with. The media is not supposed to shine a light on everybody's lies and let the citizens fight over which lie they believe in the most.

Back at Red Robin's Nest, wherever the fuck that is, Harper Row breaks in to do some investigating. She's still proving to Tim that she's much smarter and, obviously, better written than he ever was! I'm talking Reboot so don't send angry postcards! Unless your angry postcard is a ten dollar bill with a stamp on it! I accept those. Harper learns that Tim is headed to Tokyo to talk with a cybernetic monkey and his friend, Sergei Russiannameanov. He's the only one that could have created the nano-virus which Harper's brother and a bunch of other Gotham children were infected by. Tim doesn't know it but Sergei also had a panel or two where he said something like, "Whoops! The Nanos weren't supposed to do that yet!"

Oh look! A third part of the plan! Looks like a job will be opening up soon on the force!

Batman Eternal #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I think DC should make all of their books weekly! But they should only have 13 titles if they do that because I'm not buying 52 weekly books! But I'm enjoying reading a story that updates each week! You know who else should learn about telling a story each week until the story is over? Mad Men! Whoever heard of a year long mid-season break, you assholes? Um. Sorry! Anyway, at some point, am I going to open up a copy of Batman Eternal which will direct me to reread Batman #28 so that it slots right into the story line? Maybe DC will just reprint Batman #28 as Batman Eternal #26 and the cover will just be Dan Didio's middle finger.

Futures End #9

Looks like Starfire has been mainlining steroids for the past five years.

I think I'll begin this review by pointing out why I call myself a Master Comic Book Reader. Firstly, it's because I'm a narcissist. But that's beside the point! Unless it's besides the point? Language is for dunderheads. What's not beside the point is that a reader mentioned how they noticed last issue (#8!) how Futures End was all about cancelled comic book characters. I replied that I only happened to notice that when I read Issue #0. But I was wrong! I noticed it when I read Issue #1! But that's only because I read Issue #1 before I read Issue #0! Here's what I wrote to sum up Futures End #1:

Anyway, I guess Futures End is all about futures that ended early which is why this is all about heroes that got their asses cancelled. Is that the big bad motherfucker from outer space that killed Stormwatch? The Cancellator? I suppose we’ll be seeing Static Shock and Blue Beetle shortly. Maybe even the Blackhawks! Oh, and if Grifter is here, I bet Voodoo is dancing at a club just down the street! I just hope Captain Atom decides to sit this one out. Although he’d be a lot more interesting not being written by J.T. Krul.

It's nice to get a shot at J.T. Krul whenever I get the chance since he hasn't written for DC for about two years now. I miss hating his work.

Currently Lois Lane is searching for a location in the Indian Ocean using some coordinates she received in a mysterious package. While she spends all of her money and time on this crazy lead, her employees are back in Metropolis wondering when the next pittance of a check will come dribbling in to their sweaty, open palms. If The Fast Lane fails, what other job can they possibly do? Once you've realized you can make money by posting pure bullshit on the internet, you'll never again be able to work a job in the real world! If Lois Lane's wild Cadmus Island chase doesn't bear any baconfruit, she's not going to have a killer story to post on The Fast Lane and the readers will stop reading because they have a fake city or farm to click monotonously on. They don't have time to wait for written entertainment that they then have to sit and read with their own eyes and brain! Ugh! Who has time for that bullshit? I want to level up a cow by clicking on plots of grass over and over again!

If only Lois Lane had a nose for mystery, it would be twitching like crazy!

Well, Lois, I know you don't give up so let's pretend the numbers you were sent are coordinates and you haven't missed the actual significance of them. If you don't see anything by plane, you now have to charter a ship to head out here. I know the pilot mentioned there was nothing on sonar but who the fuck is he trying to fool? Okay, that's an easy question to answer since Lois is the only other person in the plane. As if a plane flying over one tiny line of ocean is going to reveal everything in the ocean all the way to the bottom all across the entire area of the coordinates. That's an easy attack on the asshole pilot's premise without even going into the, most likely, ineffectiveness of sonar actually discovering anything from a small plane flying over the surface of the ocean. I'm not a sciencegineer or else I'd really make that pilot feel stupid! He must work for Cadmus, trying to pull that shitty "nothing on sonar" excuse!

If only Cadmus Island wasn't magically invisible to nosy reporters, Lois Lane would have seen Deathstroke the Terminator and his sidekick, Fifty Sue, treating Grifter like the 3rd rate comic book character he is.

Since this story features Brother Eye and Father time as major players, perhaps Fifty Sue is that Mother person from Blackhawks, Mother Machine!

Grifter is led into Cadmus's detention facility where they have a bunch of Earth 2 heroes locked in cells. This includes Mister Miracle and Big Barda (unless it's Fury or Omega. It's hard to tell since I can't remember what any of them looked like! Also, I don't think we've actually gotten a glimpse of Omega yet) who were last seen in Dinosaur Gotham and never got to finish their story. Power Girl is also locked away so maybe Power Girl isn't the Futures End Superman. I guess it must be Kara!

Such a typical, shitty, trite, boring Cole Cash line. He's being written perfectly by this crew!

Back in Metropolis, Red Robin's girlfriend Mad Payne is visiting her father Max Payne in prison. While they're discussing Max's penchant for taking money from the enemy during the war, the orange woman from the cover barges in to break a guy named Ethan out of jail. At one point, Ethan says, "Total rampage," so I'm guessing that's the name of this super villain. Futures End loves to bold words that are the name or associated with the name of characters that have yet to be named. Ethan could have also called her Kitty since that's her nickname. Maybe. She was an old preboot foe of Superman's turned super hero but I don't know who Ethan Boyer is. Superman seems to think he's a sicko though.

Mister Terrific gets a scene where we learn he's now the smartest man on Earth. Or he just has an alien presence (or robot) that's main programming is to stick its tongue straight down the back of his trousers. It's also possible that Batman and Lex Luthor are dead. It's also possible that Michael Holt's lab is on a completely different Earth full of morons, idiots, and utter baboons.

A few other plot points decide to meet up at the Wounded Duck because there were too many individual threads to keep track of.

Red Robin has the bartender disguise down pat. Look at the concentration on his face as he dries that beer mug!

Finally in deep space, Hawkman wakes up just in time to see Frankenstein testing out his new arm which was Hawkman's old arm. Somehow Hawkman's Nth Metal kept him alive. It regrew him a new arm over in Justice League United, so maybe he'll get a new one back here as well. He'd be perfect for spare parts for Franky.

Futures End #8 Rating: No change. Nobody died. Fifty Sue's real identity wasn't revealed. Lois Lane found loads and loads of squat. Superman's identity wasn't revealed. Terry McBatman and The Key's gang didn't infiltrate Terrifitech. Ray Palmer and his crew discovered nothing. Father Time pointed out it was going to be the end of the world. So not a lot has changed since last issue!

All Star Western #32

Last issue's cover incorrectly portrayed Jonah with his old scars. This cover incorrectly portrays Tallulah as having no scars. That must be what idiots refer to as "equal time."

You know how people say you can't really change anybody's mind through discussion and rational debate? People generally need some kind of emotional connection to get them to reconsider some long-held belief before they even begin to possibly start to maybe rethink their position. The most you can usually hope to do is plant a seed in the other person's mind and hope they don't uproot it immediately and piss all over it to make sure it's dead. But I have a sure fire way of getting people to instantly question their own beliefs! It might take a little effort but isn't it worth it to stop your sibling from believing some stupid shit that you totally don't believe and think that everybody else should believe as well?

Here's what you do! The person whose mind you want to change probably severely dislikes certain types of people. Maybe they hate liberals or dirty hippies or business men in three piece suits or Jews. You'll want to hire a few people belonging to the group that your antagonist hates and make sure they'll be at a table in a cafe or restaurant that you and your antagonist can sit next to. Then you have them loudly discuss the subject that you and your antagonist have been discussing. Make sure you've paid your actors enough so they don't fuck it all up though! So the actors should be speaking in general terms without defending either side of the argument. Your antagonist will probably assume they're going to be on your side of the argument and roll his eyes and maybe make jerk-off motions as he eavesdrops. That's when your actors should start vehemently supporting his side! They should be rabid in their support of the subject! They should make claims that your antagonist has made but with even more passion and certainty! Then the actors should just quiet down and change the subject or just get the fuck out or whatever. Then you don't even mention it. Don't continue talking about the subject. Just ignore it. If your antagonist wants to bring it up, just hand wave the suggestion away and begin looking at the menu. You've now got your antagonist wondering why the fuck he agrees with the dirtbags that just left! He'll question and explore his reasons for believing what he believes because it's too horrible to think that they think the same way that he does! The next time your antagonist brings up the discussion, play a little middle of the road. Ease your antagonist along slowly. Maybe touch your antagonist's hand lightly and say, "It's a complicated matter." If eventually your antagonist continues to believe the same thing your antagonist has always believed, you should just stab your antagonist in the throat and be done with the matter.

Meanwhile in the Old West, Jonah Hex has been busy catching hoodlums to pay for his big bounty hunting expedition where he hunts down himself.

Ten thousand?! Just retire and forget about evil Jonah Hex!

Well, Jonah doesn't have the ten thousand yet and it doesn't look like he's going to get it any time soon since the entire town owns guns and the entire town wants to shoot some strangers. Did they miss the sign with the name of the town on it on the way in? I bet it read:

FUCKYOU
Population: None of your Gotdamn Business.

Luckily for Hex and Black, the town doesn't actually want to shoot anybody. They just want to take Blackthorne's ten thousand dollar bounty for themselves.

Unluckily for the townsfolk, they don't actually want to shoot anybody.

When Jonah and Tallulah wake up tied to their horses miles outside of town, Tallulah feels it's a perfect time to tell a story about a lucky shotgun. Hell, she's not wrong! Any time is right for a story about a lucky shotgun!

I'd repeat the story here but it's not the right time for it.

A preacher and his wife happen upon Jonah and Tallulah and quite aptly fail to untie them. They do give them a bit of Biblical advice which I'm sure is the next best thing to being rescued.

That preacher is going to do well for himself out west. He's just the right amounts of cautious and ornery.

Actually the preacher doesn't do as well as I thought since come morning, Jonah and Tallulah's horses bring them upon the preacher and his wife getting the crap kicked out of them by some thugs. Maybe he had too much ornery and not enough cautiousness! And since Jonah and Tallulah don't really have a say in the amount of cautiousness they can currently employ, they ride up on the thugs and quickly have their horses shot out from under them. Fucking dicks. I bet that was Tallulah's lucky horse!

That's going to be a hard promise to keep, sir!

All Star Western #32 Rating: No change. I thoroughly enjoy this book just about every month and would make it the #1 ranked comic book if I could! But I can't because the math behind the rankings can't just be fudged for one book without completely collapsing the underlying equation that keeps the rest of the New 52 sorted! So just understand while this might not be the best book of The New 52, it is definitely my current favorite. It wins the Tess's Pick Award for Outstanding Amorality and Shoot Em Up Bang Bang Times!

Secret Origins #3

Can't I get a copy for $2.99 with the Scott Lobdell story removed?

Didn't Scott Lobdell already tell Red Robin's secret origin in the "pages" of Teen Titans? I put pages in quotation marks because I'm not generally inclined to call used toilet paper "pages." I bet even he's forgotten what he said in that origin and he's just going to slather up an entirely new one for this issue. Although that would require more writing and writing is much easier when you know what CTRL-C and CTRL-V do!

I might actually enjoy the Scott Lobdell story since I'm not going to let anything ruin my day! Today is my cat Judas's fifteenth birthday. I baked him a yellow cake with chocolate frosting. He mostly just licked off the frosting and now he's lying on the middle of the floor resting. And holding his breath. He's so silly!

Green Lantern
Everybody knows Green Lantern's secret origin! But I suppose DC has to stack these first few issues with Justice League members to make sure that the completionist fans out there buy up all the overpriced issues of this thing. I would have guessed Wonder Woman would have been on the cover of this issue since DC is always touting Supes, Bats, and Wonds as the big three. I suppose Wonder Woman and The Flash will make the covers of the next two issues.

Let's see how well I remember Green Lantern's origin! Abin Sur drink drives his ship right into the side of the Earth. Being that he wasn't wearing a seat belt, he's thrown from the cockpit and impaled on a cactus. Being without fear, he believes he'll pull through without contacting a replacement and dies. The ring then begins searching for a suitable replacement. It realizes Guy Gardner is the best man for the job but he's all the way on the other side of the globe or something and there's a guy named Hal Jordan who's much closer and might not have the least fear but he's got the most stubbornness and that's close enough to willpower. The ring pulls Jordan from his jet fighter and tells him that he's the new Green Lantern. Since Hal has never met a talking ring before, so he thinks he's having a conversation with the obviously dead alien in front of him. The ring convinces him to become Green Lantern by saying, "With great power, comes great amounts of partying." Hal chugs a beer, howls like a gorilla, and pumps his fist in the air before flying off to become the douchiest Green Lantern in history!

Was I close?

What the hell is Venditti doing? Trying to get me to sympathize with Hal on the first page? No way! Forget it! I hate kids and sad kids are the worst!

Jordan grew up to be a pilot to prove to himself that his father's death didn't paralyze him and keep him afraid of living. Instead he chose to live completely immersed in fear. I know how that is! My mom raised me on horror movies! Most of my childhood was spent in abject terror! I bet I could be a Green Lantern now because I learned how to beat fear! Here's the secret: you close off the part of your brain that allows you to feel fear. Oh sure, you have to make some sacrifices since all the other emotions are tucked up in that part of the brain as well. But so what if I never felt joy or love or melancholy or sadness or exuberance ever again! I was free from fear! No wonder Hal Jordan sucks at loving Carol Ferris! Hal and I are emotionless twinsies!

You had Hal at "most powerful weapon in the universe."

So Hal joins the Corps and he mentions Sinestro and a few other things and there you have it. Green Lantern's secret origin finally revealed!

Green Lantern's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. The twist here is that Hal Jordan is addicted to fear. He tries to portray running toward fear as a noble thing but really he's just a fear junkie with Daddy Issues that left him with a death wish. At one point he says, "Everyone feels fear. Someone says they don't, they're a liar." Well, I don't feel fear and I'm not a liar! Well, okay, I do lie occasionally but not about important stuff! Although I did feel a bit freaked out after watching V/H/S in the dark in the wee hours of the morning last week. But being creeped out isn't exactly experiencing fear! Remember how Roosevelt said that fear only fears itself? I totally believe that and am not scared of anyth...eeek! SPIDER!

Batwoman
I know Batwoman's secret origin! Someone at DC Comics was sitting on the shitter one day and thinking, "Batman. Batman. How can we capitalize on more Batman without eroding the brand? Batman. Batm...Batwoman!" He then hopped off the toilet yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" He stumbled out of the man's bathroom just as a female employee was stumbling out of the woman's bathroom yelling, "I've got it! I've got it!" And that's how the chocolate of Batwoman got deliciously mixed up with the peanut butter of 52! Also nobody washed their hands in the excitement of the moment which is why everybody that read the first printing issues of 52 got E. coli.

Another secret origin that begins with a sad kid and a dead parent!

I said I wouldn't let anything ruin this day and here DC is trying to shit all over it with sad children and dead parents and sadness and more sadness! Jesus Christ, DC! Let's lighten up a bit, hunh? At least I know Tim Drake's parents don't die! Although I don't know if Scott Lobdell can be trusted to keep that canon! He might decide he wants Tim's real parents to die horribly on the first page of the Secret Origin and then we'll learn the parents of Tim we know have adopted him.

Later, Kate leaves West Point for kicking too much ass and Batman tells her to not make a habit of being gay. Or vice versa. I always get confused between violence and homosexuality. I think it's because I grew up watching Three's Company. I knew Jack Tripper was pretending to be gay and you could tell his slapstick pratfalls were totally faked. So I thought being gay meant being clumsy and smashing your head into open cabinets and falling over furniture and getting bashed in the head by wine bottles.

Kate spends a few years training under her father's tutelage. He also designs her costume for her, edging quite a ways into copyright infringing territories. Later still, Kate meets Maggie Sawyer and they hit it off and everything is perfect! I think the last panel should have had Dan Didio's shadow looming over Batwoman and Gotham City scowling at the fact that she's happy and fulfilled.

Batwoman's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed this because, ignoring the death of Kate's mom, it was upbeat and positive. Kate's rise to Batwoman wasn't due to misfortune and trauma. She took control of her own life at every turn and became what she wanted to become, always true to herself. This origin story actually made me happy! Uh oh. That's a bad sign! If the happiness got out of the locked area in my brain then that means the fear may have gotten out as well! Shit shit shit shit shit. I wonder where I put the night lights?

Red Robin
If I read any Preboot comic books with Time Drake in them, I've completely forgotten about them. So I don't know anything about Tim Drake's Preboot Secret Origin except what I've heard from other people. This origin begins with Tim Drake claiming he figured out Batman's secret identity. I think that's what happened Preboot. But it isn't what happened in the previous Red Robin secret origin written by Scott Lobdell! No, he thought he figured it out. But he didn't. It was Dick Grayson who figured out Batman's secret identity in The New 52. But remember how I said Lobdell was probably going to ignore what he wrote before and completely change it? Well, so far, one page into this origin, it looks like that's what he's doing.

Is the smartest sidekick ever going to fall for the Batman and Bruce Wayne seen at the same time cover story?! Also, his name is now Timonthy!

So Scott Lobdell isn't technically changing what happened. Timonthy still goes off to check on Enrique Fluente's old digs in search of the truth. But Lobdell changes the perspective so we now see Timonthy actually knew it was Bruce all along. Basically he's satisfying all of the fans that were upset that Timonthy lost the history of being the kid to figure out Bruce's identity. And I bet Scott would swear up and down that this was how he initially envisioned how Timonthy's encounter with Batman actually went so he can smugly point out to the Red Robin fans that he had this planned all along and they were wrong to criticize his initial account. Or maybe that's just me wanting to portray Scott Lobdell as the jerkiest jerk in the jerk store.

So you mean like the moon? God, his way with words is terrible.

Basically Scott Lobdell is telling the same Red Robin story he told before but injecting a shit ton of new Narration Boxes to skew the perspective and turn it into something it wasn't before. It's just a shitty retcon but what do I care? Red Robin has really only been written by Scott Lobdell so far so he's been one of my least favorite characters in The New 52. I don't mind believing this version over the last one.

Red Robin's Secret Origin Rating: -1 Ranking. Look, I'm not a fan of Scott Lobdell. He's a lazy writer that seems uninterested in his characters. He seems to think he writes young adults well but they all just come off as annoying assholes. There was a time when I kept hoping he'd surprise me and write something decent but that day is long past. At this point, he's going to have to come up with some Watchmen level shit to get me to write something mediocre about his writing.

Sinestro #3

Sinestro's buddy! Sinestro's buddy! Wherever he goes, Death goes! Sinestro's buddy! Sinestro's buddy! Sinestro's buddy and, um, Sinestro!

Holy shit. I haven't seen Rags Morales's name in quite some time! That reminds me that I haven't used Anguished Fat Man in a months. I wonder what he's up to? When you've created a character and haven't written about them in awhile, do you also wonder what they've gotten up to outside of your supervision? I sometimes wonder if some of the characters I've created and then forgotten about have moved on into the real world to become serial killers like The Corinthian. I hope so! Any character I created will probably only kill complete douchebag assholes, like Frat guys and know-it-all editors and that one guy that was always trying to get you to play Magic the Gathering with him but he didn't know the rules and would argue with you about every move you made so that you just finally got sick of him, gave in, and played by his incorrect interpretation of the rules. God. Fuck that guy.

Judging by the cover of this issue, Sinestro is going to have a wardrobe malfunction because he forgot to buy mothballs. I bet we see some bright pink scrotal tissue this issue!

This issue begins in the armpit of the galaxy. Which galaxy would that be?

The Location Box states the fact so casually that this scene takes place in the armpit of the galaxy that it makes me think I should know which galaxy it's talking about! Now I feel like I've been lax in my studies and I've been caught unawares by a pop quiz! Which fucking galaxy in the nearly infinite galaxies in the universe would this particular armpit be located?! I think Cullen Bunn made a huge mistake. Saying galaxy when he meant universe is just a small mistake. Making that mistake where I, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea, could catch it and never stop talking about? That's a huge mistake.

If Sinestro makes it to Issue #100, I still won't have stopped mentioning how fucking dimwitted Cullen Bunn is! Even if somebody eventually points out that the first two issues took place entirely across one galaxy so that this mention of a galaxy implies the same location, I won't back down! Why should I stop believing what I want to believe just because somebody pointed out that what I believe isn't true?! Jesus. Fuck those guys!

No wait! I take back everything I just said because the thing that these dentally challenged, robed figures are in agreement about is mentioned in the second panel and it made me laugh.

That's a pretty strong stance! Not as strong as "Sinestro can suck it," but still strong nevertheless.

The robed figures are Yellow Lanterns, so this secret meeting probably does take place in the same galaxy where most of the previous story has taken place. So I should probably apologize.

I'm not going to! But I probably should.

This small rebellion gets broken up by three members of The Paling before the scene shifts. But I have a feeling that the advocates of The Paling are going to destroy these Sinestro Corps members. Perhaps they'll even integrate them into their movement because DC Comics really seems to have a raging business boner for Borg Stories.

Meanwhile Sinestro emo-mopes all over the place. Or maybe he's happy? It's sort of hard to tell because he's a less emotional version of Spock combined with a more psychotic version of Charles Manson. I think the most that can be said of Sinestro is that he's determined. He's determined to get the Sinestro Corps back up and running so that they can scare everybody to their heart's delight.

This comment makes me think two different things which is a multiple of things more than I normally think but can't do the math on since I normally think zero things. Firstly, it can easily be misconstrued, mostly by me, as a sly wink at Arkillo's love of blowing Sinestro. Secondly, it sounds like the kind of saying that Cullen Bunn read somewhere and has appropriated for his own use.

Sinestro is sending his Yellow Corps on a mission to find and round up Korugarians. He's sending his daughter, Soranik the Green Lantern, along with them because she's a doctor. He also thinks it will confer upon a party of Yellow Lanterns some kind of advantage in the universe. Has he been following what's been going on with the Green Lanterns right now? The Universe hates them!

Sinestro and his gang interrupt a slave auction where they're selling a family of delicious Korugarians. But after the battle, the Korugarians don't seem to appreciate Sinestro's help. Just like the previous group he saved, they want nothing to do with him no matter how well he can protect them. Sinestro has caused a lot of pain to his people and it's all that Hal Jordan's fault! Hal Jordan must pay! I hope! Why hasn't Sinestro mentioned how much he hates Hal Jordan yet? He really despised him in the Challenge of the Superfriends cartoons!

Luckily Soranik tagged along. The Korugarians seem to be okay with a Korugarian Green Lantern saving their asses. But before the party can return to Yellow Lantern Headquarters, the Paling Borgs appear to Borg out on the future Borgs.

Borg borg borg borg!

Sinestro #3 Rating: No change. I can't wait for the issue where Sinestro learns how to laugh!

Aquaman #32

This cover shows the moment just before five Atlanteans died horrible deaths.

The only explanation for this cover is that Mera has been trying to have a rational dialogue with a bunch of irrational Sea Party Atlanteans when they attacked her. And even after they attacked her, she decided she didn't want to kill any of them so she kept trying to convince them to stop their foolishness while defending herself. They might have harpoons or water spears or whatever but Mera has the power to manipulate water and since they're fighting in water, Mera has this battle won whenever she decides to begin fighting it. So if she's a bit beaten up and overwhelmed here, it's because she's chosen to be beaten up and overwhelmed for the sake of peace. But I think her patience has probably just about run out.

Aquaman is returning home from his adventures with The Batman and boy is he going to be pissed when he sees how Mera was treated while he was out. You know who else is pissed? Creature King!

Maybe not so much "pissed" as "overenthusiastically alive."

Creature King has escaped Triton Base and is hunting down Aquaman whom it refers to as "the Killer King." That's because Creature King's brain has a bit of the brain of the Karaquan that Aquaman killed because he didn't want it eating people. If Aquaman has the right to do that without any consequences, does that mean a superhero cow (Batcow?) can head off to a slaughterhouse and kill people willy-nilly without any repercussions? Probably not because I've messed up some variables in the analogy equation. The main variable is "people" and if that variable gets killed, more people are going to step in and kill whatever variable killed their representative variable. In my analogy, that would be poor Batcow. In Aquaman's case, it was The Karaquan. But I think that means that other giant sea creatures have the right to exact revenge on Aquaman. But in this case, getting back to the reason Creature King wants to kill Aquaman, the vengeance exacting giant sea creature is the same one Aquaman killed because it's part of Creature King!

But there will probably be some conflict since the Karaquan is sharing the brain of Coombs whom Aquaman saved. So in the eyes of Creature King, Aquaman is both killer and savior. That conflict will probably be important to the story later.

Holy unruly Underrealm! And I'm talking about this guy's wayward pubes.

I chose to scan this picture of the Underrealm's out of control under garden instead of one of the many, many panels that follow it which show Mera and Tula kicking their fucking asses. It's not one of those fights you expect where the hero is up against the ropes and on the verge of failure but they turn the tables due to one last chance and win the day. No, no. This is a pure, unadulterated, get off my fucking lawn, bitchslapping asskickfest. One of their giant crabs gets a single shot in on Mera but that's about it. Tula and Mera wipe the sea floor with them while the less aggressive members of the Underrealm that have been hoodwinked by the fearmongering assholes realize that maybe Mera isn't the cowardly usurper they've been told she was. So beating these guys' asses was like killing two fish with one hook.

After defeating the leader of the Underrealm, Mera hauls him away to partake in Atlantis's version of waterboarding.

Le sigh.

When somebody sighs, it usually means they're exasperated. When they sigh within ear shot of another person, it's usually because they're exasperated with the other person. But when somebody puts "le" in front of "sigh," it means they're crushing hardcore. It also means that they're one accidental white stripe away from committing rape. Pepe le Pew was a monster! Although that cat was kind of a prude. Who wouldn't want to have sex with another creature outside of their species that smells horrible? Give it a shot! Although when the cat actually did show interest and pursued Pepe, it always scared him off. He was all talk! Horrible rapey overly aggressive talk, but still all talk!

Meanwhile, Aquaman is being attacked by a bunch of creatures. It's almost as if they were listening to a new king! It's also almost as if they're tired of Aquaman always using them against their will to fight his battles! Although I think it's more the things about some other king, perhaps a "Creature King," now manipulating them to fight for him. Poor oft-abused sea creatures!

This is as close as this comic gets to calling the new antagonist "Creature King." He reveals himself as Chimera on the last page. I guess "Creature King" was too old school even for a Jeff Parker comic called "It Lives!"

Aquaman #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. Jeff Parker's Aquaman seems unique to The New 52. It's a bit hard to explain why but it feels like I'm reading a comic book from the mid to late eighties. You know, the time after the seventies when things were firming up out of the silliness of the sixties and entering a more modern, adult sensibility but before Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns began sliding everything into a depressing dark gritty griminess of bloody pulpiness? It's nice to see a superhero (or two! Mera is just as important to this book as the guy whose name is on the cover) dealing with problems that aren't going to end the world. Or the Omniverse. And seeing Mera kick righteous ass without going through the rigamarole of nearly losing was refreshing as well. I like how Parker presented a situation where the reader knows Mera has the upper hand and should easily win. And then that's exactly what happens! Now is that so hard to do on a regular basis, DC Comics? If only Superman had Mera's confidence!