Catwoman #26

Yay! Ann Nocenti is back!

My comic book store has a big binder full of the migraine-inducing Villains Month cover comic books sitting on a shelf opposite the cash register. So I was flipping through it to see how much they've stickered the first printings for and most of them were five dollars which I guess is understandable since they ruin your eyesight and were originally four dollars so that's not a huge mark up. But Joker's Daughter #1? Twenty five dollars. Twenty five dollars?! Wait, wait. I don't think you read that correctly. Let me try again.

TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!!!

I won't get into the economics of supply and demand or the philosophical question pertaining to people's seeming need for that piece of shit comic book. But I would like you to consider this: imagine paying that much money for this book because you love The Joker's Daughter so much that you have to have every appearance by her, and then getting home, crawling into your sexy pajamas, pouring a nice hot cup of cocoa (three parts vodka), sighing comfortably, and preparing to enjoy a nice quiet read with one of your favorite characters. Doesn't that sound nice? Now imagine getting shot in the face with a shotgun full of dog shit as you open up the comic book. Is that worth the money to you? I wouldn't pay anything more then eight dollars for that.

Because of Zero Year, I don't quite remember what was going on in this comic book. I think Catwoman and Ugly Cat were about to drown while Princess Cupcakes teamed up with The Joker's Daughter to rule the Gotham Underworld. Also Rat-tails (woo woo!) was found safe and safer. Now on with the story! The really, shitty, fucked-up story that only stupid and ignorant people like. If you don't like my objective description of people that enjoy Ann Nocenti's writing, you can accept my sincere apology. Seriously. Sorry about that.

This issue begins as if Issue #25 was actually written and scripted by Nocenti but got bumped for Zero Year and Ann Nocenti forgot to move the script up to Issue #26! Because last issue ended with Princess Winterbucks and The Joker's Daughter being best friends! But then something happened in the interim! Something horrible! Something terrible! Something...something...

Nonsensical.

So Princess Betterlocks's super power is to shoot wax out of her orifices? Is that what happened? I'm confused. At least I knew going into reading an Ann Nocenti comic book that I would be confused, so I'm not confused as to why I'm confused.

Also, this issue is called "Diamonds are a girl's worst friend." Get it? GET IT?!

I think this opening page is Ann Nocenti trying to explain herself to her readers. Her writing is no more than champagne bubbles and pretty, deadly fish. Makes sense to me!

Catwoman and Ugly Cat who were drowning last issue wind up being dropped into Rock Bottom by the torrent of water. I don't know where all the water goes though. I guess it is blasted into steam when it hits the ground. Catwoman lands on her neck and manages to keep cracking wise. It's good that she can so often be nearly killed and not fucking mind one bit. Ugly Cat takes the same spill and he's fine. Neither of them land on their feet though. Fuck, Nocenti! You can't even get that right! It's a scientifically verified fact that cats always land on their feet because their nine lives are filled with helium and stored along their spine!

As I read more of this tripe, I discover that the water cooled down the lava pit that Catwoman otherwise would have fallen into which is why it must have all steamed away. Plus there are lots of diamonds which Catwoman can't take because she has no pockets in her costume.

Ann Nocenti really has been playing a lot of Minecraft lately, hasn't she?

Meanwhile above ground, Alice Tesla did not die in the explosion she stupidly caused but is now deciding to blame on whatever happened underground.

Yes, I'm sure whoever found Catwoman's Bracelet knows the name of the person on the other end of the communicator.

Alice Tesla's Narration Boxing makes no sense at all. "Nobody believed anybody. The plumbers were called to fix shit but it was over by then. Only I know what really happened!" Nocenti likes to string phrases and sentences together as if they make some kind of logical sense, one from the other. That's part of writing like Ann Nocenti. You have to be confident in your use of stringing together non sequitors so that the reader just keeps chugging along, believing they just read something that makes sense but forever living with a nagging doubt in the back of their mind that will eventually lead to madness.

Also, Alice Tesla is unaware of all of that other shit going on. But she'll still comment on it as if she's telling a story about stick figures painted on a cave wall to a lone man that appeared out of the desert.

By a cosmic coincidence (these things happen all the time in comic books!), Catwoman just happened to fall on a cache of explosive diamonds and Alice Tesla knows the Power Chord to set them off. The Power Chord is "WOOAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Now Catwoman has a plan to blow up the underground which shouldn't have any effect on Gotham Normalground at all. Plus Rat-Tail also did not drown and has arrived to help Catwoman rig the place to blow up.

I'm just five pages into Catwoman #26 and I'm already burnt out! This shit is hard shit to read and shit!

Princess Taserblox has returned to her father to scold him for releasing a fireball onto the Nethers. Did that happen in Issue #24? Or is that part of what should have happened in Issue #25? Oh, I don't care! It's not like I'm going to dig out Issue #24 and reread it! I'd sooner rub jalapeño juice into my belly button. But I do learn that Princess Cummerbund does shoot wax out of her orifices! She covered The Joker's Daughter in wax so that she would survive the fireball that engulfed them. And she survived because the wax can't melt unless it has a wick in it!

What happened to Cake's eye? I'm really suspecting somebody skipped an issue! Either that or my mind simply refuses to retain anything written by Ann Nocenti.

Catwoman and Rat-Tail stick a bunch of diamonds in the ceiling of Rock Bottom and Catwoman rushes off to set a time in the Nethers to flood the place. It's all part of a complicated plan to destroy the homes of a bunch of people who weren't bothering Catwoman or Gotham City. Sure, now they've been talking about biological warfare and turning Gotham into a volcano but they were so busy bickering and running diplomatic marriage scams before Catwoman showed up that they were never going to get around to fucking up Gotham City. Besides, Batman would take care of it when it came to that.

And even though most of Nocenti's crap is confusing garbage with plot points that change willy-nilly, I can still forgive her for most of it. She's trying to forge her own path in this comic book! Do things that haven't been done before! Make waves! She's just doing her best. But she's continually been doing one thing that I can't forgive her for. Ever. Never ever.

Catwoman hating on a cat because it's ugly.

Besides, it's not even ugly! Scruffy, maybe! But it's not ugly like those cats with wide set eyes and smooshed in faces! Those cats are ugly! But even then, I still love them and want to eat them up and cuddle them! Of course, I'll be saying, "Who's an ugly boy? Who's an ugly girl? Who's an ugly *checks under tail* castrato!? YOU ARE! YOOOOOUUU ARE!"

I still think Catwoman believes she's writing Catwo-Man and she's too embarrassed to admit she doesn't know what a "Catwo" is. I've said that before and I'll probably say it again! It's the best hypothesis I have for why Nocenti is completely screwing up this job!

And speaking of fucking up characters, here's another!

He's a survivalist. That's what they do. They survive. But now he'd rather die than survive by any means? He just threw his whole fucking life out the window. For what? Revenge? It just goes to show that Nocenti's characters serve the plot instead of the other way around. You know, the way it should be. The characters should drive the narrative.

Catwoman and Warhog talk past each other for a few panels and ultimately decide to work together. I think. It's hard to interpret when they're having two separate conversations. Anyway, Warhog is going to go delay Doctor Phosphorus while Catwoman rigs the Nethers to flood the place. This comic book is halfway over and The Joker's Daughter, prominently displayed on the cover, is barely a part of the story.

And just as I open my big mouth, Catwoman comes upon The Joker's Daughter and frees her from the wax. Why? Because why wouldn't you trust some crazy woman who worships The Joker and wears his face? She'll obviously join you in your plan to destroy the Underground which she wants to rule, right?

Wrong. Did I have to say wrong? You all knew it was wrong, right?

The Joker's Daughter attacks Catwoman and almost burns a grin into her face before Catwoman finds Duela's weakness!

Her testicles?

Judging by my writing ability, I'm fairly certain I have a juvenile, pathetic weakness as well.

Actually, it's The Ugly Cat whom Catwoman believes nobody could ever love. She threatens its life to get The Joker's Daughter to help her. What a fucking jerk! I hate you, Catwoman! You don't deserve the name!

Meanwhile at the big sock hop, Warhog can stand up to Doctor Phosphorus because he's immune to his fireballs. No, wait. He's immune to his "toxic fireballs." But wouldn't he not be immune to the incredible heat generated by the fireballs? How could Ann Nocenti miss such a crucial detail as this?!

Then some other shit happens and Catwoman's trap is set off and everyone is buried and images and hands and whips and shit and it's over somehow. And then the epilogue happens. This epilogue had better end with Catwoman apologizing to Ugly Cat and living happily ever after with it! I might forgive Nocenti if that happens!

That doesn't happen. The epilogue is eight separate panels concluding the stories of all the various characters plus three bonus panels for that "The End?" with a question mark feeling. Let's go over them, shall we?

Panel One: A raven flies off with one of Doctor Phosphorus's Gembombs. Big fucking deal. That just steals the thunder of the final "The End?" triptych!

Panel Two and Three: Doctor Phosphorus mourns his dead daughter, Princess Clambake. Cake mourns his dead father, Warhog. I guess that means the families can now only be joined in marriage if Doctor Phosphorus marries Cake.

Panel Four: The idiots in the bunker realize they've been locked in with no women. They say, "Without women there will be no children. We didn't build a safehouse, we built a trap. We're all going to die." You guys do know that even with women, you'll eventually die, right? Or do you have science chemicals to turn children into longevity serums?

Panel Five: The Joker's Daughter grins evilly under the Narration Boxes about not having any women. Oh! Oh! She has a tribe of women! Maybe they can work out a deal if they open up their bunker! I'm sure they'll consider it after every corner of the bunker is a yellow-stained crusty mess.

Panel Six: Ugly Cat says, "RROOOOO." I guess that means Ugly Cat will be back to scratch out Catwoman's eyes for being such a jerko!

Panel Seven: Oh wait. This one is too good. Let me scan it.

"Thanks for going through a shit-ton of fucking trouble to save my life, Catwoman! Thanks for seeming to really care about me a lot, possibly becoming my friend after it's all over. Bye! Bye Catwoman! See you around sometimes probably never fuck you get out!"

Panel Eight: Alice Tesla once again proves she doesn't actually know what the fuck she's doing as she says everybody is safe from the exploding gems. Then that "The End?" thing occurs as Alice assures Catwoman that the right Power Chord will never again be hit ever in a bajillion years. The final panel is a fat lady singing because Ann Nocenti couldn't help herself and the audience member watching the singer says, "Is that the end?" I fucking hope so!

Catwoman #26 Rating: -2 Ranking. This book is just awful. The end?

Larfleeze #6

The Orange Lantern symbol looks like a cute, fat, angry stick figure.

Since a new god named Errata is going to be introduced soon, I have a feeling that everything we've learned so far might wind up being wrong. Her power is probably to footnote any statement to explain how things really happened and how the speaker has gotten it wrong. I wonder if every sentence out of Errata's mouth will begin with "actually"?

The Orange Lanterns continue to argue about what to do with Larfleeze. Without Larfleeze to tell them what to do, they're useless! I mean, they're fun to look at but don't ask them what toppings they want on the pizza you're ordering. Once again, the issue begins with the Orange Lanterns making sure to call each other by name so that the reader remembers them for the next ten minutes while the reader finishes the comic book. I have a feeling no matter how many times I read "Sound Dancer," I'm still going to refer to her as "No-face Korean Ghost Monster."

Larfleeze haz revelations.

How do actual comic book reviewers review comic books without vomiting all over themselves? I really want to know because I'm tired of doing laundry! How does Melissa Grey over at IGN write "Though details are sparse, the mood evoked by the segment's visuals paints a vivid picture" without holding her empty Starbucks Iced Tea cup firmly on the desk and smashing her head down into the straw to give herself a quick lobotomy? She ends her review with "The intrigue of the book's first few pages loses steam, and one can't help but wonder how the present day's events will circle back to reclaim it." I remember writing things like this at 4:36 A.M. on the day a paper was due and then keeping the line preserved in a notebook entitled "Perfect Ways to End Papers." I should search for more examples of reviewers writing things that I can't write so that it doesn't look like I'm singling out Melissa but I'm a lazy asshole. It's probably a compliment that I chose Melissa's review! Not a compliment from me, of course! A compliment from Lord Google that he listed her review first when I looked up "Batwoman Reviews."

Being a comic book reviewer has got to be a tough job. It would drive me crazy to have to think up new and entertaining ways to talk about how the art brings the book to life or made my eyes bleed or caused me to remember that week I spent crying, locked up in my room because my cat had been hit by a car. At least Melissa is making a review as interesting as she can. I'd probably just submit, "How high does the numerical rating system go? 10? Then this was like a 6.2 or something. There was punching."

No, seriously! I wasn't having a go at Melissa! I was trying to point out something lacking in myself! I just can't write actual reviews of things. I can type out the thoughts I have as I read a comic book. But that's not even close to giving somebody else a brief synopsis of the quality of the comic book without spoiling the fuck out of it. Maybe I should just apologize.

I'm sorry, Melissa. To make it up to you, I'll purchase your book, The Girl at Midnight, when it's available. And I promise not to review it because I'm a dick and an asshole and that probably wouldn't go very well, no matter how truly amazing the book is.

I don't even know why I bother to try to explain myself when the internet just wants to believe what it wants to believe no matter how much I try to over-explain myself! Usually I just don't try to explain myself because however somebody interprets something you say, that's what they're going to believe you said no matter how many times you tell them they got it wrong and that they're fucking idiots.

Okay. Back to selfishness! A topic I'm having a bit of trouble understanding but at least the art in this comic book evokes a magic night on mushrooms playing with the fairy people only to wake up in a wet field the next day covered in smashed and stinking fairy people. Also, fairy people are actually cow manure.

Oh! I get it now! This review stuff is easy!

Like Ahab suddenly realizing the giant fish is made of sterner stuff than his glorious ship, Larfleeze lost his power to his underlings when they took his ring and made him a slave! But even more like a reviewer that never actually finished reading Moby Dick but likes to pretend that he has read it and understood every aspect of it completely, Larfleeze regains his power and strikes down all those that would point out he's gotten the entirety of the theme wrong. STRIKES THEM DOWN DEAD! DEAD! DEAD!

Pulsar Stargrave and The Wanderer visit The Council of Ten's Space Headquarters.

Only nine of the Council can be seen in the above panel so maybe the tenth one will silently rise up behind Pulsar and The Wanderer. And Pulsar will say, "Really? That's your enemy? Those big fat moldy old disgusting sarcophagus people?" And The Wanderer will grimace and flick her eyes back behind them. And Pulsar will say, "Are we really doing this cliche say something bad about someone who happens to be standing right behind me scene?"

Pulsar learns that there are only nine members in the Council of Ten, so I guess I was wrong about the stupid talking about somebody standing behind you scene. Which is good because how many times are we, as an audience, going to have to suffer through that fucking shit? I think the Writer's Guild should make a law that that joke can only be used in shows meant for children under twelve. Because they're the only ones who haven't seen it dozens of times already.

The Wanderer wants to infiltrate the Council of Ten which probably means climbing inside one of them. But since The Council of Ten is still looking for a tenth member, I'm hoping they choose Larfleeze. Or Cheeks the Toy Wonder. Who, I have to state angrily, can not be created in Scribblenauts Unmasked.

I guess that will work as well. Well, not as well since my plan is obviously the most superior plan. But their plan will do. I suppose.

Back to Larfleeze, I guess his gigantic orange explosion that decimated the planet didn't kill any of the previously dead ex-Orange Lanterns after he stole their rings and their was no way they could protect themselves. I think the cartoony art is supposed to prepare the reader for Looney Tunes type situations like this! Also it's a comic book and not reality which I keep forgetting. Anyway, Larfleeze has an ultimatum for his ex-Orange Lanterns. Or possibly a penultimatum.

What does Larfleeze care which they choose? Once he kills them, he'll have them as an orange construct again! Way to take a stupid stand, Clypta!

Larfleeze doesn't kill them and he doesn't make slaves of them. He just ditches them on their dead planet and heads off to find his butler. Even though it seems hopeless that the ex-Orange Lanterns will find rescue in an infinite universe, I have a feeling some kind of cosmic coincidence will happen their way and pick them up in his space taxi.

Larfleeze #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. I've been hoping for a more whimsical, humorous book to hit The New 52 on a regular basis but this just hasn't been it. Not at all. I like the look of the book but I'm not finding it very funny. It sometimes feels like it's getting more interesting by evoking visual mood evocations, but then it loses steam and leaves one wondering how events will chug back around to pick up the interest that it forgot to take with it. CHOOOOO! CHOOOOO!

Red Lanterns #26

If the Red Lanterns were drawn to irrational anger wherever it occurs in the universe, they'd spend all of their time at fast food drive-thrus.

Do Red Lanterns need to recharge their rings if they don't make light constructs? And if they don't make light constructs, does that mean they're not tapping the emotional spectrum? If that's the case then they're the only Lantern Corps that is fit to serve as Guardians of the Universe (if you buy into Relic's hypothesis and if they give up trying to replicate Rankorr's abilities). I suppose their rings work somewhat differently and tap straight into the emotional spectrum, pumping Red Light into the bodies of the Red Lanterns on a continual basis. Which would probably make them the worst wasters of emotional spectrum energy! Perhaps energy from the emotional spectrum is simply used up whenever anybody has strong emotions of any kind. Which would make Hal Jordan the worst waster of emotional energy as he willfully disregards the right, just, and non-selfish path to be taken in every single circumstance in his life.

That has nothing to do with this comic book because what the fuck do the Red Lanterns care about wasting emotional energy? And anyways, Peak Emotion is a myth at best and a huge con job at worst, perpetrated by arrogant, know-it-all scientists that are obviously making up everything just to get their hands on government grant money. If we're so low on emotional energy, how come I got so mad at my neighbor's kid yesterday that I stole his soccer ball, drew his face on it with a permanent marker, and fucked it straight in the eye? If we were running out of emotional energy, I probably would have just rolled my eyes and kept watching Judge Judy. Fucking scientists.

It is telling, though, that the people who blame scientists for being greedy, selfish narcissists are themselves greedy, selfish narcissists. People tend to live in a world where they automatically assume that everybody ultimately reacts the same way as they do and have the same needs and desires as they have. That's why I tend to believe that everybody hates Scott Lobdell, that they're all gorgeous geniuses, and that they all frequently engage in frank discussions about masturbation. The Non-Certified Spouse says that I give people the benefit of the doubt way too often. That's because I'm projecting my own superior being onto everyone I meet! Whenever I greet somebody, I say, "So, you must be an amazing lover." Then I glance down to see how strong their forearms look.

No wonder I always fall behind on my comic book reading. Why can't I stay on topic?

So, as you can see by the cover, The Red Lanterns had been captured by some jerk named Gensui. Except the cover shows Zilius Zox also captured (if you squint just right, you'll see him right behind Bleez!) and he isn't at all captured! He's upgrading the Red Lantern's ship with some super special upgrade that I bet is some kind of remote control doodad so that the ship can fly in to rescue them right before the firing squad kills them!

The Red Lanterns are captured in a Chill Field which gives Gensui a moment to explain to them the tricks of his trade.

If it was the fancy mustaches, 85% of the population in Portland would be dictators.

I have now taken some night-time sleepy time cough medicine so I hope I can make it through the entire issue before nodding off.

Zilius Zox skedaddles in Pirate Barg's ship, probably to go off and do it to his horse. But Gensui decides to go Full Empire on Zilius Zox's ass and demonstrate his Cosmic Death Weapon on Zox and Barg's ship. Barg is not very happy about this turn of events. But what can he do? He isn't going to betray his best friend just for some ship, right? He's no leader of a cloud mining colony that has gambling debts he needs to pay off! He'll probably just sit back and accept that he's Gensui's little bitch.

Gensui blasts Zilius Zox's teeny, tiny pub-shaped ship but not before Zox fists it with his ring hand. I bet that will get it moving!

Meanwhile on Goswam, Atrocitus fucks a giant in the ear.

After supposedly killing Zilus Zox, Gensui gives the command to kill the rest of the Red Lanterns. Except for Ratchet, they all take death in stride. Ratchet's ring seems to be wanting to abandon him, probably because he's been having kind and altruistic thoughts. Now it's going to leave him for sure because he's sacrificed himself to save the rest of the Red Lanterns as he blocks all the gunfire with his tentacles and his face. And that's when Zilius Zox returns with his fist up the ass of a star ship, blasting away at Gensui's army and saving the day! After Ratchet saved the day, of course. But Ratchet's Day Save didn't fully take because the guards still had more ammunition in their gun and Ratchet only has so much surface area with which to block bullets.

If I were writing this comic book, the ship would eventually gain Artificial Intelligence and it would have a huge crush on Zilius Zox.

Zox destroys the weapon that was producing the Happy Go Lucky Field around the Red Lanterns so that they can return to flipping the fuck out. Pirate Barg runs away because he probably has some secret means to reboard his ship so that he can cause trouble later. And Bleez kills Gensui because he's a weak-willed jerko that would rather not kill all the slaves on the planet and die quickly than kill them all and be tortured by the Red Lanterns for as long as their attention span holds out.

Speaking of attention spans which may or may not have anything to do with the next bit (depending on how you perceive shit), whatever happened to the female Czarnian Red Lantern? She just stopped being drawn in the background and then all the Red Lanterns died from Poisoned Red Energy and/or Relic and/or The Insatiables or whatever the fuck the creatures living under Ysmault's surface were called. How the fuck am I supposed to remember fucked up on cough medicine? Not that I'd remember anyway.

Ratchet dies from his wounds and he gives a really heart-felt and touching speech which I considered scanning but he speaks it in a much smaller font than the rest of the comic book and he makes sure to place his speech bubbles as far apart as he can in a panel that stretches the entire length of a page. That means even if I scan it, it would probably be really hard to read. So I'll just summarize what he said here:

"Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you! Never gonna make you cry! Never gonna say goodbye! Never gonna tell a lie and hurt..KKKKTT!"

That "KKKKTT" noise at the end was the death rattle sound effect of a brainy blob of tentacles. So sad.

Back on Goswam, Atrocitus comes inside the giant's head and the giant dies.

Red Lanterns #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't wait to see who Ratchet's ring chooses as the new Red Lantern! I bet it'll be some super villain from Earth because that would be exciting and the Red Lanterns could use more people from Earth, right? Maybe it'll choose a puppy! No, puppies don't have rage. Perhaps a Gerbil?

Batwoman #26

This gives me a good idea for a performance art piece! Go to a museum with a box of big, hairy spiders and just begin throwing them into people's hair. It's a commentary on how hard it is to appreciate art when there is a spider crawling on you. It will really make people think and nod their heads profoundly after they're done screaming and I explain the nature of the piece to them in a fifteen page manifesto. Which actually makes me think maybe all I need is the manifesto and I can drop the spider throwing bit? No, no. How are stupid, boring words going to get media attention?! Gotta go with the spiders! I mean, the art!

Any visual art that needs a letter of intent or a manifesto or a long-winded explication of the piece by the artist is not visual art. It's an artistic idea or maybe, with a little actual work, an essay or a nice piece of writing. But a lot of upcoming artists want to be seen as Artists with a capital "A" and profound and creative without putting in actual hard, difficult, passionate work. Which is why they strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix. Because it's a striking image with familiar yet disparate objects placed in a way you'd never expect them to be placed. So it must mean something crazy smart, right? But just because a few people can jerk their art minds off all over the faces of other people rabid to join in on the conversation, it doesn't make it art. Many definitions of art exist so, yes, technically that poor fucking crucified cat is art. But my definition of art is deeply concerned with intent. The intent should be a passionate intensity, a fire out of control, an obsession that cannot be sated. If the main intent is ego, if it's for you, the artist, to be acknowledged as a tremendous talent, as the brightest mind on the block, as an up and coming superstar, I'd really question whether art is being created. If the art is the means to an end, it's a bastardization, a Frankenstein's Monster, a piece of shit covered in gold. I'm not saying the two aren't incompatible. Artists invariably want people to appreciate what they do. But it really depends on who's in the saddle. Is it the art or the artist? I'd say the artist needs to be the horse, mute about their work, letting the work stand alone. But that's probably really difficult in current times with instant fame and a massive audience waiting on the internet to possibly viralize your every thought. In most cases, neither the art nor the artist is in the saddle. It's the audience.

Although when I think about it a bit, I suppose just writing "strap a tampon to a cat and hang it from a crucifix" is a fuck-ton easier than actually creating that piece! I'd say whoever put that together was an artist willing to suffer for their work because that cat is not going up there without a fucking fight. Although if they succumbed to the lure of explaining the piece, I'd change my position and take away their artist credit! Yes, I'm a fickle, judgmental bitch. Also a hater. And I'm an Artist with a capital "A"! But I'm mostly a performance artist and most of my performances take place alone and most of them involve masturbation. But my art is full of passion! So there! In your face, you stupid critics who completely panned my gallery appearance last year! Luckily my piece only lasted the briefest of moments so just a few critics experienced it. But they were very mean and critical of my performance. And they might have been prostitutes.

Last time we saw Batwoman and it wasn't five years ago, she was about to kick Batman's ass. But I guess that was all a fucking dream or something. Anyway, this issue begins in 1929 so it doesn't really matter anyway, does it? Back in 1929, some brave, strong young man hangs himself amidst a bunch of paintings. The next day a boy on the street waved a newspaper around yelling, "Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Reversal of Fortune! Art Hangs Artist! The Mystery of the Century! Extree! Extree!"

Back in the future, Wolf Spider (no relation to Bane's Wolf Spider, I'm guessing, because Bane's Wolf Spider is dead. I think) is stealing really shitty art.

See?! The artist couldn't even be bothered to draw in the faces! Rookie mistake!

Later at some social event (perhaps Kate and Maggie's engagement party?), Kate Kane shows her ignorance as her friend Evan Blake discusses a depression era painting by Eisenstadt about how the Waynes were destroying the city. It's truly embarrassing for her and I'm not sure I can continue to like her after she reveals she's never seen Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Shame on her. There are some movie classics that transcend time and special effects and it's every citizen's duty to seek them out and learn from them. In thirty years, people will probably be referencing The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift as a classic of a bygone age and you won't want to be the only one in the room not able to discuss its homoerotic themes, imperialistic undertones, and how it portrays mankind's everlasting struggle between the belief in the power of oneself and the belief that there is an omnipotent being directing everything one does.

Kate and Evan have been friends since high school where they bearded each other. Evan is concerned that he might be a target for the art thief that killed a collector the previous night. Because the artist stole an Eisenstadt and Evan owns one! I can tell that they're by the same artist because the artist forgot the faces in both paintings! Eventually Bette makes an appearance and Evan heads off to impress his guests with his knowledge of Gremlins II: The New Batch.

Oh Bette. Stop being so adorable.

I said stop!

Bette talks Batwoman into hitting the streets of Gotham where a good ass-kicking is guaranteed any night of the week. Bette also drops a clue about Batwoman's fight with Batman and their Alice rescue mission and their chess game against Director Bones and Cameron Chase and the rest of the DEO. You know, the story that never got an ending? Well apparently the finale will be told in an Annual in April! Perfect! I mean, the perfect amount of time for me to forget everything that was happening so that I won't fucking care anymore.

Who am I kidding? Of course I'll care! Batman versus Batwoman!

It's a good thing they go out too because Evan Blake's apartment is being robbed by Wolf Spider even as I type this! Good thing he purchased a Waynetech Home Security Silent Alarm! I guess Evan wasn't rich enough to purchase the Waynetech Double Plus Good Super Duper High Tech Home Security Silent Bat-Alarm because the Security Call Center is calling the Gotham Police instead of The Goddamned Batman. Evan does get lucky though and Batwoman intercepts the alert. I bet he'll wind up having to pay extra for that.

I tried warning you, Bette. If you'd had something other than huge jets of fire at your offensive disposal, you might have been able to do something without worrying about burning your friend's home down.

Batwoman, stealing a page from Batman's play book, breaks Wolf Spider's jaw. But then he pretends to give up and Batwoman does something Batman never does: relents! Instead of beating him to a nice, pasty, pulpy, barely-breathing mess, she hesitates when he gives himself up and winds up with a face full of poison barbs. But that's just the beginning! Because after that, Wolf Spider kicks her off the balcony on the 32nd floor. Whoops! I bet if she hadn't burnt her bridges with Batman, he might appear to save her. I guess she'll just have to save herself. She probably has one of those Bat-Grapples built into her suit. Plus she has a sidekick! Isn't sacrificing their lives so that the hero can live a sidekick's number one job? Come on, Bette! Get on with it already! Throw your life away so that Batwoman can live!

Batwoman #26 Rating: No change. I'm a bit disappointed that DC fucked with the finish to the Batwoman versus Batman story arc. But the art goes a long way to making me forget that a two year story line was one month away from being completed when DC abandoned it. Plus the character moments were well done this issue. I feel this had the right amount of Batwoman battling and Kate Kane enjoying some down time. Now if only all of the comic books could figure out that balance, I'd be about 7% happier with the books I'm reading.

A.R.G.U.S. #3

Keep him away from that child!

Last issue, Steve Trevor inexplicably survived a battle with Deathstork Deathstroke. Too bad the comic book is from the point of view of Steve Trevor instead of Deathstroke or else we could have gotten another entry in Deathstroke's War Journal!

Steve Trevor returned to ARGUS Headquarters, sending the President and Candy on a picnic on/with Fiddler's Green. And then he went to look at himself in a magic mirror he was storing for safe keeping for Wonder Woman. It's one of those mirrors that makes you pay for asking questions in it. And Steve already owes it for something. Probably for making Wonder Woman fall out of love with him because he knew it was only holding her back. And when he yelled at her that one time at the amusement park and told her he doesn't love her and to go away, scat!, Git!, she didn't listen. She just laughed at his antics and shoved more cotton candy in her face.

Also, Dr. Light has returned from heaven and he's accidentally burning up ARGUS Agents. Enh, it happens.

And with all that going on, it's the perfect time to see what was happening five years ago on one of Steve Trevor and Diana Prince's dates!

What's the best way to cook a khalkotauroi? Now I feel like I need to come up with a punch line.

This was the moment that Steve Trevor told Wonder Woman he would be working with a new government agency called ARGUS. Diana points out to Steve what I've been pointing out all along: Argus was the name of a hundred eyed beast that could see everyone and everything. Somebody in the government is too smart for their own good, putting the purpose of the organization right there in the acronym while pretending the agency is doing something else. This memory is currently being stolen by one of the witches from the mirror Steve Trevor visited at the end of the last issue. But this memory is just payment for last time. I imagine he'll have to pay up front for his next favor. I have no idea what kinds of favors these witches grant. Prophecy? Magic artifacts? Clockwork owls? Four hour erections?

Oh, did we know that Stever Trevor's middle name was Howard? That's perfect. His initials are SHT! Ha ha! Steve's parents were assholes.

Steve negotiates with the witches and it sounds like he's going to give up his greatest memory to find out what happened to Diana! I bet that memory is the first time he caught a glance of a girl's underwear! Oh sweet cherished mistake! Favorable breeze! Skirt of lightest materials! Just a flash! Just a second! But what a sweet sight! The newness of arousal! The heartbreaking crush! The lurid, inexpressible thoughts! All this from his first brief glimpse of the forbidden!

The witches show Trevor that the lost heroes have been subsumed by Firestorm. But he does not know where to find Firestorm! But the witches must be under the thrall of ancient magics which do not allow them to take overpayment for information. He has offered them the world with his young memory of glimpsing panties, so they teleport him to a location where he can find Firestorm. Or at least find his trail.

Martin Stein and Killer Frost? That should do it.

Luckily Trevor brought a magic fire blade to defend himself. You know, if Steve Trevor would be willing to listen to Killer Frost for a moment, couldn't they work out a deal? Couldn't she feed on the heat of the magic blade? Or does she have to kiss a living being to warm herself up? I guess I'll find out after a one page diversion into The Green Room.

Etta learns that the keeper of The Green Room, Mr. Green, is a founding member of ARGUS. He's going to explain over a cup of tea. And that's all you get in one page! Back to the action!

Well, the action ends when Martin Stein shoots Frost in the stomach with a shotgun. It's at that point that they all begin to talk and realize they're all interested in finding Firestorm. If only everybody would drop these "hero" and "villain" labels, more conversations might begin with "What can I do for you?" as opposed to a punch in the face.

So Martin Stein, Genius, explains the situation in a way that even Steve Trevor can understand.

He's a scientist, not an artist! He's also pretty shitty at analogies.

Meanwhile, Firestorm is just where I said he'd be! In a lab somewhere with Deathstorm trying to convince him to teach him how to make Kryptonite. Jason was lost inside the Firestorm Matrix with everybody else but Ronnie Raymond is a floating, disembodied head. How do you like being the guy in the back seat, Ronnie? Not too fun, is it?

Double meanwhile with cherries on top, Doctor Light appears in Los Angeles where he's greeted by a new Super Secret Agency: The Crimson Men!

A.R.G.U.S. #3 Rating: No change. It's interesting to see the development of each of the Forever Evil mini-series and to see what part of the overall Forever Evil story each one is responsible for. So ARGUS is dealing with finding Firestorm and freeing the Justice Leagues. I think Justice League Dark is being kept somewhere else, probably The Project, so that's all going down in The Blight. Also in The Blight series, we now have Deadman as Sea King, so he'll probably get close to the Syndicate. Over in Rogues Rebellion we have...well, I don't know exactly what's going on there. Or Arkham War! Maybe they'll just be crazy off-shoots of the overall story and not be critical to how it all ends. Or maybe I'm just not very observant or I'm rushing through my thoughts right now because I need to get dinner in the oven in time to cook and eat it before I have to rush off to work.

Justice League Dark #26

I'm going to pretend that I don't know what the Sea King just did to them but their gaping mouths tell the story all too well.

Last issue of the Blight Crossover, the Mini-Justice League Dark cast a spell that allowed them to all die but not be dead somehow at the same time. Being killed kept them from being killed. It's magic! It's complicated and/or irrational! Like praying! Except praying is acceptable because people have been taught to accept it while magic is scary because people have been taught not to accept it! I suppose the other difference is that people don't like to think that they have any power within themselves, so magic is arrogant and blasphemous. But prayer is okay because you're just asking for a super-being to do magic which is okay somehow.

I'm also now wishing that the Justice League Dark had a nemesis named Blasphemouse! He could be a humanoid mouse that casts black magic and shouts things like "Jesus sucks dick!" and "God lives in my asshole!" Boy, that mouse really is blasphemous! Saying stuff like that! What a jerk!

This issue, I predict the Sea King will make me yawn eighteen times! Except if he's the opposite of Aquaman then that makes him cool and really likeable! It also makes him the opposite of taciturn, whatever that is. Is it perky? I think it's perky! It's hard to know for sure when I don't really know the definition of taciturn! I do know that it's making me hungry for tacos. How come the breakfast burrito exists but not the breakfast taco? That kind of pisses me off a little bit.

While John and the Mini-Justice League Dark float about in their Dead Space wondering how being dead can give them the advantage over Blight, Blight appears to recap what has happened so far in this crossover. I thought that being dead was going to give them an advantage because Blight wouldn't know their consciousnesses were still extant somewhere. But I guess I'm an idiot and there is some other advantage they've gained by dying. Because Blight sure as poop knows they can still here him because he's taunting the sexual intercourse out of them.

Although John meets Deadman while dead and he shouldn't be here because he's trapped in Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. So this must be that side effect that was hinted at last issue. They're just reliving their deaths over and over again. So Helpful, Synopsis-Giving Blight was probably just an illusion of some sort. Just like Deadman. And probably everybody so far except John! Because this is John's head's death hallucination! I wonder if his body gets its own vision?

If I ever lose my head, nobody cremate me! I might just be in a mystic coma!

Constantine makes a joke about Deadman being alive and then threatens to go after Boston Brand alone. Maybe he's still in the thrall of the Mark of the Dun-Kon-Wen! I bet Justice League Dark runs for 250 issues before a new writer comes on board and begins a story line where they all wake up from their real mystic coma and the past 225 issues were all hallucinations and dreams. Also, that future writer is a smart-ass dick!

The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen ditch the Mini-Justice League Dark to look for The Babysitter. The others confirm that Deadman was not a hallucination and Pandora determines where he is. So the group goes all Bedknobs and Broomsticks to find him.

Except it's a bit more like Whaleknobs and Fishdicks.

The Mini-Justice League Dark discover the Atlantis before Atlantis, a place called Nan Madol. It's probably some place mentioned in some Young Adult Fantasy Book or was made up by Coast to Coast "experts" on Edgar Cayce. I'll ask Lord Google about it.

Lord Google informs me that it is an actual place located somewhere that is not America so it really doesn't matter much. But many legends surround it and one of those is that it is "identified with R'lyeh, the sunken city in which Cthulhu reputedly lies, 'Dead, but dreaming' in the H.P. Lovecraft short story 'The Call of Cthulhu.'" Other people with names I don't recognize connect it to Mu and Lemuria which is why Constantine mentions those lost continents. He calls them all myth which seems silly since he knows so much about magic. You'd think Constantine would be one of those people that believes a little bit in everything. How else do you cast a spell that allows you to survive being decapitated and just trust that you'll be okay?

What they find in Nan Madol is the Sea King possessed by the ancient magic of the city. He also might be a little bit possessed by Deadman. But the Mini-Justice League Dark will probably have to drive out the forces of Nan Madol from The Sea King's head before Deadman can free himself.

Things escalate quickly.

Looks like the zombified version of The Trench story is about to take place.

Pandora lets Constantine know that The Sea King is also Deadman which should have been obvious to Constantine. Maybe he's still a little groggy from the decapitation earlier. Or the pressure of the ocean is making it hard to think straight, what with his brain and other organs being crushed by the weight of the water.

On the surface, The Sea King and his Water Zombies attack a boat full of white people. So I guess this legendary Nan Madol isn't located where the non-legendary Nan Madol is since it's in Micronesia. I suppose that doesn't rule out the possibility of a fishing boat full of white people who love to talk about their wives' blue eyes but it seems it would be more likely if fantasy Nan Madol were located closer to the shores of the United States. So I'm going to pretend it's a few miles off the coast of Seattle.

Before the Sea King can discover how much the air-breathing citizens of Earth love mocking his counterpart, Constantine puts a magic knife in his head and drives out the spirits of Nan Madol. That leaves Boston Brand in control of The Sea King's body. Now is he going to go undercover with The Crime Syndicate where he'll find out that Superwoman's baby is actually his?! You just know that Aquaman is always at the top of Lois Lane's Celebrity Fuck List.

Constantine was too thick to realize Boston was inside The Sea King but he never misses an opportunity for a good con! And what better guy to go undercover than Boston Brand? Again. Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

The final page is a bit of a preview of what The Phantom Stranger has been up to. What else but betrayal? He's joined forces with The Blight and there's no way he's faking it or conning The Blight at all! He's definitely turned traitor! Again! Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

Justice League Dark #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least they didn't battle the Blight the entire time! And I'm glad that they set up infiltrating The Crime Syndicate with Dead Sea King. Oh man, I am so excited for the revelation that Sea King is actually the father of Superwoman's baby!

Justice League #26

I hope we get Power Ring's origin story this issue! I want to see the Moth Monk Volthoom!

I've just been singing, to the tune of "Brand New Key," "I've got a great big bag of candy, you've got a bag of poo."

It looks like this issue takes place immediately after Forever Evil #4 when Sinestro decided to crash the party. You can't see Batman and Catwoman here but they're around someplace. Unless Batman got what he needed and has already Mother Boxed the fuck out of here.

Instead of getting Power Ring's origin, we get a brief synopsis of Grid's origin. It's just as boring as you'd expect an origin about a robot would be. He was like a spark or something and then he wanted to be a real boy and then he learned he wasn't and never could be and now he's angry. The end!

It turns out Grid has been downloading files about the Crime Syndicate via the mobile servers in Owlman's outfit. He's already learned about Ultraman and Owlman's origins (the last two issues!) and now he hopes to learn more about another being! Oh boy! I hope it's Power Ring! Please let it be Power Ring. He's got to be on the cover for some reason, right? And he's the most connected to feelings!

At first I thought the "sktch sktch sktch" sound effects were Jordan masturbating.

Yay! Power Ring! And it looks like he's being tapped to bomb the shit out of Nanda Parbat for Boston Brand. Which means he'll probably crash there and be taken in by the Moth Monk Volthoom who will trick him into wearing the cursed ring in retaliation for bombing Volthoom's country. Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Yep, yep. It's the "or something." Harold Jordan has been spying on Ferris and selling their secrets. He's about to get his ass kicked by Carol's dad when the Ring chooses him because he's the easiest being on the planet to control and the biggest sucker to boot.

Um, no. I think I'll pass. Thanks for the opportunity though, melty alien dude!

Jordan can't resist the ring for long and allows it to graft itself to his finger. Then it insists that he charge it which consists of opening a pocket dimension with a Lovecraftian beast that fucks Jordan's arm until the ring is fully charged. The creature is probably what moths actually look like but we can only see a limited amount of them due to our being stuck in the third dimension. That's probably why moths look, to us, as if they're fluttering around chaotically. We can only see a small aspect of them. If we could see in the number of dimensions that moths exist within, their movement would make sense and we would become gibbering sacks of tears and moans, covered in our newly released fecal matter. Fucking moths.

Grid decides that story didn't give him a chubby, so he moves on to learn the origin of Johnny Quick and Atomica.

Even on Earth 3, all interactions with Speedsters result in speed-related puns! Except they're not called "puns" on Earth 3. They're called "witticisms."

Atomica saves Johnny from these rogue cops by smashing a truck into the police van. I bet Johnny will kill and then urinate on them. And while he's urinating on them, he'll be struck by lightning resulting in Speed Force Powers! Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Once again, it's the "or something." The struck by lightning part is still the same but no urination. And it happens atop STAR Labs so they both get different powers due to being affected by different STAR Labs experiments. But they still love each other and Grid somehow begins to believe that love is important and that maybe he can learn it. No, no. Grid, it's not important at all. It's really just a time sink! You won't be able to work on any of your World Destroying Projects once you get in a relationship. And you can't be completely honest anymore! You have to hide the horrible, awful, disgusting person you really are or else the person you love will throw up and leave you!

The next to last Crime Syndicate member Grid needs to learn about is Professor Martin Stein, Deathstorm.

So Stein was working for The Hostage, was he? I still think it's Lex Luthor since he's trying to save the world.

Stein eventually merges himself with a corpse because that somehow seemed like a good idea. So that's where the "death" part of his name comes from. But why the "storm" part? Because he rains down death upon the living?

Superwoman's files were deleted so we don't get to learn how Lois Lane became Superwoman. My guess (and you've seen how good my guesses have been so far!) is that she gained her powers by a steady diet of Kryptonian Semen. That's probably right on. No need to find those lost files, Grid!

Meanwhile, somebody says "Soon." to The Hostage and he smiles through his sack. And over in STAR Labs, Silas Stone has somehow performed a second miracle in his short life! Although it's the same miracle where he saved his son from certain death. But I think the second miracle took better than the first one because his son seems far more optimistic this time.

I wonder if Cyborg will request a horse penis since his father has to totally rebuild him anyway.

Justice League #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's one ranking for every origin. Johnny Quick and Atomica's origin counts as one! And I didn't count Grid's because he's a robot and I'm against all forms of Artificial Intelligence. If God had wanted robots to think, he would have given them that ability when he created the world. Also, he would have created robots.