Damian (Son of Batman) #2

This comic is called Damian (S.O.B.) Ha ha!

This book smells really nice. Just open the cover and shove your nose in there. MMMM! Get a good whiff of that! So yummy! No eBook reader can replicate that shit!

Damian (Son of Batman) #2 Rating: The pages still feel funny. I hope Jaeger-Bomber still wants to do a real review of this book because this as much as I'm doing. Fuck, I haven't even read it yet. I've just huffed it for twenty seconds and wrote this!

A.R.G.U.S. #2

"Battles" is pretty optimistic. I'd have chosen "is barely noticed by". Or maybe "creates a minor annoyance for". Perhaps "is killed messily by"?

Last issue, Candy Etta's digital wrist watch informed her that Steve Trevor's heart had stopped. That totally makes sense since just before it came to that conclusion, Steve Trevor ran into Deathstroke the Terminator. His name has a couple of hints in it as to why he might be dangerous. Maybe more than a couple!

But since this issue begins with Steve Trevor still alive and shooting Copperhead in the fangs, I have a feeling Candy Etta's digital wrist watch is malfunctioning. It could be that the sudden appearance of Doctor Light's Ghost created an EMP that fucked it hard. EMP stands for Ectoplasmic Mega-Penis. So now Etta Candy thinks Trevor is dead instead of "fighting" Deathstroke. You know why I put quotes around fighting.

And? And what? Die young?

Next thing you know, well actually, the next thing you know is whatever I want to type, isn't it? Since you're reading this right now, I'm in control of the very next thing you know! Ha ha! I'm in total control! Except I can't get you to do weird stuff, can I? Can I? Touch your butt. Oh, come on! Nobody's looking! Just touch it! Oh, never mind! I don't want to imagine you doing it if you're going to have that expression on your face! The next thing that happens is Blockbuster breaks through a wall and saves Steve Trevor's life by choking him half to death. You see, Deathstroke was about to choke him full to death.

If I lived in a comic book, I think I would get a job doing drywall. Just about every major city has a problem with villains and heroes crashing through walls. Skylight salesman is probably a fairly profitable business too. I'm almost certain Bruce Wayne invests in it which is why Batman chooses to break as many as he possibly can every night.

The room that Steve Trevor crashes through contains, I think, Nightshade holding some agents and the president hostage. Speaking of Nightshade, whatever happened to her appearance in Suicide Squad? I think it was her. Wasn't it her? Did that story ever have an ending? Where they fought the giant made out of corpses and shit? Wow, my memory is atrocious! I think she just made an appearance as a head agent in whatever shadowy cabal she was working for and then skedaddled.

Anyway, it's not Nightshade. It's Shadow Thief. I guess she only hates alien races coming to Earth and not citizens of other Earths coming to Earth. And she's only here to shield Deathstroke and Copperhead and Blockbuster from a huge explosion caused by Steve Trevor so he can get the president away. The president doesn't explode, for what it's worth. I think because he's too important.

I'm going to use this plan at Christmas.

The President asks Trevor where the Justice League is as if he didn't expect to get any other answer than "Need to Know." I bet the President hears that all the time. The first briefing the President probably gets after being sworn into office is, "You probably think you're the most important person in the Western Hemisphere now, don't you? Well, you're not. Who is? Need to know. How many more people are important than you? Need to know. Need to know anything? Need to know. Just get used to not asking questions, Sir."

Meanwhile, Killer Frost is somewhere (Philly?) in an alley trying to figure out where her next meal is going to come from. Firestorm used to keep her well fed with his atomic blasts but now she's struggling worse than Lestat when he refused to feed on people. Or maybe Angel. I think Angel is more timely! But luckily for Killer Frost, a new meal ticket has come along!

"Jeffrey! Jeffrey! Get away from those lesbians!"

Killer Frost wanders off to eventually suck Deathstorm dry. Or maybe she'll encase him in ice so that he's in some kind of stasis where she can sit on his face every day and feed off his energy while he can't do anything but pucker.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor returns to ARGUS headquarters with the President. They send him off to The Green Room which is a panic room "outside of time and space, and nothing will be able to get in while you're there." Except for, maybe, fourth dimensional creatures! As the President wander in, a voice begins talking to him. Is Fiddler's Green the President's emergency hideaway?

Steve locks Etta Candy inside The Green Room as well to protect The President while he goes off to use the Delphi's Mirror to find Wonder Woman. The Delphi's Mirror is located in yet another secret ARGUS room: The Wonder Womb. I mean Room. It's purpose is classified but it looks like a place where he keeps mementos from his time dating Wonder Woman.

Like the Vice Grip Sex Cycle and his Sears Portrait Studio picture of himself and Wonder Woman in the morning.

But the main reason he's back is to talk with the Delphi Witches to get a prophecy. He wants to make a deal with them but it seems like he already owes them for something they helped him with previously. They might demand payment up front this time.

ARGUS #2 Rating: +5 Ranking. Yet another Forever Evil spinoff that's entertaining and works well as a story happening in parallel with the main event. And I suppose I can keep making jokes about Deathstroke easily defeating Steve Trevor or I can change up my bias and wrap my head around the fact that Steve Trevor might just be a huge badass motherfucker. I mean, why else would Wonder Woman date him? You know why she went after Superman, right? Because he's fucking Vanilla Pudding. Mister Nice Guy. Goody Two Shoes. Captain Safety. Which means Wonder Woman probably just got out of a relationship with a kinky ass tough guy. I think I can believe the guy Wonder Woman dated before she dated Superman could go toe to toe for a few rounds with Deathstroke. But only a few rounds! He's dead after that.

Aquaman #25

Last issue, Aquaman found out that The Trench were one of the races descended from the Ancient Atlanteans. So now Aquaman needs to do some serious apologizing for collapsing the entrance to their kingdom and banishing them to the depths of the ocean without any food. Unless he threw some Hostess Snack Cakes into the deep sea hole with them to calm them down and save the day. I might be confusing last issue with an advertisement.

This final battle against the Dead King had better be worth the extra dollar DC snuck out of my wallet! At least they aren't charging Batman prices for this issue. What the hell is going on with Snyder's Batman? The last two issues cost about fifteen dollars between them!

Aquaman plans on leading The Trench to battle The Dead King. With The Dead King's scepter, he has power over The Trench so he probably won't need to apologize to them. He'll just use a magic item to manipulate them. Who cares though, right? They're obviously monsters who look so completely different than the Atlanteans and the Xebels that they should be treated like shit. It's not like Aquaman knows how to speak their slimy inkblot language. But Aquaman's main goal doesn't seem to be to defeat the Dead King and take back the throne. Why would it? Aquaman doesn't care about ruling. What Aquaman does care about is finding Mera. She's been missing for six months now while Arthur hung out in Vulko's tent growing a beard.

Enh, she can take care of herself.

Geoff Johns wastes no time having Arthur attack Atlantis because he has to get this shit over with before his replacement writer hits the office. Usually, Johns might spend three or four pages meandering about the ocean showing panel after panel of sea life to remind the reader that this book is about a guy that can breathe underwater. But not this issue! The extra dollar is going toward some big action scenes of Aquaman's army, most of which have been coerced into joining by telekinetic or magic trident means. The only person benefiting from this assault on Atlantis is Aquaman and yet he's brought in The Trench and some Great Whites and some Killer Whales and some Moray Eels and some Manta Rays and some Sturgeon and a few Lemon Party Sharks. They've just been drafted to risk their lives so Aquaman can regain his wife. He's not even going to pay them even though he has sixty billion dollars of sunken treasure at his disposal! You know how many seals a Killer Whale could buy with that kind of cheddar?

I bet "cheddar" for money is rhyming slang somehow!

Also, I was wrong about Geoff Johns getting right to the action. I just counted how many pages were used before the assault which is also the title page: nine! I think that is one page over the additional pages paid for by my extra dollar. So that's why I had to pay more! Now I'll get twenty pages of war story! Okay, maybe ten because we still need ten pages of resolution where Arthur and Mera kiss and they go home to feed Aquadog.

Aquaman frees Mera first thing but then decides to free some other prisoners and save Atlantis since he's, you know, here already but no big deal or nothing. He also makes sure to free the Atlantean prisoners because eventually the army he came with is going to shake off their mind shackles and begin thinking, "Why the fuck am I risking my life for this manipulating bastard?"

How cute. Aquagirl and her gang of assholes are suddenly all sugary sweetness. "Thanks for rescuing us, My King! You were always My King, really! Never once did I look up the meaning of Regicide for use in a future diary entry!"

After freeing his subjects who have rethought their loyalty now that they've gotten a taste of a king who is a real fucking asshole, Arthur finally gets to confront that fucking asshole. First thing they should do is swap tridents! Also, they should switch weapons! That first sentence about swapping was a sexual innuendo!

Yeah! What kind of king enslaves his own people?! You should be enslaving other races and stupid sea creatures, dumb dumb!

Once Atlan realizes the Atlanteans are turning against him and the Xebellions are on the run, he decides to destroy Atlantis once more by smashing it to pieces with his Scepter and sinking it below the ocean's bottom. If he does that, then the Atlanteans are going to have to learn how to breathe magma! It would probably make Aquaman a lot cooler! Atlan the Dead King points out how Arthur is the enemy because he doesn't want The Dead King ruling everything. But Atlan should get a closer look at Aquaman and realize that he's the son of an Atlantean and a Land Mammal. He's the culmination of everything that Atlan believed in when he was king! You know, before his entire family was slaughtered by Arthur's relatives.

Oh hey! It looks like Atlantis might still get the chance to become an awesome city of lava with magma-breathing denizens!

The Dead King and his scepter are melted into oblivion in the lava but Arthur's skin is tough enough that he swims away unharmed. Even his clothing and bandages don't burn off! Those Atlanteans make some tough first aid supplies.

And everybody lived happily ever after. Except Atlan. And Nereus. And all the dead Trench creatures. And the dead sea animals. And probably Vulko who's going back to jail for being a dick. But you're not supposed to concentrate on minor characters in stories like these or else they get a bit too messy. Save that kind of bullshit for your Kurt Vonnegut novels.

And so the ten pages of battle have ended and the ten pages of denouement begin with Arthur and Mera's kiss. Denouement is a fancy word for "cleaning up the mess." I think that's what it literally means in whatever language it is. Lithuanian, I think.

Arthur decides to stay and rule Atlantis even though he fucking hates the job. But he figures he can be happy as long as Mera is with him. But Mera says, "Fuck this bullshit. I'm not responsible for your happiness! You're going to take out your job on me and I'll be miserable and you'll be miserable and I'm not going to take part in this dysfunctional bullshit so I'm going back home to feed the fucking dog."

This break-up reminds me of that part in Elfquest where Skywise says he's going to stay with the castle and Cutter leaves, heartbroken, to take his tribe back to the forest. So my guess is that Mera is going to wind up hanging out at the lighthouse playing with the dog and being sad because her heart has been torn out and Aquaman is going to come riding up on a dolphin and pat her on the back and they'll just smile and not say anything and Mera will give Arthur back his lodestone and everything will be good.

Whoops. I got it backwards!

Aquadog has to stay up on land with his dog-sitter, Jenny, until he can get an operation to have gills implanted in his throat.

There's also a final bit where Nereus destroys the wall of a Land Mammal's house where Orm has been living. Xebellions don't understand doors, I guess. Anyway, he claims he knows where the other Four Sea Kingdoms are and that he, and Orm, should take their places among the other kingdoms as the true Kings of the Seven Seas. And then a blurb says that this story will be concluded in a Justice League event called Rise of the Seven Seas. But aren't the Justice League already involved in a big event?! Or two?! Actually, it's probably a good time to do other stories in the Justice League books that have nothing to do with Forever Evil. Leave the Forever Evil stuff in Forever Evil! Maybe. I guess if Superman dies you can't continue doing stories in Justice League without ruining the surprise that Superman is dead. Maybe they can just leave him out and not have anybody mention him because the pain is still too raw.

Aquaman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just typed "+1 Ranking" and I'm already wondering why I did that! I don't like that Aquaman took the throne. I don't like that Aquadog has been abandoned. I don't like how Arthur feels he can use any fucking sea life for his own selfish purposes! I don't like that Aquaman's super power is talking with fish and being able to live in high pressure environments. I don't like Aquaman! But I enjoyed this issue and think the Death of a King resolution was okay. Although Topo should have gotten a cameo. Where did he disappear to in the last six months?!

Superman #25

Is this cover blurb, "My enemy, my father," supposed to be shocking? Isn't this the case in everyone's life?

Before reading this, I got a notion to search the Scott Lobdell tag on Tumblr. And after reading a bunch of that stuff, I'd like to clarify something: I do not dislike Scott Lobdell's writing because of how he changed the characters. I don't care how much he changed any of them because The New 52 was supposed to be a Reboot. Shit changes. Whatever. They're definitely not the same characters people loved before the Reboot, but that's kind of the whole point of a Reboot, right? The reason I dislike Scott Lobdell's writing is because it's awful. Even if he was trying his best to write the same characters everybody loved, he'd fail because he has no idea what he's doing. To him, a character's history doesn't fucking matter because all plots derive from future events and time travel. Characters have no motivations built on their history and their experience because they simply react to some future entity coming out of nowhere to fuck with them. Or they have to stop somebody from going into the past and making the world into a dystopian nightmare where heroes are hated and hunted down by gigantic purple and pink robots called Sentimentals.

I just wanted to make that clear so nobody thinks I'm criticizing Scott Lobdell from a place of fan outrage. I never fucking liked Tim Drake anyway. I barely read any Superman comic books (at least not for Superman! I collected DC Presents for the guest stars!). And I've always thought Speedy was a jerk. Although now he's annoying and obnoxious as well. If Scott Lobdell were writing these characters well, I wouldn't be complaining. He might even win over some people who still wouldn't like that Jason Todd's character has changed so much, but are genuinely intrigued by the good writing and new circumstances surrounding the character. But that isn't happening because everything Scott Lobdell touches is actually pretty fucking horrible. I suppose if you're a thirteen year old boy who just wants to see lots of brain-dead action, he might be writing some fantastic books. At thirteen, I would not have been enjoying them but I'm sure some kids do.

Lastly, I actually hope, every single issue by Lobdell, that he writes something wonderful and intriguing. I'm on his side because I want to read good stories! It's just after two years with maybe only four or five well-written scenes under his belt, hope is kind of dead. Just like Superboy is about to be!

But Superboy and Supergirl and Superman are just trying to kill the planet too! So they should all just team up to get the job done!

As if there wasn't enough time travel nonsense happening what with The Super Family spread out across the past and H'el suddenly able to travel through time at will, Future Jor-el shows up from a future Krypton that survived. I guess he's come back to save the planet which he must do because, well, he's here! But Superman has to make sure the planet is destroyed which he must do because Oracle says it has to happen or the universe...excuse me...the Omniverse will perish. I guess this is why father and son are enemies on the cover! I mean, I know that's why their enemies. It was fucking obvious even to an Initiate Comic Book Reader like myself that that was what the cover was hinting at.

Can bashing readers over the head with the obvious be considered "hinting?"

Oh but wait! This is why I'm only an Initiate: they aren't enemies at all! Unless Superman, knowing full well that saving the planet will mean the planet's destruction with everything else, decides Krypton should be saved! No, no. Even Lobdell wouldn't write that story and make Superman look like a huge, selfish douchebag.

Back in the past, H'el turns into confetti in front of Superboy and Supergirl (in two different times!) and disappears from comic books forever!

Ha ha, no, no. He'll be back! In some other future crisis time travel caper! Just you wait and see! Maybe he'll join up with Harvest and they'll go on a Time Travel Buddy Road Trip. That would be a great series!

Actually, he comes back much sooner. For some reason, I was really, really hoping that this comic book was over early and the rest of the pages were just advertisements. H'el now appears in Kal-el's time because, as his father the Omnigenius determined, this is the exact place and time that H'el must always be no matter which time line they are in! Holy shit, he's just the most amazing Chronomathmatecian ever!

Oh Superman. Stop being so righteous! Stop being so...you! At least Scott Lobdell nailed Superman's Holier-than-thou-ness!

Superman declares there is always another way because he's read The Lord of the Rings and he knows that you can't kill the pathetic loser because you think the pathetic loser should be killed! You have to let him live because of some bullshit mumbo jumbo about not being able to bring back those that deserve to live or some such wizardly nonsense. But Superman knows that if he lets H'el live, H'el will be the one to dance around and fall into the lava at the heart of Krypton, thus ensuring its demise!

Superman's next line is, "What kind of universe is worth saving if it's saved through murder?" Really, asshole? You'd rather let everybody in existence die to save this one assH'el? I think General Lane was right! You are a murderer just by lack of action! What a superdick.

Except I'm sure it will all work out and you're making the right decision, Clark. I trust you and your goody two-shoes heart!

You mean Kryptonian.

Hey! Where are those weird little jelly creatures that nearly killed Jor-el the last time he was sent into the middle of Krypton back in Superman #0?! I'd guess that they were what eventually becomes H'el but they attacked younger Jor-el earlier that day while H'el wasn't yet deconstructed. But H'el can time travel, so maybe his deconstituted bits can time travel too!

When Superboy comes out of hiding to tell Alura that she needs to say goodbye to her daughter, I realize how Krypton Returns was probably supposed to happen much earlier with the H'el on Earth story. I bet instead of sending just H'el back in time, all the Supers were supposed to go back. But editorial probably said the Supers couldn't be involved in a time travel story just yet, so you'll have to delay the second half of the story and have Oracle make the stupidest entrance and quickest exit ever by having nothing to fucking do in the "H'el on Earth" story arc. But Scott Lobdell is definitely an Editor's best friend and I'd have to say if that was the plan, he actually did a decent job not having to throw the last half of his story out (which was already foreshadowed in the Zero Issues anyway) and getting his stupid Krypton Returns story back on track. Not that I like the story any. I just think he's probably the master of working with editors because he barely cares if his stories are coherent. So he never has to waste a story idea if it doesn't fit in with any other books because he'll just wedge it in somewhere else later.

So then Superboy helps to throw Argo City into space because, of course, Zor-el fucked up his calculations because he's a shitty scientist and in no way the equal of Jor-el. After Superboy saves all those people (at least until they die in space because, once again, Zor-el isn't really very good at the sciencing), he loses his powers and dies exactly as he lived:

In a Lobdelled Splash Page.

Anyway, we already knew you weren't a living weapon! You were a storage space for Jon-el's spare parts!

Superman beats H'el into Chronal Strips and then freezes him in some kind of perpetual time loop that will keep Krypton from being destroyed. Or saved. Or something. So those things in the core probably were H'el! Somehow. And Superman and Supergirl head back to the present without Superboy. They look around and go, "Oh shit. Well, he helped. Good job, deadie." Then they go back to Earth. But then Krypton returns for an instant! Or not an instant! Or an instant and then not an instant and then another instant and then not or whatever. The end!

Superman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as good as it possibly could be for being a stupid piece of shit. How about Superman refusing to kill H'el to save the same universe that he risks to keep Krypton alive! That's a pretty major risk to take on a stupid theory you just thought up while beating H'el in the face! "Oh, if I can keep him here in some way that I don't really understand but if I say 'Chronal strands' and 'perpetual loop' it all kind of makes sense and I bet it will keep the Time Tsunamis from destroying the world!" spits Superman right in the dying face of his father from a future that never happens because H'el never made it past this point in time to drop some dandruff on the steps of the Capitol building for Jor-el to analyze and figure out everything he needed to figure out to find this point in time! I'm mostly impressed by the fact that this story was probably supposed to take place well before a year after H'el on Earth but it still managed to happen more or less intact. And it probably worked better occurring after H'el #1 from Villains Month. I just hope Scott Lobdell is done with fucking poorly thought out time travel stories now. Please. Please. Build up some stories using the character's motivations instead of interference from future or omniscient sources that stop by and say, "Hey! Dude! You need to do this or Omnithing dies." Fuck, even the Psi-Wars began that way with Orion getting the prophecy from Highfather.

Talon #13

If the Gotham Butcher were the title Talon in this book, it would be the greatest comic of The New 52.

I'm listening to music as I read Talon #13 because Talon only holds about 13% of my interest. I can't let that other 87% just go to waste not being interested in something. So I'm distracting that part of me with music. Right now, it gets to dance to Planet Tokyo by Puffy AmiYumi. But now the other 13% of my interest is jealous that the other 87% is being better entertained!

Now I should be reading Talon but I keep shouting, "WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE?!" Man, I got this song (Who the Fuck is Alice?) on Napster! Does that mean this MP3 is stolen goods? Remember Napster when we were all international super criminals?! Man, what a glorious time! I can't believe we didn't all create spandex suits and change our names to things like Mistress Nefarious and MP ThrEvil. Thirteen years later and I still know every song that I downloaded from Napster when it comes up on my iTunes. It's so much better than paid for music! Forbidden fruit! Mmmm, so delicious and wicked!

The next song is Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. That's the song that opened the gates of Heavy Metal to me! My sister owned the cassette tape and I was intrigued by the vomiting blood cover. I fell in love with the sounds of Mr. Crowley. After that, I immediately sold my soul to the devil, killed a bunch of neighborhood cats, and became disrespectful to the elderly. But I continued to get good grades, so everybody basically left me alone. That was the magic I learned as a youngster. Grades are all that matter to adults.

Tess: "I'm going out to do fuck all! Be back whenever I want!"
Tess's Mom: "Wait a second, young man. Where's your report card?"
Tess: "Right here! All A's! Except that F I got in Mr. Gary's class. What an asshole, right?"
Tess's Mom: "Oh God. He hated me! That guy was a big jerk! Okay, you have fun being a good kid because you get good grades so I know you're not doing drugs or vandalizing other people's property!"
Tess: "See you tomorrow! Maybe!"

And then I'd rush out into the night to do anything I wanted! Which was usually playing Warhammer all night long at my cousin's house. Gosh, what a rebel I was!

Okay, time for the 13% of my brain paying attention to Talon before I get back to the interesting stuff about music and other music.

Sarah is excelling at Owl School so she gets a gift.

Casey has been doing research to try to find John Wycliffe, the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls. But the only record she finds of any Wycliffes is a signature on the original Gotham Charter. Do you think we'll ever get a definitive history of the Owls, when they formed, where they came from? Or are we supposed to be satisfied with their mystery and cloudy beginnings? Because I'm bored with them being an even more mysterious, DC Comics version of the Rothchilds. If I have to keep reading about them, I want to know more! Unless the Gotham Butcher kills them all and gets the lead role in this comic. Then I'm fine never knowing anything more.

Sebastian Clark is busy shopping for some Gotham Real Estate. He's interested in the Harbor House where a bunch of Patsy Members of the Court of Owls killed themselves back around the Night of the Talons. I'm completely flabbergasted (unless I'm using that word incorrectly! I better ask Lord Google what it means exactly. Let's see, "surprised greatly; astonished." Oh yeah! That's what I wanted!) that Bruce Wayne hasn't already scooped up this historic property! Especially with all that it means to his, you know, secret personality. Wink wink. You know who I'm talking about.

Is that a legal way to obtain a property? By killing the Real Estate Agent while on the premises? I think I'm going house shopping this weekend!

Calvin believes the newly refurbished Court of Owls are working out of the ruins of Amusement Mile somewhere. Anya (one of Casey's henchmen that used to be a member of the League of Assassins) and Casey believe the Orchard Hotel is where they're staying. Calvin remembers the Orchard's secret offices and vaults were flooded with liquid gold, so he's not so sure that's the ideal place to hold Court of Owl meetings. But he goes off to the Orchard to investigate anyway. And Anya and Joey (ex-Yakuza) decide to investigate Amusement Mile. But who is right?! It's like that moment in the book, The Silence of the Lambs (or the movie, if you're one of those low-brow dumb dumb faces that don't enjoy reading books so you can eventually scoff at the movie versions of them even if they are excellent and cause you to always think of flesh suits every time you hear Tom Petty's "American Girl"), when Clarise goes off to investigate a lead just to be thorough while the FBI believes they're raiding the killer's house. But the lead actually winds up being Buffalo Bob's Dungeon of Human Suits and Fancy Lotions! Is Calvin going to wind up finding the Court? Or will Anya and Joey be killed because there are too many characters in this book?!

I think I'm spending more than 13% of my interest on Talon! Am I finding the book more interesting this month? Or is the music in the background working to distract that part of my brain that finds this book incredibly boring?!

Now "In the Car" is playing by Barenaked Ladies. This song is extra special because it uses the phrase "mutual masturbation." And I was going to maybe talk more about the song as it went along but then Google Mail Alerts popped up a notification email from my mom and I caught the phrase "in memoriam" so I had to go see what that was about and sadness because one of her cats died. Now I have a paragraph that mentions both my mother's dead cat and mutual masturbation! What good is that to anybody?!

This is what Calvin Rose finds on the 13th Floor of The Orchard Hotel.

Calvin challenges The Butcher to a final deathmatch which will hopefully not turn out how he's expecting it to. Although he is a Master Escapodarium, so he'll probably do okay. Especially since the entire Orchard Hotel is going to explode in five minutes and Sarah is still on the premises. Also, every Talon nearby will soon be in the hotel to try to stop the Butcher because Wycliffe put out a call for help. But he's probably not going to escape either because he runs into Sebastian in the elevator. That's a lot of people in one space! And it's going to be more soon because Casey has figured out what her little group needs to do. So they'll probably wind up there as well! Batman may be the only guy in Gotham not invited to this party.

The Butcher winds up shoving a syringe into Calvin's neck full of the serum that was supposed to be used on Strix to completely decompose her and kill her for good. But Calvin doesn't have the exact same reaction. Perhaps because his body was still quite fresh when he underwent the change, or maybe Lucius Fox put some formula into him to protect against this, I have a feeling he's not going to suddenly melt into a fleshy puddle. In fact, he'll probably simply be resurrected and this whole stupid Calvin Rose as an undead Talon thing will be over! But before anything but some minor foaming can happen, the wall explodes and Sarah and her Ex-Killer Squad appear to save the day! Or just make things more complicated.

Talon #13 Rating: +1 Ranking because I have hope that Calvin Rose is going to return to normal. And The Gotham Butcher will definitely get away because he's the best thing about this comic book by far! Perhaps he'll run off with little Sarah since she's now a graduate of Owl School with a penchant for murdering things with her bare hands. Oh, but I forgot to scan in the final page because it summarizes my feelings (and probably a lot of other people's feelings) about this initial Calvin versus the Court of Owls story arc:

Batman: The Dark Knight #25

Time once again for some lonely jerk losing himself in a character and spending all of his time dealing with The Penguin! Also Clayface is in this story.

Clayface has broken out of Arkham Asylum again because nobody knows how to keep that guy incarcerated while still maintaining an illusion of humane treatment. And now The Goddamned Fucking Batman has to waste more time hunting him down.

Clayface's first visit is to The Penguin to tell him that he won't be working for him anymore. He's paid his debt and he's going out on his own now. I wonder what ever happened between him and Poison Ivy? They seemed like a happy couple for a little while there. While Clayface is off thinking up his own crime spree which will probably be pretty stupid (no offense intended, you big moronic pile of clay, but seriously, you don't really have much of a brain anymore. Just a big pile of slimy sludge), Batman and Commissioner Gordon are investigating Clayface's breakout at Arkham.

I think Hurwitz has pages and pages of Batman suddenly appearing and disappearing around Gordon jokes. And as long as they keep making me laugh, I'll be happy to keep seeing them in these pages.

Batman surprises even himself when he sees the footage of Clayface kidnapping people and realizes that he was correct about Clayface going out and getting a new audience. He says, "I didn't mean it literally, Alfred." This is the only acceptable use of the word "literally." When a metaphor suddenly turns real. Also you can use it this way: "I literally figuratively shit my pants when that guy attacked me with a chainsaw." Also if that happened, you probably wouldn't need the figuratively in there, would you? Maybe I should have thought up a better example.

Batman and Alfred make a list of all locations in Gotham that have any ties to Basil Karlo or his movies. The list is too big for Batman to cover himself, so he decides to get some help tracking down the kidnapped citizens. The two people he calls on for help? Black Canary and...ugh...Condor. Really, Batman? I think you're above needing that asshole's help. Unless you can accidentally get him killed! Is that the plan?!

Yes!

Luckily Batman finds Clayface first so we won't have to see any more of Condor. Except Batman probably gave Black Canary and Condor a list of his locations and they'll come swinging in at the last second to help Batman defeat Clayface. Not that Batman needs anybody else's help. But they have to make it look good so maybe a few fans will think, "Neat! Maybe I should be reading Birds of Prey too!" No, you don't need to be reading it. Not at all.

Nice sarcasm, Batman. Do you think they'll ever help you again with that attitude?

As you can see from the above page, Batman defeats Clayface by knocking him into a gigantic fondue pot. I have no idea what a gigantic pot of melted cheese was doing in the theater. Perhaps it was the hors d'oeuvres for the cast party after the show?

See? Pages and pages of these jokes!

Clayface is returned to Arkham but this time he's kept in a pressure cooker to keep him from being able to keep any form. I guess that's as humane as they can make it with this guy.

Batman: The Dark Knight Rating: +8 Ranking. This issue wasn't a "+8 Ranking" kind of issue. But I figure this comic has been way farther down in the rankings than it deserves to be since Gregg Hurwitz took over. Ever since he came on board as the writer, this comic book has been interesting and entertaining. It was a pile of shit before that though, hence it's previous position at 37 on the charts.

The Flash #25

I hope this story is about Barry's first speed pun.

Six years ago The Goddamned Batman emerged during the greatest catastrophe Gotham had ever endured up until that point. The citizens were all like, "Holy cow! That was intense! I'm glad life in Gotham can't get any worse than this!" And then in a few months, the citizens were all, "Shit shit shit shit! Holy fucking Moses! Remember the good old days when all we had to worry about was flooding and high winds and knock knock jokes?! Get me out of this fucking city!" Barry Allen decided to visit Gotham amidst this backdrop of the good old days when people weren't constantly poisoned by laughing gas or dying from fear or brainwashed by hats or eaten by ravenous batwomen or smashed by Hydras or turned to stone by Medusa or lost their children to Mexican urban myths or had bat symbols burned into their bodies or any other dozens of horrible things that have happened since the good old days when all they had to worry about was being stumped by a riddle.

The story begins by calling itself "Starting Line" because The Flash is known for running and a starting line is a line where runners start running! So even though he hasn't had his chemical lightning spa treatment yet, Barry's life is still full of punning on running. Barry is even running on the first page ahead of a Gotham patrol car as Barry gives chase to a drug addict.

With all the problems happening in Gotham right now, why is Barry chasing a drug addict? Apparently, on top of everything else, a new drug called "Icarus" has hit the streets and Barry needs to stop the problem before it runs amok.

Really? Mythology references are high-brow? Well la dee da! Who knew ten year old me was such a highfalutin fancy boy!

Maybe Barry is just making a tasteless joke about the way Icarus died by calling the street drug's name "high-brow."

Man. Now I want to try some Icarus. I bet coming down off of that shit is the worst!

As Barry chases the addict, he mentions that Harvey Bullock and Bullock's partner, Spencer the Probably Dirty Cop, don't have the same sense of urgency as Barry. That counts as a speed reference, right? I bet this Zero Year issue scores really high on my Speed Force Point System! That's where the issue gets a Speed Force Point for every reference to running or speed. By page three, The Flash's Zero Year story has...dammit! I just had the number and began typing the sentence and forgot. I'm going to say it was five points!

Oh yeah. Coming down off this junk fucking sucks. I think this also earns a Speed Force Point because he went up in a flash!

Iris West just happens to be off panel with a fire extinguisher and she steps in to put out the combusting addict. She works as an intern for the Gotham Gazette. Looks like she's one of the smartest people in Gotham because she winds up moving out of that hellhole. Before Barry and Iris can realize that they should be fucking, Harvey pulls Barry away to continue with the Icarus investigation.

As the cops take the corpse to do some forensic analysis on it, Barry tells Harvey how the drug increased the perp's reflexes. Harvey is then able to quip, "Maybe you're just slow." Ha ha! That's funny because he's soon going to be the fastest man alive! Hoo boy! I can't get enough of these allusions to Barry's future career! Keep 'em coming, The Flash Creative Team!

Okay, okay! I get it! You can do this all day!

I bet Patty gets real sick of Barry's puns. It's probably going to be the reason they eventually break up. That or because Dan DiDio decides he doesn't like how cozy they're getting.

Barry: "Hey Patty! I'm going to run to the store really quick."
Patty: "Oh, could you pick up a case of deodorant for yourself?"
Barry: "Want me to smell good for a quickie when I get back? Can't stop yourself around me and my fast hands, can you?"
Patty: "Get off m...did we just have sex?"
Barry: "Of course not! I know you like to take it slow, babe. Although, you kind of chose the wrong guy for that. Bit of a rash decision on your part, enh?"
Patty: "Speaking of rashes...could you get something for the friction burns on my ass?"

Um, and then there are more speed puns and Patty gets tired of them and they break up! What? I don't have all day to write comic book scripts!

Harvey and Barry head over to investigate the free clinic where Iris West was researching the use of Icarus. They do this because the building is about to explode and Harvey needs to make more references about Barry trying to be a hero and running into burning buildings and pointing out how fast Barry is and how great his buns would look in a spandex suit. Maybe some of those thoughts were my own.

Barry decides to investigate the explosion to try to put a stop to Gotham's drug problem while Harvey says, "Fuck it, that's too much work. I'm going to head over to a different Zero Year comic book." Iris West sets up a makeshift lab for Barry to work in and the two of them begin a professional relationship that will last for many, many years! Or at least until DC decides to go back to the old universe and then their relationship will be different somehow. But not very.

Barry and Iris wind up snorting a whole bunch of Icarus and fucking like monkeys. While they're banging each other, Barry has a flash of insight into where the drugs were probably cut and packaged: a cold place! Like with ice and stuff! And since Iris has cold beer because she knows a fish guy that can get her ice, Barry decides he suddenly knows where the drugs were packaged! It's easy to know your gut instincts are correct when you're in a comic book because their aren't enough pages for you to follow dead end leads.

I didn't actually guess that Spencer was a dirty cop earlier when I called him "Spencer the Dirty Cop." Originally, I had just typed "Harvey's Partner." But then when I decided to scan this page in, I realized I needed to make sure his name was mentioned so I wouldn't have to explain who this was. And as I typed his name, I added "the probably dirty cop" because isn't that the Gotham way and it made me giggle. But then after adding that so that I wouldn't have to explain who he was, I realized I needed to add all of this to explain how I already knew he was dirty when I added the "dirty cop" thing because I believe in transparency and I don't want people believing I guessed something that I didn't even consider while reading. Most internet denizens thrive on being able to look up facts and pretend they already knew them, thus presenting a false version of themselves. I like to let people know when Lord Google held my hand through something. Although I don't mention how often I check the spelling or the precise meaning of a word to make sure I'm actually saying exactly what I want to get across. Sometimes, even knowing the meaning of the word, you just need to make sure you've got the subtlety and precision just right for the sentence you're constructing. Although most of the time my sentences are more like a flailing child running amok in a candy store.

Harvey Bullock has arrived to back up Allen but he's a bit too late because Spencer shoves a bunch of Icarus up Barry's nose and now Barry thinks he's the Goddamned Batman. Barry punches up Spencer a bit but soon finds himself about to explode. Spencer goes to shoot Barry because he's the kind of cop that believes in ultra-violence but Harvey shoots Spencer before he can pull the trigger. Iris floods Barry with cold air from the cooling unit and everybody but Spencer lives happily ever after.

This bit from Harvey gave me feelings. Am I gay?

Then it's time for Barry to head back to Central City! But first he needs to be manhandled by Iris!

I think Iris West is really The Penguin!

The Flash #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Even when The Flash doesn't have any powers and it's just a stupid CSI comic book about dumb cops without any super powers, this comic book is entertaining! Probably because Barry Allen's character has been well defined by Manapul and Buccellato. If only Tim Drake were being written this well! Not that I care about Tim Drake. But some people care about Tim Drake for some reason. Probably because those people are younger than I am. My favorite Robin was Alfred Pennyworth's pet Gerbil from Amazing Wonder Time Adventures #53.