Aquaman #25

Last issue, Aquaman found out that The Trench were one of the races descended from the Ancient Atlanteans. So now Aquaman needs to do some serious apologizing for collapsing the entrance to their kingdom and banishing them to the depths of the ocean without any food. Unless he threw some Hostess Snack Cakes into the deep sea hole with them to calm them down and save the day. I might be confusing last issue with an advertisement.

This final battle against the Dead King had better be worth the extra dollar DC snuck out of my wallet! At least they aren't charging Batman prices for this issue. What the hell is going on with Snyder's Batman? The last two issues cost about fifteen dollars between them!

Aquaman plans on leading The Trench to battle The Dead King. With The Dead King's scepter, he has power over The Trench so he probably won't need to apologize to them. He'll just use a magic item to manipulate them. Who cares though, right? They're obviously monsters who look so completely different than the Atlanteans and the Xebels that they should be treated like shit. It's not like Aquaman knows how to speak their slimy inkblot language. But Aquaman's main goal doesn't seem to be to defeat the Dead King and take back the throne. Why would it? Aquaman doesn't care about ruling. What Aquaman does care about is finding Mera. She's been missing for six months now while Arthur hung out in Vulko's tent growing a beard.

Enh, she can take care of herself.

Geoff Johns wastes no time having Arthur attack Atlantis because he has to get this shit over with before his replacement writer hits the office. Usually, Johns might spend three or four pages meandering about the ocean showing panel after panel of sea life to remind the reader that this book is about a guy that can breathe underwater. But not this issue! The extra dollar is going toward some big action scenes of Aquaman's army, most of which have been coerced into joining by telekinetic or magic trident means. The only person benefiting from this assault on Atlantis is Aquaman and yet he's brought in The Trench and some Great Whites and some Killer Whales and some Moray Eels and some Manta Rays and some Sturgeon and a few Lemon Party Sharks. They've just been drafted to risk their lives so Aquaman can regain his wife. He's not even going to pay them even though he has sixty billion dollars of sunken treasure at his disposal! You know how many seals a Killer Whale could buy with that kind of cheddar?

I bet "cheddar" for money is rhyming slang somehow!

Also, I was wrong about Geoff Johns getting right to the action. I just counted how many pages were used before the assault which is also the title page: nine! I think that is one page over the additional pages paid for by my extra dollar. So that's why I had to pay more! Now I'll get twenty pages of war story! Okay, maybe ten because we still need ten pages of resolution where Arthur and Mera kiss and they go home to feed Aquadog.

Aquaman frees Mera first thing but then decides to free some other prisoners and save Atlantis since he's, you know, here already but no big deal or nothing. He also makes sure to free the Atlantean prisoners because eventually the army he came with is going to shake off their mind shackles and begin thinking, "Why the fuck am I risking my life for this manipulating bastard?"

How cute. Aquagirl and her gang of assholes are suddenly all sugary sweetness. "Thanks for rescuing us, My King! You were always My King, really! Never once did I look up the meaning of Regicide for use in a future diary entry!"

After freeing his subjects who have rethought their loyalty now that they've gotten a taste of a king who is a real fucking asshole, Arthur finally gets to confront that fucking asshole. First thing they should do is swap tridents! Also, they should switch weapons! That first sentence about swapping was a sexual innuendo!

Yeah! What kind of king enslaves his own people?! You should be enslaving other races and stupid sea creatures, dumb dumb!

Once Atlan realizes the Atlanteans are turning against him and the Xebellions are on the run, he decides to destroy Atlantis once more by smashing it to pieces with his Scepter and sinking it below the ocean's bottom. If he does that, then the Atlanteans are going to have to learn how to breathe magma! It would probably make Aquaman a lot cooler! Atlan the Dead King points out how Arthur is the enemy because he doesn't want The Dead King ruling everything. But Atlan should get a closer look at Aquaman and realize that he's the son of an Atlantean and a Land Mammal. He's the culmination of everything that Atlan believed in when he was king! You know, before his entire family was slaughtered by Arthur's relatives.

Oh hey! It looks like Atlantis might still get the chance to become an awesome city of lava with magma-breathing denizens!

The Dead King and his scepter are melted into oblivion in the lava but Arthur's skin is tough enough that he swims away unharmed. Even his clothing and bandages don't burn off! Those Atlanteans make some tough first aid supplies.

And everybody lived happily ever after. Except Atlan. And Nereus. And all the dead Trench creatures. And the dead sea animals. And probably Vulko who's going back to jail for being a dick. But you're not supposed to concentrate on minor characters in stories like these or else they get a bit too messy. Save that kind of bullshit for your Kurt Vonnegut novels.

And so the ten pages of battle have ended and the ten pages of denouement begin with Arthur and Mera's kiss. Denouement is a fancy word for "cleaning up the mess." I think that's what it literally means in whatever language it is. Lithuanian, I think.

Arthur decides to stay and rule Atlantis even though he fucking hates the job. But he figures he can be happy as long as Mera is with him. But Mera says, "Fuck this bullshit. I'm not responsible for your happiness! You're going to take out your job on me and I'll be miserable and you'll be miserable and I'm not going to take part in this dysfunctional bullshit so I'm going back home to feed the fucking dog."

This break-up reminds me of that part in Elfquest where Skywise says he's going to stay with the castle and Cutter leaves, heartbroken, to take his tribe back to the forest. So my guess is that Mera is going to wind up hanging out at the lighthouse playing with the dog and being sad because her heart has been torn out and Aquaman is going to come riding up on a dolphin and pat her on the back and they'll just smile and not say anything and Mera will give Arthur back his lodestone and everything will be good.

Whoops. I got it backwards!

Aquadog has to stay up on land with his dog-sitter, Jenny, until he can get an operation to have gills implanted in his throat.

There's also a final bit where Nereus destroys the wall of a Land Mammal's house where Orm has been living. Xebellions don't understand doors, I guess. Anyway, he claims he knows where the other Four Sea Kingdoms are and that he, and Orm, should take their places among the other kingdoms as the true Kings of the Seven Seas. And then a blurb says that this story will be concluded in a Justice League event called Rise of the Seven Seas. But aren't the Justice League already involved in a big event?! Or two?! Actually, it's probably a good time to do other stories in the Justice League books that have nothing to do with Forever Evil. Leave the Forever Evil stuff in Forever Evil! Maybe. I guess if Superman dies you can't continue doing stories in Justice League without ruining the surprise that Superman is dead. Maybe they can just leave him out and not have anybody mention him because the pain is still too raw.

Aquaman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just typed "+1 Ranking" and I'm already wondering why I did that! I don't like that Aquaman took the throne. I don't like that Aquadog has been abandoned. I don't like how Arthur feels he can use any fucking sea life for his own selfish purposes! I don't like that Aquaman's super power is talking with fish and being able to live in high pressure environments. I don't like Aquaman! But I enjoyed this issue and think the Death of a King resolution was okay. Although Topo should have gotten a cameo. Where did he disappear to in the last six months?!

Justice League #17

If only the Justice League hadn't lost their Green Lantern. Without a Green Lantern, they're just a second tier super group.

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko's beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg's Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn't care what happens to the humans; they're just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they'd be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that's Mera's theory and I'd believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

I notice Green Arrow and Hawkman are missing from this brawl. It's probably because they were called up to the Justice League of America but I like to think it's because they were let go due to extreme suckage.

When I turn the page, I'm greeted with Hawkman stabbing Orm in the wrist, so I guess Hawkman still made the cut. Even though Batman tried to veto him from the group. Meanwhile Firestorm tells Black Canary that he can't transmute organic material. I remember that being a weakness of his in Preboot history but I think this might be the first time it's been mentioned in The New 52. There's a lot to remember when having read about 900 comics in the last year though, so it's very possible I'm wrong about that.

And then the Justice League risks another detour to Apokolips and Boom Tubes themselves into the battle.

Shut up, Superman. He does. He does indeed.

While Batman meets up with the Justice League Farm Team at the docks, Aquaman battles Orm. Orm has the ability to control water the way that Mera does. But Aquaman doesn't have that power! Is that only an ability of full Atlanteans? Or maybe full-blooded Royal Atlanteans since I haven't seen any other Atlanteans use the power. And what about speaking with fish? Is that just something that Aquaman can do? I think Orm might have sent all of the sea-life out of the area before his army attacked Boston but, once again, I'm not too sure. Stupid memory. And stupid laziness keeping me from looking it up!

Batman organizes the Farm Team into a posse to hunt down Vulko. That's about all they're useful for now that Superman and Wonder Woman are on the scene. Too bad most of them can't take their eyes off of the famous Batman because Vulko is simply standing on a skyscraper overlooking the battle hoping that Aquaman will kill Orm. But after Orm gets all emotional and girl scoutery, I doubt that's going to happen.

So what happened to change the weeping into warring? Give him a hug!

While throwing a bus at Orm, Aquaman tells him how much he loved finding out he had a brother as well! Then they kiss kick and hug hit each other for a few pages until Aquaman finally defeats Orm just as Batman and his posse discover Vulko.

Oh! I guess that's probably what Vulko wanted. Aquaman back on the throne. Thus the name of the crossover! Orm being killed would simply have been an added bonus.

Now that Aquaman is king again, he commands the Atlanteans to attack the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. The Trench Fish People are apparently just enough fish for nobody to care about killing them. Why do fish not get any love? Vegetarians are often Pescetarians but you never see any Vegetarians that are Vaccatarians! Although I have known quite a few Pancettatarians! I don't subscribe to any of those terms. I'm just an Angry Vegetarian. I only eat animals that piss me off.

It's possible that most of the heroes like Superman and Batman don't kill the Fish Guys while they fight them. It's hard to tell since the ultimate goal is to simply drive them back into the ocean. That can only be accomplished using the Dead King's Scepter so it's a good thing Batman found Vulko. Batman is always thinking ahead!

Well then it's a good thing it all fucking worked out exactly like you planned it, isn't it? Vulko is a mastermind on the level of Harvest!

With the Dead King's Scepter, Aquaman sends the Trench Monsters home and the war is over. He arrests Vulko and sends him back to Atlantis with the Atlantean Army. And then to prove himself to Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman, he arrests Orm and sends him off to Belle Reve. It's really shitty logic and a fucking crappy thing to do to his brother. Basically Aquaman labels Orm a terrorist because after the fight, Orm is no longer a king defending his nation. Even though he was a king defending his nation when he launched the attack. Fucking Aquaman really is a land dweller now, isn't he? And he's got good old American Rationale down pat too. If Superman really meant what he said earlier about Aquaman not having to prove himself, he should have stepped in and stopped this fucking travesty of justice. Instead, the Justice League are all really proud of Aquaman for doing the right* thing.

*"Right" being what they wanted him to do in the first place. Jerks.

But now Aquaman has to go back to Atlantis and be a responsible ruler.

Good riddance!

This crossover causes three things to happen on the final page. Amanda Waller decides it's time to activate the Justice League of America. Batman thinks it would be a good idea to expand their membership. And the Legion of Doom begins hiring! Beginning with the Scarecrow because he's had the most experience so far in The New 52 having starred in at least two major stories and a back-up story or two.

Justice League #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, so maybe the big bad Super Villain Co-Op won't go by the name Legion of Doom. Maybe they'll be the Secret Society of Super-Villains. But just knowing they're coming in some form is good enough for me. That was the best part of the story which is why I mentioned it first. The rest of the story resolved itself nicely and in a nice, short manner. I was worried Geoff Johns was going to drag this out for ten years. The only thing I don't like is how Aquaman turned his brother into a scapegoat. It was an international incident caused by a third party while Orm was king. Arresting him just because he gave up the crown after the battle was over seems like a really dick move. But then I don't actually expect anything more from Superman, Batman, and Aquaman! Jerks!

Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.