Talon #14

I can see right up Calvin's nose!

At the end of last issue, all hell was breaking loose at the Gotham City Orchard Hotel. The most surprising thing about it is that Batman was not involved. Nobody even invited him to the chaos even though he left explicit instructions that he be sent an invite. Here's hoping the entire building explodes, killing most of the cast of this comic book. The only person I hope doesn't die is The Gotham Butcher. Anybody else, including Calvin Rose, is expendable.

While Casey tangles with The Gotham Butcher, Calvin makes one of the biggest mistakes you can make in the entire history of making mistakes! He believes a child with one hand behind its back is innocent and not dangerous at all. Well, Calvin Rose, those that don't remember history are doomed to repeat it or something to that effect. It's your own fault if you want to ignore what happened to Julius Caesar, Charles Foster Kane, Sauron, and Jesus too! They also ignored the innocent kid with one hand behind his or her back and look where it got them!

"I went to Owl School and it only took a few months! While all my friends are working dead end jobs or still in school, I got a job right out of Owl School using my training to kill Talons!"

Little Sarah Washington, Valedictorian of Owl School, merely slits Calvin's throat. It doesn't kill him but it seems the Putrefying Serum that was injected into his system wasn't enough to kill him but was enough to disable his healing powers. So that slit throat could be trouble. She didn't slit his throat deep enough to severe the piano cords in his throat that enable him to speak, so it's really just a superficial cut. Sarah leaves with Grandmaster Flash so that The Butcher of Gotham can clean up. Except that bomb is going to go off and kill everybody soon, so The Butcher should probably just head out now. I'm sure everyone will die and the comic book will be over soon.

Casey decides that she doesn't want Calvin to die because she loves his undead penis going in and out of her cybernetic vagina, so she shoots The Gotham Butcher's arm off. Unless she shoots off the Gotham Butcher's arm. Whichever one is most grammatically appropriate.

She also shoots off some of his other parts, like his top part and his bottom part.

Casey and Calvin and Casey's thugs still have a bunch of Talon's to destroy. But Calvin has come up with a great three step plan! Step one: Set himself on fire! Step two: Group hug all of the talons. Step Three: Blow everybody up with a cryo-bomb! That's a pretty good plan because usually three step plans have one step that is just a bunch of question marks and another step that is just the word "profit" followed by an exclamation point. Two or three exclamation points if the creator of the plan is overly optimistic!

I suppose the setting himself on fire part of the plan was to keep him from being flash frozen by the cryo-bomb. But now Calvin Rose is a disgusting, melty, burning, throat-slit, moldy old walking corpse. He doesn't have much Talon left in him. Seeing him in such a state of disrepair makes me feel a little better about the Gotham Butcher being butchered.

Eww. Stop being so gross, Calvin. I don't even think Alfred can whip up enough tea to save you now.

Eventually Batman comes to save the day because Calvin Rose is only good at escaping. He can't solve problems. He can only run away from them. So Daddy Batman arrives to stop the bomb and to apprehend Sebastian Clark. Batman still has some questions for him like where the fuck did Lincoln March go? Maybe after Calvin turns into a soupy blob of blech, Lincoln March will return to be Gotham City's Talon! Which, I mean, really, Gotham City doesn't fucking need, does it? The Court of Owls have kind of overstayed their welcome being that they're all just a bunch of snobby bureaucrats anyway. Can't Batman turn them back into a nursery school rhyme and an Urban Legend?

You're going to fix that?! I think Casey must have lost both eyes.

Casey pleads with Batman to save Calvin's life as the serum begins to liquify him. I can understand that Batman's legend is so great that it would seem he's capable of miracles but I don't think he's a healer and he probably doesn't know any magic. Hell, Batman doesn't kill so he can't even put him out of his misery! What the fuck is Batman supposed to do? I guess he could shove him in the cryo-tank until somebody else can come up with a cure. Hopefully that will be never though because I think I've read enough stories about Calvin Rose. I'm good here. Check!

Oh fuck. Apparently I'm being forced to have dessert because Calvin Rose is all better three weeks later. Batman's big idea was to put Calvin on dialysis which removed the Death Serum and allowed Calvin's Talon power to regenerate his body. He even got back his face! Also, it might not have been Batman's idea. Batman may have just shrugged his shoulders and went home after Casey asked for help. But Bruce Wayne helped by buying Casey's father's company and putting her in charge!

Sebastian Clark wound up in prison. The Gotham Butcher began putting himself back together so he was locked up in a new cell in the Securitus Building which is kept at Absolute Zero. Or, you know, as close to absolute zero as they can get. I predict Wayne Enterprises goes bankrupt within the year trying to pay the power bill to keep The Gotham Butcher frozen at that temperature! Maybe they should just shoot his body into space and keep his head on the end of a pole in the Gotham Police Department's break room freezer. And finally, Sarah has begun attending Bat School which is the opposite of Owl School. Unless Lark School is the opposite of Owl School.

Finally finally (I should probably have planned my words better), Calvin Rose discovers that Casey Washington is being allowed to continue her organization that helps thugs leave criminal organizations and make better persons of themselves. Except she's been forced to change the name of her organization to Batman, Incorporated. Dark Ranger and Nightrunner are also still members. And everybody probably has to make sure they don't accidentally mention any of this to Commissioner Gordon.

Talon #14 Rating: No change. I am so Court of Owlsed out, I can't even finish thi

Talon #13

If the Gotham Butcher were the title Talon in this book, it would be the greatest comic of The New 52.

I'm listening to music as I read Talon #13 because Talon only holds about 13% of my interest. I can't let that other 87% just go to waste not being interested in something. So I'm distracting that part of me with music. Right now, it gets to dance to Planet Tokyo by Puffy AmiYumi. But now the other 13% of my interest is jealous that the other 87% is being better entertained!

Now I should be reading Talon but I keep shouting, "WHO THE FUCK IS ALICE?!" Man, I got this song (Who the Fuck is Alice?) on Napster! Does that mean this MP3 is stolen goods? Remember Napster when we were all international super criminals?! Man, what a glorious time! I can't believe we didn't all create spandex suits and change our names to things like Mistress Nefarious and MP ThrEvil. Thirteen years later and I still know every song that I downloaded from Napster when it comes up on my iTunes. It's so much better than paid for music! Forbidden fruit! Mmmm, so delicious and wicked!

The next song is Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. That's the song that opened the gates of Heavy Metal to me! My sister owned the cassette tape and I was intrigued by the vomiting blood cover. I fell in love with the sounds of Mr. Crowley. After that, I immediately sold my soul to the devil, killed a bunch of neighborhood cats, and became disrespectful to the elderly. But I continued to get good grades, so everybody basically left me alone. That was the magic I learned as a youngster. Grades are all that matter to adults.

Tess: "I'm going out to do fuck all! Be back whenever I want!"
Tess's Mom: "Wait a second, young man. Where's your report card?"
Tess: "Right here! All A's! Except that F I got in Mr. Gary's class. What an asshole, right?"
Tess's Mom: "Oh God. He hated me! That guy was a big jerk! Okay, you have fun being a good kid because you get good grades so I know you're not doing drugs or vandalizing other people's property!"
Tess: "See you tomorrow! Maybe!"

And then I'd rush out into the night to do anything I wanted! Which was usually playing Warhammer all night long at my cousin's house. Gosh, what a rebel I was!

Okay, time for the 13% of my brain paying attention to Talon before I get back to the interesting stuff about music and other music.

Sarah is excelling at Owl School so she gets a gift.

Casey has been doing research to try to find John Wycliffe, the Grandmaster of the Court of Owls. But the only record she finds of any Wycliffes is a signature on the original Gotham Charter. Do you think we'll ever get a definitive history of the Owls, when they formed, where they came from? Or are we supposed to be satisfied with their mystery and cloudy beginnings? Because I'm bored with them being an even more mysterious, DC Comics version of the Rothchilds. If I have to keep reading about them, I want to know more! Unless the Gotham Butcher kills them all and gets the lead role in this comic. Then I'm fine never knowing anything more.

Sebastian Clark is busy shopping for some Gotham Real Estate. He's interested in the Harbor House where a bunch of Patsy Members of the Court of Owls killed themselves back around the Night of the Talons. I'm completely flabbergasted (unless I'm using that word incorrectly! I better ask Lord Google what it means exactly. Let's see, "surprised greatly; astonished." Oh yeah! That's what I wanted!) that Bruce Wayne hasn't already scooped up this historic property! Especially with all that it means to his, you know, secret personality. Wink wink. You know who I'm talking about.

Is that a legal way to obtain a property? By killing the Real Estate Agent while on the premises? I think I'm going house shopping this weekend!

Calvin believes the newly refurbished Court of Owls are working out of the ruins of Amusement Mile somewhere. Anya (one of Casey's henchmen that used to be a member of the League of Assassins) and Casey believe the Orchard Hotel is where they're staying. Calvin remembers the Orchard's secret offices and vaults were flooded with liquid gold, so he's not so sure that's the ideal place to hold Court of Owl meetings. But he goes off to the Orchard to investigate anyway. And Anya and Joey (ex-Yakuza) decide to investigate Amusement Mile. But who is right?! It's like that moment in the book, The Silence of the Lambs (or the movie, if you're one of those low-brow dumb dumb faces that don't enjoy reading books so you can eventually scoff at the movie versions of them even if they are excellent and cause you to always think of flesh suits every time you hear Tom Petty's "American Girl"), when Clarise goes off to investigate a lead just to be thorough while the FBI believes they're raiding the killer's house. But the lead actually winds up being Buffalo Bob's Dungeon of Human Suits and Fancy Lotions! Is Calvin going to wind up finding the Court? Or will Anya and Joey be killed because there are too many characters in this book?!

I think I'm spending more than 13% of my interest on Talon! Am I finding the book more interesting this month? Or is the music in the background working to distract that part of my brain that finds this book incredibly boring?!

Now "In the Car" is playing by Barenaked Ladies. This song is extra special because it uses the phrase "mutual masturbation." And I was going to maybe talk more about the song as it went along but then Google Mail Alerts popped up a notification email from my mom and I caught the phrase "in memoriam" so I had to go see what that was about and sadness because one of her cats died. Now I have a paragraph that mentions both my mother's dead cat and mutual masturbation! What good is that to anybody?!

This is what Calvin Rose finds on the 13th Floor of The Orchard Hotel.

Calvin challenges The Butcher to a final deathmatch which will hopefully not turn out how he's expecting it to. Although he is a Master Escapodarium, so he'll probably do okay. Especially since the entire Orchard Hotel is going to explode in five minutes and Sarah is still on the premises. Also, every Talon nearby will soon be in the hotel to try to stop the Butcher because Wycliffe put out a call for help. But he's probably not going to escape either because he runs into Sebastian in the elevator. That's a lot of people in one space! And it's going to be more soon because Casey has figured out what her little group needs to do. So they'll probably wind up there as well! Batman may be the only guy in Gotham not invited to this party.

The Butcher winds up shoving a syringe into Calvin's neck full of the serum that was supposed to be used on Strix to completely decompose her and kill her for good. But Calvin doesn't have the exact same reaction. Perhaps because his body was still quite fresh when he underwent the change, or maybe Lucius Fox put some formula into him to protect against this, I have a feeling he's not going to suddenly melt into a fleshy puddle. In fact, he'll probably simply be resurrected and this whole stupid Calvin Rose as an undead Talon thing will be over! But before anything but some minor foaming can happen, the wall explodes and Sarah and her Ex-Killer Squad appear to save the day! Or just make things more complicated.

Talon #13 Rating: +1 Ranking because I have hope that Calvin Rose is going to return to normal. And The Gotham Butcher will definitely get away because he's the best thing about this comic book by far! Perhaps he'll run off with little Sarah since she's now a graduate of Owl School with a penchant for murdering things with her bare hands. Oh, but I forgot to scan in the final page because it summarizes my feelings (and probably a lot of other people's feelings) about this initial Calvin versus the Court of Owls story arc:

Talon #12

Even splitting his time between Forever Evil and all of the Bat-titles and kicking Batwoman's ass, he still has time to drop by and bitchslap the fuck out of Talon. Bravissimo!

Last issue, I was incredibly bored. So let's see what happens this month!

The year is 1852. Horror has been seeing a therapist to talk through its issues with itself. Why does it thrive in the dark? Must it always be so? Is the darkness where Horror truly belongs? It really would like to move past the darkness since the darkness is awash in the afterbirth of Fear's becoming, and full of pollen from Terror's blooming. But Horror knows it belongs in the dark as well even though it longs for something more. It's full of ambition and no closet can hold it any longer! No longer will it be relegated to the cramped, musty spaces under the bed! It's tired of being imagined! It needs to show the world what it can do! Except it must be a lazy piece of shit because it's now 2013 and Horror has yet to make a name for itself.

Since Horror's story is such a bust, I guess we have to follow Batman and Talon as they search for the Court of Owls. I think they still need to save Casey's kid, Sarah. She's enrolled in Owl School which is the opposite of Bat School and a complete waste of time. Which makes it exactly like regular school!

Oh! The story about Horror was a metaphor for The Gotham Butcher!

Hey! Wake up! I've barely even gotten into the meat of this thing and you're already falling asleep?! Look, I don't want to have to read this comic book and try to write clever things about it. I really just want to sleep and eat and shit and masturbate and play Call of Duty. But sometimes, as adults, we have to do things we don't want to do. Like read comic books. I do like The Gotham Butcher though! But I don't want to see his backstory where he was too deranged for even the Court of Owls to handle. I feel like Tynion has given enough of that for us to understand the character. I don't need to keep being reminded that he's a monster!

The Court of Owls realizes they should probably never have given Felix Harmon another chance to walk the streets of Gotham. So they attempt to put him down by detonating the Liquid Nitrogen Bath Beads they stuffed into his head. When it doesn't work, they realize that maybe telling your slave monsters how you're keeping them in line isn't the best idea when your slave monsters are indestructible, immortal creatures that can perform brain surgery on themselves. Sure, they die a few times on the operating garbage bin. But that's what regeneration is for! Anyway, the Court of Owls has now lost control of yet another asset. I think it's about time The Court of Owls just went gently into that good night. Seriously. Even Dylan Thomas would agree on this one.

Casey is currently staying in Wayne Enterprises because that building hasn't had quite enough damage over the last few months.

Lucius Fox knows Casey because they're both BLiG (Black Living in Gotham). Unless it was because he knew her father since they were both big shot corporate electrical engineering wizards. It's probably whichever of those makes me sound less ignorant. Lucius is outfitting Casey with her own mechanical talon since The Gotham Butcher cost her an arm. Now she'll be part robot and Calvin is part corpse! It'll be hardest on their offspring who will probably be judged by the robots and the undead both when she grows up. They're such insular groups! Although maybe she's the Chosen One who will unite the Robots and the Undead!

Well, Lucius isn't as great an electrical engineering wizard as I thought! BliG it is! I wonder if he knows Bleak Michael too?

Batman arrives to let Calvin know that after Calvin finds The Gotham Butcher, Calvin needs to call Batman so Batman can take care of it. And then Calvin is going into retirement in a cryo-tube in Blackgate Prison. Batman should probably think twice about threatening people, especially escapadiliogolists. Now Calvin probably won't contact Batman at all when he finds The Gotham Butcher! Why should he?! Fuck Batman and his control issues! What a dick.

Meanwhile, Sebastian Clark and The Gotham Butcher have decided to team up to destroy Gotham City. And they shouldn't have to worry about Bane and his invasion of Gotham City because nobody knows where Bane or his island has gone. I guess Forever Evil is taking place in a pocket dimension! Earth 0.05, perhaps.

Talon #12 Rating: No change. I still don't care for Undead Calvin Rose but I do care for The Gotham Butcher! He's such a sweet teddy bear. Who else can burn 117 orphan children to death and still leave you laughing?

Talon #8

Are Scott Snyder and Guillem March sick of the Court of Owls too?

Writing about thirteen comic book commentaries a week, I often find myself hesitant to read the next comic in my stack because I have absolutely nothing left to say about comics or masturbation. This is especially true when a comic I'm not really that interested in winds up at the top of the stack. Right now, out of the entire New 52, Talon is the comic I'm least interested in reading. As such, I plan to not say much about it! By saying this, I am relieving any pressure to be whimsical or silly or, Chaos Forbid, funny. In lieu of my lack of verbiage, I present a Talon comic strip even though I don't fucking owe you anything!

Last time we left Bane, he was busy killing the shit out of Talon. Why aren't there more villain titles? Deathstroke is the only title, current or retired, of The New 52 that features a bad guy. And the way Deathstroke has been used over the years, I wouldn't argue if somebody wanted to argue with me about that designation. Constantine has his own title but he's not a bad guy; he's more of a morally ambiguous asshole. Demon Knights has a few historically villainous types in its ranks but they keep saving the world as Baby Stormwatch, so they don't count either. Jonah Hex gets a starring role credit in All Star Western but, once again, he's not a villain; he's simply a psychopath with a pretty decent moral compass. I think. I wouldn't kick him out of my generally decent bed. Suicide Squad features bad guys as the main cast but they're being manipulated to do government work, so that doesn't count. Sure, the government does the most evil, percentage-wise, but it's still just like bad guys delivering letters for the postal service. What I'm trying to say is The New 52 needs to fill the ranks with some titles featuring super villains. Let's get a Lex Luthor comic book, or a Mr. 8 comic book. The super villain on the top of my "needs his own title" list is Bizarro. But I guess that would end up being a cross of Deathstroke and Tiny Titans, with Bizarro doing weird and whimsical shit while committing murders of people that probably deserve it because he's a weird guy and amoral guy.

Back to Talon, Casey and her daughter were leaving Sebastian Clark's Headquarters of Horror last issue when I remarked that I hoped Casey's daughter was good at self-defense because The Gotham Butcher was waiting outside to do some butchering. In Gotham. Hence the name.

What the fuck was The Gotham Butcher in another life? A mutant polar bear?

Instead of crushing Casey's daughter into the most delicious jelly in the world, The Butcher forces Casey to take him to Talon's hideout. Which is stupid because The Butcher has been waiting outside the hideout this whole time. Does he suddenly need an invite like future Tim Drake would need? (Because he's a vampire named Harvest!) The Butcher could have smashed his way in at any time. I think the Butcher is just going soft and suddenly realizes he doesn't really want to crush a little girl's head in his massive fist. Or maybe he can't? Maybe his weakness is innocence!

Casey decides she'd rather take The Butcher back to headquarters to kill Calvin Rose than have her daughter suddenly not be able to do math or, you know, anything else. So they head back to Sebastian Clark's house where they find Calvin Rose, dead! Dead! DEAD!

Or not. Casey declares he's dead but I don't trust her ability to do scientific and medical stuff since she's a woman. I mean a woman in love with him! Sheesh. I'm not completely sexist! She probably feels a faint heartbeat and then declares he's dead so The Butcher will shrug his shoulders and go bother Batman.

Meanwhile the Court of Owls are at the library exaggerating in each others' faces.

For aeons, hunh? Now I'm picturing microbes in some primordial ooze and they're all wearing Owl masks. I would have drawn that but I hit my limit on drawing shit today and I'm also not Gary Larson.

The Gotham Butcher takes Casey and her daughter to be interrogated and beaten by Grandmaster Wycliffe. The Butcher probably brought Calvin Rose's corpse back to be resurrected as well. Grandmaster Wycliffe wants answers that only Calvin knows. Also, he simply wants to torture Calvin by bringing him back to pseudo-life because Calvin cost the Court so much money during his vacation to Securitus Island.

Calvin is resurrected and Grandmaster Wycliffe lets him in on the deal: Calvin Rose works for the Court of Owls again and The Gotham Butcher doesn't kill Casey. I bet the real deal is for Calvin Rose to work for the Court of Owls and Grandmaster Wycliffe won't show Calvin the video of The Butcher killing Casey. That was my way of saying she's probably already dead. Why not kill her? It's not like she can be Calvin's girlfriend any more! That would just be weird. I guess she can be his Tech Guru. He's going to need one of those once he finishes off the Court of Owls and builds his Owl's Nest in Gotham.

Anyway, Calvin is now a bona fide super hero with regeneration powers and super strength and one terrible weakness! That weakness is eating ice cream too fast, if you were wondering.

Grandmaster Wycliffe gets his answers from subjugated Calvin. He now knows that Sebastian Clark is in Santa Prisca with Bane. But he doesn't know that Bane has an army of goofball villains ready to take over Gotham. That means they'll have to kill The Court of Owls and Batman and maybe The Penguin.

But Bane will have to wait. Calvin Rose's first mission to keep Casey alive is to kill Mary Turner, The Birds of Prey Talon. I hope he accidentally kills Condor instead!

Talon #8 Rating: -1 Ranking because I was hoping Calvin Rose could remain a normal fucking human being for the entire run of this comic book. Now who cares if he can escape shit since he can't be killed. Or can barely be killed. Will every trap he encounters now be filled with snow and ice? I didn't think I could become less interested in this comic book. I also didn't think I could ever be wrong about anything! Boy, I'm learning lessons left and the other one!