Aquaman #25

Last issue, Aquaman found out that The Trench were one of the races descended from the Ancient Atlanteans. So now Aquaman needs to do some serious apologizing for collapsing the entrance to their kingdom and banishing them to the depths of the ocean without any food. Unless he threw some Hostess Snack Cakes into the deep sea hole with them to calm them down and save the day. I might be confusing last issue with an advertisement.

This final battle against the Dead King had better be worth the extra dollar DC snuck out of my wallet! At least they aren't charging Batman prices for this issue. What the hell is going on with Snyder's Batman? The last two issues cost about fifteen dollars between them!

Aquaman plans on leading The Trench to battle The Dead King. With The Dead King's scepter, he has power over The Trench so he probably won't need to apologize to them. He'll just use a magic item to manipulate them. Who cares though, right? They're obviously monsters who look so completely different than the Atlanteans and the Xebels that they should be treated like shit. It's not like Aquaman knows how to speak their slimy inkblot language. But Aquaman's main goal doesn't seem to be to defeat the Dead King and take back the throne. Why would it? Aquaman doesn't care about ruling. What Aquaman does care about is finding Mera. She's been missing for six months now while Arthur hung out in Vulko's tent growing a beard.

Enh, she can take care of herself.

Geoff Johns wastes no time having Arthur attack Atlantis because he has to get this shit over with before his replacement writer hits the office. Usually, Johns might spend three or four pages meandering about the ocean showing panel after panel of sea life to remind the reader that this book is about a guy that can breathe underwater. But not this issue! The extra dollar is going toward some big action scenes of Aquaman's army, most of which have been coerced into joining by telekinetic or magic trident means. The only person benefiting from this assault on Atlantis is Aquaman and yet he's brought in The Trench and some Great Whites and some Killer Whales and some Moray Eels and some Manta Rays and some Sturgeon and a few Lemon Party Sharks. They've just been drafted to risk their lives so Aquaman can regain his wife. He's not even going to pay them even though he has sixty billion dollars of sunken treasure at his disposal! You know how many seals a Killer Whale could buy with that kind of cheddar?

I bet "cheddar" for money is rhyming slang somehow!

Also, I was wrong about Geoff Johns getting right to the action. I just counted how many pages were used before the assault which is also the title page: nine! I think that is one page over the additional pages paid for by my extra dollar. So that's why I had to pay more! Now I'll get twenty pages of war story! Okay, maybe ten because we still need ten pages of resolution where Arthur and Mera kiss and they go home to feed Aquadog.

Aquaman frees Mera first thing but then decides to free some other prisoners and save Atlantis since he's, you know, here already but no big deal or nothing. He also makes sure to free the Atlantean prisoners because eventually the army he came with is going to shake off their mind shackles and begin thinking, "Why the fuck am I risking my life for this manipulating bastard?"

How cute. Aquagirl and her gang of assholes are suddenly all sugary sweetness. "Thanks for rescuing us, My King! You were always My King, really! Never once did I look up the meaning of Regicide for use in a future diary entry!"

After freeing his subjects who have rethought their loyalty now that they've gotten a taste of a king who is a real fucking asshole, Arthur finally gets to confront that fucking asshole. First thing they should do is swap tridents! Also, they should switch weapons! That first sentence about swapping was a sexual innuendo!

Yeah! What kind of king enslaves his own people?! You should be enslaving other races and stupid sea creatures, dumb dumb!

Once Atlan realizes the Atlanteans are turning against him and the Xebellions are on the run, he decides to destroy Atlantis once more by smashing it to pieces with his Scepter and sinking it below the ocean's bottom. If he does that, then the Atlanteans are going to have to learn how to breathe magma! It would probably make Aquaman a lot cooler! Atlan the Dead King points out how Arthur is the enemy because he doesn't want The Dead King ruling everything. But Atlan should get a closer look at Aquaman and realize that he's the son of an Atlantean and a Land Mammal. He's the culmination of everything that Atlan believed in when he was king! You know, before his entire family was slaughtered by Arthur's relatives.

Oh hey! It looks like Atlantis might still get the chance to become an awesome city of lava with magma-breathing denizens!

The Dead King and his scepter are melted into oblivion in the lava but Arthur's skin is tough enough that he swims away unharmed. Even his clothing and bandages don't burn off! Those Atlanteans make some tough first aid supplies.

And everybody lived happily ever after. Except Atlan. And Nereus. And all the dead Trench creatures. And the dead sea animals. And probably Vulko who's going back to jail for being a dick. But you're not supposed to concentrate on minor characters in stories like these or else they get a bit too messy. Save that kind of bullshit for your Kurt Vonnegut novels.

And so the ten pages of battle have ended and the ten pages of denouement begin with Arthur and Mera's kiss. Denouement is a fancy word for "cleaning up the mess." I think that's what it literally means in whatever language it is. Lithuanian, I think.

Arthur decides to stay and rule Atlantis even though he fucking hates the job. But he figures he can be happy as long as Mera is with him. But Mera says, "Fuck this bullshit. I'm not responsible for your happiness! You're going to take out your job on me and I'll be miserable and you'll be miserable and I'm not going to take part in this dysfunctional bullshit so I'm going back home to feed the fucking dog."

This break-up reminds me of that part in Elfquest where Skywise says he's going to stay with the castle and Cutter leaves, heartbroken, to take his tribe back to the forest. So my guess is that Mera is going to wind up hanging out at the lighthouse playing with the dog and being sad because her heart has been torn out and Aquaman is going to come riding up on a dolphin and pat her on the back and they'll just smile and not say anything and Mera will give Arthur back his lodestone and everything will be good.

Whoops. I got it backwards!

Aquadog has to stay up on land with his dog-sitter, Jenny, until he can get an operation to have gills implanted in his throat.

There's also a final bit where Nereus destroys the wall of a Land Mammal's house where Orm has been living. Xebellions don't understand doors, I guess. Anyway, he claims he knows where the other Four Sea Kingdoms are and that he, and Orm, should take their places among the other kingdoms as the true Kings of the Seven Seas. And then a blurb says that this story will be concluded in a Justice League event called Rise of the Seven Seas. But aren't the Justice League already involved in a big event?! Or two?! Actually, it's probably a good time to do other stories in the Justice League books that have nothing to do with Forever Evil. Leave the Forever Evil stuff in Forever Evil! Maybe. I guess if Superman dies you can't continue doing stories in Justice League without ruining the surprise that Superman is dead. Maybe they can just leave him out and not have anybody mention him because the pain is still too raw.

Aquaman #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just typed "+1 Ranking" and I'm already wondering why I did that! I don't like that Aquaman took the throne. I don't like that Aquadog has been abandoned. I don't like how Arthur feels he can use any fucking sea life for his own selfish purposes! I don't like that Aquaman's super power is talking with fish and being able to live in high pressure environments. I don't like Aquaman! But I enjoyed this issue and think the Death of a King resolution was okay. Although Topo should have gotten a cameo. Where did he disappear to in the last six months?!

Aquaman #6

This is what happens when you spend 25 years making fun of her man.

The previous storylines dealt with some cannibalistic fish creatures who might possibly have destroyed Atlantis. And they might possibly be the result of some shenanigannery that the Queen and King of Atlantis were up to. Genetic experiments? Who knows? But none of that probably matters for this comic. For this comic, the only thing that matters was the note Aquaman found at the end of last issue:

You should also get a Dog Tower and some Doggy Litter and some Dognip.

I hope Aquaman and Mera become responsible dog owners. And I don't mean responsible in that they take care of it and love it. I mean as in picking up its shit from the public thoroughfare and keeping it on a leash so it doesn't run up to everyone else who just might not love or enjoy their pooch as much as they do. I also wonder if Aquaman will be able to telepathically communicate with it. Maybe if he sticks it in a tub of water first. I think Aquaman's telepathy doesn't have any real scientific logic behind it. He can communicate with sea creatures simply because he's the King of the Sea. The end.

Sure! Some day. But not by you because you fail in your mission and fall in love with him instead. Dumb dumb.

Four years ago, that was Mera. On a mission to destroy the so-called King of Atlantis. Mera's father sent her on this assignment but I don't know who he is. I'm sure we'll find out some day as he tries to kill Mera for betraying him. But this is all semi-ancient history! Today, Mera's hitting the town.
The story begins simply enough. Woman shops for dog food in clingy, low cut Atlantean Scale Armor. Letch working as a grocery store manager helps her pick out dog food by groping her. Woman tells asshole to get his hands off of her. Manager ignores her warning. Woman breaks manager's arm. Store security guard shows up with a gun to arrest her.

Unless the town is so small the police are always hanging out in the grocery.

Wait. What? This story just took a huge turn into the fantastic! I hate when comics do such outrageously ludicrous things like giving security guards guns! Now I don't know if I'll be able to get back into this story about a mermaid shopping for dog food.

Mera begins controlling all of the water in the store and causing a big mess but she does disarm the guard before he kills a bystander by shooting bullets which would just bounce off of Mera's tough skin and ricochet into the brainpan of one of the employees. And since it's a small town, emergency services show up almost immediately to investigate the situation.

Here we see the medical responder answer the sheriff's question, "What the hell is going on?" And then Randy proceeds to make fun of himself. Or the Letterer fucked up his speech bubbles. Again.

Mera defends herself by saying, "It's not a wound he won't recover from. And maybe he'll avoid inappropriate physical contact in the future." While I'm mostly against physical violence of all kinds, self-defense is a special case. And inappropriate physical contact by a man against a woman should be considered a violent act. It's an act of power and of intimidation and the victim should be able to respond in a violent way to match the violence inherent in the groping. I believe Mera acted entirely appropriately.

While the police try to arrest Aquawoman with their measly little guns, they receive a call over their police tricorders about an escaped convict who recently murdered his wife and is probably going back to kill his daughter now. So Mera decides to play superhero.

If there's no water around for Mera to control, can she piss herself and save the day with urine?

Aquawoman allows the police to chauffeur her to the scene of the crime where she breaks out of the handcuffs and the back of the police car to take care of the situation. And the criminal is just another jerk who doesn't have the brains to realize how strong someone born to exist in the incredible pressures at the bottom of the ocean really is.

Yeah. At least come up with a new joke that makes her laugh before she shoves your teeth down your throat.

Mera sucks the water from his body so that he collapses in fatigue, dementia, and dehydration. She's about to kill him but the daughter stops her. Mera finally has had enough of these land animals and leaps back to the ocean.

Sitting alone on the beach, Mera thinks back to when she told her father she would not kill Aquaman because he isn't what they thought he was and he isn't interested in the throne of Atlantis.

Does Mera's father rule over the destroyed Atlantis? Or is there a secret Atlantis? Or is the Atlantis at the bottom of the ocean under the dome a place in the DCnU?

One of the clerks at the store brings Mera the dog food she was looking for and agrees to deliver it to her whenever Mera calls. Some of Mera's anti-land dweller feelings erode a way a bit as she realizes some people can be okay. But only when they want something! I think this store clerk, Jennifer, is in love with Mera!

Aquadog finally gets some food and that's almost the end of the issue. But then Aquaman finally shows up to his own title and tells Mera they've got a mission!

Unless he decides to kill you instead.

Aquaman #6 Rating: No change. The art has really gone downhill since that first issue. It's not bad by any means. But it isn't magnificent. It's just middle of the road. But it's the same artists! I think they just had a lot more time to prepare for the first issue. I liked how this issue dealt with Mera's relationship with her father and how different it is than Aquaman's relationship with his dad. Another quality issue of Aquaman! I can't wait until he goes up into space!