Batman: The Dark Knight #25

Time once again for some lonely jerk losing himself in a character and spending all of his time dealing with The Penguin! Also Clayface is in this story.

Clayface has broken out of Arkham Asylum again because nobody knows how to keep that guy incarcerated while still maintaining an illusion of humane treatment. And now The Goddamned Fucking Batman has to waste more time hunting him down.

Clayface's first visit is to The Penguin to tell him that he won't be working for him anymore. He's paid his debt and he's going out on his own now. I wonder what ever happened between him and Poison Ivy? They seemed like a happy couple for a little while there. While Clayface is off thinking up his own crime spree which will probably be pretty stupid (no offense intended, you big moronic pile of clay, but seriously, you don't really have much of a brain anymore. Just a big pile of slimy sludge), Batman and Commissioner Gordon are investigating Clayface's breakout at Arkham.

I think Hurwitz has pages and pages of Batman suddenly appearing and disappearing around Gordon jokes. And as long as they keep making me laugh, I'll be happy to keep seeing them in these pages.

Batman surprises even himself when he sees the footage of Clayface kidnapping people and realizes that he was correct about Clayface going out and getting a new audience. He says, "I didn't mean it literally, Alfred." This is the only acceptable use of the word "literally." When a metaphor suddenly turns real. Also you can use it this way: "I literally figuratively shit my pants when that guy attacked me with a chainsaw." Also if that happened, you probably wouldn't need the figuratively in there, would you? Maybe I should have thought up a better example.

Batman and Alfred make a list of all locations in Gotham that have any ties to Basil Karlo or his movies. The list is too big for Batman to cover himself, so he decides to get some help tracking down the kidnapped citizens. The two people he calls on for help? Black Canary and...ugh...Condor. Really, Batman? I think you're above needing that asshole's help. Unless you can accidentally get him killed! Is that the plan?!

Yes!

Luckily Batman finds Clayface first so we won't have to see any more of Condor. Except Batman probably gave Black Canary and Condor a list of his locations and they'll come swinging in at the last second to help Batman defeat Clayface. Not that Batman needs anybody else's help. But they have to make it look good so maybe a few fans will think, "Neat! Maybe I should be reading Birds of Prey too!" No, you don't need to be reading it. Not at all.

Nice sarcasm, Batman. Do you think they'll ever help you again with that attitude?

As you can see from the above page, Batman defeats Clayface by knocking him into a gigantic fondue pot. I have no idea what a gigantic pot of melted cheese was doing in the theater. Perhaps it was the hors d'oeuvres for the cast party after the show?

See? Pages and pages of these jokes!

Clayface is returned to Arkham but this time he's kept in a pressure cooker to keep him from being able to keep any form. I guess that's as humane as they can make it with this guy.

Batman: The Dark Knight Rating: +8 Ranking. This issue wasn't a "+8 Ranking" kind of issue. But I figure this comic has been way farther down in the rankings than it deserves to be since Gregg Hurwitz took over. Ever since he came on board as the writer, this comic book has been interesting and entertaining. It was a pile of shit before that though, hence it's previous position at 37 on the charts.

The Penguin #1

This is The Penguin being tricky because everyone was trying not to be shot by the umbrella. Then bang! Ha ha! Real gun!

With Batman gone, The Penguin should be running most of Gotham within the week. Especially since The Court of Owls are all running down into the sewers to set free The First Talon. I don't know why so many of them panicked! The Court of Owls are supposed to be masters of sitting on their nests and biding their time. While they're waiting things out and trying not to get noticed, The Penguin is probably on the phone making dozens of business calls. I hope this issue is just twenty pages of him calling up rivals and offering to protect them from the chaos for a piece of their business. Then when Batman is back, The Penguin will own more real estate than Bruce Wayne.

The issue begins with The Penguin watching the monitors at his casino and thinking about various people that have walked away with some of his money. Big money. But now he's watching three punks running a black jack table for a mere 35 thousand and he's a bit peeved.

DC should open an Iceberg Casino in Las Vegas. That can't fucking seem to do a decent movie without Batman in it. So how about a casino?!

This is a good looking penguin right here. I like seeing him a bit bedraggled. I like when he's drawn with his age showing. And he looks realistically fat here instead of comically fat. He's a man that enjoys the money he has while also being weighed down by the stress of running a criminal organization in Gotham. And the way he's not just worrying about 35 thousand dollars here. He's actively losing his temper over whatever shenanigans he's sensing at the Blackjack table. I have a feeling some punks are about to get the shit kicked out of them. Or worse yet, hauled into a back room in the casino, never to be heard from again.

The Penguin tries to get them to just hand over their winnings and vacate the casino forever. But one of these scam artists is just too smart for his own good. And, according to Emperor Blackgate, that's a bad attribute in Gotham City!

It's seems insulting a man that just got fucked over pretty hard might be a stupid thing to do.

The Penguin escorts these three gentlemen out of his casino and then kills them himself on the back steps of the Casino. He tells Lark (who has probably moved up as his right hand thug since Ogilvy betrayed him) that he hasn't killed anybody in three years. I suppose there hasn't really been any need. He's as big as they come in the criminal underworld in Gotham which means never having to lift a finger. But after Ogilvy's recent takeover, Oswald is in the mood to get a little blood on his hands. And, according to Lark's reaction, he was never going to let these guys leave alive anyway.

I like seeing The Penguin cold blooded and ruthless.

This opening scene was really well done and I hope the rest of the comic lives up to it. The Penguin is pissed and he needs to get the rumors that he's weak under control. The only problem is that I'm too impressed by this opening character sketch to say anything funny about it. And I don't think I've particularly liked anything Frank Tieri has done so far in The New 52. But then again, I think he's only worked on books with Liefeld or taken over after Liefeld clogged the toilets, flooded the bathroom, and ran out on the titles he was writing. So most of what I've read by Frank Tieri has been him sopping up fecal overflow with as many towels as he could find.

The Penguin has the dead guys dumped in front of Gotham Police Headquarters which makes Governor Carter Winston upset. Who fucking cares? You're the Governor whatever state Gotham is located in! Why don't you just go back to ignoring it like you've always done? All of a sudden you care about "your Gotham"? About returning the city to the Gotham in which you grew up? Why don't you leave it up to Mayor Hady? Oh, that's right. Mayor Hady is a gigantic corrupt asshole. So maybe you should start cleaning up Gotham by kicking out the Mayor not by shutting down the Iceberg Casino?

The Penguin isn't worried about the Governor though because the Governor is an old family friend. He apparently protected Oswald when Oswald was being bullied. But now that Oswald is the bully, Carter Winston has had a change of heart. The casino has to go.

I wonder, will The Penguin kill the Governor? Oh I hope so! I hate pretentious politicians that believe they know what everybody else needs! I bet he has a heroin habit that he's not advertising.

But I guess Oswald doesn't have time to figure out if Carter has a heroin habit or something nearly as bad that a self-righteous politician would hate to have exposed to the public. So he creates his own scandal for Carter.

Whoops!

The Penguin drugged Carter with Venom and Carter went on a rampage and killed his assistant. There's also evidence that he was having an affair with her. So it looks like the Iceberg Casino will be staying open! And the Governor can disappear back to whatever city is the capital of whatever state Gotham City is in!

Or, um, maybe not.

I guess you can't argue with those last words! Because, you know, you can't argue with a dead man. But if he wasn't dead, I'd tell him to think up something else to say before he shoots himself. Because the bullies never get it "right." There's nothing to get "right." Are you trying to say that some people will eventually turn really bad so they should be killed by bullies in their youth before they've had a chance to show themselves as good or bad people? I don't know, that's what it seems like you're saying. The bullies didn't "get it right" because you know exactly why they were picking on Oswald: because he was fat and had a freakish nose and waddled and carried an umbrella everywhere. Were those the "right" reasons to bully him? Of course not! And perhaps Oswald became bitter and angry and vile because he was picked on, not just buy bullies, but by society. In every way, he was probably reminded constantly that he wasn't attractive. He was probably passed up for jobs to be filled by better looking people. He probably heard people whispering, laughing, pointing. Every. Fucking. Day. Because bullies aren't just a couple of thick-headed assholes that roam schoolyards looking for the weak and powerless to pick on. Bullies are everywhere. Bullies are just people who don't respect the individuality of another person, writing them off for superficial and shallow reasons. Bullies are people who write shitty comic books and ruin great characters like Superman and the Teen Titans. Unless I got that last one backwards and bullies are people who constantly berate people who write those comic books?

Umm, never mind about that bully stuff. The governor was right! Sometimes bullies get it right! Scott Lobdell sucks!

Penguin #1 Rating: This issue was okay. I liked the opening scene about forty times more than the rest of the book. But it's nice to see Oswald Cobblepot being badass and taking charge of his life and his city. I think my favorite part of this issue was the way the Penguin looked in many of the panels. It's nice to see an older character that doesn't look perfect in tights gracing the pages of a comic book, even if he is a despicable murderer. The way he looked weathered and tired just nailed it for me.

Catwoman #21

I must not be the typical comic book fan if looking at this picture merely makes me think, "I wonder what fucking farmyard animal I'm going to have to draw for this commentary's Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm?"

Maybe I should write like a normal comic book reviewer? They all seem to have columns on well-respected comic book news blogs and I'm just over here in my dark, moist corner of the internet being looked down on by Google Ads. Fuck you, Google Ads! I didn't want your shitty revenue anyway! You can take a big fat cock right up your clean shaven ass and/or cunt and/or other orifice (most probably around the face area) depending on your gender and the way in which you don't like taking cock! And if you love taking cock in all of those ways then I hope you do something else that you really don't like! I bet stubbing your toe is a good suggestion! Nobody can like stubbing their toe, right?!

Hmm, maybe it's rants like those that caused Google Ads to judge and despise me? Maybe its spewing that kind of vile garbage that has kept me from excelling at my job? Maybe the lack of contact with any family isn't the fault of those fucking mooching bastard family members?

Could I be the problem?

Maybe I should practice writing normal comic book reviews! But first I should read a few to get a feel for them. I'm going to read some reviews of Catwoman Annual #1 now!

**TIME PASSES**

Ugh! I thought reading Nocenti was bad! If I have to wade through another cat and/or bird pun again, then I'll...well, I never really have an answer for this kind of set-up. Why don't I just begin with "I hope I never..."? But no! I have to set up an if-then statement and completely fail to come up with a then half!

Not that all the other reviews were bad. One (which I won't be linking to because it's the competition! Sheesh. You think I'm a schmuck?) was actually decent. What I mainly learned was nearly everybody despises Ann Nocenti's run on Catwoman. But if that's true, why is it still happening? Maybe it'll get better with this issue! I'm going to try really hard to like it!

The issue begins with The Penguin's war on the Badlands having been escalated to a small war. An Umbrellacopter is raining bullets and missiles down on all of the Rat-Tales (Woo--oh shut up) and Selina is trying to help out. Or save her own life. Uh oh. I know I'm in trouble when I'm already apathetic about the reasons for what's going on and I'm only on page three.

Oh, she feels guilty for having set this shit-storm in motion. Also, Joe Pazzo was possed! Who Edits the Editors?!

See those catapults? Catwoman is an expert with them! Of course she is! Duh! She's also probably an expert at catering and inserting catheters! Oh shit, am I making Cat Puns? I'm glad I never committed to what I'd do if I had to wade through any more! But it isn't my fault! It's not like I thought, "You know what would make an entertaining and witty review? If I made cat puns throughout the comic book!" No, no. The comic book made the pun itself!

She must have played a lot of Artillery on her Apple IIe.

In a coincidence so grand it would be labeled as not a coincidence and thus Proof of God, the man named Volt lands in the water on an electric fishing line and gains electric person super powers. It's fate! Destiny! Intelligent Design! Contrivance!

Wasn't there already a female character named Volt in an earlier Catwoman comic under Judd Winick? Oh no. That was Reach although she did have electric powers! And then there was the male character named Spark who had electric powers. What the fuck is up with Catwoman and characters with electric powers? I guess they rub her the wrong way!

Later there's a scene so we can see The Penguin's ladies in their underwear. It's fairly...what's that? Oh, okay.

I'd feel less pervy scanning this in if I at least knew the character's name!

Next is a scene at the morgue where Mayor Hady is telling Detective Bullock to sit this one out. He wants the gang members to kill themselves. What he's most curious is who's winning the war so he, obviously, consults the coroner. "Coroner Bill" (I guess that's his super hero name) makes a quick count of people in tuxedos versus people with crappy hair cuts and determines that the Rat-Tails are winning. He must have other facts at his disposal as well like how many Rat-Tails there are and how many men The Penguin sent in to fight and how many bodies are just innocent victims. I really have no clue why Mayor Hady needs to know who's winning though. Perhaps he doesn't want The Penguin to lose and he'll send the police in if The Penguin seems to be losing. Which he is. Because he doesn't have Catwoman on his side.

Back in The Penguin's lair, The Penguin wants to know why he's losing. Lark, his second in command, tells him it's because the Rat-tails know their turf too well. Her suggestion is to move the war to neutral territory. Well, that's a stupid fucking idea. Why don't you begin bombing an area of Gotham where the Rat-tails don't live? Then they'll move over there to be bombed and they'll lose! Why don't you think before you speak, Lark? Why would the Rat-tails leave their turf to fight the war somewhere else when they're not actually interested in fighting anyway? They just want to stop being bombed!

As bombs are falling and people are dying and newspapers are running off extra after extra (by the hour, I think!), there's still time to take a break and reminisce about our youth.

Back in the late 70s and early 80s before Recycling was a huge deal and before society really began cracking down on underage drinking, the trees lining the field of the local junior high near my house used to be filled with bags of empty beer bottles. My cousin and I would walk along the border between the trees. We'd find a bottle to be our champion, sometimes choosing by color, sometimes by label, and sometimes just thinking a 40 ouncer would be unbeatable, and we'd kick them as we walked along. We'd try to smash the other guy's bottle by hitting their bottle broadside with the neck of our bottle. We probably left thousands of shards of glass all over Wilson Junior High. Sorry for everybody who was lacerated because of us!

Back to the war, The Penguin is tired of his soldiers being killed so he decides to load up in an Umbrellacopter and go after Catwoman himself. Actually, he decides to fly near her and tell her he's going to kill everybody she cares about. Well wasn't that what was fucking going on already? Well, if it wasn't, it's going on now! The Penguin has heard a rumor that maybe Catwoman is friends with King Rat-tail, so The Penguin arrives to blow a hole in the ground which King Rat-tail disappears into. Amazing how The Penguin's rain of bombs does nothing but now that The Penguin is here to aim and fire just one missile, he takes out King Rat-tail. Now he's hurt Catwoman's feelings and defeated the leader of the Rat-tails! Two birds with one stone!

The Penguin also threatens to kill anybody else Catwoman ever gets close to. Good luck! How about starting with Batman?

Catwoman #21 Rating: No change. I suppose now that Rat-tail fell underground, Catwoman is going to have to visit the little goblin's kingdom! Oh, it'll be a grand adventure! Also, I didn't like this comic book but it wasn't so terrible as other Catwoman comic books. It just wasn't any good. And it wasn't interesting. It was just pages with pictures on them. You can probably tell I lost interest fairly quickly. Probably right about the time I said I was losing interest!

Catwoman #20

Penguins nest in mausoleums?

I am declaring June 14th "Ann Nocenti Day!" On that day, everybody needs to talk like a character from an Ann Nocenti comic book. Instead of actually engaging in dialogue with another person, everyone should just spout random facts at each other that have some kind of tenuous link to the conversation or the actions they're currently engaged in. The good thing about Ann Nocenti Day! is that your facts do not have to be correct. Although you shouldn't just make shit up entirely out of whole cloth (is that a saying? If it is a saying and this were Ann Nocenti Day!, I'd be able to tell you where that phrase came from!). It's not about lying. But you don't have to worry if the facts you think you know are true! No fact checkers on Ann Nocenti Day! The only reason I decided to make it June 14th is that the date is far enough in the future that I'll probably forget all about it and not have to celebrate it.

Last issue, Catwoman ended up in the clutches of the Super Secret Society of Super-villains. But the end of that story is probably being saved for Justice League of America #4 or else Ann Nocenti will fuck it right the hell up. Oh! That might be another thing you should do on Ann Nocenti Day! Whatever you're working on at work, you have to treat it as if you're coming to it for the first time. Try to pretend you know nothing about your current job and then do your job as you think you would if you didn't know how to do it. But do it like a champ! Act like you know what the fuck you're doing! Don't ask anyone for help or research anything! Just ask youself, "What would Ann Nocenti do?"

This issue begins with Oswald Cobblepot putting new jewelry on his dead mother's fingers. Well. That's fucking weird. Catwoman is spying on him and being a big judgmental bitch! And by bitch, I mean female cat. That's what they're called, right? Ha ha! I'm practicing for Ann Nocenti Day!

Technically, that's a Knowledge Farm Fun Fact!

Catwoman has been in Gotham long enough to know that most of Gotham's criminal masterminds are shorty runty-runt pants. The Penguin isn't even the smallest! I think Scarface is the shortest. Unless Ferdie is smaller! I know he's gayer. It's a fact!

Oh! Here's an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Fun Fact! My step-uncle is Sam Adams, the man that plays the part of the Portland Mayor's assistant in Portlandia. When he was running for real mayor, I thought his campaign slogan should be "The Wayer Gayer Mayor." He didn't go for it. But he won anyway, so I guess he made the right call not to use it. Kyle Maclachlan makes a better mayor anyway.

I think I may have mentioned that fact before. It's hard remembering everything you've ever said across one thousand commentaries.

Catwoman picks the lock on the crypt while teaching everyone a little bit of slang she picked up from a quick read of the Wikipedia entry on lockpicking. Unlike the issue of Green Arrow where Nocenti peppered his dialogue with Poker Slang, I can't tell if she's using it correctly here because I don't know lockpicking slang. My guess is she's not.

After she makes a copy of the crypt key using a secret process known only to people with an internet connection, Catwoman is punched in the face by one of The Penguin's Crypt Keepers.

He must not have been able to tell that she's a girl.

I think this guy is Blade! He must have been hunting vampires and wandered into the wrong comic book company.

Catwoman recognizes him too! She thinks she met him in the Black Room but the only flashback she has is of the weird black goo that touched her ass (see the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea header!). I have a choice now. Do I move my Batman and Robin Cabbage Patch Kids so I can dig in my comic book box and check out Catwoman #16 to see who this guy is or do I just ignore it and move on? Serious comic book historians would dig into the back issue so that they could precede with all the knowledge at their disposal. But I don't think I've been serious about anything for over twenty-five years!

Oh, what the heck! I'm curious as to why a guy that was in The Black Room is now guarding crypts for The Penguin! Perhaps his life just took a turn for the worse when he was possessed by The Escalator!

Well that was a waste of effort. If this guy was in The Black Room, he was a member of A.R.G.U.S. and now he's working for The Penguin. This guy must have really pissed in Steve Trevor's coffee. Unless Catwoman just recognizes his essence and realizes he's going to end up turning into The Escalator. Which means she actually recognizes him from her brush with the Rat Tales gang and not from The Black Room! I don't blame Catwoman so much for this error of memory. But I do blame the editor for reinforcing the idea that she met him in The Black Room! The editor should have had a note that said, "Actually, his name is Joe Pazzo and he kidnapped Gwen and he works for The Formally Dressed Boys (or The Penguin, more likely) as seen in Catwoman #18! Oh, and he's possessed by THE ESCALATOR!!!"

It would probably be easier to research back issues if I were buying these stupid things digitally. It would definitely be easier to store them!

As Catwoman enters the crypt, leaving Joe Pazzo struggling to remove the bolas keeping his hands and feet tied together like an Argentinian Caballo run down in Las Pampas by some caballeros, The Penguin is busy becoming The Toyman because Ann Nocenti doesn't give a fuck. He's in a secret basement that only he and his top men and Catwoman know about. Catwoman narrates the action because she's somehow become an omnipotent narrator.

It's also possible that Ann Nocenti believes people launder money to remove their fingerprints. I didn't say it's probably she thinks that! But it is possible. Very, very possible. Which is probably probable. Anyway, it isn't improbable!

I don't know if Selina robbed the crypt or not. I guess she did and that's why The Penguin is screaming, "SHE DID WHAT?", on the above page. Whatever the case, the scene shifts now to Selina's apartment where she's chewing the cat cud with Gwen. "Chewing the Cat Cud" is what happens when a cow is slaughtered on a farm. The farmer removes the "cud" because nobody likes to eat already chewed cud and then he feeds it to the farm cats.

I can't wait for Ann Nocenti Day! Why did I schedule it for so far away!

That's weird. When playing Call of Duty, I've never heard anybody say, "I love trash talking!" immediately after saying, "Fucking camping faggot!"

I guess Gwen was bailed out by The Penguin since he's blackmailing her which takes a bite of Catwoman's cut on all of her jobs. But Gwen doesn't seem to want Catwoman to know. But she does know. I may have forgotten some of the history between these two while drawing farm animals and thinking up new ways to phrase "Ann Nocenti can't write." Also, look at the computer monitor in the above panel. That's a pretty good shot of the office from a camera installed underneath the desktop!

Of course, if I'd just finished reading the second half of this page, I could have answered my own question! Gwen tells Selina that everybody pays a cut to The Penguin because he's such a fearful, monstrous crime lord. You know he's fearful because he took the name of the one animal nobody has ever been afraid of ever. Well, maybe that's true of Guinea Pigs too. He could have been The Guinea Pig! And then Ogilvy would have been Emperor Guinea Pig! Oh my god! That would be so cute! Especially if he were Emperor Abyssinian Guinea Pig!

Oh. Well that explains that then! He must have escalated his smell.

While Selina is out hanging around in a fish and chips bar, The Escalator (in Pazzo's body) happens to walk past and see her. He's just come from ruining Joe Pazzo's life by beating up Joe's daughters in front of his wife. So now that makes him free to kill Catwoman for some reason. To drive her out of the bar (because The Escalator can't fight in a fish and chips bar!), The Escalator escalates the lust of all of the men in the bar. I think he also escalates their stupidity because they all act on their feelings immediately. Of course, being an owner of a penis, I understand. Whenever I meet someone I think is super sexually attractive, I immediately try to put my ding dong in their ding dong receptacle. I'm not 100% sure but I think the receptacle is located between the legs somewhere. It's like an anti-ding dong.

Holy shit, she's good! I could never out Ann Nocenti Ann Nocenti! She nails her Fun Facts with this bit about Tigers and Bulls that she doesn't even care that it's false AND the mistaken belief is harmful to tigers and bulls! I'm in awe. She's a fucking master.

Catwoman decides to start kicking their asses. I was under the impression her lust would be driven through the roof as well. But I guess you have to have some lust for it to escalate. And Batman isn't around, so it's arctic tundra time in Selina's hot pants. I think that was a mixed race metaphor.

This guy knows less about the female anatomy than I do! It's her ding dong receptacle, you ding dong!

What kind of fucking perverts were working at Hostess? Ding Dongs. Snowballs. Ho Hos. Zingers. Twinkies. Fruit Pies. Mini Muffins. Cup Cakes. Suzy Qs. I'm pretty sure those are all euphemisms for genitalia or sex acts.

The Escalator decides that maybe just this once, he can enter a Fish and Chips Bar. He's tired of waiting for the men to rape Selina so he can kill her, so he crashes through the window. Selina and The Escalator declare "Game On" and then go outside to fight. I hate that phrase. "Game on." It's usually uttered when the game is already 75% over. Who waits that long to begin playing? Didn't they ever hear that poem about that jerk in Mudville that strikes out? There were some other phrases like "Game On" that I was going to bitch about but then my cat, Pelafina, jumped up on my comic book boxes and I lost my train of thought while giving out lots of loving kitty head scratches.

Outside the bar, The Escalator begins escalating nature. I guess that's why he didn't want to go in the Fish and Chips Bar. It's never good when you escalate fish and chips. Apparently it's not good when you escalate nature either! It causes birds to go all Birdemic and sand to go all Dust Bowl and clouds to go all super soft and puffy. Catwoman is going to have to think of just the right emotion for him to escalate now! And since it's Ann Nocenti, I'm guessing she's going to choose Cramps. That's an emotion, right?

The Escalator chooses to escalate suicidal tendencies. I guess everyone in Gotham has those because everybody begins heading toward the water to drown. Catwoman's last chance is to use her lethal mind blast!

Seriously. I have no idea what just happened here. Unless it was a sniper!

I guess she sliced his neck open with her claws although you'd think in the medium of comic books where both words and pictures are used, one of them would have clued me in as to what happened. Sure, Penguin explains it later. But I don't like having to wait one full page before understanding what I was expected to understand a page earlier!

Nobody remembers Joe Pazzo as the Escalator, so they all believe Catwoman killed him. Except Pazzo is hauled off by The Penguin's men who just happened to be flying by in their helicopter to check on The Penguin's order of fish and chips. Now The Penguin wants to start a war with Catwoman. And he might as well throw in the Rat Tales while he's at it since he's been meaning to mess up their shit anyway.

Catwoman #20 Rating: No change. I'm going to go easy on it this month because there were some things that might possibly have been decent if Ann Nocenti hadn't gotten her musk all over them. I like that Catwoman has a problem with The Penguin who wants a cut of all the crime in Gotham. So Catwoman wants to free Gwen from his grasp and remain as independent as possibly. Although if you're having sex with Batman so that he'll let you steal whatever you want (at least when he's not mourning his stupid dead sidekicks), I'd hardly consider that independent. But the dialogue, as always, is awful and unnatural. And the Escalator doesn't seem to have really been thought out as well as it should have been. He escalates emotion. Oh! And nature! Also he escalates one emotion into that of another emotion! Or does he only escalate the emotion he's currently feeling? And then how does that cause him to escalate "nature"?

Anyway, I have the great joy of reading yet another Catwoman comic book next week when the Annual comes out! Hooray!

Detective Comics #15

I think I'm tired of this cover!

Last issue Poison Ivy proved to everyone that Katana isn't as accurate with her sword as she makes herself out to be. She also proved she loves big, sculpted, malleable dicks. That's why she married Clayface! Because he has and is one both! I just added that last sentence so all the people making their own jokes could see that I meant for that statement to encompass both meanings of dick. And even more meanings of dick if there are any more!

The Penguin's goons decide to bury Poison Ivy alive instead of killing her. Now, I seem to remember Ogilvy saying the boss wanted Poison Ivy dead. And I think planting Poison Ivy in the ground is a far cry from blowing her brains out against one of Gotham's poorly constructed walls. Ogilvy really isn't too smart to live in Gotham, is he? He's going to make it big here someday seeing as how stupid he is! Putting Poison Ivy in the ground is like gently setting a plant in a pot and packing it firmly (but not too firmly!) with potting soil and nutrients, watering it carefully and giving it a nice warm ledge on the kitchen window. That's pretty much the opposite of making something dead!

Oh stop playing the damsel in distress! Just make like the beginning of The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show and sprout the fuck up out of the ground already.

One few weeks ago, Poison Ivy and Clayface went on a month long crime spree. Priot to that Poison Ivy married Clayface in Las Vegas. Prior to that she had to break him out of Arkham which was impossible. Prior to that she had to resurrect herself after having been killed by Katana. Now months after she was killed, somebody finally put her in a hole in the ground and her husband is pissed.

What is it with everyone and blood smears lately? Is Clayface possessed by Father Lost too?

Oh give it a rest!

Clayface is not possessed by Father Lost but he is being controlled by Poison Ivy. So maybe a person's obsession with turning another person into a bloody smear is a surefire way to know that someone is being mind controlled!

Back at the Iceberg Casino, Ogilvy checks in with the Penguin to report that Poison Ivy has been taken care of. And they both show why they're so spectacularly successful in Gotham City! It's because they're dumb as fucking rocks.

Poison Ivy is both an animal and a plant! She provides her own oxygen and her own carbon dioxide. Dumb dumbs!

The Penguin is too busy to think about how Poison Ivy can't suffocate in an airtight container because he needs to get ready for The Joker's party. He's so nervous he can't even speak correctly.

Oh Ogilvy. You just became too smart for Gotham. Well, it was good getting to know you.

Batman does his detective thing after he escapes from the clutches of Clayface. He discovers that Clayface has only been out of Arkham for a week and that he hasn't been on any crime spree and he hasn't been to Las Vegas and he has not once set foot in Poison Ivy's private garden. You know what garden I'm talking about! It's the one located next to her septic tank. During he's research, I think he's about to reveal what happened to Poison Ivy when she was killed by Katana!

Yes, yes. Since her incident with the Birds of Prey--when she was killed? Is that what you're going to say, Batman?!

Oh, fuck you. What about the incident when they got back? The one involving the Japanese sword and the Japanese sword she wields!

Batman doesn't really give a shit about the mysteries I give a shit about! He's currently invested in finding out how Clayface is being manipulated. Seems pretty obvious, doesn't it? I mean, Clayface doesn't usually run around with flowers sprouting out of his grit. But Batman has to know for sure. He has to know what plant is being used. He has to know where the plant is from. He has to know the right growing conditions for it to flourish. He has to know what it feels like to rub it up along the inside of his scrotum while Alfred slides the bat dildo up his ass. He has to know if it makes a good pizza topping. He has to know every fucking thing about it before he does what he was going to do no matter what he learned about the flower: bathe Clayface in herbicides and napalm. Come on, Batman! Everybody knew that was what you were going to resort to.

Batman then has to explain to Clayface how the happiest month of Clayface's life was a total sham.

Yeah, imagine because you certainly aren't going to ever experience it, you mud sack.

After I get back from imagining what Poison Ivy could do with a man and a plant, I have to read about Batman feeling bad because he didn't realize Clayface was capable of a broken heart. How fucking patronizing, Batman! Just because he's a big, disgusting, smelly, rotten-toothed mess of a lump of dirt, you didn't think he was capable of feeling love? Those kinds of wrecks are the worst when it comes to falling in love! He probably falls in love with every single woman that's ever nice to him. I see you smirking, you Bat Jerk! You love doing...oh hey! Has anyone seen the object of affection lately?

There she is! Ogilvy is digging her up because he knew all along about plants and oxygen and reciprocation and hand jobs.

Oh Ogilvy! My, er um, you little schemer you! p.s.iloveyou!

Those dashes after Ignatius Ogilvy's name lead into the most groaner inducing splash page I've ever seen in all my many, many years of reading comic books. I'm going to scan that page but I'm warning you: Do not read it if you're easily nauseated. Do not read it if you're pregnant. Do not read it if you're taking medication to thin your blood. Do not read the following panel if you have any respect for yourself at all. Are you ready?

Are you sure? I'm serious about this warning! You can't come back from this!

You're still in for this, hunh? You think you're a tough guy, right? "Oh, it's just a fucking character name reveal! I've seen hundreds of those! No way this is as bad as a Plastic Man comic book or any Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew pun-filled dialogue. Bring it on!"

Okay. Fine. But by reading this next page, you're acknowledging that you're the type of person eager and willing to have sex on the floor of a truck stop bathroom.

Okay. Maybe after that lead up it wasn't so bad. But that lead up was like body armor! I took that shot straight to the face!

The back-up story stars Clayface pouting in the sewers. Yeah, that big lug was in love. He had it bad!

Hey Tumblrites! Ship this! What are you going to tag this one? ClayIvy? Or PoisonFace!

Clayface sits in the sewers reminiscing about how he fell in love with Poison Ivy by reading her letters but mostly because of the seeds included in the letters that grew in his clay and made him open to suggestion and caused him to hallucinate. He decides to meet Poison Ivy later at their rendezvous point.

Does that question mark on the end of FIN indicate rape? Or impotence?

Detective Comics #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Aw shit. I enjoyed reading this comic book. I also really like Ogilvy. Although he almost lost me when he dropped that Emperor Penguin line. So corny, sir! But what I really liked was the pathos in the Clayface story. The poor, pitiful, woman-abusing bastard.

Detective Comics #13

This month: No Rob Liefeld. No J.T. Krul. No Tony S. Daniel. Things are looking up!

Apparently Batman justifies his over-the-top violence by participating in monetary offsets.

Except you're doing it wrong, Batman! If you're creating a lot of business for those careers, why do they need monetary help? You should be donating to some sort of health insurance program for people brought to justice by The Batman.

I guess Bruce Wayne's rationale is that a lot of these criminals going in for emergency surgery on their jaws, arms, ribs, legs, spines, skulls, and whatever other bones exist won't have insurance or the ability to pay. Which would make a normal person think, "Why am I putting down and out people in the hospital when they get desperate and commit a crime? Perhaps there is a better way?" But why bother with a better way when you can just assuage your guilt by throwing money at people already making good money? Just think how many people you could have helped with that money! And what about all of the money you've spent on weapons to fight crime? That probably could have been put to better use as well!

Now I just sound like Judas chastising Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar.

One thing definitely hasn't changed with the change in the creative team:

The huge double splash pages!

Batman is on patrol when a sniper in a Japanese demon mask gets him in his sights. He asks for permission to take him out but his controller denies him. The only person they're supposed to be taking out that night is Bruce Wayne. Oh the irony!

The Penguin has ordered the hit on Bruce Wayne because he doesn't want him near the commemoration of the Martha Wayne Wing of the Neville Community Center. I don't know why he doesn't want him there! The wing is being named after his mother! And why does The Penguin need him killed simply to keep him from being there? What are you planning, The Penguin? Are you interested in it because it's "a wing"? Aaaaack ack ack ack ack!

The Penguin is also making plans to keep The Batman busy all night so that he won't interfere. Now Batman is running around Gotham putting out fires (not literal fires! Figurative fires! Like robberies and homicide and arson! Oh, except that last one!) and the Neville Community Center is surrounded by sniper Ghost Dragons who "do not fail." No wonder the sniper wasn't allowed to take a shot at Batman. Besides believing he's bullet proof (he is!), they also don't want him suddenly taking an interest in whatever The Penguin is up to.

The night has barely started and it seems Batman has already figured out that someone is trying to keep him busy.

They don't call him The Dark Knight for nothing! I mean, the World's Greatest Detective!

You know one nickname he doesn't have? The Dark Knight Grammarian.

Batman has also figured out how the mystery person is keeping him busy. All of the robberies he's stopped tonight had the same security system with a flaw that allows the alarm to be triggered remotely. He sends Nightwing off to take care of robberies in a few businesses he knows has the same security system and heads off to attend the Martha Wayne Wing commemoration.

Gotham criminals are stupid. Trying to rob a fictional tale about jewelry.

As Batman nears the Community Center, he notices a sniper on the roof. One last distraction to deal with before he gets to the dedication. But while he's being stalled, The Penguin reveals his plan. He just wants Gotham to love him like they love Bruce Wayne. He's keeping Bruce Wayne away so he can donate some money himself and get the wing named after the Cobblepots. Along with the donation, he also offers up a nice, juicy threat. The Penguin is obviously keeping Batman busy because who wants the Batman showing up to knock out your teeth after you've had Bruce Wayne killed.

And even though Batman figures it all out and Bruce Wayne isn't killed, The Penguin manages to succeed!

It's as if The Penguin just dug up the corpse of Martha Wayne and pissed in her mouth.

Ha ha! Take that, Batman! The Penguin just...well, he sort of...I mean, he...what the fuck. Except for the threat, where's the crime? And maybe the attempted murder of Bruce Wayne. And possibly a bribe although any court would have to allow that it was a donation. Maybe conspiracy by giving out the information for all of the robberies during the night? But getting the wing renamed after his mother instead of yours? I'm pretty sure worse people have done worse things in this shitty town.
I guess Bruce Wayne just doesn't take kindly to being shown up in public. If only he'd made a larger donation! If only he'd listened to Alfred and arrived at the event on time! If only he'd done his detective work quicker! But now he's failed his mother. Poor baby.

The Penguin realizes the night has gone beautifully and there's no reason to have Wayne killed now as it would look a little bit suspicious. So he calls off the hit on Bruce Wayne. Except the Ghost Dragons, like Lobo and Deathstroke and every other mercenary in the comic book world, don't accept failure and don't quit on a job before it's complete. So before The Penguin can gloat directly in Bruce Wayne's face, the leader of the Ghost Dragons breaks in and attacks Bruce Wayne.

That's the cliffhanger part of the comic. I don't know what happens next. The next issue blurb says, "Next: Tangled up in Ivy!" I suspect that's a clue as to a villain Batman might encounter next issue. Perhaps the Floronic Man! He's on my mind because Poison Ivy mentioned Jason Woodrue in Swamp Thing #13. Now the name, "Floronic Man," won't get out of my fucking head.

The back-up story takes place a week before the main story and is about The Penguin's right hand man, Ogilvy, as he and a new recruit steal the codes for the alarm systems in the main story. He's teaching the new recruit how to survive in Gotham City by being smart. Ultimately the new recruit proves to be too smart and Ogilvy kills him because being too smart isn't smart in Gotham City's underworld. The end!

Detective Comics #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Holy shit! Detective Comics is moving up the charts! It's got a long way to go to make up for how badly Tony Daniel fouled it. But it now has a little less of his stink on it. This may also be the first Detective Comics where the back-up story was actually well done and interesting. And I like how it tied in to The Penguin story and followed his right hand man on a caper. So good work to both writers. I guess John Layman, the man behind Chew, shouldn't have surprised me with a good story. And the artists did their job as well. They just didn't have any particular style that thrilled me. The art worked but didn't stand out.

Catwoman #12

Zelda Fitzgerald thought the last line of The Great Gatsby, "So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past", should have been, "Fuck it all. Let's party, motherfuckers."

Catwoman's plan to stake out Dollhouse last issue went completely and utterly tits up! That was a pun (utter/udder! Try to follow along!)! Also, it makes you think of Selina's boobs. Detective Alvarez was nabbed by Dollhouse but he left his phone with an App on it tracking a GPS on his person. So Catwoman can follow him to Dollhouse's hideout and maybe save his life and stop Dollhouse. She also has another plan though!

Batman responds quickly to the Pussy Signal.

So Catwoman's plan this month is the same as The Birds of Prey plan this month which was Superman's plan in Action Comics last month: Tell Batman. I'm pretty sure a shit load of other heroes used this same plan but I can't be arsed to think of them all this morning! I mean, seriously, it's probably the best plan in the DC Universe! He's be the first motherfucker I'd call.
By the way, I really like the way Batman looks in that last panel. Why are three unknown cops greeting Batman on the roof? Is Gordon still in the clutches of The Scarecrow? If he is, why isn't Batman still busy trying to rescue him? I wonder if I should keep track of all of the comic books Batman appears in each month. He's busier making appearances than Wolverine over in Marvel.

I haven't been reading any Marvel comics lately. Does Wolverine still guest star in a lot of books to sell more comics each month? Or have they found a new character for that illustrious marketing spot?

Meanwhile, Alvarez is having a discussion with Dollhouse about how CSI: Miami is based on real life and logic instead of formulaic stories and overwritten dialogue. He also seems to already be familiar with Dollhouse's Modus Operandi.

I'm pretty sure he shouldn't know that information. Why does he know that information?! I think he knows her from Dead HookerCon '12.

Catwoman shows up a moment after Alvarez is knocked unconscious again with another tranquilizer dart. Earlier, Catwoman noticed the smell at the scene where Dollhouse left a half dozen tranquilized sex workers. They had all soiled themselves. So I have to assume that Alvarez's pants are a complete mess at this point.

As Catwoman fights to stop Dollhouse, she's thrown into Dollhouse's building and sees all of the real life mannequins Dollhouse has created. She freaks out a tiny bit and wonders aloud what the hell is going on. Guess what? Dollhouse can't help but explain it to her! Good super villain! Good girl!

So Dollhouse is Mathilda who was the Sexy Nurse in the first Detective Comics story arc. I liked her old outfit better!

Selina plays a little cat and mouse with Mathilda to kill time until Batman arrives. He does and Mathilda makes a run for it. Alvarez and Batman save everyone and Catwoman disappears into the night. Batman figures she always gets away (plus he sees the bottom of her boot as she disappears out of a window) but she had been hit by three tranq darts and easily could have died while Batman assumed she got away. Oh, who am I kidding? Batman would have known if she needed his help or not! He's the Goddamned Batman!

There's about a four page epilogue after the Dollhouse caper ends. Gwen (Selina's friend and current fence) tried to get in contact with Selina earlier but Selina was busy chasing after Dollhouse. So Gwen needed to take care of some business herself since she knew Selina was too emotionally invested.

Yes, that's Sparks with his brains falling out. And Gwen with the smoking pistol.

Gwen received a tip (and proof) from The Penguin that Sparks was working with the police. Gwen has taken it upon herself to protect Selina as much as possible. But why would Penguin want to help? Well, a few issues ago during the Night of the Talons, Selina saved The Penguin's life and he mentioned he owed her a favor. I think he's thinking twice about owing Catwoman a favor and is looking for a way out of that deal without completely fucking up his reputation.

Catwoman #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm just glad Sparksies is dead! That guy was a buzzkill.