Batman #23

This was the Beta Version of the Bat-signal.

Last issue Bruce Wayne was killed in an explosion. Except I understand how comic books work and I know that you can't kill the main character. I mean, sometimes you can kill the main character. But I'm almost positive that you can't kill the main character in a story that takes place six years before other stories that the main character was in! It's that kind of thinking that put me at the top of the middle of my class in school!

This issue begins with Bruce using a special technique that utilizes a shield to block the main blast of the explosion. He learned it from a Monkey with Cyborg Legs many years ago when he was wandering the Earth in search of wisdom, skills, and fighting techniques.

The Red Hood must be one of those idiot arsonists from Earth 2 who like to burn down buildings from within.

Bruce Wayne is beaten and shot twice by The Red Hood and left to burn as an example of what happens to rich Gotham business people who decide not to team up with The Red Hood's criminal power structure.

But people don't go mad when they try to find meaning in life, do they? Well, some of them seem to go mad because the meaning they find doesn't agree with the meaning found by the majority of the people. But aren't the majority just as "mad" as the schizophrenic that finds meaning in the connections between every thought he thinks and every commercial on the television and every bird that flies by and every single thing that broaches her awareness? People often think that I can't be anything but sad and fearful because I believe that while everything in the universe must abide by universal rules, the happenings within the universe are completely random and meaningless. But I look at people who need to find meaning in life as the fearful ones in their need for life to mean something more than just a thing that happens. I often say that I'm living in a world full of madmen because the average person I interact with on a daily basis believes the craziest and most delusional things. People thank an invisible creator constantly. People are proud of being from a country they were randomly born into. People believe the world will suddenly and simply reach an end point due to ancient beliefs or prophetic texts. Meaning is madness. The lack of meaning is freedom.

But you know what the lack of meaning means to people who need meaning? Anarchy. Chaos. The streets running red with blood. But you know what? Those things exist and have existed in many places and they were perpetrated sometimes by people with meaningful beliefs and sometimes by people whose lives were devoid of meaning. Meaning, or lack thereof, doesn't make anybody more or less dangerous. You really just need more empathy for greater communal comfort and safety. The main problem is that empathy is often trumped by greed, or survival instinct, or jealousy, or passion out of control, or many other emotional configurations. Empathy tends to find itself at the bottom of the hierarchy while fear quite generally resides at the top.

But The Red Hood is right that people really do fear randomness more than anything else. When somebody is murdered in your home town, the local news desperately wants to be able to give a reason for the murder because it makes people feel safer. "Oh, well, of course that person got killed with all the drama they brought into their life! But I live simply. I don't need to worry." Whereas a random murder gets people fearing going out, getting extra security on the house, purchasing a weapon for defense. I figure every day is like boarding an airplane. The majority of the time, you're going to arrive at your destination. And that one time that you don't, you really can't do fuck all about it. Of course you don't have to spend every single day boarding the most rickety ass airplane you can find piloted by the drunkest motherfucker at the airfield either! You know! When you cross the street, don't expect cars to stop for you. Take control of your own life as best you can. But don't think you can protect yourself from that one random thing that's going to eventually happen that's going to put the lights out on your dinner party.

My good friend Soy Rakelson has always been one of those meaning junkies. In high school and college, he was always on a search for the ultimate truth. One day after our literary theory class, he came up to me confused because the professor had just taught us two conflicting theories. He said, "How can a teacher teach something that he doesn't believe?!" He really did just want to be told how it all fits together and why it all exists and how it's all going to end.

Getting back to Bruce, he eventually crawls back to Wayne Manor, beaten and shot and on the verge of dying. I bet the back-up story recounts a story about how Bruce learned a technique to stop his blood from flowing out of his body and how to mentally overcome huge amounts of pain! And I bet he learned it from a sentient Taoist fern!

Hopefully Alfred knows how to brew tea that can heal a lacerated liver and loss of blood.

So this explains why The Red Hood went after Bruce Wayne!

As you can see, Philip is not very happy about the hit on his nephew. He doesn't end up killing Edward Nygma; Edward simply quits and walks away.

I only read Batman for the interactions with Alfred. The crime fighting shit is just the set decoration.

March 1985, the first DC Who's Who was published. It sold for $1.35 (45p in the UK!) and Alfred Pennyworth was left out. Cold, DC. That's fucking cold. He did make it into the 1993 Binder Edition of Who's Who but who the fuck didn't? The Darkstars were in that thing!

Batman decides to wander around the Manor and dig through his Box of Memories. You know that box! That one that we all have where we keep things that prove that people were able to love us at one point in our lives before life turned us into unlovable monsters! Mine is just a crappy cardboard box with one side of the lid still taped to one side of the box. My box is filled with decoy shit so that when I die and somebody begins going through my shit, they'll open it up and think it's just a box full of unused postcards and deflated mylar balloons, never finding the tear-soaked letters and horrible poetry mixed within. Bruce's box has photos of his family and the sphere that his father created that could make a three dimensional map of a location. It's the one little Bruce used to map the cave within the hole he found in the yard. And as Bruce asks his father's bust the direction he should take in his pursuit of justice, the Sphere kicks on and turns the Manor Room into a cavern.

Oh! Oh! I know what's going to happen next! Alfred is going to knock a Badminton Birdie through the window and Bruce is going to become "The Birdie"! He'll wear a white lace outfit with white lace wings and a big red, rubber helmet!

Luckily the bats that fly into the window are just images recorded on the Map Ball or else Alfred would be fucking pissed with Bruce for letting a swarm into the Manor. It's not like Bruce has any idea how hard it is to get Bat Guano stains off of wallpaper. Because Bruce probably never did a chore in his entire life with Alfred dutifully watching over him and I really fucking doubt that he wandered the Earth learning Eastern Cleaning Secrets.

Okay. One of them was analog because DC didn't want to piss off its eighty year old fans with a completely digital reenactment of this moment!

The back-up story may just be the best Batman story I've ever read. That's because I'm using a complex mathematical formula that takes into account the amount of pages divided by the amount of tears brought to my eyes multiplied by the importance of the theme. It's just fucking terrific. And that's all I'm going to say about that because even I believe that some things should be experienced on their own instead of being filtered through my incredibly insightful commentaries.

Batman #23 Rating: +15 Rankings! Hmm, it's already at position Number One, so I guess Scott Snyder just wasted 15 Ranks! Too bad for you, dumb dumb! I hope Capullo and Miki draw a picture of Scott Snyder looking sad and forlorn because he wasted so many ranks but then their art will be sad and forlorn because they'll realize as they're drawing it that they also wasted fifteen ranks because they're a big part of this book. This thing is just good shit on every level. The levels are these: 1. Pictures. 2. Words. 3. Colors. 4. Bat Pectoral Muscles. 5. Bat Ass Crack. 6. Alfred Pennyworth Spouting Truths. There might be some other levels as well but I'm not getting paid to come up with stupid ways to read a stupid funny book!

Worlds' Finest #15

That's the Desaad I remember! That's exactly what he looked like as a Super Powers Action Figure!

Here's another one of those fucked up covers with the wrong credits. It's the first thing I noticed because I think Power Girl just looks fantastic on this cover, so I checked the credits to see who this "Lupacchino" is. Turns out it's Emanuela Lupacchino and she also did the pencils while Guillermo Ortego and Jason Wright did the inking and coloring, respectively. If I were into patriarchal conspiracies, I'd claim DC did this on purpose because they were afraid that Fanboys wouldn't buy a comic book drawn by a woman! But since her art is obviously amazing, DC would be stupid not to print her name on the cover with a few extra exclamation points behind it.

Last issue, Helena was kidnapped by a Parademon and whisked through a Boom Tube. Power Girl followed. Luckily Boom Tubes seem to remain open until everybody that entered one end exits the other. Unluckily, moving through a Boom Tube most closely resembles a turd traveling through the colon.

How cute. The Parademons have an Abs Window. Maybe this is where The Huntress will get the idea for her Belly Window outfit.

While Power Girl beats up the Parademons while looking absolutely fabulous, The Huntress is being tortured by Desaad. Apparently the contraption Desaad wears on his person is used to collect Fearamones. I know. It sounds like some idiotic thing I would make up to poke fun at a comic book. I guess Desaad is a lot more whimsical than I would have expected of a guy from Apokolips. I think Desaad is a guy. I never knew Desaad's backpack with the handles was anything but stupid. Who knew it had a purpose?

Power Girl rampaging through Desaad's headquarters pisses him off, so he leaves The Huntress alone to go deal with Power Girl. Which means The Huntress has a chance to escape since she's the daughter of both Batman and Catwoman. The only way she'd be better at escaping is if she had a little Mister Miracle in her as well! Stop picturing that, you pervert!

Male or female, this is the only acceptable pose to strike after escaping from manacles. And I must say, Lupacchino draws a might fine pair of buttocks.

Some monstrous beast tries to prevent Helena from leaving but she easily kicks its ass. And then it offers its services to her. So is this how most job interviews go on Apokolips? "I'd like your job." POW! BAM! SLAM!

Now that Mahmud Asrar isn't working on Supergirl, I might have to give the new cutest DC hero to Emanuela's Power Girl! So the title really hasn't switched on a metaphysical level. I should probably give some evidence for my reasoning though.

Adorable. I especially like how she simply calls him "Desaad" instead of "Darkseid's mother fucking toady bitch."

Although the next line out of her filthy mouth is "Get your ass back to Mars Apokolips!"

The Huntress arrives to help out Karen defeat Desaad except that things just don't manage to go that way. Desaad steals some information from Power Girl's mind that will probably help him in his quest to get back to his partner, Darkseid. And then he Boom Tubes Karen and Helena away because they don't generate enough Fearamones at the moment. I find it acceptable that he doesn't kill them now when he has the chance even though I'd usually berate a villain for making this choice. But it's possible that Desaad needs their power to help him get back home and they're just not powerful enough yet. Perhaps Karen needs to soak up more Yellow Sun and Helena needs to eat a few more double meat burgers.

The issue ends with Huntress and Power Girl back home and Power Girl covered in cuts and scrapes. Her Supergirl outfit is also torn and ripped, so Desaad must have stolen some of its power when he stole some of Power Girl's power. He may have just drained her in much the same way she'd become drained under a Red Sun. I'm sure she just needs to go lay out by the pool for a bit and she'll be okay.

Worlds' Finest #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. There really wasn't much to this issue but I loved the new look, so I'm bumping it up in the ratings. I hope Emanuela sticks around on this title for a good while!

Green Lantern Corps #23

In other words, just another day in the life of Green Lantern John Stewart!

I imagine when Green Lantern first appeared on the scene, everybody was confused as to why he called himself Green Lantern. Why not Green Ring? Or Emerald Light Man? Or Imagination Johnny? I'm sure there were heated arguments in bars all across Coast City as to why he took the name. Sure he produces green light, but why the fuck would he name himself after a lantern? Why not Green Flashlight? Or Green Lighthouse? Or Green Spotlight? And then the arguments probably just sort of dissipated as Green Lantern never took the time to explain it. Unless he did. Maybe he held a press conference to introduce everyone to his Power Battery. Which probably just started a new round of questions. "So is it a Battery or a Lantern? And why did a Cosmic Police Force choose a nineteenth century Earth railroad lantern as the symbol for its Corps?" When Volthoom became the First Lantern, did he think of himself as a Lantern back then? Because that would really be fucking ridiculous. Oh! Perhaps Volthoom was from 19th Century Earth and was one of those guys that walked the rail-yard hitting hobos with sticks to get them off the tracks! And one night, he fell into a wormhole and became a time traveling asshat!

Look at me! Discussing other Green Lanterns while John Stewart continues to wait patiently for his chance to shine. I just reread John Stewart's entry in the 1985 Who's Who and was reminded of this fact: the two principle requirements for becoming a Green Lantern were being totally honest and being born without fear. I didn't realize that they needed to be totally honest but that makes sense. If the Guardians need people to manipulate, the most gullible and naive are those that believe in complete honesty, no matter how much of a dick it makes them in social situations. Although being born without fear seems like a birth defect. I would think 95% of a baby's first few minutes are spent in complete terror! But a Green Lantern has to ride down the gore and slime of the birth sluice as if it were just another common occurrence in their up until this moment very stable life. "Well, what's this? Who pulled the plug? Enh, what else can I do but just go with the flow?"

Currently on Nellewel 3, John Stewart's mind once more focuses on triage.

Perhaps it's not that more people die when John Stewart is on the scene than when other heroes are on the scene; perhaps it's just that he cares more about saving everybody. Batman comes upon a reservoir filled with floating corpses and shrugs and goes, "Oh Joker! I'll Batarrest you before you can kill more than a dozen more citizens!"

Batman and Superman learned early lessons that they can't save everybody simply by having their parents torn from them in horrible tragedies. But John Stewart's greatest tragedy before becoming a Green Lantern was not having a building pass an inspection. Of course he's been at the forefront of plenty of tragedies since then! But he still believes in the ultimate power of the Green Lantern Ring and can't help but feel that, at the very least, he should be able to save anybody within his hearing.

The rings are currently malfunctioning and have been pulled from the fingers of the Green Lanterns. But, and I might be wrong about this, once they regain power, won't they fly back onto the Lanterns' fingers?

Except, I suppose, if they're, obviously, in a Shatter Proof Khundian Anularium.

Learning that "anul" is Latin for ring just makes the whole wedding ceremony even more disgusting than I already thought it was in the first place. As you might suspect, I don't give a lot of thought to other languages until I'm curious. Then I sate my curiosity and go, "Oh yeah. That was blindingly obvious, wasn't it?" I've said this before as well: I would probably be pretty decent at Latin if my fucking college had offered at least one course that started after six in the morning. Who the fuck takes a six in the morning class?! Unless it's Painting Sunrises 101.

By the way, I should probably mention Feska's peculiar ability to go Full Rotling without having to succumb to an ear full of Rot Flies. So John Stewart has found himself with a mute, an axe wielding maniac, a super contortionist, and a frail old lizard man while Hal Jordan has been joined by a fuzzy little furball, a math nerd, a grey alien, and a kid that loves to punch people in the back of the head. I love this next generation of Green Lanterns!

The rings are back online which means Fatality's ring has come back around as well. Which is good since she was about to be vivisected by a bunch of mangy Durlans. This whole plot with the rings losing power occasionally is making it far easier for the writers to build tension than when the rings couldn't affect anything colored yellow. Poor Green Lanterns. They have the most powerful weapon in the universe. Every other creature should be a complete pushover. But the fucking rings always have something wrong with them. Somebody has annulled the anuls!

Although Fatality's stupid Love Ring doesn't seem to be able to defend itself against a bug.

I don't know. Call me cynical but it's hard to believe that these rings protect the wearer from the deadly vacuum of space but can't defend against a tiny wasp. I'd rather believe that Star Sapphire Rings are ineffective against insects.

Back on Oa, the Green Lanterns are discussing their fucked up rings when I learn that Isamot is from Thanagar. How many sentient races does that planet have? I know I was thoroughly confused by the various species back when Hawkman was being written by Rob Liefeld but I didn't believe anything he wrote since he was still talking about the Czarnians as if they were still alive. Even though he was writing about the Last Czarnian over in Deathstroke! What an idiot! Unless I'm the idiot and there's actually a crazy, rational comic book explanation which would prove that I'm completely wrong and a total douche for calling Rob an idiot when he was, in fact, not an idiot and completely right.

I don't know many of the current Green Lantern Corps but I do know that this female must be the genius of the bunch.

Kilowog and Salaak determine that the problem with the rings might reside within the Central Power Battery. I bet it has to do with all of the Lantern Corps Mascots escaping! I still don't know what any of that shit is about! But I'm going to find out, I suppose! If the Love Lamp had a Mascot named Predator in it, then I suppose the Willpower Lamp will have a creature named Overbearing Visitor That Won't Fucking Get the Hint so You Can Go To Fucking Bed Already. And the Fear Battery will have a creature called Flip the Fuck Out. The Compassion Battery will have a creature called Lenny. The Wrath Battery will have a creature called Anger Management. The Greed Battery will have a creature called Philanthropy. And the Hope Battery will have a creature called Faith! I bet I'm about 85% correct on my guesses!

Back on Nellewel 3, The Green Lanterns have retrieved their rings and they're fighting back. Although in the first two pages of fighting, Feska is nowhere to be seen. I hope she isn't dead! I can't imagine she'd be killed when the readers know her son back home will probably die without her! That would be a pretty fucked up thing to do. Another fucked up thing to do: own a Green Lantern Ring and use it to create rebar to fight with! Come on, John! You weren't in construction! You were an architect! You should at least be fighting with a blueprint tube or a straight edge!

And then a jackhammer? Although seeing that Maro uses "voice" to defeat the Khunds, perhaps Green Lanterns generally like to use things they wish they had access to. So John actually became an architect to be around construction because he felt, for some reason, obligated to get a degree that would lead to a career where he could wear a suit and a hardhat instead of just going into the career he wanted to. Maybe he didn't realize his love for the props of construction until he was around it all the time as his first building was being erected.

It turns out that Feska is okay, of course! I would have had to turn a pouty face in Van Jensen's direction if he'd killed her. I think the only one of these new recruits he can kill, story-wise, is all of them. But I suspect that the one that he can kill if he needs to is the old lizard man. I sincerely hope that he doesn't, of course! I love them all!

More Khunds arrive and Stewart decides it's time to leave. At this point in the comic book, he is able to save them all. But the cover shows him with Fatality and Kilowog, so the cover might be a little bit ahead of the story since I can't see that this comic book has enough pages left to get to whatever's going on on the cover.

Speaking of Fatality, a naked Fatality awakens naked in the surgery room, strapped down and naked while naked. I think she could use A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP, so here's some advice, Fatality: "Push on." "Power through." "Be unstoppable." "Inspire envy."

Wait. What? "Inspire envy" is Pep Talk? These cough drops are encouraging me to live my life in a way that I think others will be jealous of? Fuck you, cough drop! What a piece of shit piece of advice. "Make people feel inferior!" "Show people how much more successful you are!" "Rub it in their faces!" "Spit on the peons!" "Shit on everybody!" Hmm, I think I should sell some of my advice to Halls Cough Drops for their next round of wrappers.

Fatality gets away because she's tethered to John by their love and her Love Ring and sexual compatibility. But first she has the ring put on some clothes. I don't know, that would probably have been my second thought after fleeing for my life. But then I don't live in a Teen Rated Universe.

HOLY FUCKING MOLEY! WHEW! Drinking Iced Green Tea after sucking on a cough drop will really clean out your everything. I think I may have discovered a new sense of taste.

Fatality's Love Spear works and she's transported to John Stewart as everybody arrives back on Oa. I wonder if she's also tethered to Mogo since she fucked on Mogo's face with John?

I just scanned this because it's another reason I like Old Lizard Dude. I often sit like this in my office chair while reading comic books. While in China, I passed through a rural village where four men were sitting on top of a pool table like this playing cards. I bet that Billiards Table Salesman won some kind of a bet on that sale.

Kilowog, Salaak, and John investigate the Central Power Battery. They find it dim but still functioning efficiently. Until a Great White Shark comes flopping out of it speaking English. It's name is Ion and didn't Kyle run around as Ion for awhile? But he wasn't a shark! I guess he got the name from the Green Lantern Power Battery Mascot. I can see a Great White Shark being the living embodiment of Stubborness!

Some of the other Mascots arrive and declare it's time to make the trip to the Mascot Graveyard because their time is over. I hope this means the Lanterns won't need to recharge anymore! Larfleeze was just the first of them to become a self-sustained living battery. Of course, I seem to hope that every single Green Lantern story ends with them not needing to recharge the stupid rings anymore!

Green Lantern Corps #23 Rating: +4 Ranking! I'm really enjoying all of the Green Lantern titles right now! And Bernard Chang just makes this comic book a treat to look at.

Justice League of America #7

You'd better make that single arrow count, Oliver!

I currently have a summer cold because I dared to walk amongst you filthy, virulent, disease-ridden organisms last week. So I've been sucking on some Halls Cough Drops things because they keep me from continuously coughing which is a nice change of pace from continuously coughing. The cough drop wrappers have "A PEP TALK IN EVERY DROP" (with a trademark symbol on that cleverest of clever sayings just in case you were thinking of stealing it for use with your semen or breast milk or something). They are the stupidest, most trite, ridiculous "PEP TALKS" that any middle management unimaginative suit and tie could come up with. Of course I'm going to share some with you!

"Don't wait to get started." Nope. You wouldn't want to look like a giant ass lazy fuck. This is America! Get off the couch and hit the bricks, Capitalist!

"You've survived tougher." Well I fucking hope so! If I die from an illness for which my main medication is sweetened candy lozenges, I fucking didn't deserve to live.

"Get back in the game." Here's a little sneak peek at America, all you foreigny foreigners: We treat everything as if it's a sport. If a sports analogy doesn't exist for a situation, that situation can't possibly exist. Everything in America is a competition and the longer I sit at home sucking on Hall's Lozenges being a weak twerp, the further back I'm getting in the race! I'm being left behind because I'm a weak piece of shit!

"Hi-five yourself." *slap* You know what? I feel better already! I'm pumped up now! Everything is awesome! Well, everything would be if I wasn't so fucking pissed off at this wrapper and the assholes who wrote it! "Hi-five"? It's HIGH FIVE, you stupid candy medicine monkeys!

"Turn 'can do' into 'can did!'" At first I just thought whoever penned these was reluctant to put an exclamation point on the sayings because they knew sick people would be reading them and who wants to read aphorisms in an overly enthusiastic voice when snot is streaming from their face holes. But now that I've found this one with an exclamation point, I can't help but read the others in a depressed voice. "Oh, I suppose you've survived tougher." "Hi-five yourself although I don't know what good that will do you."

"Don't try harder. Do harder!" Oh, I guess some of these have pickup lines on them too!

"The show must go on. Or work." What the fuck does that one even mean?! "Hey, you know, you've eaten pretty nearly a whole bag of these while away from your job for a few days and, well, don't you think maybe you should get back to work? America can't run itself, you know? Busy busy busy!"

And, of course, "Seize the day." With just a period, of course. They don't want you going fucking crazy while using the verb "seize"!

This issue opens with a gaggle of Lawyers telling Lex Luthor that he's about to become a free man. I suppose this shit will be explained more later but even if it isn't, does it really matter? It's not like DC has explained why Lex Luthor is in prison in the first place. Or what happened to his face.

Did they? Maybe I missed it in a mini-series I didn't read or something.

Anyway, Lex Luthor fires them all because, I suspect, Lex doesn't actually want to be free from the prison he created for himself. Because he can escape any time he wants, having made the place with his own designs. And he's living a nice, safe life of luxury behind his prison walls.

But then this bitch has got to come ruin his good times. "Touch my box! Touch my box!" Get the fuck out of here with that ratchet shit!

While Lex Luthor contemplates his conjugal visitor, Plastique is busy shoving coins onto Doctor Light's corpse. The Purple People Leader says something about Doctor Light's metamorphosis but whatever's going to happen, it'll have to happen without Doctor Light's soul because it's all cozy and secure in Heaven's Foyer.

And elsewhere, Doctor Psycho is doing truly psychotic things instead of acting like Superboy's bumbling sidekick.

I refuse to believe Lobdell's Doctor Psycho is the actual Doctor Psycho. I think it's just a hypnotized eight year old with delusions of being a well-written character.

I get the feeling that the comic books Superman, Superboy, and Action Comics aren't currently in The New 52 continuity. Eventually Lobdell will leave DC and everything he wrote will be ignored by the writers that come after. Because it's all shit.

The Justice League of America and Superman and some other members of the Justice League need some answers from Doctor Psycho because he was in Khandaq when Superman killed Doctor Light. So everybody believes he probably had something to do with it. Because he's a psionic. And he, you know, calls himself Doctor Psycho. But whatever Martian Manhunter learns will have to wait because the scene shifts to The House of Mystery where the rest of the crew is hanging out waiting for Batman to return from Heaven. Which he eventually does. And that's that for that scene. Personally, I don't think it should have interrupted the Doctor Psycho scene since it didn't really reveal much. Except maybe that The House of Mystery has a major woody for Catwoman.

The Atom cracks under Martian Manhunter's interrogation of Doctor Psycho.

So now the cats are all out of the bag and eating everybody's food. And Element Woman, who isn't always in a very good space, is emotionally wounded that her friend The Atom lied to her. But she'll feel better when Metamorpho turns up since the Free Comic Book Day Comic mentioned somebody stealing the Orb of Ra from the Black Room. So he's out there somewhere! And any appearance he may or may not have made in Batman Incorporated doesn't count because that comic book exists in a hazy place in The New 52 continuity.

With The Atom's revelations, Superman decides it's time to intimidate Amanda Waller. I hope she gets demoted down to Head of, and Only Head of, Task Force X.

Back to Lex Luthor's cell, Wonder Woman and her crew interrupt before Luthor can finger Pandora's Box. I really can't wait for the Trinity War to be over so I can stop repeating, over and over and over, double entendres about her stupid box. Even I'm sick of them! And I don't get sick of listening to myself very often

How the hell did they get in here? Fucking comic books.

Wonder Woman takes the box and becomes possessed by it, growing an eye in the middle of her tiara and a sword chained to her left arm. Batman and the others learn that The Phantom Stranger has been killed although who the fuck really cares. None of them really needed him anyway. And Superman and his Super Friends return to Amanda Waller which is when Plastique's Doctor Light bomb goes off. Which means it won't have killed Martian Manhunter or Superman or Element Woman or Firestorm or Cyborg although since it's a bomb, Green Arrow might be dead next issue! Right? No? Yeah, probably not.

Justice League of America #7 Rating: No change. So far it feels like this Trinity War could have been finished in two issues of the Justice League. These interim issues don't really feel like the plot is moving forward much. And there are so many heroes involved, nobody gets any real time to shine and there's no real feel for any of the characters. After playing this shit up since The New 52 began, it had better have a tremendous payoff!

Action Comics #23

I've never seen a threat to the universe take a punch so poorly. "Owwwww! I'm telling!"

I ended my last Action Comics commentary with this statement:

Come on, Scott Lobdell! I truly, truly believe in you! I think you can write a decent comic book but you just don’t fucking care. You want to be a writer and you want the check. But you don’t seem to give a shit about the art! Prove to us that you have it in you! PLEASE! Spend some time crafting a fucking story! Take a few months and give up on “the Marvel Way.” Write the script, the page layouts, the dialogue! Form the fucking story before hand. Don’t worry about whether you’re surprised by the story or not. Worry about surprising (and pleasing!) the readers! Fuck me, Lobdell. I know you have it in you. I know it! Please try. Just fucking try. Don’t you long to do something like V for Vendetta! Where’s your passion to produce something as revolutionary as The Dark Knight Returns? Be meaningful, you fucking asshole! Please! I’m just so fucking tired of your hackneyed bullshit. I’m willing to fucking believe in you. I know I’m just a shitheel internet nerd. But prove me wrong, you glorious bastard! PROVE ME FUCKING WRONG!

And since that commentary, Scott Lobdell has written the three best comics of his New 52 career! Do I really have that kind of power? Am I a God amongst nerds? Should I be using this power for the good of mankind? Oh wait. Getting Scott Lobdell to write better is for the good of mankind. So, you know, you're welcome!

I just hope Scott didn't Lobdell this comic. I'm afraid to turn to the first page to see, "His name is Jimmy Olsen. He's a photographer for the Daily Planet. He's also Superman's Best Friend!"

The first three pages are composed of two panels (you do the math!) of review material so that the reader can learn the names of the characters and catch up on what was happening. The space creature who came in peace last issue but then began beating shit up and threatening people is Straith. Then there's Superman who I, but not the narrator, suspect everybody knows. Lourdes is the leader of these aliens that have come to use Earth as a base to battle some creature called Lexus that threatens Omnithing. Lourdes brought along two toadies, Seamus and Ordling. Superman just got his ass kicked but his main concern in this confrontation is to make sure that nobody thinks he's gay.

Superman resorts to threatening the aliens with a time out if they don't do as he asks. Well, he also punches them all over the moon but he can't be hitting them that hard when the aliens are engaging in reasonable conversation with each other as they fly through the non-air.

At least stick some exclamation points on these sentences so I feel some sense of emergency or surprise.

I suppose the big metal creature on the cover is Lexus. It's a threat to the universe because it's really, really big and it's made of metal and Straith has mentioned that it's a threat to the very universe itself. So once again, Superman must punch something into submission to save the world. He'll probably also spout some really unfunny dialogue that may or may not make me soil myself in frustration.

Wouldn't it be awesome if humans shit in response to overly emotional situations? I wonder if pants would ever have been invented if that were the case? I bet fashion would have only gotten as far as skirts and disposable underpants.

The Non-Certified Spouse and I were at the Lincoln Zoo many years ago and as we were watching the Lemur sit upon a branch, it began to scream it's bloody head off. As it did so, it just began pooing and pooing as it screamed. I turned to The Non-Certified Spouse and said, "Wouldn't it be awesome if humans screamed like that when they shit?" Imagine a business meeting with a dozen professional men and women all trying to impress each other when one excuses himself and heads down the hallway. A few seconds later, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I just think we'd all be a bit less uptight if we weren't all sneaking off in secret for our bowel movements, trying to hide the sound and the scent even though we all do it and we all know what we're all doing. But hush hush! Nobody needs to mention it! I'd rather live in a world where shitting is no big deal. I guess I could move to another country that does act that way! In China, I walked in to quite a few public restrooms with men just squatting over a hole in an alcove making eye contact with you as you wandered by to find an alcove hole of your own. When I first saw it I thought, "Can't they at least face the wall?"

Apparently Scott Lobdell didn't think Superman was powerful enough because now Superman needs a club to battle the Pax Galactica! This is some Hal Jordan bullshit here. "I'm Superman with some of the greatest powers the universe has ever seen! But what this situation calls for is...A CLUB!"

At least it's a super duper atomic mace. That makes up for its stupidity.

No, I thought about it again and it doesn't make up for its stupidity. Why does Superman need a fucking club?

Oh! Remember how in Superman #22, Superman noticed a robot made out of Infintium? That was pretty fucking stupid, hunh? But not as stupid as Superman's decision to wield an Atomic Mace!

Lourdes decides to compromise with Superman. Instead of killing him for disrespecting her, she decides to let him not kill her and help her defeat Lexus, The Destroyer of Life Throughout the Universe!

Oh fuck me. Did it just say "faux"? Anybody want to ditch this comic book and go get dessert and coffee at The Pied Cow? Anyone?

You might not be able to tell by the scan but Lexus is about the size of a moon. He taunts Superman and ignores Lardo and Golbraith and Shamus and Fingerling because Superman is obviously the one among these creatures that is capable of kicking his ass. So he's getting all psycholojiggy on Superman's ass. But Superman is too stupid to fall for mind games. Plus he has a fucking mace, you metal monster!

I wonder why he's called Lexus? Did Lobdell get some kind of advertising kickback for using the name?

Even though Superman just defeated the entire Pax Galactican Army, Lourdes decides that he isn't needed in the battle against Lexus.

This might be why you can't defeat it, you ding dong.

Lexus vomits a sickly green energy at Pax Galactica but Superman, knowing how weak the idiots are, jumps in front of them to block the vomit blast. That's when the Narrator decides to impart a bit of philosophical wisdom on the reader. It goes something like this: "Superman thinks he's invulnerable but he isn't because, you know, nothing is." I'm paraphrasing and making it sound more serious than the Narrator is making it sound. This Narrator might be the same asshole snowman that Narrated The Year Without a Santa Claus because it sounds like he really wants to teach somebody somewhere a fucking lesson of some kind. Jesus. That white ass snow man even thought he needed to teach kids how to open fucking doors in that one! Excited for the Holiday Season and the Christmas Specials and then that fucker decides to hurt my feelings while telling his bullshit, racist propaganda!

After all the tension of Superman being hit by a blast that nobody in the universe can withstand and the Narrator explaining how haughty Superman accidentally became to believe that he was invulnerable and after Superman plummeted to the surface of the moon, felled by the magic blast, this is Superman afterward:

"Pffffft. I'm fine." Way to fucking undermine your whole point, Lobdell. Fucking jerksack.

I'm fucking ashamed that I was beginning to give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt as regards to his writing. I think he had a ghost writer for Superman Annual #2! Or Dan Jurgens did most of the fucking work.

Lourdes asks Superman if he's okay because she needs to get back to saving the Omniverse pretty quick here. When he says he is, she doesn't rush back into battle urgently. Instead she tells Superman a story about how Lexus the Evil Destroyer of All Life Throughout the Omniverse came to be.

It turns out Lexus the Metal Monster of Ultimate Destruction is Lourdes's brother. And it also turns out (unsurprisingly) that Scott Lobdell doesn't know how language works. Here's what Lourdes says:

Though his body was born twenty-three years ago on the day of my birth, the evil that consumed my brother had infected his heart long before he began to practice the dark arts.

The first half of that sentence has no relation to the rest of it! It sounds like she's trying to say that her brother began to practice the dark arts before his body was born and the evil infected his heart long before that. I'm beginning to think Scott Lobdell might be a Panda Bear eating Scrabble tiles so that he can later poop out his scripts. Is DC Comics headquartered in the Bronx Zoo?

So her brother became evil. Though Racoons are masterminds of their urban domain, Lexus's father cut his heart from his body.

Evil is not a sentient thing! It's a fucking concept, people! I'm especially talking at you, Soy Rakelson!

Evil keeps the heart alive because that's the weird kind of way that evil works. Apparently Evil is some kind of web stretching out across the universe, controlling people and using it for its own ends. My friend Soy Rakelson used to always try to trump me in debates by getting me to say that I believe evil exists. And every time, I would have to tell him that I don't think of evil in the same way he's thinking of it. He's picturing some capital "E" Evil running amok with its own ends, manipulating people to its service. While I just see it as a concept or a way of describing something truly horrible done by a sentient mind for their own desires. So Soy would say, "Hitler was Evil." And I would say, "Hitler did a shitload of evil things." And then Soy would ask me where my faith is in that super special condescending way people who think they're saved speak to people they know are stubbornly going to Hell.

Superman takes Lourdes's Enchanted Sword and flies up to threaten Lexus right to his face. I guess since Superman knows this creature is mostly made up of space junk and one tiny little evil heart that should be dead anyway, he can kill it.

Murderer!

The Narrator's explanation for Superman's logical belief that this wasn't murder basically amounted to "Lexus was sentient but he wasn't really that sentient, right?" When it comes to DC Heroes that don't kill, there is an addendum to that rule: If the person has already been killed once, it's okay to kill them a second time. So don't become a super villain if you've ever died on the operating table and arrogant doctors brought you back to a seeming state of sentience and humanity. Because you aren't really human; you're just an undead monster.

Because Superman has saved the Pax Galactica, they become indebted to him. He is now the ruler of Pax Galactica and can command them as he pleases. It's more like he's the leader of a party of NPCs in Dungeons and Dragons. He's got Straith the Barbarian, Lourdes the Paladin, Ordling the Thief, and Seamus the Bard. And everybody lives happily ever after except for me because I still have two questions. The first question is this: why the fuck did it begin with Hector Hammond finding Straith in space and Superman acting like he was fine working with Hammond? That question probably doesn't have an answer since Lobdell probably didn't know where the fuck his story was going at that point either. And my second question:

What was Superman responding to and what the fuck was he going to say when he said, "My false--?" I think Lourdes was first scripted as saying, "Your false humility does you a discredit, my liege." But somebody thought better of the line and forgot to fix Superman's response.

The back-up story is the final chapter of The World of Krypton and fuck it because it's shit.

Action Comics #23 Rating: -4 Ranking. This story began nowhere and went nowhere and did nothing. Although it was what I generally expect from Scott Lobdell, so I'm glad to see he's back in a place where I can understand him. Finding his last three comic books were decent or better was just unnerving. I'm much more comfortable with this piece of shit comic book in the world.

Superman Annual #2

I have no clue how Scott Lobdell is going to write a convincing Brainiac.

Brainiac: "So, Superman, we meet again. I am going to totally outwit you!"
Superman: "Just try it, Brainiac! That wasn't me saying your name! That was me calling you 'brainiac' sarcastically! Jerko!"
Brainiac: "You are a fool, Superman. And stupid too!"
Superman: "Ewwww! I'll show you stupid!"
Brainiac: "You will not have to try very hard."
Superman: "I am going to punch you in your big fat green face now!"
Brainiac: "Oh no you will not, Superman. For you see, I have harnessed the power of the Omniomni! With it, I can do anything I can think of. And being the smartest person you have ever met, I can think of a lot of things!"
Superman: "Oh no! You are very smart and have completely made me look stupid! I am at your mercy!"
Brainiac: "Ha ha ha! I win, Superman! If only you were as smart as me, you would have realized that the one flaw with using the Omniomni is fits of narcolepsy!"
Superman: "A-ha! I knew that your need to look smart would eventually be your downfall! Now all I must do is find a dictionary and learn what 'narcolepsy' is and then use it against you! You will be defeated next issue, Dumb-dumbiac!"
Brainiac: "Curses! If only I had destroyed all of the dictionaries to begin with! I will get you next time, Superman!"

I bet the Annual reads exactly like that!

What a fucking surprise. Scott Lobdell "Lobdelled" this issue!

Here's my definition of "Lobdelled":

Is this kind of opening to a comic book called “Lobdelling it”? You open with a rather static splash page and a bunch of Narration Boxes with the first Narration Box stating the name of the character.

So the Annual opens with Lois Lane having been murdered. But she's also introducing herself as having just been murdered. Oh Scott Lobdell. Did you just get done watching American Beauty when you wrote this?

It looks like Lois Lane fell through a window to her death. But it's odd that all of that glass ended up lying on top of her. So I think what really happened was that she got drunk at a big Daily Planet party, passed out on the sidewalk on the way home, and then a plate glass window fell out of a skyscraper and landed on top of her. Simply tragic.

It turns out Lois is on the roof of a building, so I need to amend my guess. I think the front windshield of an airliner fell off and landed on her as she was out getting some air and looking over her city. Also, she hasn't actually been murdered yet. She's just having some dying thoughts about how she's dying and then the dying will end up being murder because the person that kicked out the windshield of the plane aimed it at her. She's also blaming herself which is no way to think, Lois. Stop blaming the victim, you dumb slut.

Superman picks Lois up in his arms because fuck what those lousy EMTs would say about not moving injured people. He has super vision and he's super smart and knows all about the human female anatomy and where all of her organs should be. So using his x-ray vision, he notices that her parts are in just the right spots that will allow him to cradle her in his arms. When he does, he breathes into her face. I bet if she wasn't so concerned about dying right now, she'd realize he's actually Clark Kent!

Lois Lane: "Whoa. Superman! That's the same stale breath of Rubens and Root Beer that I remember that time you got tipsy and leaned in to try to ram your tongue down my throat?"
Superman: "That wasn't me! That was Clar...."
Lois Lane: "A-ha! *CROAK*"

That was just the prologue. Now gather around, everybody! You all know the drill! This is a comic book so it's time to flash back to one week earlier. Hold the hand of your buddy and try not to get lost in time. Also please refrain from humming Huey Lewis songs.

So that's how Superman keeps people from tracing his cell phone! He uses burners! He's just like the drug dealers on The Wire! And me!

Lois is just working late at the Daily Planet trying to keep it relevant. She says, "Not too long ago, [Clark] was the second greatest news reporter in the world. Now he's--I can barely say it--blogging." It's interesting that Lois believes she's the greatest reporter in the world and yet she's currently bailing water on the sinking ship of circulated print media and looking down her nose at the internet. How can the greatest reporter in the world not see the actual story? The last generation that will regularly read a newspaper has already been born. And, I dare say, two more generations have already been born since that one. And I say that as somebody who still reads floppy comics. Some day, publishers are simply going to have to abandon them because their audience has gone completely digital. We're living in a world of Gargoyles now and everybody needs to get used to it.

Lois is interrupted by a cast member from Mars Attacks! The woman mentions something about trying to resist some female's call. It's possible she's talking about The Queen Bee. Or this could be something entirely different since it's an Annual. But I think this woman is one of The Twenty and she'd been called forth by The Queen Bee to prepare for Brainiac's return.

Of course when a freakishly strange person dies at your feet in Metropolis, there's just one place to take her: S.T.A.R. Labs! Let's cut her open, Science Doctors!

"You figure out who this chick is, Lois. My lunch is getting cold. And don't worry about notifying the police or anything. We got this!"

Superman drops by to do the x-ray autopsy because fuck protocol when you're Superman! As long as nobody knows you performed the autopsy, who needs clearance from the family, right? And she's dead so it's not like it's an invasion of her privacy, right? I think Superman and Lois Lane might need to take a refresher course on ethics.

But then again, time is probably of the essence! And more people's lives could be in danger, so Superman should be able to invade everybody's privacy to keep everyone safe! You go, Superman! Fill our heads with radiation as you check to see if we're lying! Scan our apartments for illegal contraband so you can learn the things we like and later sell that information to Amazon! I know that's how you make your money, you arrogant prick. I think you also have an Omnicomputer running all day long in the Fortress of Solitude sending out Spam emails. Dick.

Superman determines that this woman's gigantic head was caused by her own gigantic head. She seems to have thought herself into being a big-headed super smarty pants. Perhaps all of The Twenty will soon be shopping for hats at Hector Hammond's Huge Head Hattery. I'm beginning to think there are some psychic shenanigans going on in Metropolis!

Using her super duper reporter skills, Lois Lane discovers the woman's name was Amelia Darling. And then she decides to flash back to five years previous! Shit! We weren't ready for this one! I hope everybody is still holding their buddy's hand tightly! Don't let go! HEEEEERRRREEEE WEEEE GOOOOOOO! "BBBBAAAACCCKKK INNNN TIIIIIIMMMMMMEEEE!" IIIIIIII TOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDD YOOOOOOOOUUUUU! NOOOOOOO HUUUUUEEEEEEYYYYY LLLLLLEEEEEWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!

No, Lex, I'm pretty sure the worst idea ever involves fifteen goats, a hovercraft, and a shotgun wedding.

After Metropols was saved by Superman, Lois Lane began investigating The Twenty. She seems to be the one to have brought the mysterious disappearances to everybody's attention. But I suppose five years is a long time without any clue as to where the people went, so people began thinking of The Twenty as an Urban Legend. Until now! Lois Lane had just found one of The Twenty! Amelia Darling with the fucked up head!

Except that when Chapter Three begins and Lois starts investigating Amelia Darling (again!), she realizes that Amelia wasn't missing at all! She'd been working and living her life every day since Brainiac came. This mystery might need a Batman to solve! It could be way beyond a meager reporter's detective skills! I don't think Lois has the skill to figure it out because she's just a lousy reporter. Plus she gets murdered at the end! Remember that?!

Lois decides to begin her investigation again and winds up finding another of The Twenty so I guess she's about as good as Batman.

When Lois says "we'll", who is she including with herself? The Daily Planet? Are they on the cutting edge of life saving technologies? They delving into psionic research? Or does she just always include Superman in her plans.

If you're wondering why I haven't been lambasting Scott Lobdell during this commentary, you'll be unpleasantly surprised to find that this issue is actually pretty good. So far. If you lose the first page and the "I'm dying so here's the entire story repeated inside my own head" Narration Boxes!

And then Chapter Four begins and Lois Lane is wearing the dress she'll get murdered in! Oh no! The tension is so high!

Lois attends a fundraiser where she meets up with "Sentator" Hume who just happens to be one of The Twenty! And even though Lois Lane investigated all of The Twenty and found them missing and should know their identities, they all have super psionic brain powers which makes every bit of her investigation untrustworthy. But now they're willing to telepethatate with her. Probably because The Queen Bee is trying to force them all to do her bidding. Sentator Hume just lets it all come out. And by "all" I actually mean one single page that answers a few questions but then creates more!

See Lobdell? Was that so fucking hard? Instead of constantly having characters say, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" for twelve issues, you actually move the plot along by revealing a few answers while simply raising more questions. This is the way to string readers along! Kudos! Finally.

Sentator Hume continues his story and reveals even more answers! Holy fuck. I thought I wouldn't learn more until Superman Annual #3. So Vril Dox (who some of you might remember from Preboot times as the leader of L.E.G.I.O.N. and the Tamer of Lobo) began the whole collector thing by shrinking a city from Colu and uploading his people's psyches into computer networks on other planets. As Brainiac traveled about saving cities from The Multitude, he was also searching for organic vessels to contain his people's psyches. On Earth, he gave twenty people Level 12 Intelligence. Just like Brainiac 5 from the future! Apparently the human bodies seem to be strong enough to be used as hosts for the Coluan intelligences. Which is why Brainiac must come back! And to ensure that Lois Lane gets the truth out to keep Brainiac from coming back and taking The Twenty, Sentator Hume turns her into one of them. Now Lois Lane must solve the case before she's consumed by the Smarts Virus and her head blows up.

The last page is a callback to the first page with Lois repeating her name and Narration Boxing, "This is the last story I will ever file," as Superman cradles her. Which makes the Narration Boxing into the story she was writing exposing The Twenty. So one of Scott Lobdell's stories finally makes the Narration Boxes work for it. And it makes beginning one of his stupid fucking Lobdelled beginnings work as well! What the fuck is wrong with the universe? This was actually a well done story! I bet Dan Jurgens did most of the story telling with his plotting and layouts!

I just can't give Scott Lobdell the benefit of the doubt!

There's a back-up story about The World of Krypton but it's not any more interesting than the first four chapters. The military hates the scientists and the scientists hate the military and they both want to control the public and the scientists want to kill clones for parts and the military wants to kill Kryptonians for using clones for parts. Or something. Whatever.

Superman Annual #2 Rating: It's too fucking bad I don't raise or lower the ranks of comics due to the Annual because this was by far and away the best issue of anything that Scott Lobdell has written. It was coherent. It answered questions. It stuck to the world and plot that had been in the books previously. It tied in to Grant Morrison's Action Comics run in a logical and well-done way. Frankly, I'm astounded. And shocked. And a little sad that Lobdell might be getting his shit together since this is the third comic book in a row of his that I've thought was decent or better. I wonder if I should go in for an MRI?

Green Lantern #23

"Let me love you...with my fist!"

I have a plan to write a book and publish it myself using crowdfunding. It's going to be about a Werewolf during every day of his life in one year other than the nights of the Full Moon. Because he won't remember those! Duh! I'm going to call it "59/61ths Human". I've already begun thinking up the rewards for people who donate to the cause. For $10, you'll get the book printed up on my printer, one-sided, and held together with a paper clip. For $150, you'll get the same thing but I'll number the pages! But until that fantastic day when my super duper awesome werewolf story is flying off my printer tray, I'll stick to reading comic books!

The first thing Hal Jordan does this month is piss me right the fuck off my fucking not-being-pissed-off post!

Hal is the shallowest motherfucker in the galaxy.

Now I really wouldn't care if he were judging them by their physical attributes if the job were based on those attributes. Say Green Lanterns were always working around fire without adequate protection. Well, that little fuzzy guy would be right out because who needs a spontaneous fireball suddenly running amidst the ranks screaming its terrified head off? But being a Green Lantern is based on Willpower, you stupid asshat piece of fucking garbage dump shit-stained underwear wankathon referee! If the rings picked these recruits, these recruits have the power to face great fucking fear. You do remember how it works, right asshole? Listen to Kilowog! He's the master recruit trainer! He knows what he's fucking talking about. And who cares if the little guy tucked the thumb into the fist that hit you in the back of the head! It's a LIGHT CONSTRUCT, you dumb bastard! He could have given it gorgeous fucking nails as well and it wouldn't have mattered in the slightest, as long as he made it nice and solid and as long as he was hitting you in the back of the head!

Oh yeah. Man that was a great moment last issue. I have to relive the excitement into the bathroom sink. I'll be right back.

Okay, what else did I want to rant about? Man, you'd think you'd be more clearheaded after eliminating the negative Chi but now I'm just sleepy. Oh! I know what I was going to be fake mad about as well! How the hell can Hal Jordan consider firing Octopus Face?! She's simply to die for! And by die for, I mean masturbate into the sink while looking at my own facial expressions in the mirror for!

Seriously? You can't remember that, Hal? You can practically sing it! But don't call her "Two-Six.Period"! You could at least call her Jenny.

I love these new recruits just as much as I hate Hal Jordan! This book is really picking up!

Hal doesn't seem comfortable dealing with the new recruits and he's no better at dealing with the dead and wounded left over from the battle with Larfleeze. I think he's mostly upset that none of these things actually have anything to do with him or his glory. So he decides to ditch the Corps and go off alone to hunt down the escaped prisoner that turned into a Star Sapphire. Her name is Prixiam Nol-anj but he's probably just going to call her "PB Anj".

I don't know, Hal. You can keep denying it but Kilowog and I both came to the same conclusion separately!

I know being a super-hero doesn't often come with the ability of introspection but Hal Jordan seems to have even less than most people. I know this and I just told everybody that I masturbated into a sink! Boy, I hope everybody thinks I was joking!

Hal Jordan decides that being a good leader of an army is telling the army to sit somewhere in safety while the leader goes off to fight all of the battles on his own. He's a fucking military genius!

Meanwhile PB Anj heads back to her home base where a few of her people recognize her and welcome her back as "The Prixiam." Her people are some kind of Space Sand People living out in the Outer Territory of Sector 0563. PB Anj's Space Sand People can't find anybody else to steal from since all the Jawas and Humans and Hutts moved away from the Circumference long ago to get jobs and raise their families on identical little planets in dead-end solar systems. But now that PB Anj is back, things are going to get all Brigandy again! I guess they'll just have to spend a little extra on gas while raiding planets closer into the center of the Sector.

Hal Jordan arrives on her world not long after she does.

Why can't Hal Jordan keep his big fat fucking head inside the panels?! Dammit! Now I'm sounding like Jim Shooter!

Hal, I realize I had the cover of the comic book to alert me to some of the pitfalls lying ahead of you during your adventure, but even you should realize the extreme danger you're now in. Hell, you should have realized it before you headed for this planet. If the rings keep failing, you shouldn't even be risking space travel! At least now when the ring fails, you'll have thirty seconds before you die! Although I'm not sure how long you'd have in space if your ring failed. What kills you first in space? The cold? Asphyxiation? Dying in agony as the gases in your body expand due to the lack of pressure? Small particles piercing your brain at near light speed? Space vampires?

Hal Jordan discovers a concealed airlock in the side of a rock and decides to break it down and fuck up the integrity of possibly the only safe place on the planet. I suppose he can rush into the ship that PB Anj brought with her. But I'd rather believe that he just fucked up everybody's chances for survival! Although I do have to applaud his choice of light constructs. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

This is basically what I saw reflected back at me in the mirror earlier this evening.

Green Lantern's next construct is a spiral slide thing that turns the lasers on the Space Sand People that just fired them at Hal. It's really pretty cool. So now Hal is two for two on Light Constructs that I absolutely approve of. I bet he fucks it all up and follows with a fucking baseball bat with a nail in it.

It's at this point in the story where Green Lantern finds out that PB Anj has become a Star Sapphire. She manipulates him with his love for Carol Ferris because she can see all of that romantic shit. I bet if she wanted to, she could figure out Hal's secret identity now! But before she can hurt him too bad, the rings cut out.

I got a little bit excited by the sound effect of the ring coming back online.

Once Hal's power returns, he rushes off to find Carol Ferris since he was given a vision of where she was by PB Anj's Love Power. He saw her with Rayner and the Guardians battling against Relic. He figures if he can save his ex-girlfriend from this threat, she'll have to come back to him!

Green Lantern #23 Rating: +5 Ranking! From now on (and by "now" I actually mean since last week), I'm basing my Ranks on how much I viscerally enjoy a comic book and not on some stupid intellectual mumbo-jumbo! I don't need to sound rational and smart to describe why this comic book rocked my face off! It was just super duper good! To quote a better and more passionate writer than myself: "It was epic! 5 out of 5 stars!"