Desaad #1

I apologize for all of the headaches I'm causing by scanning in these lenticular covers.

I first learned about Desaad from the Super Powers line of Action Figures from the eighties. I didn't know he was a Master Torturer. I just thought he was Darkseid's Alfred Pennyworth. I read his Who's Who entry to find out more about him and promptly forgot about it because the static, robed Dessad Super Power figure didn't scream "Master Torturer" in any way. It screamed more, "Nan in the kitchen making cookies." He was always the worst figure anyway because one of my favorite things to do with them was play Hot Lava all around my grandparents' yard. I would throw them from bush to bush to shed to pots to fence railings, anywhere they could possibly get hung up and keep from falling onto the ground. The best Super Powers Figure for this game was Steppenwolf because he had the electro-axe that was attached to his body by a string. So that got hung up in some really weird places and made for some exciting moments! Man, I think I'm going to dig out my figures and go play some Hot Lava with them later this week!

Last time we saw Desaad, he was letting Power Girl and The Huntress go because they weren't tasty enough treats for him. At least not yet. They need to spend a bit more time ripening before he bothers draining them of their power. Or he just got his ass kicked and he was trying to talk tough.

Desaad: "Oh yeah?! Well this was all part of the plan! I had to be beaten up by you so that you would become overconfident and arrogant so that next time, I can defeat you more easily! Even though I could have defeated you this time as well but that wasn't part of the plan for some reason! So don't you think you beat me! You didn't! I planned this broken nose and bruised liver!"

When this comic begins, Desaad is arriving on Earth Prime after some kind of Boom Tube accident on Earth 2. That was five years ago by Earth Prime standards. I don't know what that is in Apokoliptian years. But however long it's been, I'm sure Darkseid is terribly worried.

Is this Booster Gold after being lost in time for four or five years?

I bet this is Booster Gold! And I bet Booster Gold has made an appearance in every Villains Month comic book so far and I've been missing him! But I'll find him in all of the others! I'm excited! It's like I'm six again and just discovering Highlights for Children at the Dentist's office!

Desaad needs help to recover from his injuries sustained in his unexpected Boom Tube vacation, so he heads to a hospital in Honolulu. The staff help him to recover by going on shooting sprees and slicing themselves up apart. Apokoliptian health care is a fucked up system.

Once again, some jerk using the term insects as an insult. The fucking insects seriously need to set up some kind of Public Relations Campaign. At the very least, they should start up an Awareness Program in the schools.

Four years later and Desaad has a partially build fortress deep in the Congo. He's manipulating the world to create as much pain and torture as possible to feed his power. He's been trying to infiltrate Holt Industries because the only thing he still needs is extra-dimensional Boom Tube technology so he can return to Darkseid's bed. I think that's what the pink robe is all about. It's his wedding gown from their Apokolips Marriage Ceremony and he wears it everyday in remembrance of his lost love.

His nickname for Darkseid's penis.

With Power Girl stealing from Mister Terrific and Mister Terrific disappearing over to Earth 2, Desaad has a bit of a problem finding the technology he needs. So he basically throws a temper tantrum for a year before deciding to go undercover as Michael Holt himself. But before he does that over in Worlds' Finest Issue #WTF, he first tortures weak and easily tempted people. But he still wonders why some people are hard to corrupt. And one of those people is a comic book artist that he observes at least twice in the first fourteen pages. He doesn't look anything like Kyle Rayner, the only comic book artist I know of in the DC Universe. Maybe it's meant to be Jack Kirby drawing Desaad as Desaad is watching him draw Desaad watching him draw Desaad!

I suspect Ryouta eventually transforms into Hakkou.

Desaad approaches the comic book artist who is definitely drawing Darkseid on one panel. But he decides against corrupting him just yet due to that not quite ripe reason he's used before. He's a fucking connoisseur, that Desaad. So instead he just goes home to grovel in front of his Darkseid Real Doll. Also, he probably goes and impersonates Michael Holt and shit.

Desaad #1 Rating: This was another average Villains Month issue that I'll rank at #25. The comic book artist stuff was a nice bit to add so that this issue continues to have some ramifications in the regular issues of Worlds' Finest or Earth 2. But overall, it didn't really add anything to Desaad's time on Earth Prime that couldn't have already been speculated from previous stories in Worlds' Finest. I guess it took what's been hinted at and cast it in concrete.

DeSaad! (as seen in Worlds' Finest)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Master Torturer [I'm putting this on my next resume.]
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: Member of Darkseid's Ruling Elite [I'm also putting this on my next resume.]
Base of Operations: The Planet Apokolips
First Appearance: THE FOREVER PEOPLE #2
Height: 5'11" Weight: 152 lbs
Eyes: Black Hair: Black

HISTORY
Desaad [Now I'm confused about the way his name should be capitalized. The cover of the Who's Who has it as "DeSaad" and it looks like that in the picture. But it remains Desaad in the body of entry. Whatever, DC!] was one of the earliest allies of Darkseid in his rise to power on the planet Apokolips (see individual listings). Desaad was an inventor who specialized in the creation of weapons and devices for torturing and killing, usually in a long, painful manner [You mean like torture? I think there may be some redundancies in the previous sentence.]. In fact, Desaad took a perverse, perhaps addictive pleasure in using Apokolips technology to experience the emotions of his victims as he made them suffer. Desaad designed weapons for the young Darkseid, who came to appreciate Desaad's macabre sense of humor at the expense of their victims.

Queen Heggra of Apokolips disapproved of her son Darkseid's courting of the sorceress Suli [I seriously thought this was going to say he was courting Desaad.], whom Darkseid finally wed secretly. Heggra had Desaad poison Suli. However, although Darkseid was infuriated at Desaad's betrayal, they remained allies, and he forced Desaad to murder Heggra secretly, thus making Darkseid ruler of Apokolips.

Desaad acted as Darkseid's right-hand man during the first series of battles between the forces of Apokolips and New Genesis (see New Genesis) on Earth [Why they gotta fight their wars on Earth? Bastards.]. However, during a fight between Darkseid's sons Orion and Kalibak (see individual listings), Desaad used his technology to increase Kalibak's strength to a level greater than Orion's. Desaad then used his machines to experience the emotions of the two combatants from afar. Furious that Desaad's meddling might lead to Orion's death, Darkseid disintegrated Desaad with his Omega Effect. Sometime later, though, regretting the loss of his confidant, Darkseid used the Omega Effect to resurrect Desaad [It can be used for good and evil! The good use was killing Desaad, if you didn't know!].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Desaad possesses no known super-powers. He is a brilliant inventor of weapons for killing and torture [Right. We got it. Killer. Torturer. Bad dude.]. Perhaps his most spectacular achievement was "Happyland," an amusement park that, behind the scenes, actually served as a prison for his victims [So just like Disneyland? I have a feeling Jack Kirby was making some kind of social commentary with this.]. The prisoners were anguished over the seeming indifference of the park's customers to their plight, unaware that Desaad's technology caused the visitors to see them as something other than what they were [Like happy and fulfilled and receiving good wages with decent benefits?].

Worlds' Finest #15

That's the Desaad I remember! That's exactly what he looked like as a Super Powers Action Figure!

Here's another one of those fucked up covers with the wrong credits. It's the first thing I noticed because I think Power Girl just looks fantastic on this cover, so I checked the credits to see who this "Lupacchino" is. Turns out it's Emanuela Lupacchino and she also did the pencils while Guillermo Ortego and Jason Wright did the inking and coloring, respectively. If I were into patriarchal conspiracies, I'd claim DC did this on purpose because they were afraid that Fanboys wouldn't buy a comic book drawn by a woman! But since her art is obviously amazing, DC would be stupid not to print her name on the cover with a few extra exclamation points behind it.

Last issue, Helena was kidnapped by a Parademon and whisked through a Boom Tube. Power Girl followed. Luckily Boom Tubes seem to remain open until everybody that entered one end exits the other. Unluckily, moving through a Boom Tube most closely resembles a turd traveling through the colon.

How cute. The Parademons have an Abs Window. Maybe this is where The Huntress will get the idea for her Belly Window outfit.

While Power Girl beats up the Parademons while looking absolutely fabulous, The Huntress is being tortured by Desaad. Apparently the contraption Desaad wears on his person is used to collect Fearamones. I know. It sounds like some idiotic thing I would make up to poke fun at a comic book. I guess Desaad is a lot more whimsical than I would have expected of a guy from Apokolips. I think Desaad is a guy. I never knew Desaad's backpack with the handles was anything but stupid. Who knew it had a purpose?

Power Girl rampaging through Desaad's headquarters pisses him off, so he leaves The Huntress alone to go deal with Power Girl. Which means The Huntress has a chance to escape since she's the daughter of both Batman and Catwoman. The only way she'd be better at escaping is if she had a little Mister Miracle in her as well! Stop picturing that, you pervert!

Male or female, this is the only acceptable pose to strike after escaping from manacles. And I must say, Lupacchino draws a might fine pair of buttocks.

Some monstrous beast tries to prevent Helena from leaving but she easily kicks its ass. And then it offers its services to her. So is this how most job interviews go on Apokolips? "I'd like your job." POW! BAM! SLAM!

Now that Mahmud Asrar isn't working on Supergirl, I might have to give the new cutest DC hero to Emanuela's Power Girl! So the title really hasn't switched on a metaphysical level. I should probably give some evidence for my reasoning though.

Adorable. I especially like how she simply calls him "Desaad" instead of "Darkseid's mother fucking toady bitch."

Although the next line out of her filthy mouth is "Get your ass back to Mars Apokolips!"

The Huntress arrives to help out Karen defeat Desaad except that things just don't manage to go that way. Desaad steals some information from Power Girl's mind that will probably help him in his quest to get back to his partner, Darkseid. And then he Boom Tubes Karen and Helena away because they don't generate enough Fearamones at the moment. I find it acceptable that he doesn't kill them now when he has the chance even though I'd usually berate a villain for making this choice. But it's possible that Desaad needs their power to help him get back home and they're just not powerful enough yet. Perhaps Karen needs to soak up more Yellow Sun and Helena needs to eat a few more double meat burgers.

The issue ends with Huntress and Power Girl back home and Power Girl covered in cuts and scrapes. Her Supergirl outfit is also torn and ripped, so Desaad must have stolen some of its power when he stole some of Power Girl's power. He may have just drained her in much the same way she'd become drained under a Red Sun. I'm sure she just needs to go lay out by the pool for a bit and she'll be okay.

Worlds' Finest #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. There really wasn't much to this issue but I loved the new look, so I'm bumping it up in the ratings. I hope Emanuela sticks around on this title for a good while!

Worlds' Finest #14

"That's for roasting Sniffer, Madame Slutowski the Sluttiest Slut from Slutty Sluts Lane!"

That wasn't me shaming Power Girl for her prodigious sex life! That was that jerky Parademon! See, as a writer, sometimes you have to put yourself in the shoes of characters you can't stand. It's a rough job but you can't have novels filled with courageous, kind, sweet, polite people or else there would be no conflict! At least their would be no outer conflict. I'm sure everybody would be whispering between their teeth about how fucking phony everybody else was acting.

One thing I've never understood is shaming women for having sex. Don't people want to have sex?! Why would you teach half the population that it's wrong for them to have sex and then praise the other half of the population for having sex with a good old slap on the back and a wink of the eye? It's a lot easier for everybody to get some action if you treat sex as an awesome experience for all parties involved (and the more parties involved, the merrier! Or more confusing. I forget which since it's been so long since I've been involved in lots and lots of orgies! Loads of them!).

You know what culture had it right about sex? Whichever one was always threatening to throw a virgin or two in the local volcano! That's the way to do it! You put that threat out there and all the young men and women are going to start throwing themselves at you to prove they're not worthy of the volcano's smoking hot maw. I'm pretty sure that's where the phrase "smoking hot" came from.

Village Elder: "Hmm. Young man. You are smoking hot."
Young Man: "Woah now! Umm, would you like to put your dick in my butthole?"
Village Elder: "That would not please the volcano, Young Man. But it would please me greatly!"

So, that's my life! Writing crappy porn at five in the morning while eating leftover Banana Cake! I'm doing my folks proud!

Hey, change of subject! Remember how The Huntress and Power Girl had just escaped Desaad's men and giant dogs at the end of last issue? Apparently they're still being pursued because Helena just woke up in another one of her safe houses which somebody had set on fire! Sure, sure. Power Girl may have fucked up making waffles. But I don't think Power Girl is currently in.

Helena spends a few minutes getting dressed in her Huntress costume as the cabin is consumed by flames. Hey, she can't just run outside in her pajamas for whoever set the fire to see her secret identity and her boobies! Second Catwoman taught her well about situations like these. After donning her gear, she heads out into the middle of the flames in the middle of the house and thinks, "No arsonist in sight!" I guess arsonists on Earth 2 are dumber than arsonists on Earth Prime who light the fires from the outside of the building.

Helena meets up with Karen in Woodstock where they enjoy themselves with a walk and some ice cream.

Ugh. Throw it away. It may have been over six months since Mister Terrific disappeared but who knows how much ass play Karen was giving him. Now, I don't mind my own fingers or tongue touching assholes that I'm choosing for them to touch! But I don't want somebody else's asshole nasty fingers all over my ice cream cone!

While walking, a fortune teller named Zara gives them a quick fortune about darkness and pain and evil and crap. Does this fortune teller expect to make any tips spouting this kind of horribleness? She must have gone to the Madame Xanadu School for Downer Predictions.

Madame Xanadu: "Here's a list of end of the world disasters to use in your fortunes. Feel free to improvise and make up some of your own. Rain of flaming bunnies? Razor rain? Flesh termites? It doesn't matter what you say because it'll never come to pass! Just convince some schmuck that washing your dishes or massaging your neck will stop the apocalypse from coming and they'll never know the difference!"

Hey Jim Shooter?! What are your thoughts on this comic book so far?

Jim Shooter: "The layouts are precise with panels of the same size at equidistant measures from one another. And there's plenty of cheesecake which is fine if that's what DC wants to sell! I mean, just look at all the bosoms! There's like six or seven of them on every page! This might be the best comic of The New 52 so far! But I'd expect that from Paul Levitz. He learned the business when the business was something worth learning! These kids today have never heard of a straight edge! Have you seen that Kenny Rocafort's layouts? What the fuck is that kid on?! Bathtime salts?!"

Meanwhile Desaad is busy congealing more warriors for his Kill the Wonder Girls Campaign. He also admits that he's trapped on Earth Prime with no way back to his Man-Husband, Darkseid. For five years, Desaad has had to go without a rip-roaring good Omega Effect. That poor creature must be ready to explode.

I guess some time passes by the very next page when Desaad's men attack a Starr Industries building in Oxford. I'm assuming this because Desaad's three warriors have finished congealing and now they're full fledged parademons! And I guess that's bad jelly beans because Power Girl finally seems a bit worried about where all of this Apokoliptian stuff is headed.

You just have to marvel at the tensile strength of that boob window.

Power Girl beats the deformed turds out of the Parademons but one of them gets away and goes after Helen, dragging her through a Boom Tube. Power Girl follows. Be with us next time for "Two Boobs are better than Boom Tubes" or "Desaad Truth."

Worlds' Finest #14 Rating: +1 Ranking because they looked so cute while walking about Woodstock.