New Guardians #19

Either this is one of Volthoom's mindfucks, or Simon Baz is the greatest Lantern ever!

Last issue was all about Saint Walker, Carol Ferris, and Larfleeze. I expected this one to be about Munk and Arkillo. But it looks like it might be continuing on from Green Lantern #19 since the first page shows a bunch of exploded purple people parts floating through space. Carol has found Kyle on Earth and they decide to warn the rest of the Guardians.

Excuse me. Indigo-1 is apparently the new best Indigo Lantern. I never liked Munk anyway!

Speaking of Munk, what's going on with the Hal Jordan and the Indigo Lanterns' plan to make Repenting Indigo Rings for the Guardians of the Universe? Is that still going on? By the end of this, will the rings be completed so the Guardians can be subdued and shoved on some Asylum Planet where they can live out the rest of their immortal days without harming anybody ever again? Or is that plan just going to be conveniently forgotten until ten years from now when somebody resurrects it for a new story idea?

Now Carol and Kyle are visiting the ruins of Korugar looking for Sinestro. They don't really care so much about finding Sinestro as finding Hal Jordan who disappeared with Sinestro. I don't think Carol is going to be too happy when she finally finds him. Unless she's suddenly into necrophilia. Or always has been. I always thought Hal Jordan had the personality of a boring corpse.

Carol and Kyle manage to find Sinestro but he's acting like a raving lunatic. Apparently the destruction of his homeworld hasn't changed him at all. He believes that Kyle Rayner has joined with Volthoom because Kyle is wielding the power of the entire emotional spectrum. And cain't nobody nowhere do that nohow 'cept Sinestro and Volthoom!

Sinestro also smashes Carol in the face with a gigantic piece of Korugar, tells her Hal Jordan is good and dead, and then wraps her up in a light-construct condom and blasts her into space.

I think he plans to fire her into a black hole.

Sinestro believes that if he can take the White Ring from Kyle (do white rings need power batteries or can they just charge from any lantern?), he can turn back time and restore Korugar. But B'dg and Simon Baz show up to put a stop to the good guy infighting. After so many years, it still feels weird to think of Sinestro as a good guy. Carol and Kyle don't recognize Simon Baz so B'dg introduces him in the most heartless way possible: as the replacement of Hal Jordan. And you know the only reason a Green Lantern needs a replacement, right Carol Ferris?

Oh Carol. Don't be so small-minded. Life with a Black Lantern can be just as fulfilling.

Sinestro demands that Kyle bring back Korugar but Kyle is just as limited in his thinking as all the other lanterns before him. It takes Simon Baz to tell him it's possible! And he knows it's possible because he brought one man out of a coma! How much harder could it be to restore an entire world and resurrect all of its creatures?!

Kyle fails because he's just a lousy comic book artist. So Sinestro steals the ring from off of Kyle's finger to try himself. Kyle almost dies in deep space because these rings don't have some kind of safeguard to keep them from simply being removed by a thief? Carol wraps him in a love bubble while the ring rejects Sinestro's finger. Instead it decides to throw itself at Simon Baz, the new miracle kid on the Lantern Scene.

Except he fails too and the ring returns to Kyle. I guess that little scene, even though it didn't mean much, was shoved in to justify the surprise cover. But it does show that Simon Baz has some serious Lantern Chops. He's just too inexperienced at this point. Everyone is left pretty much where they were when this comic book began. Except Sinestro has decided to go back to his roots.

I love of it when a comic book ends on a really good joke!

New Guardians #19 Rating: No change. I can't believe Volthoom didn't make an appearance! What a slacker. Although it did make for a much better installment without him.

Green Lantern Corps #19

Green Lanterns are stupid. Perhaps holding on to piece of Mogo as Mogo reforms isn't the best way to escape being crushed by Mogo when Mogo reforms.

Volthoom is still going on and on about emotions helping him power up to take over the universe. Even though I had a brief glimmer of interest in this story when I realized Volthoom was a cosmic rapist raping across all time and space, I really just can't wait until it's over. I've had it up to here (two feet above my head for those that can't see me gesticulate (hopefully that's all of you!)) with Volthoom's cosmic temper tantrum. I think I gave him too much credit as a diabolical, creepy, horrible villain by suggesting he was a rapist. He's actually just a fucking brat throwing a temper tantrum. And the more he flails and whines and screams, the more he powers up and eventually the universe is just going to give in to his childish whims. Anyway, I don't think "child throwing a temper tantrum" is that far off from "rapist" anyway. Some of you might disagree. Vehemently.

And it's not just Volthoom that drives me crazy. I've had enough of these alternate time line stories. I thought Rotworld was fun but then you knew the whole time it was going to end up being a dream or a do-over or something and everything would return to the unaffected present. I can accept these kind of "elseworld" stories that ultimately leave The New 52 Universe alone but these stories where the alternate time lines and the time travel are directly tied to the actual present New 52 timeline are kind of a cheat and ultimately end up in stupid paradoxical time lines. Why should I care about characters making sure a certain future does or doesn't come about? That means nothing to me because the future isn't set in stone anyway. So an infinite amount of futures are not going to be the one true future anyway. I suppose we should believe that the Legion of Super-heroes future is the "actual" future. But that just makes these alternate time line stories worse. Why should Harvest even exist? If his future never comes true, he should never come to the past. If we have to accept that all futures are possible, then we must accept that all pasts and all presents are possible. As such, we end up with a DC Universe with Infinite Earths. Maybe the editors at DC should go back in time and talk DC out of doing Crisis on Infinite Earths since it doesn't matter anyway. At least that way, they might change time enough to not have to deal with me since Crisis is what turned me on to comic books.

Examining Harvest a little more closely, we see a character that comes from a future that he wants to change. So a character that will never exist if he succeeds is driving a fuckload of plots in the present. This causes my suspension of disbelief to vomit all over the front of its shirt. If we believe that a universe exists for every possible choice, then saving or destroying a possible future is futile. Because all possible futures are both saved and destroyed. I might as well just be reading stories of Harvest masturbating.

And speaking of masturbation, let's see what Volthoom has in store for the greatest masturbators in the universe: The Green Lantern Corps!

Mogo isn't just a planet; it's an anti-rape condom.

Can I mention, for just a brief aside (no, no! This one will be brief!) how horrible and ghastly the anti-rape condom is? Not because of what it does to the rapist's prick. Who cares about that asshole? But the idea that someone expects a woman to wear this thing like an accessory, because humans are assholes and rape just seems to be expected, is grotesque. And it doesn't prevent a woman from being raped! Is the satisfaction that the man will now be in great pain and probably caught enough to warrant the contraption's use? Or is this like putting up a Home Security sign in your yard? Or is just the idea that these things exist supposed to make a rapist averse to rape?

Geez. Who is going to continue reading my commentaries on the Green Lantern Corps when all I can do is discuss rape? I'm suddenly like the comic book store guy in this post! "Hey ladies! Who wants to have a long and lengthy rape discussion with me over dessert and drinks?! Men, you're welcome as well, as long as you're weaker and less powerful than me. Don't worry. It won't get weird!"

I think I just creeped myself out.

Does it even matter if I continue at this point?! I think I can hear Unfollow Buttons being clicked all across the world.

Don't worry! Mogo will save you from the horror of my words!

I think I need a layer of Mogo around my brain.

I scanned this to get all of Mogo's dialogue so the next scan will have its desired effect.

I find this image tremendously comforting.

The limits of the layout of the page forces me to reduce that image to 620 pixels but I hope the feeling still comes through. After all the torment that Volthoom has put the Green Lantern Corps through, this image of Mogo protecting them and pulling them to the safety of its bosom with quiet words of comfort was unexpectedly sweet and touching.

But I imagine the moment won't last too long. I don't know if Volthoom is yet powerful enough to screw with Mogo's past or if planets, evolving over such great lengths of time, are less mutable to his time line changing powers. I don't think I've ever read any Green Lantern stories with Mogo, so I don't know the character's personality. Whether it's different or not here, I love this image of Mogo as nourishing protector of the other Corps Members.

Volthoom isn't sure if his powers will work on a planet either. But he's certainly going to try!

Guy Gardner Put Downs 101: "Remove any part of a person's name. Replace it with 'Crap'."

Volthoom's next big trick is to create Red, Yellow, and Black constructs of every member of the Green Lantern Corps. I take it he has as many strange and wonderful powers as H'el had. You know, any power he needs to advance the plot.

The next few pages are filled with panels of the Green Lanterns fighting their doppelgangers.

This is my favorite panel.

And then all the doppelgangers stop fighting and Mogo reveals that this was not Volthoom's doing at all! Volthoom doesn't have any old power he wants! Mogo does! Not really. I'll let Mogo explain its plan:

Mogo does not just provide refuge and comfort but nourishment as well.

Thanks to Mogo, the Green Lantern Corps is ready to take on Volthoom and put an end to this cosmic event. Hopefully the last Green Lantern Cosmic Event for many, many years.

Green Lantern Corps #19 Rating: +2 Ranking. Mogo's personality being comprised of the way human beings anthropomorphize the planet Earth won me over. I found it odd that John uses the male pronoun at one point in conjunction with Mogo. Being that a planet shelters and nourishes the creatures on it, I'd expect people to generally use the female pronoun when discussing Mogo. Although Mogo is still a planet which, personality or not, is genderless, so I will continue to use "it".

Threshold #4

This fold-out just seems like a non sequitur. "Trapped inside the bottle city of...donkey balls!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...trout!" "Trapped inside the bottle city of...bottle city!"

I guess the reason Jediah Caul has been without his power battery is that it's been miniaturized and shoved inside one of Brainiac's tiny cities. That seems about par for the course in the DC Universe. Why can't things ever go smoothly? I guess because twenty pages of Jediah Caul taking a leisurely stroll then sipping some tea then going home for a relaxing nap wouldn't hold anybody's interests. Well, it would hold my interests.

Yeah, that last sentence was probably either a lie or self-delusion. I'm sure I'd bitch and moan through the whole comic.

The issue begins with some thing falling apart or turning into Brainiac or something. Then Ember follows Stealth around because Ember wants a best friend. And then Star Hawkins, Ace Space Detective, and his robot Ilda convinced Jediah Caul that the host of The Hunted, Adonis, had his Green Power Battery.

I should condense all of my commentaries down to really short summaries like this! That's all the stuff I need to remember when I begin reading Threshold #5 next month! Everything else is just padding and bullshit to entertain other people. It's not like I asked other people to want to be entertained! The internet is a big place. Go read somebody else's synopsis of Threshold #4 if I'm boring you! This whole blog was only meant to supplement my failing memory anyway!

Man, why am I so abrasive and short-tempered? What a jerk!

I do like Ilda. Ilda is Hawkins' Assista-bot. Her mind has been imprinted with Hawkin's dead ex-wife's memories, so they're constantly bickering and tearing each other down. It's the healthiest relationship I've seen in a long time.

Meanwhile K'rot and Sleen are considering how to break into Adonis the Slug's house to get the battery as well.

This simplifying thing is great! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!

Meanwhile, the Lady Styx has given Adonis's section of town over to the Collector (the Brainiac AI!) for shrinkage. Something about a non-aggression pact or something. I should probably scan a picture here.

So he's going to be miniaturized while miniature?

On the way in, Ilda notices a robot that isn't a robot at all. It's actually a rabbit. A robot rabbit. Caul instantly decides it must be K'rot because how many giant, anthropomorphic bunnies can there be in the DCnU, right? So he jumps over to K'rot so he can give him what-for for the Blue Beetle incident.

That works out nicely. As long as K'rot isn't lying.

To argue with each other, Caul dropped his miniature disguise and K'rot dropped his robot disguise. Ilda informs them that they may have made a bit of a mistake.

Maybe this will work to their advantage. I don't know how! I'm not writing it!

I just realized even these simply sentences summarizing the story are taking up too much time! I wonder if there's a way to shorten even these and still somehow remember what happened in the story?

Adonis the Slug realizes that once the Collector sucks up his neighborhood, they may lose some of their contestants. Adonis is on his way off the premises and he's got the folded space warehouse where the Power Battery is kept. It's a tiny sphere he can't stop fondling as he goes about his business.

You know, I'm glad K'rot looks like a rabbit and Adonis looks like a slug. There are so many characters running around Tolerance that I've been having trouble identifying all of the humanoids. Stealth, Ember, Space Ranger Rik Starr, Space Detective Hawkins, T'morra the Rebel Leader, Ilda the Assista-Bot with an attitude, and probably more that I can't remember which is why I'm so confused.

Well, that's one less humanoid I have to keep straight!

Ilda blows herself up to destroy the security coming for Caul and K'rot. But she'll probably be back to confuse me with another look since she has Caul take her memory chip before he continues on to find Adonis.

K'rot finds Adonis just before he boards his ship and fires tiny little Caul onto Adonis's head. Once Adonis boards, Caul turns back to normal and begins wrestling with the slug. Man, that should be an easy fight! The longer it goes, the worse the slug man is going to fare! Caul is human so he'll begin sweating and then Adonis will begin dissolving! Although Adonis thinks he's some kind of tough guy. He may look fancy, but he claims to be a mean bastard.

So it's the same as human puberty.

Because of the squabbling, Adonis never gets clear of the Collector. The story ends with Brainiac admiring his new city in a bottle, Tolerance's Sh'oiki Borough. And it comes with better than life action figures of Jediah Caul, Captain K'rot, and Adonis the Fancy Slug!

Meanwhile in the back-up story, all hell is breaking loose at the Space Truck stop, The Brimming Trough. L.E.G.I.O.N. has attacked so they can bring Branx Rancor into custody. But then they decided they could grab up the Star Rovers as well! But Larfleeze kind of needs these guys too, so he's not going to let this happen. And then there's the added chaos of Larfleeze's rogue Orange Lantern Corps. One thing's for certain: The Brimming Trough's insurance premiums are going up.

The New 52 needs more whimsical, crazy, fantastic shit like this. Seriously.

Stargrave, Larfleeze's Alfred, tells Larfleeze that the Orange Constructs are stealing him. That's what makes Larfleeze flip the fuck out and he's able to return the constructs to his ring. The L.E.G.I.O.N. Bots have all been destroyed. So I think everyone is free to get back to searching for Larfleeze's stuff! Except there's still the matter of paying Branx Rancor for his service. Branx wants to be paid something and Larfleeze thinks "something" is too high.

I think at least 10 of the 52 titles should be given to Threshold and its characters! There are too many for just this one book and they're all more fun than those grim, pathetic, super heroes all losing their friends and sidekicks and brothers and butlers!

Stargrave makes a deal with Rancor and doesn't tell Larfleeze. Everybody thinks they're getting what they want and there's no shame so now they can all go about the business of finding Larfleeze's stuff. All that's left is for Rancor to touch Larfleeze to get a hint of his essence so he can track down the treasure. And Rancor tracks Larfleeze's treasure down to Larfleeze. Well at least that bit of treasure hunting shouldn't cost too much. Larfleeze is super happy that Larfleeze is the thief which pisses off the real thief to no end.

I like Larfleeze so much that I often forget he's a mass murderer and all of his Orange Constructs are his victims. Creepy.

Threshold #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I have a confession to make: I am in love with Threshold's back-up story. It's witty and intelligent and silly and whimsical and goofy and smart and has a crazy, beautiful art style. It's what I want in my comic books. Let's have less sad comic books putting their lead characters though misery and more crazy, over-the-top, fun and smart comic books. Mature content does not have to mean death and sadness.

Demon Knights #19

This comic book should have been cancelled when Adam One was killed at the beginning of time.

Not that I want this comic book to be cancelled! It's one of my favorites! It's just that time is different now thanks to the flame-headed people switching everything over to the Magenta Timeline. Although if I really dug into my DC Fanboy Logic Vaults, I can make excuses for anything. And this one is easier than most. Just make Merlin somebody else! Perhaps since there was no Adam One/Merlin, Mordred founded the Demon Knights for his own reasons and they have no connection to anything called Stormwatch at all. They're just a bunch of misfits that joined together through the machinations and manipulations of some dick wizard. Oh wait! That's exactly how it happened with Merlin anyway!

So see? Changing the timeline hardly means changing the current action in most books. But I wonder if there is now an Earth Prime and an Earth Prime Magenta? That's probably the best way to sort Stormwatch and the rest of the Earth Prime books now.

At the end of last issue, Cain was about to raid Themyscira and Savage was about to raid the Demon Knights' camp.

Vandal Savage is crying out for a hug. He's just acting out because he hasn't been included.

I really enjoy how the conversation proceeds from here. Nobody, not even Savage, is rushing to punch anybody else in the throat or simply acting snarky and disagreeable just to be contrary. Vandal points out that everyone should be slightly more than pissed at Jason Blood and Etrigan for taking them to Hell and nearly ending their immortal lives. That's a reasonable point! But then the Horsewoman lets Savage know that he may be immortal but if Etrigan dies, the world as he knows it may end. A compelling argument for someone who indulges his every desire and whim in the current world. Why would he want to see that world come to ruin? So his response to her? "I'm listening." Fucking incredible. Just...just...man. It's fucking genius how Venditti writes the characters as individual characters that act the way you'd expect the characters to act! This could have been three pages of brawling until somebody said, "What are we doing!? We must stop Cain!" And then they'd all go, "Okay! We'll band together for now!" Instead they discuss the situation and when Vandal finally decides they're all idiots anyway and he's going to kill Etrigan despite what might happen, Xanadu blasts him in the chest and that's it for the fighting. The conversation and the pacing make these a really nice three pages to get Vandal Savage back with the group. Solid and believable. And, as always, Vandal makes every line enjoyable.

Meanwhile, Paradise Island has vampires storming its shores. Can't they get the Gods to help them? Or can not even the Gods harm Cain for fear of death? But the vampires don't storm Hippolyta's stronghold because daybreak is nearly upon them. They hide out waiting for nightfall while the Demon Knights finish building their boat and try to catch up.

I wonder if the Horsewoman is still alive in The New 52 present and I wonder if she can bond with cows. You see where I'm going with this?

Back in Hell where Jason Blood dared Lucifer to torture him more than Etrigan could, Jason Blood is being horribly tortured. There are certain things you don't say to certain people. You don't begin any sentence to an elderly person with "In the long run..." and you don't tell Satan "I'm not afraid of you!" These things just don't end well. But while Lucifer is enjoying the sweet pain and suffering of the idiot Jason Blood, he has a Revelation.

Okay, maybe it's just a small "r" kind of revelation.

Speaking of Revelations, isn't it somewhere in that Biblical book where they speak about the Mark of the Beast? Oh yes, here it is. Revelations 13:16-17: "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name." I don't know about you but it sure sounds like cell phones to me. Why would the vision confuse the mark as being on the hand or possibly the forehead? Oh, I don't know. Because you hold the stupid thing up to your head? Yeah, you all fell for it! You've all been avoiding government chips and ID cards but y'all took the stupid Mark of the Beast of your own volition because it was too tempting not to have! It's obvious that's the way the Mark would end up being distributed. Not as something forced on the populace but something the populace felt they couldn't live without. I don't think my burner phone I use exclusively for work counts since I can't buy anything with it. So I'm saving you all from the End Times by being one of the few not yet succumbing to the Mark. So don't let me die! I'm saving the world over here!

Lucifer is such a pussy. Why is he so afraid of Cain? He's just a man! Well a man blessed by God. I mean cursed by God. I never get that right on the first try!

The Demon Knights make it to land just in time to save Hippolyta and her army with the knowledge of how to kill vampires. Vampires are stupid. How did they ever let the secret way to kill them get out?! They could have been so much more if nobody knew their weakness. I guess it's not their fault. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the enemy always knows his rival's weakness because most writers are lazy. Not that Venditti is being lazy! That was just an example! If I wasn't enjoying Venditti's writing, I'd make it blatantly apparent by disparaging his ancestors multiple times.

During the battle, Sir Ystin approaches Cain for conversion to Vampiricism because one of Merlin's prophecies said, "An evil that will own your very spirit." There might have been more to it than that but I don't remember it and I'm simply relying on the flashback given in the comic book. Also, Merlin could give that prophecy because this story isn't taking place on the sub-Earth, Earth Prime Magenta. Ystin takes it in the neck and collapses. I wonder if this will backfire on Cain for some reason? Like that time the vampire bit Apollo over in Stormwatch. Oh wait. Nevermind. That didn't happen anymore.

Back in Hell, Jason returns to Earth as a personal favor to Lucifer.

And then Etrigan does a personal favor for Lucifer. Boy, Lucifer is really racking up the debts.

Once Etrigan returns full of hellfire, he lays waste to the Vampires with his fiery breath. With the help of the Amazons, the Demon Knights dispatch the last of Cain's army. He says some typical villain words of bravado before tucking his tail and fleeing. I especially like how he transforms into a murder of crows as he flees. Unless it's a parliament of rooks. Or a writing desk of ravens.

Lastly, Exoristos looks to Sir Ystin. He's been bitten but she seems to have retained his senses, more or less. She mentions needing this curse to continue seeking the Grail and Hippolyta's ears perk up. Instead of slaughtering Sir Ystin and punishing Exoristos for returning to the island, the Queen decides to repay the Demon Knights' help with tea, sandwiches, and information.

I'm only guessing at the tea and sandwiches.

Demon Knights #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book fills out twenty pages better than most of The New 52. I rarely feel dissatisfied with the length or the action or the characterizations. What I find truly impressive is that Venditti is the second writer on this book and it doesn't feel like a writer change has occurred at all. This book has been more consistent than some books that have retained a single writer over the last year and a half.

Batman and Red Robin #19

I really thought it was going to be Batcow.

This issue begins with sassy, perky Carrie Kelley delivering porn to Damian. But Damian is dead so Alfred ends up with it and Bruce becomes concerned that his ten year old son was dealing with a sexy community college girl. Also, it may not have been porn. But it was $1000 for five discs of "Playhouse 90 Kinescope". That sure sounds like porn to me!

Whatever it was, Bruce wants to know somebody that knew Damian in a different way than he knew Damian. A very different way. Hopefully a different way? Anyway, he goes out to pay her a visit and the $1000 Damian owed on the discs.

Okay, I'm over Damian.

Bruce Wayne kind of freaks out a bit at this young girl dressed as his son who answers the door. Instead of finding out about her or paying her bill, he just turns around and gets back in the car and tells Alfred to get them the fuck out of there. Meanwhile, Carrie is yelling out of the window wondering where Damian is. Doesn't she watch TMZ? I'm sure TMZ would have aired the story about billionaire Bruce Wayne's son getting killed in a tandem bicycle accident with Robin the Boy Wonder.

Batman finally does the sane thing and goes insane. He's decided to find Frankenstein, Agent of S.H.A.D.E., kidnap him, and, I presume, find out the secret of bringing life back to the dead. His search for Frankenstein leaves him out of touch with Alfred for long enough that Alfred becomes concerned and contacts Tim Drake to maybe go track him down.

Batman and Frankenstein have a reasonable discussion about the ramifications of resurrection on the human condition.

Or as reasonable as a monster like Batman can manage.

Red Robin eventually finds Dr. Batmanstein holed up in Castle Frankenstein in the arctic. He's begun dissecting Frankenstein so that he can figure out how resurrection works. Even with whatever knowledge Frankenstein has and even though it might be blasphemy to say this about the Goddamned Batman, I don't think Bruce has the scientific knowledge to reverse engineer life from unlife. Although maybe with Tim Drake acting as Igor, they can figure it out!

Although for my money, I'd just go back and offer the Robin job to Carrie Kelley. The Robin suit finally looked good on someone!

Yeah but do you want your son looking like a stitched up bag of luggage the color of cat vomit? There are so many other resurrection options open to you in the DCnU!

Red Robin decides it's time to get into a fist fight with Batman because Tim Drake apparently isn't as smart as everybody thinks he is. He also claims that Batman can't bring Damian back. But is Tim living in the same universe that Bruce is? Obviously people come back from the dead in this world. It happens all of the time, especially in the pages of the Suicide Squad. So let Batman exhaust his options because he just might stumble upon one that works.

Frank's head tells Batman that he's allowed him to dissect him to see how wrong it would be to turn Damian into a Monster like this. But Batman isn't listening to anybody anymore. He's crazed and desperate. So Red Robin remotely fires the lasers on his jet to destroy all of the equipment in Doctor Batmanstein's lab. Batman isn't exactly thrilled.

He should kill Tim too. Once he figures out the secret of resurrecting someone, he can bring Tim back too.

Batman takes off to figure something else out while Frank whines about needing to be stitched back together. Can't he do it himself?

Batman and Red Robin #19 Rating: No change. I don't imagine we'll be seeing much of Carrie Kelley any time soon. She just seemed a character thrown in as a nice twist for the cover. But you never know now that she's out there.

Deathstroke #19

Are we finally going to see how Rose Wilson fits in? I bet everyone just pretends she was part of the family from the beginning. Especially since you just have to ignore Rob Liefeld's stuff to believe it.

Hopefully nobody will ask Deathstroke to kill for free this issue. I don't want Slade to have to be offended.

Deathstroke begins five years ago with Grifter, Slade, and Steve Trevor escaping the place where the island of Gamorra used to be.

Slade's non-war Journal continues with his story about tracking Lynch down to kill Lynch for sending the 10,000 ninjas after him but then talking with Lynch instead of killing him and learning that Majestic was coming back from wherever he had been. Perhaps Majestic knocked himself out for five years when he hit the water at meteor speeds? And now that he's coming back, Lynch doesn't trust him in the same way that Batman doesn't trust Superman. Lynch tries to kill Majestic with a nuclear missile which probably just pissed off Majestic. I don't know what Batman would do if Superman ever went bad since Batman doesn't kill. Would he contain Superman in some kind of Kryptonite prison? Has Batman already built a Kryptonite prison? Batman has to be ready, right? I wonder if it's underneath Gotham?

Anyway, that's the basic premise of what's happening although I'm a bit confused by it because I think a little bit of the story has been told in both Team 7 and Deathstroke with some flashbacks here and there. I believe the bottom line is that Deathstroke has decided to help Lynch try to kill Majestic instead of trying to kill Lynch.

And then Deathstroke walks in with Rose Wilson and Terra and I stop reading this comic book to read The Ravagers #11. I already put this comic book aside once to read Team 7 #7 after the initial opening of underwater Gamorra. Now I have to read Ravagers too! Be right back. Again!

*soft, annoying music*

Well, that didn't explain anything! It was the best issues of Ravagers yet. Hmm, that means it still could be really, really shitty. So let me rephrase: Issue #11 of The Ravagers was really good and I could see the comic being successful with this story! Too bad it's over in Issue #12. So whatever happens after Issue #12, it looks like Rose Wilson and Deathstroke have dealt with their family issues and Terra is once again hanging about his side because she probably betrayed Beast Boy. Again.

I think I understand the plan! Unless Majestic is gay. Then I don't understand the plan at all.

The other people Lynch brought in to stop Majestic are Adeline Wilson, Jericho Wilson, and Grant Wilson. Slade seems shocked that Lynch brought them here but he doesn't seem shocked to see his wife and Jericho alive. I don't know when he found out they were still alive. I'm not even sure if anybody at DC knows why he knows they're still alive. Perhaps everybody just decided to ignore Liefeld's take on the Wilsons. Rose is happy to see her mother though. So Rose is the daughter of Adeline and Slade. I guess if everyone is ignoring Liefeld's history, they can ignore the part where Rose didn't exist when Adeline and Joseph were apparently killed.

Lynch thinks the reason the Wilsons are here is so Joseph, now going exclusively by Jericho, can control Majestic for Lynch. But Jericho has other plans. He's taken over his mother and brother. He accepted the deal so he could take over Rose and Slade as well but he finds they're minds are too hard to take over. He also can't control Lynch. But he's hoping he can take over Majestic for his own use. So even though Lynch thought he was in control, he was wrong. Jericho is a great big evil jerk (like Liefeld reintroduced him!) who is manipulating everybody for his own ends.

He means he'll become nonexistent bullshit?

All hell breaks loose as Lynch, Slade, and Rose try to stop Jericho and his mind-zombies. Eventually Rose gets her sword up to Jericho's neck and threatens to kill him if he doesn't let everyone go. Or make him mute with a slit throat, right?! Except Jericho can still talk right now and before he loses his voice, he tries to convince Rose to join his side.

This directly contradicts Deathstroke #0 where Adeline and Baby Joseph were presumed killed by an explosion. While Narration Boxing about the night she and Joseph supposedly died, Adeline says, "If birthing two children had slowed me down, it wasn't by much." So no Rose when she "died". Joseph was a baby when he "died". So no honey and banana sandwiches for the baby before Slade "left" them. And although I didn't mention it in my Team 7 #7 commentary, that whole Gamorra fight and the way Slade gets his powers (I'm presuming a bit here but I'm sure it was from Lynch and the Genfactor) doesn't add up to the story in Deathstroke #0.

Lynch decides to just end it all and telekinesis everyone out of the way, TKs a gun into his hand, and shoots Jericho in the face. At least, that's his intention.

Gotta love the next month tease!

Deathstroke #19 Rating: No change. I think the bad balances out the good in this issue. The good is making up a new back story for Deathstroke and his family because Liefeld forgot about Rose and fucked up just about everything he touched anyway. The bad is that I was confused because I'm trying to remember all the history and stories of The New 52 and then they just keep changing shit willy nilly. But also the good is that tag line and a big brawl with Majestic. But the bad is that this whole story with Lynch and Slade across Team 7 and Deathstroke was a bit confusing at its best and barely comprehensible at its worst.

The Ravagers #11

It's a good thing Caitlin had a Swivel-Spine installed so she can fight enemies in front and in back of her at the same time. Also, she can do the Boob-Butt Showcase with ease.

Last issue, Deathstroke stabbed Little Boy Ridge in the thorax (I'm pretty sure Ridge had a thorax) with a mystical blade that burnt up Ridge's body. But I see Ridge on the cover, so it probably wasn't a fatal stabbing, gutting, and burning. But the smell awakens Beast Boy and he goes to wake up Terra who is totally up for fucking under the scent of human flesh.

Terra sleeps with a Preboot Version of Beast Boy.

While Deathstroke is wandering about Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters killing various children, Rose Wilson and Warblade have also shown up with their own agenda. Their agenda is to capture various children to bring back to Harvest. But since Harvest just paid a small country's GDP to Deathstroke to kill them, he might not be as pleased as Rose is hoping when she brings the kids alive to Harvest's lair. Rose Wilson currently has a blade to Caitlin Fairchild's throat.

I wonder if Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man is going to be Beast Boy and Terra's child? They'll probably have sex because Terra is so fucking turned on by the smell of burning Ridges. Terra and Beast Boy are probably carriers of Harvest's Chrono-Virus, so immediately after sex, Terra will give birth to Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. Then everyone will have to team up to defeat him. Which they'll do. And then Slade Wilson will crack a joke and they'll all laugh. But the joke won't come until the end of next issue because I'm hoping that's the last issue of this comic book.

Does it make me weird that I'm aroused picturing Caitlin literally crapping on Rose? Or does that just make me German?

Meanwhile, Deathstroke jabs his mystic blade into Niles Caulder causing a flesh meltdown and a rich sexual aroma. But before Niles Caulder could be captured in the PokeBlade, he instituted a security protocol to release Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. The Doom Patrol always had the best villains and/or Security Protocols.

And finally Warblade shows up to attack Thunder and Lightning and Terra and Beast Boy as they run around Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters confused at the security alert. They probably should have listened to Niles Caulder's safety briefing when they first arrived. But they were all too full of angst back then to listen to anybody in a position of authority.

I'm not sure why Rose is offering this particular nugget of truncated wisdom as Fairchild smashes her through a steel wall.

With everybody now in the, well, whatever room they're all in, Deathstroke shows up to catch them all. He greets Rose by name so they do know each other. She does have his last name and she was his daughter in another pre-time and pre-place but their relationship has yet to be explored in The New 52. At the time Adeline and Baby Jericho were supposedly killed, there was no sign of a daughter in the Wilson household. I still think she should be the native girl from Eclipso Island.

Everybody recognizes Deathstroke from TMZ. He's so scary and deadly that Rose and Warblade instantly join The Ravagers! Warblade doesn't even have anything snarky and rebellious to say!

Well, maybe just a little bit snarky.

But just as the plan to not get defeated by Deathstroke too quickly is put into action, Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man crashes through the floor! What happens to the plan now? My new plan would be run away really fast while Deathstroke kills it for free and then kills himself from the shame of being manipulated into a freebie. I have a feeling the real plan is going to be Total Chaos.

Actually, Caitlin puts my plan into action with the added benefit of family drama to help her escape.

While Deathstroke and Warblade fight to the death because Warblade is one of those arrogant, stupid idiots that think challenging yourself against the best is a fun diversion, the Ravagers and Rose murder Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man. And then Warblade utters his last words: "Rose! Run!"

That's just a mask though. Right? *sniff* RIGHT?!

As Deathstroke continues to fill out his PokeDex, Rose drags Caitlin away from the battle to show her Niles Caulder's secret sex doll room.

Okay. Between this and Animal-Vegetable-Mineral Man, Niles Caulder is officially on his way to being as creepy and disturbing as the Preboot Chief.

Rose continues to try to drag Caitlin further into Caulder's lair because he has something that can stop Deathstroke. But Caitlin's having a little bit of trouble moving past The Caitlin Fairchild Memorial Clone and Sexdoll Museum.

Ego? Narcissism? Arrogance?

The Ravagers #11 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic book finally had a really good issue and it ends with "To Be Concluded"! I know I said earlier that I was hoping next issue would be the last. But after this issue? This comic book could go places! Oh well. I guess that's what happens when, month after month, you let Howard Mackie shit in a jar, bury it underground for three weeks, then dig it back up, put it in a folder, and hand it to his editor as the script for next months Ravagers.