I, Vampire #19

Too bad Tig's body was used to bring Lilith back since Andrea Sorrentino is back in the credits! I could have had my adorable Tig back!

Armageddon was coming to the House of Mystery but since Constantine has the ability to move the House to whatever imaginary place he likes, Armageddon was at least going to be localized. This Armageddon was due to the fact that Satan got his chocolate in God's peanut butter. And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, I checked out Google Ads to see about adding them to this site and was declined because I have adult content. And by adult content, I mean I speak like a fucking adult without a crucifix up his Goddamned cunt. Hey Google? Guess who buys things? Adults, you stupid motherfuckers. When are we, as civilized people, going to stop judging words because our ancestors judged words? You don't have to protect children from bad words if you just up and decide that no words are bad. It's that fucking easy, people! And guess what would happen? The word "fuck" would probably drop in popularity. I'd probably replace it with "cramp". "I am so cramping upset, you mothercramping cramper!" Plus we'd automatically drop a whole slew of hangups that people wind up carting around their entire adult lives. Remember people: removing the negative stigma of words is not a slippery slope to worldwide genocide!

Unless it is! But I don't see how it would be since the people being slaughtered would probably be saying "fuck" and "shit" and "Goddamm it!" a whole lot more than the people doing the killing.

Also, for people that might think, "If we take away the negative connotation of swear words, what's next?", I say, "Why not everything?" We have a lot of taboos that don't have any reason to be taboos except for traditional and religious reasons. Most taboos are the hard candy in the bowl on our grandparents' table. Nobody eats them but nobody throws the useless things away either. It's time to throw out the big clump of humidity-welded hard candies and get on with being an adult civilization, people!

And now that I've told you all to be adults, it's time to get back to my comic book. Actually I should be getting around to making a very important phone call for my business but who wants to deal with that bullshit? I want to read about vampires.

Allow me to allow Mary to explain, in a very entertaining way, what's been going on:

So much to love here. I really like the dig at Andrew's ex-girlfriend and the callback to Cain's connection to The House of Mystery.

Sorrentino's art is used for the scenes flashing back to when Andrew first returned to Mary as a monster. So even if Tig were still Tig, she still wouldn't have benefited by Sorrentino's return to finish this book.

Just a moment as I imagine this is me and Tig.

Back in the present with the other artist, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr has decided to end Cain's reign of terror once and for all. Naked and pissed, she shall wreak fiery vengeance! That was not a sexual innuendo although I'm a bit curious as to how it might turn out if it was. She believes she will win because she's finally good and the only reason she never won before was because she was evil. Oh yeah? Perhaps the reason you never won, oh so great Bloody Mary, is that you were incompetent?

What actually ends up happening, as it always does, is that the two women (Lilith and Mary) begin fighting while practically naked and the two men (Andrew and Cain) also begin fighting while practically naked. It's the same old story since time immemorial. And every time, a bunch of people stood off to the side masturbating.

So in between reading pages of I, Vampire, I made my business call to speak with Steve. I spoke with Steve's secretary who said Steve would call me back. Eventually Steve called me back and then said he'd have to call me back after he spoke to his boss, Don. Conclusion? The unemployment rate isn't high enough! Apparently "Job Creation" is every time somebody at a place of employment thinks, "I don't ever want to fucking do that again."

While Cain and Andrew are fighting, Debbie Dancer comes up from behind Cain and chops his head off. I knew God marking Cain's forehead had a huge flaw in it! It's one of the first questions I asked when reading about Cain in The Bible! What if someone approaches him from behind to murder him? They can't see he's been Cursed/Blessed by God! Well, it doesn't work anyway.

Although now Debbie Dancer is cursed sevenfold.

If, in reality, this fight wouldn't be so terrifying what with the legions of Hell and the Wrath of God and the vampires and the green demon women and the decapitations, I'm pretty sure I'd be one of those bystanders masturbating to it.

Never you mind which couple I'd be watching.

Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr suggests that Andrew take Cain into the heart of the House of Mystery since it was built to be his prison. Andrew grabs Cain and propels him up through the ceiling to find that the House of Mystery has a far scarier Juris than the House of Secrets ever had.

And make him tell stories too!

Now that Cain has finally been punished to the backwaters of the DCnU and, perhaps in time, his own anthology series, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr simply has to defeat Lilith and everything will be right with the world. Oh, and they might have to deal with that portal linking Heaven to Hell.

The Vampire Fighting Scooby Doo gang actually decide to do things topsy-turvy and close the portal first. And by Scooby Doo, I mean Mishkin. It seems once his master changed back into a good-two shoes vampire, Mishkin turned into a goody-two shoes vampire dog. Because dogs always do what their masters say. It's not in a dog to judge morality! Rolling over? Playing dead? Sicking balls? It's all the same to him if his master's voice commands it! So Mishkin knocks the Van Helsing's Accountant into the portal which closes it because it can only be closed by consuming the flesh of the person that opened it. I'd say that calls for a Mishkin Snack*.

*A small cow or human child. Unless Mishkin is no longer a Vampire Dog in which case it is an average sized postal worker.

Once the portal closes, Lilith loses her connection to the Material Plane and explodes out of Tig's mouth and eyes. Meaning that everything is once again right with the world.

Although my real crush was on Vampire Tig and I think she may have been cured of her beautifully sexy ailment.

According to the next page, Mishkin is definitely still a vampire dog. And Tig is still a sweet vampire lass. The only trouble is that she's partnering up with the stupid Magic-user Vampire that she turned outside Club Warlock. The Magic Vampire and Tig escape before they can be killed by Andrew Bennett's new Vampire Hunting Scooby Doo gang featureing Andrew as Freddy, Deborah Dancer as Velma, Virgin Non-bloody Mary as Daphne, and Mishkin as Scooby Doo. I guess Professor John would have been Shaggy if they hadn't killed him. That's okay. I'm sure Shaggy probably died of a heroin overdose in the back of the Mystery Machine at some point anyway.

It's too bad the Daphne part of the team has to rush off to the afterlife so soon.

Ugh. Adult content. I hope no advertisers are watching!

So apparently the Vampire Scooby Gang is a little short on members. But that won't stop them from hunting down Tig and the magic guy whose name I can't fucking remember. But that's another story. And this story ends with Andrew remembering how it wasn't he and his vampiric bite that turned Mary into the Bloody monster she became. It was when he disappeared and she was left alone with Andrew's father who raped her repeatedly. It wasn't Andrew that made Mary a monster. It was his father. And Mary's first act of bloody vengeance happened while she was still human, mere minutes before she became a vampire.

Would it be inappropriate for me to say that Joshua Hale Fialkov killed it on this final issue? Magnificent ending.

I, Vampire #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. This comic book gets bonus rankings for having a near perfect ending and for bringing Tig back so that she can have her own New 52 series in the future. Drawn by Andrea Sorrentino, of course! It's too bad that one of the best books in the New 52 was cancelled but they ended it really well. So here's to future issues of I, Vampire whenever DC decides to give it another go.

Demon Knights #19

This comic book should have been cancelled when Adam One was killed at the beginning of time.

Not that I want this comic book to be cancelled! It's one of my favorites! It's just that time is different now thanks to the flame-headed people switching everything over to the Magenta Timeline. Although if I really dug into my DC Fanboy Logic Vaults, I can make excuses for anything. And this one is easier than most. Just make Merlin somebody else! Perhaps since there was no Adam One/Merlin, Mordred founded the Demon Knights for his own reasons and they have no connection to anything called Stormwatch at all. They're just a bunch of misfits that joined together through the machinations and manipulations of some dick wizard. Oh wait! That's exactly how it happened with Merlin anyway!

So see? Changing the timeline hardly means changing the current action in most books. But I wonder if there is now an Earth Prime and an Earth Prime Magenta? That's probably the best way to sort Stormwatch and the rest of the Earth Prime books now.

At the end of last issue, Cain was about to raid Themyscira and Savage was about to raid the Demon Knights' camp.

Vandal Savage is crying out for a hug. He's just acting out because he hasn't been included.

I really enjoy how the conversation proceeds from here. Nobody, not even Savage, is rushing to punch anybody else in the throat or simply acting snarky and disagreeable just to be contrary. Vandal points out that everyone should be slightly more than pissed at Jason Blood and Etrigan for taking them to Hell and nearly ending their immortal lives. That's a reasonable point! But then the Horsewoman lets Savage know that he may be immortal but if Etrigan dies, the world as he knows it may end. A compelling argument for someone who indulges his every desire and whim in the current world. Why would he want to see that world come to ruin? So his response to her? "I'm listening." Fucking incredible. Just...just...man. It's fucking genius how Venditti writes the characters as individual characters that act the way you'd expect the characters to act! This could have been three pages of brawling until somebody said, "What are we doing!? We must stop Cain!" And then they'd all go, "Okay! We'll band together for now!" Instead they discuss the situation and when Vandal finally decides they're all idiots anyway and he's going to kill Etrigan despite what might happen, Xanadu blasts him in the chest and that's it for the fighting. The conversation and the pacing make these a really nice three pages to get Vandal Savage back with the group. Solid and believable. And, as always, Vandal makes every line enjoyable.

Meanwhile, Paradise Island has vampires storming its shores. Can't they get the Gods to help them? Or can not even the Gods harm Cain for fear of death? But the vampires don't storm Hippolyta's stronghold because daybreak is nearly upon them. They hide out waiting for nightfall while the Demon Knights finish building their boat and try to catch up.

I wonder if the Horsewoman is still alive in The New 52 present and I wonder if she can bond with cows. You see where I'm going with this?

Back in Hell where Jason Blood dared Lucifer to torture him more than Etrigan could, Jason Blood is being horribly tortured. There are certain things you don't say to certain people. You don't begin any sentence to an elderly person with "In the long run..." and you don't tell Satan "I'm not afraid of you!" These things just don't end well. But while Lucifer is enjoying the sweet pain and suffering of the idiot Jason Blood, he has a Revelation.

Okay, maybe it's just a small "r" kind of revelation.

Speaking of Revelations, isn't it somewhere in that Biblical book where they speak about the Mark of the Beast? Oh yes, here it is. Revelations 13:16-17: "And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name." I don't know about you but it sure sounds like cell phones to me. Why would the vision confuse the mark as being on the hand or possibly the forehead? Oh, I don't know. Because you hold the stupid thing up to your head? Yeah, you all fell for it! You've all been avoiding government chips and ID cards but y'all took the stupid Mark of the Beast of your own volition because it was too tempting not to have! It's obvious that's the way the Mark would end up being distributed. Not as something forced on the populace but something the populace felt they couldn't live without. I don't think my burner phone I use exclusively for work counts since I can't buy anything with it. So I'm saving you all from the End Times by being one of the few not yet succumbing to the Mark. So don't let me die! I'm saving the world over here!

Lucifer is such a pussy. Why is he so afraid of Cain? He's just a man! Well a man blessed by God. I mean cursed by God. I never get that right on the first try!

The Demon Knights make it to land just in time to save Hippolyta and her army with the knowledge of how to kill vampires. Vampires are stupid. How did they ever let the secret way to kill them get out?! They could have been so much more if nobody knew their weakness. I guess it's not their fault. I've been reading comic books long enough to know that the enemy always knows his rival's weakness because most writers are lazy. Not that Venditti is being lazy! That was just an example! If I wasn't enjoying Venditti's writing, I'd make it blatantly apparent by disparaging his ancestors multiple times.

During the battle, Sir Ystin approaches Cain for conversion to Vampiricism because one of Merlin's prophecies said, "An evil that will own your very spirit." There might have been more to it than that but I don't remember it and I'm simply relying on the flashback given in the comic book. Also, Merlin could give that prophecy because this story isn't taking place on the sub-Earth, Earth Prime Magenta. Ystin takes it in the neck and collapses. I wonder if this will backfire on Cain for some reason? Like that time the vampire bit Apollo over in Stormwatch. Oh wait. Nevermind. That didn't happen anymore.

Back in Hell, Jason returns to Earth as a personal favor to Lucifer.

And then Etrigan does a personal favor for Lucifer. Boy, Lucifer is really racking up the debts.

Once Etrigan returns full of hellfire, he lays waste to the Vampires with his fiery breath. With the help of the Amazons, the Demon Knights dispatch the last of Cain's army. He says some typical villain words of bravado before tucking his tail and fleeing. I especially like how he transforms into a murder of crows as he flees. Unless it's a parliament of rooks. Or a writing desk of ravens.

Lastly, Exoristos looks to Sir Ystin. He's been bitten but she seems to have retained his senses, more or less. She mentions needing this curse to continue seeking the Grail and Hippolyta's ears perk up. Instead of slaughtering Sir Ystin and punishing Exoristos for returning to the island, the Queen decides to repay the Demon Knights' help with tea, sandwiches, and information.

I'm only guessing at the tea and sandwiches.

Demon Knights #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book fills out twenty pages better than most of The New 52. I rarely feel dissatisfied with the length or the action or the characterizations. What I find truly impressive is that Venditti is the second writer on this book and it doesn't feel like a writer change has occurred at all. This book has been more consistent than some books that have retained a single writer over the last year and a half.

Demon Knights #18

Why are those vampires vicious and mean? I thought they were supposed to be emo and sexy?

Last issue, Jason Blood led his group of ladies and horses and hermaphrodites to Madame Xanadu so that she could give him back his mouth. Being that he had no mouth, he couldn't tell them where they were going. Things almost erupted into a huge magic battle except Madame Xanadu recognized everybody. I wondered why Jason Blood couldn't take the time to write his companions a note to let them know where they were going. Seemed like the courteous thing to do.

Well, I guess that's a little bit better!

Xanadu informs the others that she can reverse the spell placed on Jason Blood and give him back his mouth. But she's really uppity and bitchy about it. Look, lady. I'm sure you were sitting in this dank cabin for years wondering where the fuck Jason Blood was and resenting him more and more each day. But you don't have to take out your hurt and anger on the people that brought him to you! Besides, why didn't you throw some bones and read some tea leaves or something. You could have known exactly when he'd return to this meeting place and then showed up ten minutes after that. Some seer you are!

You may have gotten the hint that I have no patience for Madame Xanadu.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he gets his mouth back:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood was Vandal's prisoner for several years, Vandal Savage told him all kinds of wacky stories. His favorite story to tell Jason Blood was how when Blood was in Hell and Etrigan was palling around with everyone, Madame Xanadu was constantly throwing herself at him.

Vandal: "Did I tell you the time I woke up in the middle of the night to take a piss and drunkenly wandered back into Xanadu's tent?"
Jason: "Mmmmph! Mmmph hmmmph!"
Vandal: "No? Well there she was, naked as a nymph, her knees pressed firmly to either side of Etrigan's face as his forked demon's tongue spelunked her witch's cave."
Jason: "Mmmmmmmm! Mphhphmmmph!"
Vandal: "What did I do? Well I joined in! You know what I really wanted to try though? I wanted to shove my dick right up Etrigan's ass and then make him say the chant to bring you back! Ha! I would have loved to see the look on your face! I'd have needed a mirror for that, I guess. But you know why I never tried it?"
Jason: "Mmmmm-mmmmm!"
Vandal: "Oh, I'm sure with the proper incentive, Etrigan would have been up for it. No, no. The reason I never tried it was because I was afraid my penis would go to Hell lodged in Etrigan's nether orifice. And being immortal without a penis? No, no. Not worth the risk at all."

Stories like that have made Jason a little bit cynical as to why Madame Xanadu has finally turned up with the other companions. And once they say they need Etrigan, Jason cries like a bitch. He figures it's all true! Madame Xanadu did love Etrigan more!

I hope she did!

Apparently Jason would rather spend some time in Hell than listen to more of Xanadu's protestations, so he says the chant to bring Etrigan back. Is that really wise? Etrigan's been trapped in Hell for years! He's probably not going to want to switch places with Blood any time soon.

Anyway, this is the first thing he does when he returns from Hell:

Ugh. His breath must be foul.

While Jason Blood's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "You just want to fuck Etrigan!", Etrigan's reaction to kissing Madame Xanadu was "Let's fuck in front of everybody!" Gotta say. Etrigan is killing it while Jason Blood is just being a whiny bitch. I bet Glenda, Randu, and Harry all secretly liked Etrigan better as well. I mean, I bet they WILL like him better! I forgot what year it was!

Sir Ystin tells Etrigan about Cain and his cannibal army and Etrigan is actually interested. He's heard about this guy Cain that even Lucifer has no dominion over. I guess Lucifer can't recruit people east of Eden. So it looks like Proto-Stormwatch is together again!

I should take a moment to talk about the new Companion in the group: Brickwedge. Brickwedge is the Horsewoman's new horse partner. He's a stumpy little guy with a big attitude and you can't help but like him because unlike all the other horses, he thinks about more than just carrots and apples. Last issue he was annoyed with the way Exoristos was talking about him and the Horsewoman, so he slyly unbuckled her horse's saddle (with his mouth! Brickwedge doesn't have hands!) so Exoristos fell on her ass when they all took off. He's a cheeky little fella!

This is Brickwedge being disrespected by a bird.

This is Brickwedge continuously bitching about everybody else. I like this horse!

Brickwedge and his horsy companions (plus Ystin's pegasus whose name, not surprising anybody, I've completely forgotten) succeed in getting the moronic humans to the shores across from Themyscira in time to catch Cain's vampire army battling the Amazonian Coast Guard. I hope the Amazons don't suddenly attack Exoristos while ignoring Cain and his army! That would be just like a comic book!

The Amazon's first reaction. Jerks!

They're not even on Themyscira and the Amazons have to point out how Exoristos has been exiled and she's getting awfully close to breaking Amazonian Law! Instead, they should cheer and say, "Yay! Help has arrived in the form of somebody we know is a really terrific fighter because she trained among our people even though after this we probably won't be asking her to tea!" I guess that's an awfully long greeting while a dozen vampires are breathing down your neck.

The Coast Guard teach the companions how to kill vampires. I guess they weren't raised on horror movies and Stephen King and Anne Rice and Buffy and *pains me to say it* Twilight, so they're less familiar with vampires than 21st century two year olds. Plus, you know, it's years before Dracula made being a vampire sexy. Well, sexy if you let him charm you. Not so sexy when he's murdering the fuck out of you and sticking your head on a pole.

Once they learn the method of destroying vampires, the battle quickly comes to an end.

Looks like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea just got a new Header in the queue!

After the battle is over, the Companions discover that this was simply a small band of Cain's army. The rest have already set sail for Themyscira. So it looks like they'll be traveling to Paradise Island. Without the penises and Exoristos, of course. So Etrigan and Sir Ystin will have to remain behind. Of course I'm just speculating due to Themyscira's anti-man policy!

But before they can even find out if they'll be allowed to help the Amazons fight, Etrigan needs to return to Hell to rejuvenate. But he finds Jason Blood unwilling to return.

Oh boy! Here we go! Blood is seriously daring Lucifer to be worse than Vandal Savage? Man. A broken heart can really make a guy say some stupid shit.

And speaking of Vandal!

Yay! Before I wasn't sure who I wanted to win. But now I know! Vandal!

I hope this means Vandal Savage will end up on Themyscira. I want to see him go toe to toe with Queen Hippolyta! Also, Queen Hippolyta is oooooooooolllllllldddddddd!

Demon Knights #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. If the Preboot version of Paradise Island and Queen Hippolyta are anything like the pre-Crisis era Paradise Island, then the Amazons have nothing to fear from Cain and his vampire army. That's because, according to the Who's Who, Aphrodite gave Queen Hippolyta a girdle because she looked fat. I mean, she gave it to her because it was magic and it meant that as long as Hippolyta wore it (or kept it in her footlocker. I wasn't too clear on the details), the Amazons would never be defeated in battle. Also, I guess all of the Amazons remain young and good looking as long as they remain on Paradise Island and despise men.

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.

Cain!

Part 4 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

"Little is known of the early life of the man called Cain before he became caretaker of the so-called House of Mystery [And what about after John Constantine became Caretaker? Where is Cain now? Was he also the first vampire that created Andrew Bennett? Is he the spirit behind the Unknown Soldier?], and thus it has been speculated that he and his brother, Abel, caretaker of the House of Secrets [A much better house, in my opinion.] (see Abel), are in fact the reincarnated manifestations of the biblical Cain and Abel, the first murderer and his victim.

"What is known is that Cain is a consummate storyteller who takes particular delight in tales designed to terrify his audience [So that explains why the House of Mystery seemed more like the House of Horror over in Justice League Dark. Maybe.].

Unlike the House of Secrets, which stands directly across the cemetery from it, nothing is known of the origins of the House of Mystery [Because it's a mystery! The origin of the House of Secrets is known but nobody is telling. Shh! It's a secret!]. It is a large old rambling house of indeterminate architecture that has, on occasion, seemed to possess a life of its own. Rooms come and go in the House of Mystery [Speaking of Michelangelo, I presume.], and no room ever appears to be quite the same any two times one looks at it."

Powers & Weapons

"Cain possesses no true powers save for a slight malicious streak [I guess he wasn't killing his brother every time they'd have tea yet. That must have begun in Sandman. Otherwise "slight malicious streak" seems a bit understated.], a diabolical sense of humor [He tells racist jokes about devils and demons.], and an unnatural gift for storytelling [I guess it's so good it's scary?]. A sub-par hand-to-hand combatant [When an entry tells me the character's occupation is "caretaker", I'm not usually curious how good he is at physical combat. Although if he is the first murderer, at least you know he can swing a hoe like a thug.], Cain prefers to rely on his wits when confronted with physical violence [He also relies on the Mark of Cain on his forehead that curses anyone that tries to harm him.]."