Green Arrow #18

Why is this guy named after an island? Does he have super island powers?

This cover makes me laugh because Seattle is just fucking lazy. Over on the East Coast, Gotham is spilling out crazies left and right. Metropolis is churning out super villains in gigantic super-villain sausage links. Central City has a club of goofy looking misfits that keeps growing (and monkeys!). And way over here on the West Coast, Seattle has a jerk with a bow. But that's just enough evil power to match their hero: another jerk with a bow. At least the city doesn't take much damage when they battle. A few broken windows. A few dented cars. If Portland gets into the super hero business, our big villain will probably be a slap tagger, stickering the hell out of street signs and mail boxes. Of course if that's the case, we already have a huge problem with super villains!

Oliver Queen is still dying in that desert in Arizona. He almost succumbs to fatigue when a stupid memory with his stupid dad about stupidly not giving up saves his life. Goddammit, you dumb memory! Couldn't you have kept to yourself for another fifteen years? You had to go and ruin the best moment of The New 52 so far!

Three weeks earlier, some guy named Magus played the part of the stupid memory, saving Green Arrow just before Komodo put an arrow in his head. I wonder if that would have been ruled a suicide? Magus left a note for Green Arrow to head out to Black Mesa, Arizona, and to go by way of Emerson's bookshelf. But first he needs to call Steve Trevor (on a pay phone! Oh, Seattle! Do you keep them around for the irony factor?) and check in with the Justice League of America since that's now a thing he's into. He convinces Steve Trevor that he's not dead like he was at the end of Justice League of America #1 (what jerk saves him there?! So many chances to rid the DCnU of this guy in the last month and he's still alive!) and that he didn't shove Emerson out of a window. Trevor calms down and tells him he'll hold off sending the Justice League to help him out of this mess.

Way to emasculate him with the "big guns" comment, Steve. Even though the only member of your new team to carry a gun is your Green Lantern!

Meanwhile Komodo is busy with a meeting of uptight business men as they purchase up majority shares of Queen Industries in the wake of Oliver Queen supposedly murdering his business partner Emerson. Didn't we already read this story but in a more entertainingly badly written way? Big fucking deal! Queen has lost his business. Again! I think the most important part of this scene is when Komodo's daughter Emiko comes in and asks:

Aww! They're so cute and bloodthirsty at that age!

Before Ollie can get to Emerson's bookshelf, he makes a stop to recruit some guy named Henry Fyff that he had to fire from Queen Industries three years ago for being super smart. But now he needs him to stalk Naomi. Unless it was the other way around. I've had a migraine for about 24 hours now and I just can't concentrate anymore. Actually, the migraine finally went away with a few more hours of sleep on top of a lot more hours of sleep. But now I've got a sinus headache on the other side of my head! But at least that's manageable. It's pretty telling how awful a migraine can be when a sinus headache is good fucking news. I used to get migraines fairly regularly until about eight years ago when I took a part time, overnight job and was able to begin sleeping on my own terms and not those dictated by a forty hour job that insisted I be at work by nine in the morning. Now I own the business that I began working part time for eight years ago mainly because it allows me to live by my body's schedule and not a fabricated one based on the society I was born into. In the last eight years, I've probably had less than a dozen migraines whereas before that, twelve was easily a low count for a year.

So now that Jax and Naomi may be dead, Ollie recruits Henry Fyff to be his Weapons and Communications Expert. He immediately tells this new kid that Oliver Queen is Green Arrow! He might as well. If things don't work out, he can always have Katana kill this guy. Henry Fyff is smart enough to realize the footage of Oliver Queen pushing Emerson out of the office building window was doctored, so he agrees to join up with Green Arrow. I guess Lemire didn't want to have to use a couple of crappy characters created by J.T. Krul. Especially Naomi since she was always blaming video games and masturbation and comic books and candy and pornography on violence. Geez. I think I'd be a serial killer if all those things led to violence.

Actually, Naomi and Jax aren't dead! At least not yet! Komodo has them bound inside his office building because he needs their help to find Green Arrow.

Oh that traitorous shrew! I guess I would buy some time by agreeing to help Komodo and his daughter, Hit Girl Emiko, too.

With the help of Fyff, Green Arrow manages to find a way back into Queen Industries and discovers a secret world behind Emerson's bookshelf. Ancient weapons, maps, and photos all revealing that Emerson and Ollie's father, Robert, had a life of adventure that he never knew about. One picture of them shows them on the beach of the island where Ollie was stranded for over a year. There's also a third man in the photo of that beach that Ollie doesn't recognize. It's Komodo.

And then Magus teleports in to tell Green Arrow to get to Black Mesa or he's going to die at Komodo's hands. As opposed to dying of thirst in the desert of Black Mesa which is more preferable somehow.

Ooh! Ooh! I've heard of The Outsiders! Me! Me! They were like only my favorites ever as a kid! With Aparo's goofy looking people and Barr's jokey sense of humor! I need to reread those now that I'm done rereading Shade the Changing Man.

As Green Arrow is busy talking to The Magus, Komodo is busy telling the police that the vigilante that caused all kinds of extra paper work for you on Ocean Parade Day was busy rummaging through the Emerson crime scene. Green Arrow tries to get away sliding down the cable of his grapple arrow but Komodo shoots the line. The issue ends with Green Arrow falling to his death.

Green Arrow #18 Rating: No change. I kind of feel I should give Green Arrow a boost in the rankings since it's actually readable now. But the character has been tainted by all of the previous crap and I'm just not very interested in him now. Maybe that will change over time but when I find myself more concerned with Lemire nearly killing him because I know Ollie will survive rather than being filled with tension about how Ollie will get out of the predicament, I know my interest in Green Arrow (what little was ever there) has nearly vanished.

Earth 2 #10

I still hate Jay Garrick's outfit. But I do like Kendra's little blue vest that buttons on to her zip up jacket!

Issue Ten begins with the origin of Hawkgirl and Dr. Fate! No, wait. Premature exclamation. It begins two years ago with Kendra and Khalid being chased through an ancient Egyptian building. And then the next panel takes place fifty-nine minutes later after Kendra has had wings glued onto her back and Khalid is obsessing over his new helmet. Being that I can read ancient Egyptian hieroglyphics (basically because they're like comic books (shut up, I know they're actually just phonemes. Stop ruining my lie!)), let me translate the walls Kendra and Khalid are running past in the first panel.

At the top of the pillar, we see Titty Twister the Rabbit God forcing the Egyptians into a really long queue and forcing them to do the Bunny Hop. This happens at the marriage of Du-Rahn-Te and Buht, The Goddess of Rifles Sticking Out of People's Heads. The next scene is distorted from gunfire but it looks like Du-Rahn-Te and Buht are consummating their marriage with a few slaves thrown in because having sex with multiple partners and crocodiles and cats was just an every day part of Ancient Egyptian Culture. After that, Osiris's detachable penis shoots up through the ground either four times or Osiris's penis was four-pronged. Next, Ka-We the God of Chickadees came into the room and pooped in a hat box. Then above Kendra's elbow in the yellow oval, we can see a pair of pliers next to a Yu-gi-oh deck. Beneath those is a member of the Ku Klux Klan with his pet Loch Ness Monster being reprimanded by a nun standing on an electrified floor. Beneath that and the orange line is the first sentence of a story about the New God Orion and the time he telephoned a duck. Finally on the far wall to the right of Khalid we see a bong and the red sun as it appears at 4:20. Beneath that is Bullet Bill flying over the duck with his telephone and then the pliers and Mjolnir. These might be in some reference to a hallucination caused by the smoking of the bong because beneath that are a couple of anti-drug posters. Before the anti-drug posters, though, is a short commercial with a grandfather and his grandson in a boat discussing prejudice. Then the first anti-drug poster is the "This is your brain on drugs" egg. The second anti-drug message after that is an Above the Influence poster. And that's about it.

Judging by the winged figures, I guess this is the Temple of Horus where Kendra met Horus and was granted his powers. Perhaps the great Egyptian wizard Nabu was Horus's cat and so was buried further in the temple with his favorite helmet.

Back in the present, Wotan gives a short lecture about magic and how the grand wizard Nabu used it to bring order from chaos. So that's a nice little throwback to Dr. Fate's connection to the Lords of Order and Chaos. Jay Garrick doesn't really care about all of this bullshit. He just wants Wotan to send his mom home but Wotan is a bit of a didactic prick and a control freak, so he refuses. This causes Flash to attack but apparently casting spells is quicker than The Flash. Although I suspect The Flash could have gotten the drop on him if he just ran at Wotan instead of slowing down enough to spout off about Wotan "going down!"

Wotan specializes in JRPG spells.

When Khalid first put on the Helmet of Nabu, he was possessed by Nabu's spirit. Part of Nabu's magic secreted itself inside Khalid whether he had the helmet on or not. So Khalid was constantly hearing Nabu's voice. Khalid panicked and wished the Helmet away. Now it's in this limbo in The Tower of Fate and only he and Jay Garrick have the physical make-up to enter the tower and retrieve the helmet. Jay's mom is simply incentive for them to do the task since Wotan has no qualms about killing her. I guess it's time for 1st Level Magic User Khalid and 5th Level Speedster Jay to set off for high adventure in Module E-2, The Tower of Fate!

I think the yellow spheres are checkpoints.

Meanwhile Alan Scott is hanging out in China visiting the grave of his dead boyfriend Sam. Sam's father has met him there and has some mostly selfish and ambiguous words to say to Alan.

Oh fuck you, you oh-so-magnanimous bigot! This kind of thing pisses me off. He could tell Alan made his son happy but he couldn't fucking approve of their relationship? It's not your fucking life! Just because you don't find men sexually attractive doesn't mean you get to judge your son for doing so. It wasn't your life, asshole. Are we supposed to stand up and cheer for your words to Alan Scott here? Are we supposed to hug you and say, "Well, that's all that matters then! That you saw that they were happy! Forget how much Sam's heart probably hurt like hell every time you sneered or dropped an off-hand negative remark!" Fuck bigots and their tiny concessions.

Mr. Zhao does happen to pass on a bit of information to Alan that might prove useful. He discovered Sam was the target of the bombing but he doesn't know who was behind it or why. That information sends Green Lantern on a complete rampage through China's ganglands. When he doesn't discover anything, he heads back to find Hawkgirl and ask her for her help. Do I smell some JSA cooking?

And back to The Tower of Fate, Khalid and The Flash pass through all the checkpoints unmolested and finally make it to the big Boss Battle.

I hope they brought their cheat codes.

Earth 2 #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. My favorite part of this issue is how the cover shows Hawkgirl with The Flash and Khalid because Jay's mom isn't cover material.

Stormwatch #18

Apparently the Earth just isn't threatened enough because these kids have too much free time on their hands.

At this point you just have to ask: "Is Stormwatch really needed?" When was the last time they saved the world from something other than themselves? It may have been when The Engineer ate the Neanderthal Devolver and that was back in Issue Eleven. They may or may not have saved the world from Etrigan since then but that still falls into the category of fighting with themselves. I can't blame Stormwatch for all of the in-fighting. They're not the kind of team that stops burglaries or serial killers. They merely have to sit around and wait for an incipient extinction level event. When one of those isn't incipient, they just bicker out of sheer boredom. Technically I suppose you can blame this battle with the Engineer on the Hidden People (the Neanderthals!) since she is going nuts from having rammed their devolver up her ass. But I bet the devolver is like that lie that hypnotists tell all the time about how you'd never do anything under hypnotism that you wouldn't do while not hypnotized. Such a lie! What the fuck do you think Nationalism and Propaganda are for?! It's to hypnotize people to act in ways they wouldn't normally act otherwise!

By the way, Stormwatch is apparently recruiting. And rebooting.

Isn't Brother Eye going to be a bit pissed about this? Or is he too busy making plans with Batman to return the Flashpoint Universe back to the old universe. You know Batman has got to be a little bit upset that Detective Comics has been renumbered. And if anybody can return the DC Universe it's the Goddamned Batman and the not-quite-as-Goddamned Brother Eye. Or Ambush Bug. I'm pretty certain Ambush Bug could get it done. And probably Mr. Mxyzptlk. Maybe Bat-mite although Bat-mite has yet to appear in The New 52. But if he exists in any comic book reality, he also exists in The New 52 being what he is. So, yeah, Bat-mite could fix this shit.

So The Engineer dumps OMAC on Apollo, Midnighter, and Zealot in a story called "The Scream." I thought OMAC stories were supposed to be palindromes? I mean that other thing! Whatever the word "radar" is. Okay. Bad example. Whatever you call words like "scuba" and "sonar"! Except the reverse because the title is the words that make the acronym and not the acronym! Oh! Acronym! Good job, brain. So instead of "The Scream", this story should be called "OMAC Makes A Cake." Perhaps Peter Milligan is twisting the convention Giffen and DiDio were using and "The Scream" is an acronym itself! THe Engineer: She Could Really Emasculate Apollo and Midnighter.

In my dream world, that last paragraph would have been one long palindrome. I think this is the only palindrome I've ever come up with because I either haven't ever tried very hard or I just suck at them: "So, got Togo's?"

Before OMAC drops on everyone's head the way OMAC loves to do, Apollo begins to feel a little jealousy towards Zealot.

They're not helping.

Apollo is jealous not because Midnighter and Zealot seem to have a close, past relationship but because Apollo suddenly thinks Midnighter is into pussy. I guess it isn't a crazy assumption. Apollo and Midnighter haven't even had sex yet and Midnighter is a sociopath. It isn't totally out of the realm of possibility that Midnighter was just leading him on and fucking with him by pretending to want to fuck him but then not fucking him. But look on the bright side, Apollo! There's always OMAC! I know Kevin Kho is heterosexual but that doesn't mean the monster he turns into has to be. Look at Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk!

The Engineer uses OMAC's voice to tell the boys she wants to negotiate. So Apollo blasts OMAC in the face and yells, "Negotiate this, Engineer!" Not exactly Armistead Maupin.

Sure, Apollo, that's probably a better choice of author if you want your readers to understand your references.

OMAC blasts them through a teleporter door Engineer opened so that The Engineer can bring them aboard The Eye of the Storm so that they can defeat her. She really is arrogant, isn't she?

Or maybe not! Perhaps she's smarter than I thought because Apollo and Midnighter and Zealot and OMAC and Zealot's cool space chopper end up in some kind of Teleport Limbo where things really get serious. Like super serious. And highly dramatic!

I already pointed out why this is a fair question!

The Engineer's big floating Oz head appears to offer the boys a deal: choose to let The Engineer alter their brains so she has control over them or die. Okay, I've returned to the opinion that she is indeed arrogant. And possibly stupid. She may think she's hyper-evolved but I'm pretty sure she's hypo-evolved. I don't know if that makes sense in the context of words and what they mean but I'm going to just leave it there anyway.

Surprisingly, Midnighter and Apollo choose to die. That was an example of incorrectly using the word "surprisingly." But before the dying happens, the fighting and the arguing about who is and who isn't gay takes place!

Meanwhile, lobotomized Harry Tanner has been left to his own devices since The Engineer thinks he's completely under her control now. And while he is to the extent that he can't bring himself to stab her in the back, he's free enough to bring Jenny Quantum around so that she can save the day. He knocks some stray quarks into her brain and she wakes up screaming. Oh! The Scream from the title!

Jenny's scream blows up The Eye of the Storm and sends everybody plummeting back to Earth. Or maybe they were just blasted through the still open teleport door since they end up in the same alley where they were abducted. But this time they've got company in the corpse of The Engineer.

I'm sure The Engineer will eventually pull herself together.

I like this version of Zealot a trajillion times better than Liefeld's version. Although that would mean I don't like her at all since when you multiply by zero, you still get zero. So I like this version of Zealot a trajillion additional likes more than the amount of likes I had for Liefeld's version. I'm sure that's not surprising to anybody that's a fan of story telling and literature though. Liefeld doesn't write characters. He puts speech bubbles on mouths on the faces of interchangeable people in different costumes.

Speaking of Liefeld, people seem to defend him by pointing out that the haters all hate him for the same reasons and are just jumping on the "hate Liefeld" bandwagon as if there were no merit to hating his writing and art. But in my commentaries on his work, I've pointed out again and again, panel by panel, his faults and failings. But I've never seen anybody go through his work and point out what is good about it (Level of Difficulty: no blanket statements about his level of energy in his drawings. Especially when everybody looks like a fucking Barbie or Ken inaction doll). Somebody accept this fucking challenge and actually defend one piece of Liefeld's work, page by page, story and art. I claim it cannot be done without severely crippling a person's honesty and integrity! Hell, even I praised him once for one of his themes in Hawk and Dove when he took over the writing although I'm beginning to think I read too much into it and it was simply a happy accident.

"Maybe" this is just the beginning? Just go fuck already!

Stormwatch #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed getting to know another Wildstorm character written by a competent writer. And since this chapter of the story was framed around Apollo and Midnighter, it was nice to see them finally just get down to kissing. But since it was about Midnighter and Apollo, we're left to wonder what happened to Jenny Quantum and if Jack Hawksmoor is dying in the jungle or he happened to stumble upon the ruins of an ancient civilization with enough juice to keep him alive. The Projectionist and Harry Tanner I don't really care much about. And obviously The Engineer's nanos are already getting to work on bringing her back online.

"The End" bit made me nervous and sad so I looked up Stormwatch #19 to find that Peter Milligan's name has been replaced by Jim Starlin. Is Milligan just leaving DC? He's off Red Lanterns soon too, isn't he? Sad face.

Batwing #18

Come on! I'm not done mourning Robin yet!

If David Zavimbe is killed, am I just supposed to accept the next Batwing because of the stupid super hero name? There's nothing about the character of Batwing that makes a Batwing comic book worth reading. But the character of David Zavimbe makes the book interesting. Well, somewhat interesting. I've still never been completely sold on this book. Maybe a new person and new writers are what is needed! I hope Dawn has another inexplicable change of heart and decides fighting for good is actually what she wants to do and she becomes the next Batwing. But she has that sword creating super power and I'm not sure if people in the Bat-family are allowed to have super powers.

This issue begins with Sky Pirate's ugly ass spaceship, The Flying Dutch Oven, blowing the shit out of Matu's house which is also Batwing's Haven. Matu is inside Haven but I think he'll survive long enough to have a few last words with Batwing.

Sky Pirate was hired by some rich white bastard to kill Batwing because Batwing didn't play by the rules. Sure, he played by the normal rules. The rules I'm talking about are the ones where if somebody has enough money, they don't have to play by the rules. It's the not allowing someone to not play by the rules rule that Batwing wasn't playing by. So he deserved to die. So the guy hired The Sky Pirate.

Looking at Sky Pirate's spaceship which is the size of a small city, I can't even begin to imagine how much money it costs to hire that guy. He must charge a large fortune simply to pay for the ship's fuel and the salaries of the ship's crew and the munitions and the parking fees and the bribes to all the law enforcement and military so that they continue to pretend they don't see this gigantic spaceship shooting the shit out of civilian houses. I would think just paying ten thousand people with guns to shoot at Batwing next time he appeared in the sky would be cheaper.

Sky Pirate isn't much for subtlety. Or research. Since this Matu guy was linked to the Batwing technology Sky Pirate recovered, it must mean Matu was Batwing. Duh! Now pay up!

David ends up in the hospital to find Matu on the edge of death from burns. The Haven is a complete loss which means all of Batwing's technology is destroyed. Hopefully he had the Batman Incorporated Credit Card on his person at the time of the explosion. He must have an emergency Batwing suit somewhere, right? Batman has two or three dozen hidden all over Gotham. Probably.

Meanwhile, Dawn learns why being a mercenary is a stupid idea. Not only does it completely go against the character Judd Winick developed, but it also tends to get a person killed. Instead of getting paid, Marksbury tries to have her killed so that nobody will know where his son is. But he fucks it up and she gets away. Hopefully the first place she'll head is to where Marksubry's son is and beat the fuck out of him.

On his near-death bed, Matu says one thing: Children's Harbor. It's the school for Wayward and Deadly Youths that Matu and Rene created. It's where Dawn and David grew up. And it's where David eventually finds a pod Matu launched out of Haven filled with an emergency Batwing suit!

This suit doesn't make him look fat. It makes him look distorted.

Batwing #18 Rating: -1 Ranking. This issue was simply boring. I guess Fabian's entire run was to simply make Batwing turn away from his refusal to kill and wade back into the war he knew growing up. And since Batman wouldn't approve, I have a feeling Batwing has just quit Batman Incorporated. I still have to wonder how a mercenary like Sky Pirate gets his hands on a ship that dwarfs Jason Todd's ship he stole from Crux.

Worlds' Finest #10

Do I have to start dealing with the reality of Damian's death now?

After Holt Industries sent a bunch of mercenaries to steal back the technology that Power Girl stole from them, Power Girl goes on a rampage destroying a bunch of Holt Industry labs, factories, and research facilities to get even with them for trying to rob her after she robbed them. It all makes sense if you're an arrogant asshole.

Power Girl is like the guy who bumps into another guy on purpose in the hopes that the other guy says something so the first guy feels justified in busting the second guy in the chops. Although she's more like somebody who stole something from someone and then when they try to get their property back, she sues them for harassment on Judge Judy.

Power Girl is trying to make the devastation look like natural disasters. So she somehow creates a lightning storm (or lightening storm for anyone that has learned to spell from the internet) to destroy (or destory) one building and then (or than) she completely goes rogue (or rouge) and loses (or looses) control. Power Girl decides she'll demolish the next building with an earthquake. But that causes a few other minor problems.

To be fair, who would think an earthquake would be such a big problem?

The Huntress decides to take the stealthy approach and breaks into Holt's Los Angeles Headquarters home where he had his main office before he disappeared. His office is still as he left it and it's still guarded by his balls.

After she grabs his balls, she checks under his kimono but doesn't find anything else.

It seems odd that Michael Holt would use Mister Terrific's T-Balls as home security. That would be like Bruce Wayne chucking Batarangs at burglars or Clark Kent punching the head off of an attacker. Why do these fucking heroes care about secret identities when they do everything in their power to expose themselves? And nothing says "exposing yourself" like showing a thief your balls! Sorry. I already made a Michael Holt's balls joke. I should try to raise my standards on this blog.

And then Power Girl calls The Huntress up to tell her that Grant Morrison fucked up their future story plans with Damian. Time to go visit the cemetery (or cemetary (or sematary))!

Karen leaves Helena to mourn alone. Well, to mourn without Power Girl around. You're never alone when you're in Gotham and you're a strange person wearing a strange uniform and you're kneeling over the Batman's son's grave! What I'm trying to say is Batman shows up! But The Huntress is not ready to meet her Second Daddy, so she whistles for a quick rescue from Power Girl.

Now Batman is going to think Damian was dating college women.

While the police investigate the break-in at Holt's house, Aleeka (Holt's assistant with the super smart son that Mr. Terrific was totally jealous of) shows up to tell them to get the fuck out. But they don't accept her authority. They'll only listen to Robot Michael Holt so it's a good thing he shows up to tell them they're not needed. I wonder if Robot Michael Holt is the third smartest robot in the world?

While Power Girl and The Huntress fly home from Gotham, The Huntress decides to ask Power Girl a question.

See, Michael Holt? Your fucking security sold you out. Third smartest person in the world my ass.

Worlds' Finest #10 Rating: No change. Everything in this comic is still status quo. Nothing to see here. Either you like it or you don't. Either you're right or you're wrong. Either you love freedom or you hate America or any of those other dozens and dozens of free countries that don't go around measuring the size of their freedom dong. Either you love kittens or you're a serial cow rapist. You might be thinking, "Hey! I don't love kittens nor do I rape cows serially! There must be other choices!" Nope. You're wrong. These are all either/or statements. How else does the world function if it isn't programmed with either/or statements? And the way they work is if the first statement is false then the second statement must be true. So get to loving kittens, you bovine butt burglar!

Against my better judgment, I'm going to read Channel 52 and be inundated with spoilers! That's how much I love Ambush Bug! I'll even read him when he's just a shill for DC spoiling the plots of future comic books to trump up sales. Here's some non-spoilery panels from Channel 52.

Yes, I write in my fucking comic books.

Superman #17

Hooray! Three cheers for the conclusion of H'el on Earth!

The only problem with H'el on Earth ending is that Scott Lobdell will be starting a new story directly after it!

I hope this Oracle character is super interesting and makes the whole thing worth it. I can't wait to hear what sage wisdom and sugary advice it gives our heroes! Let's dive right in, shall we?

Scott Lobdell begins with an omniscient narrator instead of having a character narrate like he usually does. Perhaps Oracle himself is narrating! Or herself. Or itself. I don't think it had any distinguishing primary or secondary sexual characteristics. The narration is about Superman since he was just flung into space by H'el and was caught by Oracle. But what is Oracle, Narrator?

Aha! That's what Oracle is! He appears when a person fucks with time and says, "Shame! Shaaaaaame!" Except he must have only come into existence due to The Flash fucking with time in Flashpoint since The Oracle didn't appear to The Flash and say, "Shame. Shaaaaaaame!"

The Oracle speaks to Superman in the most confusing way possible: by showing him images of the past and the maybe past and the shouldn't be past. I think it shows Superman in Kryptonian Garb arguing with Normal Looking H'el and maybe Superman in Kryptonian Garb sucking face with his mother. Except I'm probably wrong about all of that because I'm just as confused as Superman!

I hope that wasn't the last we'll see of Oracle! He deserves his own title! It can simply be composed of twenty pages of various panels from DC's Preboot comic books.

Superman shrugs his shoulders because he needs to get back to Earth and stop H'el. Although Superman suddenly doesn't want to stop H'el! I mean, he wants to save the lives of everyone on Earth. But he's suddenly sympathetic to H'el's cause to save Krypton. What a fool! Didn't he learn anything about mucking with time from Superman the Movie? Oh, yeah. I guess he did learn something: go for it because it always works out in the end and doesn't cause anybody any harm.

Batman and the others tell Superman to go save the planet because they're pretty much useless in situations like this. They're just going to sit around the Watchtower pushing buttons and reading monitors and hoping they don't suddenly cease to exist. And while they fiddle about waiting for the end of the world, the Narrator decides to fill the readers in on H'el's plan (just in case they've forgotten after the multiple reminders in every issue of H'el on Earth).

Really? The "imminent" destruction of Krypton? I guess if you have a time machine, everything is imminent! At least Lobdell got the "arctic" part of the story correct. Perhaps the elementary school website I linked to long ago helped him sort out the differences between the Arctic and the Antarctic. Man! I should have quizzed him about that when I met him at the Portland Comic Con!

With Wonder Woman's girl-on-girl advice, Supergirl has finally realized that H'el's sexy shaved upper pubic area is no consolation for his lying, murderous, insane ways! She's decided to help Superboy and Wonder Woman shut down his time travel project.

Speaking of Time Travel, Primer is once again available on Netflix. Anybody reading this that has Netflix, I highly recommend the movie Primer. Good, good time travel stuff.

Superboy is able to destroy H'el's Star Fuel Machine with his Tactile Telekinesis which he finally has the use of again because H'el ripped off the Super Suit that was keeping him from using it. But not in time! Because H'el has a time machine! He can use it to go back in time and stop Superboy from destroying the Star Fuel Machine! Oh, but he doesn't need to. His time machine is all fueled up and ready to go. Now he's just waiting for the navigation system to align with the proper chronus-portal and he'll be off to Krypton, leaving a gaping hole in our solar system and destroying it.

Superman finally comes charging in from space to begin pummeling H'el. What he should be doing is pummeling H'el's time machine because we've seen what happens when Superman goes toe to toe with H'el! Superman can't match all of H'el's amazing powers that really make no sense if he's merely another Kryptonian. He must be something else since he has super teleporting breath and super DNA unraveling vision and super duper super strength. Maybe if Superboy isn't feeling too sick from trying to keep his DNA inside himself, he'll remember to destroy H'el's time machine now that he's destroyed the time machine's fuel source too late.

I wonder where Oracle went?

"Making this up as I go along." We know, Lobdell, we know. I mean Superboy!

The next minor thing that happens is purely idiotic and unnecessary but I think Lobdell just can't help himself at this point.

Oh look! H'el planned it all right down to this moment! Because that's all he's been doing is planning! The revelation isn't even needed. It just makes this moment worse. How about H'el just built a hardy ship that's majorly resistant to physical trauma? That's easy to accept because it only means he took care against Superman trying to stop him. But I think this is Lobdell's way to show why these idiot heroes haven't just smashed the shit out of his ship. Because H'el planned the diversion! Or something. Whatever. Fuck you, Harvest. I mean H'el.

H'el punches Superman off of him and Superboy exclaims he's never seen anything hit that hard in his life. Since Superman only flies a few dozen feet, I guess Superboy didn't see when H'el punched Superman into space.

With that amazing punch that Superman barely felt, H'el gets away and is about to enter his Time Machine when Kara asks him to forgive her and take her with him. Oh baby! How can anybody say no to that sweet face and the Kryptonite you're hiding in your underwear? Come on board!

Oh snap! Didn't plan for that, did you bitch?!

H'el drips blood that burns like acid and reveals that he was keeping the portals open psionically which is why he needed Superboy to free the ship from the Fueling Station. But what does that reveal about H'el? There's no way he's a Kryptonian! Perhaps he was a biological experiment created by Jor-el? Wounded although most likely not mortally, H'el falls backwards through one of the chronus-portals never to be heard from again! Well, as long as Scott Lobdell doesn't keep writing Superman. If Lobdell is still writing Superman around this time next year, I figure H'el will be back around then.

And then I get to have one of those rare moments where I scan in a scene by Lobdell that I really like! Enjoy this rare moment!

Such a well-written scene!

No, no. Just kidding! Although I should have saved that shot for the "THE END OF H'EL ON EARTH" Supergirl Bum Shot! Here's the real scene:

That'll happen when you hide Kryptonite in your hoo-ha.

Afterward, The Oracle wishes it could cheer because Superman didn't do anything Superman wasn't supposed to do anyway and has always done no matter how many times The Oracle experiences it. Except apparently time has changed because Lobdell says, "The past has been changed" in the teaser box for next issue. Also because H'el did make it back to Krypton with the Kryptonite stuck in his chest and without his time machine space ship.

So basically H'el spent all those years planning a plan that he didn't even need? He didn't need to suck up our solar system's energy to fuel his ship to travel back in time and through space. He simply had to open a chronus-portal and jump the fuck through all by himself. Fuck, he's an idiot.

Superman #17 Rating: Let's do some math to figure out how I'll change the Ranking! I'll give it a +1 for the Supergirl stabbing H'el in the chest with the Kryptonite. And I'll give it another +1 for the homage to Crisis on Infinite Earths! It'll get another +1 for the leaving it up to her baby cousin line! That's +3 Rankings so far! But it'll get a -1 for the stupid ass build up to the Oracle that fucking did nothing. It gets a -1 for the stupid ass plan by H'el which completely failed and yet still delivered him to Krypton. It gets a -1 for stupid ass time travel post Flashpoint. So now it's even! Oh! It gets a -1 for Batman feeling Superman punch H'el all the way up in the satellite and Batman NOT KNOWING WHAT IT WAS! Are you trying to make Batman look stupid, Mr. Lobdell?! So that means Superman gets a -1 Ranking this month! And that's simply because I'm being fucking kind. How dare you pull that Oracle shit, Mr. Lobdell. How. Fucking. Dare. You. Build up this bullshit character for months and then have it do absolutely nothing except make Superman think, "Great. Real helpful, that."

Fuck you.

Red Lanterns #17

Krona Unleashed!

Atrocitus has traveled to the original planet of the Guardians of the Universe, Maltus. He's stumbled upon the ghost of Krona or the holographic projection of Krona or the time trapped brainwaves of Krona or some being doing a Krona Puppet Show. Somehow and someway, Atrocitus is going to speak with Krona and maybe find out some secrets about Volthoom, The First Lantern.

Oh yeah! Duh! Electric echo!

Krona's electric echo tells Atrocitus why they should be best friends forever or at least until the electrical echo degrades. Why wouldn't they be friends? They both have so much in common! They both had wives (Krona more than Atrocitus). They both had children! They both had their families wiped out by monsters! Sure, Krona was the monster that wiped out Atrocitus's family, but come on! Let bygones be bygones! That was a long time ago before Krona had become an electric echo living inside a sphincter television set. Living conditions like that change a guy!

Atrocitus is too angry to listen to the secrets I'm sure Krona was about to tell him even as Atrocitus walks away feeling pity for Krona. I think Atrocitus needs a tune-up to his hot lava blood. He just doesn't rage as much as the leader of the Red Lantern Corps should rage.

Atrocitus digs into the center of Maltus to find what he came to find: The Great Heart. I have no idea what that is. I mean, I see what it is on a big double splash page. It's a big glowing ball thing on top of a big tower in a buried city. But I have no idea why the Guardians of the Universe have something called The Great Heart and why it was abandoned on their ancient homeworld.

While Atrocitus is examining the Great Heart, Krona meets a new possible best friend forever.

I want to learn more about these Electric Echoes and the Sphincter Holes. Is this the Guardians' Afterlife?

Meanwhile on Earth, Rankorr is still trying to be human. Now he's using his construct power to try to disguise himself as the human he once was. This boy needs to let go already.

As Atrocitus nears the Great Heart, he meets some new robot friends. They guard the Great Heart which is the receptacle for all of the Guardians' emotions. But those with emotions are not allowed to approach it. The robots can help drain a person of their emotions if the person accepts. So Atrocitus considers it as his Squadron of Manhunters are free to pass. That seems like a flaw in security. Just because someone is emotionless, it doesn't mean they won't vandalize your Great Heart! Robots don't have emotions but they can be programmed to smash shit, right?

The Great Heart is leaking emotions all over the place which is why Atrocitus is displaying other emotions besides rage. But his Manhunters tessellate all over the Great Heart so that it stops affecting Atrocitus and he can get back to Plan A: Get mad and barf on stuff.

Apparently Cats and Red Lanterns have the same modus operandi.

Atrocitus destroys his new robot pals and is about to head off and give the emotions back to the Guardians when Volthoom appears. I don't know what Atrocitus is going to do with the emotion-filled Great Heart now that the Third Army is dead. Maybe he can feed it to the Inversions. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Next issue, Atrocitus is going to have to take a walk down memory lane with Volthoom.

Red Lanterns #17 Rating: No change. I have a feeling this Great Heart thing has been dealt with before in the Preboot. But what about the Electric Echoes and the Sphincter Televisions that make up what is seemingly The Guardians' afterlife? Is that new?