Justice League America Annual #5 (1991)

Guy Gardner looks like if Burgess Meredith, as an old man, was one of the Little Rascals.

Jesus Christ that caption! I'm sorry for every time I complained about your super fucking old references, Giffen and DeMatteis!

Based on Max Lord being hooked up to oxygen on this cover, and being that I'm as smart as Sherlock Holmes, I'm guessing this Annual took place during "Breakdowns." I'm reading it after finishing "Breakdowns" because I've been averse to re-reading the Annuals and the Quarterlies. They just contain too many pages! Plus this should really be read with all the other Armageddon books. I have Past Me to thank for none of the big event books ever being stored together. They're just scattered all over, some with the series they belong with and others just in random places because I never read the series they go with in the first place. I hate that I bought into this shit every summer! It was so expensive! Two whole dollars for this book! Outrageous!

I'm pretending I can see the faces of the younger generation right now who pay sometimes up to six whole dollars per book. That's not outrageous. That's fucking criminal. You can be reading a whole damn used book for that price! Sure, it doesn't have all the pretty pictures but you get way more value out of it. People always like to compare modern prices with prices from the past by running them through some sort of inflation calculator but let me tell you: no matter what an inflation calculator says $2.00 from 1992 is worth now in 2023, it was still way easier to buy a $2.00 comic than a $6.00 comic. Plus there were more pages: twenty-four versus the twenty you get now. Unless you get less? I have no idea. During The New 52, each comic was 20 pages which pissed me off at first. But then when I realized I had to write about every single one of them, I was glad for the lighter load of work.

If I remember Armageddon 2001 correctly (and I suspect I don't, memory being what it is and LSD doing what it does), the story was that some evil despot named Monarch was going to take over the world and murder all of the other heroes by 2001. That despot was an unknown superhero from 1991. A being named Waverider came back in time ten years to ferret out who the culprit would be and to stop them before they turned villainous. I won't spoil who Monarch turned out to be here because Waverider won't find him in this group of heroes. But it was Captain Atom. Just kidding! It was actually somebody else. Just kidding again! It was definitely Captain Atom except DC changed it part way through the story because all of the fans were casually discussing how Monarch was obviously Captain Atom. So I was kidding?

Anyway, how Waverider would discover who was probably Monarch was to divine their futures. But he was only divining possible futures so it wasn't really that effective. What it was effective for was creating a whole bunch of Elseworlds stories and What-Ifs! So much fun! Let's see what Waverider learned about these chowderheads.

Dramatic ironically, Waverider takes the form of Captain Atom so he can touch all the other heroes without raising their suspicions. No wait. It would only be "dramatic irony" if everybody reading the comic already knew Captain Atom was Monarch but nobody in the comic book did. Oh wait! It was dramatic irony because everybody reading this comic book had already figured out Captain Atom was Monarch! Unless the dramatic irony only rears its dramatic head now in 2023 as I read this knowing that Captain Atom didn't become Monarch which means I knew something the audience at the time thought they knew but ultimately did not (because DC editors cheated).

I'm confused. Let's just see what happens when Waverider touches J'onn J'onzz. Not like that, you pervs. They just shake hands!

In 2001, Martian Manhunter has become a guru high up in the Himalayas where he doles out wisdom to those who sacrifice everything in the attempt to reach him. One man, in Waverider's vision, ascends to the temple and asks J'onn the meaning of life.

I buy it.

J'onn obviously isn't Monarch and nobody would have expected him to be anyway. He's pretty much the only decent hero on Earth, aside from maybe Wonder Woman and Halo.

The next member of the League Waverider comes in contact with is Guy Gardner. Now there's a good candidate for Monarch! He's angry and filled with issues that he never confronts. Surely some day all of his trauma that he keeps bottle up inside will explode outward and he'll become an inhuman monster. Or more of an inhuman monster, I mean.

Guy's a girl?

That isn't really Guy, just a member of his cult. But it could have been Guy if Waverider missed the mark by 1000 years and was seeing the year 3001!

Guy's a girl!

In 2001, Guy has thousands of followers who all act like him and get their hair cut like him. He also loves fucking women who look just like him. Hey, I get that! I always knew Guy and I had a lot in common! At the big Guy Gardner rally (whose purpose isn't expressed. I guess to feed Guy's ego?), he's hit in the head with a sandbag from the rafters, cut by some mysterious person! This obviously turns him into Nice Guy Guy Gardner who his fans despise. His downfall is swift and I assume he's killed at the rally. So it must have been Monarch who cut the sandbag.

Waverider touches Blue Beetle next. Instead of seeing nothing at all since Blue Beetle has been murdered by Maxwell Lord by 2001, he sees a fat, balding Blue Beetle sitting in a tiny apartment watching television. As if Blue Beetle could ever be Monarch! He doesn't even have any super powers! How is he going to kill all the other heroes? I mean, Batman doesn't have any powers either and I wouldn't assume Batman couldn't be Monarch. But then I respect Batman.

I never thought I had what it takes to be a super hero until reading this panel.

Blue Beetle's life has gone to shit. He lost the rights to his own super hero name, tried to become the Stupendous Silverfish, and was laughed at by criminals due to his stupid costume and his flab. Bold call in 1992 by Keith and J.M. to know you could still laugh at fat people in ten years time. They probably assumed that would never change having spent their entire lives immersed in American pop culture where anytime a fat character was on screen, they were double fisting high calorie snacks and had chocolate smeared on their faces. Ha ha! What a great joke! What a time to be alive!

After realizing Beetle becomes too much of a loser to be Monarch, he moves over and touches Ice's inner thigh. Isn't Waverider worried that this inappropriate touch could be what sets everything in motion for Captain Atom to become Monarch?! He should be more careful! By the time he touches Captain Atom, he's going to see how his life fell apart when Ice sued him for sexual harassment and then Sue Dibny arranges to kill herself by having Jean Loring stomp all over her brain so that nobody finds out she's dying of cancer after fucking Captain Atom but that plan falls apart too because Waverider messed with the timeline! People say even the flapping of the wings of a butterfly can create a hurricane so why can't touching the inner thigh of an ice goddess bring about the destruction of every DC hero?

In 2001, Ice is living alone in a small cottage with a dozen cats. So she made it! She's living the dream! The only problem is she hears about Guy's accident and how he was struck on the head. She rushes out to find him, knowing he'll be sweet and kind and asexual Guy Gardner. Why she loves that one, I can't fucking guess.

I wish this were a scene between Batman and Superman.

Waverider's vision is broken because Ice reacts to his forwardness.

Oh, I know what you felt! The same thing I feel when I get a boner!

Darn. Waverider probably learned he shouldn't touch the heroes so close to their no-no zones. That's too bad because I was hoping he was going to read Bea's future via contact with the inside of her butthole! Finger or tongue. Hell, I'd take a toe even!

Waverider approaches Fire next thinking about how beautiful she is and how that translates to her being the hero he most admired. Sounds like it's butthole exploration time!

Fire touches Waverider's chest and he sees her future. She's at Tora and Guy's wedding with her date, Oberon. Oberon asks her to marry him just as Ted Kord comes barging into the church to kick Bea's ass. It was her company who bought the rights to Blue Beetle and sued him to keep from using the name. He's so angry that he just might be Monarch! Except he's still just a powerless loser so nobody reading this comic book was thinking anything other than, "Monarch is Captain Atom. I fucking know it. All the clues point directly at him!"

Booster Gold arrives and Waverider reads his future next. But he shoots way past 2001 and reads Booster's future when he returned to the 25th century (or whatever time he's from) after he lost everything going into business with Ted. But while looking at all the displays in the super hero museum's 20th Century exhibit, he realizes something terrible happens to Blue Beetle in 2001. It's not revealed because Keith and J.M. want the readers to think Ted might be Monarch but instead of thinking that, we're all thinking, "I wonder if Ice and Fire every kiss while naked?"

Booster decides he has to go back in time to save Ted and realizes only Maxwell Lord can help him. Oh man! Maybe he read how Maxwell Lord shoots Blue Beetle in the face!

Sorry, no scans for Booster's future. We've got to move along quickly here! Chop chop!

Scott Free, Mister Miracle, is next although does anybody really care about that? He's retiring and passing on the mantle in 1991. Shouldn't Waverider be touching his protégé, Shilo Norman? Maybe it doesn't matter since Shilo Norman and half a dozen other Mister Miracles appear in Waverider's vision. Maybe because Waverider's abilities causes him to focus on the hero that is most likely to become Monarch, Scott's future vision is mostly about Blue Beetle and the trouble he's causing. He's been arrested for attacking Fire at Ice's wedding and now everybody thinks they're responsible for rescuing him. Sure would have been nice if they thought about rescuing their friend when he was down on his luck, lonely, and depressed.

Next up is General Glory. Why? Won't his alias, Joe Jones, be dead in ten years?

Well, he's ready to die but stupid Max convinces him to become General Glory again.

The General Glory vision becomes a Justice League vision as it's mostly about Maxwell Lord getting the Justice League back together and working for the United Nations again. The new team consists of General Glory as the leader and his sidekicks Guy Gardner, Ice, Aquaman, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, and two women I don't recognize. Beetle is still fat but I guess he didn't become Monarch or kill himself? Whatever was happening with him, I guess Booster Gold, Mister Miracle, Oberon, and Big Barda saved him.

Oh wait! There's one vision left: Maxwell Lord! This vision fills in the gaps of the effort to save Blue Beetle. Booster talks Max into mind controlling Bea to drop the charges and then he figures he might as well force her to hand over part of her business and then he decides to convince General Glory to lead the new JLA and then he almost certainly uses his power to get all of the new members to cut their hair like Guy Gardner. What I'm saying is that Waverider learned Maxwell Lord is still a controlling jerk ten years later.

The next chapter in Armageddon 2001 takes place in the Hawk and Dove Annual but I won't spoil what Waverider discovers there. I mean, he discovers nothing because Hawk isn't Monarch at all. At least not yet!

Justice League America Annual #5 Rating: I don't rate these things! The thing I find most interesting about this Annual is how Booster Gold never mentions what Blue Beetle is going to do if Maxwell Lord doesn't help him out. It shines an interesting light on what eventually became DC continuity. What if Blue Beetle was going to do something even worse than become Monarch? What if Booster Gold knew Beetle needed to be stopped by any means necessary? And what if minor things can change in continuity but major things are much harder to change. So at some point in the future, Maxwell Lord learns he must stop Blue Beetle but many other events have transpired and he can't get General Glory back. Fire isn't running a corporation that bankrupted Beetle. Ice and Guy aren't married. What if the only resource at Lord's disposal was a gun? And Beetle absolutely had to be stopped? Maybe Max Lord teamed up with Brother Eye not to become all-powerful and a Monarch of his own sorts. Maybe it was all a ploy to kill Blue Beetle before he does the horrible thing Booster Gold saw he would do! I'm pretty sure that's what happened and Max Lord saved everybody by being a huge manipulative fascist dick!

Justice League America #60 (March 1992)

Due to the coloring error, I thought Blue Beetle and Fire were holding hands.

It took Giffen and DeMatteis five years to get to this point in the series. It took me three and a half years to review them. I should probably speed this shit up. I've got so many comic book boxes to get through! Maybe, just maybe, I should stop reading comic books from my youth and actually live my adult life? Unless I am living my adult life and that's why it's taken me so long to write all of these reviews? I don't really know what's happening! It was so much easier when I was in college watching Red Dwarf on Sunday nights and feeling nostalgic about high school crushes while watching Sailor Moon and going to the local comic book store to play Magic the Gathering on Wednesday nights!

I just realized I could still be living my life that way! I think I just had a huge breakthrough!

This issue is called "Swan Song" because this is the final issue by Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. Oh, that's kind of what the phrase "swan song" means: a final performance before death or quitting a comic book run of five years. It's also probably called "Swan Song" because it's the end of a version of Justice League America without Superman. They tried it and it was just as abysmal and weak as everybody knew it would be. You could argue that Martian Manhunter is more powerful than Superman (although with a greater weakness (Oreos! I mean fire!)) but then I'd argue back by saying, "Are you a fucking donkey lover? I think you might be a donkey lover! What a stupid opinion!" That argument might not win in court and it might not prove that Superman was stronger but it would satisfy me and a lot of people would start asking questions about how many donkeys you've fucked.

The issue begins with Max's lover lying in bed almost showing her vagina.

I wish this were vertically lenticulated so you could tilt it and see what's going on under that blanket!

I'm just kidding! I don't actually get horny looking at cartoon images! I just like to pretend I do! Like how I pretend I want to get Erin Esurance naked and rub auto collision claims all over her her body! That's just one of my running jokes that isn't true at all and also you should know lying about it on the Internet isn't breaking my parole no matter how often my parole officer sighs when she hears me talk about how I don't actually want to do Erin Esurance.

Wanda and Max have a discussion about how he wasn't in bed when she thought he was in bed. During the climax of this scintillating dialogue, Max reveals that he's lost his Firestarter powers. I don't mean the power to start fires! I mean the other power from that book where a person "pushes" somebody else to do something with their mind and then their nose bleeds. So instead of celebrating by licking Wanda's butthole, he goes for a walk in the dark where he's harassed by a nosey cop. He's okay though because he's a white man in a suit. Cops know if they shoot a white guy in a suit they might actually have to face consequences.

Back at the Justice League Cave, Martian Manhunter tells Catherine he quits and Catherine's eye slides off the side of her head.

"Oh come on, Tess! It's not that bad!" "You got something to say to me, Donkey Lover?"

General Glory comes along to try to cheer up Catherine by mentioning how much he loved Al Jolson when the General was a kid. Catherine interrupts him before he can say what he loved about Al Jolson's act specifically which is probably a good thing. Although we all know General Glory, being a seventy or eighty year old American in 1992, probably had some pretty sketchy ideas about society. Hopefully that's not why Guy likes him so much!

J'onn goes off to make sure Max Lord doesn't leave the League because readers are going to need a few familiar threads linking this issue with the next one. Max acts reticent at first but who does he think he's kidding? Not the readers and certainly not the Martian telepath. He'll still be the leader even if he's only able to convince Blue Beetle and Guy Gardner to stick around.

Meanwhile Blue Jay looks at a photo of Silver Sorceress, Wandjina, and himself and cries. Not like you expect a Blue Jay to cry where it's all, "Rawk! Rawk! Rawk! Rawk! Rawk!", and it won't shut up because your cat keeps looking at it and then it starts dive bombing your cat because Blue Jays can be angry little jerks. He cries like a big human baby cries when people they've loved have died tragically.

Might get what? A boner?

Oh right! Silver Sorceress just died. Sue is asking if Ralph ever thinks he might be killed during battle. Ralph answers, "Yeah, I think about it a lot," which, coincidentally, is how often I think about him dying in battle too!

Guy Gardner and Power Girl argue over who will become team leader because they don't realize Superman will be team leader. Unless Batman is always the team leader. Sometimes he's Shadow Team Leader and pretends he isn't on the team. But he's always watching, just in case! At one point during the fight, Guy says Power Girl has an "oversized butt" and he means it as an insult and it might be the first time I've ever lost a tiny bit of respect for him. He's lucky Ice didn't hear that comment because her butt is pretty juicy too! Mmm, Ice's juicy butt.

Metamorpho and Rocket Red discuss fatherhood while Blue Beetle engages in a fascinating talk with Rocket Red's daughter Tanya.

Why is it cute when a six year old asks this but I keep getting punched in the nose?

I bet Blue Beetle wishes he owned a goat right about now! That's because goats love knocking children on their asses and, being a goat, they can get away with it. If Blue Beetle were to shove Tanya on her ass, he'd get arrested. But if you own a goat and the goat does it for you, it's just funny! And if you get it on video, you could win $10,000! Or you used to be able to win $10,000. Does America's Funniest Home Videos still exist? I can't remember the last time I watched actual network television.

Fire flies around New York contemplating the meaning of being a superhero. She discovers it when a bunch of guys catcall her from the ground. Actually, they praise her and the Justice League's efforts to keep the city safe. But we all know what really would have been shouted if a naked green woman flew over a bunch of male New Yorker's heads. I won't even speculate on that filth! So filthy what with saying where their tongues are going to go and what orifices they're going to put their corncobs and how long they can do the act of doing it. Gross!

The final member to catch up with is Crimson Fox. She offers to help support the League while it transitions to whatever it's going to transition to. See, she has loads and loads of perfume money. Although it was almost stolen by a cult that worshiped giant worms. Everybody thanks her for the offer and they're probably getting ready to accept her check when Max Lord and Oberon walk in and declare they're back in charge! They're figure out how to finance the League and how many people they'll have to fire to afford Superman.

Justice League America #60 Rating: B+. This was a transitional issue full of character-driven scenes to lay the groundwork for whatever's going to happen in the next issue. I'm sure a bunch of people will leave and a bunch of people will be hired. Then a few issues after that, a bunch of the people hired will have to leave the League because DC needs them in another comic book and they'll have to have an issue discussing membership. But eventually the League will be full of characters that DC doesn't mind being in two places at once or don't actually have any other monthly home to appear in. Dan Jurgens will be the new writer and since my biggest problem with Dan Jurgen's stories is that they're all written like they take place in the '80s, I shouldn't have too much of a problem with him seeing as how he's writing these comics in 1992!

Rest in peace, Keith Giffen! You've given me more entertainment than probably any other artist I can point to (other than Johnette Napolitano and Traci Lords!). You created two of my all-time favorite characters: Lobo and Ambush Bug. I remember the first time I saw Ambush Bug on the cover of a comic book lying on the floor of Philip Newby's living room. And I remember him excitedly telling me how hilarious it was. And I trusted Phil's word when it came to funny because he was always laughing at all sort of stuff that I barely understood in elementary school, like Monty Python and Tom Lehrer! I like to imagine Ambush Bug and Lobo sitting around crying and exchanging stories until they move in for a warm, consoling hug and begin kissing passionately only to wind up jerking each other off. I should have begun that last sentence with "I really like to imagine (and often do)"!

Justice League International #23 (1989)

Is this Comicsgate?

I'm not here to talk about or debate Comicsgate. They know who they are no matter what they try to say to convince people otherwise. We know what they are no matter what they say to try to convince people otherwise. I've seen these sort of people in the comic fandom for decades. As soon as the villain of the story goes from robbing banks to committing some kind of social evil (like say, um, Apartheid), they're quick to complain, rising up to complain in some vague way which ultimately comes down to a defense of "Western Civilization" (a code that's as subtle as a pothead with 420 in their name). A great example is the letters pages in Teen Titans Spotlight on Jericho (I think?) where Mike Gold had to deal with letters from fans angry about Teen Titans Spotlight on Starfire because all the white people in it were the villains. Well, yeah! She was in South Africa dealing with Apartheid! How fucking dumb and/or racist do you have to be to send in a letter complaining about Starfire dealing with Apartheid because it makes white people look bad? Had they never fucking heard of Apartheid?! Oh wait. Yes, of course they had. It's just they probably saw people who thought and acted just like they would have thought and acted and realized, "Wait. They're saying those people are the bad guys? How dare they!" It's easy to not see yourself in the bad guy when they're robbing a bank or building weather control satellites because you're probably never going to do that. But when the bad guy is just an ignorant bigot? That fucking stings.

More to the point, fuck Comicsgate.

The Justice League are still in the South Pacific cleaning up after Invasion which I didn't re-read because I failed to sort my comic books by how I would wind up re-reading them forty years later.

If I were still spending the majority of my time with this blog, this would have become the new header.

Oh fuck it. You probably noticed. I made it the new header.

Ten characters nobody recognizes and/or cares about!

Look, I fucking loved the 80s Suicide Squad by John Ostrander. I'm just saying this advertisement is fucking shit. At least it was when the series began! After the series was well underway, Ostrander made most of these characters reasons to buy a book! I mean, I'm pretty sure I only read Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man because Shade was in this version of Suicide Squad. Not that he was the same version! But it still got me to read it! Also, why isn't Deadshot in this picture?! To me, Deadshot is synonymous with this version of the Squad! Was he less popular than Count Vertigo or Doctor Light at this time?!

Also on the island: the Injustice League! While the Justice League are busy clearing the island of battlefield debris, the Injustice League are trying to steal a busted Thanagarian warship. In the first scene, the members of the Injustice League make sure to call each other by name a few times so that readers can learn (or remember) who they all are: Major Disaster, Clock King, Multi-Man, Big Sir, and Clue Master. You can tell their second or third string villains because their names are terrible. What does a Clue Master even do?! "I'm master of clues! See how easy I make it for Batman to find me and break my jaw?!" And how shitty must it have been to be Clock King with a costume comprised of a wallpaper pattern of analog clocks when digital clocks suddenly became de rigueur? Was his super power being able to read an analog clock to the exact second, making him obsolete as soon as digital came around? Maybe he's just really good at knowing the exact number of seconds to cook anything on a microwave. I can't even take a guess at what Big Sir's power is other than being dumb and strong. Hmm, that's probably it, seeing as how these characters are so terrible.

It concerns me when a person becomes a super-villain without a compelling reason or any future plans.

If I had a super-power and decided to use it for my own selfish purposes, no way would I dress up and make myself stand out. I would not take a name that advertises the extent of my powers. I would lay low and make small amounts of money in innocuous ways. My guess is that people become super-villains for the power and not so much for the wealth. That's where I'd get it all wrong. I don't want power! I don't want responsibility! I want to lie on my couch without having to worry about rent!

Major Disaster decides to have a nice little soliloquy about how fate had always planned to make him a great man.

Yeah but Mayor Disaster just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Major Disaster's ultimate goal is to rule the world which, again, I simply don't understand. You don't become a criminal so that you can wind up doing more work, do you?! Oh wait. I forgot idiots like Putin and Trump exist. Sad pathetic little unloved men who can't simply be content with a cup of coffee and a cat on their lap. Assholes, really.

Major Disaster realizes he'll probably have to knock over some gas stations first. Which seems a little underwhelming considering his evil super group has just stolen themselves a futuristic space ship.

Guy Gardner hears Major Disaster's evil soliloquy over the smashed ship he's cleaning up with Mister Miracle and flies off to beat up this Injustice League he's just heard about. See?! This is what I'm talking about! Why name yourself something that immediately gives a super hero probable cause to punch you in the throat? Dress like a normal person! Keep your regular name! Don't speak all of your terrible thoughts aloud to nobody!

Guy Gardner makes himself known to the Injustice League and they panic, sending the ship screaming into low orbit.

No, he's implying it.

Look, I didn't read Cerebus a half dozen times and not learn a little something about implying versus inferring.

Anyway, Guy Gardner smashes their ship and before they crash, Martian Manhunter catches them. The army then hauls away the Injustice League. They never even use any of their powers (unless Clock King expressing exactly how much time Green Lantern takes to crash through the ship counts). I suppose Keith and J.M. couldn't figure out how to write a real story in an issue where the Justice League were busy fighting the Invasion crossover. This issue ends with them heading off to finish the crossover.

Letters this month were from Jacob Gilbert of Troy, New York; James Bachmann of Huntsville, Texas; Bill Thiessen of Port Coquitlam, British Columbia; Sam Quang, The Record Man, of Toronto, Ontario; and Asa Jay Ambrister of Nashville, Tennessee. Not one of them praises the letterer. Ungrateful jerks.

Justice League International #23 Rating: 2.5 Stars. If you're going to throw a group of C-list villains into a Justice League title, I'd at least like to see their powers in action. I'm assuming Multi-Man can replicate himself. My guess is Clock King always knows what time it is for those times you're hanging out with him and don't want to look over your shoulder at the clock. Major Disaster probably causes tidal waves and earthquakes. Big Sir is big and polite. And Clue Master with all the little pills on his chest? Who the fuck knows!? Later, he'll have a child named Spoiler and fuck around with Batman for 52 weeks. But in 1989?! He was just a feathered-haired idiot with little capsules on his front. I guess that's where he keeps his clues? But what are the clues for?!

Justice League International #22 (1988)

The entire pitch for this comic: "Imagine Oberon as Rambo! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

DC loves crossovers. Because crossovers force their slobbering FOMO-filled audience to buy up every single issue of their entire catalog for a few months. So it's nice to see that Giffen and DeMatteis decided to treat their crossover comic book with such seriousness. Sorry. That was sarcasm. I hear only stupid people resort to sarcasm and I don't want people thinking I'm stupid. Not that I'm not stupid! I just don't want anybody to think it.

Look. I didn't know this was the first page when I wrote that sarcasm thing.

I guess, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I just inherently understand this shit. On like a level most people can't grasp. Or wouldn't want to grasp because to understand comic books this well, you also have to have once had a guy in a junior high locker room walk up behind you while you're shirtless and grab your boy-boobs with both hands and say something crude that you can't remember due to, I suspect, being shell shocked. A friend of mine began dating that same guy in high school and I was the rudest fucking bitch to him constantly and he probably had no memory of why. I like to think Irene eventually broke up with him because she trusted me when I said he was a totally garbage asshole.

What I meant to say was, "If Oberon can be a sarcastic little shit, why can't I? And also I didn't mean 'little' as in his stature!"

After being sarcastic, Oberon chooses to be both sexist and ableist in the next two panels, although I think it's okay to be ableist when you're making fun of yourself. Anyway, I thought I'd point that out because I'm probably going to be sexist and ableist eventually as well, seeing as how I've just now decided to model myself on Oberon.

Now that Giffen and DeMatteis have established that this current alien invasion of the DC Universe is unusually serious, they can get back to writing like goofy idiots.

After Booster Gold pouts about being left on monitor duty (I guess the editors didn't think he was popular enough to be in the huge crossover), Keith and J.M. give us a scene starring a Khund, a Psion, and an Okaaran. Those are the races invading Earth. I don't know if they're important or popular races. They're probably important to the plots of dumb comic books like The Omega Men, L.E.G.I.O.N., and The Legion of Super-Heroes. Maybe not all of those comic books are dumb. Two of them starred Lobo! So I guess the other, non-Lobo one was dumb. Although the fans of The Legion of Super-Heroes would probably string me up for telling such a radical truth. Although it was probably a lot like Degrassi Junior High except with super-heroes, so it probably would have been my favorite comic book if I'd ever read it. The only version I read was the New 52 version so you can see why I'm so negative about it. I think by the time The New 52 came around, Paul Levitz was just bored with the entire concept.

Here's the opening line to one of my New 52 Legion of Super-heroes reviews: "This issue contains two stories so maybe it'll either be twice as boring as a normal issue or half as boring. I'm not sure how the physics works." Ha ha! Man, I was pretty funny ten years ago!

The aliens have taken over the Justice League Embassy in Australia (I think the only member there is Tasmanian Devil and they beat him up). They make sure to keep the teleporter operational so that they can send an attack force through it. I think we've seen the attack force on the cover! They're even smaller than Oberon!

I know thinking of Wonder Woman as just a horny uterus isn't sexist because most women think of me as just an unsatisfying penis.

Booster Gold is easily taken down by the tiny invaders because his mind was dulled from playing checkers with Oberon and also it wasn't too sharp to begin with. The tiny invaders chase Oberon into Blue Beetle's room where he finds a life-size poster of a nearly naked Fire and a small poster of a hot rod. So I guess it's canon that Blue Beetle is fourteen.

To get out of this situation, Oberon digs around in Blue Beetle's porn stash in the closet.

Oberon defeats the invaders with a centerfold of Supergirl's vagina?

That caption was for old school reader's of this blog. They're pretty much the only people I cater to.

Okay, fine. It's actually Blue Beetle's light gun which is so terrible that it should have stayed in the closet (not in a gay way! In a storage way!). Although Oberon mentions this is Beetle's "spare" light gun so, as unbelievable as it may seem, Blue Beetle actually made two guns that simply flash a bright light at super villains.

After defeating the invaders, Oberon packs them all away into Roach Motels as a humane way to imprison them. Although aren't those things full of poison? My guess is they're dead within the hour. Which is no big deal, really. They're aliens! I think even Superman is allowed to kill aliens!

Meanwhile in Fiji, the rest of the Justice League meet up with Wonder Woman to defeat some other invaders. Blue Beetle and Rocket Red can't stop vocalizing how much they want to fuck Wonder Woman. I understand Blue Beetle doing that being that he's only fourteen years old, but Rocket Red?! He's got a wife and kids! Oh, I guess he also has a penis. That must be his problem.

No wonder Wonder Woman couldn't wait until she could start beating up one guy per month who told her to smile in the 2010s. Look at the shit she had to put up with in the 1980s!

I understand the compulsion to discuss how attractive Wonder Woman is. I do it all the time with Supergirl's butt! Except I don't talk about it when I'm six inches from her ear! Have some decency and respect, Blue Beetle! Write about your infatuation on a blog like every other perverse weirdo!

The United States military gives the Justice League the plan: they're to distract the alien invasion while Wonder Woman saves her gal pal Etta Candy. The military even spent a ton of resources on a map so the Justice League could easily visualize the plan.

The teeny, tiny magnetic poetry strip labeled "JLI" represents the Justice League. The triangles represent the Khund invasion force. The island that looks nothing like Fiji represents Fiji. The skinny-ass pointer represents a general in the American military with a huge cock.

Now that the plan has been fully explained by the worst visual aid in U.S. military history prior to, I'm assuming, George Bush's visual aids for his illegal war in Iraq and Afghanistan, it's time for some comic book violence with a heaping helping of male characters pouting about how Wonder Woman probably won't put a finger in their butthole. She probably doesn't even do that for Steve Trevor or Etta Candy though. She knows it would simply be too dangerous. Although I bet she uses the lasso of truth like anal beads.

Hawkman has been having trouble fitting in with this new league. He doesn't like how they joke all the time and nobody takes anything seriously. He was right on the verge of quitting and then this alien invasion happened.

So like all conservatives, he hates fun and loves killing.

The Justice League rig one of the Khund ships with a bomb that destroys the entire fleet. J'onn laments having to kill so many sentient beings but, not being Batman or Superman, he understands when the DC editors have decided it's okay for the heroes to kill. Basically if it's an alien invading Earth, the heroes (even Superman at times! But not Batman!) are allowed to treat their combats like battles in a war. It's to save Earth! Anything less than killing would be insufficient. Unless you're Batman, for some reason. Maybe because he breaks legs and jaws in such a way that the victim wishes they were dead.

Martian Manhunter is the most human of us all! Also, it still checks out: Blue Beetle is fourteen.

The way that previous page is laid out and storyboarded, I almost thought it was an advertisement for Hostess Fruit Pies.

No letters page this month! Probably too much editorial work keeping all the Invasion crossovers straight!

Justice League International #22 Rating: B-. Maybe I'll stop rating the comics. It's not like I put any thought into the rating anyway. This final paragraph should be some kind of intelligent summation of the comic book I just read but I can't even bother to do that (being that I can't figure out how to write intelligently). I guess Batman was left out of this issue or else he'd be tied to all these Khund deaths and his reputation for never killing, even in a war against an invading alien army, would be sullied. And we can't have that! Everybody knows that if one writer decided to write a story where Batman purposefully kills one person (even an invading alien), the floodgates will have opened for every future Batman writer to come. They'll all have him killing, over and over again. The "Batman doesn't kill" rule isn't there to protect Batman from stepping over that line. It's probably because editors know how lazy writers are! If Batman kills, that'll be the major plot point of every Batman story for fifteen years! Every new writer will think, "Which Batman villains are still alive? Oh yeah! Mad Hatter! How and why would Batman kill Mad Hatter?!" Pretty soon, his entire retinue of villains will have been decimated! But Martian Manhunter, Mister Miracle, and Blue Beetle can kill a few thousand Khund because nobody is going to be interested in Blue Beetle accidentally stepping over that line and becoming kill crazy! What's he going to do? Flashlight his foes to death? Bludgeon them with stupid jokes? Oh, I know! I'd just have him land his Beetle ship on them. Just have the entire bottom of his ship constantly smeared in blood and gore!

Justice League International #19 (1988)

This is probably the original cover that caused me, whenever I saw similar covers, to simply think, "Now kiss!"

Even for the late 80s, Lobo and Guy Gardner both had fucked up haircuts.

First, let's take a look at the inside cover advert from our delicious corporate overlords, M & M's:

I'm sorry if this truth is a little too raw for the post-physical-bullying generation but if this guy showed up like this to Winchester Skate Park, he would have gotten his ass handed to him.

I know, I know! Nowadays, we're all just dying to get our hands on a free M & M's painter's cap and an M & M's custom designed shirt (not to mention the weird modern art covered skateboard). But this was the late 80s! If you didn't have the style of Lobo or Guy Gardner, your head was destined for the bottom of a toilet bowl. Which, ironically, would give you both Lobo and Guy Gardner's haircuts.

This issue is called "No More Mr. Nice-Guy" which is almost the title of an Alice Cooper song except Alice had the sense not to put a stupid dash between "nice" and "guy."

Guy Gardner suffered brain damage from an accident with Hal Jordan's power lantern. Then he suffered brain damage from Batman's fist. Last issue, he suffered more brain damage by being at direct center of a Boom Tube opening. Now he's fighting Lobo and he flies head first at full speed into a lamppost. That can only mean one thing!

Oh wait. Guy's fine this time. Batman must punch really hard.

I probably didn't know much about Lobo when I picked up this comic book in 1988, having never been even close to tempted into reading The Omega Men, which means this is probably when I fell in love with Lobo, even if he is nowhere close to looking his sexiest. Maybe this is also when I fell in love with Guy Gardner. Is this why I modeled my adult persona around being an abrasive asshole?

The fight between Guy Gardner and Lobo reminds me of the fight between Superman and Doomsday except it's far less serious and way more bad-ass. I really don't know why DC had to create a whole new character to kill Superman when Lobo was just sitting right there on his space hog looking hot and sexy. We all know Lobo could have done it if he'd really wanted to. Or, you know, if the writer had decided Lobo could kill Superman. But no! The writer had to be Dan Jurgens and Dan Jurgens was all, "Duh! I'm going to make a huge mistake and not have Lobo kill Superman! Duh! I'm a dummy!"

I hope Dan Jurgens doesn't search the Internet for his own name because I'd feel really bad if he read that and started to cry. I'm sorry, Dan. I don't really think you're a big dummy. It's just that I get really passionate about two things: Lobo and comic book writers who make huge mistakes by not having Lobo kill Superman. Those are my two biggest pet peeves.

The Justice League break up the fight and invite Lobo in for coffee and doughnuts. Lobo, not having signed anything that would make sure he gets paid for killing these guys, decides to stop killing these guys. That makes sense because who wants to do their job if they're not getting paid for it? Only sociopaths! Which means Lobo is a completely rational and reasonable dude. Which means every citizen of Czarnia must have been a complete and utter shite-head.

Through an unfortunate mishap called "conversation," Lobo learns that he was Boom Tubed right into Justice League headquarters. He decides to wait around for the jerks he fought in space to return before he kills them all and earns himself ten years worth of space dolphin chow. I wonder how long ten years is in Lobo's junkyard home? I suppose everybody in the DC Universe simply reverts to using Earth measurements because Earth is the only place where humans exist and they're special because they fall in love and have willpower and, I don't know, are based on the writers of the comic book universe, I guess? Humans rock!

Max decides Lobo should be granted temporary admittance to the League which just shows what a terrible leader Max Lord is. I guess he got confused because Guy and Lobo just met and instantly got in a big fight which must mean this was one of those comic book misunderstandings where two good guys wind up fighting. Therefore Lobo is a good guy who must be hired without any kind of background check. Batman arrives and instantly shits all over the idea. But then Batman shits on every idea, making the meaning of "shitting on ideas" completely worthless. Which is more proof that Lobo should be on the team, I think. Plus Batman doesn't already know about Lobo?! What kind of super detective is he?! Oh yeah, that's right. The kind who bases his whole career on a confused bat crashing through his window in the middle of the night.

The rest of the issue turns into a recruitment drive which seems like a huge double cross after that cover of Lobo about to kiss Guy Gardner. And it's a terrible recruitment drive! They hire the cosmic assassin Lobo. Black Canary quits. Captain Atom talks Max out of hiring Major Force. The Flash misses his invite. Superman turns down Batman. And Batman convinces Hawkman and Hawkwoman to join (yes, convincing Hawkman to join is worse than him refusing to). This team sounds like they're in huge trouble without even needing to find any enemies to battle.

Meanwhile in space, Barda realizes where The Cluster must be going with Scott: to Apokolips to trade him to Darkseid. So they're off to the most dangerous place in the DC Universe in 1988!

Justice League International #19 Rating: C-. Normally, if an issue features Lobo, it gets an A+. But Lobo just sits around in the dark getting flirted at by Fire. He barely does anything! He doesn't even kill Guy Gardner! And, of course, he's not really all that attractive here. He doesn't really become a super hot hunk of killer love until Simon Bisley gets his pencil on him.

Justice League International #18 (1988)

Early Lobo did nothing for my penis.

Just look at how flaccid ensuring early Lobo's look was! Some bro-dude with spiky hair and thick mascara in a cheap faux-leather jacket with a high collar. Where's the big rippling muscled chest? The strong jaw covered in stubble? The tight leather pants with the skull belt buckle? The massive chain wrapped about his arm because you know what they say about a guy with a massive chain? Whew. I'm sweating just describing him! Instead, we've got this normal looking blue dude?! At least this isn't his first appearance where he's wearing a purple and orange leotard.

How the fuck did Lobo ever become so cool?!

I'm sad that I don't have Lobo's first appearance. I didn't read The Omega Men back in the day because it was one of those DC books that proclaimed, "We know this book is super extra expensive but look at our cool innovation we call Baxter paper! So nice! Pay up, dweebs!" Also it was The Omega Men. Who the fuck were they and why should I care about them?!

Comic book fans don't know how tough we had it back in the day. Imagine living in a world where Lobo didn't give you a boner? Terrible times!

Reading the first page, I'm reminded that Scott Free was kidnapped by Lord Manga Khan and taken into deep space which means I absolutely read the Annual at the wrong time. Except that any time you read an Annual, you're reading it at the wrong time because Annuals are simply never worth reading.

Calm down, DeMatteis. This isn't a Vertigo title.

Martian Manhunter, G'nort, Big Barda, and Rocket Red have travelled millions of light years across the universe in pursuit of Scott Free. Which seems like a waste of time, actually. Scott Free is Mister Miracle and the one super power he has is escaping shit. Shouldn't they just be sitting at home enjoying a good book while waiting for him to return? If I were Mister Miracle, I'd be offended and a little bit hurt that they didn't trust me to do the one thing I'm known for.

Barda's lips scream, "Kevin Maguire drew this!"

As a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I can analyze art and see the tell-tale signs of the artist who drew it. If it's full lips in this precise shape, it's Kevin Maguire. If it's a woman who looks thirteen years old and is wearing a towel after just getting out of the shower and all the men have fish lips, it's David Finch. If the women have clear skin and the men are covered in hundreds of lines and cross-hatching, it's Jim Lee. If all the characters look vaguely the same but seem to be wearing different wigs, it's Steve Dillon. I can probably recognize more artists than that but I can't give all of my secrets away for free! I could probably charge for a Master Class of this shit!

The Justice League catch up to Lord Manga Khan and The Cluster before The Cluster even arrive at the place which the Justice League catch up to them. There's probably a better way to say that but I'm just trying to get through all of the Mister Miracle was kidnapped stuff so I can get to the Guy Gardner battles Lobo stuff!

Here we are introduced to Lobo being (mostly) pleasant for the last time ever.

In his free time, Lobo hangs out in his space junkyard shirtless admiring his space dolphins. Later he'll also hang out with his space dog and some penguins he picks up on his trip to kill Santa Claus. You might be wondering how he would have gotten penguins from the North Pole, but just remember that most writers at DC (even Scott Snyder whom I thought was competent) constantly get the Arctic and the Antarctic mixed up. But feeling serene and chill can only last so long when you're the greatest intergalactic assassin in the world. Pretty soon you get a call from a potential client and it's back to splattering some weird alien's brains all over the inside of their cockpit.

That bit about being the greatest intergalactic assassin in the "world" was a fucking joke. I felt the need to clarify because some of you Internet nerds were probably really starting to feel smarter than me for a second! Not that you aren't almost certainly smarter than me. But I can't have you feeling that way for all the wrong reasons, like taking a joke literally!

I guess this is as cool as things could be in the 80s without destroying reality.

As you can see, Lobo was suffering a bit of an identity crisis in that he was basically Beetlejuice on a space bike. A pretty lame space bike. Luckily, one of the greatest features of the universe is that things get cooler as they move forward in time. Just imagine how cool teenagers will be in 2100! You teenagers today are such squares!

Lobo accepts the job to kill the Justice League. That means this will be the first job of many which he completely fails at. "Of many" because this story begins a fond tradition over the next few years where writers bring in Lobo to battle the main character of their series to prove that their character can defeat, through brains or brawn, the deadliest threat in the DC Universe. Which means after a few years of Lobo failing to murder anybody, he went from deadliest threat to most incompetent intergalactic assassin. Such a shame!

How did I miss this advert when I was sixteen?! My life could have been so different!

Giffen's layout for the next scene is four clever split screen panels where we see the Justice League saying and doing the exact same thing Lord Manga Khan and L-ron are doing. So J'onn and Lord Manga both say, "They're just sitting there!" And then in the next panel, Barda and L-ron both say, "We should make the first move!" Then in the third panel, J'onn and Manga both say, "No. We wait." And then in the fourth panel, apparently the layout was too clever by far because the letterer puts the quotes on the wrong sides of the panel.

I mean, J'onn is psychic so maybe he read Lord Manga's mind and is all, "See? That Lobo guy is definitely coming!" But then I guess Lord Manga forgot that he just hired Lobo in that scenario?

Lobo lands on the Justice League ship and announces himself with a cheeky little "Greetings from Lobo!" This causes Big Barda to shit her costume because she's the only one who has ever heard of Lobo before. You can't count Lobo's arrival as causing G'nort to shit his pants because he'd already shitted them for other, more varied reasons.

Now I'm wondering what a Martian turd looks like. Probably not too healthy looking judging by all the Oreos and Eskimo Pies he eats.

Okay, so G'nort knows who he is as well. So I guess G'nort shit his pants twice.

If Lobo is Czarnian, why would G'nort tell J'onn what his name means in a Khundian dialect? What does "Lobo" mean in Czarnian?! Probably "wolf."

This is the final paragraph in the Khund entry on the DCfandom wiki:

Khunds have two sexes, and live approximately 70 years, although the reds sometimes live up to 140 years and have an average lifespan of 95 years. They reach sexual maturity between 14 and 16 years of age, and can usually reproduce up to age 50 or so for women and 75 for men. Unlike humans, the males also cease to be capable of reproduction, though at a later age then women.

Why do we need this level of detail on Khund sex, lifespan, and how they reproduce?! Especially when it's basically, "They're sort of like humans, mostly." Does every entry on this fandom end in these kinds of details? Are the DCfandom stans obsessed with how many dicks all the aliens in the DC Universe have and where they put them and up until what age?! Maybe I should join.

Barda decides to let Lobo in through the airlock so that he doesn't smash a hole in the ship. Once he's inside, Lord Manga Khan and the Cluster zip off toward Apokolips to sell Mister Miracle to Darkseid, opening up a whole new world of trade in instruments of torture, fire spewing holes in the ground, and, presumably, body bags.

Lobo dismantles Rocket Red's armor in one off-pane "KRUNCH!" meaning that Rocket Red is now just Dmitri and probably soon to be DOA. But J'onn, the greatest member of the Justice League ever, is there to stop Lobo!

The whole "every drop of blood turns into a new Lobo," while pretty fucking bad ass, would actually be a huge pain in the neck for Lobo himself, I'd wager.

Imagine taking a shit that tears a hemorrhoid and then every single drop of butt blood turns into another you! Fucking hell. And how quickly does it happen? Do they turn into new yous while flushing through the pipes?! And then do your clones' drops of blood turn into more clones?! It seems like a giant headache, having to be careful not to accidentally cut yourself chopping vegetables or else you're suddenly going to have to chop more vegetables to serve the other fifteen people now suddenly living with you.

While J'onn stalls Lobo without drawing any blood, Barda begins tampering with her Mega Rod to make another Boom Tube to randomly teleport Lobo away from them across all time and space. Unluckily for Guy Gardner, that completely random place is going to be Justice League Headquarters, Earth.

Barda's plan works although, if she knows who Lobo is, then she also knows he doesn't give up on a contract. So teleporting him away is just a delaying tactic. Unless she purposefully teleported him to Guy Gardner's location?! I mean, she says that the settings she used teleported him randomly. But given everybody's hatred for Guy Gardner, and given that Barda knows all about Lobo, she must have done it on purpose to make sure he stays out of their hair. Because the only way Lobo doesn't immediately come back to kill them to fulfill his contract is if he finds more Justice League members to kill. That Big Barda is pretty crafty!

Dammit, Oberon! Move your fat head! I'm pretty sure Fire's labia is hanging out!

Fire decides everybody should just chill out for a bit and not worry about League business while the grown-ups are away (J'onn and Barda). She points to Guy Gardner as an example because she and Ice have only known his "One Punch" personality.

Yikes, Oberon. Ixnay on the rainbay amageday!

Guy Gardner isn't brain dead. That's just a clever little joke by Oberon to point out that Guy is actually suffering from some pretty serious brain trauma after Batman punched him and nobody fucking cares because it made Guy nicer. And don't forget that even before Batman's punch, Guy was suffering brain damage from his early career hanging out with Hal Jordan. Which Batman, who knows everything, must have known when he punched Guy in the face. Am I suggesting that Batman knew exactly where to punch Guy to cause more brain damage which would make him nice and polite? Of course I am! Batman is a motherfucking dick.

Just at the moment where Ice is all, "Guy is the sweetest person I've ever known," Lobo teleports into the back of Guy's head, knocking his old regular brain-damaged personality back into him. That means next issue will be the fight of my century! My two favorite characters go toe-to-toe and, if I'm remembering correctly and not mixing up my sixteen year old masturbation fantasies, mouth-to-mouth!

Justice League International #18 Rating: A+. Obviously this issue gets the highest rating because Lobo is in it. No way am I going to disrespect The Main Man! There was also, as you saw on the cover scan, a sixteen-page bonus book by new up-and-coming artists. But what am I?! DC's head of recruitment? I'm going to do their thirty-year old work for them by reviewing some newbies?! Bah. Fuck. I guess I am! Stay tuned for the Bonus Book Review in another blog post!

Justice League International #17 (1988)

Blue Beetle versus The Air Compressor.

I remember really enjoying this series when I was sixteen. Now I'm sorry I've re-read it at fifty. J.M. DeMatteis and Keith Giffen aren't anywhere near as hilarious as I thought they were. It's possible they're writers of that particular breed that can capture the fleeting humor of the moment which never lasts the test of time. It's even more possible I was just easily entertained at sixteen, full of wonder and the optimism of life. It's most possible that I've become a bitter old man that cannot enjoy anything anymore.

Between the end of that last paragraph and beginning this one, I've thought about my feelings regarding Justice League International and I've concluded that Giffen and DeMatteis just aren't great writers.

Along with contemplating my feelings toward this comic book to reach the conclusion that this isn't as great as I remembered it, I also read the first page.

A Jim Nabors reference? Maybe this was hilarious in 1988 because maybe it was national news that Ronald Reagan was a huge Gomer Pyle fan? They were probably good friends! Or maybe Jim Nabors was recently celebrated at a dinner at the White House? Or maybe it was just "funny" to reference Jim Nabors, sort of like how it was hip to reference Chuck Norris in the Oughts or Abe Vigoda in the Tens, or how everybody loves to love Betty White because, um, she's old?

Jim Nabors isn't what upset me about this first page though. What annoyed me was how Oberon points out that Captain Atom couldn't have handled the situation in Bialya because he can't even figure out the electrical system in their headquarters. What does one have to do with the other?! Captain Atom is a military man who accidentally gained the power to blow shit up. Who (other than Oberon, apparently) is expecting him to understand electronics?!

It's because Batman can do everything, isn't it?

Also, yes, I understand it's a call back to an earlier story. But because the two things have nothing in common, it just makes Oberon sound petty and resentful. The panel on the following page doesn't help where Captain Atom says "What was that?" and Oberon responds by lying about what he, apparently, mumbled. That's also a regular DeMatteis and Giffen "punch line" which they love to fall back on.

Batman, Green Flame, Booster, and Beetle are all trapped in Bialya since Queen Bee took over by killing Rumaan. Batman is disguised as Maxwell Lord so of course he corrects Fire (currently still Green Flame) when she calls him Batman. He then precedes to refer to her as Green Flame instead of Bea and Michael and Ted as Booster and Beetle. Where does he get off?! Oh, yeah, I remember. He's Batman.

Oh yeah. It was jokes like these that made me love this comic book.

It turns out that reading a comic book without thinking too much about it allows you to remember the actually funny and enjoyable moments while conveniently speeding past and instantly forgetting the terrible bits. I guess taking time while reading a comic book to comment about it and to think about every panel only made me realize I don't really enjoy comic books that much. Perhaps the real problem is that when a comic book was seventy-five cents, I didn't mind reading a comic book quickly and enjoying the ephemeral nature of the medium, whether it was great or mediocre. But once comic books were four or five dollars, I felt the right to demand quality from the writer and artist on every single page! So here's another option as to why I don't enjoy this comic book as much as I used to: I'm reading it as if it's a five dollar investment and expect more than it's seventy-five cent worth is providing.

You might be wondering why Booster, Beetle, and Fire are running around in their underwear and pajamas. The only explanation I can give is who cares? Ooh la la!

PSA: do not climb a ladder when people are shooting at you. You are not Batman.

The military guys chasing Batman fall off the ladder after Batman blows a smoke grenade in their face. It gives us a chance to see some of the loopholes in Batman's "I don't kill" philosophy.

Keep in mind these two men are only military men following orders to apprehend some escaped convicts who illegally entered the country under suspicious circumstances. Although also keep in mind that they're Bialyan. So, you know, evil incarnate, I guess!

Batman's smoke grenade was non-lethal so he is absolved of any injury that might lead to death which stems from the act of blowing the grenade up in somebody's face, I suppose. Also since the poor Bialyan can't speak English well (in his own Goddamned country even! Fucking Batman), Batman uses it as an excuse not to help the man escape injury. And once injured, through no direct action on Batman's part (if you allow for Batman's use of loopholes in his "I don't kill" philosophy), Batman leaves him to possibly bleed out or die from his injuries (two broken legs aren't nothing!). Not Batman's problem! The guy should never have chased Batman up a ladder and then hung from an insecure laundry line and then fell dozens of feet and then chose not to roll on impact thus shattering both legs! Fucking idiot.

This is also why I probably loved this comic book at sixteen.


And this.

Whenever somebody calls out the male gaze, I think, "Stop erasing lesbians!" Does that make me a feminist? I think so!

Captain Atom arrives to save the day and/or cause a nuclear catastrophe. He and Wandjina explode in a massive nuclear blast that probably doesn't cause any real harm because it derived from super-powered people. Captain Atom probably sucks it all back in like a reverse fart.

Captain Atom wins the battle and Queen Bee strides out onto the battlefield to accuse Batman and the others of invading her country. But she's willing to let them go because she wants to look compassionate in front of her newly acquired exploitable population.

See? All Bialyans are terrible!

Speaking of people who are all terrible, have I shit on Trump supporters recently? No? Well, this was that then.

Meanwhile, Manga Khan learns that Scott Free is the son of Highfather from New Genesis. So he decides to head to Apokolips to start trade negotiations with Darkseid. The members of the Justice League stalking Manga Khan install Boom Tube technology into their ship thanks to Barda's power rod. Do I need to construct a dildo joke here or was it readily apparent with all the component parts just lying there?

This issue has letters from John Q. Gerdes of Collinsville, Illinois; "Cool Canadian" of Don Mills, Ontario; Charlie Wells of Bangor, Pennsylvania; Scott A. Leonard of Plano, Texas; Carleton K. Brown of Springfield, Massachusetts; Timothy Chin of New York, New York; Dennis Rospigliosi (address withheld); and Jesus Vergel of Inglewood, California. Not a single one praises the letterer. Shame.

Justice League International #17 Rating: C. This comic is about average now and it was absolutely average then. But it was average in a sea of even more mediocre post-Crisis comic books coming out of DC. It makes me a little worried to re-read the 1980s Suicide Squad though. Was that series really as good as I believe it was?! If that one winds up being terrible, I'll know it's true: I was a fucking idiot when I was younger. Or maybe I'm just hopelessly bitter, angry, and uninterested in everything now. A little of both, probably.