Stormwatch #30

Who are these people?

Stormwatch in the Magenta Timeline ended between Issue #29 and Issue #30. After Jenny Soul decided she didn't want a gigantic, all-powerful suppository shoved up her hoo-hole, the team sat around trying to figure out what to do next. That's when Lobo returned to the Universe's Pilot Light which was no longer guarded by the Crayola Timelords because they'd been written out of existence. Lobo lit his cigar with it and then promptly blew it out. Everything ceased to exist. Even Jim Starlin.

So now we're back in The New 52! Although we're all a bit more cynical now, aren't we? Because we've experienced a story outside of the 52 Universes that are said to exist in The New 52. We now know there's more to it than DC has been letting on. Could it be, we think, catching our breath and touching our genitals tenderly, that The New 52 is simply a smaller part of an...this thought comes upon us, almost unthinkable...infinite amount of universes?!

Not like that thought is really anything new. Most of the New 52 titles take place on New Earth but there are enough New Earth stories dealing with alternate timelines and alternate realities that the idea of 52 coherent universes doesn't even fucking matter. Rebooting their characters from time to time seems like a fine idea if you want to keep origins and the history of characters modern and timely. But trying to limit your universe so you can somehow keep tight control of the continuity of it? Forget it, DC. Stop fucking trying. Just let the writers write and let the fanboys point out how Green Lantern never could have been in three places at once last month. Who the fuck cares? As long as all three Green Lantern stories rock my bunghole, I'm fine with dyscontinuity! That's a combination of the words "dysfunctional," "continuity," and "incontinence."

Oh. So they're aware of their brief stint inside Jim Starlin's brain? That's too bad. I bet they dream of Warworld for weeks.

I had to check the rating on the front of the issue before I make my next prediction. The Rating is Teen+, so my next guess is that Apollo will mention how much bigger Midnighter's penis was in that other universe, so it wasn't all bad.

Even though Stormwatch has returned from Jim Starlin's brain-space, it hasn't been returned in the same condition it was loaned out. Stormwatch Headquarters is now called The Carrier and they're once again using Door Technology. Their computer banks even slyly reference The Authority, probably because they live in The Bleed and exist everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. Like cats.

That sounds like a sly allusion to the myth that gay guys will fuck anything! That's obviously a myth since they don't fuck vaginas.

I don't even know if that's a myth! I just made it up because I think Apollo really does want to double team this alien's head with Midnighter. He did say something about mounting it in the bedroom! Also, my friend Kenny, who is gay and thus represents all gay men, once told me a story about how he received oral sex from a stranger while walking through the park. That's almost like fucking an alien in the head!

The next panel which I'd failed to read before making all of my insensitive comments has Apollo mentioning that he brings back these trophies for research purposes. Now he can find out important things like how nice his penis feels inside of it and how it reacts to his super powered sun semen.

Oh! I also wanted to say that I really liked The Engineer's Hal Jordan comment. That was a nice touch there, Mr. Sterling. It probably also helps place the return of Stormwatch back into the New 52 timeline. But I don't follow that stuff very closely so it doesn't matter to me. I just hope Midnighter battles Dex-Starr this issue!

Currently Jack Hawksmoor is on sabbatical because he's lucky enough to have a job that offers sabbaticals. And Jenny Quantum is off trying to kiss a boy. He's kind of a depressed boy so I'm hoping he's the boy that now houses Etrigan the Demon. Her date is not going very well. Probably because he's full of inner torment and demon penises.

No you won't! You abandon your lovely street burrito as soon as you get the call to return to The Carrier! Dumb dumb!

As Jenny Quantum arrives in Los Angeles to battle a huge City Hall Gobot (it's obviously a Gobot as opposed to a Transformer since it still basically looks like a building when it turns into a robot), she describes Stormwatch and all its members. She even gives a little history because this book has been needing some kind of coherent explanation of the group that the readership can digest. Too bad it's happening in the last issue!

Stormwatch is currently on the run from Planetary The Shadow Cabinet, a group of three mysterious figures (plus the lost Fourth Man (so you know, nothing at all like Planetary!)), that were trying to control them. But Stormwatch didn't like being controlled, so they gave notice and disappeared into The Bleed. And now they're practically ready for a new series! A good series! A series written by Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! No, wait. That series would suck because the team would constantly be fighting gigantic alien genitalia trying to use Earth as a toilet.

During the Battle Against L.A., The Engineer rehires The Projectionist to help keep Stormwatch a secret. But she doesn't rehire Martian Manhunter, so they can't erase people's memories, just people's video evidence. They'll just have to live with being a seemingly Urban Legend rather than complete unknowns.

The team eventually finds Jack Hawsmoor hugging some alien technology that's turning the city into monsters. Midnighter is knocked unconscious by the technology's defenses, so now it's all up to Jenny Quantum.

Her love of ponies?

Also, Jenny Quantum is going to be might surprised when she finds she has one more year to live than she realizes. Also, everybody has been lying to her and she's actually only thirteen.

Jenny claims "emotional blackmail" is the greatest weapon a fourteen thirteen year old girl has at her disposal. I don't know if that's exactly what she uses here since it seems like she mostly just uses the very real fact that she loves and cares for and relies on Hawksmoor and the other members of Stormwatch to break the alien technology's hold over Jack. Maybe she doesn't actually like any of them and she only cries crocodile tears. It's possible she's just using them all to gain more power which means more freedom so she can ditch their old asses. I think that might constitute emotional blackmail.

Stormwatch doesn't discover that the alien technology they just destroyed was put there by The Shadow Cabinet trying to trap them. Also, Adam One seems to now be a member of the Shadow Cabinet. So he's the Fourth Man although the panel with the Shadow Cabinet only shows three men. That means Jakita must be in the bathroom at the moment.

After Jenny Quantum uses door to return to her date, kiss the boy, and break up, a fleet of alien ships come out of The Bleed saying in their alien Runespeak Old Portugese [sic} language, "Finally, after all this time, we've found it...EARTH." But that's about as far as their invasion goes before Stormwatch finally, after thirty issues, begins acting like fucking Stormwatch!

Stormwatch is finally here! The end.

Stormwatch #30 Rating: I'm not changing the ranking at which I've already retired this comic book. But this issue is a good sign for a future return of Stormwatch. The team felt right here. The team was doing what they're supposed to do. And they fucking were getting along with each other. I don't mind if they squabble or get pissy with each other; heck, I demand that! But enough with issue after issue of physical violence between team members. I guess that's an old complaint though. I think the Fake Stormwatch got along okay in their alternate reality. But all the characters sucked in that reality, so I wouldn't have cared if they wound up punching each other in the face over there. Anyway, thanks for letting them go out on a good issue, Mr. Sterling.

I know it's Mr. Gates! I just like saying Mr. Sterling!

Stormwatch #18

Apparently the Earth just isn't threatened enough because these kids have too much free time on their hands.

At this point you just have to ask: "Is Stormwatch really needed?" When was the last time they saved the world from something other than themselves? It may have been when The Engineer ate the Neanderthal Devolver and that was back in Issue Eleven. They may or may not have saved the world from Etrigan since then but that still falls into the category of fighting with themselves. I can't blame Stormwatch for all of the in-fighting. They're not the kind of team that stops burglaries or serial killers. They merely have to sit around and wait for an incipient extinction level event. When one of those isn't incipient, they just bicker out of sheer boredom. Technically I suppose you can blame this battle with the Engineer on the Hidden People (the Neanderthals!) since she is going nuts from having rammed their devolver up her ass. But I bet the devolver is like that lie that hypnotists tell all the time about how you'd never do anything under hypnotism that you wouldn't do while not hypnotized. Such a lie! What the fuck do you think Nationalism and Propaganda are for?! It's to hypnotize people to act in ways they wouldn't normally act otherwise!

By the way, Stormwatch is apparently recruiting. And rebooting.

Isn't Brother Eye going to be a bit pissed about this? Or is he too busy making plans with Batman to return the Flashpoint Universe back to the old universe. You know Batman has got to be a little bit upset that Detective Comics has been renumbered. And if anybody can return the DC Universe it's the Goddamned Batman and the not-quite-as-Goddamned Brother Eye. Or Ambush Bug. I'm pretty certain Ambush Bug could get it done. And probably Mr. Mxyzptlk. Maybe Bat-mite although Bat-mite has yet to appear in The New 52. But if he exists in any comic book reality, he also exists in The New 52 being what he is. So, yeah, Bat-mite could fix this shit.

So The Engineer dumps OMAC on Apollo, Midnighter, and Zealot in a story called "The Scream." I thought OMAC stories were supposed to be palindromes? I mean that other thing! Whatever the word "radar" is. Okay. Bad example. Whatever you call words like "scuba" and "sonar"! Except the reverse because the title is the words that make the acronym and not the acronym! Oh! Acronym! Good job, brain. So instead of "The Scream", this story should be called "OMAC Makes A Cake." Perhaps Peter Milligan is twisting the convention Giffen and DiDio were using and "The Scream" is an acronym itself! THe Engineer: She Could Really Emasculate Apollo and Midnighter.

In my dream world, that last paragraph would have been one long palindrome. I think this is the only palindrome I've ever come up with because I either haven't ever tried very hard or I just suck at them: "So, got Togo's?"

Before OMAC drops on everyone's head the way OMAC loves to do, Apollo begins to feel a little jealousy towards Zealot.

They're not helping.

Apollo is jealous not because Midnighter and Zealot seem to have a close, past relationship but because Apollo suddenly thinks Midnighter is into pussy. I guess it isn't a crazy assumption. Apollo and Midnighter haven't even had sex yet and Midnighter is a sociopath. It isn't totally out of the realm of possibility that Midnighter was just leading him on and fucking with him by pretending to want to fuck him but then not fucking him. But look on the bright side, Apollo! There's always OMAC! I know Kevin Kho is heterosexual but that doesn't mean the monster he turns into has to be. Look at Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk!

The Engineer uses OMAC's voice to tell the boys she wants to negotiate. So Apollo blasts OMAC in the face and yells, "Negotiate this, Engineer!" Not exactly Armistead Maupin.

Sure, Apollo, that's probably a better choice of author if you want your readers to understand your references.

OMAC blasts them through a teleporter door Engineer opened so that The Engineer can bring them aboard The Eye of the Storm so that they can defeat her. She really is arrogant, isn't she?

Or maybe not! Perhaps she's smarter than I thought because Apollo and Midnighter and Zealot and OMAC and Zealot's cool space chopper end up in some kind of Teleport Limbo where things really get serious. Like super serious. And highly dramatic!

I already pointed out why this is a fair question!

The Engineer's big floating Oz head appears to offer the boys a deal: choose to let The Engineer alter their brains so she has control over them or die. Okay, I've returned to the opinion that she is indeed arrogant. And possibly stupid. She may think she's hyper-evolved but I'm pretty sure she's hypo-evolved. I don't know if that makes sense in the context of words and what they mean but I'm going to just leave it there anyway.

Surprisingly, Midnighter and Apollo choose to die. That was an example of incorrectly using the word "surprisingly." But before the dying happens, the fighting and the arguing about who is and who isn't gay takes place!

Meanwhile, lobotomized Harry Tanner has been left to his own devices since The Engineer thinks he's completely under her control now. And while he is to the extent that he can't bring himself to stab her in the back, he's free enough to bring Jenny Quantum around so that she can save the day. He knocks some stray quarks into her brain and she wakes up screaming. Oh! The Scream from the title!

Jenny's scream blows up The Eye of the Storm and sends everybody plummeting back to Earth. Or maybe they were just blasted through the still open teleport door since they end up in the same alley where they were abducted. But this time they've got company in the corpse of The Engineer.

I'm sure The Engineer will eventually pull herself together.

I like this version of Zealot a trajillion times better than Liefeld's version. Although that would mean I don't like her at all since when you multiply by zero, you still get zero. So I like this version of Zealot a trajillion additional likes more than the amount of likes I had for Liefeld's version. I'm sure that's not surprising to anybody that's a fan of story telling and literature though. Liefeld doesn't write characters. He puts speech bubbles on mouths on the faces of interchangeable people in different costumes.

Speaking of Liefeld, people seem to defend him by pointing out that the haters all hate him for the same reasons and are just jumping on the "hate Liefeld" bandwagon as if there were no merit to hating his writing and art. But in my commentaries on his work, I've pointed out again and again, panel by panel, his faults and failings. But I've never seen anybody go through his work and point out what is good about it (Level of Difficulty: no blanket statements about his level of energy in his drawings. Especially when everybody looks like a fucking Barbie or Ken inaction doll). Somebody accept this fucking challenge and actually defend one piece of Liefeld's work, page by page, story and art. I claim it cannot be done without severely crippling a person's honesty and integrity! Hell, even I praised him once for one of his themes in Hawk and Dove when he took over the writing although I'm beginning to think I read too much into it and it was simply a happy accident.

"Maybe" this is just the beginning? Just go fuck already!

Stormwatch #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed getting to know another Wildstorm character written by a competent writer. And since this chapter of the story was framed around Apollo and Midnighter, it was nice to see them finally just get down to kissing. But since it was about Midnighter and Apollo, we're left to wonder what happened to Jenny Quantum and if Jack Hawksmoor is dying in the jungle or he happened to stumble upon the ruins of an ancient civilization with enough juice to keep him alive. The Projectionist and Harry Tanner I don't really care much about. And obviously The Engineer's nanos are already getting to work on bringing her back online.

"The End" bit made me nervous and sad so I looked up Stormwatch #19 to find that Peter Milligan's name has been replaced by Jim Starlin. Is Milligan just leaving DC? He's off Red Lanterns soon too, isn't he? Sad face.

Stormwatch #17

At this point, Midnighter is simply calculating the best way to die.

Except being Midnighter, he's apparently figured out a way to survive! He punches Apollo in the nose which breaks it but it also brings Apollo out of the fugue state that the Engineer had zapped him into. Once Apollo fires up, I guess he has the ability to fly out of Hyperspace. Perhaps it's only difficult to get into hyperspace (unless you're a Red Lantern and then you can simply tear your way in). Maybe to get out of hyperspace, you just have to aim toward Australia and fall.

See? Australia!

I don't know if Midnighter and Apollo broke up in Young Romance #1 by now or not. It really doesn't matter since Midnighter has been trying to break it off with Apollo for several issues now. And now that Apollo has shown that he doesn't trust Midnighter (why the fuck should he?!), Midnighter now has an excuse to make the break up stick.

But of course it won't! Especially now that it's the two of them against Harry Tanner and The Engineer. They're going to bond over trying to survive. And maybe they'll have to cuddle with each other to stay warm in the Australian desert. You know? At night! It gets really cold in deserts at night!

Before Apollo and Midnighter can begin cuddling, The Engineer tries to disintegrate them with a blast from The Eye of the Storm. I guess laser barrages also exit hyperspace easily enough when aimed at Australia.

Meanwhile on the Eye of the Storm, Jack Hawksmoor finally wakes up and decides to be a part of this fucking team. The only thing he's done so far is gossip with the occasional city. Maybe he's done some other stuff. He probably ran someplace really fast with his funny looking feet. But I'll have to keep being unsure of anything he's ever done in this version of Stormwatch because once again, he comes up empty. The Engineer opens up a teleport door and sends him to Brazil. The Projectionist jumps in after him.

Jack Hawksmoor needs to level up so he can simply talk to the Earth since it sort of acts as one gigantic city in space.

Back on the Eye of the Storm, The Engineer makes a command decision to wipe out all of humanity. Seems like a pretty good plan.

The Engineer knocks Harry down with compressed air. I think she's simply trying to humiliate him at this point.

So The Engineer has complete control of The Eye of the Storm and is going to use it to eliminate humanity. Jenny Quantum can't stop her because The Engineer induced some kind of continuous seizure in her. Jack Hawksmoor can't stop her because he's dying in the jungle. The Projectionist can't stop her because The Engineer isn't destroying the world with a blog. Apollo and Midnighter can't stop her because...actually, maybe they can! If they'd just stop arguing for a second!

I finally read the right comic books in the right order!

The person Midnighter is hunting down for help to defeat The Engineer is Zealot. Zealot was last seen naked in the bed of Deathstroke before he had to run off to fight Stillborn. Hopefully she's ditched that asshole's comic book since he never let her say anything anyway. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that remembers Zealot was fucking Deathstroke anyway.

And since Midnighter is recruiting new members for the battle, The Engineer decides to recruit a new member as well.

You don't say "reactivate"! You have to say OMACTIVATE! Duh!

Stormwatch #17 Rating: No change. Is Stormwatch trying to fill out their ranks a little bit? Does OMAC actually have a place on this team once The Engineer is returned to normal and Harry is defeated? I guess Zealot is a natural fit since she's a Wildstormian as well. I hope she's not too embarrassed for trying to date Deathstroke merely to have Liefeld forget about her once Deathstork Deathstroke had sex with her. I still don't know if I like Zealot or not because she's only appeared in a Liefeld comic so far and you can't judge anything coming out of that fucking mess. Well, you can judge Liefeld! But you can't judge any of the characters because Liefeld sucks at characterization. And art. And plotting.

Stormwatch #16

If Indigo-1's words of wisdom that rage and love go hand to hand are true, then this is the greatest love of all.

Harry Tanner has become the Fourth Man Shadow Lord and has turned all of Stormwatch against Midnighter. He had to do this because he knew Midnighter would see through his lie almost immediately. I don't know what Harry Tanner has told the other three Shadow Lords. Perhaps they're simply so far above everything else that they don't really care what happens with Stormwatch on a day to day basis.

And then Midnighter found himself bested by Grifter in Grifter's comic book where logic and rationality go to die.

While Harry has easily convinced The Engineer of Midnighter's betrayal and turned Apollo against Midnighter by making him believe Midnighter never loved him and was only using him, Harry really hasn't made an effort to convince Jack and Jenny of his lie. So I speculated last commentary that it would be up to these two to figure out the truth. And by the third page, they're well on their way.

Is that The Fox who was turned into a portal by Harry Tanner?

And then Apollo catches up with Midnighter and the greatest of all lover's quarrels begins! Apollo definitely has the upper hand because The Midnighter's offensive options are limited. He doesn't want to hurt Andrew, so he's going to have to play defense for as long as possible. But Apollo is fast and strong and thoroughly pissed off.

The Engineer and Harry Tanner have a discussion as they speed off to watch Apollo kill Midnighter. And that discussion is Harry Tanner's downfall because he treats Angie exactly like he treated her while he was breaking her heart. Apparently no matter what the disguise or how good the lie, an asshole is always going to be an asshole.

One thing that's hard to hide is the irritation caused by dealing with an ex.

Harry Tanner, Shadow Lord, commands Apollo not to kill Midnighter yet. Instead they all transport back up to the Eye of the Storm where Harry Tanner can execute Midnighter properly. Why do the bad guys always stop the thing they most want done simply so they can witness it or say a speech before it or some other silly reason that will delay it just long enough for everything to go wrong? You bad guys suck at being bad guys! Finally Harry Tanner uses his new Shadow Lord powers (unless these are part of his sword creation powers) to blast Midnighter into nothingness!

Now you want it done nice and quick! Also note that this is yet another shoot your own dog moment. A lot of that going on in The New 52 the last couple of months.

Before Apollo can get around to killing his man, Jenny Quantum appears out of a wormhole with The Fox. Nobody would believe Midnighter when he said the Shadow Lord was Harry Tanner because The Midnighter is a psychopath. But The Fox's burnt out villainous corpse is a bit more convincing somehow when it points out the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner. And if that isn't convincing enough, The Engineer explains that her nanites have determined that the odds of the Shadow Lord not being Harry Tanner are 350,000 to 1. So while everybody is now convinced that the Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner, it still might have been too late to save Apollo and Midnighter's relationship. I think the Midnighter is crazy enough to look past Apollo not trusting him and wanting to kill him. But I don't think Apollo will forgive himself as easily.

With the entire team against Harry Tanner, he doesn't stand a chance. Too bad the entire team isn't against him.

I guess the in-fighting is going to continue for at least another issue. The Earth is going to be destroyed while these assholes bicker amongst themselves!

The Engineer evolved during the confrontation with Harry Tanner, probably a result of her consuming the Neanderthal's Devolver in an earlier issue. Her evolution causes her to believe that Harry Tanner's vision of Stormwatch destroying super heroes is the way to go, so she turns on everybody else. Apollo and Midnighter retreat out of an airlock and into hyperspace.

Jack Hawksmoor continues to stand around ineffectually.

Stormwatch #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I know I normally frown on super heroes beating up on other super heroes but this really is a well done and special case. Harry Tanner has been an evil prick from the beginning so he's really a Stormwatch villain. And The Engineers sudden switching of sides would be annoying except everyone has really been waiting for her to flip out because of her consumption of the Devolver. And since most of my views and beliefs aren't based on a foundational set of ethics but on taking each individual case and weighing it on its own merits, I can let Stormwatch off the hook for fighting amongst themselves. For now!

Stormwatch #15

Dammit. I don't see Dex Starr on the cover! Next month then.

Last issue ended with a visit from a Shadow Lord. The Shadow Lords have decided that Stormwatch is no longer going to be concerned with alien threats. Their new assignment is to control or destroy Earth's super heroes. So I guess in some cases that's still being concerned with alien threats, what with Superman and Martian Manhunter and Blue Beetle and sort-of Green Lantern.

The Shadow Lords are sexist and misinformed. Hal Jordan is gone, idiots. And Wonder Woman should be there instead of Batman.

Harry Tanner might be the best liar across all space and time but his plan still has some pretty major faults. Just as he's trying to get DC to finally pit Apollo against Superman and The Midnighter against Batman, The Projectionist escapes his clutches and calls to Stormwatch to bring her home. And The Midnighter can already tell by The Shadow Lord's body language that it's Harry Tanner. Hey, Harry Tanner! I have some words of wisdom jammed in my head from a young age thanks to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!

"My teacher told me I should never tell a lie.
For a lie will bring you trouble, by and by.
It's an awful thing to do and it's true and true and true
You'll feel bad and then you'll start to cry!
You'll have a horrid painful pounding in your head.
Then you'll feel your face get hot and turn bright red.
Your heart will start to jump
In your throat you'll get a lump
And you'll feel so bad you'd wish that you could lie right down and die!
You're much better off to never tell a lie
Especially to The Midnighter!
So remember never ever tell a lie!"

I always thought it was the Mormons who also taught me to never refer to any of my friends as "Jewish" because that's prejudice. But it turns out that was from The Department of Health, Education and Welfare!

Or maybe it is okay to tell a lie because The Midnighter realizing this Shadow Lord is Harry Tanner and the Projectionist returning to the Eye of the Storm is all part of the plan! That stupid teacher in that commercial was way off base. Lies get things done!

The Projectionist tells everyone that Harry Tanner died when their Antarctic Base exploded. The Engineer won't take her word for it so she engages her brain directly.

It's simply convenient to pretend the brain stores files in MP4 and WAV formats for easy playback.

The faked conversation between Harry and Midnighter makes it seem like Midnighter doesn't really love Apollo and that he's ready to bring the whole team down.

Can I make a comparison between this comic and an earlier issue of Grifter for a moment? This is how you deal with two characters one-upping each other with their powers. The Midnighter is probably the most observant person in the DCnU. He can't be fooled. But Harry Tanner is the greatest liar and manipulator in the DCnU. So Harry works the Midnighter's ability into his lie so that his plan will be successful. Now it's up to Midnighter to somehow convince everyone of the truth. This is a well put together conflict. Back in Grifter, Liefeld simply had Grifter con Helspont and then Helpsont say, "I knew you were going to do that which is why I did this." And then Grifter said, "Yeah, but I knew you were going to do that so that's why I did this!" And then Helspont said, "Yeah but I knew how this whole thing would end so I put together a simulation to make you think it ended the way you wanted it to end but really I won and now I know shit about you that you don't know I know because I'm not really saying this last bit to you." Or something like that. It wasn't well written and thought out. It was just shifting reality back and forth to make it look like two characters were outdoing one another.

Dammit! Why am I still writing about Rob Liefeld's shit?! I'm caught in his trap. I guess if you can't be really good at something, you should always be the absolute worst at it. At least people keep talking about you! I always forget the mediocre writers and artists. I wonder if that was Rob's plan all along? To just be awful at his job but be a really likable guy so he always gets work. Although he might have fucked up that part of his plan by the way he tweeted his way out of the DC Offices.

I guess when you portray yourself as a bad-ass no-holds-barred son of a bitch, people are going to have some trouble believing you. Even the man who supposedly loves your psychopathic ass.

Instead of killing Apollo, Midnighter decides he should probably get away from the situation. He grabs The Projectionist and dives out a teleport door. He grabbed the Projectionist since she's the one with the memories that made him out to be a traitor. Even the Projectionist believes the memories in her mind are real. Although she realizes in a few minutes of conversation with Midnighter that he really is super gay for Apollo. So even she begins to realize her memories aren't quite adding up.

Harry Tanner, Shadow Lord, makes a visit to a science base near where Midnighter and The Projectionist appeared, murders everybody inside, and pins it on The Midnighter. Do the other Shadow Lords just assume this is par for the course for The Fourth Man? Or did Harry do something to them as well? Perhaps they're simply too busy doing nothing in Avalon to care about The Fourth Man and what he's up to. I bet he told them a great big lie to keep them occupied!

I think this means Dex Starr's revenge is going to be delayed at least another month.

Stormwatch #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Harry Tanner's plan really plays to the weaknesses of nearly every member of Stormwatch. I have a feeling it's going to be up to Jenny Quantum or Jack Hawksmoor to see through the lie and figure it out since Harry didn't really incorporate them into his plan. At least not as far as I can tell. Or not yet. He might have realized that Jenny is closest to Apollo so he wouldn't have to worry about her. But Jack Hawksmoor? He's kind of on the sidelines here. Maybe to figure out the truth, he'll contact the other Shadow Lords. Or Las Vegas. One of those.

Stormwatch #14

Apollo Unleashed? Erotic!

Last issue, Etrigan made his first current appearance in The New 52. And I can't wait to see what becomes of him. I hope he gets his own title in the Fourth Wave!

Etrigan is much stronger than I expected because he seems to have killed Midnighter with a simple backhand from last issue. Or maybe Midnighter and/or Apollo are better actors than I realized. It's not like I automatically assumed that they regularly took part in a community theater program. Well, maybe Apollo. But Midnighter is way too busy pretending to be Batman. Oh wait! That's acting!

I'm also a bit distracted while trying to read about Etrigan's reminiscence of his revolution in Hell because of an advert for the Red Hood and the Outlaws Trade Paperback.

All this tells me is that Popmatters will say anything and flush its dignity and respectability as a reviewer down the toilet simply to get a mention in a DC Comic book. Respectability. A small price to pay as a reviewer. Listen to a real literature guy with a stupid degree and everything: Red Hood and the Outlaws is HORRIBLE.

Anyway. See how literary I am? What a great fucking segue back into the action! Midnighter is down and unconscious and he probably seems dead because he can probably slow his breathing and his heartbeat way down to recover from blows like the one Etrigan gave him. And Apollo may have some pretty good fire power (especially when he's unleashed) but he's really no match for a guy that can spit hellfire.

So backup arrives.

Midnighter groggily gets to his feet because he wasn't dead. Surprise! But he also didn't do anything special to seem dead. It's just that Apollo is an idiotic drama queen.

By talking to the city, Jack Hawksmoor learns that Madame Xanadu was behind Etrigan's imprisonment and that the Demon Knights were somehow involved. So now he knows that Etrigan is one of Stormwatch's ancient enemies. Okay, so he knows something that is wrong. But it wouldn't be totally incorrect to refer to Etrigan as "Stormwatch's Frenemy," right? Especially now that Etrigan woke up so grumpy.

At least Etrigan will be sticking around in his new mortal home, the sensitive guy that draws crayon pictures.

Throughout the battle, The Engineer continued to act bitchy and on edge. She expects Jenny Quantum to keep up a dark radiation shield that will end up giving everyone in the area cancer but Jenny refuses. After the battle, she forbids any relationships between members of Stormwatch or she'll report it to the Shadow Lords. She also finds some old files on Etrigan in the system but all of the files are locked, something she's never encountered before. So that's not going to make her any easier to be around. And to top it all off, Harry Tanner has infiltrated the Shadow Lords as The Fourth Man and convinced them to fuck with Stormwatch in some way that won't be revealed until next issue.

And finally, the issue ends with a little soap opera drama.

If the soap opera took place in Arkham Asylum. "Crazy Days and Psycho-erotic Nights."

Stormwatch #14 Rating: No change. What started out as the exciting return of Etrigan simply petered out this issue. His return to the current DCnU accomplished, he simply was chased away to inhabit a new non-Jason Blood body. The Shadow Lords story moved forward a bit and more drama took hold of the relationship between Apollo and Midnighter. I'm not sure how Apollo could really argue with this development though. He had to have noticed that he's in love with a violently psychotic homocidesexual.

Stormwatch #13

Finally! Etrigan in modern times! Perhaps he's Vandal Savage's cellmate.

The cover makes it look like Midnighter is trying to stab Apollo in the face while Etrigan holds him still for him. I hope that's what is actually happening since judging by these angles, Midnighter is definitely not trying to stab Etrigan.

In the present, Etrigan is buried beneath a building known as Malory House. The apartment building has a reputation for being unlucky. Apparently "unlucky" is the polite British way of saying "horribly fucking evil." The occupants of this house seem to be killers and insane people. Or normal people living here simply go insane or disappear mysteriously or practice weird, cannibalistic habits. Maybe I shouldn't have said "weird" since that implies judgment and I wouldn't want to judge any cannibals unfairly. The apartment building was built upon the grounds of a past Victorian madhouse and, before that, the "hunting grounds of a Georgian-era killer called Bloody Ben." This would suggest that Etrigan was buried in this location no later than some time in the 18th Century. No wonder there has been no sign of Etrigan lately.

Whoops. Strike that last burial estimate. If he's beneath the "plague bones," he had to have been buried before the mid-14th Century. I think. Someone check the math!

If Etrigan has been buried for close to 700 years, that means that Jason Blood has spent the last 700 years in Hell. Fun! Unless, of course, he figured out a way to separate himself from Etrigan before that. Maybe Jason Blood buried this asshole and went on with his mortal life, passing on with all the other mortals hundreds of years ago. I'm tempted to dig out I, Vampire to see if they mention any dates as to when Cain encountered Etrigan and became cursed by the Demon Knights, but I don't think any of those stories were given specific time stamps.

A young boy in the building has been drawing demons on walls to try to get his mind off of the "naughty words" he mustn't say. He runs out of crayons so I suspect it'll just be a few more pages before he chants the Form of Man speech, possibly infecting himself with Etrigan. Perhaps Blood did find a way to break the curse. But it must have left the curse so that someone else saying the words would end up stuck with Etrigan. And now Etrigan is using his influence on this boy's sensitive mind to make this happen. Perhaps all these years, Etrigan's power and influence drew crazy and unstable people to live above him yet he wasn't able to manipulate those kinds of minds. But he's finally got a victim now that an apartment building has been built above him.

Nearby, Midnighter and Apollo are trying to take a relaxing night off at a London bar. But Midnighter can't relax since he's sensing the insanity and craziness infecting the people around him.

Okay, so Apollo thought they were taking a night off. Midnighter never takes a night off.

Meanwhile on the Eye of the Storm, Jenny is fiddling with the gigantic horn from Superman #1. And she's also interrogating Jack Hawksmoor to figure out why he joined Stormwatch. But she doesn't get very far before The Engineer shows up to chastise everyone because she's a strong woman that will make history. No, no. She's just being a total bitch. Jenny thinks it's because she swallowed the Neanderthal's Devolver. Hawksmoor believes she's just pining over Harry Tanner.

And speaking of Harry Tanner, he's off to fool the Shadow Lords into believing he's the Fourth Man.

Ah! Young love!

Far from the Arctic Antarctica or wherever Harry Tanner is now, Apollo and Midnighter are subduing all of the crazies surrounding Malory House. Midnighter just beats the shit out of anyone acting crazy without worrying about whether or not they're being influenced by something else. He just concentrates on getting the job done. That's why he's in Stormwatch instead of that pansy-assed Justice League with Batman always overly concerned with not killing anyone. Batman's plan would have been to spray Bat-lube all over the ground and encase everyone in a Bat-net so that nobody would be hurt too badly. Midnighter's plan is to knock out as many teeth as possible.

Eventually, their "investigation" leads them to the apartment of the sensitive guy coloring pictures and summoning demons. And he's all out of bubble gum.

Yes? Yes? Release the demon...?

Once this sensitive mind chants the words, Madame Xanadu perks up and pisses herself. The Specter (newly created over in Phantom Stranger #0) senses a disturbance in the force. And John Constantine cums in his pants.

And then Etrigan awakens. A sinkhole collapses a large section of Malory House. And in the dust, Midnighter sees (and smells) a confused, winged figure. He jumps at the chance to take it out and is laid out flat in one lazy backhand from Etrigan. I like Midnighter and Apollo but my loyalties are with Etrigan! Go for it, you crazy yellow bitch!

Oh come on! He was going to rhyme "incarceration" with "masturbation," obviously.

Stormwatch #13 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm feeling particularly generous simply because those damned Zero Issues are over. Also, this comic book was terrific. Paul Cornell and Peter Milligan have done a great job building the history of Demon Knights and Stormwatch. And it's issues like this that show what kind of payoff you can have when you build a solid title around believable characters and a great concept.

Stormwatch #0

The issue begins in the present in Hyperspace. Stormwatch has just pulled a strange alien creature from the space just outside our solar system. Or just on the inner outer border. It makes Midnighter feel uncomfortable and I think that's all the warning anybody needs to get rid of the thing. The creature looks a bit like a cosmic fly with a crocodile tail and a bouquet of eyes growing out of its head. I'd scan the picture instead of describing it but that would be a waste of about 967 words.

Meanwhile, Jenny Quantum is doing philosophical math poetry when she's visited by Adam One.

Maybe she's simply finger painting.

I don't know if Adam One is really back or not. Harry has recently gathered some technology to help him act as The Fourth Man so he may be using it to impersonate Adam One first. Or he could really be back since he's as old as the universe itself and can probably do anything he wants. Merlin is the only other person in The New 52 that is as old as the universe. And Merlin created Stormwatch. Adam One must have a relationship with Merlin but I don't think any of that has yet to be explored. Unless they're one and the same since Adam One ages backwards. But I actually hope they're two different characters. And rivals! Also, if there is an Adam One, maybe there's also an Adam Two. Oh! And an Adam Three! Whoa! Or even more than that because numbers can't be stopped.

Adam has returned to tell Jenny Quantum a story. He interrupts her "eleven dimensional multi-linear game" (so that's what she was doing!) because this story is very important. Let this be a lesson to you! Stories are more important than games.

Fuck. Let that be a lesson to me too. One I should have learned that time I was really in a down place, so I called out to Ganeesha to remove those obstacles that were keeping me in this perpetual state of gloom and depression. The very next day, my Xbox 360 got the red ring of death. Fucking asshole smart-ass elephant god. If I were one to believe in a higher power, I'd be Hindu now! That's why the Christian, Jewish, and Moslem Muslim God (all the same God, really. What? You think three different Gods spoke to three different Abrahams who all had two children named Ishmael and Isaac? Now that's faith!) have such strong prohibitions against idols. Because if you've got an idol in the house (my Ganeesha bamboo curtain (and statue (and elephant-carved television stand (and...and...and....)))) and you happen to be looking at it when you pray, you'll believe that whatever you prayed at made your prayer come true! Anyway, I think the lesson I was supposed to learn was games weren't as important as masturbation stories.

Footnote in the middle of everything explaining the strike-thru Moslem: I've been reading "The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night" and Moslem is the spelling of Muslim throughout the book. That is all.

Adam One's story takes place in Araby in 1013 CE. It is the story of the Century Baby of this age as she learns of her place.

I believe this is the first blatant mention that Stormwatch and the Demon Knights are one and the same. It was hinted at before when Merlin mentioned setting up an organization to "watch the storms" of coming conflict and disaster.

Since this takes place in 1013 CE, it may help fix where exactly in time the Demon Knights comic book is taking place. From the hints gathered so far in the comic book, it takes place 600 years after one of the falls of Camelot that already looked as if it took place somewhere in the Middle Ages. Then the Demon Knights met a man in Briton that had a Viking ancestor which made me assume the time was at least past 900 CE. But the list of ancestors the man gave sounded like his family had yet to mix with the Normans. I believe my vague dating of Demon Knights was "somewhere in-between 900 CE and 1200 CE." I guess when this old guy takes Princess Janeen to meet the Demon Knights, we'll see what the current line up is. I'm sure it won't be the same so Demon Knights probably takes place between 900 CE and 1000 CE.

Princess Janeen hesitates and refuses to join because, frankly, it sounds like work. Who wants to give up the life of a princess for a life of fighting threats to the world? Gag me with a knife! I don't think spoons were invented yet! But then something completely and utterly awesome changes her mind.

My guess is they have opposable penises to be able to build these suits.

The Princess's family had been mysteriously murdered a few months earlier. As an orphan, she finds a new family in the Demon Knights and helps stop the Fin Assassins with her super powers derived from the technology of this century: geometry and solid algebra. So is she Jenny Mathematics?

Aha! Same Demon Knights just light a few mortal members. So this panel doesn't help narrow it down any further. But I've got a much narrower idea of the Demon Knights time and place now.

I like the Fin Assassins for a lot of reasons but I think mostly they're another great Stormwatch threat akin to the Neanderthals. A threat that originates on Earth and not from space. Not that space threats couldn't have been happening the entire time man has been on Earth. But it makes a lot of sense that the majority of threats would derive from the planet.

More story ensues...

If Adam One wasn't being so wishy washy about whether or not he is the old man in the story, this would answer the question if he's Merlin. Also, I like that she's been named Countess Jenny when her power is Math. Good one!

Countess Jenny is sent off to that other place by Planetary The Shadow Lords for using her power irresponsibly. Merlin shrugs his shoulders and gets on with his life.

Later in 1347, the Daemonites make their first invasion of Earth. Adam suggests that the Demon Knights are already familiar with them which is a good thing to have him say since the Daemonites have been trying to capture Camelot for hundreds if not thousands of years by this point. But this must be their first full scale invasion and the first time the common man becomes aware of them.

Is this the main part of the Origin of Stormwatch? The name?

Sister J was the Century Baby of the previous incarnation of Stormwatch against the Daemonites. The power of her century was Faith. Later, Adam One tells the story of the 19th Century Baby, Jenny Freedom, an escaped slave in America. Her powers were light and steam. So she's the one I assumed would be called Jenny Steam! I think I like Jenny Freedom a little bit better. But just a little bit! And after I typed all of that, I'm going to go ahead and scan in the panel because it actually brought a tear to my eye. Remember when I said I was a pantywaist? Yeah, sometimes I speak the truth!

Jenny Freedom needs a fucking comic book of her own. Right now. NOW!

And then he introduces Jenny Quantum to Jenny Sparks. And again, I just have to scan it because it's too perfect.

Jenny Sparks combined the power of Electricity and Punk Rock.

Adam One tells this history to Jenny because Merlin had a vision hundreds of years ago when Stormwatch will turn on itself. The vision took place in a time with costumed heroes. That time is now and Adam One wants Jenny to be prepared. It will be up to her to save Stormwatch.

Oh look! There's that creature I described poorly earlier!

Stormwatch #0 Rating: Peter Milligan nails it! "UNH UNH UNH! TAKE IT, STORMBITCH!"