Batman and Robin Annual #1

Is this actually going to be an annual for the sake of an annual? No crossover? No continuing story?

[Edit after reading: This is one of those annuals that deserves to be purchased. If you've been curious about Batman and Robin but haven't been sure, I highly recommend picking this up instead of reading my horrible synopsis of such a loving portrayal of Bruce, Damian, and Alfred. Peter Tomasi has been treating these characters right.]

I would think DC would have dropped "The New 52" label about a year into the project because it's all they're publishing anyway, right? Even the Earth One books are technically New 52 stuff because they take place on one of the New 52 Earths, right? The only reason I can see for DC keeping "The New 52" label on their books is if they're planning on bringing back the old universe in some format, side by side with The New 52 universe. I have a feeling old universe stories will begin trickling in at some point, perhaps one shots in prestige format. Those books will test the waters to see how many fans are willing to return to DC with the old versions of their heroes. If they're successful, DC will put out a handful of monthly comic books without the New 52 label. Or if they're really ballsy, they'll just make one of the New 52 worlds the old universe and incorporate the old universe into The New 52 titles. They really should try that. Hawkman failed spectacularly? Fuck it! Make Earth 47 the Old Universe. Put out a new Hawkman title based in Earth 47 and just make him old history Hawkman. But DC can still fuck with it enough to not include any stories or history that might cause them legal issues. That's easy enough through exclusion. Just don't mention those things one way or the other and fans can simply assume they're still part of Hawkman's canon.

Although, seriously, I wasn't really thrilled with Old Style Hawkman either.

I'm more interested in a stand alone Batman and Robin story than the old Hawkman, but not by much. Non-crossover annuals (you know? The real kind!) tend to inhabit that weird space where they don't feel like part of the actual title because they're meant to be an introduction to curious readers or to spotlight new talent. But this issue is written by Tomasi who writes the regular issues and the art is by ex-Batgirl artist Ardian Syaf and Turds of Prey inker Vicente Cifuentes. So no new names. Looks like this artist team worked on Red Lanterns #0 and possibly some Batgirl titles together. I didn't do my research that diligently!

But it appears Damian has!

Yay! Bruce Wayne is going to go on a scavenger hunt! Although he's The Goddamned Dark Knight Detective so how fucking hard is a scavenger hunt put together by an eleven year old going to be? Damian's list will probably be things like "Punch a homeless person in the genitals" and "Shoot a Squirrel with a BB Gun" and "Piss on a Beefeater." Man, I hope that's what it'll be like!

And then there are the kind of annuals that are just fun to read. Thank you, Mr. Tomasi! This has already made me laugh!

Meanwhile not in London, Damian has remained in Gotham City to play Batman now that he's gotten rid of the grown ups! Figure that one out, Batdumbdumb! The first crime Tiny Batman goes to investigate is a robbery at a gas station. Some thing chewed off the nozzles and sucked up all of the gas.

Aha! A clue as to how insurance companies survive in Gotham! Looks like they have decent rates until you're a victim of a superhuman crime. And then POWIE! Your monthly rate goes through the fucking ceiling.

Back in London at the hotel Damian set them up in, Bruce and Alfred discover a still life painting by Martha Wayne with little Bruce's hand print on it. Thomas Wayne paid the hotel a large sum of money to leave it hanging in the lobby. Bruce never knew his mother had painted anything and now the hotel was giving this painting to him. Looks like Damian did his research very well. Or he paid off a bunch of people to fake up a bunch of old history! Oh, that was cynical of me. I'm sure Damian wouldn't do that simply to play around as Batman in Gotham City for a few days.

Later that night, Damian Skypes with Batman. I'm pretty sure Damian just blew his whole game though because he stands in front of a green screen so Bruce thinks Damian is at the next location. But even people who aren't anywhere close to being the best detective in the world can tell when someone is standing in front of a green screen! Stupid kid! He probably knows the concept of the green screen but, having probably never watched television in his life, doesn't realize how poorly it actually does what it's supposed to do.

Or maybe not. Perhaps Damian has superior Wayne Tech Green Screen Technology.

It's nice to see Alfred and Bruce just being Alfred and Bruce. Since the Kents are dead in The New 52, I don't know that there's a more intimate, longer standing relationship than the one between these two men. Bruce decides to let Alfred remain in London while he heads to Barcelona for Damian's next surprise. Bruce enjoyed finding the painting but it wasn't a punch to a homeless person's genitals, so I'm hoping for better in Barcelona.

Back in Gotham, Damian is out driving the Batmobile and stopping muggings when the Bat Signal lights up the sky. It doesn't take Gordon long to realize he's talking to Robin which is when Damian takes off to continue his investigation on the gas eater. I think Batman is going to be a little bit annoyed with all the explaining he's going to have to do when he gets back in town. Whatever is in Barcelona had better be worth it.

The reason Bruce is in Barcelona.

Batman's next and final stop is in Greece. Which means Damian has one more night as Batman to solve the mystery gas eater. Which he does. And it mirrors the beginning of the comic book which I didn't describe exactly. When the issue began, Batman caught a kid in a proto-type firebug suit and left him for the cops. Now Damian is busting the kid's dad in the real firebug suit and leaving him for the cops. Meanwhile in Greece, Batman finds a stone etched with the message "Martha, will you marry me? Thomas." And then it's time to meet Damian back at the hotel in London and ground the fuck out of him!

Ha ha! I knew the green screen would be Damian's undoing! Well done, Tomasi!

Batman and Robin Annual #1 Rating: I wasn't too excited about reading another annual but this one was really fun stuff. It was a true comic book's comic book! It's always nice to read a one issue story that simply has fun with the characters. Good stuff.

Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!

Batman Incorporated #7

It seems the only people Batman fights anymore are the citizens of Gotham: The Saturn Club victims, The Scarecrow's victims, The Mad Hatter' victims, The Joker's victims, Leviathan's victims. I know I'm forgetting some others!

Batman was falling to his death at the end of the last issue thanks to some giant tank of a Batthing created by Talia. Storming the location of Batman's imminent death was the gang of children seen on the cover. But not to worry! Robin was on his way to save the day! And by save the day, I mean give himself up to his mother to save Gotham and then beat the shit out of Talia himself after which she'll tell him to just kill her but he won't and that will prove that Batman has beaten her!

Except this comic book was written by Grant Morrison so I imagine that even a Master Comic Book Reader like me doesn't have the chops to figure out where his plots are going.

Of course you're too late! He was falling out of the building before you were even on your Bird-Cycles!

Batman does not hit the pavement before his kids arrive because he's snatched out of the air by a Manbat. And Damian is still nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he's behind the others because he's riding Batcow into battle with Titus at his side and Alfred perched on his shoulder. The cat not the butler!

Traktir and Spidra, members of Batman Incorporated, at Talia's Bio-factory in Yemen have located the corpse of a whale that died giving birth, apparently to Talia's new Batthing. Damian is still in the batcave like he was told. That's surprising! When is he going to ditch Pennyworth and get his ass back into combat? Perhaps he knows he pushed his father one too many times so far. One more time and Batman will drive Damian to Talia's front door and push him out of the Batmobile without even stopping. In the meantime, Damian has animals to take care of.

Vegetarians owning cats! Fucking hypocrites! Ouch! I just hurt my own feelings!

My cats must think I'm just a gigantic selfish asshole when I won't share my food with them. Although when I offer, they never want it! Unless it has cheese on it. Yes, I eat dairy. I'm part of the enslavement and ill-treatment of hundreds of thousands of dairy animals! But God made farmers, right? He wants us to partake of the fruits of the subjugated and oppressed! I'm actually not against eating dairy in theory. In theory, these animals' ancestors made a pretty sweet fucking deal with our ancestors to provide sustenance for protection and care. But like I said, in theory! Today, most dairy animals are very much tortured for the products they provide. I know better but I'm still too lazy to do my homework and only partake of cheeses and ice creams (that's pretty much it for my dairy intake!) from respectable farmers. Or actual farmers. I don't think you can count the people working the gigantic factory farms as farmers. So yeah. Some fucking vegetarian I am! Just as lazy as the meat-eaters. But it's a process! I'm still working on it! Enlightenment isn't like a curtain falling all at once! It's like a really long nap. Or hike. One of those.

I'm a sucker for panels depicting Damian playing with Alfred, so here's some more kitten pictures.

The scratches all over Damian's arm is a nice touch. I feel you, Damian!

Meanwhile shit is going down all over Gotham. Tim Drake is nearly blown up in a trap following Batman's Utility Belt tracer. Jason Todd is zapped by Hood who has decided Batman Incorporated is over and it's time to get the hell out. Nighwing and Commissioner Gordon are being attacked by mind-controlled children. Batman has been stuffed in a safe and tossed into a swimming pool. And Talia is about to unleash Otto Netz's Oroboro meta-bomb. Is it time for Damian to save the day yet?!

Awww! Who fucking cares? Look at da widdle adimals!

I guess Alfred Pennyworth cares!

Oh Alfred! Always covering your own ass!

Turns out Alfred doesn't have to cover his own ass. Damian has already hacked the security protocols and is able to do Bruce's voice so well, he fools the voice recognition locks. Alfred is duly impressed and promises to take care of Robin's pets while he's off to save The Goddamned Batman.

Batman Incorporated #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really should get around to reading Morrison's Preboot run on Batman Incorporated and Batman and Robin. It's just I don't have any time to read all of the shit I currently own! How do people do everything they want to do each week when they work 40 hours of that week? I guess if I made myself work forty hours, I'd earn twice as much but I don't think it would be fucking worth it! Although I could hire somebody to work the other twenty hours and pay them slave wages with no benefits. But then I can strut around saying, "I'm a job creator!" and everyone can congratulate me and slap me on the back and think, "There goes a true American hero!" Meanwhile my worker will get appendicitis and die. But that just means another job opening that I can fill while expecting the person filling it to be grateful!

America! Fuck yeah!
My cat Judas, the model.

Justice League Dark #16

She's probably still immortal; it's just that her age is now showing.

The last issue of Justice League Dark had the team arriving in Faerie while some really strange things happened to them. John Constantine suddenly can't lie. Black Orchid has been transformed into a Purple Swamp Thing. Madame Xanadu has undergone a reverse face lift. Deadman is literally a dead man. And Frankenstein hasn't shown any signs of change yet. Maybe he'll begin to decay throughout this issue. They've come to Faerie to rescue Zatanna and Tim Hunter. Zatanna and Tim Hunter have arrived in Faerie to help the fairies drive out the Technological Assholes that have taken over.

Luckily Deadman has practice at this being killed thing so the first thing he does is try to find his way out of Faerie's Land of the Dead. But while doing so, he runs into the keeper of the gates of the dead, Infernal Core!

Great! The entrance/exit to the land of the dead is guarded by some jerk created by reality television contestants. I hate him already.

Deadman escapes by tackling this jerk through the portal to the land of the fairies. And then the guy freaks out, screaming about how he doesn't belong here and he goes both ways and stop being so fucking insensitive! Then the Techno-Asshole jizzes all over Infernal Core who disappears in an explosion of blood. Unless it's fire. Whatever it is, good riddance. I'm glad they didn't spend much time with him since he was only here for a stupid reality show prize. Hey DC! Stop ruining my comics with gimmicks and publicity stunts! Or if you are going to do that kind of shit, save it for Superboy. Anyway, I'm kind of liking this Network Enforcer Vikar a little bit more now. That fucking Face-Off show just wasted six pages of this comic book, so the next fourteen had better be spectacular.

A few more pages are spent explaining to Tim why he's going to be the savior of Faerie. It's because his ancestor was the Faerie Champion, a wizard named The Hunter. If that's so, was Tim Hunter's father not his real father? He must have been because his DNA opened the Books of Magic. Perhaps this The Hunter was many, many, many generations ago and his ancestors escaped Faerie to live in the "real" world.

Oh Frankenstein. That's the cry of the loser! "How dare you keep your advantage over me? Lose it so that I can have the advantage!"

Network Administrator Vikar realizes that Frankenstein is a creature of pure science which explains why nothing strange has happened to him. Although that makes me wonder why Constantine suddenly couldn't lie. Perhaps the entire world has a Polygraph Induced Ethernet Wave cascading across it at all times. Constantine can't lie and doesn't even attempt any magic so Justice League Dark is eventually captured by the lone science guy. Yay science! Although his science is so advanced it might as well be magic. Yay magic!

Later, Tim learns of his ancestor's immigration.

So Tim Hunter is the savior of Faerie. Constantine, Frankenstein, Xanadu, and Deadman have been captured and taken to the technological capital city. Black Orchid has been left to die in the woods. Zatanna has no purpose. And the portal kept open by Dr. Peril on Earth is beginning to tear the two worlds apart. Perhaps Infernal Core will return to save everyone.

Justice League Dark #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. The drop in ranking is due to the fact that I just read a fucking publicity stunt instead of a Justice League Dark comic book. I think my whole mood while reading this comic book was upset by the inclusion of the Face-Off contest winner comic book character. It had no purpose other than to showcase it in a DC Comic book. In essence, the fans of Justice League Dark are subsidizing the prize for a reality show. Fuck you, DC. Normally I'd say you owe me ninety cents for the six wasted pages. But I think you owe me a full refund because those first six pages set the tone for the rest of the book.

Now if DC hadn't told me about the publicity stunt in the back pages of their very own comic book, I'd still be left wondering what the fuck that introduction of Infernal Core was because it goes nowhere. So at least I have a reason for that bullshit. Without knowing about Face-off, I would have just written this for the first six pages: "What the fuck was that about?!"

Talon #4

Anybody else sick of owls?

I figure it's only a matter of time before this blog makes me so famous that colleges across the country will be asking me to give a commencement speech for one of their dumber graduating classes. So I've been working on wise and profound material to shove into the heads of the newly forged and indoctrinated men and women of this country. It will be my job to prepare them for the real world in which they'll no longer have to choose between text books, beer, and food. They won't have any of them since all of their money will be going to pay off their student loans. I'm hoping that my first gig will either be at Yale or the University of Phoenix.

I thought I'd drop a rough draft of my Commencement Speech here in the Talon Commentary because nobody cares about the Court of Owls anymore, do they? Look, the Talon comic book is going to be about Calvin Rose fighting the monster Gotham Butcher. He'll nearly die but then he'll figure out a way to win and he'll defeat the Butcher in a way that leaves it possible for the Butcher to come back at a later date. That's probably the plot so I don't really have to read the comic this month, do I?

I know, I know! I keep shoving non-comic book related material into the beginnings of these commentaries, forcing you to skim past a whole bunch of bullshit before you get to the jokes about Batman that have been told thousands of times before by funnier and more literate people than me. What if I put a Batman joke into my Commencement Speech? It would then partially relate to the Talon comic. I can't make a Talon joke! Nobody knows who the fuck he is!

You know what? I don't want anybody stealing my material and using it for their Commencement Speech! So I'm going to keep it to myself for now. Of course if you were following my Twitter feed (and why would you? It's just a place I generally drop links back to here!), you'd already have read some of my best lines for the speech. So instead of boring you with a bunch of long words you don't know because I chose them specifically for people just leaving college, I'll just read this stupid comic book. But I won't enjoy it!

See? Calvin getting beat down. So, how about this advice for my Speech: "Continuously talk about all of the big plans you have for your future so if you get hit by a bus, everyone will remember you for what you were going to do and not how you just sat around playing video games all day."

The old man whose name I can never remember (I can barely remember Calvin Rose's name and he's the main character!) so I'll just refer to as Hobbes realizes that the new Talon about to kill Calvin is The Gotham Butcher. Old Man Hobbes is aghast that the Court of Owls would bring him back. Because the Court of Owls is usually filled with restraint?

Meanwhile the whole operation is headed down the toilet as the Talon Doorman, Mr. Black, realizes that the entire bank robbery with police involvement is a sham. They're all just stalling while somebody upstairs gets their hands on something more valuable than money. So probably health or love or better money. I can't remember what Calvin and his friends are actually after. I think they're after better money so Calvin can fund his operation and his girlfriend can fund her Asylum for Reformed Thugs and The Court of Owls can be forced into bankruptcy. But since I can't even remember anybody's name in this comic book, how can I be expected to remember anything else? And my Commentary for Issue Three didn't help! Oh! Because I didn't read it! I'll be right back with all of the pertinent information!

His girlfriend's name is Casey. The old man's name is Clark. And they are infiltrating this bank to steal all of the Court of Owls' funds. So I mostly remembered what was going on without having to reread my previous commentary. But see how confused I was earlier? That's the entire reason I began these commentaries! I knew reading 52 comics each month would make it really hard to remember what was going on in every book I was reading. That I'm hilarious too is just an added bonus.

Here's another picture of the Gotham Butcher about to kill Calvin. Here's more of my Speech: "Enjoy masturbation."

Sebastian Clark's surprising advice to Calvin Rose is to escape. I wonder if Calvin's greatest skill was juggling, he'd tell him to juggle? It seems like Talon isn't about fighting so it doesn't seem like he'd throw his life away trying to go toe to toe with the Gotham Butcher. He might though! This is a comic book and I've seen plenty of protagonists smart off when they're about to die instead of rabbiting for cover. Also, Calvin's arm is out of socket but I'm guessing that isn't going to matter much. What kind of an escape artist would he be if he couldn't yank his arm out of socket and easily slip it back in, right? That's like their go-to escape plan!

Calvin Rose escapes into the subway and gets away on a train while the Gotham Butcher watches it click clack away saying, "Oh...this is fun." It looks like Calvin Rose has a nemesis! Back in the bank, the little greasy manager realizes all of the Court of Owls' accounts have been drained and he's in a shitload of trouble. It's a good thing the Talon Doorman was frozen by Casey's men before they all got away. Now the manager has time to pack his pencils and move to Montana.

Apparently everybody should have moved to Montana because Sebastian Clark realizes way too late that a tracer was placed on Calvin's suit. And now the monster is knocking at the Asylum's door. I'm sure they've trained for this. Eventually Rose Wilson and Warblade and King Shark and Midnighter and Ra's al Ghul and Regulus and a whole host of other assholes will be knocking down this door too.

I'd rather read a monthly comic called "Gotham Butcher". More of my Speech: "Living like there's no tomorrow usually turns into long term health problems."

The entire Asylum begins evacuating except for Casey who needs to wipe the computers clean so the Court of Owls doesn't get all of their valuable information. And probably to keep them from getting their money back. But to do that, she has to remain behind and she'll be killed. But since Calvin would look like a gigantic douchebag if he allowed that to happen, he elects to remain behind as well and lead the Gotham Butcher into a trap.

Who's kidding who? He's a Master Escapadeliologist! He'll be fine! More of my Speech: "It's better to regret the things you did than to regret never having tried those things. Unless those things are wrestling bears and petting cats on the stomach."

Casey's daughter runs from the escape pod as the doors are closing and now she's loose in the building with the Gotham Butcher! Sheesh, Casey! Why the hell is your daughter living in an Asylum for Allegedly Reformed Thugs and Maniacs? Shouldn't you guys have an apartment and a nanny? That just doesn't seem like the best idea. I guess the entire Asylum is filled with families so they were all simply pretending to be a community and ignoring the overwhelming dangers of this operation. Well, the owls have come home to roost! Is that a saying?

Talon gets the Gotham Butcher into a tunnel that Casey collapses, filling it with freezing cold water from the Hudson River. The Gotham Butcher is swept away to return in a later issue. And now Casey and her daughter Sarah and Calvin Rose (who, surprisingly, escaped!) are heading to Gotham to battle the Court of Owls together. Awwww!

Talon #4 Rating: No change. See what I was talking about? I didn't need to bother reading this at all! It played out exactly as I said it would! And even though I am a Master Comic Book Reader, anybody reading comic books would have known how this was going to play out. It's the most standard of standard devices ever dreamed up by Stan Lee! Or Jack Kirby. Or Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster! Or Bob Kane! Or whoever fucking invented it! The only thing this story accomplished was destroying the Asylum for Reformed Thugs which sucks because I liked that idea. Casey does mention it will take a few months to get it back together, so maybe it'll be a new title in a Future New 52 Wave!

The Transimposterformers!

I know these don't transform into Giant Robots but check out the copy below.

More than meets the eye? Really, Transformers. Really?

Advert for shape changing cars from 1972 inside Jack Kirby's The Demon #1. I suppose they were a shitty toy with a great tag line! They even set it in bold they were so happy about it. And it was great since it lived longer than the toys!

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.