Justice League of America #2

I believe Catwoman has Katana's sword up her ass.

Now that we've gotten to know all about the members of the Justice League of America, it's time to see them in action! And by "see them in action", I mean punching each other in the face and bickering. I also wonder if Martian Manhunter has a Jones for Oreos in the Reboot.

Issue Two begins by making sure the reader remembers that the Justice League of America's main reason for existence is to defeat the Justice League. And it begins with the Scarecrow locked in a chair. Are they going to get information from a bunch of villains that will help them defeat the Justice League? Because David Graves the cancer-ridden author already did that.

Oh yeah! I forgot it was the bad guys that were hunting down the Scarecrow, not the "good" guys! The mystery man with the cane is interviewing the Scarecrow. I wonder if Super Villains have a website like Linked In where they can tout their skills and attempt to get a sweet Legion of Doom gig.

Mr. Mystery is going to summon Cthulhu?

Green Arrow tried to infiltrate the Secret Society of Super Villains as Dark Hunter but they sussed him out and nearly killed him with Professor Ivo's Justice League robots. Now Green Arrow is in surgery and being saved instead of being put out of his (and the reader's) misery. Trevor wants to know more of what Green Arrow knows before they attempt to stop the Secret Society of Super Villains but Amanda Waller wants him to prep the team and send them out without any information. Hey! That's how she runs the Suicide Squad! And people die all of the time (although they do tend to come back). You'd think she'd want to try something different with a bunch of heroes! But she's more interested in pushing Steve Trevor around than keeping the team safe, so Trevor goes to brief the team on their first mission. I don't know why they don't just bring Martian Manhunter in to read Green Arrow's mind and get the information they need. The leadership on this team sucks. Utilize your members!

Now I sound like a Porn Director!

Who said he was trying to look at your eyes? Sheesh!

At the first meeting of the Justice League of America, they all have chairs with symbols on the back indicating who gets to sit where. I have no fucking idea what Catwoman's symbol is or why Vibe thinks it might be for Captain Atom. It looks like a cotton ball with two lines through it. Maybe it represents a cat playing with a toy. Or a cat having sex with a bat.

Everybody is being prepped for their press conference to be introduced to the public. Except for Catwoman who must remain behind because she didn't dress appropriately. I'm also surprised that Martian Manhunter isn't being kept secret. It's not like anybody will know who he is anyway since he erased everybody's minds. They'll probably all just be afraid of the giant green man with the Oreo crumbs all over his face. Before they leave Catwoman behind, she has one last thing for Trevor.

I think this completes the circuit so that Superman basically kissed Batman. Superman--Wonder Woman--Steve Trevor--Catwoman--Batman.

Steve Trevor is manhandled by a legendary thief and he doesn't check to make sure he still has his wallet after this. Because he doesn't. As I said earlier, the leadership of this team sucks. Does he know what any of the members of the team are capable of? I don't think he actually read all of the files!

Inside the wallet, Catwoman finds a picture of Wonder Woman with Steve Trevor and she grows melancholy because she understands never getting to have sex again with a member of the Justice League. Fucking teases.

At the press conference, Stargirl gives a speech written for her by Waller's goons. The speech talks about Johnny Appleseed and how he was a selfless hero and humanitarian that helped shape our country with his selfless apple planting. I think the speech writer needs to read a fucking biography on Johnny Appleseed and stop spreading ignorant lies! Or it's an apt analogy because the Justice League of America also wants to be seen as heroes even though they have ulterior motives and selfish interests.

Meanwhile, Steve Trevor brings Martian Manhunter in to read Green Arrow's mind. Okay, so maybe the leadership isn't as horrible as I thought. And maybe Steve Trevor allowed Catwoman to steal his wallet so she'd find the picture so she'd feel a connection to him. Perhaps Steve Trevor is a super genius! Martian Manhunter discovers that Green Arrow fought against a robotic Batman. Although he may not have made the connection that this Batman was a robot since he simply tells Steve Trevor that Batman was there. I don't know who's playing whom in this drama!

Once Steve Trevor gets the information, he tells Green Arrow, "You suck!", and tells him he can't be on the team. According to the cover, I'm pretty sure that will change. But for now, the Justice League of America is off on their first mission! I wonder how many of them will die?

By the end of the story, none of them have been killed but several of them have disappeared, Martian Manhunter can't use his telepathy (of course!), and Steve Trevor's neck ends up in Robot Wonder Woman's noose. I guess I'll have to wait until Issue Three to see who dies.

The back-up story is an analogy about the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001. Starring some unnamed assassin as the terrorists, Martian Manhunter as the government, and President Obama as the American Public!

Justice League of America #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. The worst part about this comic is that every time Catwoman is on the page, I picture David Finch's boner as he was drawing her. I feel dirty!

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.