I, Vampire #19

Too bad Tig's body was used to bring Lilith back since Andrea Sorrentino is back in the credits! I could have had my adorable Tig back!

Armageddon was coming to the House of Mystery but since Constantine has the ability to move the House to whatever imaginary place he likes, Armageddon was at least going to be localized. This Armageddon was due to the fact that Satan got his chocolate in God's peanut butter. And yes, that was a sexual innuendo.

Speaking of sexual innuendo, I checked out Google Ads to see about adding them to this site and was declined because I have adult content. And by adult content, I mean I speak like a fucking adult without a crucifix up his Goddamned cunt. Hey Google? Guess who buys things? Adults, you stupid motherfuckers. When are we, as civilized people, going to stop judging words because our ancestors judged words? You don't have to protect children from bad words if you just up and decide that no words are bad. It's that fucking easy, people! And guess what would happen? The word "fuck" would probably drop in popularity. I'd probably replace it with "cramp". "I am so cramping upset, you mothercramping cramper!" Plus we'd automatically drop a whole slew of hangups that people wind up carting around their entire adult lives. Remember people: removing the negative stigma of words is not a slippery slope to worldwide genocide!

Unless it is! But I don't see how it would be since the people being slaughtered would probably be saying "fuck" and "shit" and "Goddamm it!" a whole lot more than the people doing the killing.

Also, for people that might think, "If we take away the negative connotation of swear words, what's next?", I say, "Why not everything?" We have a lot of taboos that don't have any reason to be taboos except for traditional and religious reasons. Most taboos are the hard candy in the bowl on our grandparents' table. Nobody eats them but nobody throws the useless things away either. It's time to throw out the big clump of humidity-welded hard candies and get on with being an adult civilization, people!

And now that I've told you all to be adults, it's time to get back to my comic book. Actually I should be getting around to making a very important phone call for my business but who wants to deal with that bullshit? I want to read about vampires.

Allow me to allow Mary to explain, in a very entertaining way, what's been going on:

So much to love here. I really like the dig at Andrew's ex-girlfriend and the callback to Cain's connection to The House of Mystery.

Sorrentino's art is used for the scenes flashing back to when Andrew first returned to Mary as a monster. So even if Tig were still Tig, she still wouldn't have benefited by Sorrentino's return to finish this book.

Just a moment as I imagine this is me and Tig.

Back in the present with the other artist, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr has decided to end Cain's reign of terror once and for all. Naked and pissed, she shall wreak fiery vengeance! That was not a sexual innuendo although I'm a bit curious as to how it might turn out if it was. She believes she will win because she's finally good and the only reason she never won before was because she was evil. Oh yeah? Perhaps the reason you never won, oh so great Bloody Mary, is that you were incompetent?

What actually ends up happening, as it always does, is that the two women (Lilith and Mary) begin fighting while practically naked and the two men (Andrew and Cain) also begin fighting while practically naked. It's the same old story since time immemorial. And every time, a bunch of people stood off to the side masturbating.

So in between reading pages of I, Vampire, I made my business call to speak with Steve. I spoke with Steve's secretary who said Steve would call me back. Eventually Steve called me back and then said he'd have to call me back after he spoke to his boss, Don. Conclusion? The unemployment rate isn't high enough! Apparently "Job Creation" is every time somebody at a place of employment thinks, "I don't ever want to fucking do that again."

While Cain and Andrew are fighting, Debbie Dancer comes up from behind Cain and chops his head off. I knew God marking Cain's forehead had a huge flaw in it! It's one of the first questions I asked when reading about Cain in The Bible! What if someone approaches him from behind to murder him? They can't see he's been Cursed/Blessed by God! Well, it doesn't work anyway.

Although now Debbie Dancer is cursed sevenfold.

If, in reality, this fight wouldn't be so terrifying what with the legions of Hell and the Wrath of God and the vampires and the green demon women and the decapitations, I'm pretty sure I'd be one of those bystanders masturbating to it.

Never you mind which couple I'd be watching.

Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr suggests that Andrew take Cain into the heart of the House of Mystery since it was built to be his prison. Andrew grabs Cain and propels him up through the ceiling to find that the House of Mystery has a far scarier Juris than the House of Secrets ever had.

And make him tell stories too!

Now that Cain has finally been punished to the backwaters of the DCnU and, perhaps in time, his own anthology series, Virgin Non-Bloody Martyr simply has to defeat Lilith and everything will be right with the world. Oh, and they might have to deal with that portal linking Heaven to Hell.

The Vampire Fighting Scooby Doo gang actually decide to do things topsy-turvy and close the portal first. And by Scooby Doo, I mean Mishkin. It seems once his master changed back into a good-two shoes vampire, Mishkin turned into a goody-two shoes vampire dog. Because dogs always do what their masters say. It's not in a dog to judge morality! Rolling over? Playing dead? Sicking balls? It's all the same to him if his master's voice commands it! So Mishkin knocks the Van Helsing's Accountant into the portal which closes it because it can only be closed by consuming the flesh of the person that opened it. I'd say that calls for a Mishkin Snack*.

*A small cow or human child. Unless Mishkin is no longer a Vampire Dog in which case it is an average sized postal worker.

Once the portal closes, Lilith loses her connection to the Material Plane and explodes out of Tig's mouth and eyes. Meaning that everything is once again right with the world.

Although my real crush was on Vampire Tig and I think she may have been cured of her beautifully sexy ailment.

According to the next page, Mishkin is definitely still a vampire dog. And Tig is still a sweet vampire lass. The only trouble is that she's partnering up with the stupid Magic-user Vampire that she turned outside Club Warlock. The Magic Vampire and Tig escape before they can be killed by Andrew Bennett's new Vampire Hunting Scooby Doo gang featureing Andrew as Freddy, Deborah Dancer as Velma, Virgin Non-bloody Mary as Daphne, and Mishkin as Scooby Doo. I guess Professor John would have been Shaggy if they hadn't killed him. That's okay. I'm sure Shaggy probably died of a heroin overdose in the back of the Mystery Machine at some point anyway.

It's too bad the Daphne part of the team has to rush off to the afterlife so soon.

Ugh. Adult content. I hope no advertisers are watching!

So apparently the Vampire Scooby Gang is a little short on members. But that won't stop them from hunting down Tig and the magic guy whose name I can't fucking remember. But that's another story. And this story ends with Andrew remembering how it wasn't he and his vampiric bite that turned Mary into the Bloody monster she became. It was when he disappeared and she was left alone with Andrew's father who raped her repeatedly. It wasn't Andrew that made Mary a monster. It was his father. And Mary's first act of bloody vengeance happened while she was still human, mere minutes before she became a vampire.

Would it be inappropriate for me to say that Joshua Hale Fialkov killed it on this final issue? Magnificent ending.

I, Vampire #19 Rating: +5 Ranking. This comic book gets bonus rankings for having a near perfect ending and for bringing Tig back so that she can have her own New 52 series in the future. Drawn by Andrea Sorrentino, of course! It's too bad that one of the best books in the New 52 was cancelled but they ended it really well. So here's to future issues of I, Vampire whenever DC decides to give it another go.

I, Vampire #18

This is not accurate! But I suppose Andrew cradling Virgin Bloody Mary's headless torso with her head resting by the UPC Label might be considered tasteless.

Once again, my stubborn brain would not let me come up with a word. This time it was "tasteless". So I googled "classy antonym" and got it! Ha ha! Fuck you, brain! Also, thank you, Lord Google, for propping up my failing intellect.

Andrew Bennett is currently a horrible, murdering, demonic villain of a vampire and yet he's gone all sad and emo when Virgin Bloody Mary was beheaded by Tig. I guess demons have feelings too. They're just usually squashed down beneath the sadism and the desire to squick everything in sight.

The story picks up with Cain about to pull his ancient love, Lilith, from a portal to Hell opened by Bennett and his buddies. Constantine has failed to stop him. Debbie Dancer is armed and ready to fight. And my beautiful, cute, perky Vampire Tig is being drawn like a monster.

I will never forgive you for abandoning us, Andrea Sorrentino! I hope you burn in hell with Green Arrow!

The narrator whinging on about love is Cain, the ultimate evil or something. He's the pre-vampire vampire, Master of All, First Murderer, Beloved or Cursed by God, depending on how you feel about the gifts of immortality and invulnerability. I guess this is a love story again! That's how it began and then it sort of lost its way but now it seems to want to end as a love story again. Unless it didn't lose its way and I just wasn't paying close enough attention. That's a distinct probability!

Cain isn't just bringing Lilith out of Hell though. Why waste a good Hell Portal, right? He's bringing forth legions of demons to give great ass pain to John Constantine. Although Constantine seems unflappable as usual.

John may be acting unfazed but I think he's secretly excited about this prospect.

Too bad nothing comes of it. The Legions never make it into the basement. Lilith never appears. And John just stands around casually telling everybody in the room that they suck at magic. Apparently using the stone from the Tower of Babel didn't just open up a portal to Hell. It created a portal linking Heaven to Hell. Constantine realizes this is going to be one gigantic cock up, so he decides it's time to leave. He figures the best thing he can do, being the master of the House of Mystery, is to send the House into an alternate dimension so that this fiasco doesn't leak into Earth's reality and cause a bunch of lousy crossovers.

Meanwhile Andrew Bennett and Tig turn into wolves and fight to the death. Andrew Bennett tears out Tig's throat while Joshua Hale Fialkov tears out my heart.

The last good guy left in the House is Debbie Dancer. So now she gets to face off against Andrew, Charles the Magic Vampire, The Van Helsing Accountant, Mishkin, and Cain. Maybe Mishkin will pull one of those Hollywood Dog Moments and recognize Debbie as his best friend which will cause him to turn on the other Vampires. Or maybe the other Vampires will all turn on Andrew once they realize he wants to destroy the world.

Or when Debbie is just about to die, somebody else will drop out of the Gothic rafters to save the day!

Oh Tig! Just don't die! I might be a shallow asshole who cannot love you right now, but I can wait until you're drawn by another artist!

Cain realizes that Bennett has become super dark and moody because he's now a repository for all the vampires that ever existed. Cain still wants to reunite with Lilith, so he releases all the Vampires from Andrew Bennett's body. They fly off as metaphorical bats and Cain finally finds Lilith.

For a green glowing gassy ball, she's pretty cute.

And then that jerk Cain does the dumbest thing ever. He uses Tig's body to bring Lilith back from the dead. I knew I hated this Cain jerk when I first saw him in Justice League Dark. I just knew he would ruin every comic book he appeared in and then ruin my life as well. Now instead of cute band-aided Tig, I have to deal with Lilith, Sorceress Whore from a Frank Frazetta painting. Should I like her? Even just a little bit since a trace of Tig might still be hidden somewhere behind the barely covered body of Lilith?

I'm sure Tig is under that slinky dress somewhere.

Now I have filthy pictures in my head because I said Tig was under that dress somewhere.

Hell begins to shove its gigantic, hate-filled, evil phallus up into Heaven's Portal and Heaven just can't take it. The Van Helsing Accountant disintegrates in the fiery backlash. Charles the Magic Vampire protects himself with the "Protecte" spell. Cain and Lilith hug. And Debbie Dancer hides herself and Andrew behind the shield she brought to the battle. Now that all the vampires have left Andrew Bennett's body, he's back to normal and regretting his recent actions.

He's also turned into Gob Bluth.

Andrew doesn't know how to close the Portal but he figures when in doubt, cast yourself in! He tries to hurl himself into the Portal in his attempt to save the world but he's bitch slapped to the floor by a naked woman stepping out of the conflagration. It's Super Virgin Bloody Martyr! She's come to save the world!

And insult Andrew's ex-girlfriend for good measure.

I, Vampire #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. That "To Be Concluded" note in the bottom is a little bit sad and means that this comic book just didn't have enough Batman.

I, Vampire #16

Is it time for another DC Origin story lifted directly from The Bible?

Last issue ended with Cain alive and well again. Not metaphorically alive and well as a vampire but really alive and well as a human child. At this point, I think DC has brought back more characters than it has killed off in The New 52. It's only a matter of time before Ted Kord is back with us! Currently the most unrealistic thing in DC Comics' history is that Ted Kord was killed and that was that for Ted Kord. Ralph Dibny immediately became a ghost detective after he died. Every other hero has been resurrected at least once. Hell has been shown to exist. Heaven has been shown to exist. Multiple planes of existence have been shown to exist. So where the fuck is Ted Kord? Is he the one person in all of DC Comics' history to simply wink out of existence? Even the people who simply winked out of existence ended up in Limbo!

I bet at some point DC releases at least one comic book called "The Preboot" or something like that. It will be like DC Universe Presents but tell stories of the characters that everybody bitching about the New 52 know and love. At first it will sell better than Batman but pretty soon everyone will start in how "it's not the same" and "DC isn't spotlighting the correct people" and "Why is Ted Kord still dead?" Although I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that will be asking the last question. The sales figures will drop rapidly and DC will cancel the title and that will be the end of that. This will happen because fans are never happy with what they get because it's never what they imagine or expect. The first issue should spotlight Amanda Waller walking past the gym.

Anyways, Biblical origin right on cue:

I need to learn a segue other than "anyways."

Cain explains how he wandered the desert until he found a dessert by the name of Lilith. He turned her into whatever he was (Pre-Jewish, I guess?) and they were married. In the Bible, Cain's wife (like Lot's wife and Noah's wife and probably many other wives) didn't have a name so Lilith is as good as any since it's dripping with slutty, evil meaning.

The name of this issue is "Nimrod's Son." I've explained Nimrod a few times already in my Action Comics commentary, so read those if you give a shit. I guess I'll find out why this is called Nimrod's Son even though Nimrod was the son of Cush who was the son of Ham who was the son of Noah and what does that have to do with Cain? I don't know if Nimrod ever actually begets anybody in The Bible.

Back in the Van Helsing's Secret Armory, Andrew and Tig and the new guy and the dog are looking for weapons to conquer the world.

Or just some brick to open the gates of Hell.

Of course the super secret armory in a super secret pocket dimension is full of traps because you can never be too careful especially when your enemies are an army of immortal blood-sucking bastards. The new guy sets off a trap and stone monkeys fly out of the walls to stop them. I might be ignorant of the entire Vampire Mythos but I've never heard of one of their weaknesses being flying stone monkeys. Although I might have the flying part wrong. And the monkey part. And possibly the stone part. It's hard to say since the artist isn't really trying to draw to reality or continuity anyway! One panel Tig gets her left hand seared off. Then in a following panel, it's there. And then in a subsequent panel, it's a stump again!

Luckily, that's the only problem with this book so far.

Meanwhile in London, Virgin Bloody Mary is getting sick of listening to Cain.

If only Virgin Bloody Mary were as cute as Sorrentino's Tig, I might fall for her too! Rowr! The attitude on this minx!

The next thing that happens is the only thing that could happen to a vampire turned human hanging out with the Biblical Cain in a pub in London: John Constantine arrives. He wants to help get the old, boring Andrew Bennett back because that bloke never felt motivated to do anything on his own. He was always just reacting. And John Constantine likes the world to be populated with those kinds of people. He shows Virgin Bloody Mary what's happening at Castle Van Helsing so she'll take him seriously.

What is happening at Castle Van Helsing? Andrew Bennett is beheading and murdering the mutant zombie leader of the Van Helsing clan. The brick they were looking for is from the Tower of Babel. It's powerful because it touched heaven. Now it destroys vampires and undead mutant Van Helsing leaders who touch it. I think Nimrod might have begun the city of Babel, so maybe that's where his son will get tied into the story.

After the Good Guys get tired of listening to Cain tell his story about Lilith becoming so enraged she became a monster and massacred a bunch of people and rumors began to spread and secret society was formed to kill Cain's children, they wander off with John Constantine because he knows where Andrew Bennett will be next. And then Cain disappears.

I guess Cain should be more immortal than even Andrew Bennett since he was the first. And if Cain dies, doesn't that mean all of the vampires he created die? I don't remember if that holds true. Anyway, it doesn't matter because Cain is still the same vampire he's always been!

Back in the Van Helsing's Chartreuse Room, Tig learns that her father the vampire hunter was turned and killed. She believes the Van Helsings killed him but everybody reading this book knows that Andrew Bennett killed him. But Andrew Bennett doesn't want Tig knowing that! So he tells her that John Constantine killed him. Why is Andrew Bennett such a murdering liar? I thought Vampires were supposed to be young, handsome, and charming? This comic book has vampires all wrong! Next thing you know, they'll try to tell me that Werewolves rip people to shreds instead of courting other people's girlfriends.

John takes the Good Guys to his House of Mystery so they can meet up with Andrew in The Chartreuse Room. But the House of Mystery is locked because someone else is pissing all over it trying to make it his.

Do vampires pee?

I, Vampire #16 Rating: No change. Scott Clark is a competent artist but I'm still pouting over the loss of Sorrentino. I guess I won't have to pout for long though since DC seems to be canceling this title due to stupid fans that don't know how to enjoy well-written comic books and can only enjoy comic books with characters from DC's cartoons. Fandoms are full of people in love with the idea of a character but don't actually give a shit how that character is being written. They just ignore the horrible stories and fill the pages they're reading with head canon and fantasy relationships. I told I, Vampire it should play up the romantic aspect more! Maybe set it in junior high! If a person's feels in life were graphed, Junior High would be the peak towering over every other time in their life. Except maybe college but the majority of those feels would be experimental.

I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig's face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG'S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy's shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn't look cute humping some guy's shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I'm surprised Andrew Bennett's boobs aren't bigger. I guess it's a good thing if Tig isn't drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What's with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew's ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn't realize he wants to be saved. But once he's saved, his good self will say, "Thank you for saving me!" But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn't want to be saved, doesn't that take precedence? It doesn't matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

Tig, Andrew, and their new mage decide to assault the castle of the Van Helsings. While doing so, the mage casts a spell in Old Portugese [sic] that says, "This is Runespeak, see?" Oh! I guess I can begin calling it Runespeak then since I was tired of calling it Old Portugese [sic] and having to explain how I wasn't the one misspelling Portuguese! So they begin fighting and I just have to say, I'm not feeling that special something toward Tig. I'm sorry I'm so shallow, Tig, but something has changed between us.

I'm just not drawn to you anymore. That's a pun!

It's not like my love for Tig was based on her personality or her charitable works or her skill with a crossbow. She's changed her look and now I've lost interest. I guess I'll probably be developing a crush on Green Arrow come issue #17!

The greatest army of vampires in the world and across all of history cannot stand up to one Vampire Lord, one Vampire Mage, one Vampire Sweetie-pie, and one Vampire Dog. If only they'd learned the spell "Zilwan," this fight would have been over in seconds. That's a Sir Tech's Wizardry joke! Look, if I have to explain my jokes, you're just not living enough! Sure, some might say they're not really jokes at all if they need a lengthy explanation appended to them. But I like to go the "blame others first" route.

Eventually Andrew encounters the boss of this level: the original leader of the Van Helsings who was ripped apart by Andrew twelve times already. Now he's been put back together and it looks like they might have added some extra parts because he's a giant.

They probably didn't know exactly which pieces were his in the big Utah Van Helsing Massacre, so they just shoved as much flesh as possible together to form this brute.

The brute might also be a hypocrite since what is he if not some kind of Hellspawn at this point? I don't think Heaven is exactly partial to necromancy.

Meanwhile the goody-goodies are gallivanting about England looking for the place where Andrew Bennett was turned into a vampire. Luckily for them, Andrew Bennett came from a noble family and they had a plaque erected directly on the site of his terrible carriage accident which was really just an everyday vampire attack. Maybe not "everyday" since the vampire doing the attacking was The First Vampire, Cain. Also luckily (unless this is more "preparedly"), Professor John knows enough magic to raise the ghosts of any who died on this spot. He manages to raise the ghost of Andrew's carriage driver.

The carriage driver calls Mary a whore and then screams "Unclean!" until he dissipates. They decide they're on the right track and head into Bennett's Woods. That sounds like a pretty promising place to find Andrew's place of death! What they find is something altogether unexpected. Or maybe not so unexpected. But he is supposed to be dead!

What's this world coming to when you can't trust a comic book death?

There are far too many Cains in the New 52. And by far too many, I mean one. But there's the hint of the other one since the House of Mystery is flying around. And there's the possibility that The Unknown Soldier is always an incarnation of Cain within a human body, sharing memories and experiences. So even though only one of those actually exists outside of my mind, it's too many.

Meanwhile back in Castle Van Helsing, the evil trio have fled from the Giant Undead Captain Van Helsing and found their way to the library. Here they find a book that isn't the Necronomicon and use it to teleport to the place Andrew was looking for.

Obviously the book has a vagina*.

I, Vampire #15 Rating: No change. I'm severely disappointed that Andrea Sorrentino has left this title to draw Green Arrow. I would hope that this was just a guest artist but I have a feeling that the quality of Sorrentino's art means he can only do one issue per month. It feels like he's going to be wasted on Green Arrow but what do I know? Jeff Lemire actually has some pretty grim plans for Green Arrow, from what little I've read. And Green Arrow does need all the help it can get. Maybe I should be happy for the title but I just lost my Sorrentino drawn Tig, so I'm going to go off and mourn for a bit.

*FWASH is the sound effect made popular by Supergirl's vagina when it explodes.

I, Vampire #14

This comic book used to have my favorite covers. They've gone a little bit downhill.

Last issue there was a cute little female vampire named Tig and an angry super vampire composed of every other vampire ever named Andrew Bennett and a half-vampire wood chopper named Deborah Dancer and an ex-vampire bad-ass named Bloody Mary and they were all in some kind of a Mexican Vampire Standoff.

Did I mention how cute Tig had become as a vampire? Am I getting young girl teeny-bopper vampire-love feelings for a comic book character? Is this how the obsession begins? No, no it isn't. Just thinking about these relationships between young mortal women and ancient vampires brings the bile to the top of the throat. Haven't any of these vampires read Lolita? Don't get me wrong! I don't think there's anything wrong with an 1800 year old vampire having sex with an 18 year old mortal. That's just nature! My problem is believing that an 1800 year old vampire would want to do anything else with an 18 year old! They must have the worst conversations ever. Neither one gets any of the other one's references. The mortal has a handful of funny stories that are exhausted in a few dates while the immortal won't fucking shut up about the Old World. Where exactly is the upside to the fantasy? And does the eventual, horrible, awful downside of the "relationship" ever come through? I think reading Twilight should evoke the same creepy, crawly, disgusting, out-of-control feeling that Lolita evokes. I think every copy of Twilight sold should have to be packaged with a copy of Lolita. Take that, inappropriate lovers!

At least Let the Right One In gets the manipulation right. Now that's the Lolita of vampire movies!
I'm going to shut up now! Where is my darling Tig?!

Oh Tig! The things I'd do to you! I'd make you feel so awkward and uncomfortable as I piss myself and fall into a ball mumbling, "Don't kill me! Don't kill me!" Sweet, sweet Tig!

That dirty whore Bloody Mary and her bastard cunt arrogant prick friend "The Professor" have barged into haggy Deborah Dancer's log cabin to try and kill my Tig! Oh, and Andrew Bennett. But who the fuck cares about that drag queen? Except that if he dies, that might kill Tig. So stay away from Andew too, you wanna-be vampire hunting shitstains! This comic book isn't about goody two shoes Mary and her eunuch John. This comic isn't about the good guys anymore. Although if Tig hadn't turned into a vampire, I probably wouldn't care who this comic book was about. Human Tig just didn't do it for me. But vampire Tig! Wow! She's just so...what are you doing? NO! Get away from her, you sluts!

It'll be okay. It'll be okay! She's okay, right? LOVER!

Andrew and Tig survive the conflagration without much harm. That's too bad because I'm pretty sure reading about Tig being near death and needing to be nursed back to health would really fire my imagination in a suitably erotic and ultimately masturbatory way. Having sex with a vampire is kind of like masturbation, right? About 1/3 masturbation, 1/3 necrophilia, and 1/3 pure terror! I once had a dream that I was fucking a vampire and I was holding her down against the ground as the sun was rising and the light was creeping closer and closer to her head. She turned to ash as I was still having sex with her. What the hell does that dream mean? It's pretty fucking violent. Maybe that dream means that I'm man enough for Tig! I bet she would have sparkly eyes for me if I told her that dream!

The fucking do-gooder duo and Deboarah Dancer run into the woods and away from the burning vampires. But they leave Deb's dog Mishkin to become Andrew and Tig's new traveling companion.

That's Andrew's dog. I hope Tig gets a cat.

Andrew, Tig, and Mishkin hunt down a hunter for dinner. I think that's some kind of commentary on something or other. Maybe it's just irony. Or funny! Whatever it is, it results in a cute picture of Tig eating her supper.

Falling in love with a vampire character makes me feel so young and vibrant and succulent!

What is it about male vampire characters that get their female fans in such a tizzy? I bet Anne Rice is kicking herself for making Louis and Lestat so gay. Just think of how many more millions of books she could have sold if they weren't so sexually ambiguous! By the time Tale of the Body Thief came around, Lestat was practically only into lemon parties! Is there something exciting about an elegant stranger biting you in the neck? Or does the excitement only come from the knowledge that the elegant stranger only wants to bite you in the neck and no other voluptuous trollops just above their heaving cleavage? I don't care who Tig bites as long as I get to look at her bite them seductively and maybe a little bit naked. I don't mean the victim should be a little bit naked! I mean Tig should be a little bit naked! Maybe just in her underwear with one side of her panties riding up her ass and one bra strap hanging down off of her shoulder so that the cup on one side of her bra is loose and you can almost catch tantalizing glimpses of that one boob's nipple as the cup shifts and slides. Um, the victim can also be naked too though. I don't care. It can even be a man. Especially if we're all in college!

I guess I should discuss the loser half of this comic book for awhile now. Bitchy Mary and less-than-manly Professor John are trying to convince Deborah Dancer to come to London with them. They have a stupid plan that's not even half-assed. It's more like two-fifth-assed. They need to track down Andrew's sire (can't! He's dead!) or maybe just find where Andrew was sired and recreate the moment. I don't know how this is going to change Andrew back but that's okay because they don't either. They're just basing it all on a hunch. They need Deborah because Deborah knows more about Andrew than all of them combined.

This is surprisingly insightful of Mary who has shown herself to be nothing more than a narcissistic shrew up until this point. A lot of non-previously-vampire people could improve a lot of relationships by learning this fucking lesson. Do you love the person the person is or the person you want the person to be?

While these assholes are off on their fool's errand, Andrew and Tig visit the punk bar Oblivion in New York City (as seen in Justice League Dark #0 -- Read 'em All Tess!). This calls for a couple of scans of my honeybuns.

Oh yes please do! Send her to the House of Secrets where my last comic book crush lived! Vampire Tig and Rain would make excellent BFFs!

Tig enters the club while Andrew waits outside and she begins hitting on some piece of crap magician at the bar. Ugh. He's such an ugly dildo! What does she see in him?! Why would she do this to me? Why is she taking him outside and into the back alley? Tig, please stop this nonsense. Get away from my girl!

Dammit! This is the way things ended between me and Rain! Some skanky, poorly-written douchebag with low self-esteem and great hair drives a wedge between me and my crush!

Turns out Tig doesn't really want to fuck this guy. Whew. I knew she wouldn't betray our love. She just lured him out into the alley so Andrew Bennett could proposition him. I mean offer him a job. I mean offer him a military job! This guy supposedly has more natural magic power than that twat John Constantine whose comic book can't even make it to issue #301. Ha ha! Loser! Bennett is looking for powerful people to turn into vampires to become his generals in the war against mankind. This warlock is the first member of an unstoppable army he's creating. And Tig seems to be the recruiter.

Look at the way she bites him! I would bleed so hard for her!

I, Vampire #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. Damn, I'm really enjoying this book. I'm back off the Vampire Wagon! Although when I declared I was never going to partake of any other Vampire thing a year and a half ago, I broke that promise immediately by going to see Concrete Blonde in their 20th Anniversary Bloodletting Concert. That was pretty vampiric. I have a feeling that Andrew Bennett is going to build this big, bad vampire army just to end up transforming back into his good self. And then his good self is going to have to battle Tig and this Super Vampire Army he's created. Serves him right. Also, I hope that happens and Tig kicks his ass.

I, Vampire #13

She kills things with cold blood! Like lizards and vampires and ex-spouses.

This cover is just crying out for a sitcom theme song.

She's Deborah Dancer!
Vampire Hunter
And part-time community college pothead genius as well!

Deborah Dancer!
Sold one of her kidneys!
And now she battles evil demon vampires from hell!

Deborah Dancer!
She may have Tourette's!
Or she may just have serious trucker mouth, who can tell?

Deborah Dancer!
Itinerant cutter!
She's a Californian Hipster New England Southern Belle!

Last regular issue, all of the vampires in the world were cured of their vampirism. The cost for this miraculous miracle? Andrew Bennett is now an all-powerful evil Vampire King! But at least Tig and Mary are okay!

Oops! I mean, at least Mary is okay! I forgot Andrew's first act was to eat Tig.

Since the Battle of Utah, Stormwatch has gone off to their own comic book because their cross-over tie-in sales booster appearance was over. Sure, a megalomaniac all-powerful vampire was still on the loose but what are they supposed to do about it? They have their own Goddamned problems to deal with! They shouldn't have even been in I, Vampire! Let the Professor and Mary Ann Seward deal with the problem. So Jack, Midnighter, and Apollo have left Mary Seward and John Troughton on their own in Boston.

Mary spends the majority of the comic narrating her little drama. She still thinks like a vampire. She can't quite grasp the reality of being human again. Until she's mugged. And then instinct takes over and she realizes her power never came simply from the blood.

I think being a vampire for 500 years helped a little bit.

Now that Mary's confidence has been restored, she's ready to hunt down Andrew herself. Not to kill him but maybe to kill to Tig, at the very least, for fucking her man. Not that anything has been mentioned about Vampire Tig and Vampire Andrew's relationship. I'm simply assuming that when a vampire of one sexual orientation converts a vampire they're sexually attracted to, they immediately fuck.

Mary is putting together a plan to find Andrew. First, hunt down Andrew's sire. Since Andrew's sire, Cain, was recently killed, that should be difficult. Although the search could lead them to the Unknown Soldier since he's the embodiment of Cain. Unless he's the embodiment of Abel and he's trying to gain justice for innocent people killed in conflict. But that doesn't make as much sense since Cain is the one withe the mark and the curse that he shall never be killed.

Part two of Mary's plan is finding an ex-lover of Andrew's that I know nothing about but I'm going to make a major leap here and guess it is Deborah Dancer. She's probably from Preboot history and all of the Andrew Bennett-philes wet themselves when they saw her on the cover.

Deborah Dancer's home: The Deep Back Woods of Maine. Three or four trees constitute "woods" in Maine.

Andrew and Tig pay Deborah a visit and Andrew throws out a little history to get Tig (and the new readers like me!) up to speed.

I dig Tig's vampy look.

I just pulled out the 90s Who's Who and reread the I...Vampire entry (see how the reboot version differs by replacing the ellipsis with a comma!). In the old universe, Deborah Dancer was a vampire hunter's assistant. She managed to kill Mary, Queen of Blood, although Deborah's mentor, Mishkin, was killed. Andrew also ended up dying although since he can never really seem to die, he resurrected later when some writer wanted to write a new miniseries about him.

John and Mary break in and stop Andrew before he can convert Deborah. Next issue, Deborah Dancer will save the day and then walk off into the sunset with sad music playing until she reaches the next town that needs her help.

She's Deborah Dancer!

I, Vampire #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. The art is still gorgeous plus they've tweaked the colors a little bit. It's still mostly a black, white, and red comic book but other colors are making slight appearances and it's exactly what the look of this comic needed. Unless I'm wrong and I've simply come to terms with the look and I'm making excuses as to why I thought the book looked so much better than usual! I think I like this comic book better when Andrew and Tig are evil and Mary is good.

I, Vampire #0

I've reached the saturation point with Zero Issues. I actually reached that point last week sometime but I've only just gotten to the point that I barely even want to look at them. Most of them were really good to decent for the first two weeks. Unless I'm remembering incorrectly. And then a whole shitload of them punched me in the balls and now I feel too weak to continue. I think this comic book reading pace is going to have to slow down for awhile. I should finish my commentary on Genesis and put it out as an eBook. Or maybe sell it on Lulu or something. Does anybody care if I just make up Andrew Bennett's origin? No? Okay! Here we go!

England. 1591. The first half of Edmund Spenser's The Faerie Queene had just been published. Andrew Bennett's lover, Mary, had been sent away by his father because she was lower class and unfit to receive his love homunculi (that's Elizabethan for sperm). He boarded a carriage to chase after Mary even though it was a dark and stormy night. Exactly the kind of night one expects to be told a poorly written story. So keep reading, my dears! Ha ha ha ha ha!

What the fuck just happened? Did I turn into the Crypt Keeper? Perhaps my mind knows better than I? Wait. I am my mind. So how could it know better when it's actually me? Although it isn't a terribly bad idea to write all of my I, Vampire commentaries in the voice of the Crypt Keeper. Or better yet: a version of the Crypt Keeper that can only tell shitty stories instead of scary ones! That seems to be what my mind, I mean, what I was getting at in that last paragraph. Maybe my plan to write every commentary in a different voice was a sound one after all? Or maybe I just need to go to sleep. It's fucking five in the morning!

Sorry, Andrew Bennett, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Or the next day.

Who cares what the last question was since your answer made no sense anyway.

Andrew Bennett finds himself in a horrible carriage accident. Trapped beneath it and stuck in the rain, Bennett is confronted by this nonsense speaking vampire. I think his name was Cain. That's the same name as the owner of The House of Mystery and the same name as the spirit of the Unknown Soldier! Is every mysterious, paranormal person in the DC Universe going to represent Cain? Maybe a few will represent Judas. I can't wait until one of them is the embodiment of drunken Noah. Cain proves he's an evil villain by telling Bennett his whole life story which I'll repeat here.

The Story of Cain, the Sire of Them All
By Grunion Guy

It was a dark and stormy night. Cain was cursed. That makes it sound like the Biblical Cain who was also cursed. Except his curse was that no man shall hurt or kill him. That sounds more like a blessing than a curse! People in the Old Testament were so confused! Like that time Noah was pissed off at his son so he decided to curse his son's son. Or his son's grandson. How should I remember? That book is totally confusing! I think this might be the same Cain as the Biblical Cain because DC Comics seems to think that by using Biblical characters to represent current characters, it infuses their characters with history and makes DC look interesting and postmodern. Unless it just makes them look modern. Or perhaps simply post. Whatever it is, it sure is something! If that something is done and tired!

So Cain met this woman and sucked her blood so that he could survive. But he loved this woman for some reason. Cain hated himself for being a total dick. Until the woman came back to life. Cain was super happy that his curse could bring people back to life. Again, not really a curse! Hello!? Cain and his woman made lots and lots of baby vampires until Etrigan didn't want that happening anymore. So he cursed Cain with a totally new curse. This new curse cursed him with the curse that if he cursed a person innocent of curses, Cain would be cursed with a totally new curse.

The End! I think. Whatever. I'm done rewriting this dumb origin.

Apparently Bennett was this innocent because Cain bites him and becomes imprisoned inside Bennett. I guess that's also why Bennett became a good vampire instead of a cool emo douchebag.

Well, that explains that! Although I think Biblical Cain is really making the rounds in The New 52.

After this, Bennett delivers a note to Mary and Shakespeare writes a sonnet about their love. Or something. Whatever. Fucking Zero Issues. Five left!

I, Vampire #0 Rating: I really wasn't paying much attention. I think I've lost my passion for hating comic books! Thanks a lot, DC's Zero Month!

I, Vampire #12

This cover holds no pathos or tension since it's been established that Andrew Bennett cannot die unless he chooses to die.

At the end of last issue, whichever protagonists were left were being overrun by a mob of Mummy Zombie Vampire Hunter Rednecks all yelling, "Reinforcements!" in unison. It was kind of ridiculous. Am I supposed to be worried that perhaps Tig or John might die? They just survived a plane crash and then a bomb exploding right next to them last issue, so I think they'll be okay no matter what happens. Mary isn't going to die any time soon since the entire comic seems to be a kind of never ending break-up between these two. Perhaps I should be worried for Stormwatch!

Jack, Apollo, and Midnighter have arrived to investigate the disappearance of an entire town. Jack felt it and apparently there was a lull in the protecting the universe game, so Stormwatch decided to head down and see what was up.

Midnighter is totally gay for Apollo, Jack. You know? Like how Portland is totally in love with Seattle? Except Apollo loves Midnighter back.

Apollo spots the residents of the suddenly vacant town a few miles away. He probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that they've all been turned into Mummies. Midnighter is just slightly surprised to find they're vampires.

Fuck basketball. Any sport where continuous fouling is part of a team's playbook should be considered a pseudo-sport. "Go in there and punch that asshole in the nuts to get the clock stopped! Hopefully he'll miss a free throw or two and we can get the ball back and get a three! Now go castrate that mother fucker!"

I just realized Stormwatch needs to be either really secretive while on missions or prepared to kill everyone on the scene. They no longer have Martian Manhunter to mindwipe witnesses. And the Projectionist is long gone so they can't manipulate the media into ignoring their exploits. I'm not even sure why they're dealing with this case except that DC Editorial probably demanded it. This isn't a threat to the world. It's just a big brawl in the desert. Perhaps Hawksmoor owed this town a favor. Also, I supposed Jenny Quantum is off doing homework. I bet she'd love all of this vampire drama.

Yeah, Jack! Trust him! His super power isn't knowing the plot to teen romance novels. His super power is knowing how to defend against and defeat any enemy he encounters. I'm pretty sure he's got this.

The vampires don't die from exposure to the sun but their heads explode when they bite Apollo. I kind of liked Apollo's plan to just let them all eat him. But what happens if one of the Mummy Zombies bites him? He's probably better off just sticking with the plan to kill Andrew Bennett.

Don't scoff at Lost Boy's rules! Earlier in the series, it was already established that was how it worked in this comic book too.

Even with a concentrated blast of Sunny D, Apollo can't kill Andrew Bennett. Bennett then mentions that he's trying to stop the zombies and Apollo instantly becomes his ally because comic books are only 20 pages now and what do you want? Pages of dialogue to make relationships believable or pages of zombies getting their heads cut off? Well DC doesn't care what the fuck you want so you're getting zombies getting their heads cut off!

I wonder if the editors at DC look at The Walking Dead and think, "You know what this comic book needs? Less fucking talking! Look at all of this goddamned characterization! What a waste of space. How come the zombies don't attack them every issue? How do they keep readers when the characters go ten issues sometimes without killing a zombie?"

This book has apparently decided that all Vampire Canon should just be thrown out. If you've heard a rumor about vampires, it's wrong! Pop culture told you something about them? Nope, different. Saw a vampire do something even in this reality? Hmm, you must have been seeing things. One of the things that seems quite different is how vampires are created. No transfer of blood. No consecutive nights of feeding until the victim is drained. Apparently all it takes is one simple bite.

Tig shows us how it's really done!

In the new DC Universe, Vampires act like zombies. And mummies act like zombies. And zombies act like zombies. And zombies zombies zombies. Zombie! Zombies? Yes! Zombies!

Once Tig is turned into a vampire, Andrew realizes that maybe he should get his friend John out of this dangerous situation. He grabs up John and flies to the top of a nearby mesa. Mary and Stormwatch join them to discuss zombie killing plans.

All DC's secret organizations suck at remaining secret. And since the loss of J'onn and The Projectionist, you might as well just give up on the whole idea.

So Stormwatch and a couple of ancient vampires can't figure out how to kill zombies but a bunch of crippled, tired, lost civilians in Walking Dead manage it every day. Maybe it's easier to deal with zombies when you have a gigantic rotating cast of characters, none of which are plot immune to being killed.

Midnighter suggests that since Andrew Bennett was once known as The Demon's Lock and once housed an ancient evil inside himself, that maybe he can do it again. Andrew agrees and he absorbs all of the evil magic infecting everyone in the area. Tig and all of the townsfolk and all of the vampires from earlier and all of the Van Helsings are instantly cured. Andrew has absorbed the magic that changed them. And one other person was devampirized: Mary. The only real problem with this solution is that all of the evil magic absorbed by Andrew Bennett has turned him into a raging, super magic, evil son-of-a-bitch Vampire Lord. And he's hungry. Or horny. It's hard to tell. Even in sign language it's practically the same movement!

Tig is the first course! Or first new vampire. Again, depending on if he's hungry or horny.

I, Vampire #12 Rating: No change. I was really losing interest in this title quickly. Most of this issue, I just couldn't wait to be done. It was definitely heading down the charts. But then Mary was turned human and I think that could actually move this comic book in the right direction. The Andrew becoming evil plot twist doesn't matter quite as much because I'm sure that'll be fixed in no time. But hopefully Mary will remain human. That should kill the incessant return to the "I love you so much but why won't you be evil like me" Mary Seward plot. Now it's gone all reversy time!