Justice League of America #5

Lobo!

Some people might be able to come up with one or two convincing arguments as to why this book is worth reading but the only one I can come up with (and the only one you need) is that Lobo is in it. And not that fucking piece of shit Twat Lobo that Cullen Bunn disgraced himself writing. That was the worst garbage I've ever read on a printed page and I've read at least one page of Twilight and most of The Bible¹. Twat Lobo was Lobo if you took away everything that made Lobo interesting and replaced it with something really fucking stupid and then said, "There we go. That's Lobo! The dumb idiots who love Lobo won't know the difference! Boy, people who liked Lobo truly were dumb, weren't they? I bet they don't even notice! Just think of all the fucking morons who will actually prefer this version! Ha ha! Jerks!" Twat Lobo was some asshole at DC Comics thinking, "Lobo should still be a genocidal maniac but one that has a better back story than that he just wanted to be unique. He needs to be some kind of prophetic figure! He needs to be a sympathetic figure caught up in the forces of destiny out of his control! Oh, and what Millennial is going to fall for his heavy metal biker attitude? That went out of style before Lobo was even popular! But they'll love him as a total twat!"

People who liked Twat Lobo are beneath Trump Supporters on my list of people I would never have breakfast with. And I love breakfast!

Here's me at the height of my love for Lobo twenty-four (HOLY SHIT. TWENTY FOUR?!) years ago:

Notice the shirt? Lobo! Notice the eyes? LSD!

This issue begins in Penn City where somebody dropped a Buddhist Love Bomb in a garbage can. At least that's what I think is in the garbage can based on the first three panels. The bomb is the head of some poor bastard with a grenade strapped in his mouth in the way that your lover straps a ball gag in your mouth before your lover pegs the fuck out of you. Also strapped to the bomb's head is a lotus flower. That's why I'm guessing it's a Buddhist Love Bomb. I just now typed "Lotus Flower" into Google to see if I maybe shouldn't just be saying "Lotus" and Google's predictive text added "bomb" to the end of it. Holy shit, is that a real thing?! No, no. It looks like it's a rap song by Wale featuring Miguel. Remember that bit about how old I am? Yeah, never heard of that song.

Later, the Justice League of America has decided to give a press conference to basically say they're better than the Justice League and more in touch with the common people and probably way more patriotic in that they have "America" in their name, in case you missed that part. Batman does not attend because he's a public relations nightmare. He would probably just tell all of the reporters that their questions were stupid. Oh! Is Batman's secret identity Sean Spicer?!

Vixen tells everybody that the JLA used to call their base the "Secret Sanctuary" but that that seemed way too pedophiliac for their liking. Plus, if a reporter heard that before they had claimed it at this press conference, it probably would have cast suspicion on their organization. So instead, they're opening up the front half of the mountain to the public and calling it Mount Justice! People should feel free to come by to file complaints and drink some free coffee and possibly be seduced by Lobo.

Duh, Lana Lang! That's practically the definition of America! Although Vixen left out the "according to our own interests and with complete disregard to the will of the populace of the country we're sticking our noses into" part.

Ben Rubel, Supergirl's rival and future fuck interest, points out that according to the rumor mill, Lobo has taken "countless" lives, so why is that maniac on the team? Most of the other reporters have previously hit puberty, so they already know the answer to that question. It's easy to forgive somebody for genocide when you want to fuck their alien brains out. Vixen says Lobo will save one life for every one he's ever taken. That's impossible! I bet even if he single-handedly saves every life on Earth from some massive comet or alien invasion, he still won't be close to saving a life for every one he's killed! Hopefully he can save the same life multiple times and it will still count.

Olivia Ortega, some reporter from Gotham who isn't Vicki Vale for some reason, asks why Batman isn't at the press conference. Vixen says Batman stands by whatever she says instead of saying, "We're in Rhode Island, honey. Gotham is not in Rhode Island. Duh." I think I'd be as bad as Batman at press conferences.

Oh ho! What a clever retort, The Ray!

I guess Frances Rock is Frank Rock's granddaughter. I bet her high school clique was called "Easy Company." Sex joke!

Nikos Aegeus (otherwise known as simply Aegeus) got his start in terrorism when he met a blind and crippled Bellerophon² who gave him the means to tame Pegasus and a quiver of Zeus's thunderbolts. Now he sells weapons created from folklore! That sounds exciting! Plus, it shows he respects rap music enough to realize it's impact on folklore and culture. Unless he thought up the Lotus Flower Bomb due to some other story from The Bible that I don't remember. I mean, it could be from somewhere else but like I said earlier (or later since it's in a footnote), The Bible has all the stories in it.

Aegeus is currently attempting to sell a bunch of wacky weapons to The Whispers gang from Gotham. And since it's still dark, I'm guessing it's not yet tomorrow (which is the only day Ray pointed out everybody doesn't work under Aegeus's terrorist threat. I suppose the day after tomorrow, they'll get back to it).

Oh, so Batman can maim but Lobo³ isn't allowed? What a fucking bat-jerk.

I guess the plan is for Lobo to beat up all of Aegeus's men (carefully, so as not to maim them, of course! Lobo is totally known for being careful!) while the rest of the team have coffee and cakes? That sounds good to me! More Lobo! Less all the other dimwits!

Lobo accuses Batman of being a dick and Batman is all, "I don't have to explain myself to you!" So Lobo is all, "Cool, cool." Then he flips Bats off British Style and walks off to do his job. I hope he kills a few people every job and hides them before Batman can see and Batman, thinking Lobo's "honor" keeps him from doing all sorts of stuff Batman never actually specified in the beginning of the deal, lives in enough of a state of denial to keep from noticing. But then it'll come out that everywhere the Justice League of America has been, bodies begin turning up buried all around the places they battled! Then Superman will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Alfred will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And Vixen will be all, "I told you this was a bad idea!" And the government will be all, "You are an accessory to these murders and are sentenced to life in prison!"

Lobo beats up some bulldozers and then breaks into the Mayor's Office where Aegeus and his men are holed up.

Uh oh! I think that constitutes maiming!

Lobo is suspicious of Batman's reasons for bringing him on the team. My guess is that he's the team hit-eater. You send him in first when you're unsure of the weaponry of the enemy and then figure out a plan based on how badly Lobo's body has been damaged by the attack.

Lobo greets Aegeus with a great line I'm not bothering to scan. Lobo's met with a spear to the chest which drops him to his knees because it's covered in a poison that halts regeneration. Oh no! Is that all it's taken, all this time, to kill Lobo?! Seems like a bit of a cheat. Like how almost everything nowadays is immune to Green Lantern Light. It's always about negating the thing that's too powerful instead of coming up with an imaginative way to make the too powerful thing interesting in terms of story. Although, really, this is kind of clever because Aegeus is using ancient weapons from folklore and, apparently, this poison was used by Heracles.

While Lobo and The Atom (he was hiding in Lobo's underwear) deal with Aegeus, the rest of the Justice League of America chastise the residents of Penn City. They also give them some hope that they'll drive the main employer out of town and then Batman will cut them all checks so they stop acting like criminals. Or maybe Wayne Industries will just set up a weapons manufacturing plant in the city himself since the citizens all of experience crafting weapons now. And Batman doesn't mind weapons being created as long as, like America, he's in control of them.

Lobo gets blasted out of the Mayor's Office and into the park next to the Justice League of America where he reports that he failed and is probably dying. Then he points out that Aegeus's army hasn't been destroyed and they're right behind them flying in on a battalion of chimeras. I guess next issue, everybody will be killed by chimeras.

The Ranking!
I know Lobo won't die. But I'm just going to point out that if he did happen to die, or he just happened to be removed from the team, or if he in any way stops appearing in this comic book, it will no longer be the best comic book that DC currently publishes. It will, in fact, be the worst one because I will punish it more harshly than I'd punish a comic book written and drawn by Rob Liefeld with a back-up story by Ann Nocenti.
_____________________________
¹Okay, that was a cheap shot. The Bible actually has some quite beautiful poetry in it. It's just that the people who believe it's more than it is that make me want to shit all over it. Plus, everybody who is interested in Western Literature needs to fucking read The Bible. If you don't know The Bible and you think you understand every book you read or every movie you watch, you need to think again. You're almost certainly missing several themes and allusions and references to biblical stories. Hell, you even need to know The Bible to understand Bugs Bunny's biggest contribution to insulting asshats.
²I highly recommend John Barth's Chimera as well as pretty much anything written by John Barth. Although some of his books seem a bit too much like work so you might want to start with his shorter stuff which will get you intrigued enough to slog through the really long shit. Although I'm not sure if Giles Goat-Boy was really worth the effort I expended on it. Although I did masturbate a few times to the scene with the summer dress. Woo boy! Good stuff! I wonder if I should attempt to read The Sot-Weed Factor again or just reread The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor?
³What's up with Lobo's hair? He looks like Bon Jovi! This is getting perilously close to another version of Twat Lobo!

Midnighter and Apollo #6

You know what question DC will never answer (probably because it's obvious and doesn't need to be answered)? Which one is the top.

The Review!
Well. I'm happy to say I was wrong on two counts: that DC wouldn't answer that question and which was the top.

Although I'm sure Midnighter is a versatile bottom.

Also, if you ever tell anybody I was wrong about anything involving comic books, I'll have you killed. The Grandmaster Comic Book Reader title doesn't mean I don't make the occasional mistake. It means I have a license to kill uppity back-talkers.

Then this happens!

Didn't they learn anything from their time in Hell?!

I think what Midnighter and Apollo learned in Hell was that nothing there has any power over them. They kicked every ass Hell could throw at them and survived. So that's how you survive Hell! If you're going to kill people in this life, you'd better learn to be the best killer of people you can be! Then when you wind up in Hell, you'll be better at killing than everybody else in the place. You'll fucking own that property! Although if Midnighter and Apollo really went to Hell because they fuck each other knowing full well that it won't produce a child then they'll still fucking own the place. Not only are they the most efficient killers in the world, they also enjoy some of Hell's major tortures!

Midnighter in Hell: "Oh no, demon with the humongous erection! Please don't fuck me in the ass until I ejaculate!"

Although maybe the devil is smarter than I'm giving him (or her!) credit for. Maybe Midnighter's Hell will be having to eat pussy.

Isn't it weird how one person's Hell is another person's Heaven? I wonder if it's possible to exchange identities with people in Hell. If so, I need to find a gay friend who looks sort of like me and also know they're going to Hell! We'll totally exchange identifications on the way in and get the "tortures" reserved for the other person! I should also find somebody who hates all the food I like, just in case one of the tortures of Hell is playing Spoons.

After it's all over (see that kiss? That was the end! After they escaped Hell! Did I forget to mention that? Now it's time for the denouement! Unless it's spelled differently which I don't think it is because Spell Check didn't underline the word. Maybe Spell Check doesn't know the word and is just too embarrassed to admit it doesn't know it so it decided not to underline it even though it's spelled wrong!), Midnighter and Apollo have dinner at Extraño's place.

I wonder if Gregario ever fucks Hugh in his pouch?

I admit it! I totally had to look up what a therian was! Even Spell Check doesn't know!

Before being interrupted, Apollo was telling a story about fighting a Red Lantern or something. I think that's to remind everybody that Midnighter owes Dex-Starr a rematch!

After that, Midnighter and Apollo fuck. But only in the reader's filthy imagination!

The Ranking!
No change! Other six issue mini-series at DC can learn a thing or two from this series. It utilized its entire six issues and told exactly that amount of story. Nobody pitched an idea for a story and then discovered the story could be told in two issues so then had to insert a bunch of bullshit that didn't matter into the other four issues. I may or may not be looking at Marv Wolfman's Raven and Marc Andreyko's Death of Hawkman. I mean, Death of Hawkman could have been one page and I would have happily purchased it! As long as that one page was what the title said it was. Anyway, this is how a six issue series should be written. If DC is going to demand six issue stories so they can be released in normal sized trades, fucking get the writers to write enough story for those six fucking issues, you dull-witted bastards.

Detective Comics #952

The Bat Gang versus an army of Talons! I mean shadow ninjas!

Are we really still a society that is fascinated with giant apes? I feel like the 20th Century was America going through its twelve year old boy phase. We were into rockets and giant monsters crushing cities. The seventies and eighties were the discovery of boner magazines. The nineties were like a full decade spent hyped up on sugared cereal while watching Saturday morning cartoons. And then we hit the 21st Century and things had to change. Nobody wants to keep on being a twelve year old boy forever. But we were totally into playing soldier at that time, so we couldn't change yet! Just one more decade, mom! I felt like maybe we were growing once Obama became president (well, some of us. One particular ideological political group insists on remaining twelve year old boys. It sucks they're in charge now). I thought maybe we were going to mature into a woman that just turned twenty-one. Oh, sure! There are some issues that go along with that too! But at least we wouldn't be obsessed with boobies and monsters and war and giant apes, right?

Ugh.

I really don't get the fucking appeal of King Kong. Maybe Hollywood really is just a seer's crystal ball spamming portents of the future into the minds of the masses. This is just proof that the twelve year old boys are back in control and we're all fucked.

This reminds me. I should probably send out letters of apology to everybody who knew me when I was twelve. I don't know how I wasn't just slapped across the face constantly.

Yesterday, I experienced two moments that brought me unbridled joy. I heard Ookla the Mok's song "Viewmaster" for the first time. And then while walking back from the store (where I'd heard the song on my Shuffle), I watched as three crows followed the mailman from house to house to house down the block. I fucking love crows. But because they're birds, I often forget and leave them out of my lists of favorite animals. I usually just say cats, goats, and raccoons. Poor little corvids always get left out.

The Review!
For any fangenders wondering how powerful the League of Shadows are, they can stop wondering because James Tynion IV opens this comic with proof of how bad-ass they are. Not that it was needed. If you're a comic book reader, you know how it works. The current threat is always the most dangerous threat ever to be faced ever and will only be out-threated by next month's threat. It's why comic book story lines have escalated into this untenable place where every fucking conflict has the fate of all reality at stake. Okay, maybe it's not always that great. I mean, this is a Batman comic book so things need to remain a little more at street level. What Tynion does to prove the League of Shadows are a threat like no other the Batman has ever faced (aside from the Court of Owls but you should forget about them because they were New 52 and this is Rebirth and, anyway, they're nothing at all like the League of Shadows!) is to have Ra's al Ghul track down Shiva and practically beg her to keep her League from killing his League. But she's all, "No way, French name that rhymes with Jose because we're in France!" So Ra's attacks her with a small army.

Now, you might be thinking, "Whoa! That is bad-ass! Even Ra's's League of Assassins can't beat the League of Shadows!" But if you are, you've jumped the gun! Because that isn't the part that proves how dangerous Shiva's League is. It's the page after the small army attacks Shiva!

Holy shit! She defeated the small army in ten seconds! Whoa!

Oh, also, Cassie is Shiva's daughter. I'm not sure if we were already supposed to know that or not. It's news to me! But then the story could point out that Tim Drake died recently and I'd be all, "Oh? Did he? I really wasn't wondering at all or caring about where he got off to."

Back to the present where the Bat Gang have been ambushed by League of Shadows Sleeper Agents, Tynion reminds everybody that Cassie Cain is the baddest ass motherfucking bad ass ever ever. Even badder assier than Shiva (whom, if you remember from a few seconds ago, he just showed was a complete bad ass!). I'm using the phrase "bad ass" so much that I might be overdoing it. I'm certainly not being consistent with it being hyphenated or not.

Cassie defeats most of the Sleeper Agents in one panel. She also knows that she's being watched. People know that's not a thing, right? You can't actually feel being watched. You can notice out of the periphery of your vision that it looks like somebody is staring at you but that's not the feeling of being watched. That's noticing somebody is fucking watching you. The "feeling of being watched" is a feeling that exists not because somebody is watching you but because you're fucking paranoid. And if you look up and around and make eye contact with somebody (who noticed you looking around and so glanced over), you feel vindicated in your paranoid feeling. Oh, but this is comic books! In comic books, you can totally feel you're being watched otherwise heroes often wouldn't be able to advance the plot. They'd just beat up all of these Sleeper Agents, dust off their hands, and say, "Well! That's that! Good work, everybody! Let's end this adventure and go home." Then the reader would be all, "Why is this comic book seventeen pages of ads?"

Cassie might be doing okay because she's the best that ever was, having been born and bread into killing. But the rest of the Bat Gang are having trouble, what with being stabbed in the back and in the front even.

Don't worry! None of these people will die from these wounds! Although if they do, not Batman's fault! They should have found better doctors. And even if the medical bills bankrupt them and the only way to continue to exist is to continue a life of crime and they die trying to get out from under their medical bills by any means, still not Batman's fault. And it's not like it's Batman's fault if they die from an infection since he sterilizes all of his batarangs before sticking them into the chests of criminals. If they die from an infection, it's their own fault for wearing grimy clothing.

While Clayface turns into a bunch of Clayfaces to defeat the League of Shadow Ninja Sleeper Agents, Cassandra Cain sneaks up on Shiva. That's another bit to bolster Cassandra's reputation. But just in case the reader is too dumb to understand what it means (being that the reader is a comic book reader and probably of below average intelligence), Shiva says, "Nobody sneaks up on me." I don't think she means that in an offended way like "How dare you sneak up on me?!" I think she means it literally.

Shiva and Cassie fight for a bit until Shiva grabs her by the throat and does that thing where a comic book character mentions something they shouldn't know about but obviously do because they're so remarkable. Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" Meaning she knows how every time the reader sees an assailant from Cassie's perspective, they have little hit boxes around their most vulnerable places. So Shiva is all, "I know you see the hits!" As opposed to just saying something like, "You aren't hitting me in places that would actually hurt and possibly kill me. Why are you holding back?" No. She says, "I know you see the hits. You see each of them, don't you?" Because that's the way Cassie's vision is shown to explain it to readers, Shiva expresses it in the same way.

Whatever. What do I care?! This is the kind of thing that is written in a way that completely annoys me at the most superficial level. But it's the type of thing that, when you complain about it, fangenders will argue around the actual thing being said to explain how it makes sense. Like I just did. We allow it because we understand the bottom line. We understand what is meant by this. Shiva fights Cassie and realizes Cassie is holding back. But I don't care that we, as readers, can become lawyers for the writing so that we ultimately understand it. I still think the writing shouldn't be a fucking barrier to me enjoying the comic.

But never mind all that! That's hardly a complaint at all, really! My real complaint is that this is another fucking comic book dealing with killing versus not killing. I'm so sick of that philosophical debate being the backbone for so many fucking stories. It's practically 90% of the television show Arrow (the other 10% is Oliver fucking every female character on the show because why else would a female be part of his world if he wasn't fucking her?). It keeps cropping up in The Flash TV show too, even though Barry is the least likely person in the DC Universe to kill somebody. He's such a putz! And the stink of the constant and never ending philosophical debate is all over nearly every comic book in the DC Universe. Now we've got Cassie Cain trying not to kill anymore (mostly because she feels bad about killing Spoiler's mom and because Batman won't ever hug her again if she kills) but her mother, Shiva, is all, "You're pathetic! Killing is the best!" Anyway, I guess I get to read more of this shit in this Court of Owls story. I mean League of Shadows story!

Batman comes to the rescue after Shiva gives Cassie the Five Fingers of Death (which isn't as sexy and incestuous as you're definitely thinking it is). It's a move that gives Cassie thirty seconds before she dies. I know that move! I also know a move which gives the victim one week before they die but I need a VHS tape to pull that one off.

This is another great way to make a character more powerful than the reader remembers. Just pretend they always lost on purpose in the past. Now Shiva is suddenly Batman's greatest foe and he didn't even know it! Surprise!

Shiva tells Batman she could kill him but she doesn't because she must be weak. I thought killing was good, Shiva! Later, when you think back on how Batman kicked your ass and destroyed your League of Shadows, you're going to regret not killing him! Just like superheroes constantly regret not killing villains and then I have to read another fucking story about whether or not they should kill! If you're into killing, you should fucking kill, dum-dum.

When the League of Shadows disappears in the proverbial smoke bomb, Batwing and Azrael go with them. Oh darn. Too bad. I'm so upset.

Could you tell by my punctuation and short, terse sentences that I wasn't really upset at all?!

Oh, meanwhile? The Gotham City Police want Batman's head for the murder of Mayor Hady. So that's another cliché Tynion is forcing down my throat. No, I say, no! I don't want this! I don't consent to another story about how a hero is framed and turned into the enemy because the police are ignorant barbarians who are easily manipulated into hate and violence. We have enough of that in the real world.

Later, Cassie gets a hug from Batman. That should make everything better.

The Ranking!
-1! Too many clichés for my tastes. And I generally love them!

The Atom Rebirth #1

Time for the Atom without a military rank.

I've never read a Ryan Choi comic book other than Convergence (which, as I've noted before, doesn't count. Convergence never counts. It was awful and the only part of DC's vast continuity that I completely and utterly reject). Even if I had been reading comic books when Ryan Choi emerged on the scene, I would not have read a Ryan Choi comic book. Not because I'm racist (although I probably am, being half-white and half-Spanish with the ability to pass as full white so I'm just fucking white, okay? I mean, I know some Spanish like mal niño and cállate and pedazo de mierda thanks to the things my Grandmother used to scream at me. What I should describe myself as, since it totally gets to my DNA makeup, is Californian) but because I hate the character The Atom. You might be thinking, "Didn't I just read this commentary?" No, no! That was Captain Atom! I also hate him. Maybe I just don't like science.

This issue begins with Ryan Choi moving into his dorm room in college. Just his luck, he winds up with a roommate who will be his super-villain nemesis, Adam Cray. I don't know what super-villain he will be but isn't that how these kinds of stories work? He'll probably be The Atom's opposite which is probably Elemental Jerk. That's opposite for reasons I don't have time to explain right now.

I took rugby in college. Never went to a class and was too lazy to do the paperwork to drop it. I got a B.

I say a lot of untrue and exaggerated stories for effect and for the joke so I should probably amend the above caption with "True story." Apparently the rugby coach simply gave everybody on his roster who came to the final an A and everybody else on the class roster got a B. My friend Soy Rakelson got an A, the little responsible kiss ass.

Ryan Choi's only class that matter is kinematics. That means something scientific, possibly the study of the movement of cows. Whatever. The class isn't the important bit. The important bit is that the teacher is Ray Palmer. He's normal white male heterosexual The Atom. I added the normal there to piss you off. Sorry about that.

This is a lecture class on the first day. How the fuck does Professor Palmer know Ryan Choi's name? Fucking pervo stalker, probably.

Even by the end of the semester, a professor never knows every student's name in a lecture class. Here's how they decide which students to take an interest in and whose names they'll learn. After the first big test or essay assignment, they make a note of all of the students who said intelligent things on their papers. Then the next class, they'll say, "I'd like to put a few faces to some of these names." Then they'll read out a bunch of names of the people who impressed them and remember who they are so they can call on them for intelligent discussion and ignore all the other blockheads who turned in shitty assignments. Now you know why your teacher never remembered who you were!

Another way to be noticed by your teacher in a lecture hall is to go to your Children's Lit class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland carrying the bloody, cut off head of the white rabbit. Again, true story. A lot of students had to ask me what the costume was. All of my teachers knew instantly. Except my Creative Writing professor. She was blind.

One year later, Ray Palmer decides to question Ryan Choi's motives for studying science. That doesn't seem like the purview of the kinematics professor but then maybe he's also a counselor or dean of something or other. Also, he might just be a pervo stalker who wants to experiment on Ryan Choi. Because who will miss the student from Hong Kong with no nearby family when the miniaturization process disintegrates him?

Ryan Choi is all, "I just want to not be asthmatic!" And Ray Palmer is all, "I think there's more to it than that! Like how you've allowed me to get all of these science awards on the back of your genius!" I'm starting to think Ray Palmer has a serious ulterior motive to his stupid question if it's that obvious why Ryan Choi is pursuing science. Because he's Goddamned fucking great at it?!

If any of my professors had ever gotten this intimate with me, I'd have dropped the class and/or slept with them.

Instead of contacting the colleges head of human resources to report Ray Palmer's stalkery attraction to him, Ryan Choi says, "I want to prove to people that small penises matter!" And Ray Palmer said, "Did you say small penises?" And Ryan said, "Things! Small things matter!" That's when Ray Palmer says, "You're ready! I told that fucking Batman that I could get a sidekick too! But he was all, 'Nooooooo waaaay! Who wants to be with Tiny Man?! Not even your stupid ex-wife who is going to kill Sue Dibny! Unless that has already happened. Or will happened. Or...you know what? Who cares? Nobody cares about you, The Atom!'"

Ray Palmer reveals himself to be The Atom. He also reveals his mission statement: to beat up those fucking butterflies before they have a chance to cause a hurricane. I knew he was a pervo stalker but I guess he's insane as well.

Even though it's totally weird and crossing a personal line between teacher and student that probably shouldn't be crossed (although not quite as bad as the line Adam Strange crossed with Alanna), Ryan Choi accepts. He'll be a sidekick! And, eventually, the main hero when Adam Cray destroys Ray Palmer! I guess Adam Cray is going to become Butterfly Guy.

A year later, Ryan and Ray go out to celebrate. They have some alcohol but Ryan points out the only drink he's not allergic to is Poire Williams. I don't know what that is but I think I have the Asian Flush. I often get intensely sick from sinus shit with just the smallest amounts of alcohol. But not always which is why I constantly tempt fate. I wonder if I should assume a whole bunch of things and now believe that drinking whatever Poire Williams is will solve my problem! I'll test it out and get back to myself!

A week after the drink with Ryan Choi, Ray Palmer disappears. Sometimes people disappear and it's nearly impossible to find them. Finding a guy who can shrink to microscopic sizes when he disappears? Super impossible to find him! Luckily, Ray Palmer left a video message for Ryan detailing exactly where he went. He found a microuniverse lying within a tear in the temporal nanostructure of the timeline. That must be where the Preboot Universe is! Or the Pre-Crisis universe! Or the other Pre-Crisis universe! Or the Post-Pre-Zero Hour universe! Or maybe it's just where Ray Palmer dies since Ryan doesn't find the message until a full week after Ray disappears. At least Ray left Ryan an Atom Belt so he can take over as The Atom after finding evidence that Ray Palmer was consumed by microscopic protozoa.

The Ranking!
It was a Rebirth issue! They're all kind of the same. But in that context, this was one of the better ones. Ryan Choi and Ray Palmer are now back in the DC Universe, even if it is only the Rebirth Universe. I'm sure it'll be all of the universes soon enough, after the Watchmen are defeated and everything coalesces back into one sort-of-cohesive-if-you-squint-funny universe.

Detective Comics #942

This is how the world ends: swallowed by a vagina with teeth.

The Review!
Some of you are probably thinking, "Oh sweet Christ, Tess! Have you ever seen a vagina?!" That's a personal question that I don't have to answer! Also, "vagina with teeth" isn't redundant, right? No! Don't answer that! I want to be surprised!

Remember that one time Nightwing drove his motorcycle up the side of a building and nobody went, "Fuck you, DC Comics!"? Remember that? Remember how you all just sat back and shrugged your shoulders and thought, "Sure. Okay. Whatever"? Remember?! Because this issue is your fault for not making a fuss! This issue is on you! YOU! Stupid Batman comic book written by Steve Jerkorlando and James Jerkon IV. The last five parts were bad enough with the Japanese Godzilla monsters running all over town doing less damage to Gotham than the Teen Titans do to New York when they go out for a slice of pizza. But this issue is all, "Oh! You think you have a great poker hand with all your hearts and clovers and Jacks and Jills?! Well, let me up the ante and bluff and other poker lingo! I'll show you what a great poker hand looks like!" And this issue does! It shows you a great poker hand! But only if you remember that "poker hand" is analogous to stupid, idiotic comic book moments that are so much worse than Nightwing driving a motorcycle up the side of a building that I just declared bankruptcy on my sanity.

First, DC Comics had Green Arrow hunt down YouTube stars for no reason and nobody said anything because they're intellectually lazy. Then, DC Comics had Superman date Wonder Woman and, well, I mean a lot of people said stuff but it's not like it helped or anything. Then DC Comics had Nightwing ride a motorcycle up a building and nobody said anything because they were too busy shrugging their shoulders over the quality of the comic books. After that, DC Comics put out five hundred Harley Quinn books per week and everybody was all, "Is this diabetes?" And then they finally put Hugo Strange in a Batman suit so he could sit on a throne of psychology books as he psychoanalyzed Batman using kaijū and there was nobody left to speak out for some reason. Also, this isn't the worst part of this issue!

By the way, Hugo Strange's Batsuit is a "Suicide Suit" which will blow him to pieces if Batman so much as stabs him in the face with a batarang. And since that's Batman's go-to move, Batman's totally stymied! I guess Hugo Strange hasn't read Batman's Book of Reasons Why It Wasn't My Fault That the Criminal Died. I'm fairly certain that Batman can rationalize how Strange's death wasn't on him after Batman beats the crap out of him. I can already think of several! "I didn't hear him when he warned me! I mean, you know, I'm sure that that thing I didn't hear was him trying to warn me. But I didn't hear it! Can't prove I did!" Here's another one: "He chose to wear that suit when he knew the first thing I would do is put a Batarang in the air! It was already flying at him when he told me about the suit! His own fault! Should've known better!"

During Hugo Strange's Standard Supervillain Declaration of Intent, he uses the term "cro-magnum". Is he punning?

If I were writing this comic book, the first panel on the next page would be Batman saying, "What's a cro-magnum?" Then Hugo's whole scheme will fall apart as he blubbers and grows increasingly frustrated, insisting that he most definitely did say Cromagnon!

So the next worst part of this story is how the Bat-family battle the huge fifth psycho-mind monster (which must represent Batman's urge to sleep with his mother, right?): they each step into the cockpit of one of the Wayne Towers which have turned into battle stations. Whoever said an intense sense of paranoia coupled with a boundless imagination could move monsters? Was that Mohammad? Because he was right on! Batman made the ultimate Rampage Defense System! I might not know who said that thing I just made up but I do know who said the thing that will help in this situation: Vyvyan of The Young Ones! "This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence."

Actually, it's almost as if Steve Orlando planned this whole story based on hearing Vyvyan's quote! I mean, Vyvyan was talking about catching some dirty socks that had escaped the hamper. But I think even though this story is off the charts comic booky, having Hugo Strange sick dirty socks on Gotham to defeat Batman is a little too Ambush Bug off the comic book charts.

Lucius Fox never quite got around to building the Voltron System into the towers, so the Bat-Family don't get to merge them into a giant attacking tower robot. That's too bad. I would have been back on board if only the comic book had gone so far past my suspension of disbelief that I couldn't believe it, thus creating a double negative disbelief loop which would cause me to totally buy into this story. Instead of Wayne Voltron, Nightwing decides the way to end this monster is to dive into its mouth. But only after he realizes that this monster represents Batman's ego! You know, I've often thought to myself in those quiet moments when the technological world isn't slowly eating away at my psyche and inner peace, "Batman's ego probably looks like a hundred foot monster with a tooth-filled sphincter for a mouth."

Batman defeats Strange by having Clayface encompass the floor of the building Strange and Batman are on so that they eventually run out of air. Hugo collapses to the floor and, presumably, dies due to the "thump" of his Suicide Suit hitting the floor. But Batman doesn't have to take blame for that one! How could Batman have known Hugo would fall over when he ran out of oxygen?!

Oh yeah. And Nightwing survives because the monster vomits him out before it reverts back to its regular size.

Later, the Justice League come by to help clean up Gotham which is like the most unbelievable part of this entire story. They can't think up an excuse to get out of this work? It's not like Batman ever invites them over just to hang out! He always wants something. What a Bat-jerko.

The Ranking!
0! Here's something I don't need to read ever again: an evil villain psychoanalyzing a superhero whom they know only through that hero's public persona! I guess it's fine this time because Hugo Strange is a maniac who doesn't actually know how to do his non-super-villain job. So it's okay if he makes sweeping generalizations and Evel Knievel sized leaps of logic and monstrous assumptions while mistaking them for a brilliant bit of psychoanalyzing. Also, I mean, this finished much better than the rest of it. Except Hugo really should have died. I guess his Suicide Suit was just a bluff!

Detective Comics #941

What about the Monster Women? Fucking sexist bullshit.

The Review!
The various battles between the Batfamily and the Monster Men continue this issue with a little bit of forward progress against one, a little bit of backwards progress against another, and no progress at all against the third one. Batman and Batwoman make no headway against their giant Hydra-Gryphon. They spend most of the issue just asking the others how they're doing. Gotham Girl manages to kill Dick Grayson's Monster Man which is more of a Monster Woman seeing as how it's having babies all over the place. But after killing it, the Monster's gore and ichor get all over Nightwing and Gotham Girl. Subsequently, they turn into Monster Men themselves. Gross. Nightwing is going to be covered in stretch marks after this. But Spoiler and Orphan are actually making headway against the Rage Fungus! And it's all because of Orphan's great plan: "...grass."

That's it. That's her plan. You would think it would be a shitty useless plan but it's not because Spoiler knows exactly what she means!

Oh fuck you. That is patently ridiculous!

I'm not saying green leaf volatiles aren't a thing. But Spoiler's conclusion as to how they work? Get the fuck out of here! I'm glad Tim's too dead to hear this embarrassing statement by Spoiler! Let's say a blade of grass that is cut can communicate to the next blade of grass that there is danger. What the fuck is the second blade of grass going to do?! Shit itself, I suppose, because it ain't gonna do fuck all to avoid the danger of the first blade! So it doesn't make any sense that it's "the way plants communicate" or "warn each other of danger." Knowing no science behind any of this, I had to immediately call bollocks because it's a stupid conclusion. So I asked Lord Google about it and he came back with a sensible explanation. The volatiles aren't about communication with other plants. It's about "communication" with insects that prey on the insects that eat grass. So the smell attracts the insects that destroy the insects who destroy the plant! Now that makes sense on an evolutionary scale. Plants that wind up releasing these volatiles live longer because they have a bodyguard system in place. And wasps that react to this smell are more likely to find food. So even if the first blade of grass that emitted a green leaf volatile was just the laughingstock of the other blades of grass, it had a greater chance of survival if a wasp that was curious about the smell happened by. Not that evolution takes place in that kind of a time scale. But, simplistically, it makes evolutionary sense. Having a blade of grass evolve to realize it's being threatened and to send out a warning to other blades of grass that can't do anything about the threat because they're just fucking blades of grass? Get out of here!

Maybe Spoiler isn't as smart as I thought she was!

That's about the most exciting thing to happen here. It's mostly just stupid Monsters.

The Ranking!
-0! What is going on here? This feels like the kind of story DC Comics would have been thrilled about in 1979. In 2016? It feels like boring crap. At least give one of the monsters a huge ass cock to swing around.

Batman and Robin Eternal #22

The Robins only care about restoring Batman's memory because he hasn't paid allowance for six months.

I don't normally post on Facebook because I'm way too facetious for most of my family. Every now and then, I'll post something on a whim. Like today I posted this: "Since I don't currently have a child, pet, or meal to photograph, I'll just say God doesn't exist. Enjoy!" People who aren't instantly butthurt by the idea that an atheist has a right to express their viewpoint just like Christians might possibly get the joke. People post lighthearted shit on Facebook and it's generally of the same few topics. I didn't have a picture of any of those, so I said God doesn't exist and asked people to enjoy my share. Even if I don't believe in God, it's obviously a fucking joke, right? "I don't have any bullshit to share so here's something heavy as fuck!" I mean, I don't think declaring God doesn't exist is heavy but, well, you know. It's Facebook! Anyway, my aunt follows up with this:

Shirt Boy is just a nickname for my deceased cat Judas. She knows he's dead. Now she thinks it's cute to use his loss to testify about God and heaven! But what the fuck is up with those emoticons?! Is she laughing about my dead friend?! Those better be tears of sorrow, bitch! I'm calling the emoticon a bitch and not my Aunt! Maybe!

The Non-Certified Spouse decided to take the question literally and explain that Judas is nowhere because he's dead. Also he's not with any God. He's just dead. He's in the backyard under a statue garden I set up which includes some Sailor Moon figures. So my Aunt continues her kindhearted Christian line of questioning.

Holy shit, Melva! Slow your roll!

I had typed out "Yes, he's currently sucking the devil's cock while being raped by demons." But then I deleted it because I already started some shit I didn't mean to start by being lighthearted and facetious in the first place. Some might not think a statement about sucking Satan's cock and being raped by demons is lighthearted. Which is why I sometimes get into this small scale bullshit on Facebook. It's one of the reasons I rarely respond to people because they're all so fucking serious about everything! I don't even mind she said my beloved friend of fifteen years is in hell! Because it's silly. I know exactly where he is! I wonder if I should dig him up for a picture and post it to Melva's wall? "Heeeeeeeeeere's Shirtboy!"

Being too serious about everything is super lame! And yes, person whose going to call me out for using the word because they need to feel some kind of power in their meager lives, I mean "lame" in the ableist way and not in the modern way which in no way is meant to be a slight against people like Donald Blake! He's so fucking lame he can't even tell Jane Foster he loves her! I mean, maybe he can and has already. I have never read a modern Marvel comic book about Thor!

Time to take seriously a comic book about a bunch of kids who think a psycho with a bat fetish is their dad!

Ooh! Genevieve Valentine is scripting this issue! Be still my aching penis!

The Robins are having a tough time figuring out where to begin to stop Mother's plans. But Dick Grayson has an idea!

Damian had to say "Grayson" because saying "Dick" here would have been to ambiguous.

It's time for Damian to tell all of the Robins about how much of a gigantic pusshole Batman really was! I bet Damian once walked into him weeping over family pictures of all of his children and mumbling through a snot waterfall, "I love you all! You're all so special in your own ways and cock sizes! But for some idiotic reason that I can't comprehend because it feels like some jerkoff editors are controlling my life, I can never tell them how much they all mean to me!"

I was close with my "special in your own ways and cock sizes" prediction.

Damian pulls out his cock and shows the others it's bigger than all of theirs combined. Metaphorically! Don't be disgusting! He's just a little boy! Eugh. Why would you even think I meant that literally, you perv?!

While the Robins come up with a plan that's better than "Let's give up!", Mother activates the Ichthys Protocol. Or Subroutine. Or Virus. Whatever. She turns on the satellite that will make all of the children of the world into her soldiers. Or dead. Or, I suppose, not her soldiers and not dead. I mean, Jason Todd fought against Ichthys. I'm sure a few other random kids will too. But they won't be important to the story so I probably shouldn't have even mentioned them!

Batman and Robin Eternal #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. That Plus Two was absolutely earned because of Genevieve's script and the scene with Damian and Bruce. I'm so sick of angry, psychotic, grim Bruce Wayne! That moment was the truest Batman I've ever read! Okay, that was hyperbole. Maybe I should have said, "That was the truest Batman I can remember reading!" That's better because I really don't remember much of what I read. What a waste of life, right?! Why do I even bother if I only retain about ten percent of any media I consume! I'm such an idiot! I couldn't even spell "idiot" right the first time I typed it! I'm the worst!

No. Wait. My aunt is the worst!

Batman and Robin Eternal #14

Fish mouth. Left Batleg way too fucking long. Weird, incomprehensible smoke wafting out of an object. Just enough style and competency for Fangenders to rave about it. Must be a David Finch cover.

The internet is so full of free shit that nobody should be surprised when people feel entitled to it all for free. So I'd like to thank the people who are supporting me for doing something which I love to do but really can't see doing for much longer if it doesn't provide income. I guess I spend a lot of time playing Call of Duty and masturbating for free but I'm uncomfortable turning those hobbies into revenues sources. For one, I'd really have to bone up on my trash talk on Call of Duty. I suppose all the things I say to myself after masturbating would work! "You suck! You're garbage! You should just kill yourself, you pathetic, lustful, hellbound monster!" Well, most of it would work.

Anyway, the reason I decided to use Patreon for revenue was because most sites probably won't mind me criticizing a comic book but they might think twice about me criticizing a writer's mother's vagina and the writer's father's malformed penis (the writer I'm talking about knows who he is). The other option which most people use is advertising. Fuck advertising. For one of the few really popular sites on the web, I could see advertising working just fine. They could pick and choose who they want to advertise with them. They'd have total control. But as small blog on the web, I feel like I wouldn't have enough control over the ads that would appear on the site. Besides, Google wouldn't let me use their advertising service because, apparently, their advertisers don't want to show up on sites that are adult. I'm not using "adult" as a euphemism for "porn." I mean "adult" as in writing that speaks frankly about things adults talk about. And by "adults" in that last sentence, I mean "most likely non-American adults because American adults are fucking prudish, childish grownups."

I'd still like to provide my "reviews" for free but it's a compromise I have to make so that people who pay get something more than people who don't pay. Because I prefer receiving one dollar over a bunch of likes and reblogs. What kind of capital is that?! What is the exchange rate on reblogs?

When this site began, it was mostly to get me writing daily and to help me remember the comic books (and to get more out of them than a quick ten minute read and done). Then I thought maybe I could build an audience for when I write something real. Then I realized I was writing something real a couple times a day every single day and it was how I wanted to spend my time writing. So now I'm asking for money. It may or may not be internet blasphemy but it's the choice I've made. You'd think it would be supported when you see the hundreds of thousands of reblogs on posts about how artists should get paid for their art. But, of course, those are reblogged by people who don't actually want to be the ones paying for the art they want to consume; they're by people who want businesses to pay for the art that they want to consume for free. You know what? Fuck those shits. Although here's a free Batman and Robin Eternal review for them (and everybody else!) to enjoy!

Keep reading

Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.

Whoops!

Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11

Cover by Brendan McCarthy if he were doing a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

I know the cover isn't by Brendan McCarthy. It's only a pale reminiscence of a memory of a shade of something McCarthy could put together. That doesn't mean I don't like it, Guillem. Don't start fucking getting quiet on me because you think I'm insulting your work. Buck up, Hasbro. That's my new nickname for everybody: Hasbro. I've just decided on it.

Harper and Dick have just met a woman named The Sculptor in David Cain's house. She apparently wanted to be found but if I were a supervillain and a hero walked into my home, I'd also be all, "Oh! Hey! You finally figured out where I live! Took you long enough! I left so many clues! Gosh, you must be a dum-dum!" Then I'd call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. But The Sculptor seems to really have wanted to be found. She works for Mother but she seems to think it's time Mother is stopped. I guess Mother isn't increasing salaries to cover inflation. If only every worker would turn against their employers when conditions weren't as satisfactory as we all know they should be! Stupid workers who have to work because they're in debt, have a mortgage, and need to take care of their kids! Who falls for those obvious traps set up by a capitalist system?! Idiots, that's who!

The Sculptor does a "mindshare" with Bluebird to pass on the information they need to find Mother so they can keep Mother from destroying her inventory because it can all lead back to her. By the way, her inventory is made up of children.

In the Mindshare, Harper learns Cassandra Cain's origin story. She was raised without speech. She was not spoken to and thus never learned to speak herself. Look, this is a fucking comic book, okay?! Nobody's trying to convince us that science and experience rule here! Obviously even without somebody speaking to her, she'd have made noises! David probably taught her not to make noises by punishing her for every noise she made. Which brings us to the next inconceivable part of her upbringing! The theory was that by not speaking to her, Cassandra would learn to communicate through body language. Presumably that is what happened. But since the only body she was reading in the whole time she was growing up was her father's, the only language she actually learned was that of her father's body language. When I took a speech class in college, the question came up at the end of the course if we felt more comfortable with public speaking. My answer was that I wasn't more comfortable speaking in public at all; I was just more comfortable speaking in front of that particular group of people who I'd come to know over the semester! Cassandra's method of reading people wouldn't work at all once she met a second person who wasn't a complete fucking sociopath.

Now that I got the rant over, I'm just going to go with it and buy into the story. Cassie Cain is remarkable at reading body language and can always guess what a person is about to do well before they do it.

So now she knows two body language phrases: "I'm a gigantic asshole" and "Please don't kill me I don't want to die!" Technically that's three phrases.

Cassandra becomes the best fighter in the world even though she didn't spend years traveling around the world learning from all of the masters of every style ever invented. What I'm trying to say is that she hasn't gone up against Batman yet! That might be in this origin story though because Batman had to encounter her in the past at some point to give her that pack of Batgum that started this whole story.

David Cain presents Cassandra to Mother to show her that he can sculpt children better than The Sculptor. Mother isn't so keen on his method.

Oh, so I guess she understands some language! Unless she heard his body language from behind her.

After The Orphan is chastised by Mother, Harper is taken to a memory of Cassandra in Gotham where Cassandra slits a woman's throat. But Cassandra cries after so that makes up for it. I mean, it doesn't but it allows the reader to feel sympathy for Cassandra because she obviously doesn't want to kill but she was raised to kill and now she's just as much a victim as the woman whose throat she cut. Sort of. I mean, she's not dead or anything so she's not really "as much a victim" as the dead woman. But all the right things were said about her past to make people feel sorry for her and want to hug her and forgive her for murdering the woman who they know nothing about but who was probably a corporate CEO cheating her employees so fuck her.

Harper's last image in the Mindshare is of Batman confirming his purchase of a new Robin. Dick yanks her out of the Mindshare before she can see the new Robin so now Dick has to risk doing the Mindshare himself. He just can't let it go, can he? So Batman wanted a better Robin?! So what! He obviously couldn't find a better one because look at what he wound up with after Dick left? Jason and Tim! The only way to get a better Robin was to ejaculate into a condom and not throw it away somewhere where Talia al Ghul wouldn't have access to it!

The issue ends with Dick and The Sculptor tumbling into a Mindshare fucked up by Dick's Spyral technology. It just teases us with the identity of Batman's purchased Robin! It just pulls its underwear most of the way down its completely shaved pubis so that the top of its turgid member pokes out of its underwear and expects us to just sit there and not shove anything down our throats! Now I just have to spend all week bluebrained with this unrevealed knowledge?! Jerks!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11 Rating: No change. This was The New 52 Origin Story of Cassandra Cain and not much else. She was abused but it made her the greatest fighter in the world so it was probably worth it. I mean, of course it wasn't worth it and I'm crying my eyes out here and not rolling them at all! I suppose if I had some sort of Nanny Complex or weird Munchhausen By Fictional Proxy Syndrome, I'd be all into Cassie as my new favorite character. Also I used MBFPS incorrectly simply because I wanted to use it. I'm writing these words and I'll manipulate them in any way I want! Also if you thought it sounded right, forget what I just said because I was lying and it totally works in context.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “As always, Tessatechaitea’s article is really, really funny, but also makes some serious points I haven’t yet seen in other reviews. Go read!” She might not have been saying that about this review in particular but I'd like to think she thought the cock tease bit was a serious point. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Earth 2: Society #2

Not only are the characters of Society living in Macross City, they're all beginning to resemble Robotech characters.

This issue is from Terry Sloan's point of view. He begins with the following thought: "To create, one must destroy." I guess that's true. To create a turd, I often have to destroy a bathroom. So, philosophically, the statement holds up. Besides, people wouldn't keep repeating it if it wasn't true, would they? It seems like a quote that a selfish jerk would say to rationalize kicking over somebody else's sand castle so that they can build their sand castle in the exact same location. It's an old saying so I think it should be changed to reflect modern times. I submit this quote: "If anybody is creative, we must destroy them!" It's almost certainly the motto of this blog!

Everybody is after Terry Sloan because he's an arrogant jerko genius which obviously makes him the bad guy. Smart people always have ulterior motives. Dumb people do too but nobody worries about dumb people coming up with a workable plan to successfully satisfy their darkest desires. Dumb people are also too busy pointing out how smart people lack common sense with devastating arguments like, "Smart people lack common sense." They never offer any proof because, like that destroying and creating quote, it just seems to be true by dint of so many people repeating it. Plus it consoles dumb people to constantly repeat it. I say it no less than five times per day. I mean, it just makes common sense that smart people don't have any common sense.

Hell, I'm dumb and I don't have any common sense! I just picked up a dusty toothpick, wiped it off with my horribly dirty fingers, and then stuck it between my teeth! I probably just implanted some bacteria that are going to travel straight to my brain and murder me! Man, why did I do that?! This is more upsetting and troubling than that time I had sex with a hooker without a condom! I suppose the heroin I shot up in the used needle caused me to make some bad decisions that night.

Speaking of horrible decisions. Yeesh, Flash.

Terry Sloan is busy prepping to terraform the planet. I'm not sure how he got his hands on Bruce's cube with the backup drive of Earth-2 but he's planning on sticking it in his Genesis Machine and bringing back Earth-2. He says, "It will terraform this plane--destroying all native life and replacing it with home." That's why he has to destroy to create! The only problem with this statement is that this planet has no native life. The "native life" of this planet came out of Alan Scott's imagination! What Terry Sloan is doing is the equivalent of tagging over another street artist's creation. That ain't cool, dude. No wonder Green Lantern is so angry.

Sloan has nearly the same flashback Grayson had last issue but with a few differing details. Sloan crashed the other ships on purpose to save them from whatever began attacking the ships upon orbital entry. That attacker was a traitor from within the ship! Which means it was probably Terry Sloan. But for now, let's pretend he's not an evil mastermind and just a victim. Who could possibly have betrayed the Twofers?! I mean besides Terry Sloan! We're trying to think outside of the typical comic book box where the genius is the bad guy and everything that happens is part of the genius's plan! Oh! I bet the real traitor is some other genius!

Terry Sloan remembers back to that day when everybody on board all of the ships he forced to crash land became his enemies. The only people who didn't crash on New Earth-2 were the people aboard the Overwatch-One. That's basically the old World Government and its military and its Sandmen.

Dammit, Sloan! You're making it awfully hard for me to not think you're the traitor like every reader already knows you are!

Sloan does indeed steal the Source Cube on the same day everybody crash lands on New Earth-2. I guess it took a full year to prepare it so he could transform the world into his own likeness. Batdick can't stop him before he pushes the button to terraform the world so I guess everybody on Earth-2 is going to die during the terraforming? Or does it somehow allow for people whose DNA matches that in the Source Vault to survive as everything terraforms around them? I suppose it's the latter thing or else Batdick wouldn't end the comic book with "This should be fun." He would probably end the comic book with, "OH MY GOD NOW I REALLY HAVE TO FIND MY STUPID SON!"

Earth 2: Society #2 Rating: No change. From the Sneak Peek, I thought Red Arrow and The Huntress were the bad guys who were going to use the Source Vault to destroy Green Lantern's world. But apparently I was wrong because I can't be bothered to dig up whatever Convergence issue the Sneak Peek was in to do any fact checking. Since it's not part of this actual series, we can just forget it ever happened anyway, right? The bad guy is now the bad guy that we expected: Terry Sloan. Although it's a surprise that Commander Sato and the Sandmen are fighting on his side. I hope Terry Sloan programmed the Genesis Machine to transform New Earth-2 into Golden Age Earth-2! I want to read some World War II stories with the Justice Society!

Earth 2: Society #1

Earth 2! Featuring nobody you remember from the Golden Age!

I hope by the end of this issue, Helena and Oliver terraform the planet and it destroys everybody, replacing them with the Justice Society. I was really hoping World's End and Convergence was going to put Earth 2 out of its misery. But here it is still on life support and as much heroin as the nurse will allow it. I hope somebody doesn't accidentally trip over the plug to the respirator!

The issue begins with Batdick climbing the walls of Macross City. He's under attack by somebody. I'm sure it'll be somebody recognizable since the only people that exist on this planet are the Earth-2 Wonders that survived Convergence and the citizens of Earth-2 who escaped on the TSS Endurance. Unless maybe Skartaris still exists in the center of the planet and all of the time traveling bad guys will eventually escape. Until then, I think the bad guys of the planet are The Huntress and Doctor Impossible and Green Arrow who might actually be Red now. And I wouldn't say they're actually bad guys. It's more like they and the other Wonders have a difference of opinion. One side thinks Planet Brainiac should be terraformed into a perfect look-a-like of Earth-2 while the other side thinks it should remain a figment of Alan Scott's imagination. One side is very, very wrong although I think I'm probably supposed to be siding with them. Whichever side has Batdick is probably the side the reader should be rooting for.

Batdick is after Terry Sloan, the original Mister Terrific who now goes by Mister Eight because fuck if I know. I don't know if he's trying to save him from a sniper or capture him. Terry Sloan is the smartest man on New Earth-2, so the "good" guys may just need him to fix their computers full of porn viruses thanks to Power Girl.

Looks like Batdick is trying to save Sloan from Johnny Sorrow and the Ministers of Truth. That sounds like a gang from The Boomer Bible.

Since this is all taking place one year after Planet Brainiac's conversion to New Earth-2, we need some flashbacks to figure out what's going on!

In the flashback, Dick Grayson remembers enough of World's End and Convergence to satisfy anybody smart enough not to have bothered with them. Green Lantern and Telos transformed Planet Brainiac into a new Earth and shoved it into a binary star system in a Goldilock's orbit. Green Lantern then set off a beacon to call back the survivors of Earth-2. When they arrive in twelve separate ships, Terry Sloan causes them to crash in twelve carefully chosen coordinates. Luckily Green Lantern is around to save the lives of New Earth-2's new citizens. No thanks to Terry Sloan! I hope the Ministers of Truth kick his ass!

Dick Grayson is saved by Mister Terrific (the new Michael Holt version) and declares they've arrived to build a better world. Ha! Not if Green Lantern can help it!

Back to the present, Batdick takes a moment to check on some kid to make sure it's not his kid. Fucking father of the year still can't find his son, enh? After Batdick feeds the kid's dog some chocolate, he returns to rescuing Terry Sloan.

I guess the Ministers of Truth show their faces and whoever sees them (even themselves) goes mad?

Terry Sloan gets away leaving the reader with a whole lot of explication, a few mysteries, and a story that might work if Daniel H. Wilson can figure out the pacing. He also needs to work on what needs to be said and what can be left out. I think this issue would have been better off telling most of its tale in the present and telling only so much of the flashback as Dick Grayson would have been aware of. The ships coming in and then mysteriously crashing. Maybe seeing Green Lantern helping out and then his rescue by Mister Terrific. Fill the pages you've saved with more interaction with Johnny Sorrow to get the reader interested in the story that really matters. The back story can be filled in tiny portion by tiny portion and in a variety of imaginative ways that don't need a flashback scene that walks us through every single moment. Do writers and comic book companies fear readers closing a monthly title with lots of questions? I think they like to stick with just one because they probably think readers are dumb. So the big question this book leaves us with is this: who is Terry Sloan afraid of?!

Earth 2: Society #1 Rating: I'm afraid this book is going to get overwhelmed by all of the characters. It really should just be Earth 2: Batdick. Twenty pages every month isn't a lot of room to deal with multiple characters. Especially when Earth-2 comic books have been going on for three years and we've yet to even come close to any kind of Justice Society group. How about simply dropping the Just Forget About Us Society and give the lead to Dick Grayson?

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-Heroes #2

Chip Kidd needs to work on measuring out half of each cover. It's his fault my lines don't meet up!

Here we go again! I'm about to shit all over Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes even though I really enjoyed the last issue! I'll never admit to it! Except in that last sentence. So don't read that sentence again! And it would be best for all involved if you forgot all about it.

Last issue ended with 30th Century Metropolis being invaded by Atomic Knights and huge Dalmatians. This issue will probably be 24 pages of Superboy crying about Krypto. I hope it isn't that many. I hope at least a few pages are spent on Superboy and Ayla fucking.

This issue begins quite seriously with the Atomic Knight Gardner reminding his Atomic Wench how the super-heroes failed to save the world from nuclear annihilation and how he huddled in a bunker for 18 whole days waiting for the bombardment to end. Eighteen days?! What a nightmare! I'm not being sarcastic! How did he not go insane? I flip the fuck out when a web page takes a few seconds too long to load! The mood is somber and dark and Gardner accepts that he must go murder these super-heroes to save his world. And the heroes deserve it for failing the world so many years ago. So he dons his armor, marches outside, and climbs onto a gigantic dog.

Why does Stuart Moore hate people who aren't crying?!

This memory of Superboy's will probably tie into the theme later. Or else Stuart Moore is just a jerk and he likes to make readers feel bad. Maybe Ayla's neck will be broken in the upcoming fight and Superman will grab an axe and be all, "We'll, we don't want her to suffer!" WHACK! Then Brainiac 5 will be all, "NO! It's the 30th century, you 4th Level Intellect! Remember what I just told you earlier in the story?! She just needed a Broken Neck Patch!"

Superboy returns from his memory as Gardner the Atomic Knight is all, "Surrender or we release the plague!" And Superboy is all, "We surrender!" But Brainiac 5 is all, "Don't you know anything, you 5th Level Intellect?! They can't kill us with a plague! We've cured everything in the 30th Century!" And Superboy is all, "Those horses remind me of Krypto! Waaaaaah!"

Sunboy or Orange Shirt Lad or Inappropriate Time For Jokes Kid makes a Monty Python crack about the Atomic Knights. That warrants a laser blast to the face and the fight is on!

While the lower level intellects brawl, Brainiac 5 and an Atomic Knight named Sir Smartnerd work together to try to interpret the strange message they both received from Planet Brainiac.

Penetra-vision makes my butt hurt!

The Legion can't figure out how to combine their powers to defeat knights in armor with lasers so they just get their asses handed to them. Gardner threatens to shoot Invisible Kid in the head if Superboy doesn't surrender but Superboy is all, "I don't see any Invisible Kid! Go ahead and pull the trigger! *snicker*" And Invisible Kid is too unconscious to say, "Mon dieu!"

Wildfire shows up to save the day because he's not dead anymore. Once the dome disappeared he was finally able to put his clothes back on so that he can have a human form.

Losing his hostage, Atomic Knight Gardner resorts to a different threat. He's got a jar of Morticoccus! That sounds like a terrible Off-Broadway musical that I really want to go see now.

I make that tough not-killing decision every hour I'm out in the public! I'm a hero!

The Atomic Knights make peace with the Legion of Super-heroes because they're brave or something. Brainiac and Sir Smartnerd arrive to tell everybody that they discovered Planet Brainiac is transitioning from one reality to another. That's when the earthquake hits, signaling the nearing end of this story. And Superboy and Ayla haven't even copulated yet.

Close enough. I guess. I'm so unsatisfied!

Convergence: Superboy and the Legion of Super-heroes #2 Rating: This story was more like the Superboy and Legion of Super-heroes that I'm used to: bland! Even the kiss between Superboy and Ayla was disappointing. They're young! They should be grinding their crotches together as they smooch! I wonder if the Legion Flight Rings come with Chastity Fields? This issue scored Five Horse Dogs out of Ten.

Divergence: Teen Titans
"The Titans must uncover the truth behind Superboy's crimes -- or they all might end up serving time with their former teammate."

This issue begins with the Teen Titans sparring with the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron. Kid Flash is back from the future prison planet he and Solstice had been imprisoned on because that plot was dumb and Scott Lobdell fucked everything up. So now Bart is back and we're all just going to forget about what an awful Marvel character Scott Lobdell turned him into in the last Teen Titans run, aren't we? Just like we're going to try to forget the horror of Ann Nocenti's Klarion since he's joined this comic book. I guess Solstice doesn't get a second chance though? Why would Bart leave her in the future?! Weren't they in love?

Oh wait! I'm probably supposed to think that never happened. I'm probably supposed to be super excited about all the new young characters joining this book and ignore all of the past problems Scott Lobdell created by sodomizing the Teen Titans against their will for three long years. Is this New DC Comics spectacular supposed to freshen up the Titans? Are we pretending Scott Lobdell's run never happened? It'll be hard for me to let it all go because it left scars but I can try!

This short story finally has Red Robin realizing that he made a mistake jumping immediately into bed with Manchester Black. Tim wants nothing to do with STAR Labs now because they want to hunt down Superboy and lock him up. Tim and the other Titans want to help Superboy and figure out what happened with all the murders he's being blamed for. Wonder Girl and Power Girl are siding with Black so they've joined the STAR Labs All-Star Squadron with Kid Flash and Klarion and The Guardian and probably the Legion of Newsboys.

So that's the setup for the Titans near future. Two sets of Titans at odds with each other. Genius Manchester Black facing off against Genius Harvest Red Robin. Kid Flash back from the prison planet of Takron-Galtos without Solstice. Skitters still missing in action because her character was an awful idea. And a whole bunch of crap I'll probably lose interest in rather quickly. Teen Titans, you are on notice! Will you be the first DC Comics book I drop when the universe soft reboots? I hope so!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!