Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Hawkworld Annual #3 (July 1992)

I barely remember this series existed.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Hawkworld Annual #3 (July 1992)
By John Ostrander, Luke McDonnell, Roy Richardson, Timothy Harkins, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Luke McDonnell
Edited by Bill Kaplan and Archie Goodwin

• For some reason, this annual isn't squarebound like the others (aside from the upcoming L.E.G.I.O.N. '92). I suppose that means it has less pages? But why would that be? Was it a less popular comic book so it didn't sell as many advertisements? The story itself seems to be the same number of pages.

• Nope. I just counted the pages. Same exact number (32/64 not counting covers). Was it different quality paper? I can't tell. It seems like most annuals didn't need the squarebound set-up. That was usually saved for 80 pagers and Prestige Format books. So I'm not sure why most annuals in The Darkness Within were squarebound. Could it be because Eclipso: The Darkness Within #1 had that Black Diamond glued to the front and it was easier to accomplish with a squarebound book? And most of the annuals just followed suit? I don't know! I'm a comic book reading idiot not a comic book historian!

• It's weird that I didn't read Hawkworld when it was written and penciled by the team who did Suicide Squad, a comic which I loved. I guess I just hated Hawkman that much.

• The issue begins with Peacock¹ and Shayera attempting to solve that well-known Chicago problem: Pterodactyls.

Was it a running joke in this series that Shayera really wanted a gun?

• So was Hawkworld just a suburb of Chicago?

• Peacock stabs the Pterodactyl in the eye, as you do, and it explodes into a puff of smoke, as Pterodactyls do. I guess. Maybe. Who can ever really know, you know? You can't disprove something even if that thing makes no sense based on all the observations we've ever made about reality and how it tends to work. Maybe some creatures evolved to blow up in a puff of smoke when stabbed in the eye? And then they went extinct because there's actually no benefit to blowing up in a puff of smoke after you die. I mean, maybe there's a benefit? But evolution can't really choose to pass on a trait that manifests after you die. I guess predators might stop trying to eat you if they just wound up with lungs full of smoke and reeking stench and your siblings would live to pass on the exploding into smoke gene?

• Did skunks evolve from Pterodactyls? That makes the most sense. I think I figured it out. I'm a scientist!

• According to the scientist whose lab the Pterodactyl flew out of, the Pterodactyl first flew into his lab via the skylight (which is how it exited). So he's obviously lying about the Pterodactyl flying in, right? He somehow created it in his lab for malicious purposes and now he's trying to cover his ass because he was caught by the dumbest heroes in the DCU².

Shayera suggests nothing. Doctor Kaslak, "You're not suggesting I *full confession of crime*!"

• Apparently "Peacock" is Katar Hol. I guess that's Shayera's sex name for him.

• Later, a man dressed all in black with a goatee and an evil look about him burgles a mansion and comes away with the Black Diamond. He's got to be Shadow Thief, right? That's a Hawkman enemy!

• Shadow Thief works for Doctor Kaslak which means Doctor Kaslak is a big lying liar because you don't work with Shadow Thief if you're a big innocent truth teller.

If magic is science than why isn't magic called science?! Answer me that, stupidhead!⁴

• Doctor Kaslak sends the Black Diamond to Shayera because she treated him like a lying jerk. And even though he is a lying jerk, that doesn't mean she knew he was a lying jerk. I mean, she definitely knew. But without solid proof, Doctor Kaslak has the right to be super offended by her assumption that he is what he actually is. Also, she's a woman. I'm sure that played a part. How dare a woman describe him in perfect detail!

• The anonymous gift of the Black Diamond pleases Shayera to no end. She immediately puts it on so that it highlights her cleavage while Katar mutters and mumbles and reminds me why I dislike him so much.

• On the moon, Eclipso thinks, "Wait. What?! Why is one of my Black Diamonds being wasted on Hawkwoman?! Ugh! I might as well possess Green Arrow or Aquaman!"

• Oh, I just realized Aquaman didn't get to participate in this Crossover Event. What a loser!

Okay, I assumed they were already fucking. I guess "Peacock" isn't Shayera's fuck name for Katar. I guess it's an insult!

• I'm glad my nickname isn't Peacock because then I'd constantly have to dress extravagantly so that nobody would assume the nickname was describing the size of my dingle.

• I wonder if Katar is embarrassed to tell Shayera that he loves her because they're brother and sister?

• While Katar breaks up with his current girlfriend, Shayera goes on the Howard Stern show. Or DC's equivalent: Tod Sweeney. Was his only appearance in this annual? I wonder how many variations of Howard Stern exist in the DCU?

• Tod Sweeney asks Shayera if she wants to have baloney thrown at her ass and her reaction isn't great.

Obviously if some sexist jerk sexually harasses you, it's time to destroy the local government.

• You might be thinking, "Tess, that sounds like bullshit. Are you writing bullshit again? Can I call you Tess? Or should I call you by your Christian name, Mx. Bullshit?" Well, let me explain something to you, you snarky asshole. Um, yeah, it was bullshit. But look at DC's version of Howard Stern there! He's less Howard Stern and more Frank Rossitano from 30 Rock! Who's going to take any sexual harassment from him seriously? And Shayera?! She looks like Grace Slick in the middle of the video for "We Built This City" as it slowly dawns on her that she's just killed her career! If I'm given bullshit to work with, I'm going to excrete bullshit! It's, um, science! And, if you remember from earlier, I'm a scientist!

• Eclipso, taking Shayera's anger literally because what does he know about the difference between local government buildings and local government bodies, flies off to destroy city hall⁵. Everybody is terrified because usually it's Hawkman that loses all of his cool and does something terribly stupid. But now it's Hawkwoman because Howard Sweeney called her Hawkgirl and through lunch meet into her butthole.

Like most cops⁷, this guy has a really American grasp on the law. Vandalism equals the death penalty without trial. Capitalism demands sacrifice!

• Hawkman convinces Shayera that she's killed the building and even Eclipso realizes that was a stupid plan to stop her vengeance. But he accepts it so he can get on with using her for other things. Like, um, flying stuff around and, um, flying other stuff around. I'm really not sure why he wants Hawkwoman. I guess he's just taking whom he can based on the chance of the Black Diamonds falling into their hands.

• Shayera flies off and leaves the Black Diamond with Hawkman, making a point of wondering if it even matters. Are two Hawkpeople better than one Hawkperson? Probably not.

• Hawkman takes about two minutes to lose his cool and become Eclipso. I mean, he manifests an Eclipso. Which means, according to Anarky's notes from Robin Annual #1, Hawkwoman is an aggressive persona and Hawkman is a passive persona.

• I guess when Katar realizes he activated the Black Diamond but before he vomits up a manifestation, he says, "Damn me," thus assuring that the monster will go after him. It should just kill him after but for the first time in the series⁸, the person who manifested the monster did not simply pass out. Katar is fully awake and retains his senses as the manifestation tries to kill him.

Eclipso showing he understands the situation in the same way I do.

• Somehow the battle has been going on all night because Hawkman is saved by the rising sun. Weird that Eclipso didn't realize the sun was about to rise and that Hawkman wouldn't be dead. Maybe he can't tell, from his crater in the dark side of the moon, how much time has passed on Earth. Like, he can't know exactly how much night is left once he manifests from a Black Diamond, right?

• During the day, Hawkman does some research into Eclipso. Oh, he doesn't do anything as academic as go to the library or read a book. No, no. He threatens to kill Doctor Kaslak until the Doctor tells him how to stop Eclipso. Man, I would have fucking eased through college if I'd known that trick!

• STAR Labs makes Hawkman some "moonlight intensifiers" with which to blast Eclipso. I feel like Ostrander was taking the piss out of this whole crossover by pointing out that moonlight was sunlight and it should fuck up Eclipso just as much as, say, a toy lightsaber charged by the sun. Ostrander shows so much scorn for this whole project in Hawkman's speech about moonlight that I could easily be convinced that Ostrander added some of his own shit to the brown ink used for this annual.

• Hawkman manages to defeat the manifestation he created but he blinds himself when he uses the "moonlight intensifiers" on it. After that, he basically gets his ass kicked by Hawkwoman until he hides and she retreats for the final battle.

The Ranking!
Blech! This stupid crossover got me reading Robin books and Hawkman books? I'm so glad I seem to have missed the Green Arrow annual! I'm not sure I could have survived reading sixty page issues of those three characters all in a row! Maybe I would have survived physically but would my life have been worth living after what it would have done to my psyche? I'm glad I didn't have to find out! My main question after reading this annual is this: Fans of Hawkman actually exist?!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ I have no fucking clue who Peacock is.
² The dumbest heroes in the present DCU. Or else that superlative³ would go to the Legion of Super-heroes.
³ I know being dumb isn't indicative of something of high quality. I just mean that they're, you know, the greatest at being dumb.
⁴ Still undefeated in Master Debate Club!
⁵ The building and not the people. That's what I was trying to point out when I interrupted the sentence with that clause that maybe didn't explain enough? But maybe it did and I'm just being too cautious now because I know my audience is the dumbest collective of people in the world⁶.
⁶ The Internet.
⁷ I'm assuming that a "superintendent" is a cop. Am I wrong?
⁸ At least, I think this is the first time this has happened.

Flash #70 (November 1992)

The Free Speech crowd attacking two people (and a dog) on Twitter because they had pronouns in their bio.

I wouldn't hate on people who are actually pro-free-speech but we currently live in the stupidest time where people fully do not understand free speech. It's possible they understand it but after fifty years on this planet, I've finally stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. So when they're all for banning books because the targets of the ban are people they fundamentally disagree with and they see the ban as a punishment but cry their snowflake asses off about censorship when a twelve year old girl on tumblr demands that they stop saying "retard," you kind of have to either believe they don't understand free speech or they're just hypocritical assholes. Oh, wait. I just realized that by concluding they don't understand free speech, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt! Sorry, they're just assholes! My bad!

Ha ha. I'm still laughing about "incelorillas."

Flash spends the first three pages of this issue explaining what happened in the last piece of the story arc for the readers who couldn't afford the extra $1.25 to purchase Green Lantern #31 this month. That doesn't seem like much but I'm not even sure how I was able to afford it in 1992. I guess I played one less game of Cyberball down at 4th Street Bowl at two in the morning that week.

Green Lantern spends the fourth page trying to grab some bananas with his ring. Recently having devolved into a caveman, Hal Jordan has been reduced to the basest male actions: eating, fucking, and killing. Luckily for Flash, Hal has yet to realize how horny he is.

If I were Wally, I'd shove one yellow boot into my asshole and one over my cock.

I bet Wally, having a way bigger brain than I have and being far less concerned about Hal's new caveman sexual desires, will throw one of his boots over Hal's hand to incapacitate him. Rex will probably just piss all over himself to become invulnerable to Green Lantern.

The duo's real threat is Grodd and his new mega-brain. But they probably don't have to worry about Grodd taking over the world. Once Grodd's Incelorilla Army realizes he's not a Chad but a disabled Beta Cuck, they'll abandon him to look for a real Alpha to tell them how to trick women into banging them.

I'm not sure what's up with Hector. I guess he's become a caveman too. He's probably off angrily fucking a rock which he'll eat afterward.

Who would have guessed this would be Wally's solution? Oh yeah! Big brained me!

Using his newly acquired telepathic powers, Wally takes over Hal's mind and uses the ring to return them both to their normal forms. But in doing so, Wally saps the last of the meteor's power. They won't be able to use the same trick on Grodd and Hector. Speaking of Hector, he finally turns up on page 7.

Danny is playing the part of that rock I mentioned earlier.

Danny is Rex's military buddy. Or was? Doesn't matter. He was never important to this story.

Rex the Wonder Dog can now speak normally due to the meteor's power which makes Danny superfluous anyway. He tracks Gorilla Grodd back to Gorilla City where they find Grodd has used his new mental powers to possess and control every single ape in the city. Now even the apes who get laid regularly are fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Danny doesn't get fucked and eaten because Bobo parachutes out of the sky in the nick of time to save him.

Damn, Bobo. Just gonna throw around the casual slurs, hunh?

Good thing Vandal Savage wasn't around to hear Bobo speak this shit. Speaking of Vandal Savage, didn't he gain his intelligence and immortality from a meteor like this? How many of these meteors are there in the DC Universe? Was Metamorpho's Orb of Ra one of these things? Where did these meteors come from?

While Hal and Wally hide inside a giant green bubble to protect themselves from Grodd's psychic blasts, Rex the Wonder Dog sneaks up on Grodd and attacks.

Once again, Grodd freaks the fuck out when he's attacked by a dog. But this time, his body is too weak to punch the shit out of Rex and he's mauled to death.

Grodd actually defeats Rex but in doing so, he uses up too much of his power. Bobo drops out of the sky again to save Rex while Flash kicks Grodd in the face. After that, Rex is able to destroy Grodd's mind, rendering him as idiotic and devolved as Hammond. Rex, on the other hand, gets to maintain his newfound powers without anybody saying a word. I guess that's because he's a good boy?

Grodd and Hammond become prisoners in Gorilla City where Solovar will continue to attempt to make them useful to Gorilla City. First, they're learning how to push buttons for bananas. Later, they'll probably be trained to clean the Gorilla City septic tanks. Bobo decides to spend some vacation time in Gorilla City fucking lady apes even though he's a chimpanzee. So gross. This book is depraved.

The Flash #70 Rating: C. Average story with really nice art except when it came to Flash's buttocks. I don't know what Greg LaRocque was going for when he was drawing Flash's ass but I suspect it derived from a kink somewhere in Greg's subconscious. It was more upsetting to me than the ten minutes I spent after reading the comic book thinking about Bobo the Chimpanzee fucking lady gorillas.

I suppose the ass of a man who runs at the speed of light is going to develop strangely.

Flash #69 (October 1992)

Are these the same two kids Green Lantern saved from drowning in Green Lantern #27?

Don't answer that! I know they're not! I probably shouldn't have even suggested that I thought that. I should have written something like, "Hector Hammond has more forehead than eighteen balding Harvard alumni!" Except funnier and more cutting and probably mentioning four or five penises. Some nights, I'm just not on my game. But I still need to read these fucking comic books or else how am I going to get through the other twenty short boxes cluttering up my bedroom?! You think I want to read one old comic book every day?! You think I don't realize how little respect I get from the people in my life watching me waste my precious time on this shit?! I should be out in the world making new experiences! Instead, I'm reliving old comic books that I don't even remember from the first time I read them and won't remember at all, again, in three months.

When I first picked up this comic book and saw Mark Waid's name on the cover, I thought, "Oh boy! I'm in for an intelligent experience! This guy made quite a name for himself for some reason! Maybe Mark will make it worth it that I'm not re-reading something I truly want to re-read, like Barth's The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor. Or something I've never read like Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor! At least I won't be embarrassed reading this in public because I'll be able to point out any page I'm reading to somebody looking on aghast at an aging man reading a comic book and say, 'See how philosophical this is? See how this writer really respects women and also the reader? See how smart I am to read this!'"

Goddammit! I just showed this to a woman sitting next to me and she slapped me!

Well, fuck you, Mark Waid! I'm assuming your script read, "Page One. Splash page. Focal point: Power Girl's huge tits. Minor focal point: hint of camel toe." At least when the woman was storming out of the café, I had the wherewithal to yell, "But I've read Gravity's Rainbow!" That way she knows she missed out on a real smart cookie! Hmm. Maybe I should have yelled, "I read Gravity's Rainbow and understood at least 3/5ths of it!" I bet she would have dragged me out of there by the dick after that revelation!

I'm hesitant to flip to page two because, man, Power Girl's tits look fucking awesome!

Power Girl who?

Mark Waid's script: "Page Three. Crimson Fox approaches Hal Jordan, tits first. She looks so good that readers should be able to imagine they smell her freshly washed butthole in the same way real estate agents want the smell of baking permeating houses they're trying to sell. Maybe not all readers will imagine that specifically. But some fucking pervert will, I'm sure. Make it clear she looks like she's telling Jordan he's free to explore her every crevice. Especially the butt crevice. You have to draw all of this because if I write any of it out, people will never respect me as a writer."

Do you think people will respect me as a writer for writing all of that out? I only did it because I was pretending to be Mark Waid! He's the fucking pervert!

See? Ralph smells it. His nose isn't twitching because it ain't no mystery where that fresh breeze is coming from.

Sue also smells it and seems particularly intrigued. Crimson Fox's super power is pheromones, by the way. I just wanted to point that out to anybody reading this and thinking, "Why the fuck would anybody even think Crimson Fox's butt smell tantalizes everybody?" Even those that remembered Crimson Fox has pheromone powers, they probably finished up that thought with "It should be her V-hole, no?" Maybe for some of you dorks. But for real men like me, Elongated Man, and Mark Waid, we know where the real attraction pheromones come from!

The Flash doesn't get to see how things turn out between Hal and Crimson Fox (I'd use her first name but I can't remember if she's currently Vivian or Constance) because he has to go inside to pick up the phone and get screamed at by Linda. I think Linda is the woman he eventually marries. But don't hold me to that. What the fuck do I know about Wally West? I have exactly two of his comics from the '80s and '90s!

Wally teleports back to the States because he's too slow to run across the Atlantic Ocean in two minutes. Barry could have done that! Sure, sure. He also would have caused fifteen different Crises while doing it. Wally uses one of those two minutes to build the teleporter (which is linked to one in the basement of his new home). He then has one minute left to microwave some pizzas and burritos in 15 seconds (I guess he likes them mostly frozen), check his messages, eat the frozen pizza and burritos, take a shower, shave, dry off, read the paper, and run across town to the studio where Linda is going to interview him on live television. I'd say he showers in the fifteen seconds it takes to heat up his food but how exactly does Flash shower faster than a normal person?! It's not like the water comes out of the showerhead any faster?

Reading along a little further, and, yes, he does do all of the stuff while the food is heating up. Three seconds to check his phone messages on fast forward. Seven seconds to shower, shave, dry off, and read the paper. He must have some sort of pressure washer set up in his bathroom that blasts him full force for two seconds as he spins like a maniac and soaps up.

More like "Still frozen, frozen, frozen!"

The problem with Flash doing everything at superspeed because he's on a time crunch is that most things in the real world don't work on his super fast time scale. I already had to devise a way to explain how he showered in two or three seconds. Now I've got to imagine that Kilowog built him a special microwave that actually heats that much food in fifteen seconds? I was going to suggest maybe he got them out of the regular fridge and not the freezer but I just checked and, well, he took them out of the freezer. But now let's say Kilowog did make him a nuclear microwave that heats things up that quickly. Wally just pulled them out of the microwave at temperatures that even he can't handle while holding them. And he's going to eat them in less than 45 seconds? This fucker gonna scald his larynx which is going to swell up on him. Wally's going to lose consciousness from lack of oxygen in the middle of the interview and die. I'd say paramedics save him but he's super fast! He probably dies fast too.

On the way to the interview, Wally notices Hector Hammond shaking all of the tourists out of a bus using the power of his mind. That's too bad. Mark Waid wrote all of that unbelievable shit just for West to fail to make it to the interview!

I have no idea why Hector Hammond is shaking tourists out of a bus like a little kid emptying a piggy bank. Maybe he's just a fucking dickhead. It think there's a forehead/foreskin joke in there somewhere but I'm not willing to come up with it because I keep thinking about that microwave that cooks so much food in fifteen seconds. The time I could save! Fucking stupid 21st Century microwaves that take multiple minutes!

Wasn't "Girlfriend Having a Poodle" a Smiths' song?

Hector Hammond wants the bus for transportation. To Africa? Can't he just float over in his floaty little chair? Maybe he just wants it for the radio.

Turns out Hector just wanted to dump people into the streets from an unsafe height to attract the attention of Flash. He needs Flash to piggyback him to Africa.

Now who's having a poodle?

Hammond forces Flash to carry him all the way to Africa to meet up with Grodd and his gorilla fighters. Wally only has a tiny mind so he has trouble fighting off Hector's control. Plus there's the issue of being in the middle of the Atlantic without a map. But once in Africa, Wally speeds up as fast as he can until Hector Hammond, freaking the fuck out because he's the least physical person on the planet being run at tremendous speeds, orders Flash to stop. This causes Hector to slingshot across the sky and deep into the forest while yelling, "You tricked me!" What a fucking embarrassment. If I were Hector, I'd retire from supervillaining after that. Wally West got the better of you in the brain category? Get the fuck out of here. Your reputation is fucking nuked, man.

Once free of Hector Hammond, Flash sees a familiar green light and runs over to stumble upon Green Lantern to end this issue the same way as Green Lantern #30 ended.

Flash #69 Rating: Nice. You didn't think I'd end this review with a stupid reference to the issue number, did you? So innocent and naïve. This issue was fine, I guess. I have two main problems with Flash comics which probably always kept me from reading Flash: the stupid puns and his wildly out-of-control power level that's never really utilized correctly. I wonder if the DC Universe Who's Who has an entry for "Wally West's House" that explains how all of his technology has been amped up to allow him to use it all faster?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2

Hey DC! Pay more attention to where you stick the credits and the UPC Code! I'm having trouble jerking off here! Although the butthole with teeth is actually helping.

Last issue ended with Steel burned and broken by Gen 13 and her crew. Unless the crew is called Gen 13 and "Gen 13" is simply Fairchild. I think I've pointed out before how I didn't read any Image comic books because I was too discerning and intelligent and artistic and dignified. If I had read Image back then, I'd probably say that I read it because of a lot of the same adjectives because whatever I did (or would have done) was (or would have been?) the smart thing to do. If not reading Image was stupid on my part, I would have read Image! Thus it was stupid to read Image because I didn't read it! Q.E.D!

I've been giving 90s Image readers a hard time lately but I figure they can handle it. They must have huge piles of self-esteem if they weren't embarrassed to actually purchase Image Comics at their local comic book store.

Hopefully this issue ends with Streaky II escaping into the New 52 universe. It'll be a shame if Streaky II is stuck in whatever Limbo this Convergence universe gets stuck in. Although it looks like the entire planet might be moving into The New 52. It'll become the planet of continuity errors! Whenever some fangirl points out a flaw in a story, the writer can just say, "Oh, well that happened on Telos!" And then everybody can be...well, not happy, exactly but they can all kind of save face and just stop talking about it.

And the cat! Don't forget Streaky II!

Who wants to bet that when Nate and Jem take off to battle the other teenage heroes, Hamilton breaks every ethical vow he's ever taken and begins shooting Steel up with Nano-Bullshit! Sure he'll save Steel's life but it's theoretically the wrong thing to do! I think theoretical ethics and metaphysical philosophy trumps reality. But that's probably why I'm not an action hero! It's taking the bullet by the horns and just diving into the shooting ring that gets shit done! Not endlessly reblogging other people's opinions and adding, "THIS!"

Steel Girl and Steel Boy head out to find Gen 13 while hoping that Parasite has already taken care of them. Of course then they'll have to deal with Parasite. Or just run from Parasite. I suppose Parasite can be the hero of Metropolis and save it from nonexistence.

John wakes up and meets Streaky II. That's when he declares he wants a hit of whatever the cat got.

"John! We...let me turn this on and set up the needles...can't inject you with these...okay, that all looks good. Prepare for the injection...nanoparticles! There's no telling what...this will only pinch for a second and then you'll have super powers...they can do to you! I won't be a part of it! It's done!"

While John probably dies from being injected by unknown crap scraped from the inside of the dome, Steel Girl and Steel Boy contemplate teaming up with Parasite. But they're heroes! They're probably going to do the stupid and the right thing to do which is helping the other teenagers to survive! Afterward, they'll probably all go out roller skating and stop by the malt shop. Oh wait. This takes place in 1994, not 1954.

Gen 13 defeats The Parasite by covering him up with a dumpster. Well, that was easy. Other characters that can be defeated by being covered by a dumpster: Green Arrow, Speedy, Merlyn, Emiko, everybody else that uses a bow and arrow, and that's about it.

Steel Girl and Steel Boy see Gen 13 defeat Parasite and they yell, "That's our cue!" Now that Gen 13 have proven they can defeat somebody way more powerful than the Steel Kids, the Steel Kids attack because they suck at strategy and tactics and thinking.

Meanwhile John Henry steals Streaky II's thunder by living through the experiment and becoming as powerful as the cat. The only difference is that Steel cares about shit and Streaky II just wants to lick its shiny metal ass.

It forms anything you think of? That would be embarrassing! I'd probably jump out of bed with boobies and vaginas popping out all over me! And maybe a few cocks but that's only because seeing a hard cock is a turn on in certain contexts! I'm not into them all by themselves! I'm so straight the Romans based their systems of roadways on me! At least I think I'm straight. Can you truly be considered straight if no woman has ever let you put your dick inside of her?

Is it gay to stick chewed up Bazooka Joe bubble gum on the tip of your dick while one of your friends does the same thing and then stick them together? I mean as an elementary school kid! Not as a grown adult on lunch break at work!

The first thing Steel imagines is a bunch of bongs on his wrist. Then he makes some bongs on his back. Then he flies off to find his niece and nephew. He arrives just in time to steal (Get it?! Steel! Steal?!) all of the credit because the kids were actually doing just fine against the Parasite-weakened Gen 13.

And Streaky II too! How dare you forget him!

Just like most battles between good guys, the heroes begin to question why they're fighting after about eight minutes of battle. That's enough for the fanboys and fangirls to wet their unmentionables with unmentionable bodily fluids. Now it's time for one side to surrender so they can team up against Telos! Which actually just means ending this story while they wait for Convergence to end in the weekly books. Which it has already but I'm about two weeks behind in my reading. Stupid life and time and sleeping!

Steel tells the Gen 13 kids that he can beat Telos because he has Telos's seed inside of him. Maybe he says nanotech but seed sounded dirtier. Everybody makes up and decides to turn their attention to Telos. But that's when the Gen 13 kids disappear back through the portals from whence they came. And, presumably, became nonexistent because remember how San Diego disappeared in Convergence: Aquaman #2?! Good thing the Wildstorm characters still exist in The New 52. Although it seems DC has decided to wipe out everything else Jim Lee created previously. I don't think the history was any great loss.

They were cool? What the fuck are you basing that on, Natasha?! The size of Grunge's bulge?

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #2 Rating: This issue earned Five Railroad Spikes out of Ten because it was just a ho-hum adventure that didn't really tug at my heart strings or engage my libido. Also, Streaky II was thoroughly ignored by everybody even though he gave his normal life to save them all. Without Streaky II, Steel and the Kids couldn't have won!

Divergence: Bizarro
"Bizarro World loves Bizarro! In fact, they love him so much they devise a plan to trap him in an alternate universe just to get rid of him and his super destructive ways!"

I bet that alternate universe is The New 52 Universe! I also bet that this comic book will be confusing because Bizarro always says the opposite of what he means except for sometimes when he actually means what he means because the writer probably gets tired of the whole opposite schtick every now and then.

See? He's not Bizarro! And he wants them to keep fighting! So he deflates the ball to help out! Some of those things might not be true! Who can tell?!

Bizarro tells the readers his secret origin because it's the worst kept secret. It's basically told in the "How DC Comics Made This Comic Worse" blurb which I previously quoted. And now he's found himself on Earth! After seeing Superman, he finally knew who he was!

I am not ashamed to say I laughed at this! The dumber he is, the funnier I think I'll find him.

I'm pretty sure that his logo is painted out of ketchup and mustard he stole from Hot Dog On A Stick.

Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen enjoy watching Bizarro fly around the city causing mischief and mayhem. But then Jimmy mentions that some people think Bizarro is Superman's brother and Clark tells Jimmy that Bizarro has to go. He also puts the idea of a great road book coffee table into Jimmy's head which causes Jimmy to catch up with Bizarro and tell him all about the great land of Bizarro America: Canada. Bizarro, being an obvious genius, believes Jimmy and they load up Jimmy's Mustang and take off on the road! I hope they accidentally run over Green Arrow!

This looks silly in just the right way that I take my silly. So I'm looking forward to it. Bizarro is adorable!

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1

I have nothing worthwhile to say about Steel.

So. John Henry, steel driving man! I get it! Now that the whole joke is understood, what's left of this character? He's like a guy, right? And Superman is dead so this guy takes over or something. He's like, "Hey! Superman is dead! Job opening!" And the Super Hero Union is all, "Boo! Scab! Scab! Boo!" But Steel sticks to his hammer and he's all, "BANG! BANG! BANG!" At least while John Henry was out there protecting Metropolis, Lex Luthor had time to take a vacation. I bet with Superman dead, Luthor's blood pressure dropped like three sizes, or whatever blood pressure is measured in. Cubits?

Maybe this is just the comic book to make me fall in love with John Henry! At the very least, maybe it will provide some sweet old fashioned wank material.

I really don't know anything about Steel!

Well look at that! I nailed the most important aspect of the character! Scab!

Apparently the Dome understands the difference between Comic Book Gadgets and Closer To Real Life Gadgets. So Steel's costume still works because it's a bunch of riveted pieces of armor covering his body with jet propulsion boots. Although if he's got that organic metal, I'm going to stuff my fist straight up my ass so I can punch myself in the stomach without the muscles in the way. I don't know why I'm going to do that to myself. Self-hating hater, I guess. Anyway, so Steel's shit works but Roy Harper's cybernetic arm and Ray Palmer's Shrink-a-dink Belt ceased working because they're too comic booky, right? However it works, the day the Dome dropped over Metropolis was the day Steel became the happiest clam in shit full of methamphetamine! Unless the saying is happier than a pig wearing lipstick on a morphine drip?

By the way, the creator of Steel is writing this issue so it should be totally authentic and any arguments I might have against how well-written it is are instantly invalid. It's a good thing I already mentioned that I know nothing about the character! How embarrassing if I began telling the creator of Steel, Louise Simonson, how to write her boring character!

Judging by the decor, Steel lives in an old brewery with his niece, her cat Allie Cat who is going to become Streaky soon (I hope) because they're experimenting on the poor thing, a Professor Hamilton who was mentioned previously in the Pre-Flashpoint Universe in Superman (so that might be important! Maybe all of the Professor Hamiltons will work together to save all the cities! Or at least each of the cities that is home to a Professor Hamilton. Is there a Doc Hamilton in El Inferno?), and some kid playing a Gameboy or something. Judging by the cover, he'll be a Junior Steel along with Natasha (Ah! Satan!).

As Steel and the others are pretending that shooting a cat full of nano-particles scratched off of the inner Dome is legitimate science and not just cruelty, two people in green and yellow armor crash through the walls of the S.T.A.R. Brewery and fly out the other side as they battle.

"Holy shit! It didn't die from the bullshit I subected it to! I mean: Yes! I'm a genius! Inject some of that shit into yourselves, kids!"

Steel's fight against the Ex-Lex-Luthor Rangerbotmen begins to damage Bibbo's bar! Missiles are flying everywhere and horrible slurs are being shouted back and forth and giant hammers are smashing bad guys' lungs in! It's complete chaos! And with the odds stacked so hugely against Steel, there's no possible way he can win. Unless...unless...send in the cat!

Professor Hamilton suggests the kids put on their Junior Steel armor so they can go save Bibbo's bar. As if Bibbo needs any help! He's a rough, tough, cigar chomping, drunken, Sailor Jerry tattooed, entrepreneurial slob! And he's got a shotgun! And an attitude! Of course, he's no Sean Noonan!

Just when Natasha and Jemahl begin thinking they're the cocks of the woks, the dome drops and all the bad guys with super powers return! First up, that perennial Metropolitan baddie: Parasite! It's not as surprising as it would have been if I'd have purchased the Chip Kidd cover.

This feels like an all ages Adventures of Superman comic book! Which isn't a bad thing. That was just a neutral observation which I can sometimes make.

As Steel sends the kids to their rooms to play with the mutated cat and get wild ideas about becoming mutated children, Steel himself heads off to put down Parasite. But that's when he runs into Gen 13! I didn't recognize Fairchild because she appears in just a Boobs pose with no butt to be seen! And she's in a really modest onesie! I recognize Grunge because Fairchild uses his name and he got his ass kicked by Superboy in The New 52. But the other members of Gen 13 I know less of than I know of Steel. I think the one with the band-aid on her knee is Scrapper and the one with fringe on her boots is Trapper and the boy on fire is Crapper.

When a few of their real names are mentioned (Burnout and Freefall), it triggers the memory that they were mentioned in the final issue (or one of the final issues) of Superboy.

Steel's not so sure he should be fighting a bunch of kids no matter what a strange voice commanded. Plus they've got a bunch of crazy super powers and Steel hasn't even been injected with organic metal yet! He's going to need help which is why Natasha dives into the battle. But she forgets the cat. When the fuck is the new Streaky going to get a chance to prove herself?!

Natasha, being just an inexperienced kid, almost gets killed by Gen 13 who are fully experienced kids. Wink, wink! Steel dives into the way of their blasts and his armor is destroyed! Oh no! What is he going to do now?! It is the end for our scab hero!

But then Parasite arrives to drain Caitlin Fairchild's power! Whatever it is! Natasha grabs Steel and takes him back to the brewery to get help as Gen 13 battles Parasite. Luckily Natasha calls Steel "Uncle Steel" in public because Caitlin begins to realize that perhaps they shouldn't be fighting other people just because a loud, ominous voice tells you to. Natasha calling Steel "uncle" is a huge clue because bad guys don't have relatives! Who would make good guys fight other good guys?! The mystery thickens like gravy!

Streaky don't give a shit.

Convergence: Superman: Man of Steel #1 Rating: I liked the tone of this comic book. I realize the book ended with Steel's back being broken but it still has a lighter, more carefree comic book tone that is often eschewed by comic book companies today unless it's an all ages comic book. A book like this with light continuity that affects the locale and the characters within that locale, sort of goofy dialogue, scientists injecting stray cats with syringes full of random shit, Bibbo...I could enjoy a comic book like this. Things don't have to be serious nor do they have to be realistic. When a book takes itself too seriously, unrealistic shit is annoying. But when a book is molded with this tone, I can more easily forgive smaller flaws that might usually make my head explode. This isn't going to be a major turning point in Steel's life long remembered by fans as a touchstone in the development in the medium of comic books. But it was stupid fun! I'll take stupid fun over a writer failing to be profound any day.