Green Lantern #29

I wonder how often Saint Walker fingers his own asshole with his head tail?

Last issue there was some trouble with Red Lantern Supergirl. Also, Hal found out that he accidentally gave up the rights to Sector 2814 to the Red Lanterns. This issue, Hal has decided to take a bit of time off and visit Coast City. Why not? There's only a huge war with the Durlans going on!

Oh! It's because of the war that he stopped by! Also to let Simon Baz know that he's the only Green Lantern allowed on Earth. Also to tell his brother Jim the secret identity of the new Green Lantern, Simon Baz.

My friend Doom Bunny's kid constantly clogs his toilet with his turds. So I'm going to start calling him Minnesota Fat Turds. He's going to despise Uncle Tess's visits!

That had nothing to do with Green Lantern but you're not paying for this so I can fucking write whatever I want to! Go get your Green Lantern jokes somewhere else if you don't want to read about a six year old's stool problems!

So Hal ditches Earth leaving the disappointing Simon Baz in his place. Not that I think Simon Baz is disappointing. I liked what I saw of him when he first appeared with Ch'p or Bd'g or Nu't or wh'tev'r. But then he had to go and join the Justice League of America where nobody but Stargirl is very important even though Amanda Waller won't let her do anything. So Simon hasn't had much of a chance to have any character. He's just been the token Green Lantern in the background. Hopefully he'll get a chance to shine again sometime. But there are so many human Green Lanterns! Did DC really need another one?

Meanwhile Mogo leaves Sector Zero to bring the Green Lanterns closer to the war with the Durlans. Saint Walker mopes. Kilowog fixes. Hal talks to the new recruits. It's all stuff that isn't me finishing Bioshock.

I also manage to earn some Comic Book Reading Experience Points when Hal speaks some truths that I pointed out previously.

Nobody would have believed Superman if he'd said the horrible things that Durlan said. Unless Lobdell was writing the issue and then everybody would have declared, "I knew that alien was up to no good being that he is an alien and very X-Man like! And you can't trust no Goddamn X-Man!"

Hal Jordan puts my girlfriend 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 front and center, giving her a job to run statistical probabilities and complex mathematical formulas. She's such a nerd! And so cute with her little head penises. Does DC put out any pornographic comic books because I think she'd be perfect in one. Maybe I'll start drawing it myself. Let me find my To-Do List of Serious Projects and add this: "Project #233: Pornographic Comic Strip starring Green Lantern 2-6-8-1-7-9-5." Okay! Now if I could just find more hours in the day, I might get around to that project in a decade or so!

Hal leads a small team to the planet Gwottle where the Relic Approved Anti-Light Devices are being manufactured. Even though the Corps has been unable to stand against the Anti-Light Devices up until now, Hal's team has no problem defeating the devices and stopping manufacture.

Bah! That's rumor and speculation and innuendo and hearsay and bad science! If I weren't such an intelligent specimen of the universe, I'd probably resort to derogatory names like Fish Face and Six Arms! Although, really, that would just be stating facts. But if I sneered the names just right, you'd understand I was being a dick!

Meanwhile the Durlan hiding out on Mogo that borrowed Hal's face to tell the entire Universe to suck it has discovered that the fishy Green Lantern stole his radioactive isotopes which allow him to change shape. So he's fucked.

Green Lantern #29 Rating: No change. If I wasn't so eager to get back to playing Bioshock Infinite, I might say some really mean-spirited things about the art in this issue and hurt Coccolo's feelings. But I'm not going to be a jerk today! I'll just say the art wasn't my style. Or maybe Coccolo will improve with time. Or perhaps the art was terrific but I was just in a grumpy mood. Who can say, really? Reality is a fickle bitch. I can tell the art wasn't very good because even though 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 appeared in a number of panels, she didn't really make my heart flutter like she has in the past. So I have to blame the art or else I have to admit that maybe our love is waning.

New Guardians #16

Time to see Kyle get his brains fucked out by the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog.

According to the first page of New Guardians, Kyle Rayner's ability to show love is severely retarded. It's a queer thing, seeing as how he grasped the other emotions so quickly. I just assumed everyone would have a gay old time while Kyle learned about loving and caring for others. But I was fucking wrong about that shit because his cunt of an old man ditched his ass when he was just six years old. So, you know, he kind of began burying his feelings or something.

Since tapping into his early years when his father left didn't pan out, the Star Sapphires try another moment when he should have been able to express his feelings.

G'nort! Arisia! Tomar-Re! The crystal guy, umm, Chaselon! Kilowog! Salaak! B'dg (or Ch'p. But it looks more squirrely than badgery). And the other lesser known human Green Lanterns!

I'm glad G'nort has been acknowledged as existing (or having existed since this is a flashback) in The New 52. That was all I really needed to know. The other character I can't wait to see is Ambush Bug since he obviously exists in The New 52 whether DC wants him to or not. A change in continuity can't hold him back!

As the narrative finds its way out of Kyle's memories and back to Zamaron (which has now found its way back to Sector 1416 where it belongs), we learn that Sapphire 3 (the female Kilowog) does not have enough time to get past first base and really teach Kyle about love because Ganthet is coming to kill Kyle Raynor. DC has really gone crazy on the "shoot your own dog" motif this month. I probably should have been keeping a list detailing every moment when someone needed to end the life or put a stop to someone they were responsible for. I think it's all leading up to Batman shooting his insane clown dog in the creek with the rest of the Bat-family hot on their trail looking for blood.

And then the meeting that will eventually teach Kyle how to love begins.

In the next panel, Ganthet "FWASHES" Kyle. Some of you now what that means. I just thought it was too awkward to scan because who wants to see the man you think of as your father's vagina?

Kyle and Ganthet battle to a stalemate until the Star Sapphires arrive to help him. It's at this point that Kyle begins to show that he loves Ganthet although he's still very hesitant couching it in terms like "Don't kill him!" and "I'd promise Sayd I'd save him!" Come on, Kyle! You'll never save him while you continue to hide behind ulterior motives for not wanting to destroy him. You want him to live because you WUV HIM!

Just as Kyle and the Star Sapphires have Ganthet on the ropes, his army of Borg Lanterns appears looking to destroy love since love often leads to masturbation when one partner is simply too tired or ejaculates early and falls asleep on top of you. And the Guardians of the Universe simply can't have any of that going on in their Universe. But the Star Sapphires are hyper-focused on taking out Ganthet and they just kind of ignore the Borg Lanterns.

And then Ganthet FWASHES Kyle one more time, nearly killing him. That's totally understandable.

And just like a scene from Halloween some after school special, as Kyle lies there mortally wounded by the man he considered his father, he learns the greatest lesson of all! Love stinks. I mean, love is forgiveness. Kyle forgives his dad and forgives himself and forgives Ganthet too. But Kyle should also realize that this means rage is forgiveness too, right? Maybe rage is the not forgetting part! Anyway, it's not really important what love is. Is it really forgiveness or is it actually manipulation? Not even the greatest philosophers or that tootsie pop owl can answer that question! Anyway, learning his lesson, Kyle becomes the first man in the universe to wield love effectively and thus transform into The Rainbow Lantern!

His new name should be RAF W. HCL!

Now when Kyle uses his power, his ring says, "Life." And then all of the Borg Lanterns disintegrate and Ganthet runs away with his ponytail between his legs. And now that Kyle can destroy the Borg Lanterns with a wave of his hand, that means that a large percentage of the universe's population is about to be wiped out. Since, you know, so many of them have already been converted. Time to teach those Borg Lanterns that any love is good love!

New Guardians #16 Rating: No change. Is that all it takes to become the most powerful person in the universe? To be the most angry, selfish, intimidating, stubborn, optimistic, and caring lover in the universe? Damn. I should be a White Lantern! I get through all of those emotions every time I masturbate! Is the fact that Kyle is now all in white and shoots white goop out of his fingers a metaphor for something?

New Guardians Annual #1

So I guess this annual is happening.

I didn't think January would have any Annuals since DC forgot to advertise them in December's comic books. Plus only two comic books came out the day after Christmas leaving the last week of Issue Fifteens to come out the first week of January. Which caused me to believe they were going to skip the whole "put out a bunch of Annuals in the months with five Wednesdays" thing they were doing.

As you can see, I was wrong. Since this doesn't have a Rise of the Third Army tag on it, I guess it's going to be a stand alone story. Or maybe this will be the issue Kyle learns how to love. It looks like he's doing a pretty good job on the cover since Indigo 1 told him earlier that you can't have love without rage! That's so true! Especially if you love me, you fucking cunt!

Oh and look! That asshat Keith Giffen is writing this comic book! Where the fuck has he been lately? Probably blowing Dan DiDio while shoving his thumb up Geoff Johns ass. God I love DC! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

The fucking Annual begins on Tolerance, a Transmetropolitan rip-off. Speaking of rip-offs, five fucking dollars for an annual! Now I have to waste my time reading an extra-length book when I could be wasting my time reading a normal length book. God. All I do is read comic books now! Stupid, goddamned fucking shitty-ass comic books! Don't get me wrong! I love it! I love every minute of it! BUT THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY!

Here are some guys. I think they're in that reality show from Blue Beetle #15. They're shooting some other fucking guy. Write your own damn joke.

Over on Yaru Prime, Arkillo and Saint Walker are hanging out checking in on the devastation left behind by The Third Army. Saint Walker and Arkillo have become the bestest of friends since you can't have fear without hope. That actually kind of makes sense, dammit! Fucking comic book can't even get it right when I'm trying to mock it! Stop making sense, you stupid Rainbow Lantern Corps that have never made sense ever except the one time I try to be sarcastic about them! Fuck you, goose tits!

People are constantly asking me what tattoo I would get if I were to get a tattoo. Now I know! I'd tattoo my penis with Saint Walker's face!

Meanwhile Kyle Rayner and Carol Ferris are completely lost. They've arrived on Zamaron in Space Sector 1654 but my notes say it's located in Space Sector 1416. Looking online, I see Space Sector 1416 is where it's supposed to be. What the fuck is wrong with you, Keith Giffen!? Are you placing it in Pre-Crises Reckoning since you've been around so fucking long? But you know what? That's not Giffen's job! He just writes the jokes and the dialogues and the wacky, crazy crap. Editor Joey Cavalieri and Assistant Editor Kate Stewart should have caught this one. Now my entire night is ruined! I need a fucking drink.

I think there's probably a joke in the fact that Kyle Rayner was allowed to land on Zamaron which is currently gender restricted. Fuck if I can make that funny though.

Hey! Let's take a commercial break since we still have a whole lot of Annual Goodness to get through! Maybe it'll give me a chance to catch my breath and down a couple of anti-depressants with my sake. Read this while I medicate.

OH MY GOD NO! NO! If I'm doing any good at all with these commentaries, y'all will know better than to buy this used piece of toilet paper! I cannot believe DC has the gall to sell this trade paperback! You know what they're doing here? YOU DO KNOW, RIGHT?! They're calling Superboy and Teen Titans fans SUCKERS! "We're DC and we can sell the Superboy Fandom anything! Hey look what I did? I gave Superboy a guest appearance in this public toilet bowl I just ruined with my massive bowel movement! I bet the Superboy fans will line up for a nice look at this mess!" Look at that list of A-List writers! Tom DeFalco! Scott Lobdell! Howard Mackie! Whoo boy! And notice the best quote they could find from Comic Book Resources? See that? Read it to yourself. How'd it sound in your own head? It comes off as SARCASTIC, doesn't it!? I can hear the disgust dripping from the Comic Book Resources hack that had to utter those words! Although it really is true! Brett Booth and Pete Woods carry this fucking book. If there's anything good to be had, it's definitely visual! Until you get to RB Silva's people that all look like the exact same guy (even the women) just wearing different wigs. Fuck. The UNMITIGATED gall of DC to collect these stories into one stinking volume! And don't mistake this rage for love, you fuck nuggets! OH MAN! If you misunderstand me now after all we've been through, I'll never type another word at you ever! This rage isn't a joke about rage and love being equal or the same thing or needing each other or whatever! THIS IS PURE HATRED!

And now back to our regularly scheduled annual!

All this time I thought he was going to fuck Carol to learn the ways of Love. But I guess this is the Star Sapphire version of Kilowog. Buckle up, Earth Man!

Arkillo and Saint Walker turn up because you can't have raging love without hopeful fear. This is beginning to get a bit too weird and rape fantasyey for me. I guess since Green Light all by itself is masturbation, you need the proper balance of light to the left and right of it to get a healthy, sexual relationship. Right now the union is a bit lopsided. Hope and Fear balance each other out but don't change the dynamic much. That's a relationship just beginning, hopeful and fearful at the same time. But because it's just started, it's still mostly jerking off in the sheets after a night of heavy petting gone to nowheresville. The next step of the relationship would be Compassion and Selfishness. You need to meet the needs of both you and your partner, careful not to swing too far to one side or the other. This is the really great wooing time. The chemistry hits a high point here as both sides are really getting what they need. And then a full fledged adult relationship when Love and Rage enter the picture! You only truly hate the one you love! Or something. I guess my philosophy of Lantern Light Masturbation Politics breaks down here. Or I just haven't given it enough thought. I guess this could be the part of the relationship where it's over and both parties know it but they keep at it, spiraling ever closer to the inevitable end of it all as they bitterly hate each other and then express their love and then hate the other one for doing that thing they do but then love them so much for doing that other thing and then fuck you, you asshole, wash a fucking dish once in awhile and then I'm so sorry, honey, you make me crazy and then your cat is a fucking vomiting mess and don't you talk about my cat that way and get out of my fucking house and thank you so much for making dinner, sweetie, and do you want to go for a walk and OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT A*G*A*I*N! Um. You know how that goes.

Sheesh. I look away for one second and they get up to some weird nonsense.

I don't know what these two asshats are talking about. Have you ever noticed that about Keith Giffen's writing? That prick fills every character with quick comebacks and witty zingers. And he's so Goddamned subtle that you have to reread his dialogue two or three times sometimes to get the gist of what the fucking characters are talking about. Of course the characters are following right along with each other! Not once does one of them stop and scratch their head and say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" That really should have been every fifth speech bubble in Giffen's early 2000 run of Suicide Squad.

Deadshot: "Did you catch a whiff of that tool box?"
Killer Frost: "Reminded me of pot roast served with heroin and hashish salt and pepper shakers."
Sgt. Frank Rock: "You shake that box often, Frost?"
Killer Frost: "You mean Deadshot's?"
Major Disaster: "What the fuck are you talking about?"

While Kyle trains with female Kilowog, Carol, Arkillo, and Saint Walker head out on a mission to piss off Lady Styx and the Tenebrian Dominion. Why it needs to be done has been very hush hush so far. Or else they explained it in one of the quick back and forths between Carol and the head Zamaron. Fucking Giffen! Oh wait. This new guy will explain it all! I think. Fucking Giffen!

Yes! An Amish Green Lantern! I don't think he should be wearing jewelry, right?

This Amish Green Lantern hangs out with a bunch of no good losers called the Star Rovers. Since Keith Giffen is writing this comic book and he's going to be at the helm of Threshold, I'm fairly certain these guys will be recurring cast members. I bet they're all just so zany you can't even believe it! And they probably riff off of each other super quick!

These Star Rovers have been assigned to smuggle the Lanterns and Sapphire into the Tenebrian Dominion so that they can speak with Lady Styx into battling the Third Army with the Lantern Corps. She might not agree at first but once all of her people begin turning into Borg Lanterns, she'll start fighting with the Lanterns whether she wants to or not. I guess the real fucking trick is getting her to fight with them before they're all dead. Or assimilated.

The Rovers manage to get Carol Ferris inside and then decide to make a little cash off of her by handing her over to the Hunted Reality Show's talent scouts. I think that was what it was called. Hunted. I guess they're mercenaries who always keep their word but will twist that word to their benefit whenever they get the chance. After dumping her off, they head out to bring Arkillo and Saint Walker as well.

But that doesn't work out so well for them. Serves them right. I'm sick of DC Mercenaries and Bounty Hunters that "always keep their word" or "always deliver." How about a Bounty Hunter that has been known to catch some of the biggest scores in the Universe but sometimes really, really, really fucks up the job. Take your chances, you know?

Later, Carol Ferris ends up on The Hunted and I have to read about people watching television! Now I want to watch television! Reading is annoying! Why doesn't someone just talk it all right in my ear? Boy, I love television! But I hate that it sucks my life force away! But man I can't get enough of it! And then I lie in the dark weeping about the things I could have been doing. But television is so much easier than doing those things! And probably more entertaining. Life is boring. You know when people say, "You couldn't write something like that?" Those people are idiots. Of course you can! Shut up and go read a fucking book!

Carol Ferris gets one rotation of the planet free from being hunted. It's like the scariest game of hide and seek you'll ever play! Unless you play Hitori Kakurenbo! Before The Hunting begins, Lady Styx comes out of the shadows to speak with Carol.

Goddammit! It's one in the morning and I'm tucked away in my tiny office in a dark house and I just had to reread that fucking Hitori Kakurenbo shit! Japan, why do you always know exactly how to scare the fucking pants off of me?

Lady Styx leaves and Jediah, Arkillo, and Walker show up to save her. They're getting ready to hitch a lift from some mouthy twat named Rokko when Walker uses his ring and alerts everybody on the fucking planet to his presence. That's because there's this thing called Smart Dust all over the world that detects Lantern Light. It probably also detects Blue Beetle farts but they already caught him. I wonder if his The Hunted show has already aired or if it was preempted by Star Sapphire's show?

Good news! Everybody escapes except Jediah! Arkillo knocks him cold and shoves him out of the ship because he's an asshole. The he is ambiguous for a reason.

Even though Jediah is captured and going to end up on The Hunted going against the Crimson Thrust (probably in Threshold #1), Rokko's ship and everyone in it manage to escape into nonexistent space.

There are only 3600 Space Sectors. Unless those sectors have a limit at the inside edge of a sphere and then sectors begin past that in concentric spheres or something, Sector 9008 doesn't exist.

Thankfully this non-existent sector is right next door to Zamaron's sector (you know? 1416! Unless it was 1654?). Everyone heads to Zamaron to see how Kyle is doing with his love training. Except for, you know, Jediah. He's kind of tied up! HAR HAR! Did I win the prize for the one millionth time that joke has been told?

Wait a second! I was just tricked into reading the prologue to Threshold?! Fuck you, DC! How dare you!

Green Lantern New Guardians Annual #1 Rating: I don't rate these fucking things, remember?!