Jessica looks like she's wearing a waistcoat and Simon looks like an idiot.
The Commentary!
• The issue begins with Jessica battling her anxiety. This is why Narration Boxes are so annoying. With them, I have to read about her struggle to just get the fuck in the other room and deal with Simon's family. I would rather not have to be inside of her head as she did that because I'm really inside of Sam Humphries' head and I don't think he understands what it's like to have anxiety at all! He needs the Narration Boxes so he can keep speaking directly to the reader, saying things like "See? See? She's struggling so hard with her anxiety! That's a thing she has and you can tell because I'm telling you about it! Constantly! See how she's having a tough time being around Simon's family? Oh, but you don't know it's Simon's family yet since you're a big fucking moron dope asshole! You probably think she's trying to work herself up to do some Green Lanterning, right? What a fucking idiot! Ha ha! Dope! I'm such a good writer I bet nobody at all guessed that her anxiety was keeping her from just an every day interaction! Surprise!" I hope that isn't what Sam was actually thinking because I haven't even turned the page yet and I just blatantly put all of my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Cred on the guess that that's what's happening. You know why? Because I don't think this opening fooled fucking anybody. Maybe it wasn't supposed to! But it's certainly written like it's some big twist cold open!
• Yeah, it turns out Jessica was just getting up the courage to be around Simon's family. It didn't even have anything in particular to do with Rami the Rogue Guardian who is a fucking lunatic.
• Oh, also this story was called "Family Matters". That was probably a big clue too! But I completely forgot it was called that because when I was absorbing every detail on the cover to come up with a caption, I was mostly absorbing Jessica's camel toe.
• Jessica chickens out and teleports out of the house to get away from the family. What does she think she is? An Indigo Lantern?! You can't teleport, you dumb barn owl.
• I get it, Jessica. I can't stand to be around people I don't know either! And this situation is extra bad because you're spending time with a Muslim family. And you know what that means! No alcohol to take the fucking edge off! You, Jessica, are fucked.
• One of the main reasons I hate being around new people is that most of them ask all of the same questions about things I'm not interested in. I don't want to talk about my family. I don't want to talk about my stupid job. I don't want to talk about how good I am at the sexing. I just want to listen until somebody says something dumb, leaving me an opening to tear them the fuck apart.
• Simon promises Jess that she doesn't have to spend any time with his family if she helps him make dessert in the kitchen. She agrees because cookies. That makes her adorable, I guess. I fucking hate all of these "this character is so fucking adorable" shortcuts that get fangenders into a tizzy. Ugh. Fuck you.
• The issue begins with Jessica battling her anxiety. This is why Narration Boxes are so annoying. With them, I have to read about her struggle to just get the fuck in the other room and deal with Simon's family. I would rather not have to be inside of her head as she did that because I'm really inside of Sam Humphries' head and I don't think he understands what it's like to have anxiety at all! He needs the Narration Boxes so he can keep speaking directly to the reader, saying things like "See? See? She's struggling so hard with her anxiety! That's a thing she has and you can tell because I'm telling you about it! Constantly! See how she's having a tough time being around Simon's family? Oh, but you don't know it's Simon's family yet since you're a big fucking moron dope asshole! You probably think she's trying to work herself up to do some Green Lanterning, right? What a fucking idiot! Ha ha! Dope! I'm such a good writer I bet nobody at all guessed that her anxiety was keeping her from just an every day interaction! Surprise!" I hope that isn't what Sam was actually thinking because I haven't even turned the page yet and I just blatantly put all of my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Cred on the guess that that's what's happening. You know why? Because I don't think this opening fooled fucking anybody. Maybe it wasn't supposed to! But it's certainly written like it's some big twist cold open!
• Yeah, it turns out Jessica was just getting up the courage to be around Simon's family. It didn't even have anything in particular to do with Rami the Rogue Guardian who is a fucking lunatic.
• Oh, also this story was called "Family Matters". That was probably a big clue too! But I completely forgot it was called that because when I was absorbing every detail on the cover to come up with a caption, I was mostly absorbing Jessica's camel toe.
• Jessica chickens out and teleports out of the house to get away from the family. What does she think she is? An Indigo Lantern?! You can't teleport, you dumb barn owl.
• I get it, Jessica. I can't stand to be around people I don't know either! And this situation is extra bad because you're spending time with a Muslim family. And you know what that means! No alcohol to take the fucking edge off! You, Jessica, are fucked.
• One of the main reasons I hate being around new people is that most of them ask all of the same questions about things I'm not interested in. I don't want to talk about my family. I don't want to talk about my stupid job. I don't want to talk about how good I am at the sexing. I just want to listen until somebody says something dumb, leaving me an opening to tear them the fuck apart.
• Simon promises Jess that she doesn't have to spend any time with his family if she helps him make dessert in the kitchen. She agrees because cookies. That makes her adorable, I guess. I fucking hate all of these "this character is so fucking adorable" shortcuts that get fangenders into a tizzy. Ugh. Fuck you.
Gross. Put a shirt on.
• Simon tastes the dough and finds it lacking, so now he takes off. Dude, you probably got some tit sweat in it. Nobody wants to eat your stank ass shirtless cookies.
• Oh my god! Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records! It turns out Simon Baz doesn't have Daddy Issues at all! He's a Mommy Issues Boy!
• Jessica talks Simon back into the kitchen and convinces him to make the cookies in his Green Lantern costume. It might look stupid but at least he's got a shirt on.
• Simon hasn't told his mom that he's a Green Lantern yet. So he figures now's the time!
• Oh my god! Somebody call the Guinness Book of World Records! It turns out Simon Baz doesn't have Daddy Issues at all! He's a Mommy Issues Boy!
• Jessica talks Simon back into the kitchen and convinces him to make the cookies in his Green Lantern costume. It might look stupid but at least he's got a shirt on.
• Simon hasn't told his mom that he's a Green Lantern yet. So he figures now's the time!
Fucking hell. You couldn't have left the gun off?!
• With Jessica's help, Simon manages to impress his mom with his cookies and his costume and, I guess, his gun. For some reason his mother puts up with his nonsense instead of rushing straight through the house to find her grandson. What kind of grandmother is she?! The worst, that's what kind!
• Her grandson is busy stacking things on Rami the Rogue Lantern. I guess the family doesn't have a cat.
• Rami wakes up and screams that the Dominators are coming before rushing off. I don't know where he's going. Wouldn't his precious Phantom Ring be safer with two Green Lanterns guarding it? Also, if anybody can use the Phantom Ring, why doesn't he use it to protect it? It must have some serious side effects that he isn't willing to deal with. Better to just find some sucker to test out the ring for him.
• The Dominators are those yellow aliens with lots of teeth and big red spots on their heads. I think they're supposed to be super scary.
The Ranking!
+1! I'm giving it a plus one because it's gotten much better now that Simon and Jess are friends. Plus, Sam really isn't relying on Narration Boxes like he did when they had to think opposite thoughts so the reader understood how different they were.
• Her grandson is busy stacking things on Rami the Rogue Lantern. I guess the family doesn't have a cat.
• Rami wakes up and screams that the Dominators are coming before rushing off. I don't know where he's going. Wouldn't his precious Phantom Ring be safer with two Green Lanterns guarding it? Also, if anybody can use the Phantom Ring, why doesn't he use it to protect it? It must have some serious side effects that he isn't willing to deal with. Better to just find some sucker to test out the ring for him.
• The Dominators are those yellow aliens with lots of teeth and big red spots on their heads. I think they're supposed to be super scary.
The Ranking!
+1! I'm giving it a plus one because it's gotten much better now that Simon and Jess are friends. Plus, Sam really isn't relying on Narration Boxes like he did when they had to think opposite thoughts so the reader understood how different they were.
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