Secret Origins #1

I'm pretty sure I already know all of these origins.

I'm reading this under protest because it's about The New 52 versions of DC's characters but it's not really going to tell me anything new. I'm nearly sure of that! At least not until they begin to get to some really obscure characters. I suppose if you haven't been reading Supergirl, you might be interested to find out how her father sent her to Earth just before her mother shot him in the gut with a laser. And then as Supergirl was traveling to Earth, her mother told Supergirl's father that he was an awful scientist. And then Krypton was destroyed seconds after Zor-el was destroyed. Then she spent many years in some kind of stasis circling the Earth as Superbaby grew up to become Superman. What more is this issue going to add to that?

I'm going to change up my commentaries quite a bit while reading Secret Origins. I'm not going to do any kind of synopsis of the origin stories. I'll just nitpick things that have been changed from what's been previously established and scan in panels of horrible art. Hopefully there will be some horrible art to joke about! Hopefully these commentaries will be fun-sized as opposed to my other commentaries which are, for the internet, long-winded, rambling walls of text. Which they are not, by the way! They're precision focused! And I use paragraph breaks, so they're not walls at all!

Superman
The first story concerns Superman. I'm sure the story will be less origin, since we all know Superbaby is shoved in a ship and blasted toward Earth where he's found by the Kents who raise him in a veal pen until he's old enough to exploit for farm labor, and more theme-oriented where we learn a little something special in the telling of the tale. Although the story is by Greg Pak so it might just consist of Lara thinking things and then Jor-el thinking about the same things but in a different way.

How does Ma Kent know the salt wasn't because somebody was cooking over the baby? She's pretty presumptuous!

Pak does do the Dueling Narration Boxes thing except he uses the voices of Lara and Martha. That's clever. And sweet. And fucking touching, goddammit. I'm going to send this issue to my mother immediately with a note that says, "Superbaby has two women that truly love him. Why couldn't I have even one?!"

How did these bullies not break their fists on Clark's face? I suppose Pa taught him to roll with the punches to save the other kids from some pain and hospital bills.

Eventually the two voices practically merge with the same message of hope and love. Both women directing their comments toward the other woman, the other mother, in little Kal's (Clark's) life. It really is pretty fucking disgusting. Disgusting is the feeling where your eyes mist up and your heart feels like it's too big to contain in your chest and you simply want to weep into a pillow in joy and sadness and nostalgia? Am I getting that right?

Superman's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm beginning this series at Rank #52 because I really don't need to be reading it. I know everything there is to know about The New 52, right? So how is any of this going to matter to me?! Let me say this: Greg Pak's take on the Superman Origin from the point of view of his mothers was pretty fucking good. That was a nice surprise. Although, as a Master Comic Book Reader, I expected him to pull something like this out of his ass! So bravo to me! Where's my attention and accolades for doing nothing but saying, "I'm sure the story will be less origin and more theme-oriented"? Somebody get me another gold star!

Robin (the Dick Version)
We all know Dick Grayson became Robin when his parents were shot in the face while performing a triple back flip on the trapeze. Then Bruce Wayne was all, "Woah! That's practically what happened to me! And you know, having a kid around the house would probably get Alfred off my back. Jesus, aren't butlers supposed to be unemotional and detached?!" So maybe this story will show how Dick was so filled with his parents love that, when they died, he didn't have to resort to breaking criminal's legs and grinding his teeth while he slept.

The story begins with Dick hanging out at Amusement Mile with his mom and dad. Because he's a good kid that doesn't mind being seen with his mom and dad. They appreciate it and let him run off to tool around with Saiko but not before his father grills him one last time about tomorrow.

It's a bracelet with humming birds on it! That Dick eventually gives to the girl that will become his sidekick! And she'll call herself Hummingbird!

Actually it's a bracelet with Robins on it. Although I'm pretty sure they're actually hummingbirds and everybody is being nice so that Dick's feelings aren't hurt that he was ripped off by the eBay seller.

This was in response to his wife accusing him of padding his trapeze costume.

Actually nobody gets shot in the face. I think I'm conflating Deadman's origin with Dick Grayson's! Their trapeze gives way to make it look like an accident although Tony Zucco yelling, "Boo Yah!", in the back of the tent as the Graysons fall to their death seems like a bit of a giveaway.

Am I the only one that always reads Dick's name as an insult? "Yo dick! Remember me?!" It doesn't help that DC still utilizes all capital letters.

Eventually a robin flies through a window at Wayne Manor and before Alfred can swat it with a frying pan, Bruce points out that in some cultures Robins are seen as a sign of growing up. In some cultures, they're also a sign of bad costume design.

A year after Dick's parents' deaths, Dick wonders how he should remember them. Alfred points out that Bruce is a pessimistic old downer and Robin should be the opposite of that. So Dick goes to Amusement Mile to celebrate their life.

Robin's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. One major new twist in this bit was the connection to Amusement Mile. I like that that was the last family day he spent with his parents so it's also the place where he celebrates their life a year later. It makes his decision to buy the place mean that much more. I guess it also means its more tragic that The Joker burned it to the ground!

Supergirl
I already explained Supergirl's origin previously, so I'll just get to reading it here. I just hope Harvest doesn't make a fucking appearance! Tony Bedard might still be suffering from the effects of having Dan DiDio attached to his sternum sucking out his soul.

All the usual stuff happens. Kara shot off to Earth. Zor-el shot. Argo City saved for a brief time.

They did not. Although the moment before their deaths was one of my favorite pages in all of The New 52. It was in the pages of Cyborg Superman #1.

After getting to Earth, Supergirl's origin story explains her powers. Since they're all the same powers that Superman has, it's probably nothing new to anybody reading it. But then this penultimate panel explains the theme of this origin story so that I don't have to work it out!

In other words, "Fuck off, asshat."

Supergirl's Secret Origin Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm giving it a positive ranking not because it really delved too deeply into Kara's character but because it pretty much explained why she always punches things in the face. Because she's doing things her way! And punching people in the face is the right thing to do even if there are consequences which she doesn't understand! So stop trying to make her conform to your Kryptonian Man Rules, Superman! Is that what the "S" stands for? "Sexist"?

Instead of an "ending" pic, here's a "beginning" pic because it's an origin. Also, this picture is adorable.