Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How dare The Scarecrow interrupt blow job time.

This would be a fun comic book if it were just about Dick Grayson remembering his early adventures with Batman. Maybe a present day story introducing Cassandra Cain could also take place but why does it have to be some kind of crazy revelation to Batman and Robin's history? DC doesn't remember that the word "subtle" exists in the English language. What did we learn from Batman Eternal? I know it's hard to remember what it was about because it took 52 weeks to complete but let's try and remember. What we learned was that Batman is a shittier detective than DC Comics would like us to believe. He was nearly beaten by Cluemaster. No, let me amend that statement! He was beaten by Cluemaster! He would have been killed by Cluemaster if Lincoln March hadn't come along and accidentally saved Batman by killing Cluemaster. So after fifty-two weeks, we learned that Cluemaster is the greatest Batman villain of all time. I would have accepted that story if Steph had been the one to kill Cluemaster though. Then Batman would have taken her under his wing to train her because he would have seen a spark of genius and the ability to survive. He would have wanted to save her because her father was just gunned down! But she would have been a seriously flawed Robin because she would always worry that she wasn't good enough because her last action before becoming a Robin was killing even if it was to save Batman's life. That I would have accepted. Having Cluemaster's financier save Batman? Almost as ridiculous as having Cluemaster beat Batman!

What I'm trying to say is I really hope this comic book doesn't try so hard that it's bound to disappoint. I just want to see young Dick Grayson working with Bruce Wayne. Hopefully when Dick finds out the crazy super secret that Bruce never wanted Dick to know, he'll just shake his head and mutter Bruce's name and forget all about it.

This issue begins with The Orphan about to kill Harper Row. He's toyed with her the appropriate amount of time that will ensure he'll fail. Villains really need to learn to pull the trigger quicker. You know what kind of villain would be a great success? A premature ejaculator! Just about all of the villains in comics right now are delayed ejaculators who never get to experience the money shot before their partner falls asleep tired and frustrated.

I was going to scan the panel where Spoiler inevitably flies through the window and beats the crap out of The Orphan but it wound up spanning two pages and that's just too much for my tight little scanner. Also it was Cassandra Cain and not Spoiler. So instead I'll scan a picture of The Orphan crying like Teleman after Death Rock fart's loudly in Teleman's face and then Death Rock blames it on Teleman and everybody calls Teleman gross for farting.

The tears are from the humiliation and the powerful sting of Death Rock's butt wind.

I wonder if I could convince Death Rock and other members of the Galactic Hero Corps to write some comic book reviews for me? I could work on all of my novels if I could talk them into doing this work for me!

Harper Row has a Mucous Membrane poster on her wall which proves she's actually the coolest of all of Batman's sidekicks. I wonder if she'll add some occult mumbo-jumbo to some of her future technological marvels?

Dick Grayson arrives at Harper's place because he's following a hunch he got after chewing the Batgum Cassandra gave to him. He flips and flops up the side of the building while Steph watches from outside and slowly unzips her pants so she can get her whole fist in there.

Splorch! Squorch! Splotch! Squarsh! Shplorph!

I hope I spelled the sex sounds right! That's how they sound like they're spelled whenever I listen to Nice Alice and Death Rock having sex in Insectorama's bed. Some of the sounds might be wrong because they're mixed with the sound of Insectorama's muffled screams because they usually do it while he's still in the bed. Death Rock says he comes harder when "some Jovi fan is struggling for breath with my knee on his throat."

Between Cassandra and Harper's taser, The Orphan gets knocked out the window. Dick catches him because he forgot about Batman's rule where if you forget to catch the bad guy as they fall to their death, it isn't your fault. Dick gets one of The Orphan's knees to his face for his efforts which probably would have made Batman laugh! He would have been all, "You forgot page six hundred and seventy nine of my Manual of Not Ever Being Blamed for a Bad Guy's Death!" Cassandra goes after the escaping Orphan as Dick checks on Harper and Stephanie struggles to remove her fist from her vagina.

That's her catch phrase? "Spoiler Alert"?

Here's a spoiler alert for you, Spoiler! If you want to maintain the integrity of your secret identity, maybe don't announce who your roommate is when you're in costume and your roommate isn't in costume and also when you are in your flat.

Cassandra knocked the tubes out of The Orphan's mask as they were fighting and now Dick Grayson smells fear gas. It sends him into a sweet nostalgic flashback when he was Robin and working with Batman. They had chased Doctor Crane into a cornfield outside of Gotham.

Thanks for the unnecessary information, Batman!

Maybe the information about crop circles isn't extraneous information! Maybe Batman will discover that The Scarecrow's fear toxin is what makes people create crop circles! Maybe the circles are representative of their greatest fears!

Dick Grayson experiences his first dose of fear toxin when The Scarecrow ambushes them. His revealed fear is that he's too jolly and upbeat for The Batman and that he's just not good enough. I can see how he would worry about that when he's just starting out. But by now, he's probably the only Robin who knows better. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dick Grayson actually realizes he's better at being Batman than Batman is, although he'd never say so out loud!

Tim Drake stops by Harper's apartment so that she can put a fist in her vagina too. I hope this issue ends with a big sex party! What was the rating on the cover? Darn. Rated T for Teen! Stupid teens aren't ready to know about sex so there won't be any sex in this issue. You'll have to learn somewhere else how guys and girls do it. And when you do, send me a message so I can confirm whether you got it right or not. Maybe send pictures too?

Dick realizes that the first four people on the cartoon that came with the Batgum are almost all currently in the apartment. The only one missing is Jason Todd. So they give him a call only to discover he's hanging out at Noonan's Sleazy Bar and pointing a gun at Cassandra Cain. I guess The Orphan got away. Maybe The Orphan is Hacken!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've been wanting a comic book that focuses on all of the bat children for quite some time and this issue did a good job of shoving them all into the same space. Tim and Jason didn't get much time but maybe next issue will really get these kids working together. Poor Batman. I think he's best on his own or with the Justice League. He never really works great with his sidekicks because, inevitably, the writer will make him treat them like garbage. But he raises some interesting kids who truly care for each other (sometimes. Like, you know, when Jason Todd isn't threatening to shoot them all). I like how this comic is getting Harper right in the mix, and getting Steph and Cassandra back into it. It won't satisfy the people who believe the history and stories of characters are rendered non-existent once DC changed continuity. Only maturity can rectify that as they realize that comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist. It's just best to believe that all stories you love are true, all the stories you hate never happened, and never, ever take your cue about what to believe from the people in charge.