Dark Nights: Batman The Murder Machine #1

I opened a glorious portal into another world by scanning this metallic cover. Then I put my dick in it.

This comic book looks like the kind of comic book the ten year old version of me would have picked up off a spinner rack because it looked so fucking cool. Then I would have gone home, read it, and learned about disappointment!

I haven't actually been disappointed by the book yet but I'm a rational being who can take evidence of the world around me to help predict the outcome of certain events. Seeing as how this book is written by Frank Tieri, I'm 95% certain that it will be terrible. But there's definitely a 5% chance that I'll love the fuck out of this book because look at the poorly scanned cover! It's Batman as a murder machine!

The most interesting thing about this cover is that Batman doesn't need to be a murder machine to defeat the Justice League. He's done it multiple times before by just being regular old non-murdery, non-machine Batman!

This issue begins with Silas Stone unfazed by hackers breaking into STAR Labs computers.

"Oh, don't worry about that alarm! I have alarms set to alert me to failed hacking attempts. They're going off all the time! If a hacking attempt actually gets through the Firewall, you'll hear a farting noise."

This issue is called "Heavy Metal" and I'm already anticipating big cartoon tits and rippling animated bushes! Speaking of those things, does anybody else spontaneously orgasm when they hear Sammy Hagar's voice on the radio?

Writing credits are given to both Frank Tieri and James Tynion IV. Since James Tynion IV's name isn't on the cover, my guess is that Frank Tieri's original script was so terrible that James had to be called in to punch it up. Or what about this possibility: Tieri's script was so bigoted and vile that Tynion was brought in to slap him in the face with a copy of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.

Cyborg is on the Watchtower while he's speaking with his father. Cyborg was concerned about the random ringing noises in his father's lab but he was all, "Don't worry about it!" Now there's some beeping in Cyborg's space and Silas is all, "What's going on? Is that an attack?!" Who hears "Beep Beep" and thinks somebody is getting attacked? Maybe somebody's burrito has finished heating up.

Oh, also? Cyborg is being attacked!

whew! I was worried. I'm glad the Murder Machine is here to help!

Murder Machines don't kill people! People kill people!

Once Cyborg is put down by the Murder Machine, the story flashes back to months ago on Earth -44. That's Earth-Negative-Forty-Four, just to be clear! I hope the Dark Multiverse Earth-44 is similar to the Lit Multiverse Earth-44 because Green Arrow is fat in that one.

I wonder what dark thought of Batman's created Earth-Negative-Forty-Four? I bet he once walked in on Alfred sleeping and noticed Alfred had a sleep erection which Batman briefly considered flicking with his finger. And boom! Earth-Negative-Forty-Four!

The Dark Earths only last for a limited amount of time but nobody has yet mentioned how long that is. I wonder if it depends on the severity of the dark thought? And do they come into existence at the beginning of the Earth's formation? Or do they skew off the timeline at the moment of the dark thought after which shit escalates really quickly for the brief life of the dark Earth? Why isn't anybody answering these questions for me?!

Apparently, the dark thought that formed this world was Batman contemplating Alfred's death. That's similar and just as boring as the dark thought about the death of Batman's beloved children (and Jason Todd) that spawned the Red Death's Earth. I wish somebody would get more imaginative about how these Earth's were spawned! I wonder how Batjoker's Earth spawned? Did Batman consider fellating the Joker?

Just like on Earth -52, once Batman received the powers of another Justice League member (this time Cyborg who helped bring Alfred back as a robot butler/father/wife), he uses his new power to go around killing all of his enemies. It's a good thing Batman is only just as powerful as he is! Look at what happens as soon as he gets a hint of a super power! Super powers truly do super corrupt absolutely!

It might happen a little differently than that but my synopsis is close enough! Here, look at this scene and stop thinking about my skewing of plot points to fit my agenda:

Don't speed walk away from them! They only want to help!

Cyborg winds up dismembered the way all the robotic superheroes always wind up when they're defeated. It kind of makes you wonder why super villains aren't tearing off the limbs of organic heroes when you'd expect those limbs to tear off far more easily than robot limbs. I suppose it's because even Fangenders would find it less believable to keep having to put Batman back together than having to put Red Tornado back together. Although nobody seemed to complain about Alfred getting his hand back so easily. See, editorial? Fangenders will buy into anything! Now start ripping people's arms and legs off already!

Dark Nights: Batman the Murder Machine #1 Rating: Seventeen stars! But that's out of 136, so it's a relatively poor rating. Mostly I didn't find the art pleasing in any way. Also I couldn't enjoy the story because I kept thinking, "Frank Tieri wrote this so it must be bad," which led me to believe it was bad. Was it really bad? Probably! It was about Cyborg! I guess that doesn't technically make it bad but it does make it boring.

Batman and Robin Eternal #3

Gotham City gets destroyed so often they really should add a version number after the name.

In the Disqus forum of my last intellectually critical commentary on this comic book, Commenter Peg said, "[I]s this a thing that keeps happening? That canon doesn't matter, because new writers will erase what happened before if they don't like it? Because if so I quit. I'm not giving my money anymore on these expensive comics if they can't keep their story straight. If history doesn't matter, then might as well make up my own. What's the difference? I don't even have to pay anything for it," in response to my claim that "comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist." I must answer "Yes, this is a thing" because comic books are a strange beast which stands alone in our entertainment sphere, especially now in the 21st Century and the internet age. Today, we expect television shows, book trilogies (trilogy here meaning, of course, however many books are published until the author dies or gets bored), and movie franchises to tell coherent long-form stories. In these formats, nobody expects something that was mentioned in Episode Eight of a television show, or in the first book of a trilogy, or in the third sequel of a movie franchise to suddenly be changed on a whim. My guess is that people born post Return of the Jedi have lived in a world where most of the entertainment media they've consumed has tried its best to maintain a cohesive narrative. But comic books are of a different nature because they do not, and were never meant, to tell a structured story with a beginning, middle, and end. The characters must exist outside of time but must also appeal to the current generations picking them up and reading them. They must reflect the current zeitgeist or they will become relics. And for this to happen, the characters must constantly be reimagined.

Because of the expected narrative structure of every bit of media we consume today, it's hard to swallow when comic books do the unimaginable and change the histories of the characters. Can you imagine if Lost had kept changing its mind on what things meant and then...oh wait. That's a bad example. What if the writers of Bones decided that in the current season, Angel was just never married to Jess's sister anymore? People would go apeshit! I think. Does anybody even watch Bones anymore? Anyway, we expect television to not mess with the story told to us in previous episodes and seasons. It's hard to believe there was a time when television shows hardly cared about the continuity from one episode to the next. They generally maintained a sense of "soft continuity" which was really just the established parameters of the premise or the situation. My mother used to dislike shows which she disdainfully referred to as "soap operas" because they relied too much on a long story arc across the season. Before that, characters could change and grow but they really were just plunked down in the same situation week after week without any real reference to previous episodes. The comedy Soap was called Soap because they were playing off the idea that the show's story just kept continuing week after week. But if you watch it now, the continuing premise wouldn't be anything different and the title would be redundant. Soap might just be called Arrested Development and everybody would expect the story to continue from one week to the next. The first drama I watched which I really remember telling the kind of long narrative story expected from television shows today was Wiseguy. Twin Peaks also broke that barrier but even Lynch's show played on the idea that it was basically a soap opera. It even parodied itself in the fake in-show soap opera, "Invitation to Love."

Just a bit of imagery to break up the boring words.

Movie franchises were a bit ahead of television shows in trying to keep a cohesive narrative across multiple films. But even here, it was rare. A series like The Godfather or Star Wars were made to tell a long story and would have been ruined by playing fast and loose with the previous movie's revelations. But continuity mattered less in other film franchises which only produced sequels because the first movie was a hit. And of course novels have always been expected to play as fair as possible. But comic books...oh, comic books. What was going on with them?

Comic books have never had the luxury of maintaining a cohesive narrative across long stretches of time because their audience is constantly changing. Nobody expected anyone but kids to be reading Batman when he first came on the scene. And nobody expected those kids to keep reading Batman as they aged. So Batman couldn't age. Who wants to read about a sixty-five year old vigilante breaking his hip as he tries to swing across Gotham? So the characters aren't allowed to age but they have to interact with the world in which the readers live. The scenery behind the characters flits past, constantly changing and updating, while the characters remain the same age. Certain historical moments that might have been incorporated into the story of the character have to change as those moments move further and further into the past and mean less and less to the new readers coming of comic book reading age. And what about the writers, artists, and editors? The characters outlive them decade after decade. Of course no new writer is going to be compelled to come on to a Batman book if they have to keep the character true to its decades old roots. Sometimes writers will come along and write a new definitive take on a character which the current generation latches onto. That's now who Batman is no matter how upset it might make Batman's older fans who never thought of Batman in this updated way. And eventually, Batman becomes the culmination of a whole bunch of seminal stories that nearly everybody thinks of when they think of Batman. And if there were times in Batman's history that nobody looks fondly on? They're forgotten as if they never happened. But for some people who like that time? They still matter. Things have to change. Things must constantly be updated. But the characters have so much history, parts of which conflict with other parts, that the character means something different to everybody who loves it.

My main point about loving comic book characters no matter how much they change due to "writers, editors, or the current zeitgeist" is that any character you fall in love with continues to exist no matter what future changes eventually turn the character on its head. Because the character you fell in love with is almost certainly not the character she was fifteen years before you discovered her. Do not let the comic book company dictate the stories you cherish simply because they've retconned them out of existence. Do not give the companies power over your fandom. Things in comics will change because they have to change. They are not indebted to any one generation's likes, values, and mores. Nor should they be.

In Dan Jurgens' Bat-mite, Gridlock says, "I have sworn to preserve the world as it is and forestall the devastating changes younger generations would inflict on us." That seems to be a common theme with comic book fans who dislike change. As much as I love to make fun of Dan Jurgens for being stuck in the eighties, his current Bat-mite is an intelligently put together parable about how each generation of comic book fans believes the era in which they fell in love with comics to remain the norm. And that's just not how comic books work. The longer you remain a fan, the more often some character or story or Reboot is going to break your heart. Once you can learn to live with this fact, and realize that the characters you love are made up of the stories you choose to remember, the less angry letters to the editors forum rants you'll wind up writing.

And now it's time to read the comic book!

Dick and the other Batkids arrive at Noonan's Sleazy Bar to keep Jason Todd from getting killed by Cassandra Cain. Is this the part where Sixpack tries to recruit them all for Section Eight? I think Dick would fit in perfectly. He could change his name to Tight Ass and wear ass-less chaps. Between Dick Grayson and Bueno Excellente, they could seduce any super villain they encounter!

The Batkids head out to the Batcave because Batman is out of town. Or his mind. Whatever. It's definitely an adult-free space so it's the place to hang and have sex with each other. They can do Scarecrow Toxin Whippits and play Seven Minutes Behind the Giant Penny. Although the giant penny was turned into a merry-go-round at Lucius Fox's Home for Wayward Youths. And the giant dinosaur was turned into a slide although the giant dinosaur is still in the cave with the randy kids. Continuity Violation! I call Continuity Violation!

Once in the cave, Harper gets laid up in the intravenous healing tea injection table while the rest of the Batkids try to figure out a way to get Cassandra Cain to talk.

Blasphemy! Candy does not equal circus peanuts! And Tim's supposed to be the smart one!

Cassandra taps each of the male Batkids in safe places: Hood is the hand, Tim is the head, Dick is the heart. Then she goes over to touch Harper's stubbornness and Stephanie's funny bone.

Helena gets back in touch with Dick to let him know that she found a reference to Mother in one of Agent Zero's diaries from about twenty-five years ago. It turns out Mother has the capability of producing "designer human beings" for anything a person might need. Red Hood suggests that maybe Batman used it to design his Robins. Dick and Tim seem like they'd like to argue the point but, really, how many times has Batman betrayed their trust in the past? Pretty much once per week. I'm pointing to the Circus Peanuts as treats as proof of one betrayal.

It's only Issue Three and I've actually already voiced my objections to the Batman creating his sidekicks plot when the Sneak Peek came out on my birthday Batman Day. If it turns out that Batman somehow had a hand in creating each Robin, even if he just special ordered them through Mother, the writing crew had better come up with an incredibly crazy but believable and emotional reason for it. Otherwise they're just cribbing the "Joker made Jason Todd into Robin" plot from Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws Zero Issue. Which I ranted and raved about back then.

Time for a flashback to after Dick was gassed by the Scarecrow and Batman rushed him back to the Batcave to describe the experience. I mean to care for him! No, no. It really was just to describe the experience. Batman is one hard motherfucker.

I like how Dick is giving Bruce a little side glance as he admits to his fear, just waiting for Batman to assure him it's not true. Or fearful Bruce is going to agree.

Bruce tells Robin that he saw nothing when he was dosed. Now Dick's memory ramps up his paranoia that what Bruce saw had something to do with Mother and her help in creating the Robins. His flashback is interrupted by Helena with more information. It seems Poppy ate her nanites. But before doing so, one of them hacked her cell phone and figured out where Poppy's outgoing calls to Gotham were headed. To a place where Bruce Wayne is being celebrated. Dick ditches the other kids and rushes off to save Bruce in much the same way Batman would have ditched them all without actually telling them all the details and asking for help. He really is a good Batman replacement!

Tim Drake mans the Batcomputer to watch Dick's back while Cassandra Cain and Harper Row slip off into the shadows to hopefully get that Batkid sex going. Somebody's got to do something sexual soon! I'd be happy with Red Hood pulling out his balls and lying them against Tim's neck as Tim is concentrating on the Batcomputer!

Bruce Wayne gets invited to check out the kitchen at the "Welcome Back, Bruce Wayne (Again!)" party. But instead of getting a tasty treat, he gets ambushed by a bunch of Mother's children. He'd better hope his martial arts training wasn't written over by the Dionesium!

Batman and Robin Eternal #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'd better give it as many increases in rank as I can while I'm still enjoying the interactions of the Batkids. I have a feeling when Bruce's Bat-secret is revealed, things are going to get incredibly stupid and outlandish and unbelievable and insane and I'm really not going to be very happy about it all.

Batman and Robin Eternal #2

How dare The Scarecrow interrupt blow job time.

This would be a fun comic book if it were just about Dick Grayson remembering his early adventures with Batman. Maybe a present day story introducing Cassandra Cain could also take place but why does it have to be some kind of crazy revelation to Batman and Robin's history? DC doesn't remember that the word "subtle" exists in the English language. What did we learn from Batman Eternal? I know it's hard to remember what it was about because it took 52 weeks to complete but let's try and remember. What we learned was that Batman is a shittier detective than DC Comics would like us to believe. He was nearly beaten by Cluemaster. No, let me amend that statement! He was beaten by Cluemaster! He would have been killed by Cluemaster if Lincoln March hadn't come along and accidentally saved Batman by killing Cluemaster. So after fifty-two weeks, we learned that Cluemaster is the greatest Batman villain of all time. I would have accepted that story if Steph had been the one to kill Cluemaster though. Then Batman would have taken her under his wing to train her because he would have seen a spark of genius and the ability to survive. He would have wanted to save her because her father was just gunned down! But she would have been a seriously flawed Robin because she would always worry that she wasn't good enough because her last action before becoming a Robin was killing even if it was to save Batman's life. That I would have accepted. Having Cluemaster's financier save Batman? Almost as ridiculous as having Cluemaster beat Batman!

What I'm trying to say is I really hope this comic book doesn't try so hard that it's bound to disappoint. I just want to see young Dick Grayson working with Bruce Wayne. Hopefully when Dick finds out the crazy super secret that Bruce never wanted Dick to know, he'll just shake his head and mutter Bruce's name and forget all about it.

This issue begins with The Orphan about to kill Harper Row. He's toyed with her the appropriate amount of time that will ensure he'll fail. Villains really need to learn to pull the trigger quicker. You know what kind of villain would be a great success? A premature ejaculator! Just about all of the villains in comics right now are delayed ejaculators who never get to experience the money shot before their partner falls asleep tired and frustrated.

I was going to scan the panel where Spoiler inevitably flies through the window and beats the crap out of The Orphan but it wound up spanning two pages and that's just too much for my tight little scanner. Also it was Cassandra Cain and not Spoiler. So instead I'll scan a picture of The Orphan crying like Teleman after Death Rock fart's loudly in Teleman's face and then Death Rock blames it on Teleman and everybody calls Teleman gross for farting.

The tears are from the humiliation and the powerful sting of Death Rock's butt wind.

I wonder if I could convince Death Rock and other members of the Galactic Hero Corps to write some comic book reviews for me? I could work on all of my novels if I could talk them into doing this work for me!

Harper Row has a Mucous Membrane poster on her wall which proves she's actually the coolest of all of Batman's sidekicks. I wonder if she'll add some occult mumbo-jumbo to some of her future technological marvels?

Dick Grayson arrives at Harper's place because he's following a hunch he got after chewing the Batgum Cassandra gave to him. He flips and flops up the side of the building while Steph watches from outside and slowly unzips her pants so she can get her whole fist in there.

Splorch! Squorch! Splotch! Squarsh! Shplorph!

I hope I spelled the sex sounds right! That's how they sound like they're spelled whenever I listen to Nice Alice and Death Rock having sex in Insectorama's bed. Some of the sounds might be wrong because they're mixed with the sound of Insectorama's muffled screams because they usually do it while he's still in the bed. Death Rock says he comes harder when "some Jovi fan is struggling for breath with my knee on his throat."

Between Cassandra and Harper's taser, The Orphan gets knocked out the window. Dick catches him because he forgot about Batman's rule where if you forget to catch the bad guy as they fall to their death, it isn't your fault. Dick gets one of The Orphan's knees to his face for his efforts which probably would have made Batman laugh! He would have been all, "You forgot page six hundred and seventy nine of my Manual of Not Ever Being Blamed for a Bad Guy's Death!" Cassandra goes after the escaping Orphan as Dick checks on Harper and Stephanie struggles to remove her fist from her vagina.

That's her catch phrase? "Spoiler Alert"?

Here's a spoiler alert for you, Spoiler! If you want to maintain the integrity of your secret identity, maybe don't announce who your roommate is when you're in costume and your roommate isn't in costume and also when you are in your flat.

Cassandra knocked the tubes out of The Orphan's mask as they were fighting and now Dick Grayson smells fear gas. It sends him into a sweet nostalgic flashback when he was Robin and working with Batman. They had chased Doctor Crane into a cornfield outside of Gotham.

Thanks for the unnecessary information, Batman!

Maybe the information about crop circles isn't extraneous information! Maybe Batman will discover that The Scarecrow's fear toxin is what makes people create crop circles! Maybe the circles are representative of their greatest fears!

Dick Grayson experiences his first dose of fear toxin when The Scarecrow ambushes them. His revealed fear is that he's too jolly and upbeat for The Batman and that he's just not good enough. I can see how he would worry about that when he's just starting out. But by now, he's probably the only Robin who knows better. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dick Grayson actually realizes he's better at being Batman than Batman is, although he'd never say so out loud!

Tim Drake stops by Harper's apartment so that she can put a fist in her vagina too. I hope this issue ends with a big sex party! What was the rating on the cover? Darn. Rated T for Teen! Stupid teens aren't ready to know about sex so there won't be any sex in this issue. You'll have to learn somewhere else how guys and girls do it. And when you do, send me a message so I can confirm whether you got it right or not. Maybe send pictures too?

Dick realizes that the first four people on the cartoon that came with the Batgum are almost all currently in the apartment. The only one missing is Jason Todd. So they give him a call only to discover he's hanging out at Noonan's Sleazy Bar and pointing a gun at Cassandra Cain. I guess The Orphan got away. Maybe The Orphan is Hacken!

Batman and Robin Eternal #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. I've been wanting a comic book that focuses on all of the bat children for quite some time and this issue did a good job of shoving them all into the same space. Tim and Jason didn't get much time but maybe next issue will really get these kids working together. Poor Batman. I think he's best on his own or with the Justice League. He never really works great with his sidekicks because, inevitably, the writer will make him treat them like garbage. But he raises some interesting kids who truly care for each other (sometimes. Like, you know, when Jason Todd isn't threatening to shoot them all). I like how this comic is getting Harper right in the mix, and getting Steph and Cassandra back into it. It won't satisfy the people who believe the history and stories of characters are rendered non-existent once DC changed continuity. Only maturity can rectify that as they realize that comic book continuity is always being fucked with depending on the writer, editors, and the current zeitgeist. It's just best to believe that all stories you love are true, all the stories you hate never happened, and never, ever take your cue about what to believe from the people in charge.

Convergence: Speed Force #2

The person fucking Wally should be a turtle person but what do you think I am? Some kind of turtle person artist?

Here's a tip to young writers: begin wanting to be a writer younger! I used to think people that knew what they wanted to be when they were four years old were weirdo freaky-doos. But now that I'm 43, I realize that they just, somehow, got a gift of a head-start in life. Lucky bastards. It's not like at four years old some people are more organized than others. They just glommed onto something they really enjoyed for some reason. And it's entirely possible the adult them is just retconning what they thought as a child because it all worked out for them. How should I know since I never felt like I knew what I wanted to do?

Here were my favorite pastimes as a child: reading Choose Your Own Adventure books into a tape recorder while lounging in a paisley beanbag so I could read stories to myself before napping; staring for hours (and not because I was bored); throwing huge tantrums over the slightest inconvenience; Dungeons and Dragons; comic books; The Wizard of Oz books; old men; Scatman Crothers; sitting in my neighbor's Loquat tree and eating all of the fruit out of it while saving the pits to use as props with my Star Wars action figures; astronomy; cartoon tag; freeze tag; robot tag; any kind of tag; digging holes in my backyard; magnets; doing anything in the padded gymnastic room at the elementary school; having no more than three friends at one time; Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?; watching Benny Hill and Johnny Carson with my grandmother; watching Captain Cosmic; drinking milk; arcade games. I could probably go on and on for like two or three more sentences even but you get the idea. I was into certain things as a kid which makes me totally way more unique than a person who just claims they're the regular kind of unique.

The point is that nothing in that list was "want to be a writer like five years ago, dumb dumb." So how was I supposed to pursue writing when I didn't know pursuing careers was an adult thing to do?! Why didn't somebody sit me down and say, "Do things like this!" Oh wait. I think they tried to do that constantly except I had a love of throwing terrible tantrums any time anybody took me out of my comfort zone (my comfort zone being, mostly, the beanbag). So don't listen to stupid, nonsensical writing advice like "Finish things" and "Do stuff" and "Art it out, Motherfuckers." Listen to my advice and want to be a writer earlier than you realized you wanted to be a writer. It'll help a lot!

She's not listening, Wally! How can she concentrate with that ridiculous turtle standing behind you?!

Instead of disarming Wonder Woman and tying her up at super speed, Wally decides to convince Wonder Woman that fighting isn't the best idea. He really should just defeat her first and tell her fighting is wrong second. The Flash is the most powerful character in the DC Universe but he's limited by his lack of imagination. Can you imagine if Batman had super speed?! Wally can't. Lack of imagination, remember? I just typed it like the sentence before! You might have Alzheimer's which isn't a joke because Alzheimer's is nothing to laugh at. Especially if you have it because instead of laughing you'd just be all, "What?"

You mean "alternate times sake."

Here's another writing tip: you're not a writer if all you ever do is write about the stories you think you're eventually going to write. That's called trying to impress people with your lack of actually being a writer. Same goes for telling people your stories instead of actually sitting down and doing the work. At that point, you're just a slacker storyteller. I have nothing against slackers or storytellers because I don't hate myself. But if you want to put "Writer" on your business card, go ahead. Who's stopping you? Call yourself whatever you want! But if you want it to be true, you need to actually write. Otherwise your business card should just read, "Person Who Wants Other People To Think I'm A Writer."

Here's another writing tip: if you find writing hard, just give other people tips on how to write. It'll make you seem like you must be a writer or else why would you be giving out such stellar writing advice like "Use words" and "Try to invent a time machine so you can go back in time and steal Steinbeck's final draft of The Grapes of Wrath."

Wally tells Diana don't be a puppet. Diana says, "Okay! I won't be a puppet! Starting with you trying to make me your puppet but I'm already committed to being a puppet of that Telos guy. Sorry." And Fastback is all, "I have a beak! That's weird, right? That turtles have beaks? The world is crazy!"

The Flash tries to end the fight but finds out that Flashpoint Wonder Woman has the speed of Hermes. That means she's faster than The Flash which means he'd better pull some of that "You're not faster than the speed of thought!" lazy writing to defeat her. Wally doesn't even see her move as she grabs his arm and throws him to the ground while he's traveling at super speed. So remember how I said this comic book should be over in one page? I still stand by that! Except Wonder Woman should be the victorious character.

No wait. It turns out The Flash is slightly faster than Wonder Woman so this fight may as well be a fight between two people who move at regular speeds. While Wally and Diana battle, Fastback takes Flash's kids and heads back to Wally's Gotham to defend the city against an army of Amazons. See? That's clever writing. The turtle is made for defense and now Fastback is going to go defend!

The weirdest part of this story so far is that it contains no puns. What are you doing, Tony Bedard? This comic book has both Flash and a character from the Amazing Zoo Crew. It should be nothing but pun after pun!

Did nobody else think that the term "heroes in a half-shell" was just a terribly disturbing image of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

What does growing big and strong have to do with the Speed Force? He may as well have the Speed Force power to remove a letter from another hero's name to transform them into something else! Superman would become the disquieting Sperman! Batman would become Batma! Other heroes would become other nonsensical words that would make the power useless!

Fastback fails at stopping the Amazons because the kids have got to be the heroes in this story. It just makes sense. Why are they here? What's the purpose of their being dragged around behind their dad in his Speed Force wake? Kids have to be portrayed as useful somehow! Fiction is the only way for parents to convince themselves that they didn't make a huge mistake bringing children into the world. They look at their disappointing progeny and think that after they've used the time machine to go back and kill Steinbeck, they'll use it to go back to when their children were conceived and slip a condom into the mix. But when the kids are out of sight and the parent is able to read fiction where children do something heroic, they can smile and rest comfortably in the lie that maybe their kids are capable of greatness as well.

Meanwhile in Diana's Gotham, The Flash has found himself tied up in the Golden Lasso of Truth.

Jesus Christ, will somebody just put a spear in him please?

This is one of the biggest failings in popular stories! Who writes these things and believes that the antagonist who has shown no compassion throughout the entire story will somehow be shamed by the words of the protagonist? Is Diana supposed to feel bad about her life now because Wally spoke "the truth"? Of course that's the truth...according to his sense of righteousness. The only way Diana takes his words to heart, slumps her shoulders, and says "You're right! I'm a monster!" is if she's been written incorrectly in all the pages before this. Now she'll break down weeping about how she let her love for Aquaman be twisted into callousness and mean-spirited chicanery! Then Flash's children will hug her and say, "You can be our new mommy!" And then Fastback will bite off her head while she's distracted.

In high school, I wrote a story about a nerdy, wimpy kid getting the chance to play baseball with the older kids that always bullied him. I set the scene just as you'd expect with the kid stepping up to the plate ready to prove himself to the other kids and to the world and to himself! He was going to be a hero of his own story! But it ends without the kid even having a chance because the bully's first pitch bashes him in the face, exactly where it was aimed. Stop believing the assholes in life are anything but assholes, Hollywood. You think shaming them at the end of an hour and a half story will make them realize what huge losers they are? Forget it! Most of those speeches like the one The Flash delivers in the previous panel should be interrupted halfway through by a fist to the face.

While Diana is distracted by Speed Force arrival of The Flash's kids, she's kicked in the head by The Flash. He then ties her up at superspeed and the fight is over about twenty pages after it should have been wrapped up. And The Flash somehow credits his kids as being his strength or something. Yeah, good luck superheroing without your super power but with a couple of brats in tow!

The Amazons retreat because Diana needs them to untie her and lick her wounds, especially the wound right on her sphincter. And maybe a little ways up into the sphincter, depending on how long the medic's tongue is.

The timequake happens and The Flash's daughter goes, "Hey! A thing!" And Fastback goes, "But kind of more than a thing!" And the Flash goes, "Yeah! It was almost like a time thing!" And then Flash's son goes, "But forget about that stuff since it'll be dealt with in the Convergence weekly, we have to deal with these Amazons!" He said that before they ran off to lick wounds!

The crowd cheers and they make sure to vocally appreciate the children as well because they're special and unique and deserve the love of everybody simply because they exist.

Convergence: Speed Force #2 Rating: This comic book never really grabbed my attention but then it never really ungrabbed my attention either. It wasn't awful but it wasn't exactly awe-inspiring either. So it rates 5 Speed Forces out of probably 10 because it was super average.

Divergence: Green Arrow
"Oliver Queen protects the streets of Seattle from forces both macabre and terrifying."

Is Green Arrow becoming a horror story as opposed to a horrible story? Will it finally be interesting?! Can somebody come up with a gimmick that will make a bow and arrow wielding hero interesting?!

I doubt it! Although a Green Arrow horror book? I'm up for it! Maybe, since the House of Secrets was in Seattle, he can use it as a headquarters! And he can be the bailiff in House of Secrets Court! He can be tasked with hauling in witnesses and coffee.

Dang it. Now that I've thought of that concept, I can't be anything but disappointed by the Divergence story.

Okay. I like how it begins.

I have this theory about Western Civilization (mostly white (or whitish, depending on how racist you are), mostly European) that I've written about in these commentaries before. Modernism and postmodernism are reactions to not just the loss of God but the loss of the Frontier. Throughout human history, humans have rarely affected actual change in the systems set in place by the powerful to control the poor and working class. So what did humans do? They escaped. They headed west. They constantly and continuously headed west. My favorite books are about people beat by the system whose only real choice is to escape the system: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Catch-22, The Grapes of Wrath, Pale Fire, House of Leaves (I think!). But once the Frontier was lost, where was there to escape to? New and inventive and, quite often, individual means of escape were needed. LSD. Communes. Apathy. Video games. Fantasy. Consumerism. Anything that could allow a person to feel they were in some kind of control while living within a system from which they could no longer escape. It was time to deconstruct that system, take it apart with words, dissect it until it no longer lives or functions properly.

So Green Arrow needs to escape. He needs to be taken apart. He needs to find a Frontier where he can begin over and forget about the past. Everything is rewritten on the Frontier. Nobody has to remember Krul or Nocenti. Alaska is Oliver's fresh start.

Jesus Christ. I'm actually tearing up. This was me at 25. Just replace the motorcycle with a VW Bus.

Holy shit. I finally feel connected to Green Arrow! I understand this Oliver! I understand the need to be nobody with no obligations to the people you've known and no obligations to the person you've been. You're brand new on the road but you're also finally, and wholly, yourself.

It's interesting (to me, if nobody else) that I mentioned House of Secrets earlier since that comic book (the 90s version with Rain as the main character) is the comic book I think about being linked to my time on the road.

Coupland called this the "mid-twenties breakdown." I also read just about everything written by Douglas Coupland in my twenties. If nothing else, it made me feel understood.

Oliver has come to a town in Alaska called Drown because that isn't too metaphorical and shit. He's going to have a pull of whisky from a keg containing a dead man. It's kind of the over-the-top comic book version of the Sourtoe Cocktail. He's heard it can grant enlightenment. But he's not actually there because of his belief in the drink's magic powers. He's there because American twenty-somethings need more than just a college degree and an apartment. They need a ritual to show them the path into adulthood. They need a fucking road map out of childhood.

Ollie crushes hard on the woman tending bar who is also the owner. He crushes in that way a person crushes when they meet a stranger during a moment in time that they've previously built up so largely in their mind that they can't not see fate and destiny at every moment. But she wanders off on break and is kidnapped by the clown that kills sheep. He's a trucker serial killer that Ollie is going to have to Green Arrow up for.

Saving the bar owner from the killer, Oliver realizes that he has never stopped being Green Arrow. On the road, he could put on a mask and forget about who he was. But in the end, he's drawn back to Seattle and his family and the life he left behind. In road parlance, we call that "losing."

Naw! Seriously though, Oliver seems to be one of those four year olds that always knew what he wanted. But now he's going back without any doubts. The road is good for clearing one's head. Family and the past and familiarity are all static that stops one from truly exploring one's own self. If nothing else, the road is a pretty good alternative to psychotherapy. And so Ollie goes back and, I'm hoping, he's going to be the guy I connected with in Divergence. I like this guy.

Convergence: Speed Force #1

I'd better not criticize this cover because I don't want Brett Booth telling me the proper way to critique something.

I never let shit go. I'm like a whiny pit bull. Maturity is when you can simply let aggravating things go because you realize the excitement of life doesn't come from drama. I don't know where it comes from but I'm pretty sure that if I were mature, I'd know it didn't come from drama. Being that I'm not mature, I tend to whinge on and on about things people did that slightly annoyed me one time and had no real impact on my life. So fuck you, Brett Booth, for being such a whiny bastard when it came to comic book fans criticizing your friend's Teen Titans cover! And now that I've said something negative, I guess I have to say something positive to make this a "real" critique. Um, your semen has a nice, tangy aftertaste that pairs well with Mountain Dew.

Looking at this cover (whoops, here I go! Creating drama!), I've figured out the limit of The Flash's speed! The faster he goes, the more he has to lean over as he runs. So the limit of his speed is when he's going so fast that he's basically sliding on his belly. And then that probably slows him down. So the fastest he can run is when his chin is nearly scraping the sidewalk.

I wish this issue were about Post-Crisis Barry Allen! Then the cover would look like this:

But it's not. This is about Wally West. The old white one not the new black one. The funny one! Not the disgruntled youth one! The one everybody loved and not the one nobody asked for.

Wally West has dragged his two kids, Jai and Iris, to Gotham to check out a "Chronal Disturbance." When he gets there, he has the feeling that this "chronal disturbance" was created by Barry Allen. Well duh! Doesn't Barry have a history of creating all of the chronal disturbances? It's the reason DC Comics killed him off in Crisis on Infinite Earths. The powers that be at DC Comics, having little imagination and constantly being upset about how they could never make perfect, logical sense of their universe, figured that if they were going to "fix" their universe by turning it into one, single universe then Barry Allen was going to have to go. And once he was dead, no writer would ever be able to create another alternate world, right? I mean, sure, they didn't kill off Wally West and he had the same powers as Barry Allen and what writer can resist an alternate reality story, right? But who would want to stab the hand that feeds them in the back by undoing the events of Crisis, right? Probably all the writers writing really although I don't know who wrote the first post-crisis story that relied on an alternate timeline or an alternate Earth. If The New 52 is any judge, it was probably quite soon after and done not by a clever writer with an interesting meta-textual story but by a crap writer with shit editors that had no idea what they were doing.

Get it? It's a sign that would never actually exist but it's funny because The Flash is going to ignore both! Also, the word "welcome" is not going to fit on that sign.

One year later, Wally is busy trying to hack through the dome with a pick axe. Some civilians wandering around the edge of the dome because they're probably looting old cars caught in the wall when the dome came down recognize him and note how crazy he's become. Speaking of the cars halfway stuck in the dome...that's kind of a nightmare story to just casually be presented in the background of a panel! Imagine being a person in the half of the car that remained while your friends or family in the other half just suddenly disappear forever.

Wally feels guilty for bringing his kids to Gotham because now they've been separated from their mother for a year. He's depressed and his kids are sad and what the fuck is wrong with this story? I thought Wally West stories were supposed to be upbeat and fun! This Wally West is depressing the shit out of me. I'm starting to wonder if I have any razors in the bathroom. Judging by the length of my scary beard, I'm going to guess I don't.

And then Planet Brainiac gives his speech about Multiversal Fight Club. I got tired of saying Thunderdome.

Great. A Flash not playing by the rules? You know what that means! New universal crisis! And right in the middle of a universal crisis! What are the odds?

Flash makes it to El Inferno just in time to see it all whither to dust and blow away in the wind. And not just the buildings! He watches people disintegrate right before his eyes! Oh, DC Comics! You just love to kill your old stories, don't you? "We already made money on them! They don't exist anymore! You fans! Stop thinking they exist! We tell you how to read our stories, okay?! Just be grateful we're going to bring back Pre-Flashpoint Gotham because you all whined so much! Fuckers. How dare you force our hands! Well, we'll show you! Unlike all of our Past Crises, this time we're now going to permanently permanently kill characters you love! For real this time! We mean it! Whoever fails is gone forever! Suck it!"

Wally thinks about his kids and they're suddenly sucked back into his Speed Force wake. Now the three of them take a quick tour around Telos trying to find their Gotham so Wally can beat the succulent piss out of Flashpoint Wonder Woman. They pass through Bizarro Metropolis (where the Bizarros probably don't quite understand the rules. They're standing around saying, "Me am not going to fight!" And Telos is all, "You have to fight!" And Bizarro is all, "Me not understand! Me not fight now!" And Telos is all, "I will destroy your city!" And Bizarro is all, "Me let you destroy city!" And Telos is all, "Yeah. Um. Okay. Um. What the fuck is going on?"), and then they zip by The Freedom Fighters' world as they battle Future End cyborgs, and then they pass through either Rann or Krypton and then Thanagar and then Follywood. As they zoom through Captain Carrot's world, Fastback notices them and follows after. So I guess Wally won't have to worry about getting his ass handed to him by Diana. I guess he's going to get fucked up by a talking turtle.

The Flash finally reaches a Gotham City and turns to fight Fastback. But being a jovial cartoon animal that loves a happy ending (not that kind of happy ending, you perverts), he just wants to team up with The Flash. Which is probably a pretty good idea since they seem to have stopped in Flashpoint Gotham where Wonder Woman is waiting to destroy them.

Oh Wonder Woman. He's a Speedster! You've already lost!

If comics had any internal consistency (which they don't and I'm glad they don't! Stop being boring trying to make them! But we can speculate on a world with internal consistency like I'm going to do after I close this parenthetical reference), The Flash would never lose a fight. The Flash's fights would never be exciting. The Flash's fights would be over as soon as he realized he was about to get into one. Unless his opponent can move as fast as he can, the fight is already over. He'd never be beaten by lazy writing like "nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" or "The Flash can't outrace Doctor Light's light power!" because thoughts actually take time to think and using a light power doesn't happen at the speed of light. And for The Flash to even be able to react to his own super speed, he must think as fast as he moves. So his thoughts are faster than the speed of thought! And before Doctor Light can even activate his power or before a psychic can take over The Flash's mind, The Flash will have hit them in the head with a brick and murdered them. Or maybe something less drastic.

So next issue should be one page of battle as Fastback (who is a fast turtle! Get it?!) and The Flash and Jai and Iris strip Wonder Woman naked and tie her up and hang her from a lamp post and bash her brains out with a brick before she can even finish pulling her sword out of the scabbard.

Convergence: Speed Force #1 Rating: Even though Wally West wasn't funny (although he did pick up a turtle sidekick which is super funny, right?!), this may have been my favorite Convergence book so far. Probably because The Flash ran around seeing other realities. And because his first thought was "Fuck this competition." Plus he's teaming up with one of the Zoo Crew which means the pun level should really go through the roof next issue! If it doesn't, I'm going to send a note to Tony Bedard that just reads, "You failed."

Aquaman #40

After freeing Willy from captivity, Aquaman forced Willy to risk his life battling dangerous super villains.

This cover actually looks like Aquaman is pulling back the trident to spear the killer whale. I wouldn't put it past him. Aquaman is a dick.

Last issue ended with Aquaman and Mera being hunted by a volcano god named Karaku and by his mother named Atlanna. Karaku also doesn't mind if he kills Atlanna and her people as well so Aquaman and Mera just need to hide long enough for their enemies to wipe each other out. Although, I suppose if I think like a human being with a heart that actually likes their family members, Aquaman probably doesn't want Atlanna murdered.

I bet Aquaman especially wouldn't want Atlanna to die if he's thought through the probable ending of this adventure! If she's still alive then she is still the Queen of Atlantis which means that he isn't responsible for all of that ruling bullshit anymore! He can go back to living in the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Mera and Aquadog and the police woman that has been taking care of Aquadog because I bet she'd be into a three-way relationship. I would be into reading about their three-way relationship.

Atlanna's Advisor who has been hanging out with Aquaman and Mera has a painful purple memory about the Karaqan and how it was raised to battle Karaku. Aquaman is all, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Can someone shut this woman up so I can come up with a plan that probably involves Mera saving everybody's asses since she has the best super power here?"

Evans isn't just good with shapes. He knows his colors too! Also Mera's ass. Homina.

Aquaman leaves Mera's protective water bubble to help his mother. His mother's rhinoceros is vaporized by a blast of lava which is total bullshit. I'm sick of these Atlanteans enslaving other creatures to fight their battles for them. How is that civilized?! They should just keep them penned up to use for meat and dairy! Anything else is just cruel!

Doctor Evans comes wading out to inform Aquaman that Lenu the Advisor has figured out how to defeat the Fire Trolls using her purple vision. That's when he finds out that he's not the perfect shape to fit in the hands of a fire troll.

Not even close. P.S. Ha ha!

If Doctor Evans dies, how are they ever going to fit shapes into shape-shaped recesses?! Do they give away posthumous Nobel Prizes for shape-matching?

Now, you all saw that picture I scanned of Doctor Evans getting fucked up, right? Aquaman saw the same thing which makes me wonder why, after getting Evans free, Aquaman says to him, "They'll have first aid in the sub." What the fuck kind of first aid is it?! Does it contain some kind of miracle band-aids?! A regenerative salve?! A new, non-broken body in which to download Evans' mind?! Even Evans, as he lays there dying, is embarrassed by his naivete.

Evans tells Arthur how to defeat the Fire Trolls and then frees up some space for more useful characters to come along. And then Aquaman is smashed by Karaku's huge flaming fist. Mera, who doesn't realize that she's in a comic book with Aquaman's name on the cover (and if she did, wouldn't she be pissed? Why the fuck doesn't she get shared billing?), screams his name because she thinks he was just killed. Aquaman's mother simply shrugs her shoulders.

But then Atlanna has second thoughts on letting him die when she sees Mera hop into action. She recognizes a truly powerful person when she sees one and Mera might turn her wrath on Atlanna if Atlanna doesn't help save Arthur. So she pulls him away from the battle as Mera takes the shape of a battle mech and punches Karaku in the head with a huge fist of water. Which is the only way to defeat the fire trolls! Karaku falls down dead as Aquaman looks on impotently.

With Mera and Arthur nearly exhausted, Atlanna approaches to finish them off with her horde of dinosaurs. But Arthur sees her dinosaurs and raises her...well, whatever the hell all of these things are.

You know, Aquaman, these sea creatures have lives of their own. You think they want to be coerced into coming up on shore to risk their lives for your family problems? Asshole.

Atlanna finally acknowledges that Arthur is her son and he's all, "Cool. That's all I wanted. We'll be going now, mom!" And she's all, "Bye! Maybe call first next time?"

Atlanna leaves her royal signet with Aquaman so that Atlantis will stop trying to shake itself to death. So I guess Arthur is still saddled with leadership. How annoying! For the life of me, I can't understand why anybody wants power or leadership. It's a fucking prison, man!

Aquaman #40 Rating: No change. I feel like sometimes comic creators come up with ideas to base a story arc on but then really don't know how to make that arc matter in any significant way. This story was based on the supposition that Arthur's mother was actually still alive. And she was! And...well...that's it! Arthur learned he has a mommy out there that doesn't really want anything to do with him or Orm or Atlantis. At least not right now. But what really happened in that revelation? How have things changed? What did Aquaman learn? I certainly wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe I'm simply just not smart enough, to understand the importance of this story. My favorite part was when the talking monkey fell into the labyrinth of monsters! That was silly!

Aquaman #38

I'm going back to calling Tacoman Aquaman because I don't want to confuse my future self when I eventually forget why the hell I even began calling him that in the first place. Spoiler: it was for no reason at all!

Last issue, Grodd and Aquaman plummeted through an ancient Atlantean Portal into the Labyrinth of Monsters! That's where Hercules was trapped for thousands of years (and might still be? Did he get shoved back in by Aquaman who doesn't have a compassionate shell in his body?). Hopefully Gorillas are as good at mazes as rats and that kid I knew in 5th grade who convinced everybody that the definition of "fart" in the dictionary was "an explosion of gasses from between the legs." I'm pretty sure it said "expulsion" but what did I care about proving him wrong? You get into those kinds of 5th Grade politics and you're just asking for trouble.

Aquaman manages to hang on to something on the Gorilla City side of the portal while he steals the trident back from Grodd. He lets Grodd fall into the Labyrinth of Monsters and then heads back through the portal. Hopefully Grodd's connection to the gorillas of Gorilla City continues to allow them to dump their worst thoughts into Grodd's head or else this city is in for a rude awakening. Gorillas will suddenly be starting their weeks with Cases of the Mondays. They'll stop picking nits out of their neighbor's fur. There'll be a sudden rise in chest thumping. That line about cats and dogs from Ghostbusters.

Mera is the hero and still she doesn't get her name on the cover. Fucking sea-patriarchy.

Fucking patriarchy is right! Here's a beautiful scene showing Mera's intelligence and perception and all I can think about is how much I want to stick my tongue in her ass. How dare you corrupt my mind like that, patriarchy! Unless I should be yelling at testosterone? Maybe I should yell a little bit at Paul Pelletier and Sean Parsons for making Mera so attractive? So yeah! Fuck one of those things for my impure thoughts!

Meanwhile in Atlantis, Dr. Evans made another discovery concerning the shapes of holes and the shapes of things that might fit into those holes!

Dr. Evans could be replaced by a toddler and this story wouldn't change one bit.

Shin and Evans suddenly have a lot more information at their disposal after having read some scrolls in the Library of Atlantis, talked to some dead people living in the walls of the city, and put shapes into other shapes. They now realize that the Atlanteans knew of a way to access pocket dimensions which exist within this universe but outside of time. The perfect place to store leftovers! After Shin reveals this knowledge, Solovar is all, "Oh yeah! Us monkeys figured that out too! Easy peasy! No problem!"

The Labyrinth of Monsters was one of these pocket dimensions. And Shin believes the Maelstrom leads to another one which the Queen planned to turn into her Merwoman Cave. She probably only meant to be there for a little while playing games on her Playstation 2 but forgot about how the place exists outside of time. She probably planned to just play a few games of Yu-Gi-Oh before heading back out to get something to eat but since there is no time, she never felt hungry. So now she's been playing for fifteen years straight. And she still doesn't understand the rules to the fucking game! It's probably hard to develop a card game based on the rules that were seemingly made up on the fly by the players in the cartoon.

Pegasus: "Now I play my Big Dicked Dark Dragon card for free because you lost three hundred life by playing your Pork Pie Platypus on a Sunday!"
Yu-Gi: "Not so fast, Pegasus! By playing your Big Dicked Dark Dragon, you've activated my Trap Card, Swimming In Feces! It floods your play field in shit, dropping all of your monsters attack power by three hundred points and forcing them into defensive positions!"
Pegasus: "Ha! I knew you would activate that Trap! Which is why I'm now going to play Shit Storm Devil Bitch! If I sacrifice four creatures while my field is covered in shit, she gets a boost of two thousand attack points and can attack immediately! And you only have five hundred more life points, Yu-Gi! It looks like this is the end! Have a pleasant stay in the Shadow Realm!"
Yu-Gi: *thinking to himself* "Oh no! What am I going to do now? It doesn't look good and my friends are in trouble! And Joey is wearing that fucking dog costume again for no good reason!"

Where does this gate lead? Atom Ant's house?

Aquaman and Mera wind up in Polynesia where Aquaman speaks to some fishermen in their own language. Mera asks how Aquaman knows the language and he dodges the question with a smooth, "Oh, well, I hung out here for awhile." I know what that means! He was fucking somebody in these waters and Mera knows her! Better to let sleeping sharks float.

Aquaman and Mera find a large version of the Maelstrom carved into the island. It's surrounded by statues of giants looking inward at the symbol which Aquaman doesn't even consider might come to life as soon as he tries to open the portal. It's not as if Aquaman is living on Earth-33 where giant stone statues coming to life is unheard of! He lives on Earth-0 where gods are real and atheists like Mister Terrific are stubbornly holding onto the belief that there must be a rational, scientific explanation for all the crazy shit constantly going down in the universe. It's just super advanced science! Probably!

The creatures come to life and vomit lava and fire all over Mera and Aquaman. I guess they're so waterlogged that they can withstand this kind of heat for at least a few pages.

The battle is just a way to show that Atlanna doesn't want anybody following her. A few pages of Mera splashing water on the giants and Aquaman getting batted around like a cat toy and they eventually make it through the portal and into the Land That Time Forgot!

Poor prehistoric rhinos. The Land That Time Forgot was such a peaceful place before the humanoids arrived.

Aquaman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. At first, I thought maybe these rhino guys were Baluchitherium so I looked it up on Google and found they're slightly different (using a liberal definition of the word "slightly"). But I did find that Van Halen has an instrumental song on Balance called "Baluchitherium." What the fuck, guys? I remember the cover to this album but I'm not sure I've ever heard it before. "Baluchitherium" does kind of sound like I've traveled to prehistoric times by the end of the song. And the guitar riffs could probably have been pulled off by a T-Rex. The most amazing thing about the song was that Sammy Hagar didn't sing on it. They must have recorded it without his knowledge so he couldn't shit it up with his grating, tequila-damaged voice*.

*Transparency: David Lee Roth paid me to write that.

Tacoman #37

I'm just going to call Aquaman "Tacoman" from now on.

Darwyn Cooke understands Tacoman! His adventures are so boring that the best image he could come up with is Tacoman making out with Mera! Mera is the best part of Tacoman's adventures anyway. She really should have her name on the title of this comic book. No wonder she's so envious of The Others! They're worse than Tacoman and yet they still get billing right alongside him! But does Mera get any recognition in this comic book? Even when she's the main reason most people are buying it? Of course not! Totally sexist! And probably racist too since she's a Xenubisomethingorotherian. You know! One of those Water Weirds! A Spongie! Ocean trash!

I am so sick of censorship. Especially self-censorship because everybody is afraid to be the next pig at the bottom of the pile. I can't believe the way we're not teaching the youth about censorship because we're all being so fucking inclusive that we now have a long list of words nobody can even say in a college fucking debate without some poor offended soul deciding they should now shout down the speaker and get the whole fucking program shut down. Because fuck logical debate when you can just scream until everybody is tired of listening to you scream and they all decide to go home. What we need is not a world where adults talk to each other as if toddlers were in the room and they don't want to say a word the kid might repeat out in public but a world where people have a much thicker skin than they currently seem to have.

What's generally happened is that we've taken an act such as...oh, let's say...rape and decided that if you point out how our culture justifies rape then you can now begin to act as if not just rape is wrong but anything you can link to possibly being a contributing factor of rape is wrong. It's ultimately about censorship, power, and control. If you feel powerless in the face of the Patriarchy, you come up with a way to subvert things in a manner that gives you some kind of power and control. It's nothing new. The same thing has been done over and over again, by the powerful and the powerless, and always to the detriment of society. Labeling somebody as a "sexist" or a "phobic" or a "misogynist" is modern day witchhunting. It's labeling somebody a communist, or a pacifist in the face of patriotic war, to shut them up and marginalize them. Pointing out that something is problematic or perpetuates rape culture is arguing that comic books cause kids to become degenerate monsters, or video games are behind school shootings.

Part of what happens is that the battle cannot be fought after the crime has occurred. We do not want to live in a society where you only punish people after they've committed rape. You must fight to stop rape from happening at all. And everybody except rapists and frat bros agree that rape is wrong. So there's no fight to be had there. That's why some freedom fighters move the battle line. Now they begin to fight all the assholes who blame the victims. It's an obvious, and a good place, to move the battle. You battle against the tired "he said/she said" mentality and fight for people to instead develop a "this woman was violated by a criminal" way of thinking. Many people continue to fight this fight as the cutting edge guerrilla fighters begin to point out how language needs to change, and basic ideas of gender need to be revamped, and the way we, as a society, treat the genders differently from before birth, beginning the cycle which has led to where we find ourselves today.

Am I arguing against any of those battles? Fuck no. Those battles are about trying to change people's views through intellectual debate. Even telling people that they cannot say certain things because they believe it perpetuates rape culture is something people are free to argue. I believe they're wrong but since when has being wrong ever been a reason not to speak your mind? It's only shutting down people's ability to speak freely that hurts all causes. When you have determined that something cannot be challenged, or that something cannot be ridiculed, or that something cannot be railed against in even the most sexist and misogynistic terms because it contributes to rape culture and is therefore as bad as rape and should be outlawed, you've moved far past anything I believe.

Here's the stupid thing: My vision of a perfect civilization and society is probably very near to even the most vocal social justice advocates. Our only real difference (though it's a big one) is about how we eventually get there, and who we fight against. I would rather pick targets with care and snipe the enemy while others seem to want to fire off shotguns and mortars every time their hackles are raised. I am not against any of them, any of you. I am not against making the world a better place. But I don't believe tearing down everybody and everything that offends you makes the world a better place. One of those reasons I think that is because just stating what I've stated here could easily make me a target, and the enemy. That's fucking dangerous because no matter what I look like, or what words I say, or what tasteless jokes I might find funny, as unbelievable and ridiculous as it might sound, we almost certainly believe, fundamentally, most of the same shit. If we were to compare our beliefs by our actions and the ways we live, and not by the words we say, or the theories we debate, I would be willing to bet they would contain negligible differences.

But I will not self-censor for fear of becoming another compatriot shot in the back and left to bleed out on the side of the road because I wouldn't march step to another person's inflexible beliefs.

It's also easy to not self-censor when nobody reads what you have to say and you're really not fucking important! Another thing about what I just wrote: I didn't have to say any of it! I would say 99% of the time (okay, maybe 10% of the time. But 99% of the time when I'm not being facetious), my words reflect my truest beliefs as a Situational Individualist. That is to say, I believe in the individual's right to live the life they want to live, unhampered by law or society or outside pressures. And I believe in a philosophy of examining each situation in and of itself, rather than being mired in rigid, foundational beliefs that take precedence over extenuating circumstances and individual personalities. In other words, I believe in your right to believe whatever the fuck you want to believe. And I expect you to allow me the right to think your beliefs are complete and utter horsedick.

So, where was Tacoman when we last left him?!

Holy fucking God! Will somebody stop listening to Dr. Evan and his "theories"?!

Dr. Evans continues to think that science is jumping to conclusions based on no evidence at all! His main form of experimentation so far since he's become a member of this comic book? Sticking objects in holes based on the size and shapes of the objects and the holes. This fucker could be replaced by any number of toddlers I've met in my life! Except Frankie. Oh shit that kid was dumb. Kid, I was not teleporting toys across the room from behind my back! I was throwing them over your head when I brought my hands back around to the front of my body! And I never fucking had your nose, you panicky little shit! It was pretend!

Oh look! This looks like a job for Dr. Evans! Or, you know, a two year old!

One of my secret joys of doing this blog are due to moments like this. If I were just reading this comic book, I never would have stopped to think about how Dr. Evans has, up until this point, basically just recognized shapes. But when taking the time to comment on the first page, I was able to mention Dr. Evans' special ability, turn the page, and be greeted by one of those moments I was just talking about. It truly makes me feel like a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, no matter what the critics and my mother say.

Tacoman checks out the symbol on the marker signifying the destination to the portal and asks Dr. Evans what he makes of it. For once, he's stumped! "I've never encountered that shape before! It's not a circle, or a square, or even a triangle! Could it be one of the fabled shapes of legend? Perhaps a rhombus?!"

Tacoman puts his thingy in the hole. Mera doesn't even make a joke about it! That truly shows her royal blood. If she were not a Xebusisomethingorotherian princess, she could not have resisted making a doing it joke.

After Tacoman and Mera disappear into the portal, Dr. Evans finds a smashed marker and ponders the symbol on it. It's the maelstrom but he's an idiot just like Tacoman and they don't seem to have ever heard of the word before. It's obviously "male storm" written by a dyslexic. That sounds like a crossword puzzle clue for "testosterone."

Tacoman and Mera step out of the other side of the portal into Gorilla City. Are the Gorillas of Gorilla City one of the lost tribes of Atlantis?!

Not eating! Tacoman will not stand for eating!

Solovar explains that the portal was used in ancient days before Atlantis sank. The Gorillas and the Atlanteans held a softball tournament every year until the island of Atlantis sunk into the waves. The Gorillas always assumed it was a ruse to get out of the tournament which the Atlanteans lost every year. But then fifteen years ago, the portal became active once more! But the only Gorilla who saw who came through was Grodd. And he's a fucking dick. But he's a telepathic dick, so maybe he and Tacoman can have a mindfight for the truth.

Ooh! Or maybe they can just fuckfight for it!

Grodd remains imprisoned in Gorilla City because he is the waste receptacle for all of the Gorillas' hatred and fear. This helps all of the other Gorillas to be peaceful and calm, allowing them to let go of fear and anger and direct their energy to more uplifting pursuits. That sounds like a good idea! Hey everybody! You should give me all of your fear and anger. Then you can all pursue lofty goals and high ideals while I stew in venom and bitterness and fear! But that can only make my blog more entertaining, right?!

You all know the downside of Grodd soaking up all of that hate and fear and anger, right? He's going to escape one day and then look out Barry Allen!

That's why Tacoman and Solovar are such good friends! Solovar likes denying people food too!

Grodd challenges Tacoman to a duel. If Tacoman wins, Grodd tells him what he wants to know. If Tacoman loses, I guess Grodd eats his brains and learns how to speak with fish. Now that's a prize worth dying for! Fish know all of the best secrets and sex jokes.

Is that kind of racist? Telling the King of Fishes "Don't take the bait"?

The first that occurs to Grodd (as it occurred to me!) is that if he eats Tacoman's brain, he'll be able to learn all the nasty fish sex jokes! It's been too many issues since Tacoman kept something from eating something it really wanted to eat, so it's nice to see he's finally going to deny another hungry person the meal they're looking forward to. Err, hungry "gorilla".

He's had a change of heart! Tacoman is now feeding opponents!

Why do people call it a "knuckle sandwich"? It would make sense if you first put your fist between two slices of bread. But other than the fist nearly going into somebody's mouth the way a sandwich would not do (it would actually go in the mouth!), I don't see the similarity.

Grodd gets his ass kicked because he neglected to have his name on the cover of the comic book in which he picked the fight. He tells Tacoman how Tacoman's mother came through the portal and stole the Maelstrom Marker from the Gorilla City portal. He also mentions that Katangala, the original name of Gorilla City (or still current non-Western, and thus non-racist, name), was once the home of one of the seven tribes of Atlantis. But the Gorillas, fed on intelligence raising seaweed, pulled a Planet of the Apes on the Katangalans and took over. At least that means one less threat to Tacoman's kingdom.

After Grodd keeps his promise, he steal's Tacoman's trident and somehow uses Dr. Evans' knowledge of shapes (even though he's never once eaten Dr. Evans' brains!) and opens the portal. As he heads through, Tacoman jumps on his back and travels with him. It looks like they're heading to the Labyrinth of Monsters next month!

Tacoman #37 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was worth every penny because it had monkeys in it. Also, the history of Gorilla City was interesting and unexpected. Something about the art. Something more about the writing. Summation of review. End with Stan Lee quote.

Aquaman #36

The worst thing on this Lego cover is not the Lego or the reused Zero issue cover!

Last issue, Arthur had discovered that the corpse of his mother was missing from her tomb. It's possible her body was never actually interred in the tomb since her tomb was left unguarded at the bottom of the ocean without any means of repelling anybody or anything that wanted to gain access to it. But since this is a comic book, it probably means that Atlanna never actually died. Or she's been resurrected as a Black or White Lantern.

Aquaman, realizing he needs a mystery solved, brings in help in the form of J'onn J'onzz. Batman is going to be so pissed when he hears about this.

Batman: "Is his nickname 'The World's Greatest Detective'? No, it's not! It's 'Martian Manhunter'! What if the culprit isn't a man, hunh? How is he going to solve The Mystery of the Missing Murdered Mother?!"

To help investigate the years old cold case of Atlanna's assassination, Shin and Evans are brought in to help with their "scientific" theories of Atlantis.

Just because you can think up a theory doesn't make it science. The "unique nature of the landmass" enables it to record the "souls" of the departed? Sounds like wacky doodle hoodoo to me!

Vulko tells the story of the night Atlanna was assassinated which allows Martian Manhunter to telepathically link with the unique landmass. Some more hokum that passes for science (more like seance, amirite?) takes place and Aquaman learns that his mother faked her death to escape with some unknown people she had been protecting. And then J'onn loses the ability to learn anymore because that would end the story too soon. Although I bet Batman would have had it all wrapped up by now.

Doctor Evans, being the authority on the shape of holes and determining what object should be placed inside the hole, declares that they should put a key in a hole. They did that last issue when they learned about the psychic residue trapped in the city of Atlantis. So they try it again and this time, all of the psychic energy fills up J'onn J'onnz and he attacks Arthur while declaring that the king must be killed.

Fucking Doctor Evans! Can people stop this guy from putting things in other things and creating disasters?!

J'onn begins to kick everybody's ass and Aquaman thinks, "Why didn't I hire Batman for this job?"

Oh yeah! That's why he hired J'onn! Because, unlike Batman, Martian Manhunter has a weakness!

J'onn did pick up a clue or two while being overwhelmed by spirits. He saw the image of a large portal and heard the word "maelstrom." I guess that means Aquaman is on the trail of yet another of the seven lost tribes of Atlantis!

Aquaman #36 Rating: Once again, Aquaman didn't stop anybody from eating anything. He's really slacking off. I don't think Aquaman is interesting enough to keep starring in these big, epic Atlantis stories. I just want to see him make fish fight his battles and wear octopuses on his head!

Aquaman #35

With "King--no more?" ending in a question mark, I would have gone with the ellipsis as my choice of punctuation. I think the em dash calls for an exclamation point.

I just had a really stupid idea! I'm going to dust off my Inform skills and make tiny text adventures for each title of The New 52! And when I say tiny, I mean super duper tiny! Like one fucking puzzle and it's done! That may sound like it won't be too much work but then I'm a bit obsessive when it comes to writing text adventure games. I tend towards the "make sure every response has an answer no matter how ridiculous" school of thought rather than the "a standard 'I don't know what the fuck you're talking about' response" is good enough. I figure Inform is easily accessible although I still like programming in TADS better. And I know I can implement TADS to be easily played in a browser window. Maybe I'll super dust off my TADS skills and just use that!

Christ, what am I saying?! I haven't used TADS in nearly ten years! Forget I mentioned it! Like I said, it was a stupid idea! Although one that intrigues me enough that I'm only saying forget I mentioned it so that you won't be disappointed when I never get around to it even though it's quite possible I will. You know, someday.

My Aquaman adventure would probably revolve around Aquaman stopping everybody from eating things because Aquaman has a serious issue with sustenance.

This issue begins with Aquman inviting the beaver into the hornets' nest. Seriously, sometimes I have no idea what language my brain is translating the idioms which it comes up with. I thought about changing the ending of that sentence to "with which it comes up" but since "up" is also a preposition, why should I fucking bother?!

Is he "granting a visa" or "putting him on house arrest?" Claymato, Clawmato.

Arthur wants Dr. Shin to come to Atlantis to deconstruct its history. When Arthur mindmelded with Chimera last issue, he realized that Atlantis is based on lies. Maybe. It's also possible it's just based on writer after writer retconning the whole fucking shebang every seven years or so. Things are going to get a little confusing after a few decades.

Doctor Evans is also being brought to Atlantis because why not bring along some hack archaeologist thief that thinks science is coming up with theories with no supporting evidence and then believing they must be true because why else would a scientist have come up with that theory? Another belief he's held: if a hole in an ancient rock is trident-shaped, stick a trident in it!

Atlanteans ride Dickdodons?! Or, as science so wrongfully refers to them, Plesiosaurs.

If Atlanteans ride Plesiosaurs, I suppose that means Aquaman will soon be discovering a mini-Atlantis out in Loch Ness? Probably the secret headquarters of some vile arch-nemesis that he doesn't yet know he has?

Aquaman takes the Underrealmers, the rebels who tried to kill Mera a few issues ago, out of prison and exiles them to a chasm in Antarctica. They're now free to build their own kingdom where they can hate whomever they want for whatever reason they want to hate them. It sounds like paradise! It also sounds like trouble in thirty or forty issues once the colony has become strong enough to be the antagonist of an exciting six issue war against Atlantis.

I think of Dr. Shin as more of a "fremesis" than a "frenemy."

The land scientists discover that Atlantis is full of souls. That's something the water scientists couldn't figure out on their own because they believe in science and not hoodoo. Good thing Dr. Evans was on this team or this discovery could never have been made up! They determine that it's these souls that fill every inch of Atlantis that are shaking Atlantis apart because they think Aquaman is a greedy surface land grabber and Mera is his whore consort. Also, they don't recognize his royalty. Evans believes that doesn't make any sense because shouldn't Aquaman's mother's soul have told the other Atlantean souls that Arthur is her baby? Shouldn't they be pleased with Arthur on the throne?

To solve the mystery, Arthur exhumes his mother's corpse which is a simple matter of swimming out to an unguarded sarcophagus and pushing back the lid. The only problem is the sarcophagus is empty! Which can only mean one thing! Atlanna was eaten by an octopus? They can, like, remove jar lids and stuff, you know? No wait! The only conclusion is that...SHE WAS NEVER KILLED! Dun dun DUUUUUUUN!

Aquaman #35 Rating: No change. I can't believe Aquaman let everyone eat their meals undisturbed this issue. He's getting soft.