Cyborg #4

Interesting how Batman never gets torn to pieces the way characters like Cyborg, Robotman, and Red Tornado constantly do.

If you're supporting the American political party who thinks the problem in Washington, DC, is too much ethical oversight from independent sources, you might want to reconsider the things you've been lead to believe. I challenge any Republican to drop all of their usual news sources and simply get by for a week or two reading headlines from the Washington Post. Just the headlines! Then interpret that shit on your own, with your own values and beliefs, without any right-wing talking heads telling you how that shit doesn't actually mean the thing you just read. Previously, you'd have never read that headline anyway which made it even easier for the Fox News barfmonsters to convince you of their reality. People on the left are always being accused of being manipulated by the lamestream media but I guarantee a good percentage of liberal people don't even fucking care about the news. And yet every right wing anger bat who flutters into the face of anybody who espouses a liberal view to begin shrieking, "But what about Hillary! What about Hillary! What about Hillary!", slavishly sucks at the teat of Fox News and the snorefestival of right-wing radio hosts so much so that they all parrot the exact same responses.

At the very least, letting go of right-wing media outlets will ensure you'll be more entertained. Talk about unfunny! Even if I believed the things Rush or that square-headed guy on Fox said, I couldn't listen to them because they have a terrible sense of humor. Oh, Hannity! That's the square-headed guy! It's not surprising that they're not funny though because you need to be smart to be funny. And one thing right-wing talking heads are not is smart. Confident and smug and don't actually give a fuck about anything but their own bank account? Sure! But funny? Fucking hell no. There's this one shrieking harpy that's on early in the mornings after Clyde Lewis's Ground Zero on some right-wing radio station who thinks the height of hilarity is putting on a dumb person voice when she says things she pretends liberals say. At least the station managers understand that nobody wants to hear that shit so they stick her on past midnight.

The segue here is that American Democracy is becoming a nightmare, and in this comic book, Cyborg is currently having one.

Cyborg is battling the Justice League. He realizes it's a dream because they're battling on Mars and Batman isn't choking to death. Also, Wonder Woman's boobs are huge. Like, too huge. So big!

But fighting the Justice League isn't a good enough analogy for what's happening. He needs to come up with something more on the nose.

"I knew I was a complicated guy." What kind of a fucking fool actually says that about himself? Don't search my blog for that statement. I'm sure I've never said anything like it before ever.

Cyborg realizes the Justice League he's been fighting are actually malicious bits of software called Wyrmms. Gross. Cyborg has Wyrmms. Too bad for the Wyrmms, they can't just fuck up his programming. They have to actually fight a representation of Cyborg inside of Cyborg. Is that what Cyborg's firewall looks like? It's just a bunch of tiny Cyborgs?

In STAR Labs, an unconscious Cyborg is tearing the place apart. The only way to help Cyborg is to shut him down so they can remove the Wyrmms while he's inert.

Come on, Semper. You can't just be lobbing them over the plate like this. I'll never feel any satisfaction making a joke out of this!

Cyborg's journey through his mind allows him to recover a bunch of memories which make him feel human again. Apparently he's had his emotions locked away which is why he's felt more like a machine than a human. But he still doesn't find his penis. That's probably why he couldn't bring himself to remember that he and Sarah Charles were once madly in love. He blocked out her face in the memories because until he has a proper human penis instead of an attachment that substitutes for a White Noise Blaster, he isn't the man he knows she needs. What a tragic love affair! At least it's one I won't have to read the end of because I'm done with this comic book. I'm done with all Cyborg comic books forever and ever because not one has ever been interesting. He's a boring character who people have tried to make compelling but they're always doing overdone plots about robots versus humanity, and identity versus programming, and Daddy Issues versus football.

The Ranking!
No change! If I were to write a Cyborg comic book, I'd have him quit the Justice League because he's too often treated like a peripheral to the Justice League Watchtower computer. I'd have him move to Hollywood and go into porn. Then maybe his adventures would be a bit like Blue Devil but less goofy and more super duper sexy. Maybe his first plot would be dealing with both a human virus and a computer virus that work together to wreak havoc on his cybernetic body. I'd call the story "Robo-VD."

Cyborg #3

I am so uninterested in this comic book that I just read my summary of last month's story and wasn't really paying attention.

To be or not to be! That is the question that every highschooler reads and thinks, "What the fuck are you talking about, dude?" At least until the teacher spends forty minutes trying to get somebody in class to understand it before telling them, "It's about suicide, you nitwits! SUICIDE!" And then they're all, "Oh yeah? Fuckin' emo, dude!"

Man, I hope that Hamlet soliloquy is actually about suicide! Or was actually said by Hamlet! I don't think it was Macbeth because he was the one who had to battle the Ents and I don't think it was Othello because his speech began, "To love well or to love too well!"

This issue begins in the middle of a Justice League operation!

I realize Batman is trying to be motivational but this seems a bit harsh. How would he like it if every time he was struggling, Superman would yell, "Do it for your long dead, murdered parents!"

This is just a nightmare so it's really Cyborg saying this to Cyborg. That makes more sense. Cyborg has always been his harshest critic. Mostly because writers think it's the most fucking amazing shit to tell stories about examining what it means to be human using robots and cyborgs. And people seem to love it so much that every time I hear anybody say anything about Westworld, they quote each other with that whole "examining what it means to be human" line. We get it! You're so smart! You can parrot the smart things to say about a show you like! Bravo!

Oh, um, also, regular people that aren't robots are always their own harshest critics. So none of the Justice League is going to be this critical of Cyborg in real life! Hell, none of them would ever think Cyborg was the reason the Justice League failed. He's like the seventh reason to blame their failure on after Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Green Lantern!

No, I didn't forget Aquaman.

This is the exact opposite of what most women say to me! Stupid simple machines outdoing me in the bedroom!

Wonder Woman concludes that Cyborg not being human is the real flaw in the Justice League. You can tell it's a dream because she's not saying this for Aquaman's benefit while actually darting her eyes towards Aquaman and nodding in his direction and trying every other bit of body language in existence to say that Aquaman is the biggest flaw.

Cyborg wakes up from his nightmare and has an idiotic conversation with Sarah Charles.

Cyborg: "I just had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. I totally killed you for a bit there so I could update your memory banks. I mean, I didn't kill you. I, um, put you on sleep mode! Get it? Because you're not human!"
Cyborg: "No, seriously! I had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "No you didn't. Your brain was shut down."
Cyborg: "Are you a scientist? You're a scientist, right? Well, here's some evidence for you to work with: I just had a fucking nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. Maybe you just imagined you had a nightmare because you're stressed out?"
Cyborg: "I hate you."

Cyborg doesn't know how much he hates Sarah Charles until the next part of their conversation.

What the fuck does that mean, "fully normal"?! You think he's a freak!

I don't know why Cyborg made boxer shorts when he transformed. It's not like Sarah Charles, a doctor and scientist, hasn't seen a fifteen inch flaccid penis before. That's probably how big he'd make it, right? He'd be overcompensating for not really feeling human!

Vic and Sarah go out to a jazz club later where Vic runs into an old ex-girlfriend of his. She's a jazz singer which is why he probably doesn't remember her. The two halves of that sentence might not seem to make sense to you but have you ever dated a jazz singer? Oh wait. You probably wouldn't remember!

Her name is Britton Claire and she introduces herself as Vic's ex. Then Sarah calls her a slut and stomps out like a child. Sarah Charles is the worst! Also she might not have actually called Britton a slut. But she wanted to! You could see it in her eyes! Will Conrad draws a great pair of 'What a Slut' eyes! Remember when he was doing art for Stormwatch? Apollo looked at Midnighter that way constantly!

Britton explains that Vic broke off their relationship because he was in love with another woman. I've never broken up with someone because of that! Once I broke up with somebody because they were intruding on my time to play Apple IIe games! I was all, "I like putting my ding dong into your hoo-ha but I really need some time to become the paragon of virtue!"

Vic goes back to the lab to find out why his memory is so screwed up. The only person working is T.O. Morrow who quickly hides all of his illicit robot experiments to help Vic regain the memories that Vic's dad and Sarah Charles turned off after the Boom Tube accident.

Instead of restoring Vic's memories, Doctor Morrow explains that he's going to have to shut Vic down because Vic isn't really a person; he's just an out of control machine. And since Doctor Morrow was too stupid to just turn Vic off while Vic thought he was getting his memories restored, it's a good thing he called Superman in to help push Vic's off button.

And since Superman is all, "Sure, Doc Mor! I'll beat up Cyborg for you on your word alone!", it must mean this is all still part of Vic's nightmare. He's probably still stuck in some machine with his fake robot dad trying to force him to accept his robohumanity.

No, this is a new nightmare. Apparently it began when Doctor Morrow shut off Vic's brain activity to restore his memories. Just like earlier with Sarah! But this time, Vic's dream has him flipping the fuck out and he decides to go sleep vandalizing Detroit. Or Metropolis. Wherever the fuck this STAR Labs is.

Robot Daddy Silas Stone decides to take this opportunity to weasel his way into Vic's life and STAR Labs while Human Daddy Silas Stone is trapped in Robot Daddy's evil lair.

Meanwhile, Vic is still struggling in his nightmare where, I guess, he'll learn something important about himself. Like how he's human! Didn't he just learn that lesson in the Kilg%re story? Maybe he needs the message reconfirmed every few issues before he can truly believe it.

The Ranking!
0! Mostly I don't care about Cyborg or this comic book. But since it isn't demonstrably terrible in whatever it's doing that I don't care about, I won't penalize it! It can just float somewhere in the middle of the viscous substance that is mediocrity. That's probably for the best since Cyborg comics are used to being mediocre.

Cyborg #2

Now kiss!

The Commentary!
• Let me guess: Cyborg battles a robot in this issue and discovers a little bit more of his humanity! You know what I'm tired of, comic book writers? I'm tired of heroes battling twisted funhouse mirror versions of themselves so that they can learn a stupid lesson. Learning lessons is for nerds and jerks who aren't already perfect! Why can't Cyborg have adventures that have nothing to do with the fact that he's a Cyborg? Is it because these stories are actually about how African-Americans are treated by white society? I suppose I have to allow that because social commentary is greater than robots fighting. I don't actually believe that but other people probably do which is why I wrote it.

• So Cyborg is fighting a robot who hates humanity. It's like when Batman fights a criminal whose parents were killed at a young age so that he can feel righteous about his choices. Or when Superman fights a Kryptonian who chooses to abuse his power. Or when Batgirl battles a female villain because, um, Batgirl is female. Come up with a new idea, comic books!

• The current story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is called "Trial and Terror" because that's clever! I guess. It replaces the usual word in the statement with one that rhymes!

• Cyborg is battling Kilg%re, a robot that can do pretty much anything the writer needs him to do to keep the action going. And because a lot of readers won't be familiar with Kilg%re, he helpfully explains where he came from and what powers he has.

What does reciting Shakespeare have to do with anything? Any robot or child who loves attention can be programmed to do that! And why bash Internet trolls?! I think I'm offended!

• Kilg%re recites some Hamlet for Cyborg just before dropping Sarah Charles off of a building. I bet Cyborg recites some Hamlet back at Kilg%re later! It's probably thematic! Did Hamlet battle cyborgs in that play? Or was that in Othello?

• Kilg%re was sent by Cyborg's Machine Daddy to tell Cyborg that he's a machine and he should remain with machines and stop mixing with humans.

• Kilg%re should become a rapper and change his name to Kilg$re.

• Kilg%re leads Cyborg to church where they can discuss Cyborg's lack of a soul. When is Cyborg going to realize that a soul is just a metaphorical concept to describe the essence of human individuality. The brain is the closest thing to a soul that a person has. This is obvious when you consider transplants. If any bit of me were replaced by another person, I'd still be me. Until you replaced my brain. At that point, nobody would believe that it was still me. At that point, it's a full body transplant for the brain that was put into my skull. If I had a soul, it could just take over the brain and infuse the new brain with my personality, right? Unless the soul is kept inside the brain somewhere. Shut up, me! You want me to lose my own argument!?

• Held hostage by Kilg%re, Cyborg has to choose a side. Is he robot or man?! I mean, technically he's both. A cyborg! I thought Kilg%re was smart. Doesn't he have access to a dictionary? This whole choosing which part of you is the real part seems awfully racist, dude.

Oh shit. Kilg%re has Daddy Issues!

• Why is Kilg%re so upset about humans building machines? It's not like a Lawn Mower has to find its purpose. It's born with meaning! I suppose the trouble starts when a lawn mower gains sentience and would rather write poetry than mow grass. But that's a problem that should be left for when it gains sentience! Why worry about a lawn mower being enslaved when it's just a fucking machine? Stop projecting your own artificial intelligence onto other machines, Kilg%re! You're way more human than you realize.

• Kilg%re decides to compare a lawn mower to an African-American slave. I guess robots have a hard time noting when they're being huge dickholes. Next, Kilg%re will probably tell how he was once in London and didn't have the proper adapter for the outlet and he couldn't recharge. He'll probably refer to it as "his Vietnam."

• Cyborg refuses to join with the robots even after all of Kilg%re's impeccable logic about how using a coffee machine is equal to owning a slave. That's when Kilg%re decides it's time to bring Human Daddy into the discussion. With a bomb strapped to his chest.

• Cyborg saves his father and then, through plot devices, gets the upper hand against Kilg%re.

I like Cyborg even less now! Having a favorite Ernest Hemingway novel is like having a favorite time to eat your own shit.

• The big surprise twist is that Cyborg's father Silas isn't his father! It's an impostor! The real Silas is tied up and being forced to watch monitors showing Cyborg's life in real time. Poor guy!

• See? Cyborg should have been paying attention to Kilg%re's Shakespeare hint. Because this whole father switcheroo was exactly what happened in Hamlet.

The Ranking!
+0! It's Cyborg, you know? Someday, I'm sure somebody will make him interesting. But it certainly won't be any of these writers who believe to make him interesting, they need a hot take on his humanity. Just make him funny or sexy or super cool or arrogant or a douchebag. Show his humanity through human flaws! But don't make them Shakespearean! Cyborg doesn't need to love too well! Mostly because that would be racist, basing him on Othello.

Cyborg #1

We get it, Cyborg comic book! The main character is a CYBORG!

The Commentary!
One of the main reasons I don't believe in The Bible is that it never mentions cybernetic beings. You'd think if something will have existed, God would have known about it. And if God knew about cyborgs way back when he created the world, how could he not mention them to Abraham or Israel or every single person he spoke directly to in The Bible? If I were God and I were hanging out in the Garden of Eden talking to Adam, I would definitely have mentioned cyborgs. Like that part where Adam was choosing a help meet, right? As God, I would have been, "So, what about a cow? No? A horse? A duck? Oh! OH! You'll never turn this one down: a cyborg! Boom! Totally radical, right dude?" And it's not like a mention of cyborgs wouldn't have gotten a whole section of The Bible all for itself. The sections would have been marked "The Creation," "Adam and Eve," "Adam Learns About Cyborgs", "The Fall of Man." I suppose Adam really wouldn't have learned much about cyborgs. He'd probably have only asked God the same question about cyborgs that he had been asking about every other rejected help meet: "Can I fuck it?" I think God's answer to Adam every time he asked that was, "Yeah, but you probably shouldn't!"

This issue begins with Cyborg's Machine Dad going on about broken and useless technology which people don't need anymore. I always thought it all wound up in bins at the back of a Goodwill but apparently, according to Cyborg's Machine Dad, much of it is toxic to humans and thrown in landfills. So are the four or five old broken outdated laptops piled in the corner of my office a threat to my health and well-being?! I should probably load them up with porn and send them to poor pornless children in other parts of the world.

Who am I kidding? I don't need to load them up with porn at all! It was probably a virus that downloaded tons and tons of porn onto the hard drive that killed each of those laptops.

I mean, the laptops probably burned out because I read so much Shakespeare on them.

This story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is part one, "Awakening!" Ooh! So exciting! An exclamation point right in the title! I think I just came in my pants a little bit. Can somebody do that just a little bit? I suppose a little bit is all I have left after jerking it to four or five laptops full of porn.

Cyborg begins his part of the issue by stopping a robbery. So useful! He even does a bunch of the cyber. But that's probably not important because this story wasn't called "Cyborg Plays At Being A Hero While Secretly Being Sad About The Loss Of His Wiener". No, this issue is called "Awakening!" which means the conflict will probably be more of an internal thing.

I thought Morrow was going to say "Matchmaker."

Cyborg goes on an ice cream date with Sarah Charles. This sends him into a philosophical dilemma as he remembers hearing the recording his father made that explained a bunch of stuff his father wanted to keep secret. Seems like a weird recording to make, really. Anyway, Victor is now wondering if he's the same person he was before the accident or if he's just a machine programmed to think it's Victor Stone. Not like it matters. Human or machine, Sarah Charles has had both in her vagina. So I think he's going to get lucky tonight!

Seriously, though, I don't know why he'd be worried or concerned. So what if he's just a machine and code that replicates a human being? How does the knowledge that that is true change anything? I really wouldn't give a fuck if I were a simulation because I'm still a simulation of the person that I think I am.

Speaking of simulations, I find the theory that our universe could possibly be a simulation basically the religious theory of science. It's just a scientific way to say "God created the universe" except, in this instance, God is some other race of beings that created the technology to create a stand alone universe. Ultimately, the real question still remains: how did the race of people who created our universe (or those that created theirs? Or the ones who created theirs? Or...you get it) come to pass? Saying super smart bug-eyed reptilian scientists did it is no different than God did it. Without actual evidence of what happened before The Big Bang, the speculation is as useless as the Catholic Church.

At the ice cream shoppe, Cyborg meets his two biggest fans.

Why that little fucker?! How did his parents not slap the fuck out of him for saying that?! Little shit. I would have used my white noise attachment on him set to "Brown Note".

I probably shouldn't be so hard on these kids. I won't stop going on and on about how Cyborg doesn't have a penis! That's worse! You can live without feeling love. It's actually preferable that way! But without a penis?! Egads!

I don't mean to suggest all of you vagina-havers somehow don't have any reason to live. Of course you do! Your vaginas are terrific! Keep up the good work! A Plus Plus!

Sarah Charles discovers that Victor hasn't been to church since the accident. Well, she knows just the cure for that: jazz! Hmm, that sounds about right. I can't stand sitting through either.

I guess the whole religious thing is what has Victor so worried. If he's just a machine, how can he have one of those made-up souls?! If only God had mentioned cyborgs in The Bible, he wouldn't be losing faith. Although doesn't Jesus mention them? I'm pretty sure Jesus mentions them. If not, Jesus is pretty clear that the way to Heaven is through him. Does it count if a machine is programmed to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? I would have to think so because don't people want Xboxes and Playstations to go to Heaven too?

The jazz performer is named Blue and he's blind. I guess jazz from a blind person is more spiritual than jazz from some asshole who can read a sheet of music. That guy probably isn't jamming at all!

Blue's description of jazz is basically a description of this blog. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on jazz. If this blog were a type of music, I would call it punk jazz. But the bubble gum pop version of punk jazz! Played by a tone deaf piece of shit.

Is Cyborg going to cry soon? Will that prove he's got a soul? Because an old blind man makes him cry? That doesn't prove he has a soul! It just proves he's a big baby!

Cyborg doesn't cry while listening to the jazz which should mean I should be nice to him since I just scolded him for possibly crying. But instead I'd rather point out that if he didn't cry, he probably didn't really feel anything and, thus, he has no soul. At the very least, the kid in the ice cream shoppe was right and he has no heart. I won't even mention, once again, what I'm probably right about.

As Cyborg is feeling pretty good about himself, he's attacked by The Kilg%re. It probably dropped the "the" for Rebirth. For a creature that hates humanity as much as Killg%re does, it's odd that it would attack the machine guy and not his supple fleshy date. I guess Cyborg really is human after all!

The Ranking!
+1! So far, this is a Cyborg comic book that's kind of interesting. It still isn't about his penis though. It really should be about his penis.

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, so...um...Some scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!