Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #5 (Second Week of January 2018)

 

E!TACT! #5
Kamandi Challange #12, The New Age of DC Heroes, The Overlooked: an RPG, 
By Grunion Guy

Kamandi Challenge #12

By Simone, Levitz, Sook, García-López, Thompson, Prado, Mulvihill, Crossley, and Martin

I still don't know what the fuck we were supposed to be solving!

At least when DC did this last time, they set up the DC Challenge as a mystery. True, nobody treated it like a mystery. Every writer just added more bullshit and more characters each month while ignoring the calculator clue that Eli Ellis was responsible for whatever the fuck the mystery was. I can't remember anything about the comic book except that, yes, I solved it before DC did. I noted the Eli Ellis clue that every subsequent writer ignored because Batman is a terrible detective when he has to rely on real people to do his work for him. I think one of the other clues Batman was supposed to decipher had to do with Benjamin Franklin being on the fifty dollar bill.

If your reaction to that last sentence was, "Wait. That's not right!", then congratulations! You're also smarter than DC Challenge's Batman!

But getting back to the Kamandi Challenge, what the fuck is the challenge? What am I supposed to be figuring out? I hope before they reveal the solution, they'll explain the mystery!

They didn't explain the mystery. But I guess the mystery was "Did you know Jack Kirby was Kamandi's father?" and the solution was, "Yep! Jack Kirby was Kamandi's father!" So the final issue was like that moment in Cerebus when Dave Sim sings a Pink Floyd song to his aardvarkian creation while they discuss the importance of the Injury to the Eye motif in comic books destroying the innocence of American children. Except with less misogyny.

Speaking of Cerebus, I sometimes wonder how many people were left reading the monthly book by the end. Probably less than ten thousand, right? That number might even be pretty high. Well, if you weren't one of those who made it to the end, let me explain Dave Sim's concept of the creation of the universe. See, there was this female void and this male not-void. And the female void was super sexy which caused the male not-void to want to fuck it. Now, the female was a void because she was empty of the creative process, being that her only reason for existing was henpecking and nagging the male not-void. But the male not-void was super creative and full of creative juices. Now, the male not-void would have created the best universe in the world with his great male creativity, but he was distracted by the female void, what with her basically being a giant, infinite orifice. And because he spent so much energy trying to please her so that he could fuck her, he didn't get any creative work done and the world suffered for it and became less than perfect. In other words, if you're a male, you should become a celibate hermit so that you can create a six thousand page comic book that doesn't suffer the influence of women. Although being that a good portion of that six thousand pages was all about how women ruin everything, it would seem that women ruined those six thousand pages anyway!

I don't think Kamandi Challenge is going to end as crazily although it begins that way with Kamandi, The Last Boy on Earth, resolving some father issues with a godlike father figure cradling a massive phallic object. I hope Jack Kirby's final words to Kamandi aren't, "Don't trust women, boy! Not that there are any left. That's just general advice! What I mean to say is, 'Don't get distracted by your penis.'" Then he chomps down on his cigar and his eyes roll back in his head and he mutters, "Oh yeah. That's good oral fixation."

Oh. I guess Kirby is the anti-Dave Sim. He wants Kamandi to fuck!

Some of you that read up through Dave Sim's "Tangent" before breaking your connection with him might be thinking, "Your explanation about his creation of the world was in Mothers & Daughters. I thought you were going to explain some shit from the end!" And I did! It's just that the Mothers & Daughters creation story basically became Dave Sim's vehicle for explaining The Bible. Instead of one male God, he tells the Genesis story as if it were a back and forth between two Gods, the form and the void, or the male and the female. At least that's how I remember it. I'd reread it but I'm not sure I can muster the energy to slog through that shit again.

The issue ends with Bobo the Chimp saying, "This is what comics are about! I hope you had fun!" Well, fuck you, Bobo. I didn't have fun. This was worse than DC Challenge! Mostly because I hate reading 240 pages of  sucking Jack Kirby's dick metaphors. I'd rather have simply had a bunch of artists draw that.

The New Age of DC Heroes

Around the time Image cropped up causing the people behind the scenes at DC to begin shitting themselves over writer's and artist's rights to the characters they created, DC began thinking up schemes to create as many new characters as possible so they could own all of the ideas. There was that crap about Bloodlines which created nearly no heroes that anybody cared about and then some other shit about a meta-gene which might have had to do with the Legends miniseries. That might not have created new heroes as much as relaunched a few franchises like the Justice League and the Suicide Squad. But I had to add it to make my point because just referencing Bloodlines didn't seem like enough evidence of DC losing their minds about the potential loss of profits in having to acknowledge creator's rights. Plus the Legends thing fits in with this whole "New Age of DC." That's because this new wave of heroes will become extant thanks to the Metal Gene. That's my guess, anyway. I figured I should take a look at these up and coming heroes and judge them by their covers.

DAMAGE

I don't have any issue with Robert Venditti's writing, and I might, in fact, even like it better than most. But I'm not interested in reading a comic book that's probably not a complete rip-off of The Hulk according to DC's lawyers. Nor am I interested in seeing two to three double page spreads of this monster every issue. Here's Tony S. Daniel's quote on the book (which you've all probably read since it's in every issue of DC Comics sold for two or more weeks):

"As I grow personally and as an artist, it feels similar to how Damage is trying to be the best version of himself."

It seems odd to compare yourself to a character that explodes into a monstrous rage an hour each day but I guess it's provided me some insight into Tony's personality. I wonder if once or twice per day, Tony S. Daniel pictures himself in a double splash page? What would that even entail? I've probably had only a half dozen double splash pages in my entire life and they were the kind of double splash pages that I complain about because they would have communicated the exact same message as a regular panel. And, yes, my loss of virginity would be one of those.

Picture me climbing clumsily on top of the lucky woman who was about to obliterate my sexual innocence as I say, "Am I in? Am I...OH GOD YES! Um, sorry."

THE SILENCER

John Romita Jr. is artist on this series so if you hate subtle curves in your art, this might be the book for you. It's written by Dan Abnett who I've never found anything but sufficient. Apparently Romita fell in love with the boring name of this hero and just knew he had to bore audiences on this book. It's also possible I'm misremembering the back of the comic book interview with this "creative" team. If you liked that movie about those hot actors who were a married couple but also spies, you'll probably read this book and say, "What is this shit? It's a total rip off of that movie I love! The one with Lara Croft in it!"

Here's Romita's quote on the book: "That's what I like, something realistic and you add fantastic to it." Imagine how terrible all of his other quotes about this book must have been if that's the one DC went with. "I like real stuff but exciting! Imagine having real sex but with, like, a thumb up your butt! Real but fantastic!"

SIDEWAYS

This book's name was probably based on Kenneth Rocafort's inability to draw a standard comic book panel. This comic book is about Vibe except it's not Vibe at all. He's totally different for some reason. Maybe he's not boring? Although he's taken up the name Sideways, so he's definitely not creative or witty.

Kenneth Rocafort says: "I prefer to let my art speak for itself." Hey! Thanks for the fucking aggressive quote, asshole! "Hey, Kenny! How do you enjoy working on this new series?" "Why don't you look at this, bitch! BLAM!" The "BLAM" is when he shoves one of his drawings in the face of the interviewer. Later, the interviewer realizes she's now suffering from vertigo thanks to Rocafort's haphazard page layout.

THE TERRIFICS

Finally a book I'm excited about! Metamorpho and Plastic Man together?! Which one will be the funny one? Does the comic book have enough room for two funny characters?! Also Mister Terrific and Phantom Girl, for some reason. Plus there's mention of Tom Strong. What now?! Thankfully this is written by Jeff Lemire and drawn by Ivan Reis so I have no horribly judgmental insults to heap upon the creative team.

Ivan Reis: "Readers have never seen a group like this." Maybe Rocafort had the right idea. Maybe the artists should just keep quiet.

THE IMMORTAL MEN

This series sounds interesting except for one aspect: James Tynion IV is writing it. I might add it to my pull list anyway because how much could it cost per month? Jim Lee is on art duty so it'll probably only come out every other month, at best.

How is James Tynion IV going to write characters that have been around for centuries? Is this book going to be about a bunch of Immortal Men having to learn from their new millennial pal, Caden Park? Is he going to teach them about all the different genders which they can't possibly understand, being old and probably white and most likely male (see the "MEN" in the name!). I bet Caden is bisexual.

Jim Lee: "When you create new characters, you can kind of swing for the fences." Why didn't somebody help Jim Lee with his quote. The whole idea of the phrase "to swing for the fences" is that you aren't "kind of" doing something. I'd like to see how he draws this idea. Then maybe I'd understand it! Although I'd probably wonder why he had to scribble on the person kind of swinging for the fence's face.

THE CURSE OF BRIMSTONE

Wasn't Brimstone the big bad dude in Legends that the Suicide Squad had to defeat? Remember, I might read comic books but I don't remember them very well. The most interesting thing about this series is the name. I was intrigued when I read the name and then became less intrigued as I read the concept and then was completely out of intrigue by the time I read Justin Jordan's quote: "He's a character who wants to try and do good with a power that is fundamentally evil." That sounds like somebody trying to make a mountain out of a philosophical mole hill. Unless his power is evil because it only works while keeping people in other nations starving, what does it matter if the power is "fundamentally evil"? Does that even mean anything? Unless, like I said, it has some kind of huge negative repercussion on the world. Because if it does then Brimstone is definitely just a narcissistic douche rationalizing his heroism. But if it's just evil in the sense that it was given to him by the devil, who the fuck cares? All that really means is that the devil is probably kicking himself every time Brimstone helps people using his devilish powers.

Philip Tan: "I love world building, and this project allowed me to create the look." Fucking hell. Will somebody please stop asking the artists what they think?! It's pissing me off because I'm beginning to respect Rocafort's answer!

NEW CHALLENGERS

Somehow, this series isn't being written by Dan DiDio. Everybody knows who the Challengers of the Unknown are and this is more of that. But it's by Scott Snyder! So whoever missed the memo that Snyder's writing isn't as great as we all thought it was (and it was. I think? Remember that thing about me not remembering comics at all?!) will probably be excited for this. Since it's the "New" Challengers, I take it that means the team won't be a blond white guy, a brown haired white guy, another brown haired white guy, a black guy, a red headed woman, and some kind of talking animal.

Scott Snyder's quote about this book was so good that the blurb about the comic is just a repeat of Snyder's quote. But Andy Kubert's quote doesn't disappoint (if you realize that by "doesn't disappoint," I mean that it totally does and that's what I expect from artists): "I am so excited to do science fiction, dinosaurs and all kinds of things like that." So fucking Andy Kubert is excited to, like, um...I don't know...draw?

THE UNEXPECTED

This is written by Steve Orlando so I kind of have to give it a chance. Until I read something by Steve Orlando that is the physical equivalent of Orlando pissing in my face, he'll get my money. Here's a quote from the comic book's description: "It centers in on something we all face every day, wrestling with our pasts and the compromises we've made." I'm glad I'm not a friend of whoever wrote that quote. I hope I'm not friends with anybody who identifies with that quote. Who the fuck is spending every day wrestling with their past and the compromises they made?! Fucking dramatic assholes, I suspect.

Ryan Sook's quote was fine. Thank you, Ryan, for a passable quote by an artist.

So that's that! I look forward to reading two of the New Age of DC Comics comics! Or would that simply be "New Age of DC comics"? It's hard to tell when the DC should have the word comics following it as a proper or improper noun. Was improper the right term there? I don't really fucking care.

And Now...A Game!

The Overlooked

A Roller Playing Game based on the HBO series The Leftovers.

If I'm not allowed to base a Roller Playing game on somebody else's Intellectual Property then pretend I never said it was based on what I said it was based on, even if I'm allowed to do it because this is technically a work of parody. It's not really but I write so poorly that it would be hard for any lawyer to argue that it wasn't parody because everybody in the court room will be laughing at my terrible style and constant incorrect use of big words.

The Premise

It's been three years since two percent of the population disappeared in the blink of an eye. No wait! It's been five years because that makes it significantly different than the television show. And instead of two percent, it was three percent! Everybody has tried to get on with their lives by somehow trying to forget the horror of that day but while also being constantly reminded of that day every single day. That's the whole conflict in the Roller Playing Game! How does your Fantasyer deal with what happened?! How does your Character deal with all of the other broken people trying to deal with what happened?! Will you ever figure out what happened? Can you ever get your life back on track? How many dogs will you kill?

Character Creation

Don't think up a name for your character just yet! The first order of business is to determine if your Character wasn't overlooked! Roll Percentile Dice. If you roll a one, a two or a three, your Character disappeared on the Day of the Disappearance! You win because you don't have to deal with all of the other pain in the butt people going crazy! Congratulations! I suppose if that isn't satisfactory, you can try rolling up another Character. In this case, your new Character is closely related to the Character who disappeared. You should probably make up a story about how messed up your new Character is due to not having as much good luck as their vanished loved one.

            If your Character didn't vanish, you can name it now. You can decide yourself what gender it is and what kind of sex it likes. According to Tumblr, those are the most important attributes of a person after their name. Also race! Don't forget to not be a white heterosexual male because that's totally boring and probably evil. Oh! Unless you want to be an evil Character! There's plenty of room for those in this game! Remember that thing about shooting dogs? Probably only a white man would do that!

            Using those Percentile Dice, roll on the following chart to determine your family:

            01-10   Single, No Children   

            11-20   Married, One Child   

            21-30   Single, One Child       

            31-40   Married, Two Children         

            41-50   Single, Two Children 

            51-60   Re-married, Two Children    

            61-70   Widowed, One Child 

            71-80   Widowed, Two Children       

            81-90   Divorced, Three Children     

            91-96   Remarried, d6 Children        

            97-98   Pre-teen (Roll for family type)          

            99-00   Teen (Roll for family type)     

Next, roll for each member of your family to see how many members of the family you just discovered you had vanished on the Day of Disappearance! If you roll a 50 or less, the person vanished! I know that math doesn't match the math of only three percent of people vanishing from the face of the Earth but you don't want to Roller Play a Character who hasn't been affected by a disappearance, do you? I mean, I'll still make it interesting because remember how screwed up everybody was in that one town where nobody vanished? I mean the hypothetical town and hypothetical situation that I just made up while winking at you and poking you with my elbow and whispering so any lawyers in the room couldn't hear me. Add fifteen to each subsequent roll if a family member vanished in a previous roll. So if you have to roll three times and two of your family members vanished in the first two rolls, the third roll is at +30. See? That makes it hard for you to wind up like that one Character whose boobies you always got to see who was super into playing the role of a victim. Remember how she used to have hookers shoot her in the chest while listening to Slayer?! Normally I would have begun that by saying "Spoiler warning!" but if I say that here, it could be used against me in a copyright court of law. It's better if everybody just thinks I made that up just now.  

            If none of your family members vanished, you should roll on the following chart because you really should have been personally affected in some way. Otherwise you may as well play the Roller Playing Game "Nothing Particularly Unusual Has Ever Happened." And why would you play that when it would just be a simulation of your typical Saturday night!

            Person in Your Life Who Vanished  

            01-10   Your mother  

            11-20   Your father    

            21-30   The person you were doing it to.       

            31-40   The babysitter you were probably doing it to   

            41-50   Your best friend        

            51-60   Your nemesis 

            61-70   Your spiritual advisor (like a priest or rabbit or yoga instructor)      

            71-80   The taxi driver of a cab you were in           

            81-90   Your favorite celebrity         

            91-100 A person who was just about to murder you

Flaws

Each Character has a number of flaws that will help you to Roller Play them as they try to discover the mystery of the vanishing or just try to deal with their insecurities based on not having been taken too. Roll about five times on the following chart and hope that you can handle all of the psychological baggage that comes with being a troubled survivor obsessed with their own tragedy!

            01-03   Only attracted to people who lost somebody on the Day of Disappearance because they probably won't be as hurt when you dump them.    

            04-06   You believe dogs...I mean cats...are turning into people and taking over America.

            07-09   You hate your stupid family but keep pretending that you love them for some reason that I could never figure out.

            10-12   Your mother died the day before while you were doing smack in the bathroom which led to intense guilt about being the child of a rock star.         

            13-15   You can never relax because you're constantly annoyed by crickets and charlatans.  

            16-18   You were a star of a YouTube series and the only member of the cast who wasn't taken.

            19-21   You constantly masturbate because that's what you were doing when it happened and you're afraid if you don't keep picking at the pork pie, you'll wind up being taken.  

            22-24   You've joined a cult. See the Cult Creation section.           

            25-27   Voices in your head keep telling you to do things that are never mentioned at all!   

            28-30   Life is apparently meaningless so you've lost all inhibitions and engage in reckless behavior.      

            31-33   You were in an accident due to people disappearing and are now in a coma.    

            34-36   A doctor who was operating on you vanished while holding one of your kidneys and you really want it back.    

            37-39   You smoke just like every other person who can't cope with their life, especially without the constant unconditional love of a dog.  

            40-42   You hate your stupid family and don't keep pretending you love them, instead faking your own secondary vanishing.     

            43-45   You kill dogs on sight. I mean cats! Whichever, I guess.      

            46-48   You believe if you don't appropriate every culture you can think of, the world will end.          

            49-51   You pay prostitutes to shoot you while you wear a Kevlar vest and listen to Lionel Richie's "Dancing on the Ceiling."         

            52-54   You've invented a Roller Playing game called "Nothing Particularly Unusual Has Ever Happened" so you can feel normal.    

            55-57   You keep yelling at your television...I mean, at other people...that it's all meaningless and they really should just get over it already.    

            58-60   You constantly rain on other people's parades and even got a job that helps you hurt them because you hate yourself and your life and your really nice boobies.          

            61-63   You died and came back to life and now you think you're God but you're really just a jerk.   

            64-66   You worship an old lion that was able to get a whole bunch of boners because why not? Nothing makes sense anymore! 

            67-69   You think the people who vanished are the lucky ones because remember how much you can't stand your family?

            70-72   If you lost nobody, you only date people who lost multiple family members because you're sure to blow up that relationship easy!      

            73-75   Your father was a pedophile. This isn't as funny as you might expect. Or at all even. 

            76-78   One time you buried a bird in a box for three days and it survived and what the heck was that about anyway?!      

            79-81   You spent the last five years on top of a thirty foot tall pillar just to get away from your religious spouse.

            82-84   You pay strangers to spank you with an oar and shout the first name of your favorite fat comedian. 

            85-87   I'm glad they eventually explained the goat guy.         

            88-90   You obsess over minute details because big picture thinking makes you want to commit suicide.          

            91-93   You can't stop obsessing over your own problems and no longer have any empathy for other people. I think every character has this one.          

            94-96   Were there any cats in the series? I don't remember there being any cats! 

            97-99   You can't let other people believe the vanished ones were taken by the Rapture because what does that say about you if they were? Sinner! 

            100      Somebody left a baby on your porch and you feel better now because caring for something helpless gives your life meaning. But just wait until you lose it and you once again have to face how life is as meaningless as Lily was to the show.

Special Powers

Some people in this post-meaning world have been given special powers for some reason. Maybe they're not really special powers at all! Maybe they're frauds or there is some kind of scientific mumbo-jumbo behind it all. Who can tell?! It's not like anything matters anymore anyway. Just roll on the following chart, take your stupid special power, and consider yourself lucky! Or burdened, more likely!

            01-96   No special power! Ha ha!

            97        You can see through the disguises of dogs! Those sneaky mutts! You should probably kill them all!           

            98        You can't die! I don't know why you can't. It's not like it's ever explained in the show that this may or may not be based on!        

            99        You can hug people's pain away! This might just be a great big lie. But even if it is, it's a big hit with people of the gender you want to do it to!  

            100      You can tell people's future by making them do kindergarten art projects. This power is probably fake too. But play it as if it's real!

Cult Creation

After an event that seems to indicate the world ended (although suddenly losing two percent of the world's population doesn't seem like a bad thing, right? (I mean three percent!)), a lot of people lose faith in whatever crazy but accepted system of belief was barely keeping them tethered to sanity by providing a buffer against the possibility that nothing matters and we live in a careless and chaotic universe that doesn't have a special place in it for mankind. Since the old beliefs didn't stop masses of people from simply disappearing, maybe a new system of beliefs can help staunch the existentialism that's begun leaking in at the corners. That's where Cults come in! If you joined a Cult in Character Creation, welcome! You're about to learn your new rules to live by! This section should also be used by the Game Master to come up with some adversaries that aren't dogs or half-naked people.      

            First, come up with a name! This is easy. Just pick an adjective or an adverb and stick it in front of a noun or phrase. You should probably choose words that make people feel terrible. A good name might be The Penitent Fragment or the Sheepish Shred or The Regretful Oddment or The Conscience-Stricken Scrap. You can probably come up with one of your own since I'm running out of synonyms for The Guilty Remnant.         

            Second, you need to come up with some wacky rules. I suppose I could make another chart for those but they'd all be variations on what kind of clothing to wear and how to do your hair and make-up. Then the last rule would probably be about the conditions under which all the members would kill themselves. Your Game Master can figure that stuff out for themselves!

Random Encounter Table

Life is all about conflict! And in Roller Playing Games, that conflict is usually violent. But this is a special kind of Roller Playing Game! You don't get experience points for killing things. You just get more and more depressed every time you have an interaction with somebody until you feel like you can't go on with the charade anymore. This table will help drive Characters closer and closer to the brink!

            01-05   Labrador Retriever  

            06-10   Cocker Spaniel          

            11-15   German Shepherd     

            16-20   Poodle

            21-25   St. Bernard    

            26-30   Doberman Pinscher   

            31-35   Corgi  

            36-40   Greyhound     

            41-45   Australian Shepherd  

            46-50   Bloodhound    

            51-55   Cult Member 

            56-60   Guy with no pants on

            61-65   Truly happy person   

            66-70   Religious person        

            71-75   Dog hunter     

            76-80   Prostitute       

            81-85   Woman with no top on          

            86-90   God. Maybe.  

            91-100 A hallucination

Some Starter Adventure Ideas

Adventure #1: Somebody asks you if you're happy. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #2: Your teenager's best friend keeps walking around the house in their underwear and you really want to do it to them. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #3: Your best friend's parent keeps staring at you as you walk around their house practically naked. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #4: You live in a town where nobody vanished and everybody thinks your town is special. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #5: The cult in your town, Doggy Daycare Disaster, has been putting fireworks in unscooped dog dirt. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #6: Your father set all the National Geographics in the library on fire. Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #7: You begin hallucinating. Or do you? Who can tell?! Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #8: Have you seen any cats since the Day of Disappearance? Let the tragedy of your existence begin!

Adventure #9: Just let the tragedy of your existence begin already!

The Goal!

The goal of the game is to become satisfied with your life. I suppose I could make up some rule about how you accomplish that but who do you think I am? Some kind of Enlightened Master of Life?! I'm just as scared and anxious as everybody else!

    

Kamandi Challenge #5

Kamandi, The Last Girl On Earth, is getting super erotic.

When we last left Kamandi, the Last Girl on Earth, she was involved in a death race style competition with the Kanga Rat Murder Society. It's just what they do with every survivor of a plane crash they find wandering the wastes near the Great Western Wall of Mystery and Awe. It's not surprising since that's what Australians currently do anyway. "Hey mate!" they would say in a really stereotypical and terrible version of their Australian accent (which is the best I can manage, even when I'm just writing it) "'Ow about gittin' a spinggrok on the kill-em-magoo?!" Then they all wave their dicks towards New Zealand, slam a beer, pretend not to see the indigenous Australians nearby, and spit, "I reckon crikey maybe gosswizzers fligarmalarkey!"

Meanwhile as I, an American, poke fun at Australians, they've enacted sensible gun laws.

I suppose the Kanga Rat Murder Society sit and stew in boredom most of the time. If Kangaroos can get hard-ons, I bet the collective "boing" of their rods stiffening when they realized somebody had crashed a plane nearby cracked the sound barrier, shattering beer mugs and didgeridoos all across the Outback. Now they get to chase Kamandi and Fuck Plant all across the Outback throwing boomerangs and whatever other weapons are still legal in Australia. You can't outlaw boomerangs because boomerangs don't kill people because people can't throw boomerangs effectively. I mean people kill people. I mean Kanga Rat Murder Society kills people. Also guns. Guns kill people. Also other things. Lots of other things kill people. But most of them aren't as effective as guns. Or the United States military.

This is Kamandi's friend, Fuck Plant. Excuse me while I research nearby nurseries online with my pants off.

I meant the kind of nursery where they grow plants and not the kind where they grow children, you sicko pervert!

To keep from being Kanga Rat murdererd, Fuck Plant drives herself and Kamandi off a cliff and into the sea. They survive because she turns herself into a protective womb to wrap around Kamandi. Kamandi thinks, "Am I in Fuck Plant's vagina?" They hit the water and Kamandi is knocked out before she can finish masturbating.

Three days later, Kamandi wakes up. For some reason, she isn't hungry or thirsty. Probably because Fuck Plant isn't just good for fucking; she's also entirely edible! She's probably been stuffing pieces of herself into Kamandi. Not in a sexy way! In a nutritional way! I suppose that's still sexy for weirdo perverts who get off on people eating.

Kamandi is eventually plucked out of the sea by Babal Crow, a sea captain who is also a dog. He is the captain of a paddle steamer. Get it? Doggy paddle? That's a good joke, right?! He doesn't call himself and his crew pirates. No, they're "Free Traders" who are loyal to no nation. Kamandi asks about Fuck Plant and Babel is all, "Oh cute. You fucked your raft? Good and proper thing to do. But we left it in the ocean because gross." Kamandi shrugs and gets on with her life.

After the paddle steamer comes ashore on some jungle continent, Kamandi winds up sidekicking with Raja Maccao, ex-wrestling tiger now turned world's greatest detective. But he's too busy to solve Kamandi's Challenge before they (or I!) solve it. They spend a few months wandering the jungle not solving any cases at all while Raja "Mack" Maccao tries to impress Kamandi with stories of all of his adventures. Kamandi continues to refuse to put a shirt on to cover her girl nipples. I continue to read this comic book in private.

One morning, Mack and Kamandi are attacked by panthers riding on the backs of various giant birds. It's like Elfquest Book Three all over again! Sort of.

To escape, Kamandi once again must plunge off of a cliff into water. Did Bill Willingham have a stroke partway through writing this script? I hope the cliffhanger doesn't have anything to do with Kamandi about to be murdered while near the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom.

Actually, Kamandi doesn't escape. But Mack does! He probably won't reappear until the end of the series. He did confess that he was searching for somebody but never mentioned who it was. I bet he was searching for Kamandi! Or maybe Doctor Canis. Or, perhaps, Doctor Vokolo, the lemur who can doctor! Mack was, after all, searching for somebody who could cure some stupid post-apocalyptic disease. Anyway, I suspect maybe he's searching for Doctor Vokolo because that's who Kamandi was just captured by. So the cliffhanger at the end should probably be solved by Mack rescuing Kamandi since Mack was searching for this place anyhow.

I might be getting ahead of myself though! With all the twists and turns these Kamandi Challenge stories take, anything could happen between now and the last few pages.

Doctor Vokolo needs to vivisect Kamandi so his 3-D Printer can learn to print human organs. Why he needs human organs when he's killing the last human on Earth to learn to make them, I don't know. I guess human organs will be used as replacement parts for the post-apocalyptic sentient pig people.

Mack does arrive to rescue Kamandi...but not in time!

Eep!

I think Bill Willingham wins for best cliffhanger so far! By the way, for those of you wondering how Kamandi is still alive without any organs, Doctor Vokolo explained it all earlier but it was too much technical mumbo-jumbo for the kinds of people who read my commentaries. I saved you a headache! Just know it probably makes sense.

Here's how I would solve this cliffhanger: Mack would force Doctor Vokolo to put Kamandi's brain into the body of a super sexy tiger lady. Then Mack would fuck Kamandi for nineteen pages. Then the cliffhanger would be Mack saying, "Oh no! My erection has lasted longer than four hours! What am I going to do?!"

Instead of having the essay by the previous writer answering how they would have solved their cliffhanger, once again readers are given a pile of dogshit from an artist who basically just says, "I loved drawing it! Whee!" I suppose James Tynion's resolution to his cliffhanger was just too boring and mediocre to publish. Anyway, next month is Steve Orlando! That's where we'll find out somebody is probably gay! Although why nobody came out as bisexual in Tynion's book is a huge mystery!

Kamandi Challenge #4

I guess Kamandi is younger than I thought. Is there actually an age where it becomes illegal to show a female topless? Or is it all dependent on breast development?

Once again, I should probably explain the caption. Kamandi is female. I've told you before not to believe everything you're told. Unless it comes from me. I would never lie to you.

So at the end of the last issue, Palmiotti and Conner had Kamandi and her fuck plant about to be sacrificed to the God of Jaguars (the God is just a giant Jaguar. That's pretty much the accepted truth of all gods. They're just giant sized versions of the creatures who worship them. Unless you're Hindu. Then they're multi-limbed or animal headed humanoids who can't get enough butter). I would have expected Jimmy and Amanda to come up with a sexier cliffhanger. Perhaps there's an urban dictionary definition of "sacrifice to the Jaguar God" that I'm not familiar with. According to this cover, Tynion the Fourth has come up with a simple solution to the cliffhanger. Kamandi is grabbed and then she stabs the Jaguar God with a dagger that she was hiding inside her vagina. That might sound dangerous but it's okay if you stick the sheath in there first.

I bet James Tynion the Fourth's cliffhanger will be Kamandi telling her fuck plant that while she loves to fuck robots and grandmothers and humanoid animals and mechanical appliances, she's not really into foliage.

Before I begin reading this comic book, it's probably a good time to question the question on the cover: "Can you solve it before they do?" Nobody has yet to explain what I'm trying to solve before this mysterious "they" solve whatever it is! It's not like Kamandi woke up one morning and met up with her slacker friends, took their garish van down a spooky back road, came upon a ghost town where the only living occupant was Don Knotts, and quickly realized there was a mystery to be solved when they saw the ghost. I loved the Scooby Gang. When they saw a ghost, three-fifths of them instantly thought, "It's obviously not a real ghost since there is no such thing as life after death or God. Therefore, whatever is going on is caused by a human trying to get one over on other humans for their own selfish, greedy reasons. We need to squash this bullshit right now with science and logic!" The other two-fifths usually screamed, "G-g-g-g-g-ghost!", and then shit themselves.

I suppose the mystery is just a kind of general "What the fuck is going on here?" thing. Why was Kamandi left to live a lie in a city of robots? Why did her parents abandon her? What happened to the world? That's all stuff that hardly matters since this series is really just a bunch of writers getting to play around in Jack Kirby's world. I bet before writing their parts, they all got to pick their favorite bits of Kirby's Last Girl On Earth series to write about. That way not everybody was writing the issue where Kamandi and Tuftan find themselves trapped on an island with only fucking to keep them alive. Man, I've dreamed about being trapped on that island constantly!

The story begins with Kamandi in the grip of the Jaguar God (just like on the cover!). Her fuck plant screams her name from below. "Kamandi! You haven't eaten me yet!" I bet the thought of eating her fuck planet gets Kamandi so wet, she slips from the grip of the Jaguar God and escapes! Then the Jaguar God just gives up because once your food touches the floor, it's gone, man.

Is it ... semen?! The Jaguar God is just a big fuck puppet!

Kamandi is deep throated by the Jaguar Fuck Puppet which deposits her in the creatures semen supply bunker. That's also where a couple of regular Jaguar people are controlling the fuck puppet and enjoying the previous loads of semen. It turns out it's just an automaton! The Jaguar God is a big fake created by creatures in their own image. Just like every other god! Again, except the Hindus. Which means the Hindu gods must be real because according to the most boring thing anybody can ever say yet they still say it a lot anyway, "You just can't make that shit up!"

Don't you hate when people say that? Because I can make a lot of shit up and usually the "you can't make that shit up" stuff is so boring and mundane that the expression should be "Why would you want to make that shit up?"

So the "being swallowed whole" by a giant which was my stupid guess as to how this would play out since it's a basic comic book trope and James Tynion the Fourth fucking loves basic comic book tropes turns out to be the solution to the mystery. Of course there's a twist in that the giant is a robot. I guess. Maybe that's not a twist but just another comic book trope that I wasn't really thinking about. After Kamandi is swallowed whole and survives, her fuck plant is chewed up before being swallowed. That's because she's capable of regrowing lost body parts which Kamandi hasn't quite gotten the hang of yet.

A scientist jaguar?! Ridiculous! I mean, I get having a canine scientist. But a feline?! Pshaw!

I should create some kind of rating that scores how long I was able to suspend my disbelief while reading any particular comic book. Maybe put one of those dripping blood line animations that were so popular in the Internet's wild and woolly frontier days at the point I lose my suspension of disbelief. In this one, I'd have placed it right at that spot that a jaguar was a scientist. Totally ridiculous. Jaguars are sporty creatures! Since when has a person into sports ever been able to science anything?! Ridiculous!

Since the jaguar is a scientist, he loves explaining things so Kamandi didn't have to get so threatening so quickly. To be fair, she was just gulped down by a giant fuck puppet god machine. I'd probably be a little bit crazy at that point too. I can't wait to see how Jimmy and Amanda say they would have solved this cliffhanger! I bet Kamandi and his fuck plant would have realized at the last second that it wasn't their bodies that were going to be sacrificed but their God cherries. Then they would have been, "Oh? Okay! I'm totally up for this!" Then there would have been twenty pages of fucking before the next cliffhanger where the condom broke.

Oh! This guy was just a freaky nerd offshoot of the jaguar sun cult. Disbelief re-suspended!

Kamandi forgets that she was just nearly murdered by Professor Cano the Sciencing Jaguar and is impressed by Cano's ability to fool a bunch of religious lunatics. She's all, "Oh yeah! That's what they deserve! Fuck those ignorant motherfuckers!" Then they all dance for a bit before getting back to the plot.

Cano tells Kamandi that she won't be leaving because Jaguar Scientists are a lot like Nazi Scientists. They don't mind vivisecting people who tick the wrong box on the race, religion, sexuality, and anything that kind of slightly annoys the scientist forms. So Kamandi says, "I figured that would be the case. That's why I don't just keep a knife sheathed in my vagina; I also keep a gun holstered in my butthole!" Then she pulls out the gun and threatens to shoot some of the scientist's machinery. Cano curses having not spent enough time in jaguar gym or else he could easily disarm Kamandi. Instead he's all, "Oh shit I just shit my lab coat!"

This paragraph is just for the Actually Nerds out there: I fucking know Kamandi didn't have the gun in her butthole. I know the fucking gun was Cano's and it was mixed in with the tea service or something. But what do you want me to do? Admit to the ridiculous truth of the comic book that Cano leaves his gun just lying around where any two year old jaguar can happen along and shoot itself in the face or make up my own ridiculous truth that goes along with the earlier ridiculous lie about Kamandi's knife? That ridiculous lie was told to obfuscate the ridiculous truth that the jaguars tied up Kamandi for a sacrifice without finding a huge fucking knife on her nearly naked torso. Okay. Back to the bit of commentary that's for everybody.

Instead of threatening Cano and forcing him to free her, Kamandi shoots out the view screen which is the only way the professor has of seeing where the giant robot jaguar god is going. Great job, idiot! Why did the last human on Earth have to be such an idiot?!

Kamandi and his fuck plant climb back out of the jaguar god's mouth while the jaguar king misses the perfect opportunity for a spit take.

Oh come on, James Tynion the Fourth! You don't mind stealing and using every other boring ass cliché in comics but you refuse to use the standard sitcom spit take in the most perfect spot?! Pretentious jerko!

As they're climbing down the front of the giant jaguar fuck puppet, fuck plant notices the plane hanging on a chain around the god's neck. "Do you think that is still mechanically viable and full of fuel and in proper working order after sitting unused for so long and then battered from hanging around the neck of a giant robot?" she asks. Kamandi answers, "Fuck yeah, bitch!" Then she moans orgasmically and says "Why haven't you eaten me yet, honey?" while chlorophyll drips down her inner thigh.

Even though the fuck puppet's view screen was shot out by Kamandi, it still seems to be able to see them escaping in its bling. Kamandi gets in the cockpit and says, "Hee hee! Cockpit!" Then she says, "I hope there's still fuel in this thing!" And that's it. That's the only bit that a reader has to imagine needs to be okay with the jet. It just needs fuel! Don't worry about how long the fuel has been sitting in it or any other bit of maintenance that probably needs to be done on a plane that's been hanging around a fuck puppet's neck for who knows how long! Also, the fuel probably has gotten some semen in it in the intervening years.

But no! The jet works and Kamandi and fuck puppet fly off into the sunset to live happily ever after! I solved the mystery! I think!

She's a plant, you idiot! You're going to suffocate her!

Kamandi blacks out and the jet crashes in the desert where, during his blackout, presumably, she walks away from the crash and collapses. When she wakes back up, she rushes back to the jet and realizes her fuck plant is drying out! Unless she's dead from being suffocated. I bet she just needs to be fucked really good!

Kamandi has crashed next to a gigantic wall. That must mean she's in Australia. I think this is where the Kangaroo Mafia (or whatever they're called!) are going to be used as the cliffhanger.

Before Kamandi can fuck his fuck plant back into consciousness, she's hit in the side of the head with a high tech boomerang. Remember, it's the future! So the boomerangs need to be high tech even though there isn't a lot that can be done to perfect them. Maybe put a gyroscope inside them?

Being that this cliffhanger is, once again, going to be Kamandi about to fight something to the death, she and Fuck Plant (I might as well make that her official name since I refuse to remember that her name is Vila) get to choose some weapons and a vehicle which they'll be able to use against that cliffhanger I mentioned.

Stupid Australians! They're always so violent and ignorant! Which is why it's so strange that they actually have rational gun control!

That's it! That's the cliffhanger! How will Kamandi and Fuck Plant defeat the Kanga Rat Murder Society?! I hope they use sex as their weapon. This series needs more futuristic fucking. Bill Willingham is the next writer so I'm probably not imaginative enough to figure out what he'll come up with. Remember when he was famous for drawing fantasy pics in Dungeons and Dragons supplements? What a time to be alive!

Jimmy Palmiotti writes the essay at the end describing how he would have gotten Kamandi out of the Jaguar God predicament. I bet it involves Kamandi being swallowed whole as well but with a comment from the jaguar king about deep throating. A tasteful comment, of course!

Jimmy lets slip one of the secrets that I pretty much already assumed anyway and said as much in this or the last commentary: the teams of writers and artists already knew what characters or areas of the world they would be writing about before they got their cliffhanger from the previous team. So Jimmy already knew he had giant bat people when he got the Kamandi falling off a cliff ending. Anyway, Jimmy would have solved this cliffhanger pretty much how James solved it: Kamandi gets away in the jet. Personally, I would have used the tank and had Kamandi commit genocide against the jaguar people.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose this could have been a "+1" issue but why should I feel anything but petty after seeing what a bunch of despicable assholes are in charge of our country? Not that I didn't already know it. But watching them laugh and live it up while pissing and shitting on the people they're supposed to represent? Fuck them all. And fuck everybody who watches Fox News and doesn't understand that it's the capitalist equivalent to state controlled media. When corporations own your politicians, the corporate news channel runs the propaganda machine. But all y'all Fox viewers are all in on believing the opposite. "This one channel is the only one that tells the truth! I mean, this channel and all these weird backwater Internet sites that copy and paste bullshit from each other until you've seen the same thing in so many different places, it must be true. Also, how come nobody ever refutes Fox News and these shady sites if they're lying? I mean refutations from sites that I trust! Get that fucking Snopes bullshit out of here, idiot!"

Kamandi Challenge #3

I can't believe DC would allow a topless girl on the cover of a teen comic!

Some of you might have been confused by that caption but that's because you don't know that Kamandi is female. A lot of people might try to convince you otherwise but have they read the old Kamandi comic books? Probably not. They probably rely on Wikipedia for their inaccurate information.

On the plus side (not that having a naked woman on the cover is a negative side! But I'm trying to be more positive and saying things like "on the plus side" makes it seem like I'm optimistic), it looks like Kamandi will soon be in a lesbian relationship. Although is it really lesbianism if Kamandi's girlfriend is a sentient plant?

The cover says, "Can you solve it before they do?" I guess there's supposed to be a mystery of some kind being solved here? Maybe the question just refers to solving the cliffhanger at the end of each issue. On one hand, I can't solve it before they do because the solution has already been written before I even read it. On two hand, I'm pretty sure I can solve it before I read the issue which publishes the solution. It's just that my solution will never be the same as the published solution. That's because my solution often involves Kamandi sucking a humanoid scientist dog's dick. I'm quite certain that's a Teen Plus solution.

At the end of the last issue, Kamandi had thrown herself over a cliff to escape some Manhunters. That's the cliffhanger. It's practically a literal one! The solution to this one is so simple even Scott Lobdell could come up with it. Obviously as Kamandi falls, she grasps at a branch. But the branch breaks off in her grip and she stares at it in shocked surprise as she resigns herself to a swift death. But on the branch is a familiar ring with an L on it! Kamandi quickly slips it on her finger so that it will look like she was stylish and wealthy to whoever finds her body. She's as surprised as the reader is not that she can suddenly fly! And that's the perfect solution to the cliffhanger!

This issue is written by Jimmy Palmiotti and drawn by Amanda Conner. So it'll look good and probably have a bunch of sexual innuendo in it. The really clever kind like naming a cock Mike and having Harley stuff things in her beaver's hole.

Jimmy and Amanda opt to use the old "saved by humanoid bat people wearing helmets while being ordered around by Captain Turtle" shtick. Figures!

Kamandi must have a green vagina. That's a sexy gardening joke!

Kamandi finds herself in a community full of sentient humanoid animals. They grow plants to fuck and enslave bat people. They're also all constantly spied upon by sentient mosquitoes. Captain Turtle believes that Kamandi is a messenger from their gods. Basically she's the Jesus to her parents' God. I think the mystery I'm supposed to be solving has to do with Kamandi's parents. Who are they? What are they up to? Why did they not use birth control?

Kamandi discovers that she's supposed to eat Vila, her fuck plant. One of those things is disgusting. I'm not sure which.

Captain Turtle's ship becomes too limited for the story so the bat people attack and sink it. But Kamandi and Vila escape with the help of the two bat people enslaved by Captain Turtle and his animal crew. They fly to Sun Cult Island where the Jaguar people will be able to threaten their lives next. I hope they're not as dumb as the tiger people who thought a nuclear weapon was GREEEEAAAAAT!

The jaguar people capture Kamandi and her friends. They eat the bat people but tie up Kamandi and Vila to some stakes where they're to be sacrificed to the Jaguar God. He's about the size of King Kong and wears necklaces made from military planes, tanks, and missiles. How is anybody going to think up a way out of this one?! Impossible!

Oh, the next writer is James Tynion IV. He writes a lot of cliché comic book tropes so I totally know how he'll solve this next month. He'll allow Kamandi and Vila to be swallowed whole. Then Vila and Kamandi will have sex inside the Jaguar God's stomach. When Vila orgasms, she'll bloom and release so many spores that the Jaguar God's stomach will burst and Kamandi and Vila will be free! Easy peasy.

At the end of the book is an essay by Neal Adams describing how he would have written Kamandi's escape from falling off the cliff. Except he doesn't explain how he would have gotten out of it. He just talks about drawing stuff and Jack Kirby and Comic Con. I'm not sure Neal Adams truly understands assignments he's given at this point. He just rambles and digresses and loses his train of thought and DC Comics throws money at him. Remember that Superman mini-series he did, The Coming of the Supermen? That was a fucking train wreck. This essay he wrote is only slightly better. Neither of them have a point.

The Ranking!
No change! I think this series will just be writers sending Kamandi from one Jack Kirby apocalyptic world location to the next and then having some creatures attack her at the end. Then the next writer has to come up with a fairly boring and innocuous way of getting Kamandi out of trouble before sending her on to the next wacky location. I'm not sure the editors worked hard enough getting the writers to add bits of the lost parents plot to their stories. At least I think the Mystery of the Missing Parents is the main mystery of the book. Who can tell? Maybe the main mystery of the book is the main mystery of the book?

Kamandi Challenge #2

I solved the mystery! Kamandi is actually David Lee Roth!

• The cliffhanger at the end of the last issue involved the stupid Tiger-Men deciding to set off a nuclear missile so they could absorb all of its power. Why would a race of tigers need a radioactive source to become more powerful? They're tigers! Just suck on each other's dicks and you'll be more powerful than they could ever imagine. And their boners will be so hard! It's like a positive feedback loop!

• Okay, so I guess I need to take a crack at solving the cliffhanger first. Kamandi has five minutes to disarm the nuclear bomb or everybody is going to die. He doesn't have the knowledge to disarm a bomb so he'll have to use all the tools at hand. One of those tools is Doctor Canus's erect dick slathered in peanut butter. Kamandi will probably suck him off and catch the load in his mouth. Then he'll run over to the timer on the missile and snowball the fuck out of it. Doctor Canus's semen, still sticky from the peanut butter and highly acidic from all the pineapple pizzas he eats, will adhere to the mechanism and short it out. Everybody will be safe! But Caesar will be upset that Kamandi ruined the ritual, so he'll probably throw him back in the arena. Or maybe he'll say to his son Tuftan, "Haven't you always wanted a pet that sucks dick? Take him!"

How does Doctor Canus get any sciencing done when he's constantly trying to buttfuck everything that moves?

• My second theory about how Kamandi solves the cliffhanger was that he'd simply run away and let the tigers die in the blast. But then I thought, "How far can he really run away? He'd be dead too! I know this is a comic book but that's so illogical!" By the third page of this issue, it seems Tomasi has opted for the Kamandi runs for his life solution. It seems a little bit like a cheat but at least it wipes out a lot of characters that don't matter. Just have Doctor Canus and Tuftan survive and call it good. Even Caesar doesn't have to live!

• Tuftan catches Kamandi before he can get away and drags him back to the missile. All of the idiot tigers stand around anticipating the moment the bomb blows so they can all scream "It's greeeeeeeaaaaaat!" together in a fiery, apocalyptic ending.

"I'll never even get to kiss a girl who isn't a robot or my grandmother!"

• It looks like Peter J. Tomasi is choosing the easiest way out of this cliffhanger: the bomb's a dud! I feel so cheated! Hopefully Dan Abnett, in his brief at the end where he explains how he would have solved the cliffhanger, uses the dog semen trick.

• Instead of blowing up, a sentient ape double fisting pistols pops out of the top of the missile. It was a Trojan Missile! And those stupid tigers fell for it! Although the ape is even dumber since his plan relied on the tigers setting off the bomb to free him so he could kill them. He could have just let them have a real bomb, I suppose.

• More apes descend on the city so Kamandi uses the chaos to steal his shit back from Doctor Peanut Butter Dick. He then rushes off to the Museum of War to find a weapon. Or to be killed by Jackdaws.

• I still don't know what the mystery is that I'm supposed to be solving before they do!

• The Jackdaws pick up some of the ancient artifacts housed in the museum to help fight the apes. The relics are all weapons of DC superheroes! I wonder if Cheeks the Toy Wonder is in the museum somewhere.

• Crashing down through the floor and into the Basement of Forbidden Jack Kirby Objects, Kamandi discovers Metron's Chair underneath an old tarp. I guess the cliffhanger will be how quickly Kamandi's head explodes after sitting in the chair.

• Doctor Canus and Prince Fuzzy-pants show up just in time to see Kamandi hop in Metron's Chair. They chase after him to try to stop him before the chair disappears. And even though Kamandi has been trying to get away from these guys, he decides to reach out, grab them, and pull them along for the ride. The chair takes off and I start singing, "All my life I've wanted to fly like the birds that you see way up in the sky! Making circles in the morning sun flying high in the sky til the day is done! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! Like a child in his fantasy punching holes in the walls of reality! All my life I've wanted to fly but I don't have the wings and I wonder why. I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY!"

Bogus!

• I hope Tomasi doesn't think the previous page will be used by the other writers! What writer is going to think, "Oh shit! Tomasi stuck that phrase into that Metron Chair bit that read 'If the Red Riders catch us, we're doomed!' I've got to incorporate that into my story! And remember he had all those comic books appear. What was that about?!" More likely, everybody will go, "Yeah, yeah. Fuck you Tomasi. I'm writing my own shit over here! Stop trying to be cute."

• Kamandi, Doctor Peanut Butter Dick, and Prince Fuzzy-Pants wind up in San Diego. That's where the big Comic Con happens! I bet they run into cosplayers in the Wild Human Reserve.

• Apparently the guards of the Wild Human Reserve are Manhunters. Even though they're called Manhunters, they shoot the dog and the tiger immediately. Then they say their trademark saying, "No man escapes the Manhunters," which alerts Kamandi to the danger he's in (just in case he thought the Manhunters were only interested in not allowing tigers and dogs to escape). So to get away, Kamandi throws himself over a cliff and presumably dies. Unless the next writers, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner, can think up a way to keep Kamandi from dying! I just don't see how they can. He's as good as dead!

• Finally, each issue includes an essay by the previous writer explaining how they would have solved their cliffhanger. This essay is by Dan Abnett and he describes how he would have had Kamandi survive the nuke. Hopefully he just says, "I was going to kill him. Let's see the next writer get out of that!"

• Dan Abnett's solution would have been to have Kamandi flee while the nuke obliterates Tiger City. I pointed out that was an option but the laziest one of all! At least for coming up with a clever solution. I would have also allowed the bomb to blow because it's a post-apocalyptic world where bad shit happens. But Abnett also solved DiDio's cliffhanger with a lazy solution, so I think Abnett just likes to take the easy way out when writing. That's probably why I'm not reading his Titans book anymore.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm grading this on a curve and Tomasi's solution was less creative than my sticky dog semen solution.

Kamandi Challenge #1

If this is as big a trainwreck as DC Challenge, I'll definitely solve it before DC does! I still don't think they solved that one.

I solved the DC Challenge before they did but it didn't matter because the story was a fucking joke. Batman is the World's Greatest Detective but only when the writer writing him has control of the entire story. Otherwise Batman gets the easiest clue in the world (finding the name ELI ELLIS by turning over a calculator after doing a sum) and he promptly forgets all about it for eleven issues. Then in the final issue when everybody had to get together to make sense of the eleven different stories that basically ignored almost everything that came before, Mark Evanier, writer of the first issue, was probably all, "You are all idiots!" Then somebody probably called him an idiot because he thought Benjamin Franklin was a president and on the fifty dollar bill. Maybe. I have a vague recollection that The Riddler fucked up that clue. It's been over twenty years, you know.

The DC Challenge was supposed to end each issue on a cliffhanger which the next writer was supposed to get out of. If I remember correctly though, these cliffhangers were either generally ignored and left for somebody else while the writer began a completely different plot thread concentrating on new characters. I imagine this series will be a lot like that. This one will start with Kamandi and his adventures. Then there will be a cliffhanger ending where Kamandi is about to die and the next issue will ignore it while focusing on the Atomic Knights. Then the next issue will focus on Ben Boxer while ignoring how the Atomic Knights were about to go critical and destroy the world. They'll be going critical for ten issues before somebody resolves that situation.

What I'm trying to say is that this thing is going to be a huge fucking mess.

I'm surprised Keith Giffen is doing the art. Unless this is Koblish trying to look like Kirby but instead looking like Giffen!

Kamandi, the not quite last boy on Earth, races off across town to try to catch the school bus at its last stop. It seems like if he can catch the school bus by cutting through town, he can probably just race straight to school. Not that I know the layout of his town! This is a mystery, by gorsh! Knowing the topographical features of the local locale could give away the mystery!

Kamandi is stopped by a cop who takes the law a little too seriously. He says, "I don't care if you're the last boy on Earth, no one crosses against the red." Dude. If he's the last boy on Earth then there's no danger crossing against the red! Unless the last girl on Earth is driving like a fucking maniac and coming from the other direction. Okay fine. I guess the cop has a point. Plus there are all those sentient animals who drive in the future. But maybe in their society, they cross on the red and stop on the green? Take that, Mr. Fascist Cop!

Some creatures crash through the sky as if it were just the top of a dome painted like the sky. Kamandi's fellow citizens pull out weapons to begin fighting them and urge Kamandi to rush home. I guess this is Command "D" and Kamandi lives in a simulated environment with his grandmother. Did I just solve the mystery? No? Oh, yeah, that's right. I just comprehended what I was reading. Never mind. I'll get that mystery yet though!

The Kangarat Murder Society has broken into Command "D" because there's a bounty on Kamandi's head. The villagers protect him because they're just robots built to protect the last boy on Earth. Kamandi rushes home thinking, "So when I fucked Sarah Lou Ellen behind the bleachers, I actually had my dick in a...a...machine?!"

Is that the mystery? The Case of Kamandi's Missing Parents?

After being shoved through The Void, Kamandi learns he's in a terrible spin-off of Heroes when he hears a voice say, "Find your parents. Save the world." Also, Heroes itself was fucking terrible. I will admit there were some interesting things about it but it was lazy in that the characters in every series were motivated by either a vision of the future or a prophecy. When a writer uses those devices to get the action moving, it means they're terrible writers.

Kamandi comes out of the other side of The Void with long hair and three months worth of piss and shit staining his torn up jeans. He winds up in the clutches of the Tiger-men! That means he's about to meet that pervert, Doctor Canus! Did I just solve the mystery? The pervert is Doctor Canus?

But before he can meet Doctor Canus, Kamandi must survive in the arena against Tiny. And you know with a name like "Tiny," he's got to be big. Even in the future, they stick to nickname clichés.

Based on what Kamandi knows, this statement makes no sense. Even if he's riffing on what the cop told him earlier, Kamandi has no idea that he's currently the last boy on Earth so if he dies, he'll, um, still be the last boy on Earth but with a slightly altered meaning.

And that's the end of part one! That's a pretty simple cliffhanger to solve! Kamandi just needs to beat Tiny. I bet he's swallowed whole by Tiny and then he kicks his way out of Tiny's stomach from the inside! No wait. That's preposterous. Maybe he'll do that thing that Luke did to the Rancor but instead of using a large thigh bone, he'll use the last boner on Earth. Or maybe Doctor Canus will stop the match because he likes the smell of Kamandi's asshole. However it's solved, I'll find out immediately because Dan Abnett takes over for Dan DiDio right here in the middle of the issue!

Oh yeah. Dan DiDio wrote the first story because of course he did. He seems to have called Dibs! on all of Jack Kirby's characters since The New 52 began (and maybe even earlier!).

Part Two is called "K is for 'Kill'!" K is also for Kamandi! And kissing! And kleptocracy! Oh! And klue! A klue to the mystery! Which is still a complete mystery!

Prince Tuftan watches bored as he waits for Kamandi to be torn to bits. I guess this is entertainment for tigers. It's probably like watching America's Test Kitchen on PBS. It's definitely making me hungry.

As Kamandi tries to escape Tiny (who is much bigger when drawn by Eaglesham than when drawn by Giffen!), he discovers the walls of the arena are electrified. Boo! Hiss! That's a cheating shortcut! Electricity is always the way the hero takes out the unstoppable foe! This Cliffhanger Solution rates a 3 out of 10! Did I boo yet? BOO!

Tiny is knocked unconscious from the electrified walls. That's got to be a lot of electricity running along those walls to drop a beast like that! I guess the Tiger-men's post-apocalyptic world isn't so bad if it has such generous power reserves.

Prince Fuzzypants is impressed by Kamandi's resourcefulness even though that resourcefulness has been used over and over again in all kinds of books and movies and television shows. How lucky that there's always some kind of electrical danger nearby when the hero is about to be torn to pieces.

Kamandi is brought to Doctor Canus to be trained. Doctor Canus begins slathering peanut butter all over his cock.

You'd be shocked too if your dog began talking to you while you were crouched in front of it with your crotch covered in Jif.

Doctor Canus takes Kamandi on a walk and shows him Tiger City. Upon seeing the Brother Eye symbol outside the Hall of War, Kamandi tries to investigate it. But it will have to wait until Kamandi becomes best friends with Prince Fuzzypants. For now, he's just a lowly animal being trained to fight in the arena. I hope the second cliffhanger isn't another bout in the arena! Maybe all the cliffhangers will be bigger and bigger opponents in the arena.

Great Caesar returns with a load of leopard slaves and a nuclear missile. Kamandi slips his leash and loses Canus in the celebrating crowd. He heads straight to the Hall of War where he was just told he couldn't go. Somebody is going to be called a bad human and thumped on his tender nose.

Guarding the Hall of War are a bunch of Jackdaws. They're sentient humanoid crows and probably the next cliffhanger. Oh, no. There are still too many pages left. I guess this diversion was just so Kamandi could learn that the tigers of Tiger City are stockpiling ancient weapons. That might be a clue for later! It's hard to tell though because I still don't know what the mystery is. But I think I do know what the next cliffhanger will be!

Silly tigers! Nukes are for...uh, I mean, they're greeeeeeeeat!

The stupid tigers set the bomb to detonate in five minutes. What a cliffhanger! Kamandi only has five minutes to convince Doctor Canus that the tigers will die if he doesn't disarm the bomb! And he'll only have thirty seconds to do that since he'll spend most of the time licking off that peanut butter!

What Did I Learn?
Well, I haven't learned what the mystery is yet, that's for sure! Is the mystery how the world was destroyed? Or why Kamandi needs to find his parents? Or why he needs to remember Command "D" (other than so everybody thinks that's his name)? Or why the world needs saving? Or why the tigers are so stupid and careless? Maybe the mystery is how a dog became a scientist!

The Ranking!
Well shit. It's not too bad because I love stupid gimmick comic books like this!

Kamandi Challenge Special #1, Part Three

I'm falling further and further behind on my comic reading because of this Kirby shit.

I know, I know. Jack Kirby was a god among nerds. But if he was so great, how come he's dead now?

The third Kamandi story is from Issue #60. Remember that issue? It's the one that contained a "mind-blasting new origin of OMAC by Jim Starlin!" Who decided that everything Jim Starlin wrote would be described as somehow melting or destroying a person's brain? Was his writing really that trippy? If so, I should drop this blog and start up a Jim Starlin only blog. I bet it would be like reliving my LSD days. I say that as if my LSD days are over. I sure hope they aren't!

This issue is in black and white. Was it this way originally or does DC think I'm going to adult color it?

This issue isn't by Jack Kirby at all, so why am I wasting my time? The credits say it's by Jack C. Harris, Dick Ayers, and Danny Bulandi. The colorist's name has been removed just like the color. I'm sensing there was a lawsuit somewhere along the way!

This issue begins with Kamandi falling into The Vortex. I think that's the name of a vortex.

This is not a vortex.

Jim Starlin's OMAC story must have been really fucking weird for it to get the label "mind-blastingly" over the Kamandi story. Kamandi enters the Vortex which carries her away to a parallel universe. But that's not the weird part. By the 70s, that was cliché by DC's standards. The weird part is when Doctor Canus and his friend Sherlock Dog (who has a sidekick named Doile) try to help their parallel universe friend Pyra not die from a lack of energy. To do that, they need the help of the mutants who managed to open the huge doors in the Wondrous Western Wall which led to the vortex. But the dog-men can't get close without their radiation suits which were destroyed by the energy of the vortex. And because of all that, Pyra's ship turns into a bug.

I should have stuck to my original idea five years ago: critiquing Penthouse Forum letters.

My mind is pretty well blasted already so I hope this Special doesn't include Starlin's OMAC origin. I don't know why it would unless the Kamandi Challenge is going to feature a heaping helping of the One Man Army Corps.

On her journey through the infinite reaches of all space and time, Kamandi learns that he gets to be the focal point on which all futures rely.

Yeah but if there are infinite realities where all choices are possible, doesn't she actually choose all of them and none of them at the same time? So none of this really matters!

I suppose I'm being too hard-headed and should probably work with the story. I get what the Voice is saying. All these realities exist but sometimes some special person or event can change them in ways outside of the usual "all choices exist as parallel" worlds paradigm. And Kamandi is that special person!

Sometimes I like to argue with and correct myself before I have to hear from a blowhard Internet Actually Nerd. Mostly because their responses are never funny. They really should work on their material. It might not be so bad to be Actually'd if I could have a laugh at the same time.

Kamandi's friends are about to be murdered by the Kangarat Murder Society while Kamandi runs off to a brand new Earth that never experienced a natural disaster linked with radiation. The last hope her friends have is that Kamandi will turn away from this last temptation, turn away from the voice of the vortex devil, and return to sacrifice herself for her friends. I mean, she won't really sacrifice herself. But she is giving up a world where she can probably wear something nicer than the crusty Daisy Dukes she's been wearing for years and where her hair won't be full of lice and where they probably still have toilet paper.

On Kamandi's way back home, he's grabbed by Brute and Glob who decide to take him to The Sandman. Oh. That's probably why this issue is being featured! So that people reading it can go, "Oh shit! That's where Brute and Glob came from?! A Sandman comic before The Sandman! It's so nice that new kids are being born all the time so that comic book companies can use the same characters over and over again so that they seem new but then older fans who never grew out of comics can be jazzed about seeing old characters done in a modern way! Or something!"

The Sandman decides that Kamandi needs to learn that whatever she's seen in the vortex is as real as whatever she sees in dreams. So not real at all? Anyway, it seems like an unneeded delay for Kamandi. She's just being hassled by some guy who feels the need to prove that his job is way more important than it actually is. Don't get me wrong, I love dreaming! But if the person behind my dreams was all, "Stop thinking of them as entertaining! They're fucking super important, asshole!", I'd just think he was a twat with low self-esteem. You can't force people to appreciate things the way you think they should be appreciated. I suppose this whole control freak side of The Sandman is reflected in Neil Gaiman's take on his Sandman.

To teach Kamandi the lesson that needs to be taught for some reason, The Sandman decides to show him a movie about the some war on Santa Claus. He wants Kamandi to "watch and learn what an alternate Kamandi named Jed once learned long, long ago." I hate learning things that other people learned. How is their learning relevant to my life? Boring!

Anyway, Christmas is saved and Jed manages to make it back home where she saves her friends and everybody lives happily ever after.

What Did I Learn?
The Glob and Brute story in The Sandman makes a lot more sense to me now! I mean, it made sense before in the context of The Sandman that a few nightmares had escaped and created their own mini-Dreaming while manipulating humans into thinking they were the real Sandman. Of course it makes this story a little bit darker than it should be knowing that this Sandman will eventually kill himself due to Glob and Brute's machinations! Oh, I also learned that Kamandi's grandfather was OMAC and that Kamandi's world is OMAC's nightmare of what the world will become if he fails to do his duty. I also learned that I can only take about three Kamandi stories before I get tired of writing about Kamandi stories and just sum up the last story in one sentence.

Kamandi Challenge Special #1, Part Two

I have to read this in bits and pieces so I feel like I'm accomplishing more than I truly am.

I ended the first part by celebrating how I won't have to read "The Birth Bag!", Issue #2 of Jack Kirby's Kamandi. It was only later as I was coming down off the elation of having achieved the barest minimum of goals for the day (that goal being reading part of a comic book) that I realized the whole scam of this Kamandi Challenge Special: they're just reprinting a bunch of Kamandi issues! I don't mean for that to sound like I don't want to read these old comic books. I totally love them! I just don't want to read a comic book called "The Birth Bag!" Hopefully they'll just reprint issues that introduce characters that will be part of the Kamandi Challenge. I also hope Jack Kirby's estate is making money from this. I'm sure they aren't, DC Comics being one of the tycoons of the industry making money off the pudgy backs of comic book artists and writers, especially the ones before the Image Era.

My definition of The Image Era was a time when writers and artists (but especially artists and especially especially artists who can't write) decided they should get more money from the company profiting off of their ideas. I totally agreed with them and still agree with them! But I never really bought any Image books in the nineties because most of the art was the kind of art which garnered only compliments of how "kinetic" it was (I said most! Get off my wide-brushed paint brush!) and the writing was terrible. But it caused a surge in speculation which caused DC and Marvel to think, "Hey! People really love these comic books with terrible writing and 'kinetic' art! Let's copy what Image is doing! I mean, not everything! All ideas are still owned by us!" I think eventually The Image Era helped improve compensation for writers and artists. But I could also be wrong because I don't do research. That's for losers who think they're going to live forever. I'm not wasting my time on looking up facts to back-up my opinions!

I will say this about The Image Era though: it would pave the way for The Second Great Image Era which is happening now (this era is also called The Era of DC and Marvel's Loss is Image's Gain). Writers and artists save the work they're most interested in doing (which usually makes it their best work because they're putting all of their effort into it) for Image or, if they're a bit more ambitious, self-publishing. I don't many truly great innovative characters or story arcs coming out of The Big Two due to many economic factors. Although we'll always see some, probably from newer writers who need to work up to an Image deal, like Tom King's Omega Men and Tom King's The Vision and Tom King's The Sheriff of Babylon. Also probably some writers and artists other than Tom King.

I begin Part Two by looking at the map of Kamandi's future world. Based on what animals are ruling what countries, I think Jack Kirby took the same view of research as I do. The tigers rule the East Coast of the United States because why not? Then the lions rule the West Coast which makes more sense except I'm sure they're African lions and not American mountain lions. Middle America and the American Non-Coastal Southwest are ruled by gorillas which might be social commentary. Mexico is the Wild Human Preserve which seems about right since I'm sure the Lions, Gorillas, and Tigers don't want humans coming up and stealing their jobs and bananas.

Canada is the Dominion of the Devils which seems so far from reality that I'm beginning to believe this future truly is a crazy, upside-down world of danger. Alaska is now known as Strange Fire Area, probably because global warming has set fire all of the snow. One bit in the North that hasn't changed?

Intelligent Killer Whales off the Pacific Northwest Coast.

Australia also hasn't changed being that it's home to the "Kanga Rat Murder Society." The Pacific Island Nations have become the Orangutan Surfing Civilization. I hope there's an issue with Kamandi visiting those guys.

Other inhabitants and places of note: Snow Wizards in the Fjordic countries (those are the Nordic countries full of fjords); Polar Parasites in Moscow; Death Worshipers and Screamers in Africa; Wolves, Baboons, and Gorillas throughout Europe; Bulldogs ruling Britain; Savage bats, jaguar sun cults, and God-watchers in South America; and Ireland.

Kirby must have gotten bored by the time he got to Antarctica because he just calls the people who live there Antarctic Ice Dwellers. I'm going to assume they're sentient penguins.

The second story in the book is simply called "The Last Boy on Earth!" Which I've already noted is totally a lie because Kamandi is obviously the last girl on Earth. Kirby explains, with liberal use of exclamation points (which I'm totally in favor of), that Kamandi is named after the building she and her grandfather, the possible last people on Earth, lived in. Eventually Kamandi's grandfather decided to send her out into the world to reclaim their lost home.

Grandfather: "Kamandi, my grandson..."
Kamandi: "Granddaughter."
Grandfather: "You must go out into the world and find a woman..."
Kamandi: "Man."
Grandfather: "...to take your seed..."
Kamandi: "Ew, gross."
Grandfather: "...so that mankind..."
Kamandi: "Fuck mankind, Gramps."
Grandfather: "...can continue to grow and prosper!"
Kamandi: "You know what? Good idea. I'm out of here, you old freak."

This will the the spin from Kellyanne Conway and Sean Spicer when Trump brings about the apocalypse: "It was a natural disaster! Natural! Couldn't be helped! Stupid scientists didn't even see it coming!"

Kamandi heads up the Hudson River and finds a tribe of people. But they flee when she calls out to them. I guess waving and yelling "Hello there!" translates to "I'm going to fuck you up!" in their language of grunts and hand motions. It took Kamandi a few days to paddle this far in her little life raft so it must be a real pain in her ass when she sees the explosion from the bunker she left days ago and feels forced to go back to check on her grandfather.

"Am I mating? Is this mating? Is something pregnant yet?"

Kamandi returns to find looters have broken into Command 'D'! She must save her grandfather at all costs! Well, maybe at some costs. And maybe she doesn't really need to save his old patriarchal ass either, really.

Kamandi finds some humanoid wolves have killed her grandfather so she kills them. Afterward, she leaves Command 'D' forever. She steals the wolves kinky truck and hits the road for an American adventure!

Kamandi's first encounter is with Great Caesar and his platoon of tiger-men. They're riding horses who are probably thinking, "What the fuck? Why aren't we sentient in the future?! This sucks." Kamandi saves Great Caesar's life by killing a sniper and subsequently becoming Great Caesar's pet. I suppose if a dog pulled out a pistol and shot some guy who was about to shoot me, I'd feel obligated to take him in and feed him. Since Great Caesar is busy with his war, he sends Kamandi off with one of his men to be locked in the Royal City Kennels until Caesar returns from battle.

Kamandi is cleaned up and dressed by a sentient dog which must be humiliating. I suppose it could have been worse and one of the sentient felines could have licked her clean. She's then brought to Great Caesar's victory celebration where she discovers the sentient tigers worship a nuclear missile. Was Jack Kirby ever sued by the creators of The Planet of the Apes?

Kamandi decides the only hope at this totally hopeless point of being freshly washed, fed (with dog vomit but it's still food!), and clothed that the only answer is to kill everybody by blowing up the nuclear missile. I guess she loved her grandfather more than I've been giving her credit for. Kamandi's attempt at blowing the missile with a stolen laser is thwarted by Doctor Canus, probably because the stolen laser looks so much like a stick and Doctor Canus can't help but retrieve it.

Now kiss!

Doctor Canus decides to help Kamandi because he's a scientist and he'd like to do experiments on a talking animal.

This is unnerving. I'm beginning to hope all Doctor Canus wants to do is experiment.

I know I wrote I wanted them to kiss earlier but that was before I really thought that they might!

Inside the room is Ben Boxer. He has the ability to press his chest and emit radiation. It doesn't sound like the safest power which is probably why Canus keeps him in the closet. Doctor Canus calls Ben Boxer "a natural atomic-pile." I really hope Atomic-Pile is his superhero name.

Kamandi hugs Ben Boxer and cries and asks, "Grandfather says we must exchange seeds now." The end!

That's it for Part Two! Here's hoping this comic book doesn't become prophetic this year!