Justice League America #30 (1989)

Where the fuck did The Huntress come from?

When we last left Justice League America, Big Barda had her Big Bang Stick stolen by some punk kid (the huge face on the cover. You know he's punk because of the nose ring and great teeth). Barda, Fire, and Mister Miracle had gone to find it. Somewhere along the way, they picked up The Huntress. Not last issue! That's apparently going to happen this issue. I feel like my aunt when we're watching a new movie and she can't help asking what's going on before anybody watching the same movie as her has any chance to know that. "Just keep reading," I tell my brain as my brain screams, "Why aren't you masturbating and/or petting the cat?!"

The art this issue is by Bill Willingham who is best known for all the drawings he did for Dungeons & Dragons. Unless he's best known for Fables. It's hard to tell when reality is primarily based on your own teenage nerd experiences.

I scanned this page to point out that DeMatteis probably wanted the punk kid to shove the Megarod in a different orifice but then my thought process was derailed by boobies.

Can you imagine how much better society would be today without boobies and the constant derailing of thought processes? Or, to perceive things in a different way, what if our society was a matriarchy and men weren't constantly keeping women down so women couldn't come up with as much as they should have while making up for men with their booby habits. Although without the constant need to get laid but without adequate opportunity, we wouldn't have as many Gothic churches either. On yet another hand, without the constant need to get laid, we also wouldn't have so many modern incel manifestos. I guess those things don't have anything to do with boobies but what can I say? My mind has been derailed! It's going to take a few minutes before I can think logically again.

I was almost ready to start writing again and then I looked at how Fire's arm is resting between Barda's breasts and my brain went back on booby break. Also Mister Miracle is touching Barda's boob. Also that punk has a really solid grip on the Megarod.

This issue is called "Teenage Biker Mega-Death" so I guess that guy is a teenager.

Pretty much my brain/penis interaction right now.

Don't look too closely at the Megarod in that last scan or you might be offended, especially if you don't like looking at dicks.

When I was younger, I'm sure I read this and cackled about how naive DeMatties and Giffen were. Now I realize they were probably cackling about how naïve their editors were for letting this through.

The punk kid teleports to New York to finish some gangland turf war with his new weapon. That's where The Huntress comes in! Because she's currently prowling the city with her crossbow when she sees a Megarod blast off in the distance. And since the panels where she first confronts the kid have both a man rubbing his penis and a bare lady buttcheek, guess what I'm scanning now!

I mean, um, were the editors asleep? Did "Make Sure Nothing Comes Off as Sexual Editors" not exist in 1989?!

I know those kinds of editors existed around that time because didn't Simon Bisley get blacklisted by DC Comics for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm in a Lobo's Back cover? Maybe they just got lucky when they saw that one. You know what I mean by lucky. I wish I had seen it. I mean, I own the comic. But I promised my mom I wouldn't look at the cover.

Mister Miracle, Fire, and Big Barda show up to keep Huntress from getting killed. She needs the help! The Huntress is just a Batman-wannabe with a crossbow and no line she won't cross. I guess she could get lucky and put a bolt through the kid's neck but I'm betting the Megarod would keep him safe from such a childish toy. Unless it's because it's such a childish toy that it's the only thing that will hurt him!

Twelve cops dead because Barda didn't keep her Megarod safe? Don't worry. Nobody will even broach the subject that these lives are on Barda's head.

You need the mind of a libertarian to fully enjoy superhero comic books. Just remember that when somebody dies, the blame always falls on the bad guy who may or may not have instigated the situation. It doesn't matter if the people died because a hero left their weapon unguarded. Or The Joker was personally attacking Batman. Or a family member of the Teen Titans was trying to kill one of them at their base which they decided should be right in the center of a populated urban area. Also remember that anybody who doesn't wind up dead was saved by the superhero, even if Lex Luthor murdered a dozen people simply to lure Superman into a trap. It's never, ever the hero's fault! Kind of like when a cop runs over five children while chasing somebody for a minor traffic violation. All the blame goes on the person who committed the violation! That's libertarian logic!

Try to remember that a libertarian is just an authoritarian who wants to be thought of as open-minded and logical.

The punk puts down Mister Miracle and Big Barda and then kills another dozen or so cops. He's also killed all his friends and fellow gang members. But it's not his fault! He's possessed by the rod! This is like the end of Cujo where, after a hundred or more pages he taught you to fear and hate this monster dog, Stephen King changes his tune and is all, "Don't blame the widdle doggy, you judgmental jerk! He was just trying to be a good boy! He only wanted to please his people! But rabies made him do bad things. Blame the rabies and not the poor widdle puppy dawg!" Which is why Mister Miracle doesn't want Barda to kill the punk even though Barda probably should have killed the punk. Because she didn't kill him, a dozen more cops are now dead. And from the looks of it, the punk is going to waste away from using the Megarod. But at least that will mean Barda and Scott and Fire have clean hands! Although if The Huntress kills him, that'll be okay because remember how I said there are no lines she won't cross? I was talking about murder when I said that and not butt stuff.

"Your weapon is such a joke, The Huntress, that you've saved the day! Just like Green Arrow! Or Aquaman!"

The Huntress shoots the punk in the wrist so that he drops the Megarod which hits the ground, goes off, and blows his head off. Mister Miracle is all, "No! I wanted to save him! Even though, just a few panels ago, I said, 'He's already dead. He just doesn't know it yet!'" So see? All those extra cops died because Mister Miracle didn't want any of them to "cross a line." I guess the Trolley Problem doesn't exist in the DC Universe.

Mister Miracle accepts that the punk's death is an accident but The Huntress is all, "Ha ha. Yeah. Accident! Right." Not having a penis, her lie is not uncovered due to her raging murder boner.

Later, nobody mentions how this entire thing is Barda's fault for leaving a dangerous weapon of Apokolips lying around where any old car thief could get their hands on it. Max is only interested in recruiting The Huntress for the team even though she's a loner and definitely wouldn't want to be somewhere where The Batman could find her. But Max Lord has powers like that guy in Firestarter and he psychically convinces her to join. So I guess she's the new Black Canary!

Oh yeah, I'm definitely done reading the letters! I thought it might be interesting to list the names of all the people who keep writing in but, like every other thing in my life, I grew bored of it. I barely even want to grade these comics! But that feels kind of necessary since these "reviews" are barely even reviews. At least the grades make them seem like they could be!

Justice League America #30 Rating: D. Getting a below-average grade doesn't mean the comic book wasn't enjoyable or boring. I actually kind of liked the character interactions this issue. But I can't give the Justice League of America a good grade when two dozen cops and several teenagers were killed because Big Barda couldn't be bothered to lock up her Megarod. And then Max Lord mentally rapes The Huntress, forcing her to join the League. A super hero team should actually act like super heroes before I give them a passing grade!

Justice League International Annual #2 (1988)

The line Batman won't cross is about to get some more people killed.

That was just a joke! I'm not one of those pseudo-alpha comic book reading cucks who believe Batman would be a better character if he killed people! Although I am one of those knows-I'm-beta-and-not-upset-by-it-at-all alphas who believe Superman should never throw a punch. Why should he?! He's fucking Superman! Didn't his parents teach him to never punch a human because he will not just kill that human but pulverize them into unrecognizability?! Shouldn't that have been a scene in the Chris Reeves' movie? "Son, just remember that if you punch the school bully, your fist will go straight through his face and Ma will be washing brains out of your overalls for the next three weeks. Just let the bully punch you until he's tired and all his fingers are broken and maybe give set the seeds for Leukemia in twenty years by overdosing him with your X-ray vision. What I'm saying, son, is maybe be a bit more subtle?"

I understand why Batman punches bullies nearly to death. Because his father never had a chance to deliver that lesson. He was just all, "Hey, son! This bit where this guy is robbing us at gunpoint reminds me of a lesson I've yet to teach you about systemic bias and generational poverty and violence born out of desperate need. I'll teach you when we get home!" And then Batman spent eight years sitting in an armchair trying to figure out what that lesson might have been when a bat smashed through the window, scared the shit out of him, and he came up with his own lesson: "Criminals are a superstitious lot!" I don't know how he got that message out of the bat. Maybe it was carrying a religious pamphlet.

What I'm trying to say is that The Joker is still alive because too many people believe in the power of redemption. Why else would they just lock him away? If he can't be redeemed and he constantly breaks free from Arkham and his body count is in the six, maybe seven, digits, wouldn't any rational person believe euthanasia was in order? I'm anti-death penalty but, I mean, come on! If Jesus and his disciples had stumbled upon a bunch of Gothamites stoning the fuck out of The Joker, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been all, "Hey, you've all been given second and third chances and, hopefully, come out better people, redeemed and more Godly. Maybe stop trying to kill this person and let them have a chance at redemption too?" He probably would have just looked the other way and been all, "No white-faced asshole in a purple suit being murdered by the general populace to see here, guys. Let's go see if I can raise the dead!"

Our Annual begins, as not all annuals do, with Colonel Rumaan (unless it's Rumann? I'm too lazy to turn the page back over) Harjarvti (unless that's also spelled differently. Remember: lazy) is rummaging through what I suspect is Maxwell Lord's exploded office (How? Why? I don't know if I should remember. I really don't where in time this Annual takes place) as The Joker walks in on him.

Oof. In my head, I can hear Michael Kors tearing The Joker a new asshole for this get-up. He'd definitely mention the moose-knuckle.

Luckily all the pseudo-alpha cucks stopped reading this review when I called them pseudo-alpha cucks or else they'd be thinking, "Who the fuck is Michael Kors?!" Okay, so maybe even some of you regular cucks are also thinking that. It can't be helped! Sometimes writers know about things the readers don't (and, quite often, they just pretend to!). Do you think I understood everything I read in Gravity's Rainbow? Oh, you do? Well thank you! That's very flattering!

Rumaan asks The Joker how he knows Bialyan (the language they're speaking! It's entirely made up. Um, like most languages? I meant this language doesn't actually exist) and The Joker replies that it was from night classes in Arkham. His name is The Joker so you can probably assume he's joking and that they don't actually have night classes at the most hardcore insane asylum in the DC Universe. Although now that I say that, I've developed a nagging image of Killer Croc doing pottery. Is that something I once read or am I having a stroke? Is that a symptom of a stroke? Imagining comic book panels? Judging by all of my knowledge of medicine gained by watching House, I have to believe it is.

Rumaan was after Lord's rolodex to discover the people he is close to so that he might learn more about the Justice League. The Joker wants the rolodex to maybe learn Batman's secret identity.

What makes The Joker think he can kill Batman when Batman isn't being Batman?! He's still Batman! He's still going to kick The Joker's ass!

As we have now learned, The Joker is not smart at all. First off, he thinks by catching Batman out of uniform, he'll be able to kill him. I mean, I sort of get this because The Joker must think all of Batman's tricks are in his utility belt and what good will he be in a fight without it? And it's not like Batman would be wearing it secretly under his casual attire, right?! Second off, The Joker doesn't believe in God? In the DC Universe where Gods interfere all the time?! He really is crazy!

Meanwhile, the Justice League is having a barbecue at Scott Free and Barda's place. I think it might just be an excuse to look at Barda's ass.

What is it about Ben-Day dots that make me so horny? Probably because they (and the dark hair (and the ass)) remind me of Veronica from Archie Comics.

Fire and Ice (currently still Green Flame and Ice Maiden) skip the barbecue to audition to be models. On the way out of the JLI door, Fire kisses Oberon on the head and he comes in his pants and passes out.

Bill Willingham doesn't depict the stain on his pants but everything else he depicts point to there being one.

As you can see from the image above, I'm only on page 5. I should probably stop getting distracted by all the moose-knuckle, ass, and orgasms.

Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are checking out the JLI embassy in Paris. I don't Justice League Europe officially begins for another six months or so which means this might be the first mention of it? Again, who knows since I haven't done any research to figure out exactly when the first annual came out. I'm probably reading it a bit late, actually.

Apparently Booster and Beetle have gone broke. I don't think I ever read the standalone Blue Beetle comic book so I don't know what happened with him and his abundance of riches. And while I did read some of Booster Gold's comic book (re-read it fairly recently, even!), I don't remember much of it. But Booster Gold is kind of a dimwit so he probably lost it in a bad investment which he talked Blue Beetle into joining with him. But since they're low on cash, they take up a new job repossessing vehicles from people who have gotten behind in their loan payments. That sounds like a perfect opportunity for Giffen and DeMatteis to drop Repo Man quotes!

There's a scene to remind the reader that Martian Manhunter and Rocket Red are in the League. And then it's back to the best barbecue ever!

Oh yeah! Just look at those thick Ben-Day dots!

Don't get too excited. That "FWOOOP" sound effect wasn't Barda farting. It was Guy Gardner blowing his face off helping Mister Miracle build the grill. The Green Lantern Ring's passive protection ability keeps him from dying while it rebuilds the skin on his head.

I just glanced at the cover again in a moment of total boredom and realized I didn't discuss the whole "Private Lines" thing! Maybe because I don't know much about it. But I think it was DC dipping their toe in the idea of themed Annual events. This one doesn't have all the Annuals tie in with any of the other Annuals but I think more than just Justice League International had a "Private Lives" Annual. Like maybe there was one about Bruce Wayne getting laid on a nightly basis while Alfred lays out condoms for him at breakfast. Or maybe one of Clark Kent trying to perfect his trip and fall move so that nobody would suspect he could be Superman even though he looks exactly like him and is way more muscular than anybody would rightly expect of a huge nerd. This one just shows Fire and Ice trying to model, Booster and Beetle trying to make a little money by moonlighting shit jobs, Guy and Scott doing something around Barda's sweet ass, and J'onn and Dmitri going on a shopping trip in Little Odessa. Obviously none of that is exciting enough for a comic (other than Barda's ass) so while they're all doing these things, The Joker is trying to kill them. Unless it's not The Joker. I mean, he's not really acting like The Joker. He hasn't killed a single henchman in twenty pages! He seems like he might be Batman in disguise trying to pretend he's crazy so that he can catch Rumaan Harjarvti doing some illegal shit on American soil.

But even The Joker isn't enough drama to spice up this Annual. So Booster discovers one of his arch-enemies, The 1000, are behind stealing a Star Labs tank that they're trying to repossess for them.

Ha ha! "Nortorious!" The Letterer fucked up! *sigh* It would be way more fun pointing it out if I bothered to learn the names of any DC letterers.

The riskiest part of Booster and Beetle's repo job is when Beetle uses the word "FLICKS" in comic book dialogue! After managing to not have the ink on the "L" and the "I" bleed together, Beetle and Booster also evade The 1000's guards and The Joker's car bomb.

The Joker finally kills a henchman. That means he either really is The Joker or Batman's lost himself in the disguise.

That's two people who have jizzed their pants this issue.

The Joker kills a second of Harjarvti's men after he fails to shoot Fire in the head while she sucks on a hot dog. Dammit! Now three people have jizzed in their pants!

Luckily I wear plastic underwear since I never know when a kink is going to overwhelm me. Mmm, Brazilians eating hot dogs just before they get shot in the head! Dammit! I should change before continuing.

Okay, where were we? Barda's asshole, I think? Oh no. The Joker was killing people. I think 95% of the time you're interrupted while reading a DC Comic and then go back to it and think, "Where was I?", the answer is "Oh yeah. The Joker was killing people."

The Joker learns about Scott Free and Barda's asshole's picnic so I'm already imagining all the crazy shenanigans that are going to take place! Explosions! Poison gas! Death and mayhem! Ha ha! This comic book is so funny!

Finally, everybody arrives at the barbecue and it's a hoot!

I'm fairly certain Guy Gardner was some kind of all-state quarterback so he definitely meant to hit Oberon in the head. He might be faking nice by this point.

In a few panels, Guy apologizes to Oberon (by name even! He doesn't call him "shorty" or any other insulting thing which half the League wind up doing without thinking anything of it, the bastards!) but Oberon, like me, isn't fooled! Guy did it on purpose!

The Joker shows up, steals the Star Labs tank to blow up the League, and finds himself attack by The 1000. It's the kind of comedy of errors that coined the term "comedy of errors." Unless Shakespeare's play didn't involve a barbecue, a tank, The Joker, and a league of criminal miscreants. I think maybe Shakespeare only had two out four of those in his play.

Barda gets pissed that her sanctuary has been breached by Justice League nonsense and takes things into her own hands the way any self-respecting New God would. Thank goodness! Because that means another shot of her bum!

I'm not worried that all of this obsessing over Barda's ass will paint me as a typical horny comic book loser because how can anybody admit to not appreciating that butt?

Before Barda ends the battle and The Joker surrenders, Beetle puts out an emergency call to Batman on the Justice League beeper. Batman comes driving up, sees The Joker, and says, "I'm not dealing with this today!", and drives off! What the fuck, Batman?! Your team needed your help! Against your most deadly foe! And you just drive off rather than helping?! What a fucking piece of shit. No wonder a large section of "serious-minded" comic book fans hated this run of the Justice League. I'm starting to suspect stupid sixteen year old me was stupid! Although this is an Annual. Who reads Annuals?! If Giffen and DeMatteis want to play The Joker for slapstick laughs, it's not like many people probably even noticed. Which is why DC Comics, the year after "Personal Lives," decided to tie all the Annuals into a larger story. To get more people to actually buy the stupid things!

There's a meme of the animated Joker seemingly wearing kitten-heeled pumps. Well, here's more proof that he loves them high-heeled shoes! And terrible 80s pants. And awful color combinations. And shoulder pads (on a trench?!). Where is Michael Kors when you need him?!

Justice League Annual #2 Rating: Um, I don't rate Annuals! It's a long-standing policy to not rate Annuals! Hell, most of the time, I don't even read the fucking things!

I just checked to see if I rated the first Annual to see if anybody could call me a hypocrite and was pleasantly surprised to see that I basically rated the first one the same way I rated this one. Also I laughed at my caption on the final picture. What a pervert I've always been!

Justice League Annual #1 (1987)

Martian Manhunter has five thousand different super powers compared with the one super power of the rest of the team (Black Canary's sonic scream. The other "super powers" are just technological accessory based).

If this comic book isn't about Martian Manhunter's addiction to Oreo cookies then what am I even doing with my life? The only reason I love Martian Manhunter is that he loves Oreo cookies and I view him as the father I never had. Whenever I had a problem growing up, I would think, "What advice would Martian Manhunter give me?" And that's why I was so fat in Junior High School because the answer was always "Eat more Oreos."

I know Martian Manhunter's eventual addiction is to "Choco's" but fuck Choco's. Fuck them like every other off-brand Oreo cookie. They fucking suck.

Speaking of things that suck, this dick isn't going to suck itself. Now picture me pointing at the comic book because I need to read it. That's how I begin reading all of my comic books. And I say it loudly so the neighbors will think, "Oh boy! That guy next door isn't a nerd at all! Total sex maniac!"

The "Hunting the Manhunter" blurb on this cover reminds me that Millennium is coming up and I think I hated that? No, no. I'm sure I loved it! There are two things I couldn't get enough of in my teen years and comic books was the second one of them.

Kord Industries has bought some property in the middle of Ultra-Nowhere, South America, and some of its employees have gone off to scout the location.

Wasn't that the episode with the shape-changing hottie who loves sucking the salt out of men? You know what I'm talking about. Also she was probably a male monster posing as a female monster. Proof of that theory is that every single episode of the first season of the original Star Trek could also have been the name of a gay bar.

Inside the abandoned research facility, the Kord employees encounter pretty much the same thing Kirk, Spock, and the other one encountered:

Vampire John Travolta! It's possible I'm misremembering the Star Trek episode.

While on monitor duty, Guy Gardner discovers that large groups of people on four different continents seem to be under the control of a single will and Batman asks Martian Manhunter, "Do you think this is League business?" What the fuck else would be, Bat-Turd?! A new Internet fad like planking or the Harlem Shuffle? I mean, it totally could be that except that the Internet doesn't really exist during this story. I mean if you want to be a pedant about it, I suppose the teenage Internet across college campuses. But nobody likes a pedant so just shut the fuck up and live in my reality while you're reading my stupid comic book review. Just take the fucking Red Pill and relax! Except don't do that because the idea of The Matrix Red Pill has been co-opted by the worst of humanity who think they're somehow the most logical and philosophical people on the planet when they're really just awful monsters rationalizing all of their mean desires.

How did people come away from reading this comic book hating Guy Gardner and not also despising Batman?

The Justice League splits up into teams of two to cover the mass hypnosis issues in Paris, Tokyo, Sydney, and Los Angeles. I'm not sure Batman knows how to balance teams because he sends Doctor Fate and Martian Manhunter together while leaving Mister Miracle with Blue Beetle. Here are my teams: Guy Gardner with Blue Beetle because Blue Beetle is effectively worthless and Guy Gardner has the most powerful weapon in the universe. Batman would go with Black Canary because her sonic scream is sort of like a bat's echo location. Martian Manhunter would go with Scott Free because they're both aliens. And Booster Gold would team up with Doctor Fate because their outfits match.

Blue Beetle and Mister Miracle head to L.A. with some, um, problematic dialogue? I think?

This is an "anal sex/everybody in Hollywood is gay" joke, right?

With newer comic books, a scan of 620 pixels (basically the width of the main column of the blog (although I think the width changed when I added the Goodreads app. I should probably fix it so the 620 pixel pictures stop bleeding off into the right-hand frame (if you're reading this on Tumblr, just ignore it. Just ignore everything since Tumblr fucked up their code and now I can't even center pictures or get the captions to sit snugly right up underneath the scans))) was usually enough to read the dialogue clearly. But with these old comics on newsprint, they're fuzzier and the font seems much smaller. Sorry about that but I won't betray my artistic integrity by scanning less than the full panel! At least not in this case is my defense against the pedants who can easily find many examples of me doing exactly that.

First Black Canary is treated like shit by Batman and now she teams up with Booster Gold who can't stop hitting on her until she reminds him she's a competent limb-breaker. This must be the kind of comics Comicsgaters wish we could return to! "Remember when women were treated as sexual objects and not one member of the Justice League was Black and constantly said, 'Booyah!'? What great times!"

Black Canary and Booster Gold become John Travolta Vampire slaves almost immediately because Batman chose the improper team pairings. It's bad enough that Batman would fail at making proper pairings but it's extra bad when Batman is being written by a writer and the writer made that choice. I mean, how do you pass up the opportunity to team Booster Gold with Doctor Fate?! They would look so fucking good together!

Batman and Guy Gardner (you know how you can tell Hal Jordan is the real Green Lantern? Because people will say "Green Lantern" when discussing him instead of "Hal Jordan") wind up in Tokyo where Doctor Light is all, "Hello, boys! I'm a vampire now!" Then she blinds the fuck out of them because Batman forgot to put on his Bat-sunglasses.

Batman steals this move from Doctor Light in the next regular issue.

Doctor Light kisses Batman and he's all, "Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. I get it. Being a vampire is pretty awesome. No wonder writers write vampire versions of me every other year or so."

I don't think the editors briefed Willingham on what Beetle's Bug can and can't do.

Beetle lands at Kord West and is immediately swamped by John Travolta Vampire's thralls. So he does the thing he does in nearly every comic book except the one where Maxwell Lord shoots him in the head: he runs away. But he doesn't run fast enough and winds up possessed aboard the Bug with Mister Miracle. The story hints that Miracle gets possessed just after the scene changes but he's Scott Free, the world's greatest escape artist! I would guess he'd be the one to save everybody else but judging from the cover, it's Martian Manhunter who keeps from getting possessed.

In Australia, Doctor Fate wades into a group of infected people because he's a gigantic arrogant prick. He's all, "I'm a frickin' Lord of Order, assholes! I know a spell that can get to the root of this problem!" And then the Vampire John Travolta is all, "I'll kill Kent Nelson if you don't leave his body." And Doctor Fate is all, "Well, J'onn, I've gotta go! Nice hanging out with you! Ta ta!" Which leaves Martian Manhunter as the only person left on Earth who isn't infected (or at least the only person left who is in this story). I bet that's pretty lonely. But Martian Manhunter is used to being lonely. I wonder if he's capable of making his right hand into a female martian so he can fuck it?

Martian Manhunter has no idea what he's dealing with so he puts on Doctor Fate's helmet to gain all of the other powers that he didn't already have without it. But only for a few seconds because Superman would never be able to get an erection again if he found out Martian Manhunter had all of his powers and could also do magic. J'onn wears the helmet just long enough to learn what Doctor Fate learned about the contagion: it's a sentient cell! It's smart cancer! And I guess Vampire John Travolta was Patient Zero. Now J'onn just has to figure out how to fight Smart Cancer. I don't even know how he'll defeat it because I just looked up Smart Cancer in the Who's Who to read about its weaknesses and wouldn't you know it? There's no entry for Smart Cancer! Maybe it was in an update that I don't own. Like that version of Who's Who that was just loose pages to stick in a binder! I have that one too but it's possible I just didn't buy all of the expansion packs.

Martian Manhunter heads to the source of the contagion to meet Smart Cancer head on. What he finds is a boss from Castlevania.

When you have thousands of people at your disposal, is the most effective way to use them shoving them together into one giant person?

The first thing Smart Cancer's Granfaloon does is try to smash J'onn with its people fist. In effect, it's smashing a dozen people head first into the ground so that dirt sprays up all over the place. So I guess a dozen or so people are now dead, right? It's not like Smart Cancer gave them invulnerability to massive head wounds.

I think this panel is the one where all the Justice League editors through their hands up in resignation and sighed, "I guess the Justice League is ridiculous now."

Martian Manhunter realizes, like me, how fucking stupid Smart Cancer is to put all of its people in one gigantic people-shaped basket. Since all the minds are linked, he realizes he can throw the Fate helmet on one of the people and Doctor Fate can possess Smart Cancer. It works but only for a limited amount of time. Doctor Fate can't hold that many people under his sway. But Doctor Fate does know who can control Smart Cancer: the martian! He can shapeshift his cells into some kind of prison or something. I don't know. It was explained in the most basic medical and scientific terms but they were still beyond my attention span. In the end, Martian Manhunter contained the Smart Cancer in him and that's where it lives now? Oh, and speaking of "the end," check out this clever and titillating final panel:

"Why's it gotta be the ass of the only woman on the team?" I say while pulling my pants down.

Justice League Annual #1 Rating: What?! I don't rate annuals! I mean, maybe sometimes I rate annuals. This one was okay. It was sort of interesting but I was disappointed that Vampire John Travolta wasn't the actual enemy. I hope Smart Cancer fights its way out of J'onn and makes another appearance later.

Kamandi Challenge #5

Kamandi, The Last Girl On Earth, is getting super erotic.

When we last left Kamandi, the Last Girl on Earth, she was involved in a death race style competition with the Kanga Rat Murder Society. It's just what they do with every survivor of a plane crash they find wandering the wastes near the Great Western Wall of Mystery and Awe. It's not surprising since that's what Australians currently do anyway. "Hey mate!" they would say in a really stereotypical and terrible version of their Australian accent (which is the best I can manage, even when I'm just writing it) "'Ow about gittin' a spinggrok on the kill-em-magoo?!" Then they all wave their dicks towards New Zealand, slam a beer, pretend not to see the indigenous Australians nearby, and spit, "I reckon crikey maybe gosswizzers fligarmalarkey!"

Meanwhile as I, an American, poke fun at Australians, they've enacted sensible gun laws.

I suppose the Kanga Rat Murder Society sit and stew in boredom most of the time. If Kangaroos can get hard-ons, I bet the collective "boing" of their rods stiffening when they realized somebody had crashed a plane nearby cracked the sound barrier, shattering beer mugs and didgeridoos all across the Outback. Now they get to chase Kamandi and Fuck Plant all across the Outback throwing boomerangs and whatever other weapons are still legal in Australia. You can't outlaw boomerangs because boomerangs don't kill people because people can't throw boomerangs effectively. I mean people kill people. I mean Kanga Rat Murder Society kills people. Also guns. Guns kill people. Also other things. Lots of other things kill people. But most of them aren't as effective as guns. Or the United States military.

This is Kamandi's friend, Fuck Plant. Excuse me while I research nearby nurseries online with my pants off.

I meant the kind of nursery where they grow plants and not the kind where they grow children, you sicko pervert!

To keep from being Kanga Rat murdererd, Fuck Plant drives herself and Kamandi off a cliff and into the sea. They survive because she turns herself into a protective womb to wrap around Kamandi. Kamandi thinks, "Am I in Fuck Plant's vagina?" They hit the water and Kamandi is knocked out before she can finish masturbating.

Three days later, Kamandi wakes up. For some reason, she isn't hungry or thirsty. Probably because Fuck Plant isn't just good for fucking; she's also entirely edible! She's probably been stuffing pieces of herself into Kamandi. Not in a sexy way! In a nutritional way! I suppose that's still sexy for weirdo perverts who get off on people eating.

Kamandi is eventually plucked out of the sea by Babal Crow, a sea captain who is also a dog. He is the captain of a paddle steamer. Get it? Doggy paddle? That's a good joke, right?! He doesn't call himself and his crew pirates. No, they're "Free Traders" who are loyal to no nation. Kamandi asks about Fuck Plant and Babel is all, "Oh cute. You fucked your raft? Good and proper thing to do. But we left it in the ocean because gross." Kamandi shrugs and gets on with her life.

After the paddle steamer comes ashore on some jungle continent, Kamandi winds up sidekicking with Raja Maccao, ex-wrestling tiger now turned world's greatest detective. But he's too busy to solve Kamandi's Challenge before they (or I!) solve it. They spend a few months wandering the jungle not solving any cases at all while Raja "Mack" Maccao tries to impress Kamandi with stories of all of his adventures. Kamandi continues to refuse to put a shirt on to cover her girl nipples. I continue to read this comic book in private.

One morning, Mack and Kamandi are attacked by panthers riding on the backs of various giant birds. It's like Elfquest Book Three all over again! Sort of.

To escape, Kamandi once again must plunge off of a cliff into water. Did Bill Willingham have a stroke partway through writing this script? I hope the cliffhanger doesn't have anything to do with Kamandi about to be murdered while near the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom.

Actually, Kamandi doesn't escape. But Mack does! He probably won't reappear until the end of the series. He did confess that he was searching for somebody but never mentioned who it was. I bet he was searching for Kamandi! Or maybe Doctor Canis. Or, perhaps, Doctor Vokolo, the lemur who can doctor! Mack was, after all, searching for somebody who could cure some stupid post-apocalyptic disease. Anyway, I suspect maybe he's searching for Doctor Vokolo because that's who Kamandi was just captured by. So the cliffhanger at the end should probably be solved by Mack rescuing Kamandi since Mack was searching for this place anyhow.

I might be getting ahead of myself though! With all the twists and turns these Kamandi Challenge stories take, anything could happen between now and the last few pages.

Doctor Vokolo needs to vivisect Kamandi so his 3-D Printer can learn to print human organs. Why he needs human organs when he's killing the last human on Earth to learn to make them, I don't know. I guess human organs will be used as replacement parts for the post-apocalyptic sentient pig people.

Mack does arrive to rescue Kamandi...but not in time!

Eep!

I think Bill Willingham wins for best cliffhanger so far! By the way, for those of you wondering how Kamandi is still alive without any organs, Doctor Vokolo explained it all earlier but it was too much technical mumbo-jumbo for the kinds of people who read my commentaries. I saved you a headache! Just know it probably makes sense.

Here's how I would solve this cliffhanger: Mack would force Doctor Vokolo to put Kamandi's brain into the body of a super sexy tiger lady. Then Mack would fuck Kamandi for nineteen pages. Then the cliffhanger would be Mack saying, "Oh no! My erection has lasted longer than four hours! What am I going to do?!"

Instead of having the essay by the previous writer answering how they would have solved their cliffhanger, once again readers are given a pile of dogshit from an artist who basically just says, "I loved drawing it! Whee!" I suppose James Tynion's resolution to his cliffhanger was just too boring and mediocre to publish. Anyway, next month is Steve Orlando! That's where we'll find out somebody is probably gay! Although why nobody came out as bisexual in Tynion's book is a huge mystery!

Black Manta! (as seen in Aquaman)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal
Marital Status: Single [At least, there's no Mrs. Black Manta. But since his identity is unknown, who knows?]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Mobile [Via waterways, most likely.] First Appearance: AQUAMAN #35
Height:6'1" Weight:187 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Black

HISTORY
A professional criminal all his adult life, Black Manta has spent years plundering the ocean floor of its valuable contents [Like sea cucmbers and sea urchins.]. In this time, he has assembled a considerable number of henchmen, as well as bioengineering mutants he call his Manta-Men [This took a turn for the strange rather quickly! I thought he was just going to be this guy in a submarine, you know? Bioengineered Manta-Men?! How did he manage that? Comic books back in the day were much better when people weren't demanding believability and reality. I think my commentary blogs do a disservice by pointing out illogical shit!].

Little is known of the man beneath the Manta costume, save that, like most of his henchmen, he is black [Apparently that's why Aquaman keeps trying to bust his ass when he and his Manta-men are just searching for lost treasure and not bothering anybody.]. "Not that racism is my motive," Says Manta, "but since blacks have been suppressed for so long on the surface, they fight well for a chance to be masters below." [Dialogue obviously written by some white guy. Why the fuck does Black Manta have to explain himself? I don't see Batman, lounging in the watchtower smoking a cigar, saying, "I know the Justice League is composed of all white members but it's not a racism thing. But since whites have been in power for so long, they fight well for a chance to control space too!"]

Black Manta has attempted several times to create his own undersea kingdom, but each attempt has been thwarted by the King of the Seven Seas, Aquaman (see Aquaman) ["Hey buddy! If you haven't already noticed, the white man owns the under-ocean. Get the fuck out!" Seriously, Aquaman can't allow somebody else setting up a community underwater? What a dick.]. In the course of one of these conflicts, Black Manta was directly responsible for the death of Aquaman's son, Arthur Curry Jr., thus becoming one of the Sea King's greatest foes [Well why was Aquaman bringing his baby along on his raids to drive Black Manta out of the ocean?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Black Manta wears a costume that provides him with unlimited air and communications capacity and protects him from the extraordinary pressures of the deep. The lenses in his helmet are also equipped with sophisticated laser beams, capable of piercing carbon steel. Over the years, he has used various undersea craft, probably of his own design. He has also designed and had performed upon many of his henchmen an intricate series of gill implantations, enabling them to survive indefinitely beneath the sea [Inside the Atlantean prison cells which Aquaman would immediately throw them in.], though Black Manta himself has not yet undergone this still-experimental process.

Having spent so many years beneath the waves, Black Manta has become proficient in all forms of undersea combat and is a skilled hand-to-hand fighter [What exactly are the forms of undersea combat? Swim-boxing? Fish-wrestling? Tae Kwon Don't Drown?].