Daredevil #9

Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever Daredevil can't! Look out! Spider-man doesn't rhyme with can't!

The Review or Whatever!
Spider-man is a jerk. He thinks he's funny but he's really just inaccessible. He uses humor to remain emotionally distant. If he doesn't form close bonds, he doesn't have to worry about having his feelings hurt. His entire shtick is devised to keep him detached. Why would you choose to be associated with a spider? I mean besides because a spider gave him his powers. I mean, he didn't have to choose to be Spider-man. His super powers are the ability to sense danger and being inordinately strong. That doesn't scream spider to me. But you know what does scream spider? Anybody who sees one! Which is probably why he chose to be a spider because it creeps people out and keeps them wanting to get close to him. He also developed his web technology so he can apprehend villains from a distance. You never know when Black Cat is going to try to seduce you and you're going to fall for it and you're suddenly going to open up and realize you have no idea how to handle the flood of emotions you've locked away inside of you since your mother taught you emotions were only to be used to manipulate and control! I mean, you know, that's probably what Peter Parker learned early on in life. Frickin' Aunt May.

That's about as good as I get at to a Browning's style dramatic monologue! I'm not as clever or subtle! That's also about as good as I get at a review of a Marvel comic book! Now you're left wondering: "did Tess like it? Tess didn't even talk about it? What the fuck is wrong with Tess? How is this a comic book review site? Who the fuck does Tess think Tess is? Why am I avoiding the use of pronouns? What am I doing with my life? Reading comic book 'reviews' on the internet? I should be pursuing my dreams and desires! Why am I such a horrible failure? Maybe I can at least disappear into the unthinking pleasures of a self-induced orgasm to suspend, for even the merest of moments, the crushing weight of choices that have left me paralyzed and unable to live any semblance of an adult life!" Come on. You know that's what you were thinking!

Daredevil #8

How does Daredevil know what cards he's holding? His "amazing 360-radar sense"? I guess that's where the bluff comes in!

The Review or Whatever!
Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence, so a person doesn't really need to know what cards they're holding. Especially if they don't care about losing all of their money. But seriously. You could probably play Texas Hold'em almost as well by never even picking up your cards. Texas Hold'em is a lot like life (just like everything, if you want to make it into an awful allegory like I'm about to do). You can worry about the cards that were dealt but that isn't going to help with the hand because what you get is what you get, motherfucker. You're fucking stuck with the shit you've been given. But that doesn't mean you can't accomplish whatever you want (which, since you're playing poker, "whatever you want" is actually just "winning lots of money"). It just means it's going to be a lot harder for a person dealt a nine high to take the money of somebody dealt a royal flush. Okay, you know what? No way that is ever going to happen. So you should probably fold because a person dealt a royal flush would never fold. But that still works well with the life allegory because if you're born at the bottom of society's ranking of poker hands, there's really only so much money you're likely to make. You can probably bluff a lot of pairs and two pairs off of their hands and, depending on the suits on the cards on the table, maybe even some trips. But are you going to knock down somebody with a full house or a straight flush? No fucking way. But, as I said, Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence. If you're confident enough, you just might convince somebody with a straight flush that you've got the royal version. You just never know until you try! Although if you were born with a nine high, you're never getting into the places where the people born with a royal flush in their mouth play anyway. So you should probably resign yourself to a life of washing their dishes.

What I said.

Daredevil makes his way to the final table of a Texas Hold'em Tournament in Macau where he's up against a telepath working for the casino. But since Matt doesn't know what cards he's holding, it won't help the telepath at all. And since it's Texas Hold'em, who needs to know their own cards to win? Play the man, not the cards, as they say. I think? Do people say that?

Daredevil wins the tournament but that's not much of a spoiler because the real story doesn't begin until next issue. What is important is that he can't cash the ten million dollar check for winning because it's made out to the fake name he used to enter the tournament. What the hell, Murdock? You're a fucking lawyer! Surely you could have created an alias strong enough to legally cash a check! What is wrong with you?! Don't you care about money?!

Anyway, next issue has Spider-man in it.

Daredevil #7

Here's a totally new joke for any five year olds who read my blog: Daredevil is horny!

The Review or Whatever!
This is how a comic book that grown people read begins: "When Matt Murdock was a kid, he lost his sight in an accident involving a truck carrying radioactive chemicals. Though he could no longer see, the chemicals heightened Murdock's other senses and imbued him with an amazing 360-radar sense." I don't know what "360-radar sense" means but I'm guessing it's a typo and also it's not the ridiculous part of this statement! If the sentence immediately following "accident involving radioactive chemicals" doesn't include the phrases "loss of hair", "violent diarrhea", "crippling nausea", and "eventually succumbed to cancer," an adult should find it laughable! I can see a kid going, "Oh yeah! Mutations are awesome!" But an adult should not be saying, "That's totally how science works! Because science is just God telling molecules what to do!"

At the end of the last issue, I was surprised to learn that Elektra had a child. At the end of this issue, I'm surprised to learn that Elektra doesn't have a child. That was the quickest surprise retcon flip-flop turnover twist in the history of comic books!

I was also disappointed that nobody had sex. I don't know why. There were at least two pages with Foggy that could have been dumped for sex scenes.

Daredevil #6

Is this cover All Ages appropriate?!

The Review!
One thing I was thinking while reading Daredevil #6 was, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" The easy answer is because I fell in love with Charles Soule and decided to support him but I wish I would have known he was doing that Vision comic book too (although he isn't, dum-dum!). I think I would have liked that better than this one because even though Charles Soule is writing it (except he isn't! Tom King is!), I can't stop thinking, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" He's never really intrigued me. You might even say that between Daredevil and Nick Fury, they helped ruin Marvel Comics for me! They were the first comic books I discovered and I found them utterly boring. Maybe not Daredevil as much as Nick Fury. Imagine a little kid picking up a comic book called "Nick Fury, Agent of Shield." It may as well have read "Your Father's Friend, Tow Truck Driver" across the front. I remember one cover was just Nick Fury's face really big. At least he had an eye patch. Although if he hadn't had that eye patch, I probably wouldn't have been tricked into reading the comic book! All of the potential excitement was in the eye patch! And really, Daredevil wasn't much better. A blind lawyer? I'm eight years old and I'm supposed to find the adventures of a blind lawyer exciting? It's possible (and highly probable) I never even read their comic books anyway. I think there were a few Hulk books in the box of comics that I read and then gave up on them altogether. It's not like Hulk fought a bear or anything.

Another thing I thought while reading this comic book: Elektra has a kid? That may have spoiled the ending if nobody else also knew that Elektra had a kid either. Aside from that, it was a flaccid, mediocre experience. Charles Soule, you can do better.

Daredevil #5

Is this guy The Hand who The Hand are named for?!

I probably know a little bit more about Daredevil than the average person on the street who doesn't respond to "Daredevil" with "Evel Knieval?" I did have the Daredevil Secret Wars figure when I was younger. You know, the one with the secret shield cheap-ass hologram thing? I also had Wolverine. I probably made Daredevil bump into things a lot. I'm sure his stick (as well as Wolverine's claws) wound up mixed in with all of my Star Wars figure weapons. It's also possible I just gave Wolverine's claws to a Batman figure.

I appreciate that Marvel Comics prints up the Synopsis Page at the beginning of each of their comic books. Why DC doesn't do this, I have no idea. They do realize that a large majority of their fans are at that age where memory isn't everything it used to be. Also I'd rather have the previous issue of Teen Titans summarized for me before reading the new one so that I don't have to actually waste any brain space remembering that garbage.

Daredevil has become a prosecutor which I guess is new? He's always been a defense attorney before this? I guess? So now he's trying to beat up criminals so the cops can arrest them so that he can send them to prison in the courtroom! Now he just needs to get a job pulling the switch on the electric chair and he'll have a monopoly on justice!

Currently Daredevil is trying to get Tenfingers behind bars but his job has become complicated by The Hand butting in. They want to kill Tenfingers for stealing their special hand lotion and Daredevil doesn't like the idea of killing. I know that because I saw the second season of Daredevil on Netflix and Daredevil was constantly going, "No Punisher! Don't kill those people! Stop it, you big brute!"

Oh, this guy is named The Fist. Don't all the hand references get tiresome after awhile? And how many more can even be made at this point? We've got Tenfingers, The Hand, and The Fist. I guess Open Palm and Jerk-off Motion haven't been used yet.

I bet there is at least one Hand Ninja who always cracks himself up when starting a mission by saying, "This looks like a job for The Hand!"

I'm not one to engage in all the DC versus Marvel fanboy nonsense but I'm offering this to anybody to use on a forum when someone says that DC is too silly or unrealistic. Just reply with this image from the Marvel Universe!

Blindspot is locked in Tenfingers' temple along with The Fist so he sends a Tweet asking his followers to all say "Daredevil. The temple." Matt gets the message and rushes off suspiciously. Although it's not really suspicious because nobody would ever believe a blind guy is actually Daredevil! I'm reading it and I know it's a comic book and I know it's in a universe with Galactus and The Hulk and Batroc the Leaper, and I barely believe it!

Anyway, there's a battle and Tenfingers is killed and Daredevil saves some people and Blindspot saves more people and that's the end of that story. Next, Electra! Unless it's Elektra because she's Greek!

Daredevil #4

This cover must have happened in a timeline that was erased by the X-men time traveling from the future to stop the time traveling X-men of the past from time traveling into the future to stop the future time travelers from time traveling.

Am I just getting greasier as I get older or is the ink on comic books getting cheaper? It's like newsprint again! It seems like I can't hold a comic book while reading it without smudging the ink where my greasy, disgusting thumbs are resting.

I liked this issue of Daredevil the best so far. Probably because Daredevil is having an existential dilemma. Sure, the first three issues were about the dangers of masturbation which was a totally great subject and all, but I have to give a slight nod to existential quanderies. They aren't quite as satisfying in the short term as masturbation. They're more like jawbreakers. You can suck on them all day trying to figure out what they mean or how to continue living your life with all of this societal garbage piling up on you. And just like a jawbreaker, existential quandaries merely leave your body physically sore and your tongue covered in white bumps. Especially if they're really big and overwhelming ones, the kind your father smashes with a hammer because they're too big to fit into your mouth.

Daredevil #3

Why does Marvel have three places for the number of the issue? As if they'll ever allow a comic book to have that many issues ever again!

Rating: No change. I still think this comic book is an allegory for masturbation. Blindness, an obsession with hands, the fact that it makes me masturbate, the title anagrammed to "Dread Evil". Totally about masturbation.

Daredevil #2

Tenfingers is overcompensating for something.

Rating: It's okay. It's a bit on the boring side because Daredevil's nemesis is just some gang leader with too many fingers on each hand. I guess he has some magic powers that he stole from the Hand Ninjas. I guess that's clever? Why is there a hand theme in the Daredevil comic book? Is this a masturbation analogy? Hands and blindness? I bet Daredevil's next battle will be against Harry Palms, Defense Attorney!

Daredevil #1

I really should be reading Vision over this comic book but I'm horribly out of touch with everything.

Here is what I know about Daredevil: he's a blind lawyer who lives in Hell's Kitchen who once banged Electra. Unless it was Electra who banged Daredevil. I just want to make it known that I don't care who the object of the banging was as long as there was banging. As far as the second person on the cover goes, I have no idea who that is. Daredevil's new sidekick, Stripes?

The first page explains everything the new reader needs to know about Daredevil. It says, "I am Matt Murdock. I am Daredevil." Oh, that was another thing I knew about Daredevil! I knew his name! He should go into court wearing a shirt with two big overlapping "M"s on it. Then he could wink to the jury and say things like, "Am I winking? I feel like I'm winking. If I'm not winking, imagine that I'm winking because I'm trying to wink and it really feels like I'm winking but I can't really tell, you know?" Then the hottest member of the jury will be all, "Oh yeah, buddy. You're winking!" If you couldn't tell by the way I wrote that sentence, the hottest member of the jury was a man and Matt Murdock was totally into it. He was all, "Matt Murdock? More like Matt More Cock, am I right?!"

I'm sorry if I've already offended any gay blind lawyers! And also I'm sorry if I've offended any DC Fangenders because, as you may have noticed, this is a Marvel book.

On the second page, Daredevil reminds me of the other most important thing about him! I can't believe I forgot about it because it used to be on every fucking cover of every fucking Daredevil book published when I was younger: he's the man without fear! Like Hal Jordan!

"Am I teabagging these thugs? Somebody tell me if I'm teabagging them! Is this how it's done?!"

Some gang working for some guy named Tenfingers have just thrown a kid named Billy Li (Billy's parents were obviously wise acres) off the Manhattan Bridge. You might be familiar with that name because it's in New York. New York is the universe where all of the Marvel stories take place. The reason I mentioned Billy is that Daredevil dove off the bridge to keep Billy from drowning. Now all of the gang members are worried that Daredevil has managed to waste their time and that Tenfingers won't be happy about it.

What kind of gang leader name is Tenfingers? It's not like it's something fucking special! I could be Tenfingers! Although I'm not because I wouldn't choose a stupid fucking name like that. I'd probably call myself One-Face or Two Kidneys! This is where a lesser comic would throw in something ridiculous at the end of the list, like Five Dongs or Four Testes! But I'm more refined than that and I'm trying to take my reviewing job more seriously in 2016. I want be more like other reviewers where I flaunt my intellect and writing skills and avoid being silly and whimsical. Save that shit for whenever it's more appropriate. Like maybe at a speech during your Godson's baptism or your best friend's marriage that everybody already knows is doomed to fail.

This is the part where Daredevil deals some justice outside of the courtroom!

I wonder how long it'll be until he battles Spider-man in a big mix-up?!

Tenfingers' gang is too numerous for Daredevil to deal with on his own so his sidekick helps out. His sidekick is invisible and his name is...no, you know what. By saying his name, I'm going to tank this commentary right back down into Stupidville because nobody will believe me for one second that Daredevil's sidekick is named Blindspot. Ugh. I feel like I should call up Charles Soule's parents and apologize for the embarrassment their son has just caused them.

I probably shouldn't call Charles' mom because I don't even know if Charles Soule invented Blindspot. Asking Lord Google, it appears Blindspot is female and has been around for over a decade. I guess Charles Soule is just too clever for his own good. I bet he cracked himself up teaming Blindspot with Daredevil.

Shit, I don't even know if it was Soule's idea! For all I know, Daredevil and Blindspot have been lovers for over a decade! Although I bet they've both battled Spider-man!

Daredevil uses the masculine pronoun when admiring Blindspot's technique so I guess Daredevil's super-senses aren't any good determining gender.

I guess Daredevil used Blindspot's power to make everybody forget about him or something he did or the late age he was when he finally got laid.

Apparently Foggy is the only one left who knows Matt Murdock is Daredevil. And he's not happy about it because he can't use the information to get laid anymore.

It turns out Daredevil was protecting Billy Li because Matt Murdock needs Billy Li to testify in court against one of Tenfingers' lieutenants. Also Matt Murdock is now a prosecutor for the universe of New York. Is this where I'm supposed to get smart and start discussing how symbolic it is that Daredevil is a prosecutor rather than a defendant? Or do I write what I'm honestly thinking about which is how big is Daredevil's penis?

While Matt Murdock makes plans to bring down Tenfingers' gang, Tenfingers makes a plan of his own! Although is "kill everybody in my way" really a plan? That's just status quo!

Tenfingers still doesn't make sense because he's Twentyfingers! And that's Blindspot behind him so I guess this Blindspot is a guy.

I'm only reading one Marvel comic book (sort of! But I won't get into the sort of here because it messes up what I'm going to say next) so I'm not going to rate it. That would be a waste of time because it would be #1 out of 1 comic books! It's the best and worst Marvel book I'm currently reading! Although I have a feeling Tom King's Vision is way better. Stupid me! I should be reading that!

She-Hulk #4

Fucking Daredevil. We already have enough lawyer shit going on in this comic book! Go back to Hell's Kitten, why don't you?!

Fox programming would be so much better if they had programs called Kitten Nightmares and Hell's Kittens instead of the shows they actually have.

Last issue ended when her client, Doctor Doom Junior, was kidnapped from the courtroom by his father, Doctor Doom. But he never paid his legal bills! So She-Hulk is probably going to have to hunt him down this issue so she can pay her bills, most of which are for cocaine.

She-Hulk decides to take a short vacation in San Francisco because she needs law advice from Daredevil and San Francisco is apparently where Matt Murdock is currently hanging his dick. That's how you do it in The City! If you're a woman, you store your tits! No, no. Don't look it up. It's totally the correct slang for residing in The City. Believe me, I grew up there! Well, nearly there. Kind of close to there. About forty five minutes from there! That's close enough to be a native San Franciscontonian! Apparently Matt Murdock was disbarred for being a douchebag. I wonder why Perry Mason was never disbarred? It's not like he ever won a case! He'd just fart continuously while questioning the witness on the stand until they couldn't breathe and would just admit to doing the crime. That's also why he got fatter and fatter! Because he had to continuously load up on court room ammunition by shoving chili dogs and french fries in his debate trap.

No! If I wanted to read a Daredevil story, I would have purchased a Daredevil comic book!

Murdock's story is about how he and Spider-man broke out one of his clients from jail instead of letting justice fuck it up completely. His client was Felicia Hardy who I think is Black Cat or something. And that's the end of the story. Basically, his story amounted to, "I'm a lawyer but fuck that job because I'm a super hero too and I can do whatever the fuck I want with my buddy Spider-Man!"

Matt's advice is to do whatever she wants to do. And since they still have an entire night to kill after that shitty advice, they hit the town!

To beat up on black white-supremacists? The Marvel Universe is weird.

The next day, She-Hulk flies out to Latveria to get what she's owed. While there, she battles a gigantic version of Doom. Why is Doom so big? Is it just a giant Doombot remote controlled by Doom? Did Doom sit in some Gamma Rays? She breaks the giant Doom a little bit but mostly just talks with it and tells it to stop smothering its son. Doom hears her argument and is satisfied that his son should probably be let off the leash now and again. And then she's told to get the fuck out of Latveria.

I'm sure Matt Murdock can help She-Hulk exchange the Latverian Francs for money that won't make Americans scream, "Treasonous monster!" Although most Americans like to scream that phrase for many other reasons, so that still might happen.

Later, She-Hulk heads home to deal with The Blue File! It's a case in which she was named a Defendant along with a bunch of other super powered people. But Jennifer doesn't remember the case at all. So she's got her monkey and her assistant and drunk Hellcat on the case! Next issue, they'll...well, I don't know. Maybe they'll figure out what it's about or something.

She-Hulk #4 Rating: I once worked for this guy named David. He was a cousin of a cousin which basically made him some asshole I knew. He once hired a lawyer to help him with a drunk driving case and then knowingly bounced a check to the lawyer. I think he was one of those guys who lived life one problem at a time. Drunk driving? Get a lawyer? Pay the lawyer? Bounce a check! Lawyer calling about payment? Don't answer the phone! Sued by the drunk driving lawyer? Bounce another check! Or something. I have no idea what his thought processes were on solving problems. He made and installed kitchen cabinets. He actually did a really good job! And yet, he'd talk to clients and tell them he'd be at their house at a specific time knowing he'd never make that time. I asked him once, "Why don't you just tell them the truth?" And he said, "Doesn't it sound better if I say I'll be there sooner?" Fuck man. Just...just...fuck.