Batman Eternal #43

Fighting crime is only Batman's second reason for patrolling at night. Voyeurism is the first.

Hush was a boring ass boring villain who was boring but he made sense as the main antagonist in this story because he knew Batman's secret identity. A lot of the shit going down is targeting Batman in such a way that the main antagonist must know a lot of Batman's secrets. Therefore the bad guy must be Owlman from the Crime Syndicate. Or Superwoman's baby. Oh man, how great would that reveal be!

This issue begins with Batman and Bluebird on patrol together. Did she pick that name simply so Batman has to think of happiness every time he calls her by name? Did she choose the name to make fun of Batman's depression? "I'm happy go lucky and cute and you're a big sourpuss grumpface!"

Bluebird's second assignment is to keep Stephanie Brown safe. Her first assignment, judging by the eyeball comment, was to read Batman's Big Book of Things You Can Do To Villains That Aren't Technically Killing Them.

Since last issue ended with Catwoman capturing Stephanie and this issue begins with Stephanie in Batman's clutches (in a good way. Not that good of a way, sicko!), Batman #28 must have happened between Batman Eternal #42 and Batman Eternal #43. It mostly makes sense if you go back and read it now. Plus Batman leaves a clue in his dialogue when he says there are 43 people on the floor of Selina's casino! See? He's telling you when to read Batman #28! Unless it was Bluebird who counted the people. I just reread it and I can't remember!

Spoiler has been left with Cullen in "one of the safest buildings in Gotham." Is it the 900 block that was full of Man-Bats some time back? Is it safe because it was built upon an ancient Micmac burial ground? Perhaps it's the most rundown part of Gotham and owned by Bruce Wayne who is keeping it rundown so that none of the crime families want anything to do with it but Batman still cleans out all of the street crime to keep it one of the safest and cheapest places to live in the city?!

Inside the safe house, Cullen and Stephanie pause in the middle of playing Double Dragon to discuss the different flavors of tea like black or the other ones.

Stephanie and Harper don't exactly get along because Harper wanted to be a sidekick so she buys into everything Batman is about but Stephanie was forced into being a costumed person just to stay alive and has also probably seen all of the injuries Batman has given her father over the years so she's a little bit anti-bat. Plus she just spent some time with Selina Kyle who probably dumped all of her Batman problems on her. Now I wish I was tied up in Catwoman's lair listening to her tell me all of her big fuckfight stories with the Batman!

The story is providing some flashback material to fill in the details surrounding the rescue of Spoiler in Batman #28.

Red Robin tells Harper the plan to find Catwoman's casino and to infiltrate it. All the right plot points are touched upon to explain why things happened the way they happened in Batman #28. Harper has to be the one to enter the casino since Catwoman has a scanner that will identify all known associates of Batman. So that explains why Batman went on this mission with Harper whom he chastises in the middle of the battle for having been training with his sidekicks. At least this version of the story gives us some scenes between Catwoman and Spoiler this time. I guess those...hee hee hee...scenes couldn't be shown before because they...giggle giggle...would have been...snicker snicker snicker...spoilers.

God I hate myself.

Selina is correct. As I've pointed out over and over and over and over again, everybody in DC Comics is motivated by Daddy Issues.

And then Batman #28 happens. I highly recommend pulling it out and giving it a jerk reread. It's not like it's needed since this story hits all the beats that need to be hit but I think it makes Batman and Harper's team-up more enjoyable. This whole scene is just lots of fun. I can't wait to see Harper and Damian working together!

Harper's take on the Spoiler rescue.

As we saw at the beginning of the issue, Spoiler goes with Batman. She doesn't plan on telling Batman all of her secrets for some reason but I'm sure she'll cave in time. Probably when she and Harper stop baring their fangs at each other and begin licking each other instead. That was a cat metaphor and not a sex thing, perverts!

Oh, and the licking happens fast once the cats are comfy on the couch.

Earth-3 Owlman! And his sidekick, Superwoman's baby!

Harper Row makes a good sidekick. I hope she continues to work with Batman and Robin as Bluebird. And I hope that she remains "in training" for a long time instead of just suddenly making her just as good at fighting and acrobatics as all of the other sidekicks. Every mission Batman goes on doesn't have to be the most dangerous mission ever. There are a lot of low level Gotham villains that would be perfect for Harper's skill level. Like all of the ones I can't think of right now other than The Mad Hatter who she already beat up. Except he's a fairly dangerous psychotic that may have already killed more residents of Gotham than even The Joker at this point! Harper was lucky she didn't get killed on her very first night wearing her Bluebird suit.

Batman Eternal #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue made a nice companion piece to Batman #28, filling in just the right amount of gaps, repeating scenes with just enough of a different perspective or dialogue to keep it fun and interesting, and it revealed all of the things that couldn't be revealed a year ago. And I, for one, thoroughly enjoyed the manga/anime inspired art and the artist's tips of the hat to the genre. Everybody was just so cute it was disgusting.

Batman Eternal #42

Bluebird's identity is easier to figure out than Superman's.

Last issue was disgusting and we shan't talk about it any longer. Because it was full of semen! At least my issue was.

Harper Row has donned her sidekick costume because she needs to save all of the other sidekicks from The Mad Hatter's treachery! The exclamation point at the end of that sentence tells you how exciting last issue was and that if you missed it, you should feel empty inside. Now Harper is running across the rooftops like a Batkid. She's got what it takes to save the day! The skills (kind of)! The intelligence (her best attribute after her butt!)! The know-how!

Okay, maybe not the know-how. You're supposed to crash through that, stupid!

Harper has built a suit that repels nanobots. She's going to be rich! Every hero in the DC Universe except for Hawkman who currently wants to fuck a woman filled with nanobots will want to buy one! But instead of going on the Shark Tank to be scammed by multimillionaire scammers, she's going to use it herself and save the day. Or save the Batkids' day, anyway. I think there is too much day to be saved in Batman Eternal for a newly minted, wet behind the ears sidekick.

Meanwhile Spoiler wakes up in a strange room without her Spoiler costume. It took me literally eighteen years to figure out who she was without her costume on. And don't get excited thinking she was all tits and vagina swinging all over the room. She was wearing clothes but they weren't her Spoiler costume kind of clothes. Just a tank top and sweats.

Stephanie's mom sent Killshot to recover her and keep her safe before one of the other bounty hunters found her. Ha ha! Killshot! I bet Snyder and all the other guys writing this book had a good laugh about using him as the bounty hunter. What a stupid fucking name! The only way it could have been dumber is if they had used White Rabbit!

That's obviously a threat. From my experience, mothers are awful people! I hope my mother doesn't know about this blog!

Meanwhile Harper is completely fucking up her rescue attempt. She falls on her butt. Then she falls on her butt again. Then she gets the attention of The Mad Hatter. Then she shows her butt and it's definitely sidekick worthy.

See? Even Bowl Cut likes it.

By the way, the nanobots still look like semen flying all over the room. Everybody else's semen comes out in thick, glowing ropes, right?

Who else grew up in the 70s and had that Spider-man web making stuff? I know I seem to be a DC Man since I'm reading all the New 52 stuff but I grew up wanting to be Spider-man. I loved the cartoon and I had the Spider-Man Mego and some ship or something. Maybe I just used a ship from some other line of toys and called it the Spider-Ship? Anyway, the Spider-man web stuff came in a little tube that looked just like a crazy glue tube. And you'd squeeze a little out and stick it on a leaf and pull it along while squeezing the tube and stick it on another leaf and presto! Instant one strand of web that looked like a homeless guy just whipped out his half-erect cock and splashed pre-cum all over the bushes. Not that I realized that as a little tyke. But if you want proof that parents weren't uptight fucks in the 70s like they are today, that Spider-man web kit is proof. No parents ever tried to get it pulled off the market because it looked like their child was covered in semen. And they weren't fucking naive either like kids today like to think anybody born pre-1994 was. They probably just raised an eyebrow and looked at each other and laughed and finished off another box of wine. Nowadays, one fucking Playdoh dispenser looks like an erect cock and people go crazy!

Harper tricks The Mad Hatter into thinking she likes him and then she shouts, "Ha ha! Friend zoned!" and she kicks his hat off. Then The Mad Hatter falls down screaming, "I should have listened to the Meninists!"

Oh Harper Row. I would Friend Zone you so fucking hard!

If "Meninist" is a play on "Feminist," shouldn't it be "Menifist"? Or Men-I-Fist, amirite?!

Harper Row destroys The Mad Hatter's gigantic phallus with just a thought and it withers away into nothing. And all the children are free! Hooray! I guess. I kind of liked when they were all in one place and out of the way.

Batman arrives in time to feel like he helped stop Jervis. He discovers that Harper Row is a better detective than he is but only when she's investigating The Mystery of Her Brother's Stupid Butt. In Mad Hatter's pocket, Batman finds another one of the poorly printed invitations to the destruction of Gotham City. Those invitations really are boring. A monk must have designed them. Who does Batman know that's a monk and avoids all frills and bells and whistles and really cute fonts and possibly a little monkey drawn in the corner with a speech bubble saying, "Monkeys like butt secks!"

Harper tells Red Robin that it's been her lifelong dream to be a sidekick, ever since she saved Batman's life with a car battery. But Batman was always, "Blah blah blah!" Which was his long-winded way of saying "No." But now they all have to accept her because she solved the mystery and saved the children! Also, Batman said, "Hm." That's practically a guarantee of sidekickmanship! It wasn't like he said "-tt-"! That would have been bad!

And then Selina arrives at Stephanie's mom's house and captures her. The story is almost up to the preview story from a year ago!

Batman Eternal #42 Rating: No change. Doesn't this have to be over in ten weeks? Am I wrong about that? Shouldn't it only be a one year story?! I'm getting nervous! I've also figured out who the big bad villain is! It's Alfred! He probably printed up the invites on the shitty little dot matrix printer in his tiny little room in Arkham Manor because Alfred isn't allowed to use the Batcomputer for his own personal projects. Which might also be part of the motive for wanting to tear Batman down.