Batman and Robin Eternal #12

This cover disturbs me even if that isn't an erection in Batman's pants.

In Batman Eternal, Snyder, Tynion, and Company spent way too many issues not answering the questions that readers wanted answered. I forget most of the questions everybody was desperate to know the answer to but I know one of them was "Who is behind it all because it's obviously not Cluemaster and if it is fuck you?!" They spent fifty issues beating around the bush before answering that question! I've heard that Batman and Robin Eternal is only going to be 26 issues so isn't it about time that they reveal who Mother built to be the best Robin ever?! I don't think there are any other questions than that because we all know Batman didn't actually requisition a Robin because he as unhappy with Dick but because he was trying to stop Mother. And we all know that Batman didn't really kill the parents of that girl in Egypt because Batman doesn't know how to shoot a gun. I suppose some readers might also be wondering why Harper Row is so important to the mystery but I didn't want to bring that up because I can't answer that question and can't make a joke about it. Not that I can't think of some funny ways to make Bluebird sound irrelevant! I totally can! But who wants to piss off all the Harper Row fans?! I pissed off a Voodoo fan once and a Wildstorm fan once and a Twat Lobo fan once (or twice (or three times)) and a Deathstork fan once and a Batman fan once and some Marcus To fans once and Cullen Bunn once and I really didn't like having to pretend that they didn't hurt my feelings when they Internet Screamed at me.

This issue begins where the last issue left off which can't last long, can it? Isn't the format of the weekly comic to forget about the characters who were in the spotlight the week before to concentrate on characters you don't give a fuck about only to begin giving a fuck about them by the end of the issue so that you can be pissed the week following when the story has changed direction yet again?! Not that I'm complaining because last issue left off with Dick about to discover the identity of Mother's Made-to-order Robin, if his Spyral tech didn't wind up killing him and The Sculptor during the Mindshare.

Whoops!

Dick and The Sculptor wind up chasing each other through a mash-up of both of their thoughts. I'm going to put my Monkees playlist on Shuffle while I read this wacky chase scene. Some of you might prefer "Yakkity Sax" or something from Scooby Doo. I bet there's a scene where they're in a hallway with a bunch of doors and they run in some and out others and then Frankenstein will pop out of one and Dick will come out in a towel and then The Sculptor will come out chased by feral dogs.

Before getting to the bit where somebody just fucking tells me who the mystery Mothered Robin is, The Sculptor tells her origin story which is also the origin story of Mother's organization. In the beginning, there was Mother. Then Mother created David Cain. Then she created a helpmeet for David Cain and that was The Sculptor. David's job was to kill the families of the selected youths, to orphan them and bring them into Mother's organization. The Sculptor used her telepathic powers to shape the minds of the children so they could become the products Mother needed them to become. Then they trained and did all of that other crap that evil leagues do. The children grew up and were sold or placed into positions of power or simply let loose to be called upon when needed. Mother's children were everywhere. And still are.

After Sculptor explains Mother's business model, she gives Dick the knowledge to find Mother. And then she finally gets around to the important bit about Batman's purchase!

Oh boy! Here it comes!

Or does it? I mean, do I really believe I'm going to turn the page to discover the name of the ultimate Robin that Batman purchased so long ago? If I had to guess, it coincides with the question I couldn't answer earlier. It must be Harper Row. Perhaps that's why Batman tried so hard to dissuade her from being Robin. He wanted to give her as much of a chance as possible to escape Mother's plans for her. Sure, she'd have to be really young at the time but building a proper Robin takes years! This might also answer the question about Batman murdering the Egyptian couple. He probably had to prove himself in some way so he faked up that incident and had Wayne Enterprise build an android Egyptian child that he could present to Mother as the child he orphaned! Is that too much to believe even for a comic book?

Batman does agree to kill so that he can be at the birth of his Robin. Dick earnestly believes he's watching Batman buying into Mother's scheme because Dick is obviously a stupid asshole.

Of course there can be no other explanation at all! Batman murdered because Dick was an incompetent little shit. The end!

Dick breaks the connection believing that Batman is a cold blooded killer as opposed to believing that everybody who would have these memories truly believes Batman is a cold blooded killer. Unless Dick is pretending to believe these things in the same way that Batman pretended to be working with Mother so that if The Sculptor were setting him up, she would truly think he was falling for it! That sounds more reasonable! That's what I choose to believe because I know Dick better than to believe he believes what the comic wants me to believe he believes!

Meanwhile, Cassandra Cain totally just murdered all of the children in Mother's Nursery because I saw all the circumstantial evidence pointing to her as the killer and there can be no other explanation at all! She's a monster!

Batman and Robin Eternal #12 Rating: No change. So that's it then! Batman is a murdering prick! No need to read any more issues because it's been settled and who wants to read any more stories about a guy who murders people but then tells other people not to murder people. He might as well be a politician! Unless, of course, Batman didn't actually kill that family in Egypt. No, no. It's patently obvious by the way the story was told that it happened and the narrative isn't manipulating me into thinking something is true that isn't. That would be dishonest! So I guess I won't be reading anymore Batman comic books! Instead I'm just going to read Punisher comics and draw little pointy ears on his head and a bat symbol on his chest and write "BATMAN" over "The Punisher" on the cover.

This has been a free taste of my wonderful reviews! This one is free to, you know, try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Collin Kelly (co-writer of Batman Eternal) said about my Batman and Robin Eternal #10 Review: “'It’s like mainlining the I Ching while slamming your dick in The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick.' This review forever.” The mainlining the I Ching part was from my review and he was quoting me and now I'm quoting him quoting me. So don't be too confused by that part. If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11

Cover by Brendan McCarthy if he were doing a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

I know the cover isn't by Brendan McCarthy. It's only a pale reminiscence of a memory of a shade of something McCarthy could put together. That doesn't mean I don't like it, Guillem. Don't start fucking getting quiet on me because you think I'm insulting your work. Buck up, Hasbro. That's my new nickname for everybody: Hasbro. I've just decided on it.

Harper and Dick have just met a woman named The Sculptor in David Cain's house. She apparently wanted to be found but if I were a supervillain and a hero walked into my home, I'd also be all, "Oh! Hey! You finally figured out where I live! Took you long enough! I left so many clues! Gosh, you must be a dum-dum!" Then I'd call the police and have them arrested for trespassing. But The Sculptor seems to really have wanted to be found. She works for Mother but she seems to think it's time Mother is stopped. I guess Mother isn't increasing salaries to cover inflation. If only every worker would turn against their employers when conditions weren't as satisfactory as we all know they should be! Stupid workers who have to work because they're in debt, have a mortgage, and need to take care of their kids! Who falls for those obvious traps set up by a capitalist system?! Idiots, that's who!

The Sculptor does a "mindshare" with Bluebird to pass on the information they need to find Mother so they can keep Mother from destroying her inventory because it can all lead back to her. By the way, her inventory is made up of children.

In the Mindshare, Harper learns Cassandra Cain's origin story. She was raised without speech. She was not spoken to and thus never learned to speak herself. Look, this is a fucking comic book, okay?! Nobody's trying to convince us that science and experience rule here! Obviously even without somebody speaking to her, she'd have made noises! David probably taught her not to make noises by punishing her for every noise she made. Which brings us to the next inconceivable part of her upbringing! The theory was that by not speaking to her, Cassandra would learn to communicate through body language. Presumably that is what happened. But since the only body she was reading in the whole time she was growing up was her father's, the only language she actually learned was that of her father's body language. When I took a speech class in college, the question came up at the end of the course if we felt more comfortable with public speaking. My answer was that I wasn't more comfortable speaking in public at all; I was just more comfortable speaking in front of that particular group of people who I'd come to know over the semester! Cassandra's method of reading people wouldn't work at all once she met a second person who wasn't a complete fucking sociopath.

Now that I got the rant over, I'm just going to go with it and buy into the story. Cassie Cain is remarkable at reading body language and can always guess what a person is about to do well before they do it.

So now she knows two body language phrases: "I'm a gigantic asshole" and "Please don't kill me I don't want to die!" Technically that's three phrases.

Cassandra becomes the best fighter in the world even though she didn't spend years traveling around the world learning from all of the masters of every style ever invented. What I'm trying to say is that she hasn't gone up against Batman yet! That might be in this origin story though because Batman had to encounter her in the past at some point to give her that pack of Batgum that started this whole story.

David Cain presents Cassandra to Mother to show her that he can sculpt children better than The Sculptor. Mother isn't so keen on his method.

Oh, so I guess she understands some language! Unless she heard his body language from behind her.

After The Orphan is chastised by Mother, Harper is taken to a memory of Cassandra in Gotham where Cassandra slits a woman's throat. But Cassandra cries after so that makes up for it. I mean, it doesn't but it allows the reader to feel sympathy for Cassandra because she obviously doesn't want to kill but she was raised to kill and now she's just as much a victim as the woman whose throat she cut. Sort of. I mean, she's not dead or anything so she's not really "as much a victim" as the dead woman. But all the right things were said about her past to make people feel sorry for her and want to hug her and forgive her for murdering the woman who they know nothing about but who was probably a corporate CEO cheating her employees so fuck her.

Harper's last image in the Mindshare is of Batman confirming his purchase of a new Robin. Dick yanks her out of the Mindshare before she can see the new Robin so now Dick has to risk doing the Mindshare himself. He just can't let it go, can he? So Batman wanted a better Robin?! So what! He obviously couldn't find a better one because look at what he wound up with after Dick left? Jason and Tim! The only way to get a better Robin was to ejaculate into a condom and not throw it away somewhere where Talia al Ghul wouldn't have access to it!

The issue ends with Dick and The Sculptor tumbling into a Mindshare fucked up by Dick's Spyral technology. It just teases us with the identity of Batman's purchased Robin! It just pulls its underwear most of the way down its completely shaved pubis so that the top of its turgid member pokes out of its underwear and expects us to just sit there and not shove anything down our throats! Now I just have to spend all week bluebrained with this unrevealed knowledge?! Jerks!

Batman and Robin Eternal #11 Rating: No change. This was The New 52 Origin Story of Cassandra Cain and not much else. She was abused but it made her the greatest fighter in the world so it was probably worth it. I mean, of course it wasn't worth it and I'm crying my eyes out here and not rolling them at all! I suppose if I had some sort of Nanny Complex or weird Munchhausen By Fictional Proxy Syndrome, I'd be all into Cassie as my new favorite character. Also I used MBFPS incorrectly simply because I wanted to use it. I'm writing these words and I'll manipulate them in any way I want! Also if you thought it sounded right, forget what I just said because I was lying and it totally works in context.

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