Deathstroke #20

Slade has had so many last stands I've lost count. But then I can only count up to six anyway.

The Review!
I realized something years ago but I'm just now giving it voice through typed words: I don't want people on Tumblr reading my comic book commentaries! They constantly misunderstand everything and get way too involved in their stupid feelings for fictional characters! Although it is entertaining when somebody who writes about Superboy sucking a different character's cock every day gets angry at me for using the Superboy Tag incorrectly! And I'll never forget the Deathstork fan who went apoplectic when I pointed out Deathstork is a rapey amoral dick who really doesn't love his children as much as he wants people to think he loves them. Seriously? How many other loving parents do you know who have killed their children? I mean ones you know personally and haven't seen on Dateline! Sometimes people think I'm actually mad at them when I respond to something they've said because I find hyperbolic anger funny. I can't blame them for thinking that though! That would be a total dick move by me and I'm not a dick. I'm an asshole. It's a subtle difference! This isn't much of a review of Deathstork, is it? Well, I haven't even read it yet! But I'm willing to predict how the comic book will be: terrible! It hasn't been good since Liefeld was writing it! And it wasn't good then either! But it was fun to write about Liefeld's art! He was so terrible at it! And I'm not just saying that to be one of the cool people who think it's cool to make fun of Rob Liefeld because they're cool. I'm saying it because Liefeld's art is objectively bad. Maybe it's just that he's always fucking too lazy to draw well and maybe he can draw well when he wants to prove a point. But usually he doesn't and I think that means always that he can't. He once drew Slade with no left leg because he was copying the art from an old Teen Titans comic book and forgot to copy the lower half of a soldier's leg after a branch blocked part of it!

Anyway, who's up for a return of Deathstork's War Journal?!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on Danger Island, an aptly named island full of danger and also surrounded by water! So descriptive and apt! It's where the Dead Bastards live and Slade really wants to kill them. So he's visiting and killing them as he visits. He's also decided to write about it in his War Journal.

Slade usually makes a big deal about his reputation and how he always completes a job and about how his word is his bond and how he only kills for money. But today is opposite day because Slade is breaking his oath to Ra's while also killing everybody on Danger Island for free and it's the weekend so he's not on the clock at all. But all of this takes place seventeen hours after the comic book really begins, so the part where Deathstork scribbles into his War Journal, "The devil can kiss my ass," won't actually happen for awhile. Maybe when the story loops back around to that bit, I'll draw a stick figure rimming out the devil stick figure while jerking himself off. Since stick figures are mostly sticks, you probably won't be able to tell what's happening except for the fact that I just told you what will be happening. Now when you see it, you'll probably throw up.

Slade is angry at Ra's al Ghul because Ra's thinks they made one oral contract and Slade thinks they made another. Ra's doesn't care because he has a League of Lawyer Assassins to take on the case if it goes to "court". Slade seems angry because he wants people to think he loves his children and is trying to keep them safe but he really only loves for people to think he loves his children. For some reason. I don't know why he's so obsessed with those brats anyway. Why aren't they off in DC's version of Degrassi High making teenage fans cream their underwear over their relationship exploits? They're getting in the way of really good murder and mayhem in this thing!

Rose needs to suck Ra's's cock once per day or she'll die. I guess Jericho is hanging around hoping to catch whatever Rose has so he can suck Ra's's cock every day too. Slade isn't happy about it because even though he loves his children (supposedly!), he doesn't think they should be allowed to make decisions of their own, especially if they differ from his decisions.

How does that eye patch even stay on? Staples? And can women poop out of the front? Just asking for no reason.

Slade decides to give his children a parental talk even though he has an erection.

I think it was the blood flowing through their veins line that got Slade horny.

It's nice to see characters who can't imagine anything better for themselves than the same old bullshit their parents have struggled with. It's making me second guess my decision to forge my own life rather than accept that my drunk father's drunk blood flows through my veins! Why wasn't it futile for me to oppose my drunk nature?! I'm a failure!

I hope Slade is old again in his Rebirth comic book! Maybe I'll read that next because I just can't wait to see the scene where he finds he's grown old again and checks his balls.

Ra's tells his new minions that it's time to go to war because they have a bigger war that they really need to get to after this war. So chop chop, everybody! Literally! Also bang bang!

Back on Danger Island, the brains of the Dead Bastards discuss their plans for defending their island against Mystasia's intuition of a coming attack.

According to the map on the wall, their headquarters is a 3rd Grade classroom.

Victor is a really smart leader because after they all suggest how to defend the island and they all shoot down everybody else's suggestions, Victor comes up with the best plan: kill Deathstroke first! Hey, Victor? I think that was the goal of all the other plans that were more plans than just, "I don't know. I guess we kill him good?"

Some of you might be confused about what's going on in this story so I'll try to clear things up a bit. You see, Deathstork made enemies with Lawman because Lawman was dead on a battlefield and Slade left his corpse there to rot instead of dying trying to save the corpse. But Lawman wasn't totally a corpse and was healed. But he didn't think, "Thankfully Slade left me on the battlefield where I was found and resurrected by people with the technology to make me a super person rather than dragging me along with him where I surely would have bled out in some hidey-hole as he tried to survive!" No, he thought, "Fucking Slade! What a dick checking my pulse wrong! I mean, I might have been dead with no pulse but he should have thought of something! No I will forget all of my dreams and desires for my own success and hunt Slade down until he is a big dead dum-dum!" Victor was Slade's partner who wanted Slade to make the Dead Bastards even more famous and rich. But then Lawman was all, "I'll make you more famous and rich if you literally stab Slade in the back!" So Victor did! And they all rejoiced! Except Slade got away! And now Slade wants to kill them because they want to kill him because he once went about living his own life. It all makes so much sense that I can't understand how anybody wouldn't think this was the best book ever written.

"It's his semen!"

Deathstork's plane is shot down on the beach but Jericho uses his body possessing powers to make a shield around them. The rest of the planes land away from the crashed plane and Lawman, watching on the monitor, is all, "Well, those guys in that plane are dead! Better just ignore it now and turn our attention to the other planes. No way we'll be taken for fools!" Then Slade is all, "Let's go take Lawman and Victor and Mystasia and Snakebite as if they were fools!" Rose is all, "Great idea dad!", as she wipes semen from her lips.

Deathstork's plan is to cut off the head of the snake to kill the body. Is that a direct quote from The Art of War? Probably! The only other book it could be from is The Prince. Not The Little Prince, you jerk! That would make that book so different I might actually like it! I mean, who doesn't like The Little Prince?! It teaches so little by doing so much! I mean the opposite of that! I think. Whatever, everybody likes that book so I should probably just point out that it's been a favorite of mine since whenever it first came out. Like 2008 or something?

The League of Assassins must have sent their Monkey Assassin Squad to Danger Island because they get destroyed by three opponents. Not like the battle on the beach matters anyway. The real battle is the one where Slade will kill Victor and then Ra's will kill Slade. Then Ra's will forget to check Slade's pulse and he'll walk away and then Slade will be all, "Jericho? Jericho? Did you save me?" And Jericho will be all, "Yes, father. Although I don't know why. You don't even know that my name is Joseph!"

Instead of killing Victor immediately, Slade threatens Victor long enough for Victor to push a button and drop through a trapdoor and escape into the jungles of Danger Island. I guess Deathstork's reflexes aren't what they used to be. Or this story needed to be extended a few more pages with a chase scene. Or Bonny was just, "Fuck it! Why did I have Deathstork go somewhere totally far away from the people readers really want to see him fight? I guess after Victor gets away, I'll just have them teleport back to the beach where they could have been anyway if their plane hadn't have crashed so they could sneak off to fail to kill Victor and wind up right back at the fight agains Mystasia, Lawman, and Snakebite!" So, as you may have surmised, after Victor flees, Deathstork, Jericho, Rose, and Ra's somehow appear on the beach and join in the big battle.

After all the trouble Slade had in previous issues, this time he simply stabs Mystasia in one panel, de-stings Snakebite in another, shoots Lawman in the chest in one more, and cuts off Victor's hand. Why couldn't he have been this effective five issues ago?

Ra's stops the fight to point out that this was just a big job interview and they all have jobs if they want them! If they don't, they will be killed. I've had worse job interviews. But just as Victor is going to accept the terms, Deathstork kills him which pisses of Ra's for some reason. Who cares about Victor Ruiz as a member of the League? Does Ra's need that many new people to suck his dick on a daily basis? Was Victor the greatest dicksucker in all the world?

Before Ra's can kill Deathstork in Deathstork's own book (which would be so humiliating), Jericho uses his powers--which I'm starting to suspect are more than just the ability to possess people--to force Ra's to stop fighting. He then reveals that he knows Ra's lied about Rose's life being saved by daily doses of Ra's's semen and that he got them to swear allegiance under false pretenses. What?! How dare he! He's practically a villain now in my book. Ra's decides to let Deathstork's family go because who needs rebellious assholes in your army. It's what killed the United States' draft!

And with the end of Deathstork's long road, he finally realizes that his story is a worse story when his kids are involved. And then through sheer force of will, he grows old again so that Rebirth can start where this book should never have stopped starting. Or something.

Deathstroke #19

Why does the Lawman want revenge against Snakebite's crotch?

The Review!
This comic book made me think bad things. Really bad things! Bad things that no person ever wants to admit to thinking if they want to win the Holier-Than-Everybody-Else War that is going on in the world! But guess what? I survived! Survived to think more inappropriate things next time! That's a good thing because the next comic book I'm going to read is Cullen Bunn's Sinestro and I know I'm going to need a lot of inappropriate words and phrases to describe the writing in that one! As to describing this book, it was the usual crap it's been since David Finch took over. Or was it Tony S. Daniel who was writing it? Whatever. They're basically the same guy. Both of them draw fish-mouthed men drenched in shadows. Both of them draw woman who look like fourteen year old girls. Both of them love using double splash pages. And neither of them can fucking write. I can't really criticize James Bonny too harshly here because he's just remaining true and emulating Daniel's style. Unless it was Finch.

The Commentary!
Deathstroke has been mishandled for decades now. The most fascinating part about him isn't the love he has for his children. I hate stories that have his kids in them. If Jericho and Rose and Grant were so fascinating, why don't they get their own stupid comic books?! How about letting Deathstroke's book be about Deathstroke's life? His kids just keep getting in the way! They're liabilities! But for some reason, Marv Wolfman had no idea how to keep Douchéstork motivated without involving the kids. Even after Grant and Joseph were dead, Slade pouted about for about fourteen issues before discovering he had a new, still alive child! What a mistake! Now instead of reading macho man-stories about a bad-ass mercenary who kills wantonly, I have to read about a guilt-ridden father trying to prove his pretend love by keeping his children who hate him safe. I wish Slade would just kill Jericho again!

Currently, Ra's al Ghul is offering to let Rose die for the low, low price of having nothing whatsoever to do with Deathstroke ever again! I'd take that deal, Slade! I'd even throw in Joseph! But no! Slade wants Rose to live so now he has to trade his pretend love for his kids for Rose's life. Lame.

When looking online for a model of Rose for this shot, Paolo must have spelled "dying woman in pain" as "woman having orgasm."

Ra's just happens to have a panacea in his hip pocket. I wanted to type "a panacea for everything" but everybody would think I'm stupid instead of referencing the stupid local news reporter I once saw whose flub has now entered my and the Non-Certified Spouse's lexicon.

I am not going to ask what the panacea is made from. Looking at it, I already know.

Ra's confirms my suspicions that the elixir is his semen when he tells Deathstroke, "The effects are temporary. She will require a daily dose of the elixir, provided by me." I guess that's why the first dose is in a tube. The second dose is going to require consent.

More Dead Bastards begin showing up so Slade agrees to Ra's al Ghul's rapey terms. Jericho has to help hold Rose's mouth open so Deathstroke is on his own in the fight to come.

I realize as Slade kills another five guys that I've been forgetting to keep track of his Kill Count! I guess it doesn't matter since Rebirth will probably cause him to remember ten years worth of other kills he made in the past and screw up the whole system.

"Take the panacea, Rose! Take it all!"

Jericho enters Rose's mind to coax her back to the world of the living. She's hanging out on a mind-beach in the same outfit has Haley of the Bloodlines Gang: half a pair of shorts and white paint in the shape of a tank top. Jericho is all, "You have to live again, Rose! Can you smell that salty ocean air? Inhale it! Gargle it! Swallow it all!" And just like that, she's alive again! At least until she refuses to suck Ra's al Ghul's cock tomorrow.

Back in the non-rapey part of the story, Lawman and Snakebite have crawled out from under the rubble and challenged Deathstroke to hand-to-hand combat. Deathstroke does not pull out his guns and shoot them in the face. Instead, he drops his weapons and agrees to their after-school terms.

Snakebite stands aside for some reason and waits for Deathstroke to kill Lawman before he gets a turn. The fistfight goes something like this:

Deathstroke: "You're a doody head!"
Lawman: "You are!"
Deathstroke: "Nuh-uh!"
Lawman: "Are too!
Deathstroke: "Take that back!"
Lawman: "No way!"
Deathstroke: "Ewwww! I'm so mad!"

Between their witty banter, they punch each other a lot. Slade's mask breaks early into the fight so the reader can see him grimace. It wouldn't be the same without the grimace! I would be all, "I wonder what Slade is feeling? Is he upset? Happy? Noncommittal?"

A slight feeling of annoyance that you had to drop everything in your life to go after her so nobody would think you don't care which you totally don't?

Slade finally gets the upper hand and is ready to kill both Lawman and Snakebite when Mystasia finally figures out how to reform from mist. She blinds Deathstroke so that Lawman and Snakebite can kill him easier. But she also makes sure to tell Deathstroke that the blindness is temporary. Was that a joke? Temporary because he'll be dead soon? No, I think that was just so the readers know Slade's vision will return after he kills everybody while blind. He has heightened senses, remember!

Jericho and Rose appear and Victor commands the Dead Bastards to retreat. I don't think they were that scared of Rose and Jericho. I think it was Ra's standing behind them that made them flee. Luckily Victor yells out the latitude and longitude of Danger Island so that everybody can easily find them.

Everybody heads back to Nanda Parbat (the Arrow television version and not the real one that actually exists in the DC Universe (you know what I mean by real!). There Slade discovers that the deal with Ra's to work for the League of Assassins included Rose and Jericho. He's actually surprised and upset by this! How did he think Rose was going to get her daily tonic if she were working as a waitress in Eureka?

Deathstroke #18

Slade's finally been reunited with his kids, What's-her-name and the other one!

The Review!
If you're a fan of bad writing and Rose's camel-toe, you'll love this issue! More things you might like about this issue: fake fatherly love, thin eye-patches, dresses that cling to every orifice, and stupid names! It's a cavalcade of things to make fun of!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Slade Wilson hiding in plain sight because he says that's a good thing to do when you're being hunted. And he's a super smart mercenary with brain enhancements so why would I argue with him? I think the main conceit of his argument is that nobody would kill somebody when it isn't a challenge. Obviously he only thinks that way because he lives in a comic book where a villain who has a hero dead to rights would rather give the hero a fighting chance than to kill him. That way heroes can always survive! Villains are so stupid! Except for Deathstroke because he has brain enhancements, remember? Plus I don't think I'm supposed to think of him as a villain even though he raped a little girl. I guess he's a hero because the world isn't black and white? Sometimes a guy who rapes a young girl and then gets her killed is the good guy? I guess? I usually wouldn't think like that but a lot of Deathstroke fans have messaged me with things like "STOP CRITICIZING A FICTIONAL CHARACTER AND GO KILL YOURSLFE!" or "STOP USING THE DEATHSTROKE TAG INCORRECTLY! YOU SHOULD ONLY USE IT FOR SLASH RPG TAGS AND NOT AS AN IDENTIFIER OF A POST THAT DISCUSSES DEATHSTROKE. ALSO KILL YOURSELF!" or "U DUN NO ANYTHING ABOUT DEATHSTORK SO SHUT UP AND KILL UR SELF." Who am I to stand in the way of that kind of passion and iron clad arguments?!

While in plain sight, Deathstroke says rather loudly, "I am heading up to my room to get in the shower where I'll be showering in the shower naked without any weapons because I'm in the shower!"

These guys are so No Homo that they don't want to check the shower for a corpse because they might see naked cock.

I've never seen three assassins more proud to have shot up a shower door! Too bad they don't have those brain enhancements I was discussing earlier or else they would have reasoned like Deathstroke did! They would have thought, "Whoa! No homo, dude! I didn't look at no guy's balls never! Plus dose guys are, like, so overconfident dat I bet he tinks we's overconfident and he's gonna fink he's ambushin' us like when we tinks he be in da shower! So I'm gonna wait and kills him when he kills the ovver two guys who are totally homo cause dey gonna look at Slade's young balls in da shower! I also wonder what stupid accent I'm finking in! Am I from Jersey or Staten Island or is I a cockney lad?"

After killing the shower vandals, Douchéstork thinks about who sent them.

Deathstroke uses literally wrong. I have proof in the next scan from last issue!


See?!

Now, I'm not one of those nerds from the Actually Tribe, so I can admit when I might be wrong. Slade might not be talking about when Lawman literally stabbed him in the front. He might be talking about when Victor stabbed him in the back in Issue #16. But I don't want to think about how Deathstroke the Comic Book makes sense! I want to purposefully misinterpret it for my own amusement!

Slade continues with the Narration Boxing which I probably should have read before all of this "stabbed in the back" stuff because in those Narration Boxes he says it was Victor. Damn it! How dare you ruin my misrepresentation of you with facts, Comic Book! I will end you!

Victor just happens to call one of the now dead thugs to check in and see if the job is done. That's convenient because you would think it would work the other way and the assassin would call Victor to tell him the job was done! Victor could have blown the whole job by calling at the wrong moment! Luckily for the plot, it allows Slade to tell Victor that Victor's men are dead and totally homo and that Douchéstork is coming for Victor.

Deathstroke and his family are currently staying in Nanda Parbat with Ra's al Ghul. Why is Ra's al Ghul living in Nanda Parbat? This isn't the television show Arrow! This is the DC Comic Book Universe! Ra's doesn't belong in Nanda Parbat! Dammit! I forgot to begin one of these sentences with "actually!" See? I'm a horrible nerd of the Actually Tribe!

In Nanda Parbat, everybody continues to call Joseph Wilson "Jericho." I don't think he's been referred to as Joseph once in this comic book. I suppose I could let it go and assume that his name is simply Jericho Wilson in The New 52. But that would mean accepting something that would stop me from pointing out what a terrible father Slade is! He doesn't even know his own son's name!

Jericho uses his power to possess somebody's body by making eye contact with them to read Lawman's mind halfway across the globe. It's a comic book so it doesn't have to make sense! Plus this is Jericho Wilson and not Joseph Wilson so maybe his powers are different. Like how he made Lawman and his cronies believe Slade and Rose disappeared in Montana! So now Slade and his kids are going to hunt down Lawman and his NOVA buddies!

Mystasia is almost as dumb a name as Snakebite and Lawman. Also it might be racist.

Slade, Rose, and Jericho easily infiltrate Mystasia's hideout where they find her in her dress that has a belly button. I figure the belly button must be sewn into the dress because if the material is that clingy, it should show her nipples too. Maybe she doesn't have nipples? I wonder if clings so tight to her behind that you can see her butthole?

Surprisingly, Mystasia is Asian and she can turn into mist! No wait. I used surprisingly wrong.

The battle doesn't last long since Lawman again takes over Rose Wilson's mind. To break the connection, Jericho has to use his new totally made-up power that he's never had before ever! But he doesn't know what that power will do to Rose! So concentrate your attack on Lawman's brain, you dum-dum! Jericho doesn't do that and instead blows up Mystasia's headquarters with the power it takes to save Rose. But now she's going to die unless Slade lets Ra's al Ghul save her! I guess Ra's is the only one who knows the way to the hospital. But if Slade accepts Ra's's ride to the hospital, he'll be forever in Ra's al Ghul's debt! And that's exactly where he's been trying not to be! So I guess next issue will be Rose's funeral.

Deathstroke #16

I'm already over the Martha jokes.

Rating: This comic book isn't worth reading. You know when it was worth reading? Back when Rob Liefeld was writing and drawing it. Oh boy! That was so much fun! No wait. That wasn't worth reading either. But it was fun writing about it! Deathstork needs another revamp that goes a lot further than making him younger and his balls smoother.

• To me, the worst thing about the "Martha? What do you mean Martha?!" scene in Batman Loves Superman is that it makes a mockery of the exact moment of the film that should be a revelation to Batman. It just shows what kind of a tone deaf director Zack Snyder is and how he has nobody around him willing to edit him. Because from that one scene alone, I can picture the moment he discovered that Clark and Bruce's mothers shared the same name. A really dim fucking light bulb went off over his head and he pulled a notebook from his shirt pocket to scribble, "Sperman and Bathman finds out mothers both Martha. MINDS BLOWN!" And that was it. He based a fucking movie on that scene. I went into this movie ready for the worst because I hate when heroes battle each other. But I was surprised that by making Superman such a careless asshole in Man of Steel, the premise works in this movie. How could nobody in the production of this movie pull Zack Snyder aside and tell him to make that scene more powerful. Drop the whole "Martha" angle and let Lois get there a tiny bit sooner. Let Lois show her love and concern for the human behind the alien. Let Batman see Superman's humanity without this clunker of a revelation that Zack thought was a mind blowing coincidence that the entire movie could turn on. That scene should have been emotional. Instead it's become an internet meme.

• Still, it doesn't ruin the movie for me because I'm not a four year old.

• This issue begins with a flashback scene to show what an asshole friend Rose Wilson can be. Some dick named Lawman shows up at her door, tells her that her friend is going to betray her, and Rose allows him to kill her friend without any more evidence than a dick with skullhead and a lousy nickname tells her so. She and her father deserve each other. I don't think Rose knows her brother's actual name either!

• Deathstroke is still young because that's another dim bulb idea that some other asshole thought would be an exciting development. Instead it's meant nothing and done nothing to make the writing on Deathstork any better. I guess DC doesn't think old characters sell. Well, guess what, DC? Uninteresting characters don't sell either!

• This issue is called "Blood From A Stone" so I guess Etrigan is going to emerge from Cyborg's butthole.

• Red Hood has been hired to "kick Deathstork's ass". I didn't realize he was in the Contract Ass-Kicking business.

Touché!

• Why is there an accent on "Douchéstroke"?

• While Douchéstork battles Red Hood, he thinks about gunslingers and takes a shot at Wild Bill Hickok for playing poker with his back to the saloon's entrance. It misses, though, because Hickok was 39 when slain and I have to think that's a pretty ripe age for a gunslinger. Also, Hickok apparently tried to change seats several times but everybody else at the Poker Table wanted to be gunslingers who lasted.

• Douchéstork loves to Narration Box during battle. It's a good thing he does or else the reader wouldn't understand why Douchéstork doesn't defeat Red Hood in two panels. I just love reading a character's internal monologue of excuses for sucking.

• Playing a game? Red Hood expressly told you that he was paid to kick your ass, dum-dum.

• Red Hood's pistols smoke like a blunderbuss. He should have them checked out. Twentieth century guns should not smoke like that.

• Douchéstork is beaten by Red Hood. Normally that wouldn't happen in his own comic book but Douchéstork has a few pages of Narration Boxes to explain why it happened this time.

• Douchéstork mentions how his daughter was kidnapped and Red Hood begins to soften up. Not enough to stop trying to beat the shit out of a guy bleeding to death. But it helps to build their relationship for later after Red Hood regains consciousness from being blown up by a rocket launcher shot by Victor Ruiz from inside a helicopter that's come to rescue Slade. Suspension of disbelief, don't fail me now!

• Victor has information on Rose's location. After the last two locations Victor gave Douchéstork were basically deathtraps, it's no surprise Douchéstork decides to investigate the third location. He and Victor head into Copper Cliff, Montana, to look for Rose while leaving Red Hood in the helicopter so he can save them after they fall into the trap.

• Guess what? It's a trap! Slade is stabbed in the back by Victor after confronting Snakebite after which Rose and Lawman appear to finish him off. I sure hope Red Hood wakes up soon!

• No I don't. That was a lie. I hope Douchéstork is killed.

Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2

It's a fart joke! With mimes! In France! Sublime!

Last issue, Roy Harper and Jason Todd accepted a job with Tara Battleworth. She works for the government or something. She's less a character and more a means to introduce new plots to the comic book. Red Hood and Arsenal can't be seen as anti-heroes anymore. They need to be accepted into the mainstream. But since Red Hood uses guns and guns kill people (or people with guns kill people which is just the douchebaggy way of saying guns kill people), Red Hood needs to be working for the law in order for his killing to be within the acceptable parameters of legalized murder. He's just a soldier and soldiers aren't responsible for the people they kill, right?

Anyway, Jason and Roy are now legit! They're likeable even! I mean, if you love Narration Box after Narration Box of them thinking things to themselves and then clarifying their thoughts to themselves and then explaining the clarifications of their thoughts to themselves. It's super hilarious and really helps the reader get into the mind of the characters. And the pictures are to get into the pants of the characters.

I want to argue about the Batcave not having a shower but I think it's the "steaming hot" that makes his statement true. Obviously Batman only takes cold showers.

Jason Todd uses some seriously lathery crotch cream! Maybe that's his shaving lotion? The entire lower half of his body must be covered in hair.

Roy Harper helps dry Jason Todd off with his napalm flame thrower. It's so cute and fun-loving! These two scamps!

The blurb introducing the characters states that Roy Harper was "laid low by his addiction to alcohol." That's too bad. I liked it better when he had an addiction to heroin. But I think the Reboot softened him up so that he only managed to be an alcoholic and not a trainspotter. Is that what you call somebody addicted to heroin? If not, why was that movie called Trainspotting?! Maybe they mentioned it in the movie but since they were speaking a foreign language most of the time, I must have missed it!

I want to say the comic book is better and more understandable if you ignore the Narration Boxes. But I can't because what the hell are they talking about?! How does Roy go from "teflon body spray" to "practically famous"?

When Jason Todd narrates "Look at this place: he's never going to grow up," I look at the place. It looks like a well-organized garage or workshop. You know who I think of when I see something like that? Adults! Particularly adult men but then I was born in 1971 and women weren't allowed in garages or workshops until around the time Danica Patrick began driving race cars.

The rest of the Narration Boxes just prove that Scott Lobdell doesn't remember anything except the sentence he's currently writing. I believe you let Roy Harper talk you into all of those things because you leave all the decision to Roy Harper, Jason Todd! Duh!

Oh hey! Here's more proof that Lobdell doesn't pay attention to anything he writes! Jason and Roy head over to ask Tara Battleworth for a job (because they don't have it yet! That bit at the end of the first issue was a sneak peek into the future) but she's rescinding her offer.

Oh really? She didn't know they were outlaws in their first encounter?

I guess the Interpol file only had good things to say about them?

Wait wait! It only gets better! Here's the moment she actually offers them a job with her:

She knows they're outlaws! She didn't need to do any more research!

I know Scott Lobdell/Red Hood/Arsenal fans will be able to do the logical contortions to explain away (or just completely ignore) little things like this. Plus I think DC's penchant for "fixing" comic books when they go to trade will take care of some of this as well. I have a feeling Lobdell continues to remain lazy in his writing because it can all be fixed up later in the trades. And these really are nitpicky things because I love to nitpick. But every bit like this builds a case to show how much a writer cares about what he's writing. To me this is just more proof (along with many more examples which can be found in the last few years of my commentaries) that Lobdell doesn't give a shit.

Back to the comic book, Roy mentions how "outlaw" fails to account for any nuance. Well, you're the one who decided to call your little outfit the Outlaws! And, might I add, I'm the one who pointed out that y'all never referred to yourselves as "outlaws" for most of the run of the comic until you suddenly began mentioning how you did call yourself "outlaws" and now it would seem to work better if you'd just kept from calling yourselves that, right? Ah, forget it! I keep trying to not be distracted by these little things and just comment on the story and characters but I can't help it! I have a compulsive need to find inconsistencies in Lobdell's work! So much so that I almost always try too hard in one or two places (like this outlaw thing!) and that always leaves me open to criticism of my criticism on that one stupid point I couldn't help making! But nobody ever goes over every point I bring up because 95% of them are unarguable!

Tara Battleworth offers to give Roy and Jason an audition. But she doesn't know their real names which seems odd since they're in her office without any kind of disguises. I guess she doesn't know you can use the "internet" to find matches of pictures of people? And that's just a tool available to anybody! She's a high powered Washington DC something or other with access to lots of secret technology! Plus she mentions how she must know everything! And after all that, Jason Todd still Narration Boxes, "I can't tell if she's bluffing. Tara Battleworth is that good." Of course she's bluffing! You're in her office out of costume! She knew who you were as soon as her cameras saw you!

Oh wait! I'm forgetting that Roy Harper is a technological genius! I'm sure he's equipped them both with some kind of Spyral face altering techno-doodad.

Now remember, kids: Tara Battleworth is that good! That's truly some of the best organic character building I've ever seen!

Hey! Let's get back to that evicted thing! Remember how they were evicted between the time they got a briefcase full of money and their battle with mimes in France (which they haven't gotten to but it'll be important in a second!)? The first issue ended with Roy and Jason battling mimes on the Eiffel Tower with a caption that said "One Week Later." I guess that means Roy invited Jason to live with him after not having paid rent for a few months. And I guess he forgot about rent after getting that briefcase full of money and spending it on a napalm gun and teflon shower gel. I guess Roy really hasn't grown up at all, has he?

"It's a thing I do for my sobriety! I buy some junk on the street, cook it up, tie myself off, and don't shoot up! Totally normal!"

The "audition" in Paris is a simple flash drive recovery from some diplomat or something. It's so easy that Red Hood and Arsenal decide to beat up a bunch of terrorists and arms dealers while they wait for the diplomat to get off of work. Tara doesn't like it.

No, they don't work for you! Not yet! This is an audition! Maybe your clients should be less concerned with why they haven't done the job yet and more concerned why you sent two untrained, untested, unloyal loose cannons on their job?

One note on the arist, Paolo Pantalena: he's trying too hard to be Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody should try to emulate Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody.

Then there's this scene over dinner in the Eiffel Tower where the Mime Swarm attacks and it makes me think this: Holy fucking shit I hate this comic book.

This comic book is less cute and clever than it thinks it is. It's more like when you start up your lawn mower and you inexplicably turn it on its side and then you get down on your hands and knees and you slowly stick out your tongue and stick it into the blades?

Red Hood and Arsenal defeat the Mimes and the guy controlling the Nanobot Mimes (always nanobots!) with his mind. But two of the mimes are saved from oblivion by Tara Battleworth. I think. I'm sure they'll become evil versions of Red Hood and Arsenal later. In the meantime, I guess Red Hood and Arsenal set up a website where people can hire them? Or maybe they're still accepting jobs from Tara Battleworth? Or...well, whatever the source, they accept a job in Detroit via the Internet. Then they say some more things that aren't funny.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really went into this issue hoping I could just read it and comment on the story without picking it apart but that failed. It always fails. It isn't totally my fault! It takes two to fail! I blame Scott Lobdell's writing as much as I blame my horribly cynical need to tear everything apart. But then what did I expect from a comic book that put a fart joke on the cover?