Action Comics #960

Superman has plumber's butt on his chest.

The Commentary!
Actually Nerds are really actuallying me to the point of distraction! The worst thing about an Actually Nerd is that they think they're the only ones who can make jokes. God forbid you dare try to fucking make a joke around an Actually Nerd! Unless, I suppose, your joke relies on heavily researched and annotated material. They also generally believe they're the only ones who have ever really thought their own opinions through so it's not rare to find an Actually Nerd is also a Devil's Advocate. Don't they know how fucking insulting it is to think a forty-four year old person hasn't been made constantly miserable by thinking and rethinking their life's decisions or their personal ethics or that one time they were taking a shit when the comic book store called to set up an interview for the job and they completely missed their chance?! My whole fucking life could have been different!

I don't mind Actually Nerds in person because they usually get the hint that I don't want to hear their fucking master's thesis on whatever facts I twisted for the stupid joke I just made due to my constant jerking off motion while they speak and by the amount of times my eyes roll back in my head. If they don't notice those things (like if the Actually Nerd is blind), I'll groan really loudly and say, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" But on the Internet, my only recourse is to reply to them with some horribly sarcastic and snarky response which they'll completely miss the point and probably Actually that as well.

I've decided the only way to avoid Actually Nerds is to stop having opinions. And since I can't stop having those, I guess I just have to deal with them.

This issue begins with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) watching Superman battle Doomsday. It's some kind of test he dreamt up to see if Superman will ever choose to use his brain over punching conflicts into submission. After Superman's encounter with Eradicator in his self-titled comic book, I think we know the answer to that quiz.

Or maybe not! Because maybe Superman won't have to defeat Doomsday this time. Maybe Lex Luthor or Wonder Woman will!

Tyler Kirkham definitely went to the same art school as David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I think it was called "School of Art and Design and Drawing Women (Fourteen Years or Younger Only)".

Let me "Actually!" myself! Actually, maybe she doesn't look that young here (although maybe she does!). It's just so similar to Finch and Daniel because her face is so smooth and her eyes so shiny and her lips so full while Clark's face is lined and his lips are practically non-existent. I'm sure his eyes would be dull as well but you can't really see them. It's like these artists at DC have never seen a man underneath good lighting and have only ever seen women under the best lighting direction in the world.

On second thought, Wonder Woman totally looks like a teenager in that scan. And Clark Kent looks like an Actually Nerd.

Wonder Woman wastes time telling Clark Kent to get medical attention when she could be stopping Doomsday. Isn't this always the way? A woman is trying to get shit done and a guy is all, "But what about me?! Take care of me! Can I call you Mother?"

I keep telling people "NO!" as well but they still insist that I pay bills, pay rent, take showers, eat, not scream at people on the streets, make an effort. It's exhausting!

Wonder Woman tells Kent that she'll get to the bottom of his existence because "the dead don't come back to life." When did she start believing that?! She knows Hades personally! She knows people can come back to life! I think what she's really saying is, "I will get to the bottom of this later and by "bottom of this," I mean your penis in my vagina."

Meanwhile, Superman continues to fight Doomsday. I can't decide if Doomsday looks cool with all of those stony protrusions or if he just looks like an out of control Amish man. Somebody put a wide brim black hat on him.

I hate the spoken phrase "black hat." Is it a hat caught in a high tree top? Or a cat?! How can you tell without cheating and looking at the lyric sheet! I also hate the spoken phrases "black eyes/black ice/black guys"! I thought my grandma was completely racist for years when I'd go drive somewhere in the cold. "Watch out for the black guys!" I kept thinking she was saying!

Somebody forgot to put in the pussy drying up sound effect.

Last time Preboot Superman fought Doomsday, he relied on his fists and he died. This time, Superman thinks, "What if I rely on my fists?!" I think maybe he has brain damage from the last time he fought Doomsday.

Wonder Woman looks so young here that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about that pussy drying up comment.

Superman decides that maybe the punching isn't the best idea. So he decides to smash buses over Doomsday's head. I guess that's technically a different tactic. Lex Luthor hasn't made an appearance yet because he's evacuating the city which takes a long time. Superman finally realizes that maybe it would be easier to take Doomsday out of Metropolis! I can't wait until he realizes he should call the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Back at the Super-Smith farm, Jon screams his fool head off and Doomsday hears him. Doomsday, apparently a pedophile, takes off through the sewers to go get him a piece of Superman's son. If you were molested by an unstoppable alien creature designed to destroy everything in its path, I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories.

For some reason, Clark Kent is still hanging around taking notes so he can write up a big story about the fight that nobody will read because they all watched the fight live on television. What is Clark Kent going to bring to the experience with his lousy words?! Will he have some insightful take on the experience that would make reading The Daily Plaent worth being bored to tears? I wonder if I should ask myself the same question! Why would anybody want to read my thoughts on a comic book that they can read themselves?! Oh shit! My pussy just dried up!

It is ingenious since the "in" prefix can turn the word into its opposite meaning! Luthor is so bad at science!

This is why people don't believe in evolution. Because they don't actually understand evolution. Although if I'm being fair to the imagined comic book concept, I suppose Doomsday's creator's plan could work but I have to wonder why he needed his "baby" to die over and over again. Instead of sending Doomsday into a harsh environment to discover he could only live without water for three days and, only after that discovery, genetically programmed Doomsday's system so that it could survive without water for four days, couldn't he have just created a Doomsday that never needs water right from the start? If he were an imaginative person, he could have created a creature that was invulnerable, immortal, super strong, and could make people cry by performing Othello. The scientist didn't need to put Doomsday through all that torture! It's not like Doomsday dying somehow changed his DNA! It was just to give the scientist an idea of what to program for and against!

Unless I'm totally understanding the Doomsday situation incorrectly! Maybe I should just pretend evolution is exactly like creationism and move on.

I've never died once and I hate all life too!

Basically Doomsday reproduces asexually but only after he dies and with the added benefit of somehow gaining new traits that prevent him from dying in the way he died previously. That's way too fucking complicated and sadistic. Doomsday's dad really should have just gone with the whole invulnerable and immortal thing.

For some reason, Doomsday hates Kryptonians more than anybody else (except maybe Booster Gold). I guess his creator was not only a sadist but a racist as well.

Superman and Wonder Woman fly off to make sure Jon and Lois are okay. It gives Lois and Diana a chance to meet so that Lois can say, "Where we come from, Wonder Woman and I are friends. Close friends." Whoa! I know what an emphasis on "close" means in this context! Now I can't wait for the new comic book, "Lois Lane, Wonder Woman's Close Friend." Is it just a coincidence that "close" and "closeted" are spelled so similarly?

Doomsday shows up to punch Wonder Woman in the face as Lois and Jon drive off to safety. I guess next issue is the big battle. But how will Superman win if Doomsday just dies and comes back and is all, "You can't punch me to death now, Brah!" Then Wonder Woman will have to choke him to death with her lasso and he'll come back and be all, "You can't choke me to death with your lasso now, Brah!" And Superman will be all, "You know what that means, right, Doomy? No danger to you during autoerotically pleasuring yourself! Have at!" Then Superman will hand Doomsday a rope and Doomsday will disappear inside of a closet and never be heard from again.

The Review!
I own the Death of Superman issue but I don't remember reading it. Which is a shame because I know I opened the bag it came in and read it. I should have just read my friend Upright's copy! If I did remember reading it, would this story be more exciting? Would I appreciate the dramatic tension more? Or would it still be just another boring fist fight that I'm being told might be the death of Superman so that I'll think it's more exciting than it really is? I wonder if Dan Jurgens was just killing time on the last few scripts as he tried to think of a way Superman could defeat Doomsday using his brains instead of his fists. My main problem with this comic book is that I know it isn't written exclusively for adults because the only scene I really want to see is the one where Wonder Woman chops Doomsday's dick off.

Action Comics #958

I trust the Superman that doesn't have the glowing red devil eyes!

The Review!
"Action Comics is putting the action back into Action Comics! Also the comics! It's a really aptly named comic book!" I wonder if DC would use that blurb for the next Action Comics Trade Paperback? I wonder if Dan Jurgens is getting paid for rewriting the Death of Superman? Usually when I get something wrong at work and have to redo it, my boss just gets really angry and makes me stay until it's fixed even if I'm off the clock! I wonder if I can send my original copy of Death of Superman back to DC for a refund since it was obviously defective and needed upgrading. Not that I think Superman is going to die this time so technically it isn't a new version of The Death of Superman. It's more like The Death of Superman That Never Was Because He Didn't Die This Time by Dan Jurgens, 80s Robot. I wonder if Dan Jurgens speaks like Max Headroom? I wonder if he fucks like Max Headroom? I wonder what Max Headroom fucks like?! Anyway, if you like action and you like comics, you probably should have realized that this comic book is right up your alley.

The Commentary!
Some writers look back on their past writing and cringe. I look back on my past writing and think, "How me write well so good?" I thought getting more and more practice doing something was supposed to make you better at that something! What am I? Bizarro Writer? Every single thing I write now is shit! It's worse than shit! It's shit that ate bad shrimp and got diarrhea and shit an even worse shit! It's the kind of shit that makes that shit that shit it think, "Holy shit! I need to get my shit to a hospital!" At least I get to reward myself with masturbation after finishing a page. Or a paragraph. Or a...be right back!...sentence.

Maybe what's wrong is that I've written too much! My writing has always been purposely terrible and off-kilter. Maybe I've written 10,000 hours worth of writing and now I can't not write bad! Crap! That's my entire gimmick! Oh man. I need to think of a new gimmick! A good gimmick would be to write really smart and insightful things. But then I'd have to be smart and insightful. I wonder if I'm any good at pretending to be smart and insightful? Or I can just steal other people's insights!

Oh! I came up with a really good insight the other day while not reading the comments section of one of my commentaries! I was thinking, "Grunion?" That's what I call myself! Tess isn't my name, dum-dums! It's just the name of the blog! It makes sense if you say it out loud to your mother. You might not understand what you're saying as you say my blog's name but your mother will slap you. Anyway, I was thinking to myself, "King Beauregard...I mean, Grunion! What if New 52 Superman isn't actually dead at all? You know how he turned to dust? Maybe that was the Quarmer Superman! You know, the one made out of sand! Holy switcheroos! That would mean the real Clark Kent really is the real Clark Kent! And he probably lost all of his powers because the Quarmer took them all! So now there's a Clark Kent character that's the real Clark Kent and he's going to get to date the Superwoman Lois Lane and it'll be this whole role reversal thing where Clark gets to be in the crotchless panties and Lois gets to be on top eating deep dish pizza!" See? I'm so insightful and I didn't steal most of that insight at all!

This issue begins with Preboot Superman saying, "Hey! Remember all that stuff that happened in the previous comic books? Well you should because I just reminded you! Now let's get on with the story! Hopefully it won't be a repeat of the last time I met Doomsday or this will be the shortest run of Action Comics ever!" You might be thinking 958 issues isn't really a short run but it's the only run of Action Comics, so it's the shortest! I'm not going to complicate the issue by pointing out how Action Comics was renumbered for awhile and how we're all pretending the renumbering never happened now.

Why would you want a copyrighted image going viral?! You'll never collect royalties from all those dum-dum Facebook users! Besides, won't Lex own it? I bet he forgets to even credit Jimmy in the Daily Planet!

Clark is all, "Viral?! This could make the Special Edition of a hard copy of a newspaper that nobody reads anymore! You'll make a few bucks!" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah, but how do you expect to write it when you're a part of the story?!" Pshaw! Like that's ever stopped Clark before!

Dr. Ozymanhattan continues to watch the action on his multiple television screens. If I were smart and insightful, I'd come up with a reason his staff looks like it looks. What is it? A fermata on the end of a staff? It doesn't look enough like one but that would make sense. I bet Dr. Manhattan's atom symbol on his forehead has worn down a bit so that it now looks like a fermata. That would be a smart thing, right?!

Lois and Jon are watching the battle at home which means news cameras are filming the entire fight. So I don't know why Jimmy thinks his still photography is going to make him famous! Those stills will be yawnsville by the time he gets them developed!

I'm so smart to have read that thing you don't need to know about that caused me to figure out that Quarmer angle!

Doomsday and Superman battle for a bit. At least Jurgens remembers how boring he made the fight last time he wrote it so he intersperses it with scenes of other people. Lex is all, "Clark Kent?! But...but...but...how?!" And Lois is all, "Enough television, young man! You'll ruin your supper!" And Jon is all, "I can fly! I can fly! I can fly! I can fly!" He sings it really campy for some reason. Oh wait. That was me singing it out loud. Never mind.

The issue ends with Doomsday about to crush Lex's head. Not in a funny Kids in the Hall way either! More like in a funny while smoking pot and watching Faces of Death way! And, of course, Dr. Voyeur continues to monitor the situation. I bet he jerks it constantly under those robes.

Batman Loves Superman #20

This was the first movie poster cover so far that I didn't recognize. At least not consciously!

Since I didn't know what movie this was parodying, I decided to ask Lord Google. First because of the speed line crap (and because I didn't seem to recognize it), my brain was telling me it might be from The Fast and The Furious. Some of those posters do have an inordinate amount of speed lines but that wasn't right. So then I checked Speed just in case. Superman could have been the bus and Batman Keanu, right? But on that poster, the bus is exploding instead of driving sort of fast. But then my brain proved that it did know this movie poster. I knew I recognized it but just couldn't come up with the movie. But my brain was telling me that it was a movie with Harrison Ford. So I asked Lord Google to look up Harrison Ford movie posters and there it was: The Fugitive. Good job, brain. That was sarcastic. You really shouldn't have to rely on Lord Google, you stupid organ of a bitch.

Oh wait. Did I just hurt my own feelings twice?

Also, I was joking when I captioned the Bill and Ted's cover of Action Comics with "Party time. Excellent." It's been hard not pointing out that I was joking with that caption and I finally cracked! Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure is one of the few movies that you'd be really annoyed watching with me since I know all the fucking lines. It's that, Heathers, and Young Guns, both the first and the second one! That's not counting musicals because aren't we all annoying assholes when watching musicals we love? Just shut up and let me watch it without having to hear you sing over my singing!

Previously in Batman Loves Superman, Superman, Supergirl, and Batman have stormed the Bottled City of Kandor because Xa-du the Phantom King had taken it over and was feeding them horrible anti-Superman propaganda. He probably made them read all of Scott Lobdell's run on Superman until they couldn't fucking stand to look at Kal-el anymore. Also, Superman just found out that he was going to have to kick his Nana's ass to keep Xa-du and his tiny Kandorian army from taking over the world.

Superman's Nana explains why she's about to whoop his stanky ass. It turns out the people of Kandor were not completely in stasis. They could hear and see what was going on around them. And every time Superman would blow a masturbatory load into the side of the Bottled City, she grew more and more ashamed that he was kin. Now she's going to put him down! And his cousin too because she's no relation of hers! She's an El! *ptui!*

But why do you hate Supergirl's bum so much? Look at it! It just wants to love and be loved!

I bet Superman is all, "Nana! Stop! Your little Kal-el loves you so much! I can't hit you, Nana!" And then Batman will drop from the cork and say, "I can!" and BLAMMO! Nana takes an uppercut right to the kryptonian dentures!

The scene shifts to Ray Palmer and Hiro in the Ant Farm except it's not Hiro at all like I thought (again!) when I glanced at the page. It's Lois Lane still in her Hiro undercover disguise. Lois has been receiving a Morse Code message from Batman about what's going on and that they could use some help. Maybe. It's also possible she's lying and she just wants to get into the middle of the action so she can write a story about it.

Supergirl also refuses to fight back because it's her best friend Tali she's up against. So she and Superman stand around taking shots of heat vision to the face trying to convince a bunch of brainwashed people that love conquers all and hugs could go a long way to ending this mess. But the Kandorians don't agree and continue to beat the crap out of Superman and Supergirl. Who will save them now?!

Who didn't call this? Not me! I mean, I didn't not call it! You read that I called it a few paragraphs ago, right?!

Now I'm angry! Batman has some red sun right there on the end of his Whomping Stick! It's obviously been shrunk down by Ray Palmer Shrink Ray technology. How about making it the size of a cork and exchanging the normal cork on the Bottled City of Kandor with that bit of red sun? Problem solved without having to hit somebody's Nana in the face! I think Batman just likes beating up old women.

How did J'onn manage that? Aren't suns made out of fire?

Is that how Batman and Ray Palmer also developed Batman's Mini-Red-Sun Gauntlets for his Hellbat costume?

Aunt Mara flies in and disintegrates Batman with her heat vision. Superman screams, "Batman!", forgetting that he has microscopic vision and could see that Batman just pulled the old Ray Palmer Shrinkadoo (or Supes is just acting which is probably not the case because Batman, after the last time he tried to get Superman to ad lib on the "in love with Lois" bluff, wouldn't trust Superman to act his way out of an interview with James Lipton). I bet Batman even planned the whole thing in his Morse Code message to Lois Lane. He's like a genius or something. I bet his IQ is way over 90.

Since Batman isn't around now to fight Superman's battle, he's forced to slam his Aunt's face into the ground and freeze his Nana's head. Supergirl knocks out Tali and the fight is over. I bet their friends and family never forgive them for this! How dare they defend themselves against brainwashed loved ones trying to kill them?! Couldn't they have found a better way?! Couldn't they, at least one more time, have tried making them remember love?

After the battle, Xa-du shatters the Bottled City of Kandor as if the bottle wasn't made from super duper unbreakable Brainiac glass! Pshaw! Comic books are so unrealistic sometimes.

Now Superman has to battle hundreds of tiny little super Kandorians. Maybe it's time to revert back to normal size and suck them all up with his superbreath and then by turning tiny again and spitting them out into a coke can inside a special red sun gerbil cage on board the Ant Farm! If they didn't think up that plan, they're not trying very hard.

Superman blows up Batman's Red Sun Generator and everybody loses their powers. Superman and Supergirl are okay because they're full of Vitamin D. Now all they have to deal with is Xa-du! I say grab one end of his bandages and fly around him super fast so that he spins around so quickly that he gets sick. Then he has to stand there dizzy and naked covering his genitals! I'm pretty sure that's how Scooby Doo and Shaggy always catch the mummy.

Instead the Ant Farm explodes out of Xa-du's bandaged head. It sounds gory but it wasn't as bad as it seems. I'll let Batman explain the technological mumbo-jumbo.

He's also learning how to act! I'm surprised he didn't go, "Batman! Oh my god! Did you see him die like I saw him die? Totally dead, he is! Oh sorrow!"

And, of course, after Xa-du's influence has been removed from everybody's minds, the Kandorians are all appreciative of being saved by Superman and Supergirl! Except Nana, Aunt Mara, and Tali because manufactured drama is so much better than hugs!

Apparently a few Kandorians are stuck in their Xa-du induced madness. It just happens, coincidentally, that Tali and Nana and Aunt Mara are part of that group. But someday they'll be free! Maybe! But now the citizens of Kandor get to be awake and live exciting bottled lives in their newly built bottled city because, I'm guessing, Ray Palmer doesn't want to share his Shrink Ray technology with them so that they can become normal sized and live amongst the humans? No? We can't have that? They'd rather be trapped in their bottle? I think somebody would at least give them a choice, no? What a bunch of dicks.

For a second, I thought Hiro Lois Lane was wearing the Non-Compliant symbol.

And that's pretty much the end except for Superman once more learning that he can't save everyone but everyone thinks that's okay because they know he's doing his best. Okay, not everybody thinks that. Some people think he's a dick. And some people right before they die think, "Fucking great. I'm the person Superman doesn't save! Just my...."

Batman Loves Superman #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was a much better Batman Loves Superman than most of the previous ones. Although I don't like the idea of Xa-du being "Batman's Joker." Such a Batman thing to do! Trying to make everything about him. Xa-du is just some guy who hates Jor-el and wants to see his son pay. That's not a Joker at all! That's a guy with a motive and a reason to do what he's doing. It might be insane and it might be targeting the wrong problem but when has that ever been an issue with anybody? Even in The Bible, God was constantly punishing the wrong people simply because he allowed himself to be swayed by his favorite of his Chosen people! Most of his favorites were problematic dickholes, by the way.