The Lost Boys #4

Nothing says "illusory cool" like 80s style (and saxophones).

The Review
No change. This is a Vertigo comic book but it didn't feel like a Vertigo comic book until this issue. That's because even though it's full of vampires who are totally into sex and swearing, not one of them sexed anything or cussed their brains out in the previous issue. But in this issue, David is all, "You don't fuck, motherfucker! Fucking vampires fuck! Fucking hell yeah we fucking do!" And then David and The Believer impale themselves on a stalagmite (unless it's a stalactite!) and die in a sexy death embrace that completes the ritual to wake the Motherfucking Vampire Mothers who didn't put many clothes on when they fell asleep in the pool centuries ago.

I know David and Sam and the Believer's nipples were all over the earlier pages of this thing and that they look almost exactly like these nipples but society has programmed me to only be turned on by these nipples. And look at that! I'm all sexified now!

The Lost Boys #3

I appreciate the continuity of this cover. The vampires are seen hanging on the ceiling of a cave as they slept last issue and this cover shows vampire feet capable of doing just that.

The Review!
This comic book is only called "The Lost Boys" so that fans of the movie know that this story takes place in that world. But the series is actually called "The Lost Girl." See what Tim Seeley did there?! The lost girl is Star from the movie. It turns out she has been working for a tribe of vampires called the Blood Belles in their search for the ancient vampire city of Xibalba. They sent her to destroy The Lost Boys so that the Blood Belles could swoop in and wake the mothers, ancient vampires who are probably the mothers of all vampires. It's also possible "mothers" is just a shortened name for "motherfuckers" because these are the baddest ass vamps that have ever existed. Except it's more likely they're the matrons of the vampire race, this being a story called "The Lost Boys: The Lost Girl". Who is more lost than little boys and girls without their mothers, right?

So in this issue, it turns out a vampire named Billy is running the Blood Belles and organizing the waking of the mothers. David is helping because there has to be some vampire connection to the movie. It isn't enough to have Sam and Michael and Star and the Frog Brothers and Lucy and Nanook and Grandpa Vampire Hunter. Those are just boring regular people. Billy knows the ritual to wake the mothers. She must sacrifice somebody with vampire blood (Michael who still has Max's blood running through him) and a male virgin (either one of the Frog Brothers will do). Will Star allow Billy to go through with it or will her love for Michael prove too strong?! We probably all know the answer to that unless Tim Seeley has really thought up some super groovy twist ending.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to overuse the phrase "super groovy" for a few weeks.

Also, Michael and Sam have met The Believer who's been made aware of new vampires in Santa Cruz. I mean Santa Clara. I mean San Dimas. I mean Santa Carla.

This is The Believer about to kill a vampire with his boner which I totally thought probably wouldn't work in my commentary for Issue #1. I stand corrected.

No change in ranking. I standby my assessment that this is for The Lost Boys fans. Although if they're too big of fans, they'll hate it because it isn't the original source material or by the people who made the original source material. Fans of pop culture are weird. Some fans like anything to do with the thing they like. But they're only middle of the road fans! If you're the biggest fan ever, you show it by being super duper critical of everything that isn't the original bit that made you a fan in the first place. So basically the bigger a fan you are of something, the more you hate everything that isn't an exact copy of the thing you love. In other words, people who declare themselves the biggest fan of something are usually the biggest dicks in the fandom.

The Lost Boys #2

Just because you're a vampire, it doesn't mean you have to be an annoying fucking cunt.

For the life of me, I can't understand how people are ever bored. I don't mean when you're on a long plane flight and being in an uncomfortable situation keeps you from doing things you'd normally do in that space of time, like read or write or secretly masturbate under the complimentary blanket. Or when you're at a job that forces you to stay for forty hours every week when there's really only twenty-three hours of work. I mean when you're in the comfort of the domicile of your own choosing living a life that isn't completely taken up by a subsistence living, I can't see how people get bored. I'm struggling to get everything in that I want to get in before I die. And I'm failing miserably! How does anybody ever have the time to be bored?!

The artist of this book is named Godlewski. Braggart.

This issue begins with a coroner telling the family member of a recently found dead person how vampires don't exist. That's not usually the first thing you tell a recently dead person's family member unless vampires really do exist and the evidence of their existence is overwhelming and you're in denial.

If you see these marks all the time on dead bodies in Santa Carla and you don't think vampires exist, I don't think you know how scientific evidence and investigation work. Stop letting your bias control the results of your medical examinations! Quincy would be so disappointed in you.

We should all live by the motto "What would Quincy do?" I'm fairly certain one thing he would do is walk around in public with one hand jammed way down the front of his pants.

The Medical Examiner explains that the bite marks are just things local gang members (who aren't vampires, by the way!) do to victims to spread fear. So, you know, nothing to be afraid of. Except the roving gangs of not vampires murdering people. That's not spooky at all.

The woman is the Sam's mother identifying her father, the vampire hunter. So she doesn't need to be told that vampires aren't destroying Santa Carla. She lived it! Although I don't remember. In the movie, was she one of those characters who didn't believe in the vampires and just thought all of the chaos and destruction was being caused by partying youths? Anyway, a policeman comes to offer his regards and he calls the people who killed her father "monsters." This makes Star uncomfortable since she was one of those monsters. Or was half one of those monsters. Or still is?

With the death of his grandfather, Sam has figured out the woman he met in the comic book store earlier was a vampire. She had those scratches on her shoulder that are totally the David brand and almost certainly representations of the antler scratches he suffered when he was almost killed by Sam and his grandfather and the Frogs. Time to gear up and go hunting vampires! Like right now! This series only has five issues left and it's probably going to take a lot of pages to kill all the sexy vampires in Santa Carla in really sexy ways. This is a Vertigo comic, right? I demand some adult material!

This issue is called "The Lost Girl" because representation matters. Little girls should see women vampires too so that they realize being a vampire is not beyond their grasp.

The Frog Brothers rush out to kill some vampires or maybe have sex with some vampires. Hopefully right on panel. Not because I want to see the boners of the Frog Brothers! I want to see some naked vampires!

I seem to be somewhat distracted while reading this. I probably should have masturbated before reading comic books. Dave Sim, the writer of Cerebus, eventually took a vow of chastity because he believed it distracted him from his work. So he didn't even masturbate! I think he had the whole thing backwards. You need to masturbate so you get past the urge and aren't constantly distracted. I also think I'm right and Dave Sim was wrong. Just look at the evidence! While Dave Sim was fucking and masturbating, he wrote the first half of Cerebus. Pure genius! While he was not touching his ding dong or thinking about anybody else touching it, he wrote the final books of Cerebus. Total yawnsville!

Star runs out on Michael proclaiming this is her fault because she's a fucking monster! If David is still alive then she's still a half-vampire! She's a traitor!

This story takes place in the 80s where brothers never would have hugged because it was gay.

I almost captioned the above scan "Now fuck!" If you're less sensitive about incest than being reminded that guys in the 80s were obsessed with not appearing gay, you can switch the captions.

The Frog Brothers investigate the old Dave the Vampire's haunt only to find a tunnel has been dug into the floor and down into the side of the seaside cliff. It must lead to the fabled City of Hot Vampire Lesbians! That comment wasn't me hoping that all the vampires are lesbians. That comment was due to the vampire comic books from the previous issue all having titles about vampires and their lesbian tendencies.

The Frog Brothers fall into the tunnel because of an earthquake which is like a daily occurrence in California. They wind up in a pool in a deep cave staring up at David and his hot female vampire coven hanging from the ceiling. Gross! Vampires must have claws instead of toes! I wonder if any of their other body parts look different? I hope not.

It's difficult in this day and age to be a man and constantly have all of your natural urges called sexist. Like looking at attractive women and wanting to have sex with those attractive women and calling them bitches when they refuse.

All the missing children reveal themselves as they slip into the water and attack the Frog Brothers from below the surface. Don't kid vampires ever sleep?! They're just like real kids! Always up and banging about the house and murdering people before the sun is even up.

David wakes up as Edgar is busy calling Sam on the Walkie Talkie. Edgar says a bunch of stuff about how thankful he is to Sam for being a friend but he doesn't say, "Sam! The Vampires are in a hole in David's old flat!" He was definitely right in his claim that he should have been a better vampire hunter.

Speaking of better vampire hunters, some guy called The Believer who wasn't voted into the Hunters Union is about to meet Sam. Maybe he'll be able to save the Frog Brothers! He's introduced all shirtless and sexy with a studded belt and leather pants and playing a saxophone. Remember, this is the 80s! There was nothing more sexy than playing a saxophone while shirtless! Which seems weird when you remember my last comment about how guys tried so hard not to look gay in that decade. Blowing a horn that reaches down to your crotch? Not exactly the not-gayest thing.

The Ranking!
No change! I suppose if you like The Lost Boys, you should really enjoy this excursion back into the world. I can't say I'm a huge fan of the movie since I haven't really rewatched it since around when it first came out. And I've never read any supplementary stories or seen either of the more recent spin-off movies. But I hear there are people who still feather their hair and hang Poison posters on their walls who really fucking love this shit. You'd probably love this too!

The Lost Boys #1

According to Internet spelling conventions, shouldn't this be The Loost Boys?

The Commentary!
• My local comic book forced this comic book into my pull box without my consent. But I saw Tim Seeley was writing it, so I suppose I'm okay with it. Although I did make a vow several years ago to never again read a book or watch a movie or television show about vampires because enough already! That vow lasted a week before going to see Concrete Blonde's 20th anniversary of Bloodletting concert.

• Vampires sure have come a long way! Who would have thought that Anne Rice's version of vampires would win out over Stephen King's Salem's Lot version? I suppose you'd have to be a desperately horny teenager to find one of King's vampires attractive. Although I think I'd rather watch that movie.

• My favorite vampire movie is Let the Right One In. It's also my favorite movie about pedophilia! Not that I have a list of favorite pedophile movies. And even if I did, I'm sure it wouldn't be a long list. Let me check. Yeah, it totally wouldn't be a long list! It's taken a bit but I've become a little bit less cynical about the movie and have allowed for the idea that Eli actually cares for Oskar. The title does make more sense if that's the case, being that Eli has let the right one, Oskar, into Eli's life. Before that, Eli had taken a pedophile in as a caretaker. And that makes sense since Eli's turning involved a pedophile who castrated Eli. So Eli, even as a vampire, would be caught in a cycle of abuse. Abusers would be attracted to Eli and Eli would allow abusers into Eli's life. My cynical nature first viewed Eli as a mature predator grooming Oskar to be Eli's next "caretaker". But it seems Eli is really breaking the cycle of abuse and has found somebody in Oskar who actually cares and whom Eli also cares about. Being that the two kids are cute together, I don't mind believing that's the "actual" story. But my cynical side can't help seeing how Eli is grooming Oskar to be just another victim in the cycle of abuse. I should probably read the novel!

• This book isn't based on my favorite vampire movie though! This book is based on The Lost Boys. You can tell because it goes by the same name and there are a lot of Douchebag vampires on the cover (as well as a couple of Coreys). The Lost Boys was filmed in Santa Cruz, California, just over the hill from where I grew up in the valley. I grew up in Santa Clara, California, which is almost the name (Santa Carla) they gave to Santa Cruz in the film! This is one of those movies that I can still go back to and be smashed in the face by nostalgia because almost everywhere they go in the movie, I've physically been to. Also, being from the valley side of the Santa Cruz Mountains, the film feels like a metaphor for surfers trying to keep the valleys off of their turf. I don't remember but I wouldn't be surprised if the vampires had spray painted things like "Valleys Go Home" all over their dark lairs.

• This issue begins with somebody telling somebody else the plot to The Lost Boys. I think things just got meta! I'll know more when I turn the page!

• The guy telling the story works in a comic book shop in Santa Carla. He's describing the plot of a comic book called The Reign of Frogs (ha ha! A Fortean pun!) and written by the sons of the owner of the comic book shop! It's like they lived through the movie and then made a comic book and now this is the next generation who don't know the vampires are real and not just a stupid story!

• No wait! It's from the same era: fall of 1986! You can tell because John Byrne's Superman #1 is on the shelves and it has a cover date of January 1987! Which means it came out about three to four months before that! You can also tell by the comic book guys upturned collar on his unbuttoned white shirt over another button up shirt and his Vans worn without socks and his dress shorts! Plus the guy being told about the Frog Brothers' book is looking for the new Dark Knight Returns comic book! Although, I mean, I just assumed he meant DKIII at first until I saw the Superman #1 cover and an issue of Watchmen on the shelves, and a copy of Matt Wagner's Demon #1 on the wall!

• I am not a comic book nerd!

• So, you know, this story must take place just after the events of the movie. I should rewatch the movie so I'm all caught up and super knowledgeable about recent events in Santa Carla! Also I just want to see Bill S. Preston, Esquire, staked!

• The clock in San Carla is always ticking! But most of all, he loves San Carla! SAN CARLA HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!

• Anyway, the main character turns out to be Sam. That's probably to be expected seeing as how this comic book is called The Lost Boys. You would expect some continuity, right?

I know I mentioned my ban on reading vampire stories earlier, but I would read two-thirds of those vampire comic books.

• The Dude pops in to ruin Sam's moment with the probably a vampire lady. At least I think it's The Dude! It looks like The Dude! He's all laid back and shit and he smokes in a comic book shop. Every book that smoke touches drops to Very Fine in a heartbeat! Dick.

• Meanwhile Sam's brother Michael works at a retirement home and is still dating Star. I don't remember if she was ever a vampire or just a half-vampire or whatnot. But since the head vampire was killed, everybody probably thinks everything is back to normal. FOR NOW!

• Meanwhile, the Frog Brothers are undergoing training with Sam and Michael's grandfather. He's like an old school chill surfer dude vampire slayer or something. Ed Frog mentions how they killed some vampires in the Emerson house previously, so I think that closes the case on when this takes place. Definitely not too long after the end of the movie.

• Later, Grandpa heads up his monthly meeting of the Santa Carla Hunters Union.

I suppose if I just read comic books without thinking about them, I could have let the comic book point out the timeline here.

• The meeting place is set on fire and as the old timer vampire hunters rush out, they're attacked by a new batch of vampires! Oh no! I thought it had all ended with Max and this comic book series was going to be about rebuilding Santa Carla's reputation as a safe vacation spot! I suppose I'm sort of happy that some vampires attacked. The comic book I was expecting might have been a little dull.

• Sam and the Frog Brothers follow some fire engines to the scene to discover Grandpa dying of a bite. When he collapses, he's got the same scratches on his back as the probably a vampire lady that visited the comic book shop hinting about an underground vampire city! How are Sam and the Frog Brothers going to battle a group of super hot female vampires? I don't think you can stake them with a boner. With one or while having one! Whichever way you interpreted that last sentence!

• The issue ends with possibly David (I mean, can you really stake a vampire with antlers? Seriously!) riffing off the final line of the movie while surrounded by his new gang of vampires. They're all hot chicks because this is the eighties and David probably didn't want to look gay by sucking off a guy.

The Ranking!
+1! It's Tim Seeley! He's a comic book writer you can count on! Unless you love Narration Boxes over explicating the story. Then you'll probably hate this comic book. Also if you're sick of vampires, you might hate this comic book as well. Are vampires ever going to be so last week?

Oh! I bet the scratches on the backs of the vampires and victims are like David's brand! It's probably what his back looks like thanks to the antlers he was impaled on!

We Are Robin #12

This comic book needs something to make it interesting but I haven't given it enough thought to know what. Probably sex.

The Review!
This is the last issue of the series and, of course, it's probably the best and most interesting. Why is that? Why can't comic book writers figure out what makes a final issue where they wrap everything up so much better than the issues where they're trying to build the world? I think it's that whole 'in media res' thing! This should have been Issue #1! I bet most comic book fans would read this as Issue #1 and hate it because people like to have their hands held and bottoms powdered as their full of shit opinions diapers are changed when they are being entertained. I suppose some changes would have to be made to this issue if it were the first one but not a lot. I mean, this one works due to the call backs to previous issues the Robins have had in their struggle. But even call backs to previous history can work when the reader isn't privy to that history. If only writers would write to the intelligent and the curious instead of making sure everything is understandable to every dull-witted, slack-jawed moron who might pick up a comic book, maybe first issues would be far more interesting far more often.

The Commentary!
Most of the New 52 comic books left in my stack are mediocre books that I'm not super interested in reading. I've kept a few in the mix that I'm looking forward to, books such as Legends of Tomorrow and whatever that Dark Knight one was that came out a couple of weeks ago. But mostly it's just boring crap. And I don't mean that the stack only got boring after I finally read Sinestro #23! The stack was super boring when that one was still in it! Here's what I've got left and how I feel about it:

Cyborg: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull Victor is.
Martian Manhunter: I hope I don't fall asleep while reading about how dull J'onn is.
Doctor Fate: I hope I don't shoot myself in the face so that I don't have to read about how dull Doctor Fate is.
Lumberjanes Loves Gotham Academy: Okay. I'm looking forward to this one! I can't wait to see why Kyle needed to bring his tennis racket to the woods!
Constantine: I forgot this was still in the stack. This is a decent reprieve from the shit I know is coming up after it.
Earth 2 Society: Oh! I hope they make Earth Too a better place! I'm so invested!
Black Canary: This comic book lost me when it went from Indie music scene to time travel sci-fi alien space opera. I know that sounds exciting but I guess Fletcher did it wrong.
Legends of Tomorrow: Sugar & Spike are my favorites.
Swamp Thing: This is like reading the old comic books I've been reading so I'll probably get confused about what year it is and have nightmares about picking a topic for my senior thesis.
New Suicide Squad: Oh! I forgot I finally like the Suicide Squad thanks to Tim Seeley. Maybe I should put this one on top of the stack!
Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade: I have no idea what this is. Batman or something.
Robin, Son of Batman: I really liked this before Fawkes took over. Now I just sort of kind of like it somewhat.
Teen Titans: This was pushed back because the New 52 Titans are horrible. But Bedard made them fun and interesting last month, so I won't be disappointed when I get to this.
Poison Ivy: Dull. So dull. Dullsville, man!
Gang of Harleys: I've had my fill of Harley. I've reached my Harley threshold.
Bitch Planet: I can't wait to read the back cover! Always so good!
Legend of Wonder Woman: This is a good Wonder Woman story with fantastic art but it still doesn't feel like a real comic book. I guess I have a bias against Digital First stories.
Bombshells: Speaking of digital first comics! The amount of Bombshells books I have just keeps growing and growing. For the reason why, see "Wonder Woman, Legend of".
Harley Quinn: Ugh. Even more Harley Quinn! Ugh! UGH!

So that's basically it. I didn't mention the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Daredevil because I'm mentioning them here instead for no reason.

Now that I've basically reached my target word count, I don't have to worry about saying anything about We Are Robin which I also find dull! I'm such a lazy cheater!

Although since I don't really have a word count and just write as much as comes to me as I read, I've really just written more than I had to.

You know what the death knell of interest is on the internet? "I've written more than I had to." People only want to read as little as they can get away with. You know what else is a good way to be irrelevant on the internet? Yeah, I don't know either or else I'd switch things up to stop being that!

Does anybody remember when I used to sprinkle sketches throughout my reviews? I wonder why I stopped doing that? I bet it has something to do with something I don't understand! Like my brain.

Here's a picture of Damian as a Robin that I drew in ten seconds. It isn't funny at all but it's thematic.

Cisco, also known as Redbird16 to people in his We Are Robin Group Chat, has recently learned that his father is terrible at business. Wayne Enterprises keeps bidding more reasonable bids to help rebuild Gotham in areas that can't afford bids that won't put other construction companies out of business. I mean, the other companies are going out of business even faster because Wayne Enterprises is taking all of their business. But it's not like they'd get the business with profitable bids anyway because most people in Gotham are poor due to Wayne Enterprises hogging all of the money. Could Batman fix Gotham simply by flying over the city and making it rain hundred dollar bills instead of what he usually does where he covers Gotham in a fine mist of his piss and blood? I know he only does that to save the day but it's still gross.

Because Cisco doesn't like seeing his father cry all of the time, he decides to take down Wayne Enterprises for the Greater Good. I guess Cisco's definition of the Greater Good is rationalizing his actions to seem to be helping the city while actually just trying to get his dad to stop being a baby. What kind of a grown man cries?! I mean because he's having business trouble. I don't mean like when a kitten is dying or he's watching The Bridges of Madison County.

I'm surprised there's still a thing as juvenile detention. If the scared morons of this country had their way, everybody would be tried as an adult. Let's just ruin all of the lives with our terrible policy of treating people who have made mistakes as irredeemably evil pieces of shit and then continue to pray to Jesus because we have no idea what that whole "cast the first stone" business was about anyway.

Isn't it odd the way Christians will believe that Jesus changed everything about the Old Testament when it comes to their own selfish salvation and how he died for their sins and they can be forgiven and redeemed for anything they've done (up to and including murder) as long as they accept Jesus as their lord and savior. And yet when they get the chance to condemn people to Hell for their sexuality without any chance of forgiveness, redemption, or salvation, they ignore Jesus's promise of redemption and label them as unforgivable abominations. Jesus wasn't making a point about how we're all sinners and who are we to judge because only god judges with that cast the first stone thing. That was an anti-death penalty argument for exactly the reason that sinners are allowed to redeem themselves and be forgiven. When you kill somebody, you take away their chance at redemption. And since everybody, according to Christianity, is a big dumb sinner until they accept Jesus, killing somebody takes away their chance to accept Jesus.

Don't fucking get me wrong and read that last paragraph as if I think queerness of any kind is a sin that needs to be redeemed, you want to be offended asshats. I'm just working through the logic through their own supposed system of logic and morality. I'm an atheist. And by atheist, I mean "somebody who knows The Bible better than most Christians who also isn't a judgmental bastard (unless I'm judging Christians and Muslims and Jews who treat the religion as religious as opposed to a cultural affectation and anybody else that puts an afterlife before this life (I mean, you can be those things and I don't fucking care. But don't expect people who aren't those things to follow your stupid fucking rules. As soon as you become that kind of religious person, I put on my black robes)).

Cisco doesn't want to have anything to do with illegal activity so he begins to walk. But then this guy Iggy who wears trucker caps non-ironically pipes up about how he's got a plan to rip off Bruce Wayne. Cisco's eyes light up and he's all, "That's the guy that made my old man cry!" That makes all the criminals uncomfortable and they look down into their Chinese food and begin shuffling their shoes and Iggy clears his throat and says, "That mean you're in, kid?" And Cisco is in because this issue began with him robbing Wayne's place.

Why this close-up of Riko's dildo? Will it be important later?!

Cisco drops a message to Shug about how he's breaking the law for all the right reasons. Those reasons are sticking it to that jerk Bruce Wayne for making his daddy cry! But he's not going to tell anybody else that after he saw how uncomfortable it made his new friends, the criminal gang. Shug is still working out but has she gotten into condition to actually take on more of an active role as a Robin? I hope so! Unless it means she's going to die!

Duke answers Shug's plea to the Robins with "what's ^." No question mark? And I'd argue it's quicker to type "up" than a carrot! That "6" key is in the worst position on the non-computer keys part of the keyboard! Although he's typing on a phone so I guess that's different. But he still has to change the keyboard he's using to get to the carrot! Just hit the u and the p, you poseur!

Shug does go out into the field this time and Dre is all, "Hey! You ain't fat! You look good!" She looked good before she started working out, Dre! Mostly because "comic book fat" is still really sexy and never unattractive. I'm not even sure "unattractive" exists in comic books unless the writer and artist are making a point about how evil a person is.

Cisco big score falls apart when his criminal gang find a "Nice try!" note in Bruce's safe and then Alfred walks in on them and asks if any of them would like some Justice Tea.

The Robins swing across to the Wayne building and none of them fall to their deaths because I guess they've all been working on their grip strength. And then the big fight begins! Action! More action! Some other action that's different than the first and second action! Throughout it all, Alfred manages to keep his hand covered so continuity nerds don't get all pissy about when this story takes place. Not that they aren't already pissy over when this story takes place. I think continuity nerds just read comics to find errors in continuity. It's their jam!

The issue ends with the Robins all jumping to their death because they don't have any experience at all with base-jumping and Alfred didn't give them any pointers on how to do it. Although Shug is smart enough to not strap a parachute to her back and jump to her death trying to stop a two-bit criminal. It's a bit ironic because the Narration calls back the whole bit about "the problem with youth is the inability to accept your own mortality" bit from Issue #1. I guess people are right because a bunch of Robins just splattered themselves across the streets of Gotham. Presumably! I mean, the series does end here! I think that's evidence that they all died. They just winked out of existence and their story ended. What a great ending!

We Are Robin #11

I glanced at this cover quickly before sticking it in the scanner and didn't see the John Romita Jr. Variant Cover badge on it. But I was going to say the poses are horrible enough to be a John Romita Jr. cover. And then I saw that it was indeed a cover by John Romita Jr. That wasn't the best anecdote I've ever told.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't really care about this comic book so this will be a quick review that barely says anything at all about the book. As opposed to my lengthy reviews that barely say anything at all about the book. Although if it gives me stuff to talk about on every page, what am I going to do? Not fill up the Internet with my opinions?! That would be irresponsible! Like on this first page! The reader finds out that Dax is the son of Joe Chill! What the fuck?! Y'all couldn't let us know this eleven issues ago?! You know how many people never made it to this revelation because this book was so tepid?! Now who's being irresponsible, Mr. Bermejo?!

I wish comic books had more faith in keeping an audience by revelation rather than keeping an audience by teasing. Here's the thing! If you end a comic book with a character going "It's you!" while never revealing who the "you" is, I'm going to assume that the revelation isn't going to be as awesome as you want people to think it is. You're trying to lure them into buying the next issue to discover the person's identity. But how about this suggestion? Reveal the fucker and get the reader to go, "Holy shit! Not that person! Things are going to get crazy next issue! I have to buy it!" I guess a lot of comic books do that too! But why wait until the last page for the reveal? Thrill me four or five times every issue! Don't just tease the one big surprise at the end of the book! That's wasting nineteen pages on manufactured suspense! And yes, I realize that any work of fiction is manufactured. But since it's fiction and it's manufactured, how about assembling more surprises quicker?! Jerks!

I don't want anybody to think that complaint was directed at We Are Robin #11. This shit just revealed Dax's last name is Chill on the first page!

I've already written way more than I was going to write about this comic book. I guess it's pulled me in! It's also possible I'm not in a big hurry to read my next old New Titans comic book on the stack because it's an Annual. Here's a comic book rule of thumb: Annuals generally suck.

After the Joe Chill revelation, Bermejo spends a few pages calling gun owners cowards. Or was he calling promiscuous women sluts?

"I respect every woman who has ever let me have sex with them." That's something I hope to be able to say one day!

Smiley and the Jokers have taken over Riko's school and the rest of the Robins have been called in to help stop them. Meanwhile, Alfred watches everything on the Gotham News with a jar of lotion and a Batsock.

Oh! Here's the part where I run out of things to say and just summarize the rest of the book as quickly as possible! The Robins save the day and they fire Alfred! They're the future of Gotham and they'll be damned if some guy with experience is going to teach them anything! Fucking old people! How dare they try to help since all their help really amounts to is shaking their heads and saying things like, "Yeah. You're so passionate right now. You'll learn soon enough!"

P.S. I liked the art a lot.

We Are Robin #10

Rating: Currently I have this ranked in the "Worth reading if you're into the characters" category but I'm not sure it belongs there. How can one be into the characters if they're brand new? I guess you should know if you're into them or not by issue ten, right? But I still find this comic book a bit bland and a lot uninteresting. But I just can't drop it into the "Worst of DC" category because that's saying it's as poorly written as something by Scott Lobdell, Ann Nocenti, JT Krul, Howard Mackie, Tom DeFalco, or Cullen Bunn. And I just can't do that to Lee Bermejo. Yet! I have done it to Peter Tomasi but that's because he allowed himself to get wrapped up in the Superman "Truth" story arc. And nobody got out of being sprayed by feces from that mess.

P.S. I wrote all of the previous rating stuff before reading this issue. I really enjoyed this issue! Both the writing and the art!

• This comic book feels like it should be part of the Batman Beyond world. I think that's its major failing. This isn't a comic book that should be in the present continuity. It should take place in a future world where crime is rampant and out of control and a bunch of kids stumble upon the broken case containing Jason Todd's old uniform. They've grown up with legends of a young kid who used to fight at the side of the Bat and upon discovering the costume, are inspired to make their own costumes based on Todd's old outfit. Suddenly Robins spring up everywhere around Gotham. It would also make more sense for Alfred Pennyworth to be helping them at this point. Senile and heartbroken after Batman lost trust in him after the Endgame debacle, he's now nearly 100 years old when he begins seeing Robins all over the city. He's not sure if they're real or not but he begins to help them in any way he can, treating them like his own children. That makes this book better, right?

• This issue must have been reading over my shoulder about how a person can't really be into these characters since they're so new because it begins with Shug-R who I totally forgot I had a huge crush on. Well played, We Are Robin.

• This panel gave me a huge sugar rush. And by 'sugar rush', I mean 'boner'. And by 'huge', I mean 'average'.

• Shug-R is trying to lose weight. Oh, come on, Shug! Stop it. Don't lose weight just because comic book artists can't draw anything but hot women. Although if you're really uncomfortable with your weight and dropping a few pounds will mean I'll get to see you in more scenes than just sitting behind your laptop, I'm cool with it. Whatever you desire, hon! I've got your back!

• Mmm, Shug-R's back.

• Smiley's family life has been unsatisfactory. He was not a parent's wet dream. So now he's a clown.

• Riko and Izzy and Duke are all having horrible lives. I bet that drives them back into Robinning!

• Dre has been going out as Lone Wolf fighting crime. Dax has been building Grappling Guns and will probably be sued by Waynetech over the patent.

• This is DC. It would be weird if he didn't have Daddy Issues.

• The Robins tentatively begin reforming in order to stop Smiley and his clowns from terrorizing Gotham. I guess the Robin Laws are still in effect so they're trying to be cautious in their investigating. But they're all going to be wearing Red and Green and Yellow soon. Although they'd better hurry before Rebirth cancels this book.

• When Dre goes undercover with Smiley's Clowns, and Dax calls on everybody to help him out, and Duke and Riko get caught in school when Smiley's Jokers attack it...well, that's probably the beginning of the team back together. Now hopefully Shug-R will get out of the house and in on the action next issue.

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1

Does Wonder Woman have a fanny pack to go with those bicycle shorts?

This is another tiny comic book inside of DK III: The Master Race. It's not as tiny as The Atom comic book so it's not as cute. Also it's bright red and Wonder Woman seems to be threatening me with her lasso so I'm a little bit scared of it. At least this commentary will be (bicycle) short(s).

This tiny comic book is meant to show that Lara Kent is rebellious enough to side with the Kandorians in the up and coming race war. She identifies with her father and his people more than her mother and the mortal Amazons. Plus she's simply a teenager who thinks she knows better than everybody around her. I know teenagers scoff when they're told they don't know as much as they think they know and they should. It's what they all do no matter how unique or intelligent they think they are. Adults simply have to accept it and constantly be exhausted by it because we know, having already lived through it, that eventually they'll look back on how arrogant they were and simply shake their head. Wonder Woman does a decent job of explaining the phenomenon in this comic book but it's still not something that can easily be explained to a person in the throes of teenagedom. It's not that as an adult you suddenly know everything. It's just that as an adult, you eventually reach a place where you don't know everything and so your opinions (that seemed so crystal clear and correct and obvious when you were a teenager) are softened and you allow yourself the capacity to doubt yourself.

No wait. I've completely mucked up the previous paragraph because I know plenty of adults who are complete and utter asshats who think they're the brightest fucking star in the sky. It's not about age at all. It's simply about maturity. Some teenagers ((imagine five thousand "very"s here) few) have the maturity that some adults (way more than it should be) lack. Age doesn't matter. People are arrogant assholes all across the spectrum. Just look at the bright side, teenagers. Your lack of maturity and arrogance is a price you pay for being inexperienced. You have the potential to look at your flaws and change. Most adults who maintain their lack of maturity well into adulthood have seemingly lost this ability, entrenched in old fashioned ideas like dinosaurs sinking in a tar pit of bitterness and anger.

I'm lucky that I actually am as smart and always correct as I think I am!

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Wonder Woman #1 Rating: It was a free comic book! Just fucking enjoy it. I mean, technically it wasn't free because you had to pay six dollars for the comic book that it was inside of. But just let the illusion of its freeness embrace you and stop being such a stickler! Jesus. Look at me! Asking the internet to stop being such a stickler! Who am I? Sisyphus?!

We Are Robin #5

Today's Robins are models of youth culture and fashion. Yesterday's Robins were pedophile bait.

The issue begins with a Talon cutting himself off from the people of the Gotham Underground. That's a good idea. Those people always remind me of Ann Nocenti and that always makes me feel sad. Not that I'm particularly excited to see The Court of Owls are behind the bombing and the death of Troy Walker but it's better than an army of underground homeless people. Hopefully Rat Catcher will still work for the Court of Owls because that's clever or something. Because owls are rat catchers! It is like a joke.

Here is a joke you can tell your friends: Why did the owl cross the road? And then you prepare a funny punch line about a rat.

Here is a quiz for you to play. It is called "Basketball or Gay Porn?"

If you guessed "What's the difference?", you are correct!

One of the Robins named Izzy (is she a Robin? I think she's a Robin) works as a waitress at a place that punk-assed motherfuckers like to frequent.

You can tell he is a punk-assed motherfucker because his entire personality and self-worth is wrapped up in a ridiculous image which is supposed to make him seem tough.

It is time for another quiz: "Am I A Punk-assed Motherfucker?" If earlier you thought to yourself, "That's 'punk-ass', you idiot," then congratulations! Although that's not really a good determiner. That was just me playing a joke on you! Ha ha! A really good way to determine if you are indeed a punk-assed motherfucker is to ask yourself, "Do I read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea regularly?" If you do then congratulations! You are not a punk-assed motherfucker! You are a hyper intelligent being with the kind of genitals most appreciated by people who appreciate those kinds of genitals.

If you are not a punk-assed motherfucker but you would like to be, here are some tips: say things like "It is what it is" and "Sorry. Not Sorry" as often as possible. Make eye contact with strangers and say, "What are you looking at?" Bump into people in crowded locations and then start a fight with them as if it were there fault. Pick on people who choose to wear clothing they feel comfortable in rather than the style that is most popular at the time even though your clothes will make you look foolish when looked back on ten years later. Do not develop your personality or mind in any meaningful way because it is easier to express yourself with tattoos and your musical tastes and your aesthetic. Only ever smile or laugh when it's at somebody else's expense. When adult men and women point out you are being a punk-assed motherfucker, call them a bitch-assed bitch and then vape right in their faces.

I can probably think up more ways for you to be a punk-assed motherfucker but you should probably perfect those helpful hints first.

After work, Izzy is jumped by the punk-assed motherfucker. He really wants to perfect his punk-assed motherfucker game. I thought the neck tattoo that said "KING" in Helvetica font was as good a punk-assed motherfucker game as there was but then he decided slapping a woman could increase his rating.

See?! See! I told you he was a punk-assed motherfucker! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

A couple of Izzy's Robin friends drop by to help her out. Whether or not she needed help is a story that, if told, would most likely embarrass the punk-assed motherfucker.

This issue was called "Sibling Rivalry" which I didn't mention because it kind of telegraphs that Hector, the punk-assed motherfucker, is Izzy's brother. I'm not sure why he beats on her so much. Maybe she once changed the channel while he was trying to watch the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Later the Robins meet up to try and figure out what the fuck they're doing. Troy getting killed was a wake up call. The Robins missed the first couple of wake-up calls called "Jason Todd" and "Damian Wayne." Although judging by the new pattern, Troy Walker will eventually be back from the dead.

While the Robins are discussing their future, Alfred Crazypants Pennyworth backs a truck full of gear into their warehouse. It's a bribe to keep them risking their lives while he watches them via spy cameras and jerks off. The Robins are easily bought off with their cool new weapons and gear. They decide all the free shit is worth working for some old perv.

Later, Duke, Izzy, and Riko (unless their names are different) are the victims of a drive-by. Apparently Hector is really pissed about not getting to see the end of the "Hello" video. While the Robins cover their heads and pray they don't take a bullet in a non-Kevlar covered part of their body, the Talon hops down and turns Hector and his friends into pellets.

We are Talons! Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!

Crazypants Alfred gets back to doing the epilogue this issue so he can try to explain himself. It seems these kids began this Robin movement on their own and Alfred is just trying to guide and protect them. He's just trying to keep Bruce Wayne's dream alive! And that dream was of a city where children never cry! I mean, a Gotham where children never cry. I don't think children cry in Smallville or Metropolis. At least they didn't used to. Things are a bit different now that everybody hates Superman.

We Are Robin #5 Rating: No change. The Robins face some challenges and then overcome some challenges while also learning that some challenges challenge the challenged too much. Then a Talon tries to eat them. It's all very exciting for people who can remember the names of all of these various Robins. My favorite, Suge, wasn't in this issue so it wasn't as good as it could have been. If you like the other Robins who were in this issue, you will probably really enjoy this issue.

We Are Robin #3

Commissioner Batman had better say "You kids get off my lawn!" at least once.

This issue begins with the Robin with the big thighs digging through the refrigerator when she should be helping the other Robins by searching YouTube for videos about disarming bombs. Her nickname is Shug because she's either a patron at a southern restaurant or she loves to stuff sugar into her face. We get it, society! Fat people eat things! You know who else eats things? Skinny people! So why is it always the fat person shoving unhealthy food in their face? Or overly healthy food which is the tack We Are Robin takes. Also, Shug isn't fat. So maybe she has diabetes and she's trying to control her diet so she doesn't send her sugar levels out of whack. That would be a good reason for the nickname "Shug" as well! Plus it would make sense that she's staying home and out of the adrenaline pumping action since that might throw her levels out of whack too. Unless it doesn't. But I hope it does because I'm trying to distance myself from the assumption that Lee Bermejo was falling back on standard fat character tropes. Shug is probably diabetic instead of fat. I hope it's still okay to make fun of diabetics or I might get into trouble later.

Right now, Shug is playing the Oracle of the We Are Robin kids. It might be because she's diabetic or it might be because she has stricter parents than the others or it might just be that they rotate the help desk job every night. Whatever the reason, she needs to learn how to disarm a bomb in the next twenty minutes or Gotham will lose another building. That doesn't really seem like that big of a deal since Gotham recently lost most of their buildings in Batman Eternal and then lost lots more in Endgame.

Shug's texts come in as "The Nest" so she's definitely the Oracle. Unless they don't since some texts come in as Shug-R. So many names! The rest of the Robins use each other's names a lot so that the readers can slowly identify them all. I won't be learning their names any time soon. Not because I'm stubborn but because my brain just doesn't work that way. I just spent twenty seconds trying to come up with Duke's name and he's the only one I can identify.

Meanwhile above ground, a riot breaks out because disarming bombs wasn't enough pressure for these kids. Commissioner Batman had better get here soon!

Holy crap. So many Robins to keep track of!

So far Shug is my favorite because she had two Chinese food leftover containers in the fridge that I'm just going to assume had Indian food in them because now I want Indian food. Plus she's had the most characterization so far other than Duke. She chews sugarless gum which I don't do. She wears glasses which I don't do. She sits at home on her computer every night which I totally do. I think the other Robins will be too active and engage in too many risky behaviors for me to be comfortable with them as my favorite Robin. Shug really seems like the Robin for me.

Last issue made it seem like Alfred was recruiting all of these kids. My guess is that he's working with his daughter Julia as well. She's also on the Commissioner Batman program, so it would make sense for her to be bridging the worlds of legal and illegal criminal subdual techniques. I don't think Bruce Wayne is involved at all since he's running around with hearts in his eyes.

Hmm. I don't think diabetes is the issue. Now I want Mac 'n' Cheese!

One bomb is disarmed and loads and loads of Robins join in to quell the riot. Unless adding that many more people to the riot just makes a bigger riot? That's probably just semantics plaguing me. I'm pretty sure, in this case, it's a good thing that the Robins are effectively doubling the size of the riot. Commissioner Batman, on the other hand, might come down on the semantics side of things.

I guess this is not very different when regular Batman chastises his Robins.

A train pulls up with a big "R" painted on the front and Robin stuff all over it. Orders from The Nest (which must be the mystery person and not Shug-R at all) tell the Robins to hop the train and leave the final bomb. The kids figure The Nest knows what it's talking about so they comply. Also it's probably nice to know you're not going to be blown up by a bomb in a few seconds. But Robin Troy stays behind to finish disarming the bomb!

Goddammit! His was a name I could remember!

The epilogue confirms that Alfred is The Nest and that he has a hook for a hand. I guess after all those years raising children to put them in harm's way, he's simply gone over the edge and is now gathering as many to him as he can! Alfred needs to be stopped!

We Are Robin #3 Rating: No change. I get the point of this comic book! Alfred really has gone nuts and just can't stop recruiting kids to put them in harm's way. Is this the only way he knows how to make a Batman? And why does he need a Batman so badly?! Maybe he's just envious of the kids at the rec center and their relationship with Bruce Wayne so he's punishing them with this whole We Are Robin scam. Shouldn't Alfred just be truly happy that Bruce is getting a second chance at happiness and retire himself? Maybe Alfred knows Bruce will eventually return to Batman and this is Alfred's way of showing Bruce that the city can always be safe if you teach the youth of the city to care and to fight back. That way Bruce can trash that creepy Batman Duplication Device in the Bat-cave. Anyway, I suppose Alfred doesn't feel hugely responsible for Troy's death since he did tell the kids to just get the hell out of the building. He's trying to build their confidence and skill, not get them killed. Troy's death is on himself! At least according to "Batman's Big Book of Reasons Why I Can Honestly Say I Haven't Killed Anybody Because There Are Always Extenuating Circumstances To Deaths Surrounding My Actions."

We Are Robin #2

I'm too old for this series. Just looking at this cover scares me.

Last issue, Duke found himself in the Gotham Underground because Lee Bermejo is a jerk. Doesn't he know people hated Ann Nocenti's Catwoman run and that he shouldn't be reminding us of it? How would he like it if I dug up his dead grandma's skull and brought it to his house while working its jaw and making it say, "Give Nana a kissy!"? That would be totally uncalled for and probably hurt him a lot. And that's not even half as bad as reminding people of Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

It's possible that Lee Bermejo doesn't even know about Ann Nocenti and her work on the Gotham Underground and he just brought Duke to it because it was used in Batwing. That story did prominently feature the Ratcatcher who is the current antagonist in this comic book, so he really might not realize the pain he's causing. Now I feel I could be wrong about him being an intentional jerk. Maybe I should just put Nana's skull back.

Duke has just met the We Are Robin crew who have been stalking him ever since he flew around the city with Batman. Ratcatcher's brainwashed followers were trying to capture Duke because he heard their plans to blow up the city above ground (which sounds like maybe a stupid plan if you're below ground? Beneath the explosions that could cause everything to collapse? I mean, Ratcatcher and his people do live in a huge cavern beneath Gotham. It's not like the city has much support! And where do the Owls live? Are they in a layer between the Gotham Underground and Gotham City?). The Robin Kids save him by lighting a flare which apparently gives off just enough light to scare and blind the people of the underground who go around all day with torches and street lights on constantly. I guess it was some kind of super flare.

After bringing Duke to the surface, the Robin Kids get a message from The Nest telling them to ditch Duke. For a bunch of unique snowflakes who totally have their own individual styles and completely think for themselves, they sure do jump when a message from The Nest says, "Remember whose buttering the buttered side of your bread."

Duke wakes up in an interrogation room with a creepy guy who offers to help find Duke's parents if Duke helps the Robin Kids disarm the Ratcatcher's bombs. Duke is all, "Fuck no!" But then after the guy leaves Duke alone and Duke eventually remembers that he knows how to open a door, Duke finds a motorcycle and a leather outfit and a phone waiting for him outside of the room. Those things go a long way to changing a "fuck no" to a "fuck yes."

Turns out this creepy guy has been busy grooming kids all over Gotham.

Did you get a good look at his right hand?! He hid it behind his back the whole time he spoke with Duke! Probably because it's a big fake wooden thing!

The creepy guy is so totally Alfred! And he's presented in a way to keep it ambiguous if his right hand is still missing. They even begin the "interview" with a mirrored shot so that it looks like he's using his right hand to maybe throw off the dumber dumb dumbs reading this comic book. It almost worked on me!

Maybe it's even Alfred gone rogue because he's become addicted to putting children in danger! He's the main villain in this comic book because he's gone mad with grief at the loss of Master Bruce to the woman working at the teen rec center!

The Robin Kids (now with more Duke Thomas!) find themselves across the street from the Gotham Hall of Records, the Ratcatcher's first target. Actually, the Ratcatcher is just the lieutenant of some other mastermind because the Ratcatcher is never the brains behind the villainous plans. The Robin Kids find the bombs underneath the building set to blow in twenty minutes. Now they just need to find a Youtube instructional video on disarming bombs shorter than twenty minutes.

Once again there is an epilogue! This one is of a mysterious man following Ratcatcher in the Gotham Underground to try and find the actual leader of the underground rebellion. He uses the same bat camera seen in the epilogue of the first issue! That's probably a clue to his identity! Unless it's one of those red herring clues that aren't actually clues. I hate those! Life is full of those. I don't want my entertainments to be 99% red herrings too. If I wanted that in my literature, I'd read Scott Lobdell's Hardy Boys Adventures.

We Are Robin #2 Rating: No change. Why does everybody in this comic book have to be so young? It's scary and unsettling! I wish the DC Youniverse didn't have to be filled with so many DC Youths. I want a version of this comic book when the characters are all in their late thirties and early forties! Then it will be full of them calling each other up and saying, "Hey. I'm heading down to the pharmacy to get some pills. Did you want to go along for the ride?" And the other one would be, "Nah, I just took a really good crap and I'm just basking in the afterglow." Meanwhile a few of the others will be playing a rousing game of Scrabble while eating all the pizza rolls that are supposed to be after-school snacks for their kids.

We Are Robin #1

I hate the title of this comic book. My brain always reads it to the tune of the Farmers Insurance commercial. Maybe I actually hate my brain.

Best moment of Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham so far? When I first flew as Wonder Woman. I immediately forgot what I was going to do because I spent the next few minutes just flying around listening to the Wonder Woman television theme song (minus the lyrics which is just fine because in your satin tights fighting for your rights?). Otherwise, the game is kind of mindless until it's super frustrating. I keep forgetting about the special powers of different characters so I spend many, many minutes running around thinking I can't destroy a silver item because I don't have access to Batman and his Power Suit before I remember Cyborg has a Demolition Suit that does the same thing and then I roll my eyes about five thousand times, finish the level, and declare I'll never waste any more time on the game. Until next time, I mean.

The creators have somehow found a way to portray Batman as the unrepentant, unemotional dickhead he truly is. He makes it obvious that he can't stand Tim Drake because Tim is an annoying little shit (although an adorable one). And so far he's murdered about six ducks. Okay, so he doesn't take them out back and put a gun in their bills and blow their delicious brains out. But I'm sure it was his idea to launch the rocket out of the duck pond thus ensuring any ducks taking refuge at the Wayne Family Estate would be thoroughly roasted every time he had to get to a meeting on the Justice League Satellite. Remember, the teleporter was just built at the beginning of this game so he's supposedly been rocketing to the satellite every time. Which, by the way, is a complete pain in the ass getting the rocket ready to go. Batman really needs to optimize the system so he doesn't need to destroy everything in the Batcave just to get the rocket refueled and looking like a bat so he can take it out in public. Maybe a system where he just presses a few buttons or something?

The entire gameplay system where you run around with two or more characters doesn't really help me except when I have to use their special powers one or two times per level. In reality, the system simply ensures that I accidentally kill the other characters in my group about two dozen times while smashing everything on the set to collect the Lego coins which--you'd assume because I must get them all--are made of heroin. The purple stuff is so fucking pure it makes your entire body feel like a three week extended orgasm.

I'm sure I'll have more updates on the game as I slowly slog my way through it. Until then, I have to slog my way through We Are Robin.

I don't think that's a problem with youth. I think it's a necessary feature.

It's been said before but it's worth repeating: every one of us is lucky to have survived to adulthood. Not just because being young also means being fragile and the world is fraught with dangers that we can barely protect ourselves from, but because we don't have a well-developed sense of our own mortality. Youth doesn't allow for much concern with weighing risk versus reward. But what better way to learn our own limits than performing without a net? And I don't mean performing without a net with the realization that there is no net and any misstep will end in disaster. No, the realization that the net wasn't there won't come until ten to twenty years down the road when you look back on the moment and think, "Holy fuck, how did I survive my childhood?" Of course this, tragically, winds up in young people dying due to their inability to weigh risk properly. Some people would be less charitable and call it their own stupidity. But those are people who have yet to realize that their own survival to adulthood was probably based less on their grand intelligence and more on luck than they'd like to believe. I won't say their aren't adults who as kids or teens knew when the risks weren't worth it because I live with one. But generally, kids and teens don't put a shit ton of forethought into exactly how dangerous or stupid the fun activity they're about to engage in really is. Without even thinking long about it, I can come up with a dozen moments growing up where I was lucky to have escaped injury. I've never even had a broken bone which, thinking back on my youth, boggles my fucking mind. It definitely wasn't through a lack of, unconsciously, trying.

My nephew, when he was about twelve (he is now twenty-two), skateboarded down a hill near his dad Danny's home in Northern California. He crashed at the bottom and fractured his skull. His friend at the time ran up the hill to get my nephew's dad. Danny, who had been a skateboarder his entire youth, hopped on a skateboard and rode down the same hill to get to his son quicker. The thought still makes me laugh but it also makes me tear up to think about it. My nephew nearly killed himself because he didn't understand his own mortality. His dad risked his own life because he absolutely understood his son's own mortality. The same decision made by two different people but with various ways of processing risk versus reward. Everything turned out okay and, luckily, there weren't two people at the bottom of the hill with fractured skulls.

Duke Thomas continues his thoughts as he's set upon by some guy whose sister was into Duke and the guy didn't like it. He says in the above caption that not accepting his own mortality isn't one of his problems and yet he goes on to state how he's become an adrenaline junkie who loves getting into dangerous situations. That's exactly the type of person that doesn't understand their own mortality! All of those people who die doing some kind of extreme activity are those kinds of people! If they truly thought they were going to die during the activity, they wouldn't be partaking in the activity. Sure, the thrill fills the body with chemicals that can be as addictive as heroin, so, in a way, they don't totally have a choice. But people who do heroin don't think they're going to die when they do heroin. And yet some do. Those are people who don't appreciate their mortality! The ones who don't do heroin don't do it because it can fucking kill you and the only point of living is to have more life!

I know, I know. A bunch of adrenaline junkies who aren't reading this because they're out living life to the fullest--carpe diem bitches!--would say that the person not willing to risk their lives for very specific forms of excitement aren't really living. But then can't we all point to everybody not doing the thing we're doing and say, "You're not really living." In such a way, we convince ourselves that we are taking full advantage of the luckiest fucking draw in the universe to have been born a sentient human being (lucky depending on how you look at it, I guess. I'd rather be a cat. Or a raccoon. Maybe even a dolphin). Of course, the medium view is probably the most objective. Again, it's all about risk versus reward. Many extreme activities aren't really that risky. Jumping out of an airplane really isn't very risky. It's just that if everything that could go wrong does go wrong, you will die. I submit that because that's a possibility, the people jumping out of airplanes take extraordinary care in preparing for the activity. Whereas somebody texting on their phone and crossing the street are doing a normal, mundane activity and will probably not take extra precautions to ensure their safety. The less dangerous an activity, the less we prepare for dire outcomes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whether you're Duke Thomas looking to get into as many fights as possible or a shut-in controlling every aspect of your life to prevent an accident, awareness of your own mortality is your best defense against death. At the very least, it should keep you from putting an explosive on your head and winking out of existence in the blink of an eye.

Anyway, Duke beats the shit out of a bunch of guys and loses the girl.

What kind of fucking street punk walks around with that kind of a ninja weapon?

Duke Thomas winds up in front of Dr. Leslie Thompkins because that's where troubled kids prone to becoming superheroes wind up. Dr. Thompkins is looking pretty young here! I think if you're going to be a part of the DCyou, you have to be DCyouthful. Kids ain't got no time to be reading about fucking old people in their thirties and shit. Which is weird because Batman just went from being about 33 to being about 85! But at least he's wearing cool ass armor with bunny ears!

Fuck you, Duke Thomas. What are you? Fifteen? You don't understand the blatant homages to late 70s films! Even if you think you do! And that goes for all you young whippersnappers making faces while reading that!

Forget Tarantino. That guy's ultimately a hack! You want to watch a modern movie that feels like you're watching something straight out of the seventies? Go watch The Devil's Rejects. I think it's on Netflix right now. Rob Zombie worked some time travel magic on that film.

Duke Thomas has been shuffling about the foster system since his parents disappeared during Endgame. Leslie Thompkins believes they'll eventually find his parents. Too bad Bruce Wayne is dead right now. Duke's going to have to become Robin on his own. Along with every other troubled youth in Gotham, according to the cover. And those troubled youths want Duke Thomas on their team. Probably because he has Batman experience.

Duke's new foster family is the typical foster family! At least it must be since it's the only foster family the media or writers are interested in talking about. Never mind the family in which New 52 Billy Batson finds himself. That's obviously an anomaly and they're all horrible houses with adults just using the kids for the monthly paycheck. This family needed an older kid to babysit the younger kids and to clean the house. I hope Duke manages to win the hand of the prince at the ball in a later issue.

Duke sneaks out and heads off into the subway system to look for his parents. Maybe they're living in Ann Nocenti's magical underground kingdom that's just about as big as Gotham itself although nobody really knows anything about it and it's super secret and somehow doesn't turn Gotham into 85% sinkholes.

What's the initiation? Bathing in rat piss?

Once again, the people living underground resent the topsiders and feel they need to destroy them. Can't the people living underground just be happy that they've escaped the weary, workaday world above them and not have to be filled with a vengeful need to destroy them? Why are the majority of people in comic books willing to hate at the drop of a ratman's hat? Is that how the world really is? Am I blind to the fact that most people are ready to spew hatred and turn on anybody else for the most mild differences? Has hiding myself away and becoming a hermit caused me to give mankind the benefit of the doubt? If Superman were real and was a citizen of the United States of America, would most United States citizens fear and despise him? I mean, I know the rest of the world would because it would suddenly be as if the US had access to pinpoint accurate nuclear weapons without fallout radiation and a Star Wars Defense System all wrapped up in a package with a magnificent set of abdominal muscles. Although this isn't exactly that! This might be worse than people turning on Superman. A bunch of downtrodden citizens of Gotham have decided to become followers in the Cult of the Ratcatcher? I don't see that guy as being particularly charismatic.

Ratcatcher proclaims that Duke must be purified, so I'm guessing all these crazed assholes following him are under some kind of Rat Piss Mind Control Concoction. Maybe he's upped his own rat control game and can now control dirty rotten scumbag homeless people. I mean, people currently down and out and who are quite possibly suffering from mental illness. Remember the days when you could insult homeless people and nobody would care?! Jesus. Now it's like you have to respect everybody! It's crazy! Can't some group choose to take one for Team Earth?! I guess we're kind of deciding that group is white men, right? Mostly because society has taught most white men to think of themselves as individuals and not just as white men, so when a comedian makes fun of white men, it's just fine. I mean, as long as it's funny! Because a white man will be all, "Ha ha! White men totally do that!" without actually connecting their whiteness and maleness to the joke itself. It's like being born not just with Kevlar but with some kind of reality bending mechanism! It's why we think everybody wants to hear our opinions as well! I've written like 2500 blog posts just filled with my super important white man opinions! I'd probably have done 5000 if it wasn't for my stupid half-Spanish blood holding back some of my arrogance and trying to keep me in my place! Curse you, Spanish mother!

Here is my list of Matrilineal ancestral names: Vega, Bega, Ortega, Rodriguez, Sanchez. The "Vega" and "Bega" are really the same name but altered because of white ass Americans when the family came over to this country. They left from Malaga, Spain, went around South America because the Panama Canal had yet to be built, and arrived in Hawaii to work on the sugar cane plantations. From there, they traveled to the bay area in California which is where my white ass dad met my mother, they banged, and I was born! ¡Olé!

But We Are Robin saves the day!

Meet the crew: Hoodhat Robin! Scarf-Ace Robin! Spanner Mohawk Robin! Cutie Pie Robin! ¡El Mysterio Robin!

Meanwhile some guy in a ski cap sits in a room full of monitors watching We Are Robin through images broadcast to him via a Robot Bat. This guy also has a closet full of Robin uniforms. It's either Bruce Wayne or a huge pervert! It's also possibly a third option that would be somebody else that isn't a pervert or Bruce Wayne!

We Are Robin #1 Rating: This is a good comic book which the kids will love because it is full of kids doing heroic things. I bet it will also be full of kids crushing on each other, fucking, falling in and out of love, and doing all that Degrassi High stuff kids love! So they'll love it for those reasons too. Oh! I know a good possible third choice for the creepy guy! Alfred! Except he was opening a door with his right hand so that might be a bad guess!