Bloodlines #3

I wonder if spikes come out of Haley's secret piercing?

The Review!
Don't think there was any real action in this comic book simply because the cover depicts a huge battle. No battles happen here. Somebody gets an MRI. Somebody goes shopping. Duncan the Urban Hunter proves to everybody that his name is just as dangerous as it sounds. But there isn't any huge battle at all. It's almost as if comic books are immune to laws about false advertising! But if you like books about young teenagers getting super powers and you don't want to pick up any of the other teenage super group comic books, you might like this one. Eventually. You know, when the action begins.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with a man making the wrong choice in an ethical dilemma.

I wouldn't kill my family simply because they grew wings and tentacle fingers! Although if I hated my family, I suppose this would be a good excuse to finally pull the trigger.

I normally wouldn't judge somebody for killing their wife and child because who can say how terribly they were? But since the narrator asked if I could do the unthinkable, I'm going to respond with "No. No, I couldn't do the unthinkable because, by definition, I wouldn't have thought it. Ipso facto quod est verum. Aut aliquid." I know "jumped the gun" is a racing idiom but it's kind of becoming literal in this day and age. "Jumped the gun" can easily describe what cops do on a near daily basis. What I'm getting at is I think this guy jumped the gun by going straight to his gun to solve his problem. So his wife grew wings! And his son's fingers are now vomit-inducing penis substitutes! Big deal! They've obviously been inflicted with something and I don't think euthanasia is most people's go-to solution for battling disease. That threatening approach your wife is making as she totters down the hallway with her glowing red eyes and her arms extended? She might just want a hug and she can't walk straight because her feet have become claws and her eyes are glowing red because her tear ducts now produce light instead of tears! That's not a reason to shoot her in the face! I mean, it's a reason but it's not a great reason.

The guy who just murdered his family is Duncan the Urban Hunter. I guess "Urban Hunter" sounds better than "Violent Euthanasia Expert". Now that he killed his family, he has to justify their murder by going around the country murdering everybody else's families. He'll probably say things like "It's for their own good!" and "Putting them out of their misery is compassionate!" or "It'll cost way too much to nurse them back to health so putting them to sleep is the best option!" I'm glad he's the bad guy! Although he'll probably be kind of a good guy since bad people who gain Bloodlines powers should probably be slaughtered without any right to justice. Although he'll probably be a bad guy because he won't discriminate between good and bad people with Bloodlines powers. He probably just shoots anybody who looks slightly strange.

There's a mark on Blake's chest which I thought was just a third nipple. Apparently it's a sign that he was bitten by a Bloodlines Parasite because Duncan freaks the fuck out and begins trying to kill him. See? Duncan the Urban Hunter is the real Urban! I mean monster!

"What an awful, horrible perverted kid!" he said disingenuously.

Albert and Eddie track down Dana to get her to join their super group full of teenagers although neither of them have ever actually spoken to a woman so it's practically the team's first big hurdle. Meanwhile, Duncan goes around killing more people. I think he might be schizophrenic.

Haley, the woman who isn't like other woman, is sitting around her house in half a pair of shorts and some paint that looks like a tank top. She's visited by Blake for a reason other than to have sex with her. I know! She can hardly believe it herself! She's all, "You don't want to put your package in my drop box?" And he's all, "I don't want to blow up your drop box!" And she's all, "What an ego! Anyway, I'd probably cut open your package!" That's when they realize they both have horrible new super powers which makes it okay for the package to go in the drop box.

This is where the sex scene would have been scanned if the stupid narrative hadn't cut back to the nerds.

The nerds have broken into an MRI lab at the hospital. Albert is a genius so I'm assuming he has a good reasoning for running an MRI on himself and his teammates.

What the hell is Dana worried about? That they might see her pancreas?

The MRI reveals that there is some kind of alien parasite living inside of them. Wow! Good idea, Albert! I'm glad that panned out and you weren't just wasting comic book pages. I was sort of pissed that Albert just happened to know exactly what to do to figure out what was wrong with them. But then I knew I would be more pissed if the story had to work through a bunch of dead ends before they figured out what was going on. Plus, Albert is a genius, remember!

Eddie hulks out and smashes the MRI. Hopefully the kids can get out of there before they're caught and then nobody will get in trouble! Unless the hospital tracks whose card was last used to enter the lab and since Albert stole his dad's pass to gain entry, I guess Albert's dad is fucked.

Meanwhile, one of the people killed by Duncan the Urban Hunter crawls out of the morgue. I guess the alien parasites don't really care if the host is alive or dead.