Justice League 3001 #12

The Legion of Super-heroes if they were cool.

The Review!
According to some anonymous person on the internet (and who can we trust more to give us insightful analyses of our intensely personal selves?!), I'm an "edgelord". I could guess by the context what that meant but figured I should get the specific, community-voted on and approved definition, so I consulted Urban Dictionary for the factual facts.

A poster on an Internet forum, (particularly 4chan) who expresses opinions which are either strongly nihilistic, ("life has no meaning," or Tyler Durden's special snowflake speech from the film Fight Club being probably the two main examples) or contain references to Hitler, Nazism, fascism, or other taboo topics which are deliberately intended to shock or offend readers.

First off, somebody needs to edit that entry! Who thought that commas needed to be added before parenthetical references? Why isn't some Grammar Nazi combing through the Urban Dictionary with a lice-ridden fine-toothed comb to make it look better? Anyway, the first way in which I'm not an "edgelord" is that I do not post on Internet forums. I have my own blog where I get to spew my nihilistic garbage! Secondly, I'm not a nihilist. I'm an existentialist. More specifically, I'm a Situational Individualist. Fourthly, I never deliberately write anything to shock or offend. If I do shock or offend, that's the reader's issue for being so stodgy. But more importantly is the word "deliberate". I'm not deliberate in anything I do! I don't know how any single sentence I'm typing will end until it's already ended! I mean, you can tell where some of them are headed pretty well. Like that one about how sentences end. That was obvious where that was going.

But wait! There's a second definition! Maybe this one is closer to who I really am!

Fedora tipping, fat fuck that spends his life on anime cartoon message boards being a worthless pile of shit. Nobody likes this guy but he acts like he doesn't care. He's a pathetic, lost kissless virgin that should just kill himself.

Um, this one isn't anything like me either in lots of way that I don't have time to point out because I have to go lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and weep uncontrollably.

As for my review, nothing really resolves in this final issue. I guess Rebirth made it even more pointless than it already was. But at least there's hope for Batgirl 3001 to become a regular player in Rebirth Continuity!

The Commentary!
Hopefully this series will end with the destruction of the entire universe. Then Ambush Bug will stick his head out of the leftover imploded mass and say, "That's all folks!" Then he'll stick a carrot out of the side of hs mouth and waggle his eyebrows and say, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" as he runs into the void.

Colleen Doran is doing the art for this final issue so it only looks a little tiny bit like the art in the series overall (except for Issue #6). Not that Kolins looked like Porter or Porter looked like Bautista or any combination thereof. So I guess having Doran finish up the final issue is consistent enough, especially if you're into patterns. She apparently is doing every 6th issue.

This issue begins back when the Terries were still themselves.

I don't know what's going on here but it's one of two things! I hope it's the sexy one!

After Teri finishes doing whatever she's doing, the narrative returns to the present where Justice League 3001 are battling The Legion of Super-Not-So-Much-Heroes and Eclipso. It's a good thing the Legion are there or Eclipso would get his ass kicked immediately. Who thought he should ever be more than just a minor threat? Who decided this guy was a force to be reckoned with? He's just a vampire with a stupid hood who has replaced biting people in the neck with diamonds and anger! But DC couldn't leave him alone as a minor villain. He had to become a godlike threat. Although can a person be a godlike threat if they can be defeated by a nice day?

See? Batgirl knows what's what!

The main conflict this issue is between Teri and Terry. One of them is now The Flash and the other is now Eclipso. One is trying to make the universe a place where everybody is free to do what they choose, the other is trying to make it not that. I don't know which is the good guy because on the one hand, I like being able to do whatever I want. On the other hand, I think it's the cause of all of my problems and anxieties. Maybe The Bible was right! Paradise is not having free will! Paradise is when the biggest choice in your life is getting to choose which animal you want to fuck! Personally, I'm glad Adam didn't choose any of the animals God offered and held out for another human being. I'm so mad at Adam and Eve right now for blowing it for everybody! And by "blowing it for everybody", I suppose I mean blowing it for themselves since they never would have had children if they hadn't blown it and I wouldn't be bothered with any of this. Also, I'm angry at two fictional people now. I should be angry at my parents for wanting a second child! I could be content in oblivion right now! Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!

Eventually, after all the beatings and one-liners, Lady Styx reveals that the Wonder Twins Teri and Terry are her children. That explains everything! I guess. Somehow. I suppose it explains why Lady Styx doesn't want either of them dead. And to make sure Teri the Flash doesn't wind up dead before Lady Styx can get her ducks in a row, she sends her back in time to the 21st Century where she can be relevant to DC Continuity! And just so she's not lonely, she sends her back with Batgirl! I hope Batgirl winds up at Gotham Academy!

The issue ends with a "To be continued...?" because I guess at the time of cancellation, Geoff Johns hadn't yet decided if he wanted Giffen and DeMatteis mucking around in the Rebirth Universe. That's probably why they were given the Scooby Doo assignment!

Justice League 3001 #10

All women are beautiful in their own way! On an unrelated note, does anybody know how to clean vomit out of a keyboard?

Rating: This is a comic book that works on its own. It's in its own little universe doing its own little thing and not bothering any of the actual DC continuity. That means people who don't give a shit about DC continuity but enjoy a fairly entertaining book loaded with characters they'll recognize from the Preboot days might enjoy this series. But for people who just want to read books that are canon so that they can know everything about the "actual" DC Youniverse, this book can be ignored. Because who needs to read something that won't bolster your knowledge of DC with which you can "actually" your friends whenever they mention any DC hero at all? What a huge waste of time!

• All the male members of the Justice League 3001 have been killed. Probably been killed. Most likely been "comic book killed" which means they'll be back at a later date. Except this future universe has probably run out of later dates due to Rebirth. So I guess they're all really dead.

• Nobody really cares that they're dead because they're not part of any real DC continuity!

• Who saw this week's Supergirl starring The Flash? Isn't it interesting how that team-up basically happened the same weekend as Batman Loves Superman was playing in theaters? And isn't it interesting how it showed the kind of super hero team-up that people enjoy? They were so fucking adorable together! No misunderstandings. No punches. No arguments. Just ice cream and hugs! Why can't Superman and Batman play nice like that?

• This issue is called "To Have and Have G'nort". Uh oh.

• I didn't realize this at the time but Scott Lobdell wrote the G'nort stories in the Green Lantern Corps Quarterly books back in the nineties. They were just as awful as you're imagining they were. And if you weren't just now imagining how awful they were and were thinking, "Really? I need to find back issues of those!", fuck you.

• G'nort appears and he's over one thousand years old. Just imagine how old that is in dog years!

• If you can do math, you don't have to imagine how many years that is because you can figure it out. Although I can't stand the whole concept of "dog years" or "cat years". It's not like they're somehow zipping around the sun seven times faster than humans. And if you're going to tell me that my fifteen year old cat is equivalent to a hundred and five year old person, I'd point out that I've never seen an elderly human jump up on the kitchen counter from a standstill. And most three to seven year old humans can't get pregnant. How about we all just agree to talk about animals in their actual ages. Because I pretty much know what to expect from a thirteen year old cat if you just tell me its thirteen. But if you're going to tell me it's 91, I won't say anything for a bit as I try to divide by seven and figure out the cat's actual, non-stupid age.

• G'nort works for Larfleeze scavenging worlds that Lady Styx has reduced to rubble.

• Supergirl's new costume makes it look like she's wearing a belt to hold up her vagina.

• Meanwhile, Lady Styx has Eclipso working with the Legion of Super-villains to destroy the Justice League 3001. Remember when Eclipso was just a piece of shit nobody but then DC decided they wanted to make him some kind of powerful godlike threat? So they had the big Eclipso Crossover Summer Annual Event and it was...well, it was just about as good as all of their other big summer annual crossover events: not very. Shit, it was so poorly thought out that Eclipso's hideout was on the dark side of the moon and to defeat him, the super heroes had to reflect the sun's light onto his headquarters. In comic book terms, that meant a big plan that was tough to pull off. In real world terms, that meant waiting until the moon orbited the earth so that the "dark side" was facing the sun.

• This issue has a back-up feature starring Lois Lane and Ariel Masters on a pleasure planet! Oh boy!

• Hmm. That's not the kind of pleasure I was hoping for.

Justice League 3001 #6

I'd be more excited about Eclipso 3001 appearing if Porter's name hadn't turned into Doran. No offense, Colleen!

Batman and Supergirl are discovering that children born on Takron-Galtos are allowed to remain on Takron-Galtos if they choose. I don't know when they get that choice and I don't know what protections they have under the law when they're born to two criminals serving life on the prison planet. Tina Sung, the current Takron-Galtos Batman, is fifteen years old and a citizen (not inmate!) of Takron-Galtos. So she's kind of like Bane but with the choice to remain in prison? Of course she gets to roam around prison in a huge suit of Bat-armor so it seems like a good set up.

Batman decides to adopt Tina because he hasn't had a Robin in about one thousand years. While he and Sheriff Tariq get the paperwork together, Harley Quinn 3001 watches from outside the police station.

Er. Um. Watched from outside the police station.

The Scullions are hunting Batman for their Lord and Master who has yet to be revealed. Does Batman have an enemy who is a chef of some kind? He must, right? Maybe Eclipso now runs a chain of restaurants across the universe and killing Batman is a viral marketing campaign to boost sales.

Other Scullions are currently destroying Cadmusworld because I guess it's served its purpose. And more Scullions arrive to help kill Batman since Supergirl has wound up being tougher than they expected.

Eventually the Justice League 3001 arrive to help destroy the Scullions.

Or not.

Superman's head is gone which probably means he's dead. Unless new genetically modified Superman has some of the most incredible regenerative powers since Lobo, Firestorm 3001 is going to have to create a new Superman. And that might be an issue since Cadmusworld has recently been destroyed.

Justice League 3001 #6 Rating: No change. Not much happened this issue. I mean, sure, Superman 3001 died! So that's kind of something. But it was the only something that really sort of mattered, aside from a bunch of Scullions speaking overly politely with each other while not revealing the name of their boss (although it must be Eclipso because of the cover, right? Spoiler?). I really won't mind if Superman 3001 never returns. Giffen and DeMatteis have made most of these characters so one-dimensional that the loss of any of them isn't a big deal. Besides, the book has so many superheroes in it, the loss of any one of them just means more lines or repeated jokes for the others. I just hope the next story arc isn't Reign of the Superman 3001.