DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man (June 1983)

I've never seen the phrase "triple-threat" used so incorrectly.

Gil Kane drew the cover of this issue just in case you were wondering, like me, "Who decided to draw Ralph Dibny like a fancy boy desperate to play with the older, more rough and tumble boys?" If you were thinking that like I was, were you also thinking this (like I was!): "I wonder where on Ralph's spiraling torso his balls are?"

What I'm trying to ask is, "Are you like me? Or am I desperately alone in this cold and uncaring universe?" I used to think the universe was described as cold and uncaring because rocks and space and the majority of things in the universe are cold and uncaring. Stars, if I'm doing the pretend math in my head correctly (it's pretend because making up numbers by pure guessing isn't actually math), make up just 0.000000000000000003% of the universe. So it's cold! And it's uncaring only because we, as sentient beings, love to project our own sentience onto every other thing in the universe, like stars and Ralph Dibny's balls. And right up until the last decade or so, I would have characterized the universe differently because we live among other sentient creatures who are often warm and caring. But then I learned most of them are not those things at all and they're more like asteroids and infinite expanses of cold vacuum and the majority of planets. They're also like the end of most living creatures where the defecation happens. Why do you think so many people are so cold and uncaring? It's probably because they've never read a book or enjoyed poetry or experienced and connected with another sentient beings most intimate artistic creation. They're just superficial dickfucks who have only ever pursued sex, money, and power. Man, those people suck so much I can't even think of an artistic way to express how much I think they suck. All I can do is envision a dirty, hairy ape squatting over a Van Gogh and spraying a terribly soft shit across it. That's what I see when I see those kinds of people. Sadly, those kinds of people now make up 99.999999999999999997% of all sentient beings in the universe.

Hopefully this comic book will make me feel better about the living wet shits populating the world around me because it's about Superman, Robin, and Elongated Man! They're like three of the most upbeat personalities in the DC Universe! If they can't make me see the wonder and joy of existence, my next comic book might as well be a loaded gun!

I don't know what their original crime was but they just asked a teenaged boy to touch them.

It's good to see Batman has taught Robin to kick his adversaries directly in the dick. Superman, on the other hand, goes straight for the heart. Probably to make their heart go into arrhythmia so the criminal panics and thinks they're having a heart attack as opposed to actually stopping their heart and killing them. Do you think Superman uses his x-ray vision to make sure a normal human being doesn't have any heart problems before he punches them in the heart unlike Batman who just shrugs and thinks, "If they didn't want to get punched into a heart attack, they shouldn't have decided to be poor and desperate and turn to crime. I didn't kill them; poor health and life decisions killed them."

Dibny just punches the guy in the heart because he's copying Superman. Sue loves when Ralph pretends to be Superman in the bedroom so he's learning as much as he can on this adventure. Mostly Sue loves Ralph pretending to be Superman because Superman doesn't have stretching powers and it forces Ralph to not do weird shit during sex, like putting his nose up her asshole while they kiss.

The issue begins with a dad abusing his son.

I'll only forgive this father if he thinks he's taking his kid to see a sex show and/or elephants shitting.

Turns out I can't forgive the father because he believes a "real show" is comprised of clowns, lions, and monkeys. I suppose that line-up doesn't rule out a terrific show but I highly doubt this circus feeds clowns to the lions while the monkeys throw shit at the audience. If that was the show the dad was talking about, he and his son are about to be sorely disappointed as it turns out the Elongated Man and Robin have taken over the circus for a charity event. It's either for Retired Circus Performers or Circus Kids with PTSD from Seeing Their Parents Murdered During a Performance.

The performance is disturbing enough that I'm not willing to scan any of the panels lest I be accused of running an erotic site for NAMBLA members. Just know that Robin swings from and bounces all over Ralph's body while Ralph grins disturbingly.

"Why can't my boy share my enthusiasm for my erotic club that somehow isn't explicitly illegal?"

For some reason, Clark Kent covers the circus's charity event as the anchorman for WGBS news. Maybe he suspects Lex Luthor's behind the event trying to fund some anti-Superman waste of everybody's time. I often comment how Batman could use therapy but never mention Lex's dire need for it. That's probably because he's an evil super villain and everybody simply assumes that all evil super villains could use therapy. But specifically Lex since he bases all of his schemes over destroying a made-up rival. I say "made-up" because you know Clark Kent doesn't spend any actual time thinking about Lex personally. And I don't mean that in a Don Draper in an elevator saying, "I don't think about you at all," kind of way because it's obvious all Don Draper does is think about his young up and coming competition. Clark would forget about Lex in a matter of minutes if Lex just stopped being a kryptonite pain in his ass.

What I can only assume are three men dressed as NAMBLA mascots interrupt Clark Kent's news report.

These are the guys who plead for Robin to touch them so I'm simply assuming they're with NAMBLA.

For the younger generations, "chump" was basically the "cunt" of the '50s. I know this comic book is from 1983 but it was written by a man born in 1952 and I'm assuming Mike W. Barr, being a comic book writer, suffers from some form of arrested development so he probably, at 30, still thought of "chump" as pretty rebellious.

Instead of punching Clark's stupid lights out, the NAMBLA mascots run right through him (because they're intangible). It's 1983 so that's probably not a crime although I'd say it's not just physical assault but sexual assault as well. If anybody ever actually gains the power to phase right through shit, I am stating right here and now that they do not have my consent to enter and pass through my body, no matter how much time it saves them getting to Point B.

There's an advert for Dungeons & Dragons in this comic book because they knew Satanists were really into comic books.

Look at this table full of nerds! I mean budding Satanists!

If I were a weird online incel weirdo, I'd probably scream about how woke this scene depicting kids playing role playing games was. But I'm actually an old person who was playing table top role playing games at the time this advert came out and our table was almost always 50% girls and 50% boys. Weird, hunh? Although by high school, our gaming group was exclusively boys but that's because women mature faster and the girls who used to play with us were out getting laid and going to parties while we were role playing doing those things with other guys.

Clark, being super smart, certainly realizes he should just step on this guy's feet to immobilize him since his feet must be tangible to be able to produce friction with the ground to propel himself forward!

Maybe Clark's even smarter than that and has decided, if this guy's intangible, how much chaos can he cause? Just let him run around not being able to touch anything until his little criminal mind gets tired and bored. What a stupid super power. Unless you're main goal is to completely aggravate your sibling on a road trip, not being able to touch somebody doesn't seem like it'll allow you to accomplish much.

The Intangibles rush through the side of the tent and begin scaring the horses pulling the cages containing the wild animals. A tiger gets loose and an elephant stampedes. So I guess they can cause chaos but to what end? To steal the proceeds from the charity event, one of them will have to become tangible long enough for Robin to get his head in a scissor lock with his crotch mashed against the guy's face. Then the father of the son who hates him will stand up and applaud and everybody around him will be all, "Why's he got that huge wet spot on the inseam of his pants?"

Robin takes out the tiger with sleeping gas while Ralph attempts to stop the elephant. But Superman gets there first.

I probably would have stopped it in one of the many other ways that wasn't "grab it by its dick."

Elongated Man doesn't seem too upset that Superman jerked off an elephant to save the day while Ralph humiliated himself by rubber banding his body around a bunch of posts for no reason.

The elephant wasn't upset either.

Superman's next move is to use his x-ray vision on the Intangibles which feels redundant and unscientific even if it isn't. Can x-ray vision help him see fog better? Not see in and through the fog better! But to help him see the fog better. How would his x-ray vision help when looking into an insubstantial person? I need these questions answered before I can continue to enjoy this comic book! It was fine when Superman pulled the elephant's penis and then the elephant grinned from flappy ear to flappy ear. That's understandable! But what use is using x-ray vision on an intangible person?!

But what did you expect it to reveal?! I'm beginning to see why Lex Luthor hates this stupid fucking jackass.

Superman does try to destroy the Intangible Man's foot with his heat vision which, as I pointed out earlier, was a good idea. But even that doesn't do anything. That must mean these Intangible men are simply projections of light with some super ventriloquism added! It's all a big illusion. Ralph Dibny wiggles his nose at them so he's probably beginning to suspect the truth. Robin hasn't been seen since he put the tigers to sleep and Superman beat off the elephant. I'm not suggesting Robin's doing anything untoward but if he reappears with tiger semen stains on his outfit, I won't be surprised.

Meanwhile, a tangible man in an intangible man's outfit fiddles with some doohickeys in a van nearby, recording all of Superman's attempts to use his super visions: x-ray, microscopic, telescopic, and heat. I guess it's common knowledge that he has those abilities because the guy's van's computer seems set up simply to tick off every time Superman uses one. Eventually Superman decides that throwing his "indestructible cape" over the intangible person should do the trick because he's the dumbest fucking asshole I've ever seen. God, no wonder Lex Luthor hates him. It's like when I see high school friends posting on Facebook and it makes me want to destroy them completely! Not just because they post the dumbest alt-reality shit but because they're so confident in their idiocy! No wonder these dumb jerks call so many people elitist. I guess if I were a stupid fuck who believed all the dumb shit in the world and somebody was all, "You're dumb," I'd think they were being elitist too! Nobody wants to do any rigorous self-examination just to come up with the realization that they're as stupid as everybody says they are.

A guy I knew back in the old neighborhood growing up posted recently, "But us conspiracy 'theorists' are nuts...crazy...out of our minds, right?!?!" He then followed his statement up with the craziest fucking video as evidence that his beliefs weren't crazy. I saw that post and instantly shaved my head and began wearing only purple and green outfits.

Seeing Superman fail with his cape, Robin decides maybe he'll have better luck than Superman at catching an uncatchable person.

Batman's not even here. Just call it a fucking rope, you kiss ass.

What do you think turns an ordinary rope into a Batrope? It must be made of bats, right?

After the Intangibles disappear, Superman, Robin, and Ralph try to figure out what just happened. Superman somehow gleans that they got him to use all of his vision powers but can't figure out how that could be meaningful. I figure it's so meaningless that if I were Superman the thought never even would have occurred to me! But he's hanging out with some great detectives so he's really trying to pull his weight here. Ralph realizes that the Intangibles didn't sink into the ground which doesn't make any sense because if they were intangible and didn't have any mass, why would they sink? Maybe he's just dumbing down the whole science of friction for Superman. It's easier to be all "How did their feet touch the ground if they weren't corporeal?" than to be all "How could they propel themselves forward if they had no surface area to push against the surface area of the ground?" See? Even I'm dumbing it down for Superman although mostly because I don't know how to realistically explain the science of movement and mass and insubstantiality! I think it has something to do with one of Newton's half-dozen laws.

Being that Superman and his detective friends won't be figuring out what happened any time soon, the comic book shifts to the perspective of the Intangible Men who explain everything as concisely as possible.

I don't understand the power of harnessing visual powers to somehow make his intangibility real but I do understand workers being taken advantage of by corporations! Go Frank!

Superman still has one vision power that the intangibles didn't get their grubby Hollywood mitts on: super-vision! I guess that vision allows him to see radiation and, luckily for Supers (unluckily for everybody at the circus that day), the Intangible projections left behind a whole mess of radiation! Does that explain how the projections could project through the walls of the circus tent? Or did the Intangibles set up projectors all over the circus in preparation for the event? That would be my guess because then Ralph and Dick's eventual realization that some Hollywood types were behind the chaos would make sense because they could have conducted interviews with the performers about any strange people they saw before the show which would have led them to discovering holographic projectors set up everywhere which would have led them to tracing the serial numbers on the projectors which would have given them the credit cards used to buy the equipment which would have led them to the business that purchased the equipment which would have led them to Frank's hideout in Hollywood. Instead, they figured it out like this:

Only a truly stupid deduction like this and the assumption that they must go to California to investigate could make me ignore filling this caption with sexual comments about the way Ralph's riding Robin and Superman.

Meanwhile in California which is where anybody who can do special effects lives, the Intangible Man decides to steal the third movie in a popular movie franchise. Usually that wouldn't be enough of a reason to whip out your cop gun and shoot the guy stealing the film but the director just told everybody, loudly and clearly, that he was carrying the only print of the film! Also I was just joking about that thing where a cop wouldn't shoot somebody for stealing a film. Fucking cops only know how to shoot shit. They can't actually solve crimes so they try to stop crime by showing repeatedly that they'll shoot anybody they want to. That's somehow supposed to make people feel safer. Usually it only makes racists feel safer because they assume cops won't shoot white people for no reason. But they're wrong. Cops will shoot anybody for no reason! They just can't get enough of it!

Now the Intangible Man will be charged with the murder of the two people the cop shot because District Attorneys are as corrupt as cops. They have to be or the cops won't testify for them!

See that? Somehow the harnessed powers of x-ray vision, telescopic vision, microscopic vision, and heat vision have come together to allow a man to be partly intangible and partly tangible at the same time! This comic book came out in 1984. Why haven't the kids who read this then and grew up to be scientists because of it invented this technology? I bet they have but the government covered it up. Or the tech industry disrupted it when some loser with no ideas but could charm the money out of rich idiots was all, "Forget intangibility. Don't you think people would rather be completely tangible for only a small monthly subscription fee?!"

The Intangibles somehow decide they're now worth 25 million dollars after stealing a film they can't release or sell because everybody knows it's been stolen and the slippers Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz (which, you know, also can't be sold since they were so publicly stolen by these idiots). But their goal doesn't seem to be making money; it just seems to be in possessing items worth the most money ever stolen by any gang ever. Apparently they're just playing Grand Theft Auto but in real life (real life in this comic book, I mean).

How does that help, Robin? Do you understand time zones at all?!

I'm glad to see Robin kneeling on Superman's back instead of straddling it. When I say that, I'm speaking of my brain. My penis isn't glad to see it at all. Also I'm assuming Robin is the 19 year old teen wonder because I wouldn't want it to be weird. Although it's already weird (and completely fantastical) that I'd be interested in a twink like Robin. Have you not read all of my Justice League America reviews? I'm obviously into Ice Maiden and her constant under boob shots.

Superman scans all the Hollywood studios with his super-vision looking for the radiation signature left behind at the circus until he finds it all over a small studio in the Hollywood hills.

Ew. There's only one thing I can think of that Robin's using as a seat belt.

Superman breaks through the wall of the studio with his invulnerable body and Robin's face. Surprised, Frank pulls a gun plugged into a computer on Superman. Superman's all, "Ha ha! Give it your best shot!" And Frank is all, "Pyu! Pyu!" And Superman is all, "Oh fuck! I've made a huge mistake!" Frank thought the gun would make Superman intangible but instead it just fucked up his eyesight a little bit. Superman acted like it was the end of the world but I guess when you're used to 20/20 vision, suddenly seeing everything distorted can be a really slight irritation. At the very least, it causes enough of a distraction for Frank to get away.

Except Frank doesn't try to get away. He just watches Superman stumble around while thinking, "Well! That takes care of that!" Ralph and Robin also don't try to subdue the guy with the gun. Instead they follow Superman as he stumbles around the room. Is nobody going to take any of this seriously?

Um. What's with the glove? What does he plan on doing to these two?

Superman flies up into the atmosphere while Robin tries to kick a known intangible person in the dick. Seriously. That's twice in one comic book where Robin immediately begins the fight by going for some guy's junk. Superman doesn't have a clear idea how he's going to fix his vision. Maybe getting close to the sun and super healing? Anyway, before he can deal with his eyesight, he happens upon a plane that's going to crash due to damage to one of its wings. But Superman, having learned a few things about erotic massage from dating Lana, quickly fixes the plane without any need from his fucked up eyes.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff!

Superman flies up near the sun to stare into it and cure his fucked up eyes. Don't ask me how long it takes for Superman to get to the sun and back for two main reasons: this is a comic book and I'm an idiot. The only numbers I can come up with are "at least 16 minutes" and "probably four months." Neither of those numbers seem great for Robin and Ralph's survival against the show-biz folks. I guess they're dead, especially since there's only like two pages left in this story. I imagine one page shows Ralph and Robin being murdered and the final page shows Superman crying over their beaten and bloodied bodies.

Robin stole that breeze line from Superman!

In case you thought I was exaggerating about Superman staring directly into the sun from a few feet away, that caption should convince you to trust everything I say in these blogs. Like how Superman pulled an elephant's dick until it came and Robin wrapped Ralph's dick around himself for safety reasons.

Superman shows up just in time to take the credit for catching these guys even though Robin and Ralph have it all sorted. Then Robin makes a bad pun and Superman says, "How does Batman stand you?" And then Superman and Ralph laugh while Robin cries.

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man Rating: C. It was pretty fucking stupid. But it was entertainingly stupid which, really, is all I ask for from a comic book. Unless it's written by a British writer from the 1980s and then I expect my mind to be blown. The best part about this issue was the next issue blurb!

Ambush Bug! I have that issue somewhere!

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #6

How is Deadshot not constantly being shot and killed by people on the left side of his body?

The Review!
Halo and Katana and Cat are now a family so I don't care about any other changes that come with Rebirth. This was all I needed. Just them, together. And on the opposite side of the comic book in the second story, Lawton returns to his family too! I mean, he loses his real family which is his daughter. But the Suicide Squad is more of a family to Floyd than Suchin, right? She's so boring. Always wanting to do little kid things that usually aren't invading another country, murdering murderers, and causing violent mayhem all across the globe. Her violent mayhem is limited to the playground. I like this format for Suicide Squad stories centering around specific characters. It's relatively cheap for two comic books and since the characters are bound to the Squad, it's less likely that the person purchasing the comic book will be dissatisfied with one of the stories. Unless, of course, one of the stories winds up being written by Scott Lobdell. Then I'd feel conflicted buying this even if the other story were written by Peter Milligan.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with the conclusion to the Katana story first. That's disappointing because I'm most interested in the Katana story and I might lose interest by the time I get to the Deadshot story. I assume the Deadshot story will be comprised of the death of Will Evans and Suchin's tearful goodbye to Floyd as he's taken back to Belle Reve where Amanda Waller will do the Running Man and then the Back the Bus Up and then the Cabbage Patch and end it with a quick, smooth Pop and Lock.

The Aurakles have decided they enjoy feeling emotions and one emotion they want to feel is genocide. That might not be an emotion but this is the universe where willpower is an emotion, so I'm standing by my statement. The only way to stop the Aurakles is to threaten to kill the only one of their own that's currently vulnerable: the one in Violet Harper's body. So with her Soulsucker sword up against Violet's trachea, Katana backs the fuck out of the room. That should buy her and the Squad a few pages!

Meanwhile, the Markovian army continues to attack Kobra's Ark with their ineffective Eastern Bloc weapons scavenged from the Soviet's crumbling empire. Although according to Batman and the Outsiders, Markovia isn't actually an Eastern Bloc country at all!

The Narrator failed geography.

Prince Brion has yet to crash into Markovia's experimental geothermal power station, so he's not that idiot Geoforce yet. He's just the regular royal idiot he's always been. Although his sister has her super powers if The Ravagers is still in continuity! What happened there?

Katana learns that the Aurakles can be killed by combining electricity with the Soulsucker. Too bad Black Lightning isn't part of these new Outsiders! It would make it much easier to keep the Aurakles from killing them all. Kind of like back in the original Batman and the Outsiders! Hopefully Enchantress memorized a bunch of Lightning Bolt spells. I wonder if the Soulsucker has any new powers now that it has an Aurakle trapped within it?

After Enchantress tries to separate the Aurakle from Violet, the Aurakle takes over control of Violet's body. Now that's the Halo I had a crush on! The innocent blank slate! Violet Harper was a selfish jerk who totally did it with guys and shot up with the drugs! Hmm. Now that I've matured, I realize I like Violet Harper better.

The Aurakles return to once again try to convince their lost sheep to return to them. But now it wants to stay because it really likes having a vagina. Probably. That's why I would stay. Plus the breasts.

She did memorize Lightning Bolt! I mean, it's not that surprising. Unless she totally filled up on Fireballs, what else is worth memorizing? Water Breathing? Clairaudience? Okay, maybe Haste! But who wants to age their characters prematurely?!

The Suicide Squad cripple Kobra's Ark and it begins falling out of the sky. The Squad manage to get aboard some escape pods but Katana and Halo remain on board to die. For some reason. I guess some people just like the idea of becoming a martyr. Katana, not Halo! Halo is unconscious! Kobra has escaped as well and Eve is safely tucked away in the Soulsucker sword.

Before the ship crashes, Halo wakes up, picks up Katana, and flies to safety, even though everybody is going to point and laugh at her ridiculous costume. That shit has got to change. Come on, Rebirth! What good are you if not for fixing stupid crap like this?

The story ends happily ever after for everybody except Kobra, Eve, and Battleaxe. It even makes me tear up at the end and say, "Oh, come on!"

The part that got me isn't even the cat finding a family bit or the Halo not understanding hunger and being so adorable! It was that bit way down in the bottom right-hand corner!

Next up is Deadshot's story! Maybe I should have been demarcating the two halves of the comic book with a bold header of some kind! Oh well. Too late now! This shit is almost over!

Luckily Will Evans took Suchin because now Waller doesn't have to convince Floyd to kill Evans for her. Everybody's needs are lining up with each other! Except for Evans' needs! His need is to kill Lawton so that he can get all the Deadshot pay he deserves. But there's no way he's ever going to take over Lawton's job, especially when this story begins with Lawton showing compassion and rescuing three children. That's like the opposite of kidnapping and threatening the life of a child!

Floyd and Will play a game of Deathmatch Island. Two Deadshots walk in, one Deadshot steps over the body of Will Evans walking out.

This sums up the story for people who don't care about the whole father/daughter relationship thing.

Anyway, Lawton is back on the Squad. He and Waller seem to have come to some kind of understanding that they can work with. And Suchin gets to live in Australia. At least until somebody tells her that she isn't living in Australia at all and Waller lied to her and she turns bitter and angry and eventually follows in her father's footsteps.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #5

Another gay black character is going to be killed for no reason! What is this Orange is the New Black?

The Review!
I rewatched Adaptation last night and I think the theme of that movie was that writing is masturbation. No wonder I'm really into both of those. There may have been some other themes too but I was too interested in the masturbation one. I think Baker's The Fermata had that same theme! I remember not really caring much about Adaptation the first time I saw it. But maybe I like it a little better now. Kaufman really nails how writing about writing truly is the masturbation of writing. But writing to please an audience isn't so great either. Writing to please oneself? Well, we're back to the masturbation analogy. But what else is there, really? If you're not into self-pleasure, why bother with life at all? I realize when I get caught up in criticism and expectation (like how people expect a comic book review out of me), I get bogged down in doubt and trite bullshit. I'm much better at simply being comfortable masturbating with an audience. If they want to watch, that's up to them and their issues! If they're turned off by it then they can look away. I just need to continue to do it my way. You know, slow at first with a lot of shaft play and then quicker while really giving my testicles a pounding. I'm talking about my writing style, you pervs! Do you think I'd actually describe to strangers how I masturbate? Um, and the comic was pretty good and all that. It had art and lettering and stuff. Number out of Number. Would probably not read again but that's just because I have a lot to read and not an indication of quality so maybe I should have just left it out.

The Commentary!
I think Orange is the New Black made a mistake by having Bayley accidentally kill Poussey. I get that they want to show how the prison industrial complex ruins everybody's lives, even a white guy who has broken the law multiple times while growing up who eventually gets a job in a prison so that he can accidentally kill an inmate and even then still get away from having his life ruined by a corrupt system even though that seems to be the theme of the season. I knew Poussey was going to die because she was separate from all the drama and her story arc was moving her to a happier and happier place every episode. Television writers are so predictable. But she shouldn't have been accidentally killed and it certainly shouldn't have been by Bayley. Showing how often Bayley should have been in trouble and contrasting that with Poussey's life was enough to show how arbitrary it is as to who is wearing the orange jumper and who is wearing the uniform. If Poussey was going to be killed, it should have just been by that maniac Humphries. Or better yet, have Humphries obviously killing Poussey and kill Bayley as he saves her life doing the fucking job he's supposed to be doing. Leave his body on the floor for a day or two and put Poussey in medical in critical condition. There are multiple ways to tell the story sticking to the theme of the season and it's telling that the writers chose the one they did. Everything could have played out the same way with the prison exploding into a riot after Caputo gives his press conference expressing how the prison did everything by the book and seemingly letting Humphries off the hook. Or the press conference could have painted the prisoners as the reason a guard died, completely ignoring the actions of the maniacs currently posing as prison guards.

I'm not saying people wouldn't still be angry! Viewers would probably be upset that the writers were trying to get them to feel sorry and mourn for a white guy! But Poussey would still be alive. Not that I care. I stopped being emotionally invested when Tank Girl was sent to psych.

This issue begins with a prison screw up of its own. And maybe a death soon too! Lawton has escaped solitary at Belle Reve and Amanda Waller wants to kill whoever fucked up. Although I don't think she kills employees. I mean non-Squad employees! She kills those ones...well, never, actually. I wanted to say regularly but there has been a dearth of death in this stupid comic book about a squad nicknamed "Suicide Squad" due to the high probability of members dying. They never die! Ever! It's more dangerous to be one of Waller's assistants at this point! This comic book should be called Suicide Secretary.

After removing his neck bomb and escaping Belle Reve, Deadshot's first order of business is finding his reason to live. Or his reason not to hurtle himself toward death at every opportunity, anyway.

Did anybody even consider using this cover? Sometimes touching sells better than violence! Emotional touching not pederasty!

Amanda plans on ruining Deadshot's plans because she's a jerk who hates when people get one over on her. Also maybe she's doing it because Deadshot is a mass murderer (or is he a serial killer?) who should be locked up for the rest of his life, no matter how much he and his daughter love each other. Deadshot may have been able to run off to Australia with his daughter but he's not a responsible dad. Instead of making Suchin his priority, he makes killing the false Deadshot his number one on the to-do list. And since Amanda isn't stupid (just mean and stubborn and a bully and a jerk and not fat anymore), she plans on having the Squad ambush Deadshot when he goes to kill Deadshot. Good thing Harley Quinn is going to turn on Deadshot and throw in with Deadshot!

Except Deadshot has put Suchin first. He doesn't mind leaving Will Evans to be the new Deadshot. He just had to get some money for his life on the run by killing a bunch of Falcone's men for some dirty diamonds. While Floyd is away getting the money, Will kills Suchin's foster family and kidnaps her. I know his plan is to get Deadshot to come after her so Will can kill him. But did Will really think it through? Isn't this just going to piss off Deadshot so that he makes sure Will dies a miserable, painful, excruciating, add as many more synonyms for painful as you want death? A better plan — a Deadshot plan! — would have been to wait with a sniper rifle on the roof of a building across from where Suchin was located to shoot Floyd in the head without Floyd ever knowing anything was wrong! Will isn't a good Deadshot at all.

The Katana story is called "Call Her Halo" which makes my heart go pitter-patter-splooge. I had such a huge crush on Halo when I was much, much younger and reading Batman and the Outsiders. I would explain why but how can you translate the desires of the heart? I suppose if you're crass, you could say something like "Her ass reminded me of a freshly laid out buffet and I, the only diner." Although at the age I was when I first crushed on Halo, I could never have even begun to imagine the pleasure of giving a thorough rim job. Butts were gross! Although oddly compelling. Maybe I just liked the way she had some color in her hair and the way she would press her kitten firmly against her spandex-clad bosom? Who am I to solve the mysterious complexities of love and affection?

I bet the main reason I loved her was that she was fictional and I could put her on a pedestal and believe she was whatever I wanted her to be because she didn't actually have any real personality! Loving a real person is so hard! You have to be all, "Oh! You're so interesting! You have wants and desires too? And they're different from mine? Oh, I'm not bored at all by your speaking! Will you touch my penis after you're done talking? Or maybe just a little while you are?"

Why was Kobra investigating science?

Surprisingly (to me, anyway), Katana and the Suicide Squad were not killed at the end of the last issue! They used a magic trick to appear to be somewhere where they were not. Enchantress claims it is real magic but I suspect it was done with mirrors. Katana manages to hitch a ride on Kobra's Ark using her belt-scarf as a lasso. She's practically a ninja so I was totally not thinking, "Pshaw! Even for a comic book, this strains my credulity!" Mostly I didn't think that because I don't know what "credulity" means.

The Suicide Squad manage to commandeer a rocket ship from that idiot Brion Markov so that they can catch up with Katana on Kobra's Ark.

Don't worry! They're the Suicide Squad! None of them ever die! I mean, that one died. Battleaxe! But we all knew she was going to die because she was a gay black woman! Or was she? Who can remember? She was so unremarkable! Oh wait! That was how I knew she was going to die!

When Kobra discovers the Suicide Squad have crashfiltrated his ship, he makes a really funny joke!

Ha ha! I will be thinking on this all day and chuckling!

Meanwhile Dr. Jace begins the process of turning Violet Harper into Halo by shoving an Aurakle up inside of her. I'd like to say my heart is beating faster and I feel an overwhelming longing to be a part of Halo's life but in reality, all I feel is a distinct lack of passion, a complete loss of wonder, and old. I think maybe human beings live too long!

At least I can still enjoy cleavage. Ah. There you are, the sense of feeling something! Anything at all, even just lewd, lascivious, lusty perversion!

Violet Harper is transformed into Halo but not in the same amnesiac way she was in her original origin. This Violet Harper remembers herself and has simply gained the powers of the Aurakle and a really stupid costume. Can Rebirth make sure that changes?!

The issue ends with the Aurakle's arriving to bring back the runaway Aurakle now locked inside Violet. They plan on destroying everybody because they can. So this story went from an invasion of a small country run by a crappy prince to a full scale alien invasion of Earth! That might be the definition of fubar.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!