Justice League 3001 #12

The Legion of Super-heroes if they were cool.

The Review!
According to some anonymous person on the internet (and who can we trust more to give us insightful analyses of our intensely personal selves?!), I'm an "edgelord". I could guess by the context what that meant but figured I should get the specific, community-voted on and approved definition, so I consulted Urban Dictionary for the factual facts.

A poster on an Internet forum, (particularly 4chan) who expresses opinions which are either strongly nihilistic, ("life has no meaning," or Tyler Durden's special snowflake speech from the film Fight Club being probably the two main examples) or contain references to Hitler, Nazism, fascism, or other taboo topics which are deliberately intended to shock or offend readers.

First off, somebody needs to edit that entry! Who thought that commas needed to be added before parenthetical references? Why isn't some Grammar Nazi combing through the Urban Dictionary with a lice-ridden fine-toothed comb to make it look better? Anyway, the first way in which I'm not an "edgelord" is that I do not post on Internet forums. I have my own blog where I get to spew my nihilistic garbage! Secondly, I'm not a nihilist. I'm an existentialist. More specifically, I'm a Situational Individualist. Fourthly, I never deliberately write anything to shock or offend. If I do shock or offend, that's the reader's issue for being so stodgy. But more importantly is the word "deliberate". I'm not deliberate in anything I do! I don't know how any single sentence I'm typing will end until it's already ended! I mean, you can tell where some of them are headed pretty well. Like that one about how sentences end. That was obvious where that was going.

But wait! There's a second definition! Maybe this one is closer to who I really am!

Fedora tipping, fat fuck that spends his life on anime cartoon message boards being a worthless pile of shit. Nobody likes this guy but he acts like he doesn't care. He's a pathetic, lost kissless virgin that should just kill himself.

Um, this one isn't anything like me either in lots of way that I don't have time to point out because I have to go lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and weep uncontrollably.

As for my review, nothing really resolves in this final issue. I guess Rebirth made it even more pointless than it already was. But at least there's hope for Batgirl 3001 to become a regular player in Rebirth Continuity!

The Commentary!
Hopefully this series will end with the destruction of the entire universe. Then Ambush Bug will stick his head out of the leftover imploded mass and say, "That's all folks!" Then he'll stick a carrot out of the side of hs mouth and waggle his eyebrows and say, "Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!" as he runs into the void.

Colleen Doran is doing the art for this final issue so it only looks a little tiny bit like the art in the series overall (except for Issue #6). Not that Kolins looked like Porter or Porter looked like Bautista or any combination thereof. So I guess having Doran finish up the final issue is consistent enough, especially if you're into patterns. She apparently is doing every 6th issue.

This issue begins back when the Terries were still themselves.

I don't know what's going on here but it's one of two things! I hope it's the sexy one!

After Teri finishes doing whatever she's doing, the narrative returns to the present where Justice League 3001 are battling The Legion of Super-Not-So-Much-Heroes and Eclipso. It's a good thing the Legion are there or Eclipso would get his ass kicked immediately. Who thought he should ever be more than just a minor threat? Who decided this guy was a force to be reckoned with? He's just a vampire with a stupid hood who has replaced biting people in the neck with diamonds and anger! But DC couldn't leave him alone as a minor villain. He had to become a godlike threat. Although can a person be a godlike threat if they can be defeated by a nice day?

See? Batgirl knows what's what!

The main conflict this issue is between Teri and Terry. One of them is now The Flash and the other is now Eclipso. One is trying to make the universe a place where everybody is free to do what they choose, the other is trying to make it not that. I don't know which is the good guy because on the one hand, I like being able to do whatever I want. On the other hand, I think it's the cause of all of my problems and anxieties. Maybe The Bible was right! Paradise is not having free will! Paradise is when the biggest choice in your life is getting to choose which animal you want to fuck! Personally, I'm glad Adam didn't choose any of the animals God offered and held out for another human being. I'm so mad at Adam and Eve right now for blowing it for everybody! And by "blowing it for everybody", I suppose I mean blowing it for themselves since they never would have had children if they hadn't blown it and I wouldn't be bothered with any of this. Also, I'm angry at two fictional people now. I should be angry at my parents for wanting a second child! I could be content in oblivion right now! Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!

Eventually, after all the beatings and one-liners, Lady Styx reveals that the Wonder Twins Teri and Terry are her children. That explains everything! I guess. Somehow. I suppose it explains why Lady Styx doesn't want either of them dead. And to make sure Teri the Flash doesn't wind up dead before Lady Styx can get her ducks in a row, she sends her back in time to the 21st Century where she can be relevant to DC Continuity! And just so she's not lonely, she sends her back with Batgirl! I hope Batgirl winds up at Gotham Academy!

The issue ends with a "To be continued...?" because I guess at the time of cancellation, Geoff Johns hadn't yet decided if he wanted Giffen and DeMatteis mucking around in the Rebirth Universe. That's probably why they were given the Scooby Doo assignment!

Justice League 3001 #11

Is Larfleeze showing them his penis?

The Review!
Keith and J.M. make a joke about how Larfleeze keeps repeating the same thing over and over. They do read their own stuff, right? Perhaps it's a self-referential joke! Ha ha! These guys are so funny! This story has gone a bit off the rails but that might be because of Rebirth and the end of nearly everything, including this title. It's also possible Keith and J.M. just got bored writing this. They seem like the kind of writers who come up with ideas they think are funny, enjoy writing those funny ideas for a bit, and eventually come to a place where they're desperately trying to wring the last of the humor out of the concept they came up with. Justice League 3001 has done its time and is ready to be put to bed. Hell, Booster and Beetle aren't even in it any more! I think they each had too many dicks.

Justice League 3001 #10

All women are beautiful in their own way! On an unrelated note, does anybody know how to clean vomit out of a keyboard?

Rating: This is a comic book that works on its own. It's in its own little universe doing its own little thing and not bothering any of the actual DC continuity. That means people who don't give a shit about DC continuity but enjoy a fairly entertaining book loaded with characters they'll recognize from the Preboot days might enjoy this series. But for people who just want to read books that are canon so that they can know everything about the "actual" DC Youniverse, this book can be ignored. Because who needs to read something that won't bolster your knowledge of DC with which you can "actually" your friends whenever they mention any DC hero at all? What a huge waste of time!

• All the male members of the Justice League 3001 have been killed. Probably been killed. Most likely been "comic book killed" which means they'll be back at a later date. Except this future universe has probably run out of later dates due to Rebirth. So I guess they're all really dead.

• Nobody really cares that they're dead because they're not part of any real DC continuity!

• Who saw this week's Supergirl starring The Flash? Isn't it interesting how that team-up basically happened the same weekend as Batman Loves Superman was playing in theaters? And isn't it interesting how it showed the kind of super hero team-up that people enjoy? They were so fucking adorable together! No misunderstandings. No punches. No arguments. Just ice cream and hugs! Why can't Superman and Batman play nice like that?

• This issue is called "To Have and Have G'nort". Uh oh.

• I didn't realize this at the time but Scott Lobdell wrote the G'nort stories in the Green Lantern Corps Quarterly books back in the nineties. They were just as awful as you're imagining they were. And if you weren't just now imagining how awful they were and were thinking, "Really? I need to find back issues of those!", fuck you.

• G'nort appears and he's over one thousand years old. Just imagine how old that is in dog years!

• If you can do math, you don't have to imagine how many years that is because you can figure it out. Although I can't stand the whole concept of "dog years" or "cat years". It's not like they're somehow zipping around the sun seven times faster than humans. And if you're going to tell me that my fifteen year old cat is equivalent to a hundred and five year old person, I'd point out that I've never seen an elderly human jump up on the kitchen counter from a standstill. And most three to seven year old humans can't get pregnant. How about we all just agree to talk about animals in their actual ages. Because I pretty much know what to expect from a thirteen year old cat if you just tell me its thirteen. But if you're going to tell me it's 91, I won't say anything for a bit as I try to divide by seven and figure out the cat's actual, non-stupid age.

• G'nort works for Larfleeze scavenging worlds that Lady Styx has reduced to rubble.

• Supergirl's new costume makes it look like she's wearing a belt to hold up her vagina.

• Meanwhile, Lady Styx has Eclipso working with the Legion of Super-villains to destroy the Justice League 3001. Remember when Eclipso was just a piece of shit nobody but then DC decided they wanted to make him some kind of powerful godlike threat? So they had the big Eclipso Crossover Summer Annual Event and it was...well, it was just about as good as all of their other big summer annual crossover events: not very. Shit, it was so poorly thought out that Eclipso's hideout was on the dark side of the moon and to defeat him, the super heroes had to reflect the sun's light onto his headquarters. In comic book terms, that meant a big plan that was tough to pull off. In real world terms, that meant waiting until the moon orbited the earth so that the "dark side" was facing the sun.

• This issue has a back-up feature starring Lois Lane and Ariel Masters on a pleasure planet! Oh boy!

• Hmm. That's not the kind of pleasure I was hoping for.

Justice League 3001 #9

This cover is for a story that was never told.

Rating: No change.

I don't have something to say about everything. Sometimes things happen in front of me and I don't even think wickedly funny smartass things at all! Sometimes I just keep going about my business singing the Spider-man cartoon theme in my head and avoiding all eye contact. What I'm trying to prepare you for is this: I have nothing to say about this comic book.

At least nothing interesting or complimentary! Ha ha! That was a twist! What I have to say is that I'm underwhelmed by this comic book. I like Batgirl but everybody else are just chocolate frosting spattered water color imitations of the characters they used to be. I would make more sense if I had something interesting to say!

Next issue, Keith and J.M. are bringing back Larfleeze because I guess there were some Larfleeze jokes that they didn't get to repeat ten whole times.

Justice League 3001 #8

Did Giffen and DeMatteis simply get tired of telling the last story about the Injustice League 3001?

Rating: No change.

Giffen seems to write to some kind of calendar that alternates between completely goofy and horribly grim. We're a month or two into the horribly grim season now although he has tempered it a bit with some levity in the form of a Scrappy Dooish new Batgirl (who is also Robin). I don't mean to imply that she's unpalatably annoying. Perhaps to some she skirts the line into that territory but I like her. She's perky! And when Giffen begins circling the drain leading to the sewers of depressing story lines, perky is at least something to cling to!

The best part about Justice League 3001 is finding the hidden Ambush Bug in each issue!

Justice League 3001 #7

The Scullions are modelled on Lex Luthor, aren't they?

Rating: No change. I was going to drop the ranking because Giffen and DeMatteis always do this and it's disconcerting. Issue after issue of wacky hijinks and recycled jokes until WHAM! Everybody dies! Tragedy! Not a joke to be seen! Grim dialogue! Funereal mood! Guy slapping Ice! They might want to take something for their bipolar writing condition.

But then the drop in rankings was balanced out by the new direction. The Justice League still exists with basically all the same members (they've got a super, a bat, an amazon, a lantern, a speedster, and Fire and Ice) but it's now an all female cast. All the guys were killed off. Except Guy. Guy's still a guy but with a woman's body. Except he also isn't since he's being subsumed by the female personality inside the body his DNA was mixed with. So technically she's the one who slapped Ice.

Anyway, the guys probably aren't all dead anyway. Superman was the only one seen being killed, so they'll probably all reappear as the new all male Super Budddies.

Justice League 3001 #6

I'd be more excited about Eclipso 3001 appearing if Porter's name hadn't turned into Doran. No offense, Colleen!

Batman and Supergirl are discovering that children born on Takron-Galtos are allowed to remain on Takron-Galtos if they choose. I don't know when they get that choice and I don't know what protections they have under the law when they're born to two criminals serving life on the prison planet. Tina Sung, the current Takron-Galtos Batman, is fifteen years old and a citizen (not inmate!) of Takron-Galtos. So she's kind of like Bane but with the choice to remain in prison? Of course she gets to roam around prison in a huge suit of Bat-armor so it seems like a good set up.

Batman decides to adopt Tina because he hasn't had a Robin in about one thousand years. While he and Sheriff Tariq get the paperwork together, Harley Quinn 3001 watches from outside the police station.

Er. Um. Watched from outside the police station.

The Scullions are hunting Batman for their Lord and Master who has yet to be revealed. Does Batman have an enemy who is a chef of some kind? He must, right? Maybe Eclipso now runs a chain of restaurants across the universe and killing Batman is a viral marketing campaign to boost sales.

Other Scullions are currently destroying Cadmusworld because I guess it's served its purpose. And more Scullions arrive to help kill Batman since Supergirl has wound up being tougher than they expected.

Eventually the Justice League 3001 arrive to help destroy the Scullions.

Or not.

Superman's head is gone which probably means he's dead. Unless new genetically modified Superman has some of the most incredible regenerative powers since Lobo, Firestorm 3001 is going to have to create a new Superman. And that might be an issue since Cadmusworld has recently been destroyed.

Justice League 3001 #6 Rating: No change. Not much happened this issue. I mean, sure, Superman 3001 died! So that's kind of something. But it was the only something that really sort of mattered, aside from a bunch of Scullions speaking overly politely with each other while not revealing the name of their boss (although it must be Eclipso because of the cover, right? Spoiler?). I really won't mind if Superman 3001 never returns. Giffen and DeMatteis have made most of these characters so one-dimensional that the loss of any of them isn't a big deal. Besides, the book has so many superheroes in it, the loss of any one of them just means more lines or repeated jokes for the others. I just hope the next story arc isn't Reign of the Superman 3001.

Justice League 3001 #5

Commissioner Gordon?!

This issue begins like so many other Giffen/DeMatteis jams with an alien trying to figure out how to work a toilet. I don't have any proof that they've begun a comic book this way before but judging by my vast comic book reading experience, if you're reading a book by Giffen and DeMatteis then you're probably reading things they've written before. They're masters of plagiarizing their own work, if, you know, that's a thing. I'm pretty sure it's a thing but nobody is going to sue you over it. Starro does make a good argument against Creationism though when he points out that the "need for constant waste disposal is a serious flaw" in creature design. Why isn't the universe simply composed of only things that the human stomach can break down into energy without needing to expel a bunch of useless shit? Before you begin arguing, realize that any answer you come up with just makes it sound like God kept making mistakes and realized he had to compensate for every mistake he made instead of going back and fixing the problem. God needed an editor!

Here's my argument for why we need to expel our waste! God's universe needed some building blocks that can't be broken down easily. He can't have the entire universe made out of shit humans can digest because that would probably violate building codes. So he had to create a failsafe in case one of his stupid humans ate a bunch of diamonds. You can't have those just sitting around in your stomach taking up space until you die! And by "die," I mean live forever until Adam and Eve fuck it up for everyone! And by "everyone," I mean themselves. Although if you read Genesis correctly, you'll realize that God created lots and lots of men and women before he created the Garden of Eden where he created his favorite man and woman. It goes a long way to explaining how Cain found people to have sex with that weren't his family. It's so logical that it's totally understandable that the church doesn't teach it. I was going to say it's not understandable but since when does the church deal in logic? So totally understandable!

Guy Gardner is still looking really cute as a woman so he's a successful comic book character since comic book women really only have to be hot. Nobody cares about any personality traits beyond luscious hair, full lips, perky bosoms, and a tight ass. Can I get an amen?

Guy Gardner has discovered that he's been doing womanly things without remembering having done them. I say "womanly things" because he set the table for a cute romantic breakfast and apparently I'm sexist.

Guy's host body's DNA wasn't entirely overwritten when he was "resurrected" so now the host's DNA is bleeding into his. That means he's remembering and feeling things that his host body experienced. I guess in the future, memories are stored in DNA and not as electrical data in the brain. Or I can just assume that Firestorm 3001 is a lousy scientist and doesn't really know what he's talking about. Whatever the cause, if it isn't fixed, Guy Gardner will soon be wiped from existence by Shiryalla Tome, his host's returning personality.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, Fire and Ice learn of Area 13 where superpowered people are kept in cells so that they don't completely destroy the surface prison world.

Also because they're Marvel characters and the lawyers said they couldn't be used. Also note Ambush Bug again!

Gigantic Robo-Batman has been following Fire and Ice around so that he could locate the entrance to Area 13. His goal is to kill all of the Marvel characters imprisoned there. Who is this mysterious Dark Knight in Gigantic Armor?! Is he a force for good?! A crazy criminal that stumbled upon one of Batman's Deathpocalypse suits?! Is it...is it Damian Wayne?!

Batman 3001 and Supergirl (the original! I mean, not the Danvers one! The one that died in Crisis! Unless it was one that came after? Oh, I don't know! It's Supergirl! She has a nice bum!) have built a Bat-Signal so that they can meet the Batman of Takron-Galtos. It probably won't end up in a fight because Batman, Supergirl, and Robo-Batman are good guys and good guys do not punch each other in the faces for no reason at all. Ever.

Robo-Batman is definitely overcompensating. Maybe it's Oberon! Robo-Oberon!

Robo-Batman decides punching Batman 3001 is the best course of action. That's understandable! He was inspired by the myths of the real Batman and about 97% of those stories involve Batman maiming or crippling somebody. Reap what you sow, Batman!

Ambush Bug makes another appearance, just so y'all know he's still out there in the 3001 world.

Supergirl tears the head off of Robo-Batman and yanks open the chest plate to see who's inside.

It's a cat girl! And why is the armor attached to her vagina?!

Back on Camelot Nine, Superman 3001 learns from L-Ron that Ariel Masters is working with the Injustice League 3001 to bring down the Justice League 3001! L-Ron is currently in charge while Ariel is planning bad things with her teammates and apparently L-Ron isn't very good at lying. I don't think he was named appropriately if he can't make up immense lies that fool lots of people into believing stupid bullshit. Anyway, Lois is planning on returning to her body and attacking the League now so I guess it doesn't matter that Superman found out her secret.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, Batman, Supergirl, and Catwoman Tina Sung head off to get some questions answered by Sheriff Tariq as Harley Quinn 3001 watches them go.

Justice League 3001 #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. People who enjoy enjoying things would probably enjoy this comic book. People who enjoy hating things for the most minuscule of reasons would probably enjoy hating this comic book. People who are no fun because...well, you probably know who you are and why, so let's leave it at that, shall we?...should probably not even be reading my comic book critiques! You should be changing the world for the better through inspiration and awareness! Inspiration and raising awareness! What bullshit! Raising awareness just means you're doing something you want to do anyway and hoping that somebody else will do the actual hard work of fixing the broken things! Being inspiring is just trying to give puffed up meaning to, once again, whatever you enjoy doing anyway. If I can inspire just one person to say stupid things on the internet, I've done my job! If I can raise awareness that stupid comic books exist and that people probably shouldn't read them, I should be sainted! I'M THE GREATEST!

Justice League 3001 #4

Oh look. Another comic book I can read because I haven't been shot by some nut with a gun. Lucky me.

I'm not anti-owning guns. But all gun owners are fucking cowards. All of them. You want to continue to be able to own a gun legally in this country? Take some fucking responsibility for every person killed with a gun. Apparently you think the amount of American lives taken by guns is worth owning your gun or else you'd participate in finding an actual solution to this problem instead of grasping tighter and tighter to your precious weapon. What we need is second and third tier punishments for gun crimes. If you believe your gun will never be used to commit murder because you're so fucking responsible with it then you should agree to punishments that extend beyond the shooter. If the gun is used in an accidental shooting death, you get manslaughter. If the gun was stolen, the previous owner of the gun should be charged as an accessory to the crime. If the gun was legally purchased, the seller should be levied with a hefty fine or, if sold outside the letter of the law, charged as an accessory to the murder as well. Go ahead. Keep your fucking guns so you can feel safe. But don't for a second believe that part of the cost of your gun isn't, every day, being paid in somebody else's blood. Live your life of paranoia and mistrust, only feeling safe and comfortable because you can shoot the fuck out of the boogeyman you just know is eventually going to come crashing through your living room window. Owning a gun isn't about freedom. It's about locking the cage from the inside because you're terrified of everything out of your control.

My favorite part about the current state of Second Amendment Supporter debate is that it's all about crying about how quickly people complain about guns when a mass shooting happens. So their argument is that people should just fucking accept that guns are everywhere and one day one of them will, once again, eventually be used to kill a bunch of people? Just shut up and take it? Are only brain dead people on the side of the NRA because I haven't seen a debate tactic this bad since my seventh grade debate team tried to argue that cheerleading causes teen pregnancy. Although we did have a lot of pregnant cheerleaders that year.

Only when a mass shooting takes place where the shooter is using a bow and arrows will the mantra "guns don't kill people; people kill people" be an acceptable argument. Until then, guns kills people. When a lot of people die, it's because of a gun.

Anyway, I'm going to read a comic book now. If you're a gun owner, you're probably not reading this sentence. Although if you have stuck around, you probably understood my point without being personally insulted by my comments. Because they aren't personal. But something needs to be done and I think that something needs to come from gun owners. Either you're going to have to find a solution or you're going to have to give up your gun. I suppose you can also just continue to feel happy and safe with your gun and your delusional beliefs that these tragedies only happen because evil exists in the world and because the victims were too dumb to not shoot the killer first. I suppose that's a justifiable way to continue living too. I suppose.

This issue is just a story told by an idiot full of comic book shenanigans. Teri is the idiot. Her shenanigans are supposedly just a training exercise.

I hope The Joker still exists in 3001!

Teri has been sent by Lois Lane in her Ariel disguise to run around the frozen planet of Nirvana until she freezes to death. Teri doesn't know she's supposed to freeze to death though. She thinks she's helping locate some mysterious signal. Teri doesn't freeze to death nor find a mysterious signal. But she does find Mirror Master 3001! This meeting allows Giffen and DeMatteis to write a "I knew Barry Allen and you're no Barry Allen!" joke which maybe 10% of the people reading this comic book probably remember from the vice presidential debates in 1988. Giffen and DeMatteis love their recycled old jokes!

Mirror Master has come to Nirvana to retire and try to figure out life in the 31st Century. So I guess he's the original who probably lived in a mirror and didn't age for 1000 years. But since he's not into petty theft anymore, he winds up in a buddy comedy with The Flash (Teri Version).

The Flash's suggestion is, of course, to run.

Mirror Master disappears into a reflective surface of polished ice and The Flash is mauled by Piranha Bears. But she survives to never tell anybody about her meeting with The Mirror Master until telling her story to a drunk and passed out Diana now. The final revelation is made when Teri tries to drag Diana out of the bar and back to headquarters.

Of course Diana and Etta were lovers! I guess that revelation isn't as revealing as I made it out to be by calling it a "revelation" as opposed to "confirmation of previously acknowledged suppositions."

Justice League 3001 #4 Rating: No change. DC Comics should really consider more comic books like Justice League 3001. I don't mean more comics by old writers recycling the same old jokes they've been writing across their entire careers. No, I mean more comic books that take place in their own special DC Universe. In fact, DC Comics should color code the comic books depending on which DC Universe they take place in. Forget having a special label for the 52 different universes. Just let certain stories take place in certain universes without having to write an entire sourcebook on every universe. The comic books should be color coded by the DC Comics Logo on the front cover. So Gods and Monsters currently have a Gold Logo, so any story that takes place in that universe should have a Gold Logo on the cover. Any story that takes place in the universe with the Crayola Time Lords should have a Magenta Logo on the cover. Comics taking place in the Justice League 3001 universe should have an Argyle Logo. Comics taking place in the DC Youniverse should have a Hot Pink Logo while comics in The New 52 Universe should retain the regular Blue Logo. And finally, comic books taking place in Eddie Berganza's Universe should have a Turd Logo. It would make sense! Then people who are only interested in certain characters from certain universes could readily tell which comic books to pick up!

Justice League 3001 #3

Is it her last laugh because this book was cancelled already?!

Just to get a glimpse of the extravagant lifestyle I'm used to leading, I'm currently sitting in my boxers in front of the air conditioner eating a chocolate chip and sea salt cookie while drinking iced green tea. But I'm also sitting next to a stack of over a hundred old Teen Titans comic books by Marv Wolfman which I'm going to reread, just in case you thought my life was all relaxation and good times.

Last issue, Supergirl's bum came back into my life. Although it's her Preboot bum which I don't think is as alluring as her Reboot bum. She solved the Starro crisis on Wodin Twelve for the Justice League 3001 team which leaves them free to begin a new story arc this issue. This probably doesn't belong in this paragraph but I just wanted to remind everybody (especially the people at DC Comics) that Ambush Bug made a cameo in Justice League 30001 #1. So let's see more of him, okay?

The solution to solving the Starro crisis was for Supergirl to find Starro Prime and have Starro Prime point out that the people of this world were saved by becoming slaves. And while the Justice League argue and scoff at this explanation, they seem to accept it enough that they all head back to Camelot Nine leaving Wodin Twelve exactly the way it was. Sometimes problems are too complex to solve them with punching things. When that happens, the Justice League are not the team for the job, so they just move on to one where punching is helpful. Until that next problem comes along, the team stand around and recycle old Giffen and DeMatteis jokes from previous issues. Remember how Clark thinks he's the best? It's so funny to be reminded of that aspect of his character again! Wait, did I say "aspect of"? I think I meant "whole entirety of".

I wish the heroes could be as coldly logical as Starro the Bureaucratic Conqueror has become.

In the very next panel which I hadn't read until after scanning the above panel and commenting on it, Guy Gardner asks Ariel Masters if she wants him to punch out the Starro representative. Oh, Justice League 3001! Never change! Not that I'm concerned they would change because then I'd plead with them to change. But since I read the names of the writers on the cover, I already pretty much know what to expect from this comic book and its cast.

Ariel (who is actually Evil Lois Lane) makes Guy Gardner responsible for the Starro diplomat. Guy Gardner makes it perfectly clear--right up front and everything!--that he won't have sex with it. Even though it's in a perfectly viable female body. What would it be like having sex with an overarching consciousness spread out over millions of worlds across the universe?! I bet it would be disappointing.

Meanwhile, Clark and Bruce visit Takron-Galtos for some reason. Maybe they want to visit the Super Buddies. Or maybe they just want to spend a little time on their old home planet. Or maybe they just heard really good things about Ralph & Sue's Bar & Grill?

How did Ralph and Sue survive the last thousand years?! Or is this like the Fake Blue Beetle guy. Did some jerk just find a bottle of Gingold lying around and decide to open a ridiculously themed restaurant?

Since Clark and Bruce are on Takron-Galtos, it's time to check in on the Super Buddies! They're busy battling Giant Turtle-Man. Although being a prison planet, I'm not sure what good fighting crime is here. Do criminals who behave badly on this planet get sent into solitary? Maybe solitary is the moon. Or it's what they've begun calling the sun.

Tiny Green Lantern and Barry Allen Flash arrive to micromanage the Super Buddies battle with Giant Turtle-Man. I thought Barry died. Twice! I guess if he died twice, he can come back around to die a third time. I'm sure it'll be explained eventually, maybe in a goofy Fun FAQs at the end of the issue. Or it was already explained and I just forgot about it because I was too busy thinking about how quickly Barry Allen probably has sex.

Apparently the Super Buddies have been tasked with cleaning up the prison planet so that it can be recolonized. Wouldn't it be easier to hire Lobo? He has experience with this kind of thing. Plus it would be nice to have Real Deal Lobo back in the DC Youniverse. This comic book is allowed to bring back Preboot characters, so I'm sure he'll make an appearance eventually. I mean, they just introduced Jimmy Olsen as the Giant Turtle-Man while I was typing that thing about Lobo.

Clark goes back to Camelot Nine but Bruce sticks around to encounter yet another hero returning from the twenty-first century. Or almost encountering the hero, anyway.

I hope it's Lobo in a Batman costume!

The book finishes with Guy not expressing his full emotions and deepest feelings and Supergirl exasperated with Teri Flash. So basically situations and jokes we've all read from Giffen and DeMatteis previously. Although Guy does have one moment where he pushes the Starro representative down the stairs and subsequently feels bad about it which made me laugh. And after reading Giffen and DeMatties comic books with the same jokes repeated over and over again for nearly thirty years, I'd say one laugh out of a twenty page issue is pretty good!

Justice League 3001 #3 Rating: No change. I like to rib Giffen and DeMatteis for repeating the same jokes over and over again because it's true. They do that. A lot. But I'm going to give them some credit for what they're doing with this series. I love the Elseworldsness of it all. They can introduce any character from DC's past at any time and force it to fit the story. Preboot Beetle, Booster, Ice, Fire, Etrigan, and Darkseid all exist alongside resurrected versions of the main Justice League members. And those guys were introduced that way because it was before the series really seemed to have received the go ahead to bring back Reboot characters. So they're resurrected in new bodies with faulty memories which allows them to be past versions of the characters but with only the pieces of their histories intact which Giffen and DeMatteis want to use. I suspect that the main reason this comic book exists is to give Giffen and DeMatteis their own little playground where the editors don't really have to be bothered by them. I picture Giffen in the DC Offices just screaming, "CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS? CAN I DO THIS?" And now he can do that! And that! And whatever he wants! And nobody has to listen to his weird fucked up pitches anymore.

Justice League 3001 #2

Yay! Supergirl's bum is back!

The Justice League 3001 have currently been sent on another impossible mission by Evil Lois Lane masquerading as Ariel Masters. The Justice League are supposed to deal with Starro who has enslaved an entire planet legally which can't be right at all, can it? Well, the Justice League will make sure it's absolutely wrong even if Guy Gardner has to forge documents to prove it! Which is exactly what he's done! Evil Lois Lane is going to be plenty upset when the Justice League save the day yet again. You see, she's just trying to get them killed. Because she's evil.

Last issue, the Justice League were just hanging around the planet full of Starros trying to figure out what to do. That showed that the Justice League were capable of acts of Herculean restraint (except I'm not sure Hercules was really ever known for his restraint and, quite possibly, he was known for the exact opposite of restraint). This issue begins in the middle of a huge brawl which only goes to show that super hero comic books are only as interesting as the amount of fist fights the writers and artists can cook up. I'm surprised the fight didn't break out at the end of the first issue because how many people didn't bother to pick up this issue since the first issue had zero punching in it? Well, it had a little bit of punching in it since Guy had to convince some bureaucrats to engage in horribly non-bureaucratic activities.

One of the Starros mentions that Ariel Masters called them up to tell them that the Justice League were looking to defeat the primary Starro lifeform which is why the Starros decided to attack. But the Justice League weren't actually there to do that! That was just Evil Lois Lane trying to get them killed. However with an exclamation point! Hearing about a primary Starro gives the Justice League the answer to stopping the Starros. Oh Evil Lois Lane! Will you never learn? You should watch more Wacky Races cartoons! Then you'll learn from Dick Dastardly that you lose because you're more interested in causing trouble than winning the race. In just about every single race, Dick Dastardly has to be ahead of the other races to set up his trap. How has he never realized he should just keep driving?! He obviously has the fastest car in the race if he can get so far ahead of the other racers that he has time to cut down trees and paint fake tunnels on walls and rig bridges to collapse. Stop trying so hard to be Dastardly and/or a Dick and just drive your stupid car with your dumb laughing Pug dog!

The Flash races off around the world to find Starro-Prime but finds Supergirl's bum and crashed ship instead.

Oh why oh why didn't she bring Beppo?!

Supergirl is quickly brought up to speed about the Starro situation. Also, it's noted that she's an original and not a genetically damaged doppelgänger, so she really needs to join the Super Buddies. Anyway, she flies off using her Supervision to find Starro-Prime. Which she does in three panels. She also negotiates some kind of truce with Starro-Prime during those panels.

Evil Lois Lane finds herself thwarted once again (which sounds like something I'd be interested in watching on a webcam). And so the Justice League 3001 once again save the universe (or at least the smallest of corners of the universe). And they saved the universe so quickly that the comic book still has room for two pages full of Fun Frequently Asked Questions!

I, for one, am glad that there is still room in DC Comic books for this kind of Ambush Bug nonsense. But I have a feeling it will have the opposite effect of selling more copies because modern comic book fans take this shit way too seriously! There is no place for whimsy in comic books, people!

No no no no no! More Fun F.A.Q. pages! In fact, DC should make the Fun F.A.Q. page mandatory for all comics in their line! Instead of a "Previously In So-And-So-Man-(Or-Woman)..." page (which don't actually exist in DC but would help their older fans with failing memories), open every issue with a Fun F.A.Q. page!

Justice League 3001 #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Keith and J.M. actually had some non-stale, funny lines in this comic book! And the art, as always, is terrific. It's one of those books that I think has a fairly limited audience though. But if you pick it up with Giffen and DeMatteis's names on the cover, you pretty much know what you're getting. So I'm just here to say you're getting an above average version of what you'd normally expect from these guys. I hope they continue to improve the concept and maybe introduce a few black characters soon. The future is really, really white!

Justice League 3001 #1

This isn't the right comic book to be mentioning this but this is the only case in which I'd buy that every single person in the world has suddenly turned on Superman. If they had big fat starfish on their faces.

I just watched the trailer for Batdude Vs. Superbro: Johns of Just Ass and I have to ask: is Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luthor supposed to be a parody of Donald Trump? Is that why the bad wig and the trying to be funny but failing miserably? Also, I apologize for using the word "dude".

It's one year later on Camelot Nine! Unless it's just one day after the last page of the last issue of Justice League 3000 and that one day was New Years Eve. Anyhow, it's time for more of the same joke by Giffen and DeMatteis! Get ready for it because you'll probably hear it four or five times!

Back in the year 3000, I asked the probing question, "Where is L-Ron and Oberon?" Well, guess which one's back?

And guess who's sorry he asked the question?!

The woman screaming at L-Ronald the way that Maxwell Lord would normally be screaming at L-Ronald if this were one thousand years in the past and on a different planet is Fake Ariel, otherwise known as Lois Lane, Queen of the Universe. She's the leader of the Injustice League 3001. They ominously did something ominous on the final page of Justice League 3000 but I don't really remember what it was. I think they just infiltrated the Justice League's castle headquarters. Now, one year later, they've super infiltrated to the point that Ariel Masters must be bound and gagged in the basement and hopefully in her underwear. You know, for fan service (hetero-male and lesbian fans only).

Lois Lane's mind has been injected into Ariel Master's brain and now Lois--as Ariel!--keeps sending the Justice League out on suicide missions. But she's worse than New 52 Amanda Waller at getting her people killed because the Justice League is now more famous than ever across the universe having dealt with every deadly scenario Lois has sent them into.

For those of you who didn't read the Justice League 3001 Sneak Peek, Guy Gardner has been added to the team. And he's now in the body of a woman because DC Comics couldn't wait to be called transphobic! I'm not accusing them of being transphobic. I'm accusing Giffen and DeMatteis of coming up with a concept that makes using the same joke over and over super easy! Guy Gardner, macho bad-ass, now a woman?! Oh boy! He's going to say lots of horribly sexist things! But he's a woman now so it's...um...well, I can't think of the right word to describe what that makes it. Maybe funny in the way somebody might say funny while shrugging their shoulders with the palms of their hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic? But I do say DC must want to be called transphobic because this Venn diagram exists of people who hate DC Comics and people who want to call out as many people as they can because, I don't know, justice? And I say justice while shrugging my shoulders with the palms of my hands turned outward and kind of wincing and looking doubtful and slightly apologetic.

Currently, Justice League 3001 are investigating the massacre of the Legion of Super-heroes on Starro World. Not investigating in the way Columbo investigates by bothering the suspect until the suspect asks to be arrested so Peter Falk stops looking at him with his weird eye but in the way that the police say "You did this!" and the accused says "Diplomatic immunity!"

I've loved Guy Gardner for years but I think this is the first time I've ever had a crush on Guy Gardner.

While the Starros stand around drooling because they can't wait to fry up Mon-el and Sunboy, Batman and Superman argue about whether or not Guy is male or female. Batman takes the correct side and Superman, who has been shown to be an idiot for about fifteen issues now, takes the side that instantly makes everybody at DC Comics transphobic. What a jerk!

Guy Gardner heads to Moonshadow Six because J.M. DeMatteis wants to remind everybody that he once wrote something moving and interesting. It's a bureaucratic planet so, you know, like the Vogons. Guy doesn't do bureaucracy though and he begins punching people in all of their alien faces. That's probably not a great move since the only thing worse than dealing with a bureaucrat is dealing with a bureaucrat's system without any help from the bureaucrat.

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos, the Super Buddies 3001 are now open for business with Booster, Beetle, Fire, and Ice. That should be a poem about how the world ends! Does it end in fire, or ice, or booster, or beetle? Takron-Galtos seems like a strange place to set up a super hero franchise since it's a prison planet. Are they crime-fighters or prison wardens? While the members of Justice League 3001 are the DNA of long dead heroes copied over the DNA of host bodies, the members of the Super Buddies are all originals. Booster and Beetle were in suspended animation for one thousand years, Fire was banging Etrigan in Hell on Camelot Nine, and Ice is an immortal goddess.

Who do I root for? The despot who enslaved a world legally or the hero manufacturing fake evidence against the evil, vile overlord of an enslaved people?!

As Batman and The Flash wait around for Guy to return with the documents, they engage in another pronoun debate. Batman still has it right while Teri seems to just be confused. She insisted earlier that Guy was a man when Superman was checking out his adorable ass but she did call Guy a "she" when saying "She's a man!" If only Guy Gardner would put up his preferred pronouns on his Tumblr page, we could just move past the discussion! Who are they to decide how Guy thinks of himself anyway? If I were in Guy's position, I'd obviously still be a man but I'd certainly enjoy my body a whole lot more.

Guy returns and announces to Batman and The Flash that they can legally (sort of) beat the shit out of Starro. He also, inadvertently because they're on camera, announces it to the entire planet.

Yay! Ambush Bug! I hope he becomes a Super Buddy and not just a character Howard Porter gets to toss in in all of the crowd scenes.

Meanwhile a small ship comes crashing down on Wodin Twelve (which is the planet of Starros). Inside that ship is Supergirl! She's probably been in stasis for one thousand years which means she's the real deal which means she should join the Super Buddies and not the Justice League Clones. Did that sound bigoty?

Justice League 3001 #1 Rating: Giffen and DeMatteis can be a bit much when they're not putting much effort into their whimsy. But I like the future world they've created in Justice League 3000 and are continuing to tweak and evolve in this title. They've got their own little DC Universe to play with and reshape to their own liking. And because of the spotty memories of the cloned Justice League members, they get to pick and choose what bits of the overall DC Comics history they want to keep in continuity. As long as they can balance their hijinks with an interesting plot, this can work. As soon as the comic book begins to overpower the plot with its wackiness, it'll become Larfleeze and/or a drinking game. I hope they have some strong ideas because this comic book has the potential to be really entertaining. Also, I'm a big fan of Howard Porter's art.