The Coming of the Supermen #6

Neal Adams. Superman bleeding from his mouth as he shits himself, 2016. Oil on Canvas. 16.8 cm x 26.0 cm.

The Review!
Why, DC Comics, why? Did somebody somewhere promise Neal Adams that at some point in his career, he'd have carte blanche to write any Superman story he wanted without any editorial interference? How else did this comic book make it through the pitch phase? It's quite probable that it will eventually be discovered that Neal Adams had a minor stroke during the writing of this comic book and I'm going to feel really bad for panning it. But I don't currently have that information so I have to assume that Neal Adams is operating with his full faculties! And if that's true, he's just perpetrated the greatest religious crime in all of history! That may or may not be a hyperbolic statement, depending on whether or not you suffered through this comic book and not the Inquisition. I only suffered through one of them and I can only tell you which is the worst according to my experiences! I'd like to leave the possibility open that this comic book wasn't about Christianity at all but Adams slammed shut all the fucking doors on that possibility when he named the mystery demon "El" and had Superman proclaim that he did nothing and yet is responsible for everything. Ugh. This was terrible! And it wasn't even terrible simply because it was a Christian story! One of my favorite Alice Cooper songs of all time is "I Am Made of You" and that's as testimonial as fuck! Shit, that song makes me wish I could delude myself into believing nonsense! But this story? Abominable. Horrible. A travesty! I've read Lobdell's Teen Titans, Nathan Edmondson's Grifter, Ann Nocenti's Katana, J.T. Krul's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood and the Outlaws, Howard Mackie's The Ravagers, Ann Nocenti's Green Arrow, Scott Lobdell's Superman, Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, Scott Lobdell's Red Hood/Arsenal, and Ann Nocenti's Klarion. And this book is still the worst series I've read in the last five years! If you're still thinking, "But Tess! It's Neal Adams! Have some respect! At least back-up your terribly harsh criticisms!", you might get some Answers! in the commentary portion.

The Commentary!
I can't wait to see how this comic book ends! Normally, being a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, I know long before a story ends how it will all wind up. But being that this comic book is such a confusing mess, I'm completely bewildered by it! It's fascinating not knowing where things are headed! Is this what it's like to be a Regular Comic Book Reader? Thrilling!

Last issue ended with Darkseid disintegrating Lex Luthor as Superman looked on and applauded. This issue begins with the revelation that Darkseid merely destroyed a wax sculpture of Lex Luthor while the real Lex Luthor was standing behind him laughing. It's odd that Darkseid was so annoyed by the laughter that he would think Lex Luthor was the wax statue that obviously wasn't laughing. Darkseid isn't too smart, is he? The real beauty of the situation is that Lex Luthor continues to laugh at Darkseid! But at least now he's begging for his life at the same time. I think begging for your life goes a long way to keep Darkseid happy.

This issue is called "Answers!" Notice the punctuation was within the quotes which means it was actually part of the title and not just another of my often abused exclamation points. Normally I'd be happy that a comic book was going to answer all of the questions I have about the story. But in this case, I'm so confused I'm not even sure what the questions are. When this comic book first began, I thought it was going to be a meditation on the differences between Christianity and Islam. But now it's turned into an insane fight for territory perpetrated by two villains who have everything to gain while millions of people wind up victims. Holy shit! It is a meditation on the differences of Islam and Christianity! One is Lex Luthor and the other is Darkseid! And when the two battle, nobody wins! So you need a third option: Superman! And he represents...um...Judaism?

I don't think this tracks.

Maybe Superman just represents science and rationality and atheism. You know, truth, justice, and my dreamed of American way! It must be the New Kryptonians who represent Judaism. I mean, if you're Western Civilization minded, of course! New Kryptonians equal Israel. The Apokoliptian invaders equal the Islamic countries. And New Genesis equals Christianity. Although you should probably see the analogy as the New Kryptonians being the Islamic countries of the Middle East and the Apokoliptian invaders as the people of Israel being helped by their Western Civ allies (Superman!) to take over a large parcel of their land. And while they're at it, the white invaders may as well set up some military bases all over New Krypton too! Just to, you know, keep the peace and whatnot.

Maybe I should just see what Answers! Neal Adams decides to give before jumping to any more conclusions. Because I don't think Neal Adams means for his story to be any smarter than it appears to be. Although why did he name the Muslim kid's dog Isa if he wasn't prepared to write a story about religion? Was that the only comment Neal had to make? That Muslims think of Jesus as a dog? Not that they do! Why would they hate on Jesus when he's eventually going to come down from the sky and slay the Antichrist in the most spectacular bout of Mortal Kombat ever witnessed? And once he arrives, he'll be all, "Can't we all get along?!" And then all of the Peoples of the Book (as the Jews, Christians, and Muslims are referenced in Islam because they fucking understand that they all believe in the same God. Well, Muhammad did, anyway. But then that's the advantage of being the last religion formed from The Old Testament. You get to write in the other religions and make them, in a way, subservient to yours. But then again, at least Islam acknowledges that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all based on the same God and that when Jesus comes back for his encore, everybody will believe the same thing and they'll all be saved. Of course everybody will call it Islam but that's just a minor point, really!) will hold hands and embrace Jesus and Islam and hardly any Christian will say to hardly any Jew, "I told you so!" And hardly any Muslim will say to hardly any Christian, "I told you so!" They'll all just live happily ever after as the atheists burn in a fiery pit of hell and just about everybody will say to them, "I told you so!"

Don't get mad at me if I got any of that religious stuff wrong! I'm an atheist! Besides, I'm pretty sure I didn't get any of it wrong. If you think I did, that's your bias, praise be to God.

Superman continues to watch Darkseid and Lex Luthor battle for a bit since it seems Lex has found a way to not be killed by Darkseid's Omega Beams. I mean Wrist Blasters.

What level are you on?!

Darkseid gets to enraged that he lets a secret slip: he was born on Earth! I think. I mean, he seems to make some revelation about Earth birthing the greatness of Apokolips. But then when Superman and Lex try to nail him down on what he meant, he stutters and stammers like the fool he isn't and finally just tells them that he's stolen all of Lex's technology and will take over the Earth with it. It's about at that point when Lex realizes Darkseid is his enemy and tells Darkseid that he sold him defective technology to turn yellow suns into red suns. It's about that time that Darkseid realizes Lex is his enemy! Superman stands by confused like the rest of us.

I'm starting to believe I won't be getting any of the Answers! I was promised. Perhaps the only real question was, "Has Neal Adams lost his mind?" At least I know the answer to that is a resounding "Yes!" With the exclamation point, of course.

Superman foils Darkseid's plans, Darkseid punches Superman in the nose, and then Darkseid flounces off of Earth. But not before Superman can fly through Darkseid's Boom Tube first, pissing Darkseid off even more! I think that might be the end of the Darkseid/Lex Luthor subplot. Or was that the main plot? Did it even have a plot? Anyway, the comic book needs to answer some questions about Rafi and Isa and the winged demon Muhammad who is also called "El". "El" means "God", just in case you don't know your Bible as well as you think you do. So I guess the winged demon isn't the prophet Muhammad at all. He's just god.

Oh hey! I mentioned there would be Mortal Kombat earlier, right? I guess Superman is Jesus and Darkseid is the Anti-christ!

Maybe I should just forget all of the Islamic stuff and simply assume Neal Adams is telling a Christian story. Because it has everything it needs. Darkseid as Satan, El as God, and Superman as Jesus. There's also a dog named Isa owned by a Muslim but that was probably just to get everybody's subconscious mind thinking about Jesus and religion. Although, if I had to guess, maybe one percent of the people reading this terrible comic book know that Isa is the name for Jesus in Islam?

After Darkseid learns that he can change the outcome of whatever outcome has been set in motion, Supreman heads back to Lois and Rafi and Isa where he's promptly punched in the face by Orion. Why? Who fucking cares.

It turns out the puppy Isa is actually Highfather and Rafi is his grandson and I don't fucking care anymore. Not that cared much at the beginning. And I cared even less in the middle. But now that it's coming to an end, I'm just ready for the peaceful quiet of the grave. This comic book has destroyed my love of life.

But wait! My spirit hasn't been entirely crushed! I must know how Superman plans to keep Darkseid from invading anywhere he wants with the use of the Boom Tube! As long as the technology exists, Darkseid can be anywhere he wants to be!

Oh. Okay. Superman turns the Boom Tube inside out and destroys it. I guess Darkseid just had the one?

Stop thinking about this ending, you jerk! Stop thinking about Boom Tube technology as a technology to open wormholes in space! That obviously wasn't what it was at all! It was an actual tube that Darkseid built which could be programmed to exit at various points in the universe! Then you walk through it and arrive at the chosen destination! Duh! I can't believe anybody ever thought the Boom Tube wasn't a literal tube! Stupids.

Darkseid gives up his invasion plans after he sees his Boom Tube turned inside out and rendered impotent. He walks away embarrassed and Superman walks back to New Krypton, seeing as how it's now one-third of the same planet as Apokolips. Superman and Lois head back to Earth via Metron's Underground Railroad which totally isn't a Boom Tube at all. Superman acknowledges El's uselessness to the system of reality while also expressing his crippling need to believe in that uselessness. And then it all ends with Luthor thinking, "You're all human! All of you! Bwa ha ha ha! Because, you know, God made the people of Earth and the only way to have any other sentient beings in the universe is if they were created by God but only through humanity since Jesus saved humanity! Or something! Whatever, it's all very religious and Christian or something."

The Coming of the Supermen #5

Superman should have lunch before breaking up this fight. It might solve at least his future Luthor problems.

The Review!
Most artists who can draw probably also think they can write because writing is the easy part! You just draw a panel of Gambit throwing a card at a Sentinel and make him say a card game pun! The thing about comic books is that so many of the writers are so mediocre that companies may as well have the artists write the comic book as well. Which may be the reason we have this debacle by Neal Adams. The writing is terrible. It's terrible with so many "very"s in front of it that I should probably think up a better word to describe it so I can drop a few veries. How about atrocious? No wait! Abominable! It is an abominable travesty! I bet the only person who is enjoying it is Denny O'Neil. There's no doubt now who was the brains behind the Green Lantern/Green Arrow team-up tales! Was there any doubt before this? People were probably just all, "Denny did a great job on the writing and Neal did a great job on the art and I would never consider giving either one credit for what the other person so obviously did!" But if that wasn't the case, now we know definitively that Neal Adams did not do any of the writing on that series. Unless some of that series was terrible. I mean abominable. All that shit was before my time.

The Commentary!
I've just passed the Gertrude Stein section of The Norton Anthology of Modern Poetry (Second Edition!) and I've come to a radical opinion. She's a fraud. She's a big fat fucking fraud and I was frauded by her all this frauding time! Fraud! A fraud! Fraudulently a fraud. I mean, the opposite of that! She was honestly a fraud! Although I still have to read The Biography of Alice B. Toklas to get a real sense of her fraudgility because she sort of breaks all of her own rules in that piece and might actually make some sense in it. Even if I eventually come to remain of the never-before-thought-of opinion that Stein is a fraud, I will still always love Melanctha. She nailed that shit to the wall. Through the wall even! Maybe when all is said and done, my critical opinion will be that she can't quite be a fraud simply because she wrote Melanctha. Although I've never been able to get through Melanchta a second time, and I really don't know if that's a positive or negative criticism of it. I should explain more about why I think she's a fraud or else I just come off as an unthinking moron with no ability to back up their gut opinion which is probably also a stupid opinion. You know, like everybody.

So what I was thinking while reading "A Valentine to Sherwood Anderson" was "Is this clever and I am not clever? Why doesn't this make any sense? Do I need a supplemental class on Gertrude Stein and the literary movement of pseudo-ex-patriots writing in an American vernacular while partying in Paris with painters? I can see why James Joyce avoided Gertrude's salon! No wait! Maybe he avoided her because their styles were so similar! Is that true? Have I ever managed to read anything by James Joyce? I did once begin to read A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Does that mean I'm an expert on James Joyce? Probably! I also know he wrote Odysseus! Do I have to put the name of a book in italics if I've gotten the name completely wrong? Since this is supposed to be what I was thinking I can probably do away with the italics altogether since I don't think in fonts and styles. At least not usually." Did that clear anything up? Um, maybe what I was trying to express was how if I read something and it doesn't make any sense, I know the fault is with me and I should read it again. Because the artist almost certainly had a quite specific reason for writing the piece the way they wrote the piece. If I read it a second time and it doesn't make any sense, I still know it's my fault and I should maybe think on it and read it again later. If I read it for the hundredth time and it's still nonsense and it will always completely be nonsense until I read in Gertrude Stein's own words what she meant and what she was trying to do, then it is a work perpetrated by a fraud. It is as worthless as anything created by a student in art school.

Unless it isn't. It probably isn't! I'm going to go back to assuming I'm too stupid to truly get it until after I've read "Tender Buttons" five thousand more times.

You might think a discussion on Gertrude Stein doesn't belong at the beginning of a review of a Superman comic book. But that's probably because you haven't been reading it and avoided being thoroughly confused by the dialogue of The Coming of the Supermen.

This is the best dialogue so far!

Superman is going crazy searching for the boy he kidnapped who was kidnapped by Kalibak. He's acting like a crazed lover! It's so untoward! People may begin to talk. Like me! I'm a people and I'm talking all about how Superman kidnapped a young boy to live with him and now has gone mad with lust-rage because the boy has gone missing. I'm not sure Neal Adams understands the character of Superman. I also might be projecting my edgelord beliefs onto Superman.

Superman eventually discovers where Rafi is being held when he tells a Parademon to both talk and shut up at the same time. No wait. Maybe I read the dialogue bubbles out of sequence. I think it made more sense than that. Although maybe not because Neal Adams seems to like writing dialogue which constantly contradicts itself.

Well, which is it, Granny? Nasty boy or goody two-shoes?

Lois shows up and does something untoward to Granny Goodness with a large staff. I wonder if I use "untoward" a few more times, I'll understand what Gertrude Stein was getting at!

Besides Lois, Kalibak also shows up even though I thought Orion took care of him earlier. It doesn't really matter because Mister Miracle and Big Barda also show up to take out Kalibak once and for all. Maybe. How everybody realized that needed to be in this scene at exactly this moment, I don't know because I don't understand writing and contrivance.

What follows are a series of incomplete sentences forming a discussion about divvying up New Krypton into thirds.

Superman: "Can New Kryp...?"
Mister Miracle: "Sure! Take a look at...."
Superman: "Wow! A planet can be divided three ways and shared?! Who would have thou...?"
Big Barda: "Boom...Tube...unsafe...penetrate...anything...."
Superman: "I see!"

And then Metron appears because what is going on?

Where are they that they can't pass? What is The Jaunt? Why can't Superman speak smoothly?!

Metron's new purpose is "freedom." Apparently he's running an underground railroad for people who want to leave Apokolips which is basically everybody. Too bad Metron's underground railroad ends in explosive death for the people yearning to be free. Superman stands aghast to Metron's untoward method of rescue and Metron is all, "Freedom is death! Duh! Why are you so dumb, Superman?!"

Wait! I shouldn't be so glib about the conversation because the conversation is better than any glibness I can glib all over it! After Metron blows up all of the Apokoliptians, he says, "It's a kind of freedom...isn't it?" And Superman replies, "The very worst kind." Touché!

But wait! It was all a hoax perpetrated by Metron to fool Darkseid's death machines into thinking they've killed the Apokoliptians! Metron tricked them into seeing the Apokoliptians die so they'd report back to Darkseid and give up the chase. Superman decides to believe that it was all an illusion because the thought that Metron just murdered hundreds of innocent people is too disturbing. But now that the death machines have reported back to Darkseid, they can be destroyed. So the Supermen smash the robots to pieces.

Do grown reporters have an aversion to appliances being smashed?

Superman desperately tries to convince the Supermen and Mister Miracle that the Apokoliptian refugees are a danger to the real citizens of New Krypton. Rafi must be playing with Isa because he doesn't begin hating Superman at all after hearing that opinion.

Mister Miracle mentions that the refugees will be able to choose where to live once New Krypton is sorted into three parts: New Krypton, Apokolips, and New Genesis. Even if Big Barda pointed out earlier that New Genesis won't be safe even using New Krypton's force field due to Boom Tube technology. She adamantly stated New Genesis will not be part of New Krypton. It might still be that way. I really have no idea what's going on in this comic book except that Superman kidnapped a child.

Now that Rafi is safe, Superman decides to go after Darkseid and Lex to stop whatever their evil plans are. Destroying New Krypton to take up two-thirds of the planet, I think. Lois insists on going with Superman even though he explains that he is invulnerable while she is not and it would be easier to fight Darkseid while not having to worry about keeping a her safe. Lois calls him a rat and tells him she's going with him even if it means more work, worry, and stress for him. Lois is an asshole.

I don't even know.

Apparently Muhammad's "Daddy got to go to war" argument convinces Lois to stay behind with Rafi. It's either that or Superman telling her that the real scoop is Rafi and his dog, Isa (Jesus!), but she won't be able to write it because Superman would then be arrested on molestation charges. Superman begins to head off to battle while Neal Adams shows just how much enthusiasm he has for this project.

I'm with you, Rafi. We've got the 'tude.

Meanwhile, Darkseid and Luthor continue to act like buffoons. Darkseid threatens to Boom Tube in an army to kill Luthor and Luthor goes insane. Lex laughs in Darkseid's face for six panels without killing him.

The seventh panel.

Superman arrives in time to see Luthor disintegrated by Darkseid. Luckily Superman doesn't care about Lex Luthor. Or maybe Superman knows this is another trick of Metron's. Or maybe Lex Luthor has a force-field like the one on the cover and we all know he's not really dead. Or maybe Lex Luthor has been transported back in time. Or maybe none of this matters because it is terrible and out of continuity anyway?

The Coming of the Supermen #4

Adams covers for this series are just various pictures of Superman being hurt.

The Review!
The dialogue in this comic book is terrible when it's good, and incomprehensible when it's bad. Characters speak in strange, staccato fragments. They respond to each other in ways that don't quite make sense to me. Sure, I'm able to get the gist of their conversations but they're more awkward than the conversation I had with the woman on the train to Seattle. She heard me describing to my friend Upright the next chapter of Dwarf Lover that involves Wonderland's Alice and revolves around identity. So as I passed her, she said, "What was that you were talking about? I love Alice in Wonderland!" I looked at her, paused, and walked away. Hmm. I guess it wasn't a conversation after all. Maybe the dialogue in this comic book is more realistic than I realized. Anyway, the dialogue isn't the worst part. This comic book feels like Neal Adams lost control of it somewhere around the second issue. It seems like Kalibak would have done well to not piss off Superman. Without Kalibak stealing Rafi, Superman would barely even bother with what was going down on Nibiru. I mean New Krypton. He would have kicked Steppenwolf off Earth and maybe signed some autographs for the mystery Supermen. I feel like Rafi must still be important to the story in some kind of Islam versus Christianity subtext that really hasn't been present since the first issue. Hopefully it'll come back next issue because it was the most interesting part of this story! Possibly because I made it up!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Orion entering the plot to make things more confusing. I suppose the only thing I need to know right now is that Kalibak kidnapped the kid that Superman kidnapped and now Superman wants him back. The battle is taking place on the shield that surrounds New Krypton which lies on the opposite side of the sun, in the same orbit, as Earth. This takes place in a timeline where Superman was allowed to keep his red underwear. I believe that means it doesn't matter to regular continuity because nobody was willing to ask Neal Adams to understand what the fuck was going on with The New 52.

Is it possible we're seeing Neal Adams have a stroke in real time as he scripted this?

I hope Neal Adams doesn't have a stroke any time soon just to make me feel bad for writing that! I'm glad I never had anything but nice things to say about Darwyn Cooke!

Orion awkwardly tells Superman about a rocket carrying a red sun mote headed toward Earth's yellow sun which will fuck everything up for Kryptonians everywhere in the Sol System. And by "telling Superman," he really just kind of drops a hint or two so that Superman has to repeat a key word from Orion's dialogue so Orion will continue to say a little bit more from which Superman must again repeat a key word so Orion says a bit more. It's like having a conversation with an NPC in Ultima IV. Orion could have just said, "Well, Supes, I know you want to rescue your boy but there's this red sun mote thing made by Lex and given to Darkseid which just got shot toward your sun. So choose, buddy! Sun or son, amirite?!"

Superman watches the rocket take off from New Krypton and follows after it. But he's not fast enough to stop it before the mote enters the sun because, as we all know, traveling from the Earth to the Sun in comic books takes about ten seconds. Now Superman is fucked because he's floating in space with the yellow sun turning orange. Or something.

After saying all that desperately hopeless bullshit, one doesn't usually say, "Things could be worse," do they?

Meanwhile, Rafi and his dog Isa (Remember! That means Jesus!) are having milk and cookies inside of Granny Goodness's Home For Awkward Teenagers. Granny Goodness offers them kindly and then screams at Rafi about how he's going to be her greatest project and how they're going to eat the dog later. Transubstantiation!

The mote did cause an orange spot on the sun just like I guessed, even if I was joking. I mean, I was totally being scientific about it! So Superman is now at half-power for the rest of the comic book. That'll make things more challenging! Although if, at full power, he wasn't able to catch a rocket before it got to the sun even after he left the planet just a few seconds behind the rocket, I don't know if he can defeat Kalibak and Darkseid at half power!

Meanwhile, Luthor and Darkseid act like Abbott and Costello.

Imagine this version of Darkseid in Geoff Johns' Justice League!

Lois is running around on Apokolips searching for her scoop while Superman sits in his underwear getting de-red-sunned. Or something. I don't know. This comic book is terrible!

The Coming of the Supermen #3

Superman is Jack from Lost in the last season?

The Review
What the fuck is going on in this comic book? Does anybody else get the feeling that Neal Adams had no real idea what to do with this story after the first issue? By the last half of this issue, things are so muddled and confused that I had to check my pupils in the mirror to make sure they were the same size. After confirming that I wasn't having a stroke, I went back to the comic book where I remained confused until the end. On a basic level, I suppose the story is easy enough to follow. Darkseid is invading New Krypton who need Superman's help to stop the invasion. But why the fuck is Rafi important enough to be kidnapped by Kalibak? Doesn't that just ensure that Superman is going to come to New Krypton? And what about the demon Muhammad and the dog Jesus? I thought this was going to be an allegory about the relationship between Christianity and Islam! And why do most of the scenes wind up making little sense at all? And who uses "PAM" as the sound made when Superman bounces off of Kalibak's skull? Why is Lex Luthor such an incoherent bumbler? Usually when a mini-series I'm reading has an issue like this, I give up on it even though that means my collection remains incomplete. But I guess I'll stick this one out because Neal Adams is getting to that age that he's going to need money for medical expenses and it's either going to come from supporting his work or giving a few bucks to a future GoFundMe page.

The Commentary
Here is a Tweet that I happened to read on my Twitter Feed because it was retweeted by a cousin of the Non-Certified Spouse whom I follow because I don't want to seem like the pretentious Douchéstork I actually am: "What's it like having enough money to go on strike and still be able to pay the rent?" Oh! Ha ha! Hilarious and cutting observation, @FuckstickMcGee (I changed his Twitter handle to protect him from whomever he stole that Twitter joke). Too bad Fuckstick doesn't have the brain power to think past his bon mot! Guess what, Mister McGee? If not for strikes and unions by people who not only couldn't fucking pay their rent to do it but were also subjected to physical violence and blacklisting, people don't have to work every fucking day, all fucking day, just to pay that fucking rent! And guess what? People go on strike all the time even when they can't afford it. Because corporations aren't going to improve employee working conditions and pay simply because the wind changes direction and Mary Poppins arrives to teach them a magic word. A magic word that can kill, by the way! Boy, that Mary Poppins was a bad-ass. One of my biggest anti-establishment heroes alongside Willy Wonka. Oh, sure. You might argue about Willy Wonka and I might have to concede some points that he was definitely a bastard corporate owner, what with using alien labor in the guise of offering them protection from Vermicious Knids, but overall, I'd have to say he generally gave his finger to the establishment in terrific ways. Like causing global riots with his Golden Ticket program, and murdering shitty kids in his factory, and willing everything he owns to some poverty stricken child. Oh, sure, that child was white and male but all of our heroes are problematic in one way or another!

I wonder why I even present the idea that I'm reviewing comic books? How many people might actually enjoy my blog if only they realized it was only about twenty percent about comic books?! I might have a problem with branding! Although that's not a new revelation. Who names their comic book review blog something incomprehensible like Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea?! Fucking idiot.

In the previous issue, Kalibak had kidnapped Clark's new foster child. I call Rafi his "foster child" because I don't want to accuse Superman of kidnapping as well. When Kalibak takes a child away from his home, you know the intent is probably malicious. But when Superman takes a child away from his home and his country, you know it's probably for the kid's sake.

You should probably also remember that Rafi's dog's name was Isa which is Jesus in Islam. That would probably be offensive if anybody actually cared about offending Christians. It's probably actually offensive to white people who think Muslims need their protection, actually. What might be most offensive is how Neal Adams drew Muhammad as a winged demon in the first issue!

Oh! And in this issue as well!

I know what you're thinking! At least, I know what I'm pretending you're thinking so that I can answer the fake question I'm shoving in your head: "What proof do you have that the demon is supposed to represent Muhammad?!" Oh wait. I can't answer that question. I don't have any proof. You're just going to have to trust me. I am a Master Comic Book Reader, after all.

Superman discovers that the Supermen are from New Krypton where they've been invaded by Darkseid who heard New Krypton had really great--and strong!--chairs.

I guess everybody is out of breath this issue because every sentence is interrupted by at least one ellipsis. "This is why we came to Earth. We...need your help...on New Krypton. We've been invaded...by Apokolips." He's so out of breath that he can't even muster the strength to end that last sentence with an exclamation point! Which it totally deserves!

"They wear us down, like vermin." Is that a Biblical allusion?

The Supermen's plan was to take over protecting Earth while Superman headed off to New Krypton to save the day. Superman agrees but he needs a ship so he can bring back Rafi since Rafi can't hold his breath in space the way Superman can. Superman decides he'll borrow one of Lex's. Actually, he'll steal one of Lex's ships. I know Lex ultimately gives Superman permission but what else can he do when Superman is holding him by the scruff of the neck and calling him a criminal?

And apparently flaunting his perfect locks as well!

Is that Neal Adams take on Lex Luthor? He hates Superman because he's jealous of his hair? Enh, it's better than some takes!

I also like how Neal Adams can't picture a spaceship that doesn't drive like a car. Why would Superman even trust one of Luthor's ships? It's probably full of kryptonite!

New Krypton lies on the other side of the sun from Earth. I suppose that means it's in the exact same orbit and going about the sun at the same rate of speed? Is that the idea? Protecting New Krypton from interstellar stuff is an invisible shield. And making their home on that shield? Darkseid and his minions! So they're like lice, I guess.

Lois stows away on Superman's ship because she has to get the scoop! Her ass looks great in a space suit, by the way. I'm sure that didn't need to be said. We all know Lois's ass looks great in anything she wears.

Superman and the New Kryptonians go to battle against Darkseid's forces while Darkseid learns that the software he purchased from Lex Luthor was only a monthly licensing agreement. What a jerk! Remember the days when you could pay one price to license using a program on one computer and you didn't have to keep renewing it monthly because everything took place in the cloud? Fucking cloud! Corporations try to make it sound like a magical place to keep data safe but it's really just an excuse to charge people monthly for their stupid fucking software.

This Luthor's dialogue is making Jesse Eisenberg's look like Edward Packard. I was going to say like Shakespeare but I didn't want to exaggerate.

In the battle against the Apokoliptians, Superman is blasted by Desaad's Red Sun Mote Ray before the action shifts back to Earth. But when the scene returns to New Krytpon, Superman is going after Kalibak. So I guess Luthor's weapon made especially to defeat Superman was a dud? I hope Darkseid didn't sign a two year contract.

Superman beats Kalibak over and over again asking where Rafi is until Orion finally turns up to point out that Kalibak is an idiot and probably doesn't remember. And that's where this mess ends.

The Coming of the Supermen #2

Jesus is having a great time in this picture.

Rating: No change. It continues to be ranked at 23 of 51 DC Comics. It's worth reading if you're into a bit of modern writing with a helping heaping of old school charm. Not that this writing is "modern" modern! It's not taking itself too seriously or trying to wink at the audience every chance it gets to show how smart it is. It's just that it's old school without being written down to the audience (mostly because in the old school, the majority of the audience was suspected to be kids (even if it wasn't and DC had the letters to prove it)). And it's a story about Superman that gets a lot of the Superman beats right. That alone makes it a better Superman comic book than most of the Superman comic books DC has published since The New 52 began.

• I have a sneaking and intelligent suspicion that Neal Adams is writing about religion in this story. It's too early to predict what the point is but since he seems to have made Muhammad into a demon and Jesus into a dog that Middle Easterners will not accept, I think it might be pro-Christian. Although the little kid Rafi tells Superman that the demon (you know, Muhammad) isn't as scary as he looks. Not that anybody knows what Muhammad looks like. But, you know, most Americans probably think he's scary anyway. Also try to remember that most of those Americans probably have no idea that Muslim, Judaism, and Christianity all worship the same god.

• It's currently Easter so I should probably lay off all the pornography talk and concentrate on the religious undertones in this comic book. Actually, I'll probably wind up being more disrespectful by talking about religion than by talking about fat cocks. So I'm still up in the air about which way to go with this commentary.

"Bad taste in my mouth"? I guess it's decided which way I'm going to go! Religion because that reminds me of transubstantiation!

• Oh wait! It could also be semen! I'm still confused!

• Kalibak has returned to penetrate Lex's backdoor but this time he brought some Apokolips Dogs! The kind that bite, not the kind with relish. I mean, they probably bite with relish but they don't have mustard. I mean, they obviously must turd but nobody puts ketchup on them. I mean...okay, okay. This routine is getting old!

• Superman and the three new Supermen arrive to stop Kalibak from making more sexual innuendos.

• The "S" on this Superman's chest must stand for synesthesia because I've never smelled a foul-smelling sound before.

• The Kryptonian is probably confused because he's ESL and he meant to say Kalibak has bad breath.

• Steppenwolf is dressed like an elf.

• As you can see in one of the above scans, Neal Adams still thinks it's okay to use thought balloons. What an old fool! Doesn't he know the cool kids are all using Narration Boxes with the main character's voice but from some time in the future where he's reflecting on the story and able to speak directly to the reader? Duh! It's so much lazier. I mean better!

• The new Supermen are from Kandor. I'm not sure where Kandor is in this DC Universe. It sounds like maybe it was placed in a red sun system on a planet now called New Krypton? Was that a thing in the Preboot? Or did the Supermen build a rocket ship that could blast through the cork in the bottled city of Kandor?

• After Superman defeats Kalibak, he and the others are looked after by Luthor's medical team. The medical team take samples of their blood. But when Superman realizes that Luthor is behind it, he destroys all of the blood he can find. But he fails to find the Kryptonian DNA which Luthor swallowed!

• Superman discovers that Darkseid stole some kind of Red Sun technology from Luthor. So that's probably going to get turned into weapons that cancel out Superman's power!

• Kalibak attacks for the third time but this time he's got Rafi and Rafi's dog Isa (that means "Jesus", remember?). Kalibak takes him into a Boom Tube and disappears. Stupid Superman! Why did he allow himself to get close to a kid and his god? I mean dog! Doesn't he know that's what secret identities are for?! Oh! Maybe the nanny he hired was actually Granny Goodness! Never trust a nanny you find on Apokolist.

• Rafi didn't appear enough to get any religious undertones so I'm still not sure what all the religious shit was about or why the Muslim kid has a dog named Jesus.

The Coming of the Supermen #1

This book sounds filthy.

Is this a joke comic book? Was Neal Adams purposefully hired to write a Superman comic book that reads like a low budget porn? As opposed to a high budget porn which is only a theoretical thought experiment. I'm not simply asking this question because the title causes every immature person reading comic books (i.e., all of them) to glance over at the place where their friend would be if they had one and titter like a moron. I'm asking because the Parademons invade by saying to "Hit it hard for Darkseid!" And Lois Lane, looking like she's got both of her hands halfway up inside of her, screams, "Something big is emerging from that so-called 'boom tube'". It's little turns of phrase that I might ignore if the comic book hadn't been called "The Coming of the Supermen" like when Lois asks "Did they come in ships?" and I spit fizzy water all over the comic book (because I'm a comic book reader and thus immature).

The title is spelled out with semen.

I see Tony Bedard helped with the script but didn't get a credit on the cover so maybe he decided to undermine the entire project with his filthy sex talk. Neal Adams is from a time when nobody raised an eyebrow when Batman was given a sidekick named Dick so of course he didn't notice how disgusting Bedard was making his Superman story.

Lois, dressed as if Dan Jurgens designed her outfit and did her hair, begins the story by reminding everybody how she broke the story of Superman because she's the fucking greatest. And now she's breaking a new story about more Supermen coming to Earth. It makes her so wet that she begins masturbating on camera as she reports Parademons invading the backdoor of Lex Tower (which looks like a huge cock and balls). Kalibak is leading the invasion so don't be surprised if I insert a yawn or two into my commentary as I go along.

*YAWN*

Just practicing! I'm not bored yet! I'm still sort of turned on by Lois's look as she reported Apokolips's penetration of Lex's stronghold.

Yes, Lois, yes! Rub it right out of existence, you horny bitch!

Before I get too far away from that part where I basically called Neal Adams an old man, I want to apologize. He's doing the art so there's nobody else to blame for the sexual imagery he's laying down in conjunction with the ribald dialogue. For example, the picture of Lois losing her uterus while watching things emerge from a huge tube. Another example--which I'm not scanning because I'm sure you all have a copy of this comic book beside you since you were at the comic book store and were all, "Oh look! Superman in his red underwear! Suck it, New 52!"--is when Kalibak lands and ejaculates all over Lexcorps' security guards with the power axe emerging from his crotch. It even makes the same sound as a penis ejaculating after weeks of withholding its sticky treasure: CHOOOM!

This shit is fucking filthy. Who do I write to at DC to complain about this not being written earlier?

The new Supermen arrive to fuck Kalibak (I'm guessing based on the tone of the comic book so far!). Every single one of the new Supermen look exactly like the kind of porn actor hired to do porn versions of Hollywood movies simply because they kind of, vaguely, look like the star of the original movie while also having a fat cock. Lois continues to report the action live as her vagina steams up the camera's lens.

Lois is all, "These men may be wearing Superman's uniform and delivering pizza and have huge fucking bulges but they're no Superman! Where is the King of Krypton, the Prince of Pussy Pleasing, the Master of Mutual Masturbation? Well, people at home watching this broadcast because you love the way my tits look in a suit and not for the reason you should be watching this which is because I'm the best fucking reporter this world has ever seen, Superman was last seen somewhere in the Middle East! I'd be more specific but since I'm mostly broadcasting to Americans, why confuse you all by mentioning countries you've never heard of?"

Superman is currently laughing about a puppy about to get the shit blown out of it in that Middle Eastern location that really doesn't need to be any more specific than that because the readers get what that means, right? "Middle East." It's what a certain percentage of my family members on Facebook would refer to as a "non-Christian shithole". Well, if anybody would know anything about Christian shitholes, it's them! Superman only decides to save the puppy when the puppy's boy is in danger. I know it's been said before and I really hate repeating what everybody and their no-love-from-Superman dog has said but Superman really is a dick.

Superman doesn't like to get political so he flat out lies to this kid. "Oh silly Rafi! War is everywhere and it's only because a few people want it. Huge swathes of Americans aren't constantly saying how this area should be turned into glass, no matter what you've heard or is actually true! I mean, some people don't even have a dog and you're complaining about losing everything else? Stop being such a jerk, Rafi!"

A huge demon appears to tell Superman to adopt Rafi and his dog. I think the demon might be a certain prophet but having never seen an artist's depiction of him, I can't be sure. The dog's name is Isa which is Jesus in Islam which probably means something but I'm getting distracted by possible religious themes in what is almost certainly a porn parody. Somebody else can write about the end times religious shit going down here.

You're getting a little too on the nose with your religious commentary, Adams. How about talking about the Supermen coming some more? Loads and loads more!

Superman asks the demon his name while mockingly referring to him as Mister "Messenger" so I think I was probably right about the demon being Neal Adams' depiction of Muhammad (you know, the Messenger of Allah). Rafi says of this messenger, "I know he looks scary, Superman, but he does not feel scary." If anybody else is interested in a reading of The Coming of the Supermen's religious undertones, go find some other critic that wants to sound smart. I'm getting back into all of the porn stuff as soon as Superman heads back to Metropolis. And I hope I don't get Neal Adams in trouble for suggesting that he drew a caricature of Muhammad! That's just my silly and questionably intelligent opinion.

She means they don't quite fill the red underwear.

It's nice to see that in the DC Youniverse, nobody in the media is afraid of causing widespread panic by showing people the truth of what's happening in their world. An attack by Apokolips? Oh, no big deal. That just means big ratings for Lois Lane as she somehow gets cameras on the scene showing every angle while also interviewing Lex live at the scene and using the entire event for self-promotion. I'm sure nobody in Metropolis is terrified that they're all likely to die in yet another invasion. At least this one seems centered around Lex Luthor so maybe now everybody will come out against Lex and blame him for making Metropolis unsafe.

Clark Kent leaves Rafi and Isa with Jimmy Olsen as he goes to help stop Kalibak's raid on Lex Luthor's back door. Superman chases off Kalibak and the Parademons. Before he can speak with the other Supermen, he's taken on a "journey of the mind" by his Middle Eastern Demon Friend, Mu. They head back ten thousand years into the past to spy on the ancient Egyptians. I guess this is going to be some Ancient Aliens bullshit now. Nobody has done anything vaguely pornographic for some pages now! I'm really becoming disappointed (i.e., flaccid).

In Ancient Egypt, Superman learns that the Egyptians followed a different god of which no evidence exists because fucking anthropologists must suck. His name is Yuga Khan! But that's all the demon can reveal because he has limits on what he can tell Superman. The limits make no sense because it's easier to write a mystery with a shackled guide. "I can only tell you enough to keep the reader interested but not tell you everything so you can save the world! At least not until we've raked in all the cash. That'll happen around Issue Five. People still around for Issue Five will probably stick around for Issue Six so we can over-explain the mysteries then."

The Coming of Supermen #1 Rating: 24 out of 50-something. I hate a lot of things about comic books. But one thing I sort of love about comic books is when old school writers come back and write a comic book that's more like current comic books but retain much of the old school feel. Len Wein is doing that in Swamp Thing and Neal Adams captures some of that here. It has the look and feel of a story from the Silver Age but without all of the fucked up nonsensical written-to-children craziness you might find in those older books. Okay, it's got some of that. But in a modern way that makes it less eye-rollery and more nostalgia-massagery. It gets a little silly but that's because Adams isn't taking it too seriously which is a failing of many modern superhero writers. Like the Supermen who are coming. They're played as kind of idiotic but in an innocent way and not in a way that makes them the butt of the joke (yet!). I don't think I want all of my Superman comic books to have this tone but there's definitely room for one or two like this (especially since a quarter of DC's books star Superman). Although this story takes place in the eighties, right? So that's fucking weird!