Some jerko scribbled on my copy!
The Review!
This is the section where I sum up my thoughts on the book after reading it. The next section is the one where I catalog my thoughts as I read the comic book. Usually I don't have many thoughts about a book after I read it which is why I'm writing this nonsense about how this page is organized. This is the least fun section to write because I don't actually want to think about the media I've consumed. I just want to react to it in a childishly petulant way. Is that redundant? Who cares because it gets across that I'm childish. I'm like a child. I want what I want and I don't want to have to think long or work hard. What I want to do is giggle about how I just used the words "long" and "hard". I suppose I should work harder at being insightful since people like to read smart things that make them think, "I'm smart because I just read a smart thing!" Of course, maybe the people looking to read comic book reviews aren't that pretentious? Maybe what I have to say is exactly what they're looking for! Because sometimes people like to read things that make them think, "This person is a complete moron and I am so much smarter than this stupid person on the internet with their stupid opinions that are so much worse than mine!" So maybe being insightful is a negative thing! I should just remain superficial and glib! I should also, at the veryiest least, have some kind of opinion on The Flash Rebirth #1 for my review. So here it is: this was written by the same guy who took over Voodoo after Ron Marz couldn't make it interesting. I don't remember him making it any more interesting than Ron Marz made it. But he did manage to blow up everything Marz had been creating by killing most of Marz's characters and explaining away Voodoo's complete change of character by making two Voodoos! So if you're that one guy from way back who once commented on my blog that Voodoo was the only New 52 book worth reading, maybe you'll love this book! Although I don't think that guy liked the book for the writing, if you get my meaning. My meaning is that he liked Voodoo's boobies.
The Commentary!
Flash must really be enjoying this Rebirth thing. For once, he's not the cause of the total restructuring of the DC Universe! I don't know that he was the cause in Final Crisis either since I never read that. I think maybe Superboy may have fucked up that universe. Fitting that he did it by punching it, right? With all the punching to solve problems in DC, I'm surprised there isn't more domestic violence. Maybe that's why nobody has been allowed to get married! They all need to take anger management courses before they can think seriously about beginning an intimate relationship with somebody.
Joshua "Voodoo Road Trip To Europa" Williamson begins this issue by trying to pull the pants down around the reader's eyes. But I totally saw through his ploy because I don't often wear my pants over my head. And when I say "pants", I mean the British version of the word which means "underwear". Did you know they also call an elevator a "lift" and a flashlight a "torch" and a vagina a "fanny" and a penis a "knob" and the tip of a penis a "bellend" and a berk is a "cunt" but that's due to Cockney rhyming slang so I don't think it counts quite as much as the others. What I'm trying to say is that when some ignorant American says to somebody, "Speak American!", I don't think he needs to be corrected because we should all face the facts that British English and American English are often distinguished as two different types of English and can't you just shorten "American English" to "American"? I would say you can except I don't want to take away the joy of sneering at an ignorant fool who can only speak one language mouthing off to somebody speaking a language other than English while in America because it's one of life's greatest pleasures. To look down the nose at somebody in a righteous and better-than-thou manner is one of the few times we can feel better than anybody else in this modern world! At least one of the few times you won't get your life ruined by a Twitter Mob for doing it, anyway.
Although I guess you can join a Twitter Mob if you want to angrily look down your nose at somebody!
Oh, so the trick Joshua plays is that he presents a scene that looks like the crime scene of Nora Allen's homicide but it's really somebody else's crime scene that's a lot like it. But this one gets to be investigated by Barry Allen so it won't get all mucked up this time around! Singh is worried Barry is going to get too involved in this case so he kicks him off of it. But Barry is all, "Nope, I'm not kicked off at all, Director. I'm totally still on the case!" And so Director Singh is all, "Okay, okay. You're still on the case. But don't get crazy or you're off of it!" Then Barry hallucinates Zoom and acts like a whatever is the non-offensive replacement for mental case. Director Singh is all, "See?! See?! You're off the case!" And Barry is all, "Nope! I'm not! See you later!" That Director Singh has problems being taken seriously. That's probably because he's dating a guy who goes by the name of The Pied Piper.
Pretty soon, the Rebirth moment with Wally is repeated making it a Re-Rebirth remembrance.
You are! By the readers themselves! I mean, by the Watchmen! Because if you actually feel the readers watching you being the cause of all of these problems, it's too much for me! I'm out! I don't read DC Comics to get a meta-textual boner going!
The Flash "runs" off to talk to Batman about this whole time rearrangement thing. I guess I didn't have to put quotes around "runs" because that's what he actually did. I would never have said, "Superman 'flies' off to ask Batman to solve all of his problems for him." But then Superman's life isn't 95% pun.
Batman is busy analyzing The Comedian's smiley face button with the daub of blood across it. He hasn't figured anything out yet because he apparently hasn't read Watchmen. Who hasn't read Watchmen?! Just because it was published in a different universe is no excuse, especially for Batman. Batman and The Flash conclude that everything is inconclusive and there isn't any evidence aside from some weird radiation on the button but Barry decides to jump to a gut conclusion about this being personal anyway. And why not? His life was directly affected by whatever the bad guys did to the timeline, right? And by "bad guys", I mean "editors at DC being represented by the Watchmen." This shit is about to get silly.
The issue ends with the cops at the original crime scene pointing out that Barry sometimes makes mistakes. Like how he screws up the universe on a near constant basis, amirite?! Can I get a high-five?!
This is the section where I sum up my thoughts on the book after reading it. The next section is the one where I catalog my thoughts as I read the comic book. Usually I don't have many thoughts about a book after I read it which is why I'm writing this nonsense about how this page is organized. This is the least fun section to write because I don't actually want to think about the media I've consumed. I just want to react to it in a childishly petulant way. Is that redundant? Who cares because it gets across that I'm childish. I'm like a child. I want what I want and I don't want to have to think long or work hard. What I want to do is giggle about how I just used the words "long" and "hard". I suppose I should work harder at being insightful since people like to read smart things that make them think, "I'm smart because I just read a smart thing!" Of course, maybe the people looking to read comic book reviews aren't that pretentious? Maybe what I have to say is exactly what they're looking for! Because sometimes people like to read things that make them think, "This person is a complete moron and I am so much smarter than this stupid person on the internet with their stupid opinions that are so much worse than mine!" So maybe being insightful is a negative thing! I should just remain superficial and glib! I should also, at the veryiest least, have some kind of opinion on The Flash Rebirth #1 for my review. So here it is: this was written by the same guy who took over Voodoo after Ron Marz couldn't make it interesting. I don't remember him making it any more interesting than Ron Marz made it. But he did manage to blow up everything Marz had been creating by killing most of Marz's characters and explaining away Voodoo's complete change of character by making two Voodoos! So if you're that one guy from way back who once commented on my blog that Voodoo was the only New 52 book worth reading, maybe you'll love this book! Although I don't think that guy liked the book for the writing, if you get my meaning. My meaning is that he liked Voodoo's boobies.
The Commentary!
Flash must really be enjoying this Rebirth thing. For once, he's not the cause of the total restructuring of the DC Universe! I don't know that he was the cause in Final Crisis either since I never read that. I think maybe Superboy may have fucked up that universe. Fitting that he did it by punching it, right? With all the punching to solve problems in DC, I'm surprised there isn't more domestic violence. Maybe that's why nobody has been allowed to get married! They all need to take anger management courses before they can think seriously about beginning an intimate relationship with somebody.
Joshua "Voodoo Road Trip To Europa" Williamson begins this issue by trying to pull the pants down around the reader's eyes. But I totally saw through his ploy because I don't often wear my pants over my head. And when I say "pants", I mean the British version of the word which means "underwear". Did you know they also call an elevator a "lift" and a flashlight a "torch" and a vagina a "fanny" and a penis a "knob" and the tip of a penis a "bellend" and a berk is a "cunt" but that's due to Cockney rhyming slang so I don't think it counts quite as much as the others. What I'm trying to say is that when some ignorant American says to somebody, "Speak American!", I don't think he needs to be corrected because we should all face the facts that British English and American English are often distinguished as two different types of English and can't you just shorten "American English" to "American"? I would say you can except I don't want to take away the joy of sneering at an ignorant fool who can only speak one language mouthing off to somebody speaking a language other than English while in America because it's one of life's greatest pleasures. To look down the nose at somebody in a righteous and better-than-thou manner is one of the few times we can feel better than anybody else in this modern world! At least one of the few times you won't get your life ruined by a Twitter Mob for doing it, anyway.
Although I guess you can join a Twitter Mob if you want to angrily look down your nose at somebody!
Oh, so the trick Joshua plays is that he presents a scene that looks like the crime scene of Nora Allen's homicide but it's really somebody else's crime scene that's a lot like it. But this one gets to be investigated by Barry Allen so it won't get all mucked up this time around! Singh is worried Barry is going to get too involved in this case so he kicks him off of it. But Barry is all, "Nope, I'm not kicked off at all, Director. I'm totally still on the case!" And so Director Singh is all, "Okay, okay. You're still on the case. But don't get crazy or you're off of it!" Then Barry hallucinates Zoom and acts like a whatever is the non-offensive replacement for mental case. Director Singh is all, "See?! See?! You're off the case!" And Barry is all, "Nope! I'm not! See you later!" That Director Singh has problems being taken seriously. That's probably because he's dating a guy who goes by the name of The Pied Piper.
Pretty soon, the Rebirth moment with Wally is repeated making it a Re-Rebirth remembrance.
You are! By the readers themselves! I mean, by the Watchmen! Because if you actually feel the readers watching you being the cause of all of these problems, it's too much for me! I'm out! I don't read DC Comics to get a meta-textual boner going!
Batman is busy analyzing The Comedian's smiley face button with the daub of blood across it. He hasn't figured anything out yet because he apparently hasn't read Watchmen. Who hasn't read Watchmen?! Just because it was published in a different universe is no excuse, especially for Batman. Batman and The Flash conclude that everything is inconclusive and there isn't any evidence aside from some weird radiation on the button but Barry decides to jump to a gut conclusion about this being personal anyway. And why not? His life was directly affected by whatever the bad guys did to the timeline, right? And by "bad guys", I mean "editors at DC being represented by the Watchmen." This shit is about to get silly.
The issue ends with the cops at the original crime scene pointing out that Barry sometimes makes mistakes. Like how he screws up the universe on a near constant basis, amirite?! Can I get a high-five?!
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