Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Earth Too: Society #9

Guess what?! Everybody on Earth-Too fears heroes as well!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I get that the part where Lois Lane begins writing the new Earth-Too constitution with "In God We Trust" and then crosses it out is symbolic but it also makes Lois Lane look like a fucking dope. Why would that thought--beginning the new constitution with that phrase--even cross her mind?! Unless she's leaving that bit in! So she writes "In God We Trust" and then continues after a double-spaced gap with "Ha ha! That's how people saw the old world, right? Trusting the gods. Putting their faith in something other than themselves. But now we're on a different world. A new world. One created not by any god but by an interdimensional Machiavellian robotic monster! Which ultimately means the destiny of this planet must be shaped by those now living on it. It is up to us to trust ourselves, and to trust each other, to make this world a place where we can live in peace, prosperity, and the pursuit of sappiness."

And boy howdy do the people of Earth-Too need that speech! They're all fucking still living with the expectations of the Old World (you know, Earth-2!). They've just arrived on a new planet with only the technology and materials of the spaceships that brought them here and they're already trying to power the planet with oil and natural gas and shit dug up out of the earth! Hello! Your planet has two suns! TWO! Start upcycling your stupid spaceships into solar panels, you morons! Better yet, have Green Lantern make some for you with his magic, scary godlike powers! Oh, and isn't Mister Terrific down there? I hear he's the third smartest man in the world! He can build some shit to use the suns as a power source, right? Get those fucking Mister Terrific Balls in production already!

Earth-Too has about three million people on it and they're fighting over land rights. Are you kidding me?! If Green Lantern were a real hero, he'd just move the first city that becomes aggressive with another thousands of miles away to a new stretch of useless land (because apparently all the land is fucking useless). Who cares if somebody calls him a god or a fascist or a faggot? Okay, that last one was out of line. But still, who cares?! He can save lives and teach lessons!

I was hoping this was going to become a Justice Society book where the heroes all sit around a table and listen to Hawkman scream his fool head off about some non-traditional something bugging his bigoted ass. But instead it's about a bunch of heroes trying to build a new world in the face of a populace that are scared assholes without any fucking common sense. I hope the whole place blows up by issue thirteen.

I should also mention that whatever weird breeding program Fury has begun that's creating Amazons is also giving them some kind of weird hip dysplasia.

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