Sunday, February 21, 2016

Wonder Woman #49

This is the least subtle comment on the patriarchy I've ever seen on a comic book cover.

So it turns out that I still have enough time in my super busy life of leveling up in Call of Duty and getting my ass kicked playing Blood Bowl to do a few long form comic book commentaries every now and then. I couldn't resist doing one on an issue of Wonder Woman actually drawn by David Finch because he isn't as good at art as all of the comic book fans ever think he is. Am I that naked kid in the Emperor's New Clothes? Wait. The kid was the naked one, right?

Um, basically I realize I'm eager to do at least one per week. The question is which comic book do I write about each week? Well, that's up to you, the people! I mean the smart people. Stupid people reading this don't get an opinion. Just send me a note in some way letting me know which comic book in each coming up batch you'd like me to eviscerate and the one with the most requests will get a proper write-up. Or improper write-up. You know, whatever the fuck it is I do in these things.

According to the cover of this issue, women should be taking care of babies while men (symbolized by the screaming penis behind her) rampage about the land, penis in the lead, destroying civilization. That seems about right. The difference between men and women isn't that women don't like sex as much as men do. The difference is that women have standards and won't fuck anything that comes near them with an erect phallus. Some nights they will! But those are dangerous nights because you fuck a guy who isn't used to being fucked and it's like feeding a stray cat. That pathetic loser will never leave your back door no matter how many times you squirt him with the hose. When a woman just wants a good fuck, why do you think she'd go for a guy who looks like he has no experience with vaginas? She's going after some guy who thinks he's using her for the night because he'll probably be good in bed and he'll definitely not bother her the next day when she just wants to get on with her life. The proverbial "nice" guy isn't sexually shunned because he's too nice (mostly because he usually isn't). It's because he obviously (even on the most shallow of levels) has nothing to offer a woman who craves a fucking orgasm. Nice guys do know that women aren't just looking to let a guy rut on them for ten seconds before making a stupid face and apologizing profusely, right? They want to be fucked! F-U-C-K-E-D! Brains melting inside their heads because they've got three fingers inside them, a thumb on the clit, and a tongue in their asshole. Teaching a guy to be good at sex is like training a monkey you don't want in your fucking house because it eats all of your food and won't get a job and makes you drive everywhere while never paying for gas because it blew all of its money on Monkey Magic the Gathering cards.

This is the part where I pretend I'm one of those guys who are really good at sex and not that monkey because I don't know anything about Magic the Gathering due to fucking so much. I don't tap mountains! I tap ass! Did that make anybody wet?

Because he's a lazy man!

Zeke is actually Zeus and everybody knows it but they're still treating him as if he's a fragile human toddler. If Zeus suddenly shakes like he's having a seizure (even as a baby), it's probably because he's having an orgasm. The only weird part is that he isn't raping somebody as a toddler. It's pretty much his only hobby. It's weird to think how many rape stories I read in elementary school because I was so interested in mythology. In the seventies, I don't think anybody cared what kind of books were in the elementary school library. Although I went to Haman the Satanic Elementary School, so I shouldn't be surprised that along with all of the The Wizard of Oz books and dozens of mythology books, I also checked out The Amityville Horror from it. Go Haman Satanic Eagles!

Hera believes that Zeke is sick because Mount Olympus is in chaos. It's in less chaos than it was while The First Born was loose but it's still in some chaos because the God of Peace has decided that Peace is bullshit and means nothing without war. So, yes, the God of Peace is desperate for no peace at all because she's cuckoo. Hera has no solution to save the baby but she knows somebody who probably does! No, not the God of Doctors (probably because he's a male and also he has really creepy feet)! Gaia, the Mother God of All Mothers! Who better to take care of a baby than the ultimate woman! See? Just like how I interpreted the cover!

Gaia's temple is deep within the earth because vaginas.

Gaia ignores Wonder Woman's prayers because Wonder Woman isn't offering anything in return. She's just all, "I've never acknowledged you ever in my entire existence but now I've heard that you can solve a problem I have so here I am praying to you!" And when Gaia doesn't answer her prayer, Wonder Woman begins to vandalize the temple by punching the statue of Gaia and chipping it. Is that how she thinks you ask for favors from gods?! You demand them and when your prayer isn't answered, you threaten and insult them?! Why does Gaia suddenly owe Wonder Woman anything? I don't hate a lot of people but I really hate people who believe their needs are so important that everybody should get on board with them or else they're dicks. Also, I actually hate a lot of people and that bit about how I don't was a lie.

Wonder Woman encounters Hecate which was one of my favorite Magic the Gathering cards.

Okay, it was actually Hecatomb and I was remembering the name wrong. Probably because I was having so much sex in the nineties and not attending Magic Tournaments at the Red Lion in San Jose at all.

Hecate offers to help Wonder Woman for a price. That's more like it! Why would anybody do anything for anybody else for free?! That's fucking nuts. Hecate wants a few of Hera's precious orbs she keeps in her scrying pool which is the weirdest way to describe eggs and ovaries I've ever heard. But Wonder Woman is all, "I won't steal them! I'll be rational about it!" And Hecate is all, "You can't be rational when dealing with the gods! Haven't you noticed Hera is married to a toddler and the Goddess of Peace is a war monger and you're the Goddess of War and you're just trying to hug everybody? None of it makes any fucking sense! Here, let me show you!" She then goes on  to show Wonder Woman a vision of Hera acting suspicious. Which, of course, Wonder Woman simply takes as a true vision! Why are heroes in comic books always willing to believe anything anybody tells them?! What a bunch of gullible hicks!

"I am not the Goddess of Lies! I'm the Goddess of other things that totally don't make me seem suspicious and evil like Witchcraft and Necromancy! I also look like a lizard and did you ever hear that I tried to kill your mother but only made Derinoe old and bitter? Or something like that. I mean, if you've heard that, it was obviously a lie and told by somebody with a total anti-necromancy agenda!"

What follows is a scene where Diana dives into Hera's scrying pool which is a long, wet tunnel and then harvests Hera's last three orbs. It's totally clinical and not as sexy as I was hoping it would be after realizing that Diana was going to have to explore Hera's secret sanctum.

After harvesting Hera's orbs, Diana discovers a secret staircase leading down into Olympus. That's where she's attacked by the giant penis man on the cover! He was probably attracted to the orbs! He knocks out Diana and hauls her off to do whatever angry giant penises do to unconscious women. I wouldn't know having never pledged a fraternity.

Wonder Woman #49 Rating: No change! Seriously, no change! That's not a recommendation though because that's no change in rank of a comic that's ranked 40 out of 52 DC Comics (or somewhere near enough to 52 for me to not give a shit about the exact number). David Finch's art was at the level that would cause people to look at it and think, "He's really good and probably doesn't screw shit up all the time!" But mostly that's because he only drew a couple of panels with men in them. He likes drawing women and spends a lot of time getting them right, especially when they're wearing almost no clothes the way Hera was. I did like how everything in this book was a metaphor for genitals and reproductive organs though. Except for Zeke. He's just a metaphor for out of control lust and rampant fucking. Which, now that I think about it, is what all toddlers are metaphors for!

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