This is the least subtle comment on the patriarchy I've ever seen on a comic book cover.
Um, basically I realize I'm eager to do at least one per week. The question is which comic book do I write about each week? Well, that's up to you, the people! I mean the smart people. Stupid people reading this don't get an opinion. Just send me a note in some way letting me know which comic book in each coming up batch you'd like me to eviscerate and the one with the most requests will get a proper write-up. Or improper write-up. You know, whatever the fuck it is I do in these things.
According to the cover of this issue, women should be taking care of babies while men (symbolized by the screaming penis behind her) rampage about the land, penis in the lead, destroying civilization. That seems about right. The difference between men and women isn't that women don't like sex as much as men do. The difference is that women have standards and won't fuck anything that comes near them with an erect phallus. Some nights they will! But those are dangerous nights because you fuck a guy who isn't used to being fucked and it's like feeding a stray cat. That pathetic loser will never leave your back door no matter how many times you squirt him with the hose. When a woman just wants a good fuck, why do you think she'd go for a guy who looks like he has no experience with vaginas? She's going after some guy who thinks he's using her for the night because he'll probably be good in bed and he'll definitely not bother her the next day when she just wants to get on with her life. The proverbial "nice" guy isn't sexually shunned because he's too nice (mostly because he usually isn't). It's because he obviously (even on the most shallow of levels) has nothing to offer a woman who craves a fucking orgasm. Nice guys do know that women aren't just looking to let a guy rut on them for ten seconds before making a stupid face and apologizing profusely, right? They want to be fucked! F-U-C-K-E-D! Brains melting inside their heads because they've got three fingers inside them, a thumb on the clit, and a tongue in their asshole. Teaching a guy to be good at sex is like training a monkey you don't want in your fucking house because it eats all of your food and won't get a job and makes you drive everywhere while never paying for gas because it blew all of its money on Monkey Magic the Gathering cards.
This is the part where I pretend I'm one of those guys who are really good at sex and not that monkey because I don't know anything about Magic the Gathering due to fucking so much. I don't tap mountains! I tap ass! Did that make anybody wet?
Because he's a lazy man!
Hera believes that Zeke is sick because Mount Olympus is in chaos. It's in less chaos than it was while The First Born was loose but it's still in some chaos because the God of Peace has decided that Peace is bullshit and means nothing without war. So, yes, the God of Peace is desperate for no peace at all because she's cuckoo. Hera has no solution to save the baby but she knows somebody who probably does! No, not the God of Doctors (probably because he's a male and also he has really creepy feet)! Gaia, the Mother God of All Mothers! Who better to take care of a baby than the ultimate woman! See? Just like how I interpreted the cover!
Gaia's temple is deep within the earth because vaginas.
Wonder Woman encounters Hecate which was one of my favorite Magic the Gathering cards.
Okay, it was actually Hecatomb and I was remembering the name wrong. Probably because I was having so much sex in the nineties and not attending Magic Tournaments at the Red Lion in San Jose at all.
"I am not the Goddess of Lies! I'm the Goddess of other things that totally don't make me seem suspicious and evil like Witchcraft and Necromancy! I also look like a lizard and did you ever hear that I tried to kill your mother but only made Derinoe old and bitter? Or something like that. I mean, if you've heard that, it was obviously a lie and told by somebody with a total anti-necromancy agenda!"
After harvesting Hera's orbs, Diana discovers a secret staircase leading down into Olympus. That's where she's attacked by the giant penis man on the cover! He was probably attracted to the orbs! He knocks out Diana and hauls her off to do whatever angry giant penises do to unconscious women. I wouldn't know having never pledged a fraternity.
Wonder Woman #49 Rating: No change! Seriously, no change! That's not a recommendation though because that's no change in rank of a comic that's ranked 40 out of 52 DC Comics (or somewhere near enough to 52 for me to not give a shit about the exact number). David Finch's art was at the level that would cause people to look at it and think, "He's really good and probably doesn't screw shit up all the time!" But mostly that's because he only drew a couple of panels with men in them. He likes drawing women and spends a lot of time getting them right, especially when they're wearing almost no clothes the way Hera was. I did like how everything in this book was a metaphor for genitals and reproductive organs though. Except for Zeke. He's just a metaphor for out of control lust and rampant fucking. Which, now that I think about it, is what all toddlers are metaphors for!