Swamp Thing #32

The sea life is tired of Aquaman forcing them to do his dirty work! Time for the sea plant life to be forced into service.

If you want to be good at comedy, here's a tip from somebody who doesn't want to be good at comedy and isn't at all good at comedy but is fairly certain this is a good tip anyway: have a brain that is easily distracted. My ex-assistant Pickle Boy's son likes to make horrible puns so I suggested Pickle Boy force his son to write jokes for an hour every day. I was going to say he should train him up to be funny the way Tiger Woods was trained to play golf. But instead, my brain changed the direction of the comment as I was typing it and it came out like this: "You should raise him to do comedy the way Tiger Woods' father raised him to cheat on his wife." Then he said Pickle Boy Jr refused to eat his dinner, so he was served it again for breakfast. Then he refused to eat his breakfast and Pickle Boy asked me, "Guess what he's having for lunch?" I answered, "A knuckle sandwich?" Because child abuse is always a good punch line!

Hmm. Maybe I should force myself to write jokes for an hour every day! Every day I should pick a character and just think up jokes to make about that character. Then I'll be prepared to really give it to Aquaman the next time I read his stupid stories. Now I'm just going to have to make up Aquaman jokes on the fly as I read about him in Swamp Thing. Maybe Lord Google can think up some that I can tell!

Tess: "Lord Google! Tell me some Aquaman jokes!"
Lord Google: "Are you certain? If I show you the Aquaman jokes, I'm also going to have to show you the people that feel the need to defend Aquaman too."
Tess: "Ha ha! Aquaman needs internet trolls to defend him! Because he's a loser!"
Lord Google: "You're just making them angry."
Tess: "The only people more useless than Aquaman are his defenders! 'Hey now. You just don't realize he has super strength and a really large cock. Also he can talk to the fish part of the human brain and make people involuntarily come in their pants. Haven't you read the memo? He's totally cool now.' Ha ha! Jerkos!"
Lord Google: "So did you want an Aquaman joke or do y..."
Tess: "I don't care if everybody in the world suddenly declares making Aquaman jokes is uncool! I will not drink the Kool-Aid! I will not succumb! Aquaman was more fun when he was silly and embraced his fishy lifestyle! You know what the biggest Aquaman joke is? Trying to make him cool! It's not a popularity contest, Aquaman! Stop trying to be Batman and Superman! You're fine just the way you are! When kids are bullied at school, nobody should tell them, "Stop riding seahorses, you goof!" They should be told, "Embrace yourself! Love who you are! Be a flying fish riding weirdo if that's who you want to be!" Aquaman isn't cool because he can punch a person's head off and deflect bullets with his rock hard skin! He's cool because of the things the people that declare he's cool always deny! That's why I still make Aquaman jokes! Because Aquaman used to be fun and now he's a stoic, boring asshole. But at least he's popular, right?!"
Lord Google: "So, about those jokes?"
Tess: "Fuck the jokes! I love the real Aquaman and I'm not afraid to say it! Fuck all the people who love Aquaman because he's useful and powerful and a king and tough and bad-ass! I love the Aquaman that's not afraid to mentally command a sea cucumber to suck him off! Long live silly Aquaman!"

Seriously though. People get really touchy when they read Aquaman jokes nowadays! They act like its an offense to civilization! And they always defend him by saying how bad-ass he is! Stop denying what makes Aquaman great! It's the stuff that you can easily make fun of that makes him terrific! I hate fucking Aquaman defenders because they truly don't get Aquaman! Get off my lawn!

Wait wait! I'm not done! Here's a quote about Aquaman from Razzatazz at Comic Vine way back when The New 52 began: "Of course the mocking of the character will continue in mainstream media because it is an already estblished running gag, but among comic fans that should know better its [sic] maybe time to put the past behind." Seriously, Razzatazz? "Comic fans that should know better"? That should be "comic fans who should know better!" No wait. That's not my point! My point is that "knowing better" isn't the point when making Aquaman jokes! I am a Master Comic Book Reader and I know all about Aquaman's powers! And I still think he's worth making fun of! All super heroes are worth making fun of! It's just that Aquaman fans are overly sensitive what with their butts getting so much hurt because they're ashamed of Aquaman's whimsical side! I'm surprised I didn't see any Aquaman defenders say, "That ain't no loser. Look at what he's fucking." Yeah, yeah! I'm now calling all Aquaman defenders misogynists! And assholes! And dog dick lickers! And by Aquaman defender, I don't mean me or anybody that loves Aquaman for all of his faults. I mean the other people that don't like Aquaman jokes.

P.S. Most Aquaman jokes are dumb because most people aren't funny. So that's a problem as well.

P.P.S. Batman and Superman jokes are also funny! But Wonder Woman jokes are not funny because that's wrong.

P.P.P.S. I think I'm supposed to be reading Swamp Thing! Fuck!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing investigating the weird plant creature he accidentally created when he made the oceans bloom with red algae.

When Swamp Thing touches his giant baby, it begins to absorb his essence. As he's thinking up a new way to deal with it, Aquaman comes along and stabs him with his salad fork. Aquaman got his ass beat by Swamp Thing in his own comic book last month. But that was on land! Now Swamp Thing has decided to enter the ocean and risk getting his ass beat in his own comic book! It's a rare event! Most people aren't buying Swamp Thing every month because they want to see one of their favorite characters get beat up by Aquaman.

Before Swamp Thing headed to the ocean, he held a meeting with the previous avatars of the Green. They informed him he was dealing with something that could only be described by a German word. Hmm. That's never a good sign! Since the Non-Certified Spouse isn't here to tell me what the word means and the nuances of the translation in this context, I have to resort to Lord Google. Lord Google informs me the word, kreuzblütler, means "cruciferous" or cross-blossom. Apparently I should eat more vegetables so I would know what kinds of plants are cruciferous! I think Jesus was a cruciferous! So does that mean the transubstantiation that takes place during the Holy Communion is vegetarian? The kreuzblütler has manifested because Swamp Thing destroyed the Parliament of Trees. Their job was to maintain The Green so this kind of shit wouldn't happen. It would have been nice if they'd explained their job wasn't just to manipulate the Avatar. Maybe their disbanding never would have happened!

Don't be what, Swamp Thing? Don't be a dick? Don't be ridiculous? Don't be the laughing stock of the DC Universe?

See? This is what makes Aquaman great! Not punching the Swamp Thing stoically in the face for twenty pages! Commanding a bunch of peaceful, vegetarian sea creatures to murder Swamp Thing. What a fucking gigantic douchebag, Aquaman! Manipulating these poor creatures into destroying a sentient being! The Dugongs are probably thinking, "Oh god! Don't make me kill this creature! So fucking delicious! I weep salty tears of tasty sadness!"

The Swamp Thing doesn't want to explode out of the Dugongs stomachs because he has more respect for the sea life than Aquaman, so he waits and observes to see what Aquaman does. Aquaman does what he always does: he throws away the lives of dozens of sea creatures.

I wouldn't feel so bad if I felt the sea creatures weren't conscripted and actually had a choice in the matter.

Swamp Thing reforms as a bit of floating something or other and whispers in Aquaman's ear that he can defeat it but Aquaman needs to sit this one out. Aquaman agrees for now. I'm sure that will change when Swamp Thing begins realizing he has no idea how to defeat this thing.

And "this thing" turns out to be a new Green forming. I guess it's a tiny rebellion. I'm sure it's Lady Weeds doing. Unless it's the Parliament of Trees deciding to start over since their champion betrayed them. Whoever created it (and perhaps it's just one of those things The Green does from time to time when its ignored because the Parliament is dead and the Avatar is fucking mushroom people), they don't ever get to enjoy it. Swamp Thing defeats it or absorbs it or something and the ocean is saved. So now that all the fighting is done, it's time for that part of the comic book where Charles Soule actually allows the characters to speak with each other.

Oh shit! Aquaman got schooled in both issues of this team-up! What a joke!

The issue ends with Lady Weeds stabbing Swamp Thing in the head to show him that she doesn't like him. Swamp Thing might be regretting just about every decision he's ever made up to this point in his life.

Swamp Thing #32 Rating: No change. Why is this book so good?! Hey comic books! Be better or be written by Charles Soule. Those are your choices. I suppose some of the comic books are doing okay and being written well on their own. But those comic books can ignore my warning because they're already confident in themselves rather than telling me, "But Tess! Not all comic books not written by Charles Soule are bad!" Maybe, hypothetical comic books. Maybe.