Catwoman #31

Who continues to buy this book? Shame on you all!

I'm one of those idiot assholes who believe they should act according to the beliefs they hold. So I actually buy my comics instead of going about making excuses for why it's okay for me to torrent the comic books I read. But Ann Nocenti might be tipping me into the realm of rationalizing jerk-off trying to convince everybody that it's okay to steal comic books because the copy protection on them is a huge burden. No wait. That's the rationalization for something else. Whatever! I don't care! At this point, I think the people paying for this comic book are actually doing more harm than the people stealing it!

See, I believe that if you like a piece of art that somebody is creating, you should support that art so that the creator has the means and ability to continue to make more art (Oh man! This is where I should shove in a Donate Button!). If you can't afford it or have some other reason for stealing the art, go ahead and do that. Just don't try to convince me that what you're doing has some kind of nobility behind it. I'm willing to bet I'd still be reading The Movement if as many people who read it actually paid for it. But right now, I can see the other side of the argument! Ann Nocenti's scripts are not worth paying for! They're also not worth stealing though. So maybe I'm not arguing that people steal it. Just stop fucking buying it. When a customer at a comic book shop approaches the counter with a Catwoman comic book, the clerk should confiscate it and hand that customer an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea business card instead. "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! We Read the Shit So You Don't Get So Angry You Have An Embolism And Fall Down Dead in Your Apartment Where Your Neighbor Finds You Two Weeks Later Half Eaten By Your Cats!" I wonder if there's some way to make my business card catchier and more succinct?

Here's my review of this comic book before I even read it: Catwoman says some incoherent things. She talks past people while they talk past her. Some wacky shenanigans ensue that don't make any kind of sense at all. And by the last page, the reader is left shamed and embarrassed and a little bit turned on by the experience.

Last issue, the first part of the Race of Thieves took place. It was the Dexterity Challenge and it consisted of Roulette saying "Let the games begin!" and then everybody else going ape-shit. When you hear "Dexterity Challenge," you think each participant is going to have to pick a lock or walk across a tightrope from one roof to another. You think to yourself, "This is an organized challenge with rule and reason! It's specifically designed to find the most capable thief in the world." You don't think the game is going to consist of the host yelling out each challenge and then letting the participants simply pound each other in the face. But I guess Catwoman wins by being sucked into Mirror World and then escaping.

As a rational human being, I can't think of a more panic-inducing situation than seeing my face a thousand times over. Except maybe being trapped in a fire. Or attacked by rabid dogs. Or having sex for the first time.

Mirror Master's explanation about how most people react to being trapped in Mirror World is exactly the reaction Catwoman narrated while she was trapped in Mirror World. Ann Nocenti scripts as if each character is just another opportunity to say something strange. She doesn't see Selina Kyle as a specific character from Sam Scudder. They're just objects to stick speech bubbles on as they move the plot along through their inane dialogue.

Here's that part of the comic book that made me say Selina would talk past other people in my review I already wrote. Although Sam seems to actually be paying attention to the nonsense coming out of Selina's face.

Wait, wait! I'm not through scanning incoherent nonsense from this page! Enjoy these two panels of people saying weird fucking shit to each other.

Swindle doesn't get the last word. Not at all. And how is Catwoman being a tease? She just said these two will implode. That means she doesn't have to "make it happen." Fuck! Why are these people all such gigantic idiots?!

What are DC editors paid to do? Because part of their job description obviously isn't taking a script back to Ann Nocenti and asking the important questions like "Why is Sam calling Selina a tease here?" and "Why is Swindle saying 'Never again' to Vice?" and "Who keeps signing your paycheck?"

I'm about ready to scan in every fucking page of this mess so nobody has to go through the trouble of purchasing or torrenting this shit! It's just so entertaining in that way that taking a shit that's too big for your anal sphincter is entertaining!

This doesn't make any sense! If this is a race of thieves, why did Volt get an invite? Why is Roulette kicking him out now after she chose him for the party? How does the argument that chaos wins the race prove that Volt should continue to participate in a tournament of thieves?! And why the fuck would she point out this isn't the race of law-abiding citizens?! Because only law-abiding citizens would agree with her when she kicked them out of the contest?! I'm so fucking confused!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Two

"How've you been, Catwoman?" asked Trip Winter as he approached Selina. He was hoping she would respond, "Is that a huge cock in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" because he currently had a huge cock in his pocket. Actually it was in his pants but it looked like it was in his pocket.

"Making score after score," Catwoman lied since she hadn't scored at all since she received the near fatal head injury after Batman kicked her off of her motorcycle while going close to one hundred miles per hour. "Without your help, Trip Winter," she spat. She felt saying his whole name would not only accentuate her anger but it also might help the readers to remember who this Bruce Wayne look-a-like was. But just saying his name might not be enough, so Selina continued, "You disappeared on me. Left me holding a bag of loot with no getaway car. Why?"

"We had a good thing, Catwoman," Trip Winter lied. And to really put a point to the fact that he was lying about the good thing they had, he followed that statement up with "But I can't trust you." Because not trusting somebody is always a solid foundation for having a good thing. It's possible the "good thing" he was referring to was the sexual chemistry they had in the lab. And by "lab" I mean "bed." And by "bed" I mean "anywhere Trip could put his thingy into Catwoman's thingy." Feeling that the matter was settled, Trip had one final thing to say to Catwoman. "No one can." That ought to make her feel bad because obviously Trip Winter knows her much better than everybody else knows her! Catwoman squirmed against the wall as Trip made such a piercing observation of her untrustworthiness. She hissed and batted a paw and zipped out of the room.

End Scene Two

Roulette informs the last contestants that they have won Round Two which was prowess in combat. So that wasn't the Dexterity Round? Is it possible Ann Nocenti's horrible writing ability tripped up a Master Comic Book Reader like myself and I made a mistake?! When Roulette mentioned the Dexterity Round last issue, was she talking about the puzzle box invites that she sent out?! If so then Roulette sucks as a Game Show Host because she never actually mentioned that Round Two would be a big fight. She just said "Let the games begin" or something and everybody just seemed to know that they should beat the shit out of each other.

Anyway, now the contestants have to pull off a heist. And they're competing against criminals all over the world. So I guess Mirror Master doesn't fucking understand the rules of the game any better than I do! That idiot actually thought there were only four contestants! Scudder is a jerk!

Anyway, here's Roulette describing the heist (along with some other dumb stuff):

Why is Mr. Stone's head on fire?!

So a house that has been boarded up for two hundred years is now an archaeological dig site. "Careful! Careful! Open that door slowly so you don't break anything! Dust the floor carefully so you don't miss any pubic hairs! Watch out for the pipes when you start digging in the floor!"

Catwoman changes into her costume and heads out to the dig site. On the way, she passes a bar where the lights are flickering. Of course she realizes that means that Volt is in the bar. What else could it mean? Nothing, that's what else!

Catwoman saves Volt from getting his ass beat because I don't know what the fuck is happening. Did Volt get kicked out of the contest or not? I guess after proclaiming he had a right to compete, he decided he needed a drink more. Because as we all know about Volt (or are learning right this second, anyway), he can't lay off the sauce!

Unless asked nicely.

Ann Nocenti really has no idea what she's doing. Who is buying this fucking comic book? Besides me! I get a pass since I tell everybody that isn't buying it that it's still horrendous. That's valuable information!

Since Detectives Alvarez and Keyes decided they didn't feel like going through with their undercover sting of Roulette's Race of Thieves, they've headed back to the office which Catwoman bugged many issues ago with a camera that looked right into Alvarez's crotch on a daily basis. Now the camera has fallen to the floor and Gwen is concerned that it isn't showing the outline of Alvarez's penis against his tight detective khakis. Catwoman doesn't care about that because she just wants to hear what they're discussing. And what do you know?! They're just sitting there spouting information about the Viceroy Manor Dig! What luck! Remember: knowing is winning!

Since Nocenti's stories never make any sense, maybe I'm making a mistake trying to write about them. Perhaps I should just make a list of all the stupid shit in her books? That might hurry things along since writing a commentary on Catwoman takes a lot of energy out of me as I smash my face into the wall and tear out my hair and fall into a psychotic rage.

A List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. The Viceroy Mansion dig is not an archaeological dig at all. It is a two hundred year old cold case murder scandal! Maybe it's both! The archaeological crime scene dig is being guarded by snipers and anti-aircraft and radar and you name it. This is a situation that makes complete sense if this murder scandal is based on some ancient cult of the Old Gods.

2. Catwoman takes time out to compare herself to a "tethered horse watching stallions pound by her." It's poetic and beautiful and sounds way more sexual than it probably should. Especially the part about the stallions and the pounding! Also that part about the tethering! Scandalous!

3. Alice Tesla brings up those gaslamps from the first issue. Why did Roulette need them, hmm? Curiouser and curiouser, Ann Nocenti probably wished she'd made her say but instead I did! I suppose she brings them up because they'll have something to do with Roulette's ultimate goal which, if the reader is lucky, will never be exposed because this comic book will be cancelled soon. Although its monthly numbers are still abnormally high because comic book fans are idiots that follow characters instead of well told stories. Jerkos.

4. Catwoman states that the other thieves are going high-tech, so she's going to go primitive. I don't know how she knows how the others are going high-tech! She just mentioned that she hates not knowing what the other racers are up to! It's why she compared herself to a horse!

5. Catwoman makes fantastic similes.

6. The archaeological dig is turning up valuables locked away in blocks of ice because not only does Gotham sit on enormous caverns full of the unwashed masses but it also seems to exist on a full scale Pengo video game.

7. The woman in charge of the dig is looking for evidence to clear her family name. Instead she finds valuables worth millions of dollars. Shoot!

8. Rita Viceroy discovers a painting of an ancestor that looks just like her! That's such an original idea that I should write a story about it! I will call it "The Painting That Looked Like Me But Was Super Old!" It will have a twist ending where the painting was actually a time traveler and it really was a painting of me!

9. Selina once again works for the Suicide Hotline instead of the Crime Hotline because it's easier to prevent suicide than it is to prevent crime. Unless the statistics show differently. Which they probably don't.

10. No mention so far of the other Race of Thieves Contestants. I guess they're busy doing research and thinking up stupid similes and building weapons as well.

11. For some reason, the coroner is really upset about the Viceroy Cold Case being reopened. What the poop does he have to do with it?! Why would he be upset if they overturned any conclusions made 200 years ago? Oh! Oh! I bet it was his coroner ancestors who killed the Viceroys for their money and he's been benefiting ever since!

12. Rita Viceroy and the privatized coroner have a moment to share Ann Nocenti's research into inventions that were once invented. "I love things being invented!" "Oh! Oh! Me too!" "So good." "Yes! So, so good." "Let's do it!" "Okay!"

13. Catwoman tracks down some gum on a shoe. You can tell they're gum on a shoe because they say things like "Yeh" and "Whattayawant?" That's totally corrupt gum shoe speak!

14. Catwoman helps the shoe gums to steal lots of stuff from the site! But they can't steal the gigantic golden elephant or she'll stamp her foot and yell, "But we had a deal! Poo!"

15. Catwoman doesn't want the stupid gold elephant anyway. How can she move it on her own?! She just wants some dumb old papers.

16. Golden Glider and Mirror Master finally arrive because they were probably off doing it while Catwoman was busy with her convoluted plan.

17. Vice and Swindle arrive last because they were probably off imploding while Golden Glider and Mirror Master were busy with doing it.

18. Vice makes a heavy lifting comment without mentioning his penis. He is classy!

19. Everybody betrays everybody else in an orgy of betrayal. That's why this issue was called "Gauntlet!" I mean, that's why this issue's cover said, "Betrayal!"

20. Mirror Master does unspeakable things to a golden elephant's behind.

21. Volt arrives drunk and is knocked out by Catwoman. She either claims he has delirium tremens even though he'd only been sober for an hour or two before getting drunk again, or she's making another bad simile where she says he's "grinning like an idiot with delirium tremens." Because delirium tremens make idiots smile because they're too dumb to be terrified and uncomfortable.

22. Mirror Master makes a quick calculation about how valuable the Golden Elephant is. He's really good at math and approximating and guesstimarking because when he brings the elephant to Roulette, she comes up with the exact same estimate in the exact same way with the exact same wording! Coincidence or horrible writer?! As a Reader, you probably think it's just a coincidence! But as a Writer, I know which one it really is!

23. Catwoman wins the Heist Round because knowing is winning and she knew that love letters were more valuable than stripping and melting a golden elephant down to fifty pounds of gold worth one million dollars!

24. Selina has now been hired to the Gotham Police by a transfer coroner that was brought in by private money. Something about that doesn't sound right!

Catwoman #31 Rating: -3 Ranking. This comic book might be worse than Scott Lobdell's Superman. It's kind of hard to tell because how do you tell the difference between really shitty garbage and really garbagy shit?