Thursday, June 5, 2014

Batman #31

I see the Batman creative team finally decided to get off their asses and put a picture on the cover.

With nearly eight issues of Batman Eternal between this issue and the last Batman issue, I'd forgotten that The Riddler was trying to take part in an epic tale. Do I even care about this story anymore? Do I care about Batman?! I think I have Batman Diabetes! I can't feel my feet!

Batman has learned that The Riddler will walk away from Gotham if any citizen can ask a riddle that he can't answer. I've got one that Batman should ask him! Batman should walk up to The Riddler's Riddle Asking Square and say, "What did your mother say when I fucked her in the ass?" The answer is "The same thing as your father!" Even if The Riddler knows the answer to that riddle, he'd have to answer, "The same thing as my father!" And then every citizen in Gotham will laugh their asses off at Batman's sexual humiliation of The Riddler through the defilement of his parents' butts! The Riddler will be seen as a laughingstock and the citizens will rise up and overthrow him! Only afterward, when everybody is celebrating and excited to be safe and free again, will people begin to question the appropriateness of Batman's riddle. Did he just save Gotham with a rape joke? Some will act offended and some will act disgusted and some will blatantly state that Batman is an asshole. But they'll have the freedom to call Batman an asshole and Batman won't give a fuck about his reputation! He only cares that everybody is free! Also that he makes a billion dollars on cleaning up the vegetation with his new company "Wayne Gardening and Yard Debris Pick-up."

But for now, it looks like Lucius Fox is going to challenge The Riddler!

"What is that circle of fire?" That's your riddle, Lucius? I don't think you can ask a riddle with more than one answer and then insist the answer is not whatever The Riddler answers. He's the master riddle maker! He already knows that trick!

Batman has come up with a conclusion. His conclusion is that The Riddler is a big stupid cheat and that the Riddle Game is a smokescreen. It's that bit about giving people a little bit of hope so that their suffering is far grander. Maybe. Maybe he just pointed out that it would be easier to find The Riddler and punch him in the face than to ask a riddle he can't answer.

Batman's plan is to trace The Riddler's feed when he appears to answer a riddle. Batman will be the bait pretending to ask a riddle while Lucius and Gordon do all the other fiddly work needed to trace the signal. The trace will take ten minutes so Batman is going to have to think up a riddle much longer than the one I thought up for him.

Riddle me this, Batman! What has two wheels and flies?! A shitcycle!

Maybe to keep The Riddler talking, Batman will ask him why the chicken crossed the road. Then Edward might have to obsessively think up every answer to that riddle he's ever heard and even make a few answers up just in case. That should leave his feed open long enough to track back to his location.

Or else he'll just ask him, "Who the fuck am I?" That might keep him interested!

Batman's question has a little bit of the humiliation I suggested in my fucking Ed's parents riddle and a little bit of the who is Batman too. But it's mostly, "Who the fuck do you think you are, Edward?" I also think maybe my feelings are hurt, Batman!

Edward doesn't even come close to figuring out Batman but it doesn't matter. He still drops Batman in the trap where Batman has to fight lions. But Batman also knows he can keep Edward on the line to comment on the spectacle. What good is watching Batman torn apart by lions if you can't Rifftrax over the entire thing?

Batman takes his time defeating the lions so that Edward's signal can be traced. And then Batman asks a really stupid riddle. He asks, "Is that all you've got?" I expect that riddle from Superman but not Batman! The answer to that riddle is almost always, "Why no, sir, it is not all that I have got." The Riddler answers this one correctly, of course, and tries to drop dozens of cars on Batman's head. But Commissioner Gordon saves his ass by offering an escape route out of the Lion's Study. I think the lions die though. Batman can't save everybody!

And then the final page tells me that there are only two issues left of Zero Year! Hooray! Although this issue was exceptionally good. Probably because it's finally gotten around to the confrontation.

Batman #31 Rating: No change. This issue was exceptionally good because it has finally gotten around to the confrontation. See? I was correct about why it was better than it has been lately! Master Comic Book Reader!

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