Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Pandora #12

Why is there an interrobang after "death"? It's not like adding "death" to the end of the phrase "battle to the" is a surprise! Now if it were "battle to the orgasm," it might call for an interrobang.

Sometime during the last issue, Pandora had her regenerative powers negated by SHADE agent, Agent Kincaid (who is a werecrow (and a white woman (and a horrible person))). Then Vandal Savage arrived to take advantage of Pandora's sudden vulnerability.

This issue begins with Marcus Aurelius forgetting to say something really wise before he dies.

"Aaaargle baaarrrggle" isn't the most memorable final saying but I suppose it's hard to come up with anything good when your neck is broken.

Pandora tries to save him with some of her World Merging power. Unless the power she used was her Visiting Sad Places power. It could also have been her First Issue Cameo power. Whichever power she uses, she fails. But I think she's able to channel Marcus's actual last words in Runespeak! They're much better than "Aaaargle baaarrrggle"!

His very wise final words are these: "F yo eyes, punk!" So beautiful.

A battle ensues and for the first time since The New 52 began, I'm not enjoying Vandal Savage. He's been written so well in all of his other appearances and now he's just a douche teasing Pandora because she's sad about losing Marcus. Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with him teasing her because she's shown weakness. All weakness should be attacked and mocked. Why else would they teach that experience in high school if it wasn't an important value to our society? If it was a bad thing, teachers and other students would step in when someone is humiliated for showing any sign of weakness. So I'm not upset that Vandal is teaching Pandora that crying is for stupid jerks. I'm upset at the below par cleverness of his taunts. They're repetitive and weak. Somebody should come along and start hassling Vandal Savage for using such weak insults. That'll show him.

Oh. There we go! Nice one, Werecrow!

Agent Kincaid's one-liner might not seem that witty but it's fitting. She brings the whole love is weak thing back around and turns it on its head when she makes Vandal weak while expressing SHADE's love for him. It's a bit sloppy but I get the point! And now the playing field is even between Pandora and Vandal.

Once Vandal gets beat up a bit and is tossed from the top of the building, he begins to regain some of his devilish pomposity. Agent Kincaid and Pandora also fall from the building though, and they take it a lot worse than Vandal. I think his anger and his arrogance are what fuel his immortality and there isn't a creature on Earth that can battle against the force of his will.

I bet people think Vandal Savage would be a great lay after all his years and experience on Earth. But I bet he's the worst. He probably treats all intercourse as just another method of masturbation and satisfying his own needs.

Savage toys with Pandora a bit more before she repeats Marcus's last words and blinds him. Of course that only stalls him for a few seconds to allow Agent Kincaid to step in and threaten Pandora. Wait, what? What kind of stupid move is that?! Pandora is broken and dying and not a threat at all at this point! Yet Vandal Savage seems as strong as when the battle began. Point the gun at him, you stupid morphy!

Sorry! Sorry! I let my passion get the best of me. I apologize for using a shapeshifter slur. I don't know what got into me. I've never used the M-word before in my life! I know an apology isn't going to make up for all the shapeshifter's who had to read that word in print which caused them, well, you know. Have hurt feelings? Be disgusted with me? Feel righteous indignation when they called me a typically disgusting one-shape? Make them weep uncontrollably because of a word in print? Well, I'm sure the shape-shifting community will feel good once they've tarred and feathered me in a public forum and ruined my life for the poor judgment I had in typing a single word. I totally deserve it.

Kincaid doesn't kill Pandora and Vandal Savage doesn't kill anyone because Giganta arrives to save her new best friend!

It's good to see a powerhouse like Giganta actually get to act like a powerhouse for once.

Giganta demands that Pandora be given back her regenerative powers or else Kincaid is going on a fantastic voyage, if you know what I'm saying! And if you don't, you probably just think I mean Giganta is going to throw her into the ocean like she did with Vandal, so it really doesn't matter because that's something, I guess.

Pandora #12 Rating: -5 Ranking. I don't know why this comic book is as high in my rankings as it is and so I'm fixing that right now. Especially since the art has been sub-par over the last couple of issues. At least I got to see Vandal Savage topless!

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