Thursday, June 26, 2014

The Flash #32

Mirror Master died last issue, you stupid cover.

This is the story about The Flash. This is also a story about The Flash. You might think that I'm repeating myself! You might think I'm repeating myself but you'd be wrong. You'd be wrong because there are actually two Flashes. "Two Flashes!" you are probably exclaiming loudly. Loudly exclaiming, I reply, "Why yes! One Flash from the past and one Flash from the future!" The Flash from the future has been going back in time killing his enemies. His enemies are being killed. Being killed sucks so they're trying not to be killed but what can you do when the fastest man alive decides to time travel and break all the rules and be a complete and utter dick?

Speaking of complete and utter dicks, Wally West has been introduced recently and he's a complete and utter dick. Complete and utter together probably is me repeating myself. It's just lazy writing. Sorry about that.

Currently twelve years in the future, The Flash is visiting a dying Captain Cold. It's not The Flash from the past! That one doesn't believe in time travel. Hell, he's just beginning to realize that his power is fucked the closer he runs to the speed of light. It's nice that he doesn't age at all when he runs halfway around the world at the speed of light to save a city from a volcano but it kind of sucks that the city is already destroyed by the time he gets there and everyone is already rebuilding. That's odd, isn't it? To think that his power is super speed so he should be able to do things faster than everybody else. But he's really doing things slower than everybody else! Unless it's all different somehow! Stupid physics! I suppose all those notes from my physics teacher saying how I'm not completing assignments or turning in homework were meant to help me learn this stuff that I didn't learn very well! I only took physics so I could go to Great America for free on Physics Day!

Past Flash is busy investigating a case.

Why does The Flash even bother to talk while running? Nobody can understand him!

The Flash fails to defeat Merge because Merge has Gravitor's gravity gun which introduces some more concepts of physics into the fight. I can barely even pretend to do calculus! How am I supposed to pretend I know the way gravity warps space and time and what effect that would have on The Flash's speed powers! Which are actually time powers. Which would mean they're also space powers. Which would mean gravity would warp them both causing The Flash's torque to become the momentum of the velocity over time and frosted with a delicate layer of relativistic spatial concerns!

In other words, The Flash goes flying through the sky due to complex reasons.

Well you're not going to fix it by going back in time to a point where it wasn't broken! It's space-time, you ponce! It breaks in one place, it's broken in all the places! Um. I think! Maybe you should just go about your business. It's worth a shot, right?

The rest of the scene between Barry and Leonard as he dies is touching. But I don't do touching! Unless it's Alfred touching Batman's dick!

Back in the past, The Flash manages to piss off Patty because he basically admits to her that he wants to bang Iris. He wasn't as crude as all that but he's a naive douche, so he simply told Patty he couldn't spend the evening with her because he was going to a ball game with Wally and Iris. After being shot by Gravitor's gun, I bet he didn't understand the gravity of the situation! Bwa ha ha!

Later at the baseball game, Barry tries to convince Wally that baseball isn't boring. He's unsuccessful until hometown slugger Cuntock hits a home run and then suddenly Wally loves baseball.

Making baseball look exciting is the most unbelievable aspect of this comic book.

The Flash #32 Rating: No change. Am I still ranking these comic books?! I like reading them. I like saying stupid things about them. But I don't like explaining why they're good or bad in a summary at the end of my reviews! It's like work! I actually have to concentrate on something for a few minutes? Boring! I'll try though! Brett Booth's art was often goofy. If he were a better artist, it wouldn't be so goofy. The goofiness of his art left a goofy feeling in the part of my brain that deals with goofy. The writing was pretty good though. I liked the Leonard dying part although not because Captain Cold died. Captain Cold is my favorite!

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